The Nick DiPaolo Show - Jamaal's Alarming Behavior | Nick Di Paolo Show #1463

Episode Date: October 2, 2023

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about the Hypocrite in Chief, Republican in-fighting and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com

🎵 That's your world, I just live in it. Hi, welcome to Sponges and Pads. The show that will have you self-absorbed. Oh, God. Why don't I start off with a bloody snatch joke? Great to be with you. Filthy Monday from the state of Georgia. Beautiful weather down here. Honest to God. I think I would have gave up being a comedian if I had come down here. Well, I did come down here 17 years ago, so that's a lie.

But best move I ever, honest to God. Whores everywhere. Peace be come in and out of the place. What am I going to do with Henry? What am I going to do with fur coats? It's fucking August. Put them in the freezer. No, no, no. What's going on, folks? Real quick, quick headlines that I'm not really doing well. They're kind of related to the stories. Dianne Feinstein finally kicked the bucket. No, no, no. 90 years old. You got a hand for the bitch. She hung in there.

And then I'll tell you later. There's more to that story. Also, Tim Wakefield in the sports world. You guys, if you're baseball fans, especially from your Red Sox or New York fans, you know who this guy is. This guy was one of the best knuckleballers. Won over 200 games in the majors. He was a Pittsburgh Pirate when he got drafted,

and he wasn't a very good pitcher, regular pitcher, so he taught himself the knuckleball. He went down to the minors for a couple years, taught himself the knuckleball. Ends up winning 200 games at a Red Sox, over 200 games. Comes out of the bullpen, starts. He'd go nine innings because he was a knuckleball.

Just a consummate team guy. Won the Roberto Clemente Award. That's like for people who do the most charity work and stuff. Just anybody you talk to. Like this guy was the real deal. Spent so much time working with children and cancer and all that shit. That's all he did in his off time. And he dies of a brain tumor.

Get this. It gets worse. His wife is dying of pancreatic cancer right now. And apparently they've both known this for a while. Curt Schilling, who everybody hates him, but I think it's because he's a right winger. He's an intense guy. I still like him.

He announced it on his show. The Wakefields were keeping it under wraps, and he announced it last week and made it public, which everybody wants to kill him now. Not everybody. Some people are defending him, but I don't know. I don't know where I sit on that one because he knew that it was being kept. That's why I'm kind of like, that's not cool. But anyways, that made me fucking sad.

He gave up the home run to Aaron Boone, 2003 pennant against the Yankees. A walk-off home run by Aaron Boone that sent him to the World Series. And this is how much of a great guy he was. When he gave that up even Joe Torrey right after they interviewed him right after the game and he's talking about the and he goes uh Timmy didn't deserve he taught everybody knew him from you know he goes Timmy Wakefield didn't deserve that he was unbelievable the whole see you know the whole series and blah blah blah and uh and he did he walked off professionally he didn't pout just you know, it was, and that became Aaron fucking Boone, like Bucky fucking Den

home run. I think Dennis Larry. Anyhow, boy, that made me sad. Dianne Feinstein, I was laughing, and this took the edge right off it. No, I'm just kidding. I'll be dead soon. Look at the forehead. I forgot to put the powder on it.

It looks like there's a fucking mirror. Want to snort coke off my head? Do a few lines. You get it? Knock fucking mirror. Want to snort coke off my head? Do a few lines, you get it? All right, enough bullshit. I'll show you real quick. It's one of these weekends, like I always say, Stephen Hawking burned more calories if he was alive than me. I laid on the couch at 2 p.m. on a Saturday, on a beautiful day, by the way. I went, I did my workout and walked around and did, you know, followed a couple of co-eds, made them nervous.

And I said to my wife, it's 2 p.m. I said, I will be getting up at 2 a.m. from this fucking college other than piss breaks. Sure enough, that wasn't even enough. I told Dallas at 2 a.m. I'm going, ooh. I taped a fucking game last week that I didn't see. I can't, I'm queer for fucking college football I'm sorry, it's just as good as it gets

Notre Dame, I'm fucking This guy Jack, I'm not a fag I think I've made that clear I'd blow this guy This guy looks like Burt Reynolds When Burt Reynolds, not in the longest yard In friggin, when he played for Florida State. This guy is a movie star.

