The Nick DiPaolo Show - Iran Irate | The Nick Di Paolo Show #1919

Episode Date: July 13, 2026

In today's episode Nick talks about More Iran Strikes, A Bison Attack, Ladies Private Parts, The Bible In Texas, Indian Takeover of Texas and Lindsey Graham Dead! The FULL SHOW is live streaming & FREE-ONLY on Rumble! Join our LIVE CHAT at 6pm ET every Mon-Thu or watch the FULL EPISODE anytime on demand after 7pm ET. Follow my Channel and get notified! https://rumble.com/c/TheNickDiPaoloShow GET TOUR DATES & TICKETS - https://www.nickdip.com/tour NOVEMBER 5TH - The Punchline: ATLANTA, GA NOVEMBER 6TH - Rivers Casino: PHILADELPHIA, PA NOVEMBER 7TH - Soul Joel's: POTTSTOWN, PA MERCH - Grab some mugs, hats, hoodies, shirts, stickers etc… https://shop.nickdip.com/ PERSONAL VIDEO FROM ME – Send someone a personal video from me! Go to https://shoutout.us/nickdipaolo  or www.cameo.com/nickdipaolo SOCIALS/COMEDY- Follow me on Socials or Stream some of my Comedy!  https://nickdipaolo.komi.io/

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What the fuck they ever do for us? Apparently, when you threaten to assassinate Trump, that's not even why he was sent to them. You know, that whole fucking memorandum. of understanding and all that shit. That one lasts in about three seconds. And Trump gave him another chance. He's crazy.

You got to give them a, I'll give them a thumbs up for persistence. They think this is an equal fight. They're negotiating like we're equal. You know I mean? They have no, they don't, they think it's an equal negotiation. And over the weekend, they blasted a couple of ships. One of them was from Cyprus or whatever the fuck. And then they came out and said,

closed the straight of her moves like Trump's like what what do you what anyways welcome to the live lineup I'm your host Kevin McDonald from Iowa it's free shows all day and if you want to watch ad free shows join a Rumble premium don't forget to follow my channel download the Rumble app today I'll be talking about obviously what the A4 mentioned action going on in Iran we got some footage. You've all seen, I think the whole world has seen it by now, but a bison first of all, this was a bull bison.

Not bo bison, he was a singer. Bull bison. I any, you guys saw, he flipped an old man about, they say eight feet in the air, ate my ass, it was like two stories. We'll talk about ladies' private parts. I like to make those public. Also, the left is going crazy because in Texas,

Guess what? The kids are learning Bible verses in school, and the left is shitting their pants. And of course, the real sad news is Lindsey Graham, who I would go back and forth on, which means he's probably a good politician. Sometimes he was always on, you know, on our side, but he had trouble with Trump for about two weeks and then smartened up. But he was always funny. And I became a Lindsey Graham fan when they did that debate. I got the thing in, and I can hear myself slurring. I've got to have these tightened up at Midas or some fucking shit I became a fan

Do you remember the first time Trump ran they had the Republican debates And he was at the They had a two tear They had the heavy hitters At the one debate And then like the kids table And Lindsay was at the kids table

And he was in fucking shock Even while he was during the debate He was making jokes about him being there And he had some one line As they go This guy has got a great sense humor and his public life who the fuck knows. I like people who are

different and whack jobs, but this guy worked his balls off anyways, we lost him and it really is a big blow because Trump relied on him a lot for foreign policy. That guy was in the Navy I think, though, Air Force or Navy? I don't know for a year. I'm guessing Navy, known

his sexuality. You know what I'm saying? He had a tattoo of I was going to say, go him a pile, but he wasn't in the Navy. Anyways, so yeah, we'll get to all that beforehand a little weekend you know recap as you know I drove from

here there'll be Savannah to Boston and again my wife has panic attacks on planes and doesn't matter anymore after that trip I'm gonna fucking shoot her with an elephant gun and some type of shit you could knock a gorilla I'll carry her on my shoulders and I love driving too

I'm a great driver. Who am I, Rain Man? Yeah. Charlie Mabbitt. Great driving, yeah. Anyways, that's a 16-hour ride. And ohly-molly.

Of course, the weather cooperated. The first two and a half hours was rain coming. Cars in front of me had their blinker, their flashes on, trucks are going by me. I mean, you talk about white knuckle. And, you know, the, you know, The lanes are like this now.

Just enough. The trucks are almost touching me. This fucking thing. I thought this one fit better. I get two of them. Anyways, yeah, made it all the way up there. My mother's birthdays this week, but, you know, I had to go when I could. And I drove a total of 32 hours so I could sit with her for about an hour.

She's probably happy. It's enough for him. It's usually how my family is. I got into what my sister, Darlene, who I love, by the way. We were arguing about Maroon Files. We're talking about music. And I love my sister, darling. I know, we're talking about music and shit,

and, you know, we both have a few drinks in you. But she brought up, she said, no matter what you think of Maroon 5, you have, there's something about their staying power. And I just sort of said, I don't know. When I think, you know, staying power, I think the stone 60 years of the, you know, the Eagles or the who or whatever.

