The Nick DiPaolo Show - JD is VP! | Nick Di Paolo Show #1598

Episode Date: July 16, 2024

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about the RNC, Tucker gets it, and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s ��Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com

["Sweet Home Alone"] The Antichrist. You got me in a vendetta kinda mood. Hi kids, welcome to the show. The Dems have us in a vendetta kind of mood. These fucking bottom teeth, they look like fucking JD Vance's when he was living in Appalachia. God fucking damn it. I had asthma as a kid, folks, so I had tetracycline shots for about a year, and they gray your teeth, so they make them dent, but now I have coffee and a little bit of cigarette

on top of that. So I look like I grew up in Kentucky with a fucking single mother and a crackhead. I'm not talking about JD Vance. He was obviously other whatever, other white shithole. It's something you don't hear that often. Anyhow, good to be with Dallas. You know, I made the other night and I know you know, you're miller Although I'm guessing the foods a lot better the military than it was when my dad was a Marine but shit on a shingle

Do they still do that Well, we did see rations and then it turned into MREs. Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah, I had you know I tried the MRE they gave to us over there when I was with a US Oh, did it clog you up? It did I didn't shit till a Christmas after the year I went over there And yeah Folks, it's just well we used to call it great gravy train is what we called it as a kids They used to serve it in school over mashed potatoes in the military. It's on toast It used to be on toast. That's why they call that SOS shit on a shingle. That's my total knowledge of the military it's on toast it used to be on toast that's why they

call that SOS shit on a shingle that's my total knowledge of the military that and go on the pile reruns it was so fucking good me and the wife you'd have thought we're at a fucking steak house what's better than fucking hamburger man you know it's it's hamburger in gravy over mashed potatoes how the fuck's that gonna suck and two two nights prior I in gravy over mashed potatoes. How the fuck's that going to suck? And two nights prior, I made chicken over mashed potatoes, which is my mother used to make for us. It's basically like chicken pot pie, what's in the filling, only over mashed potatoes.

There's a way to get cut, huh? Jesus Christ. Then the fucking wife buys like boxes of, you know what, ice cream sandwiches. Ever try to eat one of those? Are you fucking kidding me? She eats one. I'm on my fifth going, I'm not feeling anything.

Then I have lactose, so I'm spray painting the bowl two hours later. What a, thought I'd give you a guy that, boy, if that's not TMI as they say. All right, I've bullshitted you people enough. Real quick, though, anybody watch the goddamn Home Run Derby, they really have it perfected. They tweak it every year. It comes down to fucking Bobby Witt Jr. I hope you guys are baseball fans.

I'm boring you. You're like, yeah, Nick, ignore the shooting of the president and tell us about the Bobby Witt Jr. who is, what's he in his second year? He's already a superstar it's already he's hitting 328 with 67 hours 20 something home runs at the all-star he's a little skinny white kid who plays shortstop like he's already in the upper he's in the fucking G to category if he stays healthy and shit anyways it came down to him and Teosca whatever his fuck his name is who used to be a blue jade

now he's a Dodger but it comes down to them Bobby anyways Teosca hits like that's his first name I can't remember Teoscar Hernandez something like that anyways comes down the final round he ends up with like 14 Bob that's very hard Bobby Witjo andune gets up there. There's a clock on him for like three minutes, whatever. The first minute, he's only got like three. Then it comes down to like a minute. He's got to hit like six in a row.

I'm paraphrasing. He does, though. He hits like six in a row. And then he hits one. So far, you get a bonus. So now it's 14 to like 13. He's down by one. and he's got one more pitch of and he pops it up but it was fucking exciting right down how the you

gotta hand it to him that's why anyways you guys still awake hello baseball apple pie pussy Chevrolet okay last, first night of the RNC convention slash party slash thousands of old white people with plastic hats on, blowing noise makers. But it was interesting, obviously with the backdrop being the assassination attempt and Donald Trump getting shot at 48 hours before this and he shows up like he tripped over something stubbed his toe and this is a nice and emotional will show the first clip is him entering the arena and it's about a minute we're gonna play the whole thing because he gets emotional as he's walking why wouldn't you first of all who else would be there well I'm sure Hillary would

have been there if she got anyways you wouldn't have first of all who else would be there? Well, I'm sure Hillary would have been there if she got Anyways, you wouldn't have missed Hillary. It's like shooting an elephant Anyways, and I'm not gonna darn got shit yet. Okay Please welcome the next president of the United States It states Donald J. Trump. And he is the next president. Sorry. No way he's going to lose. No way.