Black hair, fucking beard. He looks like Jesus at Notre Dame. Anyways, they get the ball back against Duke, ranked seventh. Great defense. They get a great quarterback. They get the ball at their own five, Notre Dame. They have to go 95 yards in two and a half minutes. They do. And that was own five, Notre Dame. They have to go 95 yards in two and a half minutes. They do.

And that was just one of many games. LSU had a shootout with Ole Miss, was it? No. Ole Miss. Auburn scared Georgia. Auburn gave Georgia all they wanted to hand. I mean, you've got to know what games to pick. You know, people are crazy about calling.

You've got to know which ones. Because there's a hundred of them. And, you know, I never disappoint myself. But it's like I told you, it's 2 a.m. Oh, I clicked over to B.C., Virginia, which I had recorded earlier. Even that was a barn burner. Anyhow, why am I talking about that? Ole Miss, anyways, because, you know, I guess that was considered an upset, right?

And so they charge the field. College kids don't even know now. You don't charge the field. You charge it when you're upset number one. But now they, again, because they have to be on camera this generation, they all charge the field after every win. They're just so fucking hungry to get a selfie of them. They think they had

something to do with the win, these fucking jerk-offs. But anyways, Ole Miss, the crowd charges the field, and there's a security guard trying to stop them. Just watch this and have a nice laugh for yourself. Look at the fat guy in the middle.

Oh, he can't catch anyone. for yourself. Look at the fat guy in the middle. Oh, I'm getting lightheaded. Jesus Christ. Can we look at that again? He must have been a frustrated linebacker 30 years ago who wanted to play at Ole Miss, and now he's... Go! Go!

What's the idea? Get up there. Get off the field. Sit down. Take off your Sit down Sat that broad right down What's funny about that Is he shed the tackle I mean the block

The guy before If you're a linebacker The guard comes out after You shed You fucking shed him To make the tackle He knocked that bitch in her ass She'll probably be on

Judge Judy Trying to get $85 But I know that guy Must have been a frustrated Football player He didn't have much Lateral movement He knocked that bitch in her ass. She'll probably be on Judge Judy trying to get $85. But I know that guy must have been a frustrated football player. He didn't have much lateral movement at 5'4", 600 pounds. Anyhow, absolutely cracked me the fuck up. What do we got as real stories go? Oh, hypocrite in chief.

I wonder who that might be. President Biden amused that so-called MAGA Republican movement may actually be anemic, but it is still anemic. It's so anemic every time Trump puts on a rally, there's fucking 40,000 people in line. That's anemic. I think that this is the last gasp. Oh, my God, this poor prick is delusional. Or maybe the first big gasp of MAGA Republicans.

Oh, I see. He's not a protector. And I think Trump has concluded that he has to win. Wow, you're a detective, fuckstain. Biden told ProPublica in an interview released on Sunday, interviewer John Harwood, who couldn't have thrown more softball questions, another lefty dick sucker, asked Biden if the threat to democracy could be smaller than feared due to the lack of violence in the 2022 midterm elections. That's when you know it's going good.

When you can, you know, you're questioning democracy because there was no violence. That's, you know, I think the opposite thing is happening, John, Biden said, with AOC's hand up his ass like Kermit the Frog. Well, he says Trump will pull out all the stops. I mean, the quotes he uses are just, I never thought I'd hear a president say some of the stuff he'd say. Well, let me repeat some of the shit you've said. White supremacy is our biggest threat to the homeland.

How about that, fuckstain? Or how about the border's under control? I don't know what to say. I'm not going to opine on that right now. No, you couldn't because you don't know what you're talking about. Biden said when asked about whether Trump should be disqualified, noting that a lot of serious constitutional scholars disagree on the matter, the octogenarian president was also uneasy about whether the conservative majority Supreme Court is upholding and will uphold the rule of law.

That's the hardest question this guy could come up with he's upset about he knows that was handed to him say ask him this listen to this dink go ahead that rule of law is a essential feature shut up do you personally have confidence that this current supreme court is you know the conservative one rule of law? I worry because I know that if the other team, the mega Republicans win, they don't want to uphold the rule of law. They want to get rid of the FBI. I mean, the things they say. And I think that somehow we've got to communicate to the American people, this is for real. Look, they need fucking close caption.

