The Nick DiPaolo Show - Joe List | Nick Di Paolo Show #1393

Episode Date: May 4, 2023

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo interviews comedian, Joe List! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://NickDiPaoloShow.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 May fuck you and your bone spurs! Take it easy. Excuse me. How are you? Welcome to the big show, folks. Good to be with you on whatever day it is in whatever city. I'm really excited. Look at my tits. You know, you know how it goes. I'm jacked up on coffee.

You know you want crazy motherfucking WAP. Trust you, you dirty hole. All right. I am excited today because let me tell you something. There's a few comics out there. I shouldn't be seeing him right now, should I? I don't know how it's done Dallas is the magic I'm excited because

I call him a protege of mine I take credit for it, I should stop bragging I found this comedian who back in the day the comedy seller Colin Quinn, Patrice, Giraldo me, Norton when tough crowd ruled excuse me I have some type of AIDS in my chest.

When Tough Crowd ruled, people said that was like the heyday of the comedy. Well, there's a new generation out there. And this guy's one that I put into that mix of outstanding comics. Not only is he a great comedian, he acts, he does everything. Tap dance. A little bit of, you know, a pickle acts. He does everything. Tap dance. A little bit of a pickleball. This is him. I didn't know he could act.

This is him in a movie that him and Louis C.K. wrote called The Guys Get Great Acting Chomps. It was tremendous. Fourth of July. Take a look. This thing again where I thought I ran over a guy. Did you run over a guy? No. I was on the phone, which I know is bad. I shouldn't have done that. Who were you on the phone with?

My mother. You coming up on what? Two and a half years? Three in November. Listen, you show up late, I haven't heard from you, you're teetering. Either lean forward, take the next step, or lean back, fall down a flight of stairs. When do I get to that point? Well, I've been sober about three years. No, I'm talking about the point where I'm speaking in bumper stickers.

I'm going to Maine on Tuesday. I'm going alone. I have to go and confront my parents and say all this shit that's been destroying me. I have to go say it. It's time. All right it sounds good going home sober always tough the folks will push your buttons how they can install them hey needle dick oh you want i kill in this bottle tonight kid i don't drink

smell that all right it's As long as I'm in there. Please welcome Joe List. Joey, what are you, growing a beard? No, without the beard, it's him. Joe is like most comics, stuck in Goodfellas and The Godfathers. I'm stuck in Porky's 3. I don't know why that movie really touched my funny. No, you know, I go days without shaving. Well, I got bad teeth and a horrible jawline

and a big forehead and herpes, so I gotta have something to distract the girls, the kids. First of all, I didn't know. You look like one of those guys right now that you'd have to shave twice a day. No, this is like six months. Oh, alright.

I haven't shaved since the movie premiere. Are you gonna grow that out and look like an Orthodox Jew Oh, all right. I haven't shaved since the movie premiere. Are you going to grow that out and look like an Orthodox Jew? Uh-oh. Sound? Are you there? Yeah, can you not hear me? I'm dying over here. I saw you laughing, but I couldn't. That's all right. Anyhow,

yeah, so boy, did we have fun making that goddamn movie or what? What was that, 12 years ago already? It was the best. 12 years a slave. It was the best time of my life. It was the happiest I've ever been. Because every night we went back to the house and sat around a campfire telling you, me, Tony V, and Louie just telling stand-up comedy stories. was uh i don't i don't i'm not good with words that i remembered as he's like what a gift that

we can sit here for two weeks straight telling stories all night not repeating one just because the amount of completely psychotic people we know from doing comedy well yeah that and and and the average age of the comics was 71 we have fucking we could write three books each, especially me and Tony. But that's true. Tony's today is turning 70 today. You've got to be shitting me. No. Isn't that weird I just said that?

That's kind of creepy. Hey, welcome to what's that black chick, that fucking hotline you call to get your predictions? Whatever. Jackie Joyner-Kersee? Yeah, that whore. Jackie Joyner-Kersee? Yeah, that whore. Jackie Joyner-Kersee. Is that what she's doing now? No, you said black chick.