Anyways, it was a. stupid thing and she said, calm down, Nick. And I said, you fucking calm down. And it got all awkward. It got all fucking awkward. It was my other sister, my other two sisters. And it just got all

quiet and shit. And everybody else is still talking in the background and was sitting around a fire pit and she's trying to get my head in it. Anyways, that was fucking weird. So I'm sure they were happy when I got in the car. Can you imagine 32 hours for fucking,

went out to some restaurant in Beverly Mass. And it's been like nine different bars since I was a kid. And it was really good. I was surprised. Anyways, I'm going to talk about my Red Sox, and I'm not going to do it cheapishly, apologetically, because the whole baseball world is talking about my Red Sox.

It is the weirdest shit I have ever. You guys heard me last year going, they are going to be so good this year. blah, blah, blah, and it didn't happen, did it for the first three months. I mean, they stunk. Here's the thing. June 25th, they were in last place in the American League East with, I think, the worst record. Only Angels had a worse record than us, I think.

We were 14 games under 500 on June 25th. Then we swept the Yankees, then the Nats came to town and took two out of three from us. us, right? But we took four from the Yankees, and Nats took two out of three. Then they go on a nine-game road trip. The longest trip of the, and you're like, this is going to put them out of their misery.

You know, even though they're a pretty good road team this year. I'm like, this is going to do it. So they were like 14 games into 500. Folks, listen to me. Who was the first team? I'm so excited. I can't even. Go out to a shitty angels team.

Take three from them. Go to the White Sox who have the best home record in the American League. And they were in first place, a good baseball team. Took three from then out of three. Go to the Mets, who stink this year. We take the first two. We're like, that's an eight-game winning streak.

If they went six and three, we would have been happy, right? Eight-game winning street. So I go, I just want to see him win this last game to say they can win undefeated. Goes into the ninth inning yesterday. They're down two to nothing. This is fucking unbeat. We have a guy on first. I don't know who's up for us, but he hits a made-to-order ground ball to shortstop,

to Lindor, who's one of the better short-stops of baseball. He muffs it. He muffs it. That means he made an error on a routine made-to-order end-the-game double play. I'm like, this is the type of thing that's been going on for the last two weeks. He muffs it. Next guy, I think, walks. Next guy hits a pop-up into shallow right, right field or runs a mile,

come sliding in, it goes off his glove, a run fucking scores. I can't even keep trucking. And then, anyways, we tie the game. We tie the goddamn game. 2-2 goes into extra innings.

You know how that you put that guy on second, which I hate, it's still like Little League to me. They put the guy on second in extra innings. We bunt them over. They bunted a lot. This coach, if anybody should be excited, it should be this coach. But he's pulling off with these guys.

Anyways, bink the guy in the third. Next guy gets up. All we need is a fly ball. Sure enough, fly ball. Guy tags from third. Sox are up three, two, and the bullpen comes in and does a job. And we win a game. We had no business winning.

They went nine for nine. They have won 14 out of 16. The hottest team in both, leagues. Everybody's talking about them. But here's the kicker, folks, and I've been saying it all year. They're doing it with nobody. And I mean nobody.

No Garrett Crochet. No fucking Ranger Suarez. No Connolly Early. No Oviedo. Those are four starting pitches. One of them's our race, who hasn't pitched in Christ, a month and a half. Four starting pitches. They keep bringing these guys up from the minors.

These big fucking lefty and they're all lefties. And their ERA on this trip, I think, was 1.71. We have the best defense or second best in baseball, statistically the best. The lowest ERA in the American League. No Roman Anthony, the guys were bragging about. No Trevor Story. Even Contreras didn't play yesterday because he followed the ball off his foot the day before.

So no him. We got these guys you have never heard of. I have never, and if they went away tomorrow, I wouldn't be able to name them next week. All coming up, and especially the pitching, I'm like, they are fucking loaded. That was like a big secret, I guess. Anyways, 14 out of 16.

They did something that they haven't done since 1923. I can't remember what it was. They had all these records. Nine games in a row. They haven't done that since 1977, I guess, on the road. You know, 30, 40-year-old records are falling. So they went from 14 games out, yeah, and 14 games under 500 to three games under 500.

Because the other teams are losing. The American League only has five teams over 500. Nobody wants it. Tampa's been good all year. Get a hand it to them. Yankees, they came into town. They weren't slumping when they came into the Red Sox. And we took four from them,

and they've been shitting the bed. We're a fucking, we're two games out of the last playoff spot. Remember I was talking about selling the team before we left? When we left, remember they were the last place? But their ERAs like the best in baseball. It's fucking insane with all these rookies. They bring up another Hispanic kid, Eduardo Rivera yesterday, a lefty, I've never heard of. He throws shutout ball for four innings.

This guy, Jake Bennett, pitched twice. in that road trip. I don't know. He gave up like a total of four hits. Big lefty, throws smoke. And then we get this Peyton Tolly guy who he's, he, we've had him since the beginning of the year.

No, we brought him up after about a month or so. Big six, six, 288 pounds. He's got a mustache from the 70s, like a pawn star. He's got a huge personality. He throws nothing but heat. I am dumbfounded.

And, and, and, I was bragging about you guys of them last year, and it's none of the guys I was talking about. Trevor Story's been out. None of the guys. And anyways, Contreras made the All-Star team because Guerrero couldn't play or something. And Rafael, Sedan Rafael, center field that was named yesterday or two days ago. So they have four guys at the All-Star game. I've never seen anything like this.