I'm saying it right here now, unless they try to kill him again. Imagine if he hit his ear when he did that. I didn't think he could get any more famous. I thank my lucky stars to be living here today. Cause the flag still stands for freedom. And they can't take that away. He's getting emotional. freedom and they can't take that away good luck democrats

as far back as i can remember i always wanted to be a gangster gangster. And he is, excuse me, he is a bad ass. Good luck. It makes me scared because now they're even more desperate. What I would love to be a fly in the wall at the DNC and what those meetings are like. Are you shitting me? Who hired this kid? What the fuck? Where did you find him? In a shooting range in fucking Butler? Yes. What the fuck? Guys, he's been persecuted, prosecuted, supposedly a felon. Everybody

knows that it was rigged. Now they try to kill him and he's still alive. Well, that's bad news for me and bad news for you if you don't make that deal They hit him with one shot and he's still alive That's from the Godfather folks anybody out there. Wake the fuck up. Don't make me come over there I'm all fired up the caffeine just kicked it Holy shit. All right, let's go to the next clip, which I think it's me throwing Snickers bar at somebody. No, it's uh, the next clip which I think it's me throwing a snickers bar at somebody.

No, it's introducing JD Vance. I know firsthand that my dear friend JD is a selfless and brilliant writer. Real quick, I think you guys know this, he was picked and I'm very happy about it. Again, first I wanted, first I thought it was going to be Elise Stefanik, that woman in New York who had Trump's back through the darkest days and he loved her. And then I said, Telsie Gabin would be great. Military, female, kind of fucking hot and smart as a whip. I thought he'd be great.

And Rama Swamy, I wanted, but he's better off in a cabinet position. You don't want to waste those brains on the BP thing. JD Vance is only 39 years old. Okay. And I haven't read Hillbilly LJ I haven't seen the movie I'm watching it this weekend. So but here's the guy telling a little bit about JD. We'll get into JD we'll get into more specifics at the last story of the day. Go ahead. He is a patriot who loves America. He loves Ohio. He loves oh, he's the one believe he's a great father

He's a great man and that's what we need in this nation today The JD vance like where the applause is not just a slogan. It's his North Star He has followed it every moment of his life and career. He knows what it's like to live in poverty every moment of his life and career. He knows what it's like to live in poverty, forgotten by Washington politicians. He is dedicated to ensure that no American is ever forgotten again. I'm happy, man.

He was another Trump, you know, 10 years ago, or nine years ago. You know he had some bad quotes about Trump like everybody does and then they asked him why and they go well why what's what's changed he goes he did everything he said he was going to do as president he was a great president. Which for those people that criticize the pick you have to realize that people change you can't punish people for that's exactly right like long ago if you did that you guys watch presidential debates I believe Kamala Harris was calling her a lover Joe Biden fucking racist segregationist asshole the fucking left is so stupid he said

negative thing yeah and again he didn't just say him yesterday. He said him 10 years ago. The guy and people, you know, even people on like fans of mine, he's not ready. That's a lousy pick. I go, I answered a couple. I usually don't answer back. I said the guy raised in abject poverty and he had fucking appellation by his basically his grandmother. Mother was a drug addict and drunk.

Dad was hardly ever there. OK, you got that? Aces the SATs but goes into the military instead because he didn't think he had the discipline to go to college. So he went into the Marines, went to Iraq. So he's got that under his belt, comes back, goes to Ohio State and graduates in two years. I'm going to, we might cut the last story because I'm telling you all what I was going to tell you then. Goes to Ohio State, graduates in two years, cum laude of his class. You got that, folks?

Then goes to Yale Law School. And I know what you're all saying. Yeah, but those are the fucking everybody's been a president's been at Yale Law School. Also, I'm saying he's the American dream. Grows up growing up in Hillbillyville, and now he's on a vice president ticket. Didn't have a silver spoon.

