The Nick DiPaolo Show - Jim Florentine | Nick Di Paolo Show #1536

Episode Date: March 5, 2024

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo interviews comedian Jim Florentine! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 It's an off-colored remark. It was highly inappropriate. Welcome to the show. What is it, a Tuesday? It's a filthy Tuesday. Got a great uh guest today for you you guys know this guy from he's been around he's a funny son of a gun or a bitch i should say from new jersey uh a real jersey guy he's a guy's guy you know his voice from crank anchors uh he's a semi-regular panelist on Gutfeld's show now.

He's got a podcast called Everybody is Awful. Even wrote a book a few years ago. Please welcome back to the show, my good friend and a funny guy, Jimmy Florentine. Hey. It's always good to see you, Nick. What's going on, man? Listen to that voice. How is he not, how are you not like the fucking Casey Kasem of our generation? Because I'm waiting for Morgan Freeman to die.

He does all the voiceovers. I know. It's good to see. He does all the voiceovers. I know. It's good to see they're giving him a shot, huh? Jesus Christ. Yeah, I know. Yeah, he could only, yeah. I guess he needs the money. Yeah.

For Christ's sake, he's still picking up residuals from Shawshank. Fucking prison in Maine with fucking black guys in it. Who would have believed in 1940? Anyways, Jimmy, first of all, keep the beard. I've never seen a guy who looks better in a goddamn beard. You never had that before, did you? Never. I never had a beard.

Yeah, I grew up like seven, eight months ago. I just figured I'd keep it. And what's been the response from the whores? I mean, the women. Yeah, I've been dating some chicks, so it's been good. Not her. Yeah, no, the women seem to like it better but you know my audience is getting older so i don't want to fuck them anyway so isn't it unbelievable jimmy when we started out man you could come off stage you could have your pick of the fucking litter now they come up to me the hot girl comes up and goes, my parents love you. I know, always.

It's a lot less temptation on the road, which is, you know. Yes. Because there's nothing to pick from. I actually miss having chlamydia. My wife goes, you never bring me home anything from the road. What are you talking about? Those little soaps, chlamydia, crabs. For Christ's sake.

Jimmy, let's talk about first. We'll talk about the current situation where you were booked in Seattle. And Jimmy has the same manager as me and a few other comics do. And, of course, Seattle, the venue wrote a faggy letter and, you know, nine pages trying to say we're not pussies, but you're too rough for us. And explain to us what happened. And since then, if I'm not mistaken, another club stepped up for you in Seattle or no? Did I read that wrong? Yeah.

Yeah. You know, we all got booked. And me, Dave Smith, Luis J. Gomez, and Kurt Metzger. Right. And I'm like, yeah, I haven't been to Seattle since before the pandemic. I'm like, oh, maybe things have changed up there. All right. And, you know, two weeks later, after tickets go on sale, people are buying tickets.

You know, we're selling. All of a sudden, we get this email going, look, you know, we check with the community. And this is our progressive values here at the club. We just can't have this comedy at our club. We talked to local people, comedians and everything else and we decided we're going to have to cancel all 40s guys. Were you

guys working all together or they were separate gigs? It was all separate weekends. Oh my God, that's even worse. Really? Yeah, my date wasn't until even worse. Really? Yeah. My date wasn't until, like, September. You know, when I found out, I laughed.

I laughed. I'm like, whatever. Okay. No big deal. You know, and then the story just caught fire. But as soon as that happened and a couple little stories got out there, all these clubs and venues were like, dude, we'll have you. We'll book you. We'll book you.

And the Tacoma Comedy Club, which is 20 minutes outside of Seattle. It's basically in the suburbs said, dude, we'll take all of those guys. So I'm booked there the same weekend. I was, I was canceled. How about the other guys? Yeah. Um, I don't know yet if they're getting booked there, but they said, we're taking all four of us. I just know I'm booked that same weekend. It's like, no problem. Come here. Tacoma is different. We're in the suburbs. We don't know yet if they're getting booked there but they said we're taking all four of us i just know i'm booked that same weekend it's like no problem come here tacoma is different we're in the suburbs we don't we don't buy into that bullshit and we'll book anybody so it worked out perfect the vancouver club wants me i'm getting offers from all over the place that's the beauty of um that's i know jimmy still has a workout. I wouldn't fly to Seattle if they were going to give me 40 grand tonight to do 20 minutes. I remember, specifically remember like 15 years ago, you told your agent, I think Tommy at the same time,

I'm not flying anywhere past Chicago. That's right. That's as far as I'm going. I'm a fucking, I'm a diva. I thought that was so funny. No, I don't blame you. It's a pain in the ass. I don't go out that west that much anymore.