I know you guys who gives a fuck. Let's talk about the war. All right. Anyways, I'm just saying, 14 out of 16? With nobody's Dallas, I mean fucking nobody's, who can play baseball. It just goes to show you how competitive is. You're sitting in AAA going, what the fuck? They're 14 games in a 500.

Bring me up. And somehow, the baseball gods had shined on the Red Sox. So now they're actually talking about, remember it was about selling during the trade deadline? now they're talking about buying. Now they're buyers. And I hope we get some of these guys back. They're being very hush, hush. You know?

The last two pitches had like, you know, slight elbow soreness or whatever. So I hope we get them back. But we've got to have crochet. You've got to have your ace. And Roman Anthony, it's a wrist thing. So who knows? They don't tell you anything anymore.

That's enough. I get more shit. Soccer socks. I don't give a fuck. Do you guys feel the marketing push for soccer? I know, and I realize FIFA, I realize World Cup is in the United States this year. I understand that. But they've been pushing this soccer on the United States since I was 10,

and I still feel the same way about it. It's a great sport. Don't get me that. I'm just talking about, I don't know how people can sit and watch it. I got my family. I see my sisters and brothers texting about it. So I jump in and say, hey, ask. And they hang up on me, and they kick me out.

No, look, to each his own, but I just, I'm sorry, folks. Dallas knows. And I said to my brother-in-law, who played in college, and I said, Rich. And he's fucking, he's literally, genius, literally, graduated first at Wharton Business School. I said, Rich. I go, it's a fine sport. I said, but you can't tell me if you made the field a little smaller, I'm not talking about changing the, just a little smaller and made the nets a little.

He goes, why would you make the net smaller if you want more scoring? I said, because you can't have those big nets on a little field, then you're going to have 40 goals again. Do you understand? I'm telling a guy. He's a fucking IQ of 276. I'm talking soccer, though. But then he kind of, you know, just a little more action.

I might not make, I'm telling you, I want to go to Fifea and go, guys. You're going to fucking thank me the rest of your life for this. Just a little shorter, a little more narrow. And, you know, make the nets proportional. You know, you can't, like I said, you can't have a net the size of the baseline. And it would be, you know, so you'd have five to three scores. I know enough about sports, folks. I'm a fucking, I was a three-star athlete.

Not star, but I did. I led it in three sports and I played hockey a false sport just to stay in shape. That was funny. Anyways, that's all I get to bitch about. Adam Carolla, if you're listening, I know you reached out to me

like a week and a half ago about some proposal. I hope somebody sees this and tells Adam Carolla. I'm trying to get a hold of you. You said, reach me on telegram. I went to telegram. I don't know what the fuck.

I couldn't make heads of tails from it. You realize I'm on my late hundreds, right? Fuck it. So I'm like, how do you, so I, I, you're not on X, they booted you. So I went to telegram, I don't know how to, how that fucking worked. So I gave it to Tommy. I said, you're the fucking figure it out. Tommy said he left you emails, which I could have done.

So I don't know what the proposal was, but it was a couple weeks ago. I hope it, you know, I'd like to hear it. I have no idea what you're talking about. And this thing is driving me nuts. probably going to come out let's get to it did I touch everything wrote a little more about Uncle Bob

last night got to the good shit about him being so lazy that he would cut his toenails only do one foot at a time I'm not making the shit up and I said he didn't wait like an hour and then go back to the other foot or three hours or even the next day

sometimes it was two three days and my aunt would go Bob what why do you do that Hey, Brenda, where's the urgency? Not even trying to be funny. Character, lovable, not so lovable when he was drinking and smoking and

my dad had to bail him out a few times. Still, but fucking loved him. And he was a Democrat. And he would make sense. He was an old school Democrat, you know? He actually schooled me on a few things, you know, because all he would do was read the paper and shit. So anyways, I think this book could be really good.

If anybody gives a fuck, that's another story. I ran irate. God damn, I yapped so much, this thing's dead as a fucking nun's pussy. What? I thought it was funny. I actually look forward to coming in and doing this today. That's how long we've been gone. Red Sox got me in a good mood.

Don't forget that, you know what, tonight. I think, home run derby, which they've made so good now that it's actually. He's great. And by the way, Contreras, our boy from the Red Sox is going to play. So that foot must be fine. I mean, he's going to do the home run derr. Late edition. Anyways, missiles and drone strikes.

Okay. Stop! Dallas, don't look now, but you're becoming a real producer. Holy shit, that was beautiful. I'm sorry. I'd rather look like this and talk like this. Can you see anything? Who gives a fuck?

Once you get all, it just doesn't matter, does it? Anyways, I missed the first pair. Morning as Iran claimed soul and enduring, claimed soul and enduring of the essential waterways. They talked about the straight-hormoos, I told you. They came out and said, they think they're controlling it. So what they did is attack all their neighbors who are allies of us. Iran attacked Oman, Bahrain, Jordan, good friend of mine,

and Kuwait. were amongst those to be targeted by Tehran in their M80s. The United States responded in kind. Why do they say kind? With airstrikes of its own. How many? Upwards of 140. And hit 140 key Iran military targets.