Yeah, what are you fucking? That's the American dream. So what's your beef with him? That he's smart? Oh, by the way, I forget. He also went into business. Very successful in technology and finance. What the fuck more do you want?

And he's 39! I didn't even know all this shit about him. I like him even more now. So whatever. You guys have your opinion. Who would be better? Who? I didn't even know all this shit about him. I like him even more now. So whatever. You guys have your opinion. Who would be better? Who?

Burgum? From Transylvania? The gentleman from Transylvania. Who's a great business guy and all that. I'm just saying for Christ's sake. Especially he's got the military. Anyhow I thought it was a great pick. And the next clip I believe is what?

Don Jr. Here's Don Jr. talking at the first night. Obviously it was a pretty somber moment. I was with my kids on a Saturday. Pause one second. That's, you know, Caitlin Collins. I think she did one of the debates, right? She's CNN girl.

She was, remember she really tried to rough up, I forget who it was, one of the Republicans. She sort of made her name for herself. And, but watch her stone face. They're just cold and emotionless. He's gonna list off all the great shit and what his father just went through. And this bitch is just staring at him, watch.

Now, I get this news that he's been shot but I couldn't get a hold of anyone he's disappointed the hospital took about 90 minutes so that was a long time 90 minutes where you could talk I could speak to him and really know what was going on and when I did he was uh you know just some shock but did a lot of resolve he was able to he was joking about it and talking about it in a way that they missed other can do but it was just that moment when he stood up after being shot at look at her just showed resolve to keep fighting for this country that that was everything for me I just literally told him I go you're the biggest badass I know and look no laugh not even a little laughs the first thing I thought

to think of even in that moment because it was he wants to go why do you think that that's the kind of resolve that's why we had peace deals under Trump that's why we had a great economy you need that we're watching right now the we look at her she's annoying tree into all of these disasters into these wars and it's because that's the nature of predation when a predator sees weakness the good food on the world stage they pounce and so I think it's gonna be important to get that back and I'm looking forward to it. Can I just note right now that boo was at Senator Mitch McConnell. I'll give her that much.

But she loved to point out somebody getting booed and that boo is deserved by the way. Okay, you did your time Mitch. Okay, and then you started to get fucking cocoa. At least he didn't have a stroke there and shit his pants. Remember? I feel a warmness. Anyways. Roached.

Then we had Charlie Kirk, who by the way, if anybody has a work ethic to rival Donald Trump, it's Charlie Kirk. I put on his, you go on the internet, this motherfucker's at a different college, a different convention, a pack group. He's arguing with people and college campuses making them look silly he's brilliant I didn't realize you know he's been around for a while this guy has done as much as anybody honest to God here's a quick clip of

Charlie you see young people and he's got Burghams haird, they respond to vision. Butch Patrick. For the past four years, they've seen the vision of the Biden-Harris regime. That vision is you'll own nothing and be happy. The Democrats say instead of owning a home, you'll rent a 400 square foot studio apartment. It's true. Instead of owning a car, you'll rent a 400 square foot studio apartment.

Instead of owning a car, you'll rent a scooter using some app. Their vision is this. It's right on the money. Limit your dreams. Give up. Aim lower. Be content with less. Yeah, sort of the message of every communist regime ever.

Let us handle your life for you. Take your, live in mediocrity with the rest of the people. We have the power, shut your fucking mouth. Hit it right on the fucking head. And then finally the star of the night, this woman dated Kanye West before he was, you know, really huge I guess. But anyways, hardcore kind of a Hollywood lib I guess, right? She really was the star of the night. And Amber Rose, let's take a listen, last clip. The first person I knew who supported Donald Trump was my father. I was shocked. My entire family is racially diverse.

And I believe the left-wing propaganda that Donald Trump was a racist. My father said, no he's not Amber, what are you talking about? And when I insisted, he said prove it. So to prove my father wrong, I did my research and looked into all things Donald Trump. People have to do their research. I watched all the rallies and I started meeting so many of you, his red hat wearing supporters. Fuck them. Beautiful. So is he. I realize Donald Trump and his supporters don't care if you're black, white, gay, or straight. It's all love.