I haven't been to Seattle in a long time. But once in a while, you hit those markets. Like, I might as well just do it. Yeah, you got to touch them once. Tommy sent me, like, to Arizona a couple times. But the club I liked so much, I didn't mind doing that. But, yes, we're talking to the great Jimmy Florentine. I did draw a line and we've extended

it to Dallas, which is another, because I have to go there for a crowded show. It's contractual. I fly out there once a month. I used to do a couple, actually a couple of days while I'm out there. And yeah, I admire you guys when I hear that you're doing these Seattle gigs. And last time I did a Seattle gig was at Giggles. I got in a fight, a fist fight with a guy in the audience. And I think I've told this story many times. But they threw him out. He came back in like 10 minutes later.

I'm on stage, and he threw a glass at my head. Threw it like a fucking Western movie, like a saloon fight. I duck, and it smashes behind me, and all hell breaks loose breaks loose and a group of guys this is after me and him traded punches a group of my fans chased him out when he came back in and they chased he ran into a fire hydrant or some type of stump thing and fractured his femur and went into shock in the ambulance and almost fucking died. Really? Yeah, so big props to my fans.

I remember another time I saw you and your hand was in a sling or something. You had a can. I go, what have you? I punched some heckler the other night. Only two. I'm not proud of it. That's not what comedy is about. But I think both times I broke my hand in the Seattle fight. I always land the good one on the head, but it's always on the head.

I have glass hands. And this kid's, his fat girlfriend started yapping up front, and I told her to be quiet. Then he got in my face, and I actually reached down and kind of, like I would my brother, whatever. So anyways, he's on the radio like a few months later with a lawyer trying to find people

that were at the show trying to blame me for this thing and sue me and everybody that's calling into the radio station said,

you fucking started it, dude. Even the cops knew who I was. It was so, this is when I had a few specials on Comedy Central.

Even the cops come in and fucking, they go, oh, it's DiPaolo or whatever the fuck. It was so great they go, oh, it's DiPaolo or whatever the fuck. It was so great. And this kid had, he had a prior disturbing the peace or whatever the fuck. But long story short, I do my podcast or whatever it was called back then. And he kept

coming up in the chat room, Northwest Madman or some shit. Then we ended up kind of chatting back and forth and kind of like being friends. You know, I go, look, you were wrong. I was wrong. Fucking, you know, whatever. And he started sending me, he's got a daughter. He sent me a picture of it. Like, you know, we ended up, that's what guys do. At least white guys, you know, they don't, they don't fucking hold grudges for the next 20 years.

That same club, I remember doing Giggle back in the day. I did one show and the club owner goes, listen, if you do that same act the second show the rest of the weekend, I'm sending you home. I go, well, I'm doing the same act, so I'll go home right now. I don't care. And he's like, you know, and they came back.

He goes, are you serious? I go, yeah, this is what I do. I already sold tickets. You know, the room's going to be three quarters full the next few shows. It's up to you because I'll go home. I don't give a fuck. And he let me do the whole weekend and then of course i never always book

back there but i'm fucking so i've always done rock clubs when i've been up to seattle yeah because they don't care that's right so this is my first time back in a comedy club probably in like 15 years up there or 20 yeah i yeah i i think that was my last i don't know how many over 20 years ago um we're talking to jimmy floreine, if you couldn't tell by the voice. You'd recognize it from Crank Yankers. And I hear you doing those bits on the radio even now. Your phone call, telemarketer calls and shit. I hear it on comedy, the comedy channels.

And I get nervous. I don't know how you fucking do it. You are so good at keeping guys on the phone. And it teaches what you people should learn from that is how stupid the average person is if anybody talked to me the way you did 30 seconds into the call i go go fuck your mother you keep them on the i'm good at that i you know because first of all i don't see them face to face so it's a lot easier not to break character i'm on the phone and just i have a knack i'm still doing it i put an album out like a year and a half ago i'm still doing

prank calls with telemarketers calling me i just wait for the phone to ring i got it hooked up and recorded right now i just i i got a good call yesterday i'll probably release it like another six months what was that one tell us a little bit about can you tell us a little about what what was he selling he was was, I don't know what he was selling, but I just kept repeating. I'm like, I can't hear you. And he kept going back and forth. I'm like, I still can't hear you. And he's like, are you deaf? And I'm like, what are you deaf? I'm like, yeah, I am. Is there a problem with that? He said, no, no, no. And then I wore him right back in. I can't hear you. I can't hear you. So I think it's going to be a call. I don't know.

But, you know, I still been doing it. But it's everyone hates telemarketers. I always knew that. And it's so I, you know, I got a big advantage. But I just play like, hey, I'm just trying to get the information. I'm sorry if I'm being an asshole. I don't know. I know you do it.