Did $11 worth of damage. We bombed the hell out of them last night. This is why you got to love Trump. President Trump told NBC's Meet the Press as the hostile exchange. began to unfold. Trump's refusal to back down in the face of Iranian aggression is well documented. AP notes Iran and the United States are nearly at the midway point of a 60-day period of an interim deal that was supposed to set up talks for a permanent end to the war. And again, you know my take on this. That was silly from the get-go. And I know these guys are smarter than me and everybody else in the world.

I know Marco Rubio. Get the, Pete, Head, Sith, Trump. They couldn't believe this was. I think they go, this is perfect. No, it is perfect because they get to say, we made every effort possible. There you go, gal. As I was going to say.

It did. And don't think, and believe me, these guys are that smart, they think ahead. They're like, yeah, the rest of the world will go. But then I hear Joe Rogan, and I love Joe folks. I know I bring them up now and then, and I haven't been on a show forever. I still don't know why. but every time I

I'll pick up the internet he's they they're treating him like he knows politics and like he's the new Rush Limbaugh he doesn't I mean he has a huge show so he can have these people on but I'll say it again he didn't know what the steel

dossier was in the middle of that steel dossier thing during Trump's first term which I brought up I don't know if that was my I don't know I love him and he He's a smart guy, but I'm just saying politically. I'm sorry.

You don't get that educated in eight years or whatever. I mean, you don't become the voice of reason. But he's saying, and he might be right. I'm just, but he's saying Trump fucked it up. That was the headline today. The Dems are going to take back the White House in 2028 because of this war, because Trump, you know, was very anti-war and ran on that. Yes, but he also ran on a lot of other shit.

The last time I checked, immigration was at the top. illegal immigration and you know I was at the top America first and as long as these cock suckers believe going to heaven

as a reward and they get nuclear weapons and they fucking have been chanting death to America that to me would be on my priority list so you guys can be little kids

and go but he said no wars or you can be going but but but coffee is still 50 cents higher None of that shit matters when your country gets obliterated. Anyhow, that's how I look at it.

But it just kills me. Anyways, instead, it has devolved into a series of attacks over the strait and its future worrying world leaders. The Iran war fully could resume. Why are the other world leaders nervous? Relax. We're in charge over here. A return to full-scale hostilities would have catastrophic consequences, said UN Secretary, General. Donio Guadius said in a statement as shipping traffic quickly through the region diminished in the face of dangers.

20% of the world's oil comes through there. So, yeah. But Trump is getting, Trump said today, it's open. We control it. He also called for the restoration of full freedom of navigation. I'm talking just like I did with my teeth in. Mother of God. Floss, kids.

in the Strait of Hormuz. The U.S. Military Central Command described its forces as hitting dozens of sites in the strike Monday, including air defense systems, radar sites, missile, and drone equipment, and small boats. And a couple of coffee shops, a tent, and a easy-big oven. A girl was playing with it in Amman. The Strait of Hamos is a vital maritime corridor for global trade. Who said that? U.S. Central Command, you know, him.

Iran does not control it. he added, as freedom is sought for the waterway that once saw a fifth of the world's traded crude oil and natural gas passed through it. Iran's paramilitary revolutionary guard, that's the IRG, a key power center in the country's theocracy that controls its ballistic missile arsenal, sharply rejected America's statement. They came out and said this, the dirty, filthy people who still wiped their asses with their bare hands. Nick, that's not. I don't care. Spread the word. The straight of Hormuz, what do you think, Hamas gets that nice. Tang. This trade of Hormuz is our territory, and we will not allow a rogue and child-killing army

from the other side of the world to continue its legal interference in it, the guard said. Don't you kill Jewish kids for the last thousand years every chance you get and then drink their blood? Don't you fuck kids over there? You do. You do. You have arranged marriages with 12-year-old girls and 48-year-old mullers, so suck a dick and die. Muhammad was a big pedophile anyways.

That's documented in pedophile weekly, which I subscribed. It's documented in their own Koran. Thank you very much. Dallas Knows. Dallas gave me a book called The Koran for Idiots. And I said, it's redundant. God, I'm brilliant. Anyways.

Hey, boys and girls, I don't know if you know this. I haven't done stand-up since fucking Bob Hope was 11. I'll be in November at the punchline of November 5th in Atlanta. And the next night, November 6th, the Rivers Casino in Philly. The next night, November 7th, sold Jolz, Tom, PA. Go to Nick Dip.com to get your tickets now before they're sold out. While you're there, go to the merchandise page. All kinds of silly shit they're made by young Asian boys in their late teens with asses like nectarines.

I just see Dallas's head going like. Also at Nick Dip.com, we've got hats, hoodies, and underw me, blah, we got hats, hoodies, an underwire bras. Also want to send a personalized video to someone. Oh, I don't know if this is I don't know if this is work and shoutout.us, you know,

personalized video where I can send to somebody say hi, make fun of them, a happy birthday. I don't know because guess what? They were hacked into over our break. So take that what I just said, you know,

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And now for Nick's video of the day. In our video of the day segment tonight, we call it vaudeville. You guys, like I said, I mentioned this earlier, have probably seen this clip because it's gone viral. And it was like a minute long. I was thinking of showing the whole thing because these bison bolt was like laying in the dirt, just throwing a tantrum by himself.

