The Nick DiPaolo Show - JD Vance and his VP Chance | Nick Di Paolo Show #1587

Episode Date: June 18, 2024

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about Trump's polls, JD Vance's chances, George Strait's record and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

["Sweet Home Alone"] I grew up on this in the ghetto. Only this was a scrape so. Good to be with you. I'll show you that on mic. Mmm. Again we're using new equipment so bear with us if there's any kinks on the end. Better stop getting a new camera. I've got a tric acid I kept hearing so much about, but I don't know. We'll see. Cocaina. Yeah, so far more work. Oh, shut up.

It'll be fine. This guy, I can't get this guy happy. I, somebody gave me a nice gift. I gave it to him. Well, all right. It's Tuesday. Oh, man, I'm having a Biden moment. Somebody go get him.

This is what he needs. That's right, that's the Vietnamese Three Stooges. Get upstairs. I think I'm going to hate you. Oh my god. All right, folks. Today's Tuesday. It's a Tuesday. I don't know what I want to talk about.

Anybody else? I, only time I've ever had this is when I'm somewhere in the Caribbean. So when I taste it, I'm flashing back to Vietnam. My wife slapped me because I was late getting ready saying now. Come on honey, a few moments, now. All right, let's get to it. Fuck it, I got nothing. Trump for the win.

That's the headline. What does that mean? Donald Trump's now favored. I don't know why this is fucking news. And I don't believe any of the numbers that it's close in some state. I don't believe any of that. It really is so obvious how fake all this shit is.

Trump is now favored to win the election in November. What do you mean now? Like he shouldn't have? He won the last one, by the way. Don't anybody let you believe otherwise. Anyways, he's predicted to win. Why is this? With 538s, that's Nate Silver.

He always puts up the simulations using polling economic and demographic data show a four-point lead over Biden and like I said do you really get excited that's like going I'm beating a corpse by four points you know I mean it's good and bad news. I am your voice. You want me to believe only a four point seriously, the worst president in history, arguably against one of the best. Honestly, I don't give a shit what you think of his personality. In the early afternoon of yesterday or this weekend, 538 projected Trump winning 50 out of 100 times now hold on a second

with Biden winning 49 out of it really do you want to believe that suck my ass until it's a nice bright red and rub it all over delicious oh no it's not it's very bitter it's like skunk cabbage. With Biden winning 49 of 100 times, do you really believe that? And if that's true, you're the most retarded electorate ever. I don't believe it, I'm sorry.

It's really 85 to 15, and I'm being conservative with Trump ahead, in their simula, here's your your simulation and at 2 p.m update Trump's lead grew with the former president winning 52 out of oh god really stomping him out of 100 times and Biden winning 48 of 100 you the simulation was run over a thousand simulations run Trump came out on top in 509 of them while Biden won in 487 fuck you I'm gonna bring my own numbers since you guys are making yours up at 538 Trump won how many they do a thousand 998 to fucking two there was

no winner in four of the simulations in four of the simulations. You're lying. And you're a piece of shit. Five 38. And again, somebody once said that polling like this, it doesn't reflect what people think and it shapes how they think, which is so right. Five and a 38 states that it's forecast is based on a combination of polls

and campaign fundamentals. What does that even mean? Such as economic conditions, state partisanship, and incumbency. Biden strikes out on all three of them. It's not meant to call a winner, but rather to give you a sense of how likely each candidate is to win. And you're going to tell me Trump is slightly more likely to win? Fuck a bag of bananas. As Turning Point USA founder Charlie Kirk noted, this is the first time his words significant. Trump has in any of his three campaigns led a 538 forecast. Supposedly this 538 forecast, you know, is the most accurate. I don't know why. I don't give a fuck because it's all horse shit.

Hey everybody, we're all going to get laid. That's what Trump's saying right there. 538 simulation also found that Trump's more probable as of Friday, this past Friday, to win the Ele electoral college while Biden is more likely to flunk out of that college. Good night everybody. Biden's more likely to win the popular vote. Again, fuck you and everything that you believe in people who voted for him last time, all 10 of you. Trump was found to win the electoral college with less than 350 electoral votes 38 out of a hundred times while Biden won 28 out of a hundred times Biden was found to win the national popular vote 59 out of a hundred times while Trump won at 41

out of a hundred times so explain this to me you motherless fucks explain this to me Biden did something a couple weeks ago when literally 50 people showed up It was in a room. They had to hide it I forget where literally 50. Oh, I might be Fudging the numbers upwards Trump shows up Well, how many did he have in jersey? Sure 60 to 80 000 And you want me to believe

You want me to believe biden's going to win the popular vote. Well also Trump went to Michigan and went to a church with all black people and was talking solely about black issues and all that stuff. Yeah. Tell them how town whatever the fuck. Yeah. It was a red lobster. He bought them all shrimp.