You fucking hypocrite. They're not upholding the law? Have you looked at the border lately? That's only constitutional law that you're fucking wiping your ass with. Upholding the law? Smash and grab ring a bell? Every fucking blue city, violence through the roof, appointing DAs who are fucking radical, uphold the law, suck a

dick and die Joe. Can I say that? I said it pretty well didn't I? Hey by the way guys, in the second half of the show I'm gonna be talking about Ukraine's version of crankyankers. You want to have a good laugh? And Governor Newsom, you know, the shapeshifter, appointed somebody to replace the dead Dianne Feinstein. And you're going to be shocked, really shocked at who he picked exclusively on Mug Club. So join now to get it at nickdip.com. Hey, boys and girls, head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, t-shirts, hoodies, and more. It's yet another way for you to support the show and look sexy at the same time. You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nicka shirts. Just go to nickdip.com and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com, click on store. Thank you guys so much. See you soon.

And how about that softball question? You know, this conservative court, the one that allowed Trump to secure like, you know, 80 judges across the country. How about going after, how about prosecuting your political rival? Upholding the law? How fucking dare you, John Harwood? You know why there's no D in it?

Yeah, you know why. That's right. You can't get that fucker up. Remember the guy in a wheelchair? Were you taping me on that show? Remember the guy in the wheelchair heckled me and he said, I don't know if you were recording me. And he goes to me.

It was a drunk guy in a wheelchair. I told this on Steven Crowder. Did I tell it on Crowder? Drunk guy and he was loud and he was up front so everybody in the club knew he was in a wheelchair and he was unlikable, which is a wet dream for a comedian. A cripple who fucking nobody likes. It's a fastball down the middle. He goes to me right in the middle. He goes, hey, didn't you have black hair a few years ago?

And this quick, I go, didn't you have feeling in your legs a few years ago? And then he gave me the finger and I go, at least you can get that up, huh? I go, don't you have better shit to do like emptying your bag? Then I got mean. Anyways, that's what you'll see if you come out and see me, folks. Meanwhile, these guys, young comedians, are filling arenas because they had a couple of quips. It really is fucking, I was born. Anyways, let's get on to a guy who apparently, depending on who you believe, is unliked in the Congress. Or I'm a fan because he's had enough of the left-wing shit.

Headline, Matt gets it on. Get it? Matt gets it on with McCarthy. Chief GOP agitator, Matt gets Republican, you know, you know, he's a fucking missing Kennedy, I always say. Announced Sunday his intent to file a motion to oust House Speaker Kevin McCarthy. There's the Kennedy. Let me tell you this. Yeah. But the California Republican brushed off the threat, saying, I'll survive. That's McCarthy saying that. Just look at him.

Here he is saying, I don't want to talk to you. Get away from me. Apparently he has a heavy New York accent. I'm with Goetz because this guy's a Republican from California. I don't trust that. He said things in the past. He said that Trump should have resigned after January 6th.

I'm sorry. That's my litmus test. I'm with fucking, why even, why try to reach across the aisle on anything? I'm with this guy. I don't know. Even though, I got to admit, McCarthy has surprised me so far. But he's just, I know how it works. You do it when you first get elected, and you know, you do it when you play the game,

and then he'll be a rat like fucking, you know. McConnell. McConnell, who looks like a baby shitting his pants when he has a mini stroke. Getz has long been dangling the motion to vacate the motion over McCarthy's head and indicated the breaking point was the Speaker's recent move to avert a government shutdown. Oh, thank God. Thank God the government didn't shut down. What would we do other than celebrate for the next fucking year?

I can't go to the gift shop at Yellowstone? Oh, no. My wife wanted that bison tote bag. I do intend to file a motion to vacate against Speaker McCarthy this week, gets told CNN's State of the Union Sunday. This agreement that he made with Democrats to really blow past a lot of the spending guardrails which set up is a last straw. The right-wing firebrand continued.

Obviously, who wrote this? Firebrand. Yeah, firebrand. You never hear a left-wing firebrand, do you, who wrote this? Firebrand. Yeah, firebrand. You never hear a left-wing firebrand. Do you? They don't even put up liberal. It's always conservative columnist, conservative author. You never see left-wing jerk-off.

Anyways, here's a video of something. Him talking to CNN. Oh, yeah, him talking to CNN. Go ahead. This agreement that he made with democrats uh to really blow past a lot of the spending guardrails we'd set up is a last straw and then overnight i learned that kevin mccarthy had a secret deal with democrats on ukraine he had a secret.