He had already chased a bunch of things. of teenagers out of the campground. And they said, the expert said it's because it's mating season and he's just loaded with testosterone, which I understand. When I was 18 in high school and horny, I would do that. I'd be in the driveway with no shirt on flipping around. Then I'd try to fuck my neighbor's dog. It's a true story.

You can look it up. A tourist was seriously injured Friday evening after being thrown eight feet into the air by a bull bison, not bow bison, again. and Yellowstone National Park. Professional photographer Mike McLeod filmed the incident and said the bison was angry, agitated, and horny, and probably on food stamps and lonely. So he started charging at anything, this photographer said.

McLeod said, he's from Bozeman, Montana said the incident happened at the Bridge Bay Campground south of Fishing Bridge. McLeod said the man was walking with his grandson when the agitated bison made them the targets of its aggression, I don't, at the beginning of the clip, you can see the grandson walking with him. I don't know where he went. Smart kid.

But the old man said, let's get out of here. Because the thing was across the street staring at him. They looked like they might have been taking a picture, but they were way, way far away. And that had to be scary. That had to be fucking scary. Here's the funny thing. It's chasing him around.

I said to Dallas like, go ahead, show it. Like you would chase your brother around, right? Around a tree. Guy looks like Dallas in about 30 years. Picture that being Dallas. He's playing with his son, Dimitri, who's now 31. Look at this. It's like he owed the fucking bison money.

Get upstairs. One more time, Dallas. I cannot watch this enough. It's like a money. It's like a Benny Hill. Look it. He's going, I'll get you. How scary is that?

We're laughing, but I guess you can't get in the middle of the trees. Some things you know right away aren't AI. Oh my God. It's my uncle Bob after a few. McLeod was camping in the Bridgebeg campground when his wife pointed to the Bull Bison entering the area. He grabbed his camera, started shooting from a safe distance.

He started walking through the campground, McLeod said. He was coming up to this group of kids. He's talking about the bison who were taking pictures on their cell phones from a good distance away. And then the buffalo charged these kids. When the bison charged, the kids safely scattered, but the bison wasn't done yet. That's when McLeod started filming. McLeod said the bison kept running through the campground while, people, occupants, yelled

and screamed at each other to alert one another to the threat. After a while, the bison found a patch of dirt to wallow in. Then the victim appeared. He had no idea what was about to happen. They weren't even in that camping loop, McLeod said. In other words, where those kids

were running, they were walking along the road quite away from the bison until it started running at them. They think the bison is Palestinian and this guy might be a Jew. That's the only thing. Anyways. And that was Nick's video of the day. Look kind of fun, in it, though?

And they said, here's why you're going to love that guy. You can tell he must be right from Montana and outdoorsman all his life. He broke bones when he landed. I know he broke his leg and something else. And they said, well, he was waiting for the ambulance. He was joking about it and laughing. You know, just like a guy from Manhattan would do who grew up on the upper side. How are you doing there, right?

Ladies, keep your motor clean. I think that was a line, actually. I mean, I changed the wording, but ACDC. She wasn't a fast machine. She got from water clean, best damn woman I ever seen. She had a... Yummy. I think those are the lyrics.

Most women have never heard of vaginal... Sorry, vaginal. It's easy to say vagina than vaginal with these teeth. Vaginal biofilm. You haven't heard of that? You kidding me? I call it porn. It's a film about, but it's important part of health, the woman's health, influencing symptoms like a vaginal odor, discharge, or recurring infections.

Those are the ones I always seem to land when I was out there and dancing up a storm. Oh, God, I could count the times I had chlamydia. I'm fucking, I need both, two more feet, two more. I got to honestly, it was the 80s, cocaine was big, and it wasn't quite the 60s, but these girls are very hoary. It's a thin, here it is, the biofilm of the vagina, it's a thin, sticky layer of bacteria that can attach to the vaginal lining and protect itself by producing a kind of shield. Who said that? OBGYN, Dr. Kate McLean, and I would take her word for it because she's a lesbian and she has actually encountered this shit face-to-face. I'm kidding, she's not a lesbian, but think of it.

it like a microscopic community of bacteria. No, you think of it like that. I think of it as a honeypot that I want to chow on. Don't fucking ruin my lunch. You. Bacteri, living under protective coating. Think of it as the mullers. She added noting that you can't see or feel it yourself, but you definitely feel its impact. Maybe you're making it up. When bad bacteria form microfilms, it can cause difficult to treat bacterial vaginosis and yeast infections. And as Bobby Slighton said, My wife gets whizzen, yeast infections.

I'm afraid to take her to the beach. Her pussy's going to turn into a donut shop. When beneficial bacteria, like, you didn't think I was going to be mature about this, right? You didn't think that's why I picked this, be all serious. First of all, I didn't even know that was the interior of vagina. I thought I was looking at the next swimsuit edition.

When beneficial bacteria like lactobacilliai, Have you had the lacto and bacilli? At, you know, Luigi's. Make them, it blocks bad bacteria from taking hold. Not all biofilms are harmful. I thought so. Some of them taste like bubble gum. Some of them taste like licking a battery, somebody said.

But some, oh, that's an asshole. But some can be problematic, said McLean, a board-certified obstetrician who works out of a van behind a school. Goes by the name of Dave. And chief medical officer at Evie. the biofilm can make it harder for the body or even medications to fully clear that negative bacteria in your body.