So let's be a great fucking actor. Hey, boys and girls. In the second half of the show, guess what? I'll still be talking to Jimmy Florentine when we get into some stuff that I get into and stuff that happened to me in Texas and stuff that's happened to him in clubs and what the temperature

of the club is as far as politics goes and all that. That's exclusively on Mug Club. So how do you join Mug Club? You go to nickdip.com. That's how you do it. All right?

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Thank you guys so much. See you soon. Because you do it so... And I was a telemarketer when I first got out of college. I was working for New England rare coin galleries. I had to wear a suit and tie.

Picture Charlie Sheen in Wall Street. I had to report on the 30th floor in Boston to this skyscraper trying to sell $50,000 and $60,000 coins over the phone. Can you fucking imagine how hard that is? I'd be on the phone.

Can you imagine if I called? You would have had a field day with me. One guy goes... What did he say? The thing is I don't curse or tell him I don't on the phone and imagine if I called you, you would have had a field day with me. One guy goes, go ahead. What do you say? What, what the thing is, I don't curse or tell them I don't want the product. So they're just,

they're happy to go. Holy shit. This guy's weird, but I might get a sale. So I'm going to stay on. No, you're right. That's exactly right.

It would be excited if a guy didn't just hang up or say, not interested. Oh, we're eating dinner. All those fucking objections. And if they start to talk to you, of course, one guy lured me in. I'll still remember this guy because I didn't have any. Yeah, I went to school for marketing shit.

I was terrible in finance and business and all this shit. I just happened to know somebody that got me in there. And this one guy sort of toyed with me. He goes, yeah, what do you got there? I start telling you a double eagle, blah, blah, blah. It was minted. What the fuck? And then he starts going,

now where would that form my portfolio, my 401k? He starts throwing all this technical shit at me. And I literally go, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. That's great. And he just, I love this guy. He goes, yeah, I could tell that

from right from the beginning. He goes, yeah, I could tell that right from the beginning. He goes, I'm just going to fucking, I'm going to end this call now. Are you all right? I go, yeah, please. I fucking, I knew nothing. And I knew it was a difficult sale because I was working with these guys who got me the job. I work with them at the steak and seafood place. I used to sell frozen food out of the back of a pickup truck.

And they were great salesmen. This guy had a voice like you, Phil Toll. He was a four-pack-a-day guy, fucking 10 martinis at lunch. He would scare people, would fucking send them money just because of his voice. And he was there for a year and sold like two coins, which was good. I mean, because you make a huge, but I said after about seven. So listen to this, Jimmy. I'm getting off track a little.

But so then that was like a summer job. I had to go back to college. But right before I went back to college, I'm watching the local news in Boston. And my boss is being let out with handcuffs by the feds from the rare coin company. What, because of some shady boiler room operation? Yes. I think. It was some of the coins were bogus and what the fuck.

Which kind of, I kind of admired him. I don't know why. Because he looked like a million bucks. It was right out of a movie. I go, holy shit. I could have got busted. Literally in cuffs and shit. Fucking crazy.

But like I said, a voice like yours, this guy Phil Toll was just, I mean, people would just like fucking be scared and send the money. I want to go back to the thing about Seattle. Sorry, I got off track. I'm like Bill Cosby. I know, I think Kurt, they sent the letter out, that fucking letter. We talked to the community, blah, blah, blah. And they contradict themselves, these assholes. Oh, we're all for free speech and

artistic and tech all that shit and they're lying right to your face and then uh i guess kurt metzger posted that online did you hear about that and it caused yeah i posted the same email we all got the same oh you did yeah yeah and yeah and they said they also said yeah we we you know we respect artistic freedom and all this and hopefully we can hopefully we can work with you in the future we could get together why why would i fuck would i work with you and you don't respect it because first of all all of us have followings so all of our fans would have been coming to that club so when you're not getting people off the street local seattle people they'll look us up go that's not our style of comedy they're not going to come to the club so you're going to get people that never been there before that's right

that's what that's why they're assholes they they they're telling other people not to go that might not even know you you know i mean yeah and they wouldn't have came anyway and i also heard from local seattle comics or dm and me saying that they censor all the comics. Like there's certain words you can't say on stage. They'll shut the mic off on you. They won't have you back. So they're like monitoring you up there. So I would have got canned 20 minutes into my set.

They would have sent me home. If that happened to me, what I do, I go back to the hotel and I stuff all the towels, all the towels in the toilets and I flush them and I clogged the fucking drain in the tub. You turn all the water on. Who did that? Remember? Somebody did that. Some comic did that and flooded the, I don't think it was Kevin Meaney.