That was the first one that came to mind. Somebody that was famous 21 years ago. I was going to say Ella Fitzgerald. Yeah, he's right, though. Tony was absolutely right. We sat around at camp. That's funner than doing the actual movie and shit. Yeah, we had a blast. Then we rented a van. Louie rented a van. I rented the van. Oh, Joe rented. I forgot he was making this kind of money on this shoot. It was like $1,500.

See that? But when I knew him, he didn't have $1,500. No, you could have helped me out, frankly. I gave you a couple gigs What was that That had to be a good $1200 After 45 gigs What What the fuck I was going to ask you

How long have you been Clean and sober This is another thing That impressed the hell out of me Above Joe List How long When's the last time You had a drink Joe

Don't say this morning Or I'm going to shut the show down I am drinking a liquid death That looks like a big tall boy. Liquid death. Oh, yeah. You've got to get a sponsorship, dude. Oh, is that you sponsoring that? They're sponsoring you?

No, I actually just like it. We had a sponsor for like 10 minutes. I do have a sponsor. It's the Klan. Can you see this mug? Nickerich. It's been 10 years, over 10 years, almost 10 and a half years. December 28th, 2012 was the last time I drank.

December 28th, 2012. I got to make sure. Oh, geez, it's over 10 years. I want to be there for the 10th one and slip some rum in your Coke and see what happens. Just to fucking go. Remember this? Maybe Lucky 13.

We're talking to the great comedian Joe List. And I'll get to the comedy shit in a minute. What's it like to, I mean, something you literally were addicted to? I don't understand. It's like somebody telling me to quit jerking off tomorrow. I would be dead. Yeah, I quit that, that too that's been six years um i exclusively come into men's asses that explains the cold

no i don't know it's yeah it's it's it's weird but uh i don't know you do it a you know a day at a time and all that stuff. It's true, right? All my success has come from I stopped drinking. I mean, my life now compared to my life then is just, it's a lot better now. I witnessed it. I witnessed it. I've never known anybody that close, being that close to somebody to witness the difference. I would come off stage. I probably already told these stories when you and I talked the first time. But I would come off stage when I'm a probably already told these stories when you and I talked the first time But I would come off Joe Joe would do a set I'd then I go up do my come off stage and he would be like

Fucking literally, you know Fucking shirt off wrestling the owner of the club Thrown haymakers at an old lady in the front row I mean just fucking and I couldn't believe it because he's a meek kind of a nibbish guy and it just shows some shit some people well and you know this Colin Quinn said it's not how much you drink it's what it does to you when you drink like my wife

she has a glass of wine I want to cut her fucking head off she's such a fucking witch she just makes her cuckoo is that wine wait a minute is that wine is that wine or milk? I'm in the middle of a deep dive back into the OJ trial. I'm obsessed with it.

But that's neither here nor there. Wait a minute. Excuse me. Why? That's fascinating, you know. Yeah, well, it was the trial of the century. But anyways, there was a new podcast where kim goldman interviews like the jury members and stuff you gotta hear it it's it's wild oh no she's not taking she's not exploiting her fucking

brother's decapitation is she for a podcast uh maybe but it's interesting i'm glad she is if she is but it's a fascinating listen but anyways yeah so um what's the name of the show? Nicole Sunglasses? That's the name of the band. Go ahead, sorry. No, it was... Yeah, I remember I wasted so much time. It frustrates me because I was on the road with you for so many years. And I remember...

I probably told this story, too. I remember sitting in the condo in Applebee's. What's that place called? Appleton, Wisconsin, where David Ortiz met his wife, by the way, but go ahead. Yes, yes, a real minor league wife, if you know what I mean. That's right. Clearly met her before he was in the bigs.

Yeah, she was single A, no doubt. That's her cup size. Go ahead. I remember watching you, and you were like writing and listening to sets, and I had a Miller Lite or whatever. And I was like, what's he doing in there? I was like, oh, I should have been doing that the whole time. Was I really?

Yeah, yeah. I think because I think you being in a condo made you really crank up your work a little bit. That's true. No, he's got a good point there because you put me in a hotel. I'm trying to fuck all the maids. I don't do anything. No, that's right. And here there, because you put me in a hotel. I'm trying to fuck all the maids. I don't do anything. No, that's right. And here's the other thing I remember about it.