This is one reason some people experience recurring vaginal symptoms even after treatment. See how complicated your parts are, ladies? There was a comic emboss when I first started and said, yeah, it might have been Bob Nickman said, you know, a woman's private parts is like looking, lift in the hood on a Porsche. You know, our dicks, like,

you know, afford focus or something. Here's what to know about maintaining the delicate balance of protecting your vagina. Biofilms are a normal part of life. Oh, everything's normal when you guys have bad shit. How about hosing it down once every three weeks? Use a turkey bastor.

Use one of those power power washers. I met a girl in Worcester. Still on my hands. This was when I was a comic. upcoming I'm a client.

And don't worry, guys. Let me tell you something, ladies. I know, I, fellas don't exactly smell like fucking, right, Dallas? I now, as you get older, I don't know what the, do your sweat glands grow down by your groin area? It's either that or I shower once every nine days, I don't know. Look at the job I get. Right now I'm not wearing pants. I'm letting my balls air out.

They're everywhere from dental plaque on your teeth. They're talking about biofilms. Yeah, if you're lucky. To deepen the gut to on the top of your skin. But there is such a thing as being too clean. Many doctors urge women not to douche for this reason. That's a douche. I've been drinking Mountain Dew out of that for like a fucking year now.

Is that my wife? While trying to be clean or lemonade. Let me tell you, my wife, and I've been with the 30-something years, I haven't been, not even a hint, it almost bothers me. You know? I like something for the ride home. Remember the good old day? Anyways, while trying to be clean or eliminate odor,

douching actually kills good bacteria in the vagina. One of the biggest misconceptions is that the vagina should be completely odilous. Fuck that. Absolutely not. I like them right after a girl runs a marathon. Any discharge is a sign that something is, okay, sorry. There's some fucking motor oil spilling out of that. I'm not going to.

In reality, healthy vaginas have a natural scent. Exactly. And I say it smells, it should smell just like, you know, when you go to the fish market, not to be childish, and you pick out of fish and you say, let me smell that. And you can tell it's like really fresh that day. It still smells a little like fish. It's supposed to. I'm not being gross here. I'm just saying, I want it to smell.

You don't want something. It smells like Lysol pine tree. You know what I mean? it should have a natural set. Discharged is often normal. I don't need that. Anyways, it's part of the vagina function. Yeah, me shitting on the rug is too. How do you keep a healthy vaginal microbiome? Well, very easy with a fucking dustbuster and a quarter of Ajax with lots of lactobacilii. This good bacteria produces lactic acid, bringing down the pH of the vagina, plus hydrogen peroxide and backtoler.

Sins all make the environment inhospitable to undesirable bacteria. Your body produces hydrogen peroxide? See, Oz produces piss and fucking gorilla glue. Perhaps most importantly, it makes a biofilm of its own. And hopefully it'll be greenlighted by Spielberg's company, DreamWorks. Blocking the real estate from getting taken up by bad bacteria. Well, how big is you fucking talk about? property. That's my question. Let's move on to Bible 101. I found this interesting. I stumbled over

it this morning. The left is in hysterics after the Texas State Board of Education approved new kindergarten through 12 language arts curriculum standards for the 2030 to 2031 school year. That's a ways away. That includes specific Bible stories and verses as required reading. Did you hear that? we're making some inroads into Marxist academia. They'll never understand. They just don't get it. The country was founded on this shit. Yeah, but separation of school, yeah.

Read your history. I'll tell you about it right now. Let's take a look at a video. If you turn on CNN or the BBC or the Guardian or PBS, NBC, any of them, honestly, you'd think Texas had just crowned Jesus, king of Texas, and ordered every public school child to genuine flet before a Bible on their teacher's desk. It's Glenn Beck, the great Glenn Beck. The truth, however, is that these standards do not, in any way, breach the First Amendment's Establishment Clause. Did you hear that? It doesn't

breach the First Amendment Establishment Clause. They simply retether America and the broader West to her founding principles. There is no mandate to put a physical Bible in everybody's classroom. That's what the left. They're going nuts. I love it. it. Anytime you push back a little, you see how good they've had it for so long. There's no statewide requirement for devotional prayer or forced religious exercises. It's literacy and historic study. And that's how they play. You know what I mean? Okay, we'll call it just like, you know, just like gender studies or lesbians 101, all that horseshit. And this is actually history and has impacted the glory.

for thousands of years as opposed to you muff divers for the last fucking 40 years. How's that for a good point made by a toothless hillbilly? He points to the 1960s, 1963 Supreme Court case, Abington School versus District. Abington School District versus Shemp, and that's why I chose the story. I could not not choose this. Fucking Shemp, folks. I'm a Shemp fan. A lot of people love Curley.

Most people do. Shemp is my guy. And then I found an article in the internet, why Shemp was the funniest. Some guy wrote it, which means I'm right. Verse Shemp in which the court ruled eight to one that mandatory devotional Bible reading

and prayer as opening religious exercises in public schools violated the First Amendment's Establishment Clause, while explicitly noting that objective academic study of the Bible for its literary and historical qualities that's the good part of this as part of a secular education program is permissible.

You're treating it like text? You know, I think it's a good way. Either way, even if it was violating it. Which it's not because I just read you the original clause, establishment clause. Texas is not becoming a theocracy, Glenn says. They are walking through a door.