Somebody did it. They got fired from a club. Well, me and Bob Levy did that in Florida. This club short, they short changed us. So we went back to the hotel and we started I started making we're there for the rest of the day I started making long distance calls when long distance calls like 90 cents a minute I was calling all my friends from New Jersey I left the phone off the hook I called my friend New Jersey I'll just leave your phone off the hook

I'm gonna leave it off the hook overnight and keep it on. Just to fuck them. Because they were paying for the hotel room. Oh my god. Yeah that's what comedians do. Like Led Zeppelin would burn the room down. And fucking throw a baby out the window on acid. But us comedians clog toilets. I'm on. I always bring this up when I'm talking to you.

But it was one of my favorite moments of you. We were doing something with Artie Lang and Stuttering John in Pittsburgh or whatever the fuck, wherever we were. And the fucking gig ends and there was a dance floor after and all these kids go out to the dance floor. So I stick my head in and I see fucking like smoke

and I see people running out. I thought there was a fire. Fucking Jimmy's over in the corner snickering. I go, what the fuck happened? He goes, I threw a stink bomb on the fucking can. Well, no, what happened was- What did you do? It was fat girls?

It was a bachelorette party and they were at the comedy show and they had like another room next door after the show and they were all over there doing karaoke. They originally ruined the show because they kept talking for a long time. That's right. so they went over there to sing karaoke and i had those stink bombs those little glass ones you step on it smells like rotten eggs i carry with me all the time and i dropped them on the dance i just ruined their whole night because it reeks of rotten eggs

and then i went up there later i don't know if he was still there and i just ruined karaoke i was just singing it really bad just to bother people I thought that was karaoke was singing but let me ask you something and this isn't I laugh because I go Jimmy fucking how old are you where did you get those glass stink bombs I was fucking crying when you were telling me about this you get them at like a like a gag gift store like a Spencer's or you get them at a firework store. They'll sell them. I always used to have them. It's just so weird. I know it is. Me and Norton used to do it all the time.

Like we're on a road and there'd be a dance club or whatever. And we'd just go there. He'd be on one end of the dance floor. I'd be on the other. We were like terrorists. And we'd drop them at the same time and just watch. Just watch their whole dance floor just scatter. Yeah, well, Norton doesn't need stink bombs.

You know how many times I was in the elevator with him and the fucking, at wherever, at Fox building something. I mean, a crowded elevator, Dallas. And Norton would cut the worst part and then just get off at the next floor. I know. And turn around and look at the full elevator and fucking laugh.

Well, Nick, you were on that plane that time when me and Stutter John were farting. Oh. So bad that they were going to land the plane. They did. They fucking threatened him and Stutter and John. You keep it up. We're landing the fucking. I almost threw up.

We're landing the plane. You were so mad. You're like, I don't fucking need this. I was so embarrassed. Yeah. Like, what am I? There was like 30 people on a 50-seater plane. And there was like, at one point,

there was like nine arms in the air reaching for the air like this. That's what we are. We are children. Comedians, I don't care who it is, whether it's Norm MacDonald, Dave Attell, whoever you're talking about. We have that inner child that has to fucking.

I mean, that's how we deal with life. It's you can't fucking take it. But that shit, that shit was so juvenile that it would make me fucking laugh so goddamn. And they would sit there with a straight face, him and stuttering John and just argue with the flight attendant. I didn't do anything. straight face, him and Stutter and John, and just argue with the flight attendant. I didn't do anything.

We really should have had him land the plane. What a story. What a story would have been on Good Morning America. It's something I could have told my grandkids that we landed a plane. Speak to them. Because we held them in the rest of the flight. She said, one more and we're going to land the plane. I already told the captain.

And me and John decided, let's just hold them in to the end of the flight. She said, one more, we're going to land the plane. I already told the captain. That's right. And me and John decided, let's just hold them in to the end of the flight. Oh, anything worse. And we really should have landed it. Anything worse than a stuttering John fart? He's fucking living on fucking Heinekens and weed and fucking, oh God, bacon sandwiches and shit. Hey, for those of you guys on Mug Club, stick around for the second half of this show. Everyone else, by the way, I'll be talking to Jimmy Florentine for the second half.

Everyone else, go to nickdip.com and join to get my full show, The Great Stephen Crowder's full show, and a whole lot more. And also, you can click the tour button. Right now, there's a May 11th date up there, Red Bank, New Jersey, but there's going to be more.

So anyways, back to jimmy florentine i won't take all that they hand me down and make out I smile though I wear a frown And I'm not gonna take it all lying down Cause once I get started I go to town Cause I'm not like everybody else, no, no I'm not like everybody else And I don't wanna get a job like everybody else Cause I'm not like everybody else

I see you singing, what are you? I'm not like everybody else