They loved their shrimp. The simulations also found that Trump has a far higher chance of winning at least one state that he did not win in 2020. Only one. Trump won. By the way, I have to inject this again. I don't give a fuck.

By the way, remember the former intelligence guys, 51 of them signed a thing saying that Hunter laptop was not real it was Russian disinformation and now they admitted it was real and they did a poll and 10% of people that vote for Biden said they wouldn't have which would have literally thrown the the win to Trump so again suck it up with he he didn't win the last time. Biden. Trump won of these states 80 out of 100 times while Biden won one of these states 48 out of 100 times. And again, take that with a grain of kosher salt, you fuck. Oh, I just can't believe people, you want us to believe that. You can't. and that's good news. I'm saying that Trump

You know never been ahead in one of those polls Anyways second half of the show. I'll be talking about my ass crack and how sweaty it is right now and he issues That just grossed me out I came in time Second half of the show Jerry Seinfeld sets a anti-Israel heckler straight in all places, Australia. It's an epic show down, Jerry handles it. I like the pro that he is. I would have jumped in the audience and dick slapped somebody. Excuse me. Also the Surgeon General wants to put a Surgeon General's warning on something that you won't

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See you soon. Let's move on. Turning point for Vance. Hey hey I can turn a phrase turning point for Vance he was at that turning point you know Charlie Callis's organization Charlie Kirk he's the one that goes to colleges and gets all young kids involved he's really doing God's work, man Senator JD Vance who I friggin love every time I hear him talk Republican Ohio he had a huge book called hillbilly

Elegy Hillbilly elegy I'm gonna read that fucker because it's what put him on the map But every time I see him he's's scary smart. And he's got that fire. He hates what's happening in this country. And he's from Ohio. Won a straw poll conducted at Turning Point Action's People's Convention over the weekend regarding who voters want to see serve as former President Donald Trump's vice president. So he came in they did a poll

and he came in way ahead of everybody else which made me happy I just don't understand well how gala Telsey gabot wasn't in them who knows he could be sitting on that not telling us I don't know but I thought she would be perfect but he is a killer big data poll conducted a straw poll which surveyed nineteen hundred and eighty six people at the convention and found that forty three percent were in favor of JD Vance running as Trump's vice president according to the Daily Mail who gives a show at them limey's think other options vice president in the straw polls were Senator Tim Scott fucking yawn

Most boring black person on the planet great guy real conservative, but sorry we tried that shit Marco little Marco Rubio remember how much him in Trump And and and and Rubio impresses me all the time, but he's got a little, he's a little almost too, you don't know, he could turn his back. Excuse me. And Doug Burgum, the guy with Groucho Marx eyebrows, a billionaire who Trump seems to love,

but we already got a billionaire business guy. You need somebody like JD Vance, and people will tell you why. Scott, Tim Scott received 15.4 percent. It would have been 16. They took one point away for gums. Rubio received 7.7 percent and Bergen received 7 percent according to the outlet. He has consistently been one of the President Trump's most capable and articulate defenders and surrogates and he speaks right to the Midwest Americans who attend our Detroit conference Charlie Kirk told the outlet about JD Vance. Kirk added these are precisely the blue wall voters we need to win in November to

reclaim the White House. Vance's message in appeal clearly resonates with this critical voting block. During an interview on CNN's Laura Coats, I went to sister with her, I went to sister, I just fucked up the joke. What a fucking hack open micer. I went to school with her brother, Wynter. That's right, W coach this is that wind rim shot Laura coach live on Friday Ashley ATN one of she's related to the running back

right I know you think that who had served as the communications director under vice president Kamala Harris. That means she's a fucking Dem. Listen to this. She described Vance as posing the greatest threat to Kamala Harris during the debate. Are you shitting me? My son is the greatest threat. That's what I was going to say.

I saw a retarded kid falling down the stairs at a supermarket. He would have fucking cleaned the house. ATN added that Vance is an incredible debater. When's the last time you heard a Dem say something that complimentary and has a quality that makes him seem palpable to the 1 or 2 percent? Vance has been a vocal supporter of the former president and has described the idea that Trump endangered lives on January 6 as being absurd. Just that alone. I like them.

In the aftermath of Trump's guilty verdict from a Manhattan jury at the end of May, Vance stated that Trump's business records trial was the definition of fascism. Well I fucking love them for those two statements. You know? because it was so funny they call him the left dictators and all it is creepy how we're seeing the world through different but the point is both people can't be right both there's only one truth and the thing about Trump is he's all right he's got a record that we can point to, a good one, and we can point to what Biden's done, arguably the worst. So where do you people on the left, your bias

is so strong you can't see straight. You know what I mean? Bill Clinton, I wasn't a fucking Democrat but I liked some of the shit he did, admitted it it was better than what you know at the time like fingering that girl that put me put him right up there in the Hall of shame with me I mean fame what am I saying I don't know anyway so yes a JD Vance I think will be a strong pick let's move on out speaking a strong yum. Yum the Swifties Take that Swifties George straight the king of country music is now also the king of concerts If I could have one tenth of that crowd of be jerking my meat Straight that's George straight. Is it a perfect country guy cowboy hat named straight?