The Supreme Court left wide open and that our founders walked through with conviction. In 1782, Congress even officially endorsed the Aitken Bible, the first complete English language Bible printed in the U.S. for both religious study and literacy advancement in schools. So this is nothing new. It's just that the left came in and outsmarted the fucking right and the Christians and whoever else for a hundred years. And now we're finally waking up after Trump showed up and said, what are you doing?

one of the very first things that our representatives did was to put the Bible in the hands of American families and schools, says Glenn Beck. That's not Christian nationalism, he says. That's the actual founding character of our republic. I think that's well put. And I don't care if it is or it isn't. After what the left has been doing? How about the left not letting parents talk to their kids about their sexuality? Shut the fuck up.

They should make it required reading. You know, when you go to the bookstore, you have to buy that. And I personally, I don't want to read that. No, I have. I can't help it. There's so much, as a comedian, when I read the book, there's so much good stuff. That's why one of my chapters in this book was about religion, you know.

I have one of my, I don't know if I did it for you, Dales. One of my bits was how kosher food, that means the animal had to be killed in a nonviolent way. and I said I can picture some guy driving his Yorkie to Dr. Gavakian's office. I'm shit. Not yorky. Whatever you eat lamb. Yorkie.

Okay, he's Chinese. I don't know. Let's move on to shit happens. God, we went from a vagina to the Bible to a poo-poo story. You've got to admit. The state of Texas continues to experience a mass influx of Indian immigrants, which I'm a fan of, to a certain point, who are now the largest Asian subgroup

in the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex. The increase in population growth is in part due to the state's robust H-1B program. That's, you know, come over to work. You know, look, it's hurt us a lot, too, when Bill Clinton, I think, was on it, we started importing all these cheap labor. and both the left and right was for it.

You're talking Indians and Asians, would work for dirt cheap and put Americans out of work. It's no surprise then that the majority of the H-1B fraud cases and investigations that have been publicly reported or pursued in Texas in recent years involve Indian nationals, Indian origin individuals, same thing, or firms primarily serving Indian workers. Blaze TV Sarah Gonzalez,

This girls, every day digging up some great shit, has been at the forefront of these investigations, busting allegedly fraudulent Indian-run businesses, you know, like layering centers, claiming to sponsor H-1B visa workers. But Sarah's issues with Texas growing Indian community go beyond just fraud, and here's where it gets funny. She says, and I quote Ms. Gonzalez,

all of these people come here illegally or legally scam our system, drive up home prices, and then shit on our neighborhoods like quite literally, she says. Dallas found some footage, and this isn't, luckily this is in India, but I'm sure it's coming to your neighborhood soon. This is some stew in India. And the guy's mixing it with his feet. India, I can't believe all of India isn't over here.

When you see clips of India, it gives me diarrhea. I don't even have to eat their food. I just look clips of it and I go, who the fuck? She points to a story that has gone viral of an Indian man publicly defecating in a Texas neighborhood. I think it was somebody doing it

in front of Jack Prescott's house, some guy that was on Fandul from Calcutta, lost roubles. What do they got over there? Do you think that when they come here, here, this is Ms. Gonzalez talking, they're going to stop shitting in the streets? No, of course not, she says. They don't respect our country. They're coming here to take it. I guess, I feel that way about, well, Muslims, and I guess a lot of Indians are Muslims, too.

So she makes a valid point. But there's also a lot of really smart ones who want access to our education. And like I said, when I lived in Queens, I always went to Indian doctors because they always got it right. I don't know. I did poop in front of one's office that didn't get it right. That's me. This is the only thing I could find. What's wrong?

What's wrong with you? That's it. That's why I chose that. The ending. I had no idea. Look at this. Look at this guy is making some type of soup. I don't like the fact that he's standing in a bowl

a soup or whatever the fuck he's making. And they're known to shit in public. Never had Indian food, never will. Me and Louis C.K. We first moved to New York. We walked around the village for hours. And this new Indian place opened up. And we'd walk by it.

Walk by it. Year after year, we never saw more than two people in it. Probably a front now that I think about it. This is not the first time we've had some documentation of an Indian person or an immigrant of some sort who doesn't respect our country, doesn't respect our rules, caught like peeing right outside their

restaurant that they work at. I know, that's stupid. You got a bathroom in there? By the way, what did I have? Do we eat fast food on the road? I can't remember. Didn't go to McDonald's. I'm very disappointed. You can take the Indian out of India, she says, but you can't take the India out of the Indian. And that's racist. Apparently not. Nothing beats to the Chit-Too holiday. And right now, you can save 50 pounds per person. That's 200 pounds off for a family of four. Pause. That's an Indian kid, supposedly, at a Starbucks.

Show what's real to me. Just shitting. Can you imagine? I wonder what the name on the cup was. Oh, my God. What was that thing on the internet? Three girls, one cup. Remember?

They were shitting into the... Remember that one? I watch it like the Suprudea film. Her log was... going back and to the left. Back into the left. What a gross show, I know. Finally tonight,

bye-bye Lindsay. I'm glad we got to this. Senator Lindsey Graham died of a ruptured aorta brought on by chronic heart disease according to the preliminary findings of the D.C. Medical Examiner's Office released on Sunday. An initial investigation found

that the 71-year-old senator from South Carolina died from aortic dissection due to arterioschlorotic cardiovascular disease. We used to call that hardening of the arteries. That's what it was called. My parents, when I was growing up, according to the findings, which were released by the senator's office. The rare condition, it's rare today, but it wasn't back in the day.