We've been telling you that for years. Pretty good, huh? A convert. Those are the people that I really like. Like Telsey Gabbard, she was smart enough on her own make up her own decision David Horowitz Even that broad on Fox. She was the head of the now organization. I could never remember her fucking name whatever They come around you know they see the light and

It's that easy and I never I I was you know as far as the concept of good and evil After seeing this fucking last eight years Definitely exists. It's all like it. There's a very dark party and a party who sees the I know that sounds fucked up, but anyways So that was the first night of the convention I Guess tonight they got shit. I guess tonight they got a linen skinner kiss journey and don't stop in Abba. Holy shit. Trump said Abba Dabba Doo. A lot of people don't know they shortened it to Abba. It was Abba Dabba Doo. that great man I can't throw it I can't I don't have to throw for it blue too many guys in high school listen delicious

get out of my room Steve all right another guy who's got who gets it and by the way this guy talker carlson i have one resent one regret when he first started his show on fox nose like one of the first weeks he was doing it in new york i just got my radio show at serious and i just got punched in the fucking eye and i guess he read about whatever the fuck i don't go on the show because I didn't want to piss off my bosses at serious. It's your first week and I go that's not going to look good if I take it. And I thought I'd hear from Tucker again not knowing he was going to fucking blow up to who he is. But to this day I'm going to have to stalk

him. I've got to find out where he lives. He's got a place in Maine. I'm going to canoe up there some shit. Because he likes me. I was on red eye with him. He's a good fucking smart guy. He would make a killer president. Anyways, and they hate him because he's a yuppie. He's a khakis wearing. I'm also a big guy. I'm big on that.

Huh? I'm hiding a grease stain under here. I am. I don't know grease stain under here. I am. I don't know where it came from. Anyways, here is Tucker giving his assessment of the assassination attempt and what effect it will have on the upcoming election. And let's be honest, Trump just won. He won.

Not only did he survive an assassination attempt, he stood up without knowing whether there were other shooters there. He stood up and faced the crowd and raised his hand and said, fight, fight, fight. That's it. You do that, you win. And by the way, I happened to notice that the crowd, which also didn't know whether there were other shooters who watched Trump get shot in the face They did not bolt

It wasn't like a fire in a theater. Actually, they sat there They watched him intently and when he stood up they applauded him and many cried Why is that because a brave leader gives his people heart? That's why it's exactly why So with that, Trump became president. I bet my house on it. He's got some houses. And he defeated the Democrats. And on merit, by the way, not through the usual political scheming.

I'll trade you a Senate seat for your vote. No. He did it by being a man in a nation of people who aren't quite. Just being honest. Okay. He acted like a man, the kind of man I respect. And I think every person feels this way. person to kind of get pregnant Trump because leadership isn't actually all about you know the way you talk it's about how brave you are that's what people want they want a brave

leader how about that I think that was right on the money. Before I go on, folks, for those of you people that are going to stick with me, those who aren't going to stick around for the second half of the show, you're going to miss me talking about Biden's interview with Lester Holt, where he was just a curmudgeon. Couldn't believe that Lester Holt was actually questioning some of his beliefs and his rhetoric. And also, like said I was we're going to do a deep dive into JD Vance but I sort of blew my load early on that one well what else we get out the shit what else Dallas what's the other look at the wife of the slain firefighter the wife of the slain firefighter who was in the crowd

who's refused to take Biden's call. She was nice about it. She said, I don't blame him, blah, blah, blah, but I didn't take it because my husband wouldn't want to talk to him either. You know, even if he wasn't sure, obviously. I'm just saying. And we got stuff like that. Anyways, that's for you guys who are going to stick around. Those of you on Mug Club, stick around for the second half of the show.

Everyone else, go to nickdip.com. Join to get my full show, Stephen Crowder's full show and a whole lot more. And while you're there, click on the button that says tour. August 9th, coming up quickly, that's Friday night, Jacksonville Center for the Performing Arts, Jacksonville, Florida. And then the very next night I'll be at the Gas South Theater in Duluth, Georgia on August 10th.

I hope to see you guys out there. It would be great. Interesting times are living in. I don't know what I'm going to say. I'm pretty sure it'll be a lot of knock knock jokes about Polish people. All right. Hi. Good night everybody. I'm gonna be a man Wow wow Thanks for watching!