Like it's like Dylan Mulvaney's last name being faggot, you know Straight broke the record for the largest cock in the Texas area. No large Did you hear delicious back there this guy's straight broke the record for the largest us ticketed show when he stepped on stage It Kyle feel you know what Kyle feel is? That's what Texas A&M plays college football, college station on. He had a concert there Saturday. The Amarillo by Morningsinger, oh here we go when they start referencing people. The Fokker's 2 actor. The Amarillo by, they should do that with like fucking ax murderers on the nose. The Tina Smith murderer.

Yes, yes, the Natalie Holloway slaughterer. Anyway, I guess Amarillo by morning, I'm gonna have to download some of this shit. Anyways, he played to a crowd of, get this folks, 110,905. So let's round it off to 111,000. In South Texas, breaking an all-time attendance record, previously set by the Grateful Dead, who I wouldn't go to see if they're in my backyard tonight. Nearly 50 years of

110,000 How do you go to sleep that night after you I was watching By the way, one of my new favorite hobbies is watching black people react to rock and roll like zeppelin and shit It makes me it gives it honest to God. It puts a smile on face gives me hope Zeppelin and shit. It makes me, it gives, it honestly, puts a smile on face, gives me hope about race relations and shit. You know? Because you can say a lot about black people,

they know music. And they fucking know the good shit. Like the Zeppelin shit, whole lot of love. They freaking out at how good Plants' voice is and how bluesy it is. It's unbelievable to watch a bunch of young black and freaking out how good the fuck good the bucket anyways I digress in 1977 107,000 jerk-offs packed into New Jersey's Raceway Park to catch the dead show

Straight bested that number on Saturday by nearly 4,000 tickets according to billboard mama mia I had 850 people in Jersey prior to to the show, he sent out a message on X and encouraged his fans to arrive early and stay hydrated because I think that means drink. That's how they'll take it, which is the last thing you wanna do to stay hydrated, alcohol, to stay hydrated because they were in for a real treat.

This bud's for you. Texas Governor Greg Abbott was so happy, he was doing donuts in the parking lot. There he is. I like these money guys, don't you, like your hat. Texas Governor Abbott was,

we gotta stand up for Abbott since he can't, but I mean, he's fucking doing a good job of the creeps coming at the Texas. He was in the crowd to see Strait debut two new songs songs M.I.A. and M.I.A. I guess that means missing an action in Miami. Is that what that means? Yeah and the little things song about Greg Abbott's dick from his upcoming album Cowboys and Wet Dreamers. Strait is the number one listen to these listen to these numbers Strait has its dick from his upcoming album Cowboys and Wet Dreamers. Strait is the number one, listen to these numbers.

Strait has the most number one singles of any artist in any music genre. He holds the artist to chart a top ten hit every, that sentence makes no fucking sense, fuck you people. To chart a top ten hit every 30 years. 430, 430 years. people to chart a top ten hit every thirty years four thirty four thirty years top ten hit thirty years in a row in addition straight has achieved the most number one albums in the history of country

music which includes twenty of his sixty number one hits he's had sixty number one hits his records don't stop there he He sold more than 120 million records. That's more than Roger Whitaker. Roger Whitaker is a ship lying ready in the harbor. And Slim Whitman. Remember him? And Robert Goulet. And Goulet. Goulet oh boy Massachusetts guy by the way he sold more than 120 million records worldwide earning the status of one of the best

selling music artists of all freaking time he was the best guy around he's still around that's why you gotta love him he's in good shape he's out hundred and ten that can't be just old people his age. He's an authentic, you know what I mean? I gotta look into that, I really do. Speaking of, well before I move along, for those of you guys at Mug Club, stick around for the rest of the second half of my show.

Everyone else go to nickdip.com and join to get my full show, the great Steven Crowder's full show, and a whole lot more. And while you're there at nickdip.com, click on the tour dates. As I'm bringing some dates up, I'll be starting to get busy as we head into August. August 9th, the Jacksonville Center for the Performing Arts. I'll be at the Terry Theater. That's August 9th. The very next night, excuse me, August 10th at the Gas South Theater in Duluth, Georgia. I'm told it's not far from Atlanta. I hope I don't get stabbed in the ass.

So I hope to see you guys out there. I'm excited, man. After the Jersey gig and having that crowd like that, please come out and support the original gangster of getting canceled. Anyways.