The rare condition involves a tear in the body's main artery. It mostly affects older men. Yeah, I get that to look forward to. according to the Mayo Clinic and two fat guys. Trump called into one of the Sunday morning talk shows to talk about the late senator who he had a funny relationship with. But they got along once Lindsay saw that Trump wasn't just all talk

and he was action. He became a fan. And this guy, you can say a lot about him? I read this this morning. He was getting chest pains, right? like 7.30 or whatever. And his agent said this. And he said, his agent said,

you gotta get to a doctor and shit. He was complaining of his chestband. And he said, Lindsay literally said, no, no, I can't die tonight because I got to meet the press tomorrow and talk about sanctions.

And he was dead serious. That's what he fucking said. And he was in Ukraine, like Saturday, all day working. And the other thing, I don't think it's in the story. Here's why you know he's the real deal.

Had the lowest, you know what, net worth of anybody in Congress or in the house or whatever. How about that? Also, his parents died when he's young. He adopted his young assistant and raised her. Two, excuse me, two sisters.

How about that? Yeah, we know he might have been, whatever. Give us a fuck. Better human being now would be. I wouldn't adopt my sisters. I'd be fighting about music. So here's a clip of

Trump calling into the Sunday morning show yesterday talking about how much he liked, Lindsay. I said, even strangers, that I got a call last night sometime at, you know, the early evening, maybe in the sevens. And he called and he said, we're all set for the Save America Act.

He was pushing the Save America Act like crazy. He got back, said he just landed from Ukraine. I said, that's a long trip to make it. He said, he sounded a little tired, but perfect, but a little bit tired. I had a right to be. And he was a worker. No, he was really a worker. But he sounded great, actually. But he was, he actually said he was tired. But he wanted to pass the Save America Act. And I said, well, we're going to get it done, Lindsay. We're going to get it done. I'll see you like soon. We thought we might even meet today. And then that was it. And that was, you know, very, very. around the time. It couldn't have been much longer. It could have been his last call. I don't know exactly. Let's just say it wasn't a perfect call. Remember I made a perfect call? This one wasn't that perfect. Him and Trump initially didn't like each other too much.

I have proof of it. Video two, please. That he's a jackass. That he's bringing when he first ran Trump. His name down and he's not. helping the process and he shouldn't be commander-in-chief. If you want to be commander-in-chief of the armed forces, you need to understand that John McCain and all like him, not as John are truly American heroes.

Then when you put yourself, when you put yourself in harm's way, that makes your hero. But you know what I think is it makes your hero? When you're the spouse raising kids when your loved ones deployed, been in the military for 33 years, it truly is a team and it family. So what he said about John, I think, was offensive. He's becoming a jackass at a time when we need to have a serious debate. And you know what? That's the one time I really didn't like what Trump said at all. I couldn't agree with it, you know. What did he say? I like winners.

People who get captured a losers, right? Something like that. I don't know what he's thinking there. But that's how shows you how much people are hungering. for somebody who talked no bullshit. Even that was a horrible thing to say, it's what Trump felt, so I'm sure he scored points as far as being honest, but I didn't like that either. And he rightfully called it out. I liked him because like I said,

you know, how are you gonna date? Hold on. I liked them because like I said, that first debate when he was at the kids table, remember their debate was at four o'clock, the real one was at like a nine. He had a couple of cracks, Self-deprecating and fucking funny.

And here he is speaking somewhere in South Carolina and being very funny. In 72 years. 72 years ago, a woman could not be part of the American experience. If you don't vote, that's coming back in 2017. But how far are you going to vote? Well, look how far you've come. The most dishonest person in America is a woman. How far you've come?

Who's about to be president? How could that be? My party is going back crazy. A good Republican would defend Ted Cruz after tonight. That ain't happened. Everybody hates Ted Cruz. That's his message. Listen to this job.

If you killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate and the trial was in the Senate, nobody could convince you. Rest in peace, Lindsay. Of course, we teased him all the time because he was what they call a confirmed bachelor back in the day. But boy, he kept it quiet, didn't he?

Never caught him. Like Obama snort and coke at a, you know, bathhouse in San Francisco right after he got here from Kenya. So RIP, Mr. Lindsay. That's the show, folks. I thought it was delicious for a Monday. and I smell peabity award.

Who's with me? I don't want to show all of you. By the way, that's footage of Lindsay. I forgot to show. No, actually, it's Mitch McConnell. Mitch McConnell. Have you been following that? The last week and a half, ten days,

they said he was brain dead. They thought he was brain dead and shit. And there's a picture from yesterday in the hospital sitting up. They must have propped him up. He's smiling. That guy's dead. died like eight times in the last six months. Weekend at Bernie's.

Yeah, weekend at fucking Mitchells. Absolutely. That's it, folks. Don't forget Cameo.com. If you want me to roast a friend or a relative, go to Cameo.com. You guys think of I'll say it. You're very welcome. Good to be back.

We will see you at the same time tomorrow. Take care. Hi. Good night, everybody.