Is that real? I don't think you'd say that on national TV if it wasn't. All right, so I'm with guts. Yeah, I'm that easy to fool. By the way, I might have been wrong about my boy Vivek Ramaswamy. Jimmy Brewer. I think it's Jimmy Brewer. Ever have somebody send you a text and you see a phone number but there's no name

and then you read a couple threads you did back with them but it still doesn't give it away? It has to be Brewer because I said, yeah, man, we should tour together or something because we're kind of up, you know, different types of comedy. But he sent me this something at eight in the morning saying, in case you haven't found out yet, your boy Vivek, whatever, and it's a TikTok video of Vivek saying about eight things that Obama has said in the past. Like, you know, kind of weird, using analogies like the Republicans crashed the car and, you know, it's fucking weird.

So, and that's all it takes to fool me but then again in today's world that could be that could be a CGI seriously I'm watching commercials now going that's not real they're already implemented I can see it I go that's not a guy that's a trans woman let me throw that in, by the way. Allstate Insurance, they have two big commercials out during football games. I play spot the tranny. I do. And my wife is being fooled by it, like most of America. I bet you a lot of you out there don't even realize when you see a woman, you think, oh, that's an ugly woman. But then you have to look closer. The voice is deeper. She's got forearms like Boog Powell, reference from the 70s. Yup, there's one where the lady goes, oh, that's not going to fit. That's her thing.

She can see, which is a guy trait, by the way. But it's clearly a guy who became a woman. And then there's another Allstate one where this guy's an expert on podcasts. And he's really, I think he's in an elevator, but he's got the cardigan on. And my wife goes, no, that's just a faggy guy. Yeah, so faggy he's got a clit. That's a fucking woman who thinks he's a guy now. I'm on to you, Allstate.

I'm transitioning as we speak. That's how bad it is. Anyways, back to the story. I regressed into Fagville. McCarthy, however, struck a defiant tone Sunday and blamed Goetz for tanking efforts to bolster the border and score other conservative victories. McCarthy said, I'll survive, he told CBS Face the Nation on Sunday. You know, this is personal with Matt. Matt voted against the most conservative ability to protect our border. He's more interested in securing TV interviews than doing something. Well, you got to get on TV to do something in this country. Again, this guy has been all right. But what I just heard,

if it's true, fuck him. I don't know. I never trusted that guy. For all I know, he had my friend Angel Fernandez killed. That's from Scarface, you kids out there who don't know anything happened before Wednesday. Yeah, motherfucker. Bring it on. Let's get it over with, McCarthy added. Goetz is trying to work with Democrats. He's reached out to Swalwell, AOC, and others. But if that's the way we're going to govern, I don't think America is going to be successful. Well, that's a dumb statement.

McCarthy and his Republican allies pitched a myriad of bills to avert government shutdown, featuring a range of spending cuts, border security, and other wishlist items. But after enough GOP hardliners rejected... There is no... I'm the fucking right-wing hardliner. There's nobody in D.C. you could even label a hardliner on the right. There's not one of them that would pull a fire alarm to stop a

boat. Yeah, a nice segue into another story. But after enough GOP hardliners rejected all the iterations of those proposals, McCarthy pulled out, as George Collins, it doesn't sound manly to me, at the last minute stopgap, continuing continuing resolution to keep the government open for 45 more days honest to God like we could with disaster aid and no Ukraine funding no funding I tell you so stopgap measure you remember what happened the last time they shut down the government, folks? Do you remember? Me either. Me either. Me either. I couldn't go to the post office for

an hour. Anyways, it's a bunch of jerk-offs. For those of you guys on Mug Club, stick around for the second half of this show. Everyone else, you go to nickdip.com. Join to get my full show. Stephen Crowder's full show, which is the best thing on the internet. His numbers prove it.

He gets bigger numbers in certain demographics than TV shows do. And you got Brian Callen. You got the Hodge twins. You get Alex Jones on Friday. He's working on Jimmy Brewer. I'm not sure what Jimmy. Jimmy did a special, I think, that Crowder might have produced or something, but I think he's going to be coming aboard, not to mention some other

names he's working on. So again, go to nickdip.com and join to get the full show. guitar solo I'm out.