A couple more things about that. We're in a little shitty condo, Appleton, Wisconsin. And I watched Joe eat a box of mac and cheese that could have fed half of fucking Nigeria. And he just, it says family of 19 on the box. And he fucking inhaled that like it was the body of Christ. I'd never seen anything like it. No, I want to sue my parents for the way they raised me. I ate nothing but boxes of mac and cheese, Burger King, and Yodels.

And I went to the doctor for the first time in 25 years. And they were like, your cholesterol is 587. It's bad. Oh, my God. Do you have high cholesterol? Because I do, but it runs in my family. Mine was, I think we talked about this on the phone, mine was like 256 or something.

That ain't, that's not. Is that crazy? No, that is not crazy. As a matter of fact, Joe, that's what mine's been like my whole life. And even my doctor said, and again, it's about making money selling pills you know i mean um if if you're around 300 now they go yeah that's a little high but remember letterman used

to always say letterman's was it letterman said his was like four and he wasn't kidding like 450 and then he goes maybe it's because when i'm driving it to work i eat frozen sticks of butter no my time but i i eat you know i'm trying to be better i eat a brownie every day at starbucks and then uh you know my wife out and it's a lot of at the same time and pasta and cheese you still yeah i just lost you can't really tell but i just nine pounds. I've never lost nine pounds as an adult in my life. I saw myself. I finally have, you know what, people, social media guys that know what they're doing, and they're putting clips up of me on stage. And I saw a couple, and I went, who the fuck?

It looked like Panette. I'm like, what? What is that? I mean, and I'm not, everybody says it's a cliche, but I look like the before picture of guys my age. I was like this wide. And then I was jerking off in the guest bedroom. It's true. And there's a mirror right here, and I'm sitting on the bed.

I must have been this, I look like, you're not a soprano guy. When Johnny Sack changed into his suit, he was in a cell, somebody brought him a suit, and he was standing in his boxer shorts. That's Vince Curtola, who's been on the show before. And he had the body of a 60-something-year-old guy. I saw that, and it scared the shit out of me.

Then I saw Bobby Kelly. I went on his thing. I don't think Bobby likes me. We can talk about that, too. And he looked great. When did he lose all that weight? He's ripped. When we premiered the movie.

What? When we premiered the movie. It was then. He got the super surgery. No, he was fat then. Oh, right after. Because I was making fat jokes. Was he already stapled at that point? I think the night of the premiere he had just had it done like a few days earlier. Oh, because I made a fat joke.

I wonder why he doesn't like me. But now he's like, he got the surgery, but now he's like going to the gym. We went to the gym together in Austin. He's like pumping iron. He's solid. He's like a tough guy again. He always was. Fuck it.

He's solid. I don't mean, I mean, even when he... Anyways, shredded. Yeah, he looks great. They posted a photo of him at Moon Tower, and every comment was like, what the fuck? This guy's sexy and hot. Oh, that's not too far.

Blew him. Yeah, Joe blew him. That's how he got into the festival. No. He looks great. Yeah, and I'm happy. We'll talk about i i don't know i don't think he likes me anyways i don't give a fuck but the point apparently do i'm bringing it up but i was worried about bobby i seriously i thought we were going to get a call like we did about patrice because he was that heavy right right yeah he's all he's all better now he's all souped up and doing the town that's

when people died all right after they lose the 100 pounds now you gotta worry about me my blood pressure and cholesterol is through the roof first of all 250 something is not trust me trust me that my dad was around 300 his whole life okay died at a real young age 51 no he he was fine um what's your all of a sudden blood pressure that's another thing mine's been 120 over 80 my whole life it's like right on the money last couple years 196 over 130 i'm like what the fuck is this and then they said you might maybe have white coat syndrome. You know what that is? Yeah, that's what I have.

I believe it because you're kind of a nervous type of dude. And my blood pressure goes up. If the girl take it, it's under 150 pounds. So white. Well, I have that. But then I started taking it home, too. I'm taking my blood pressure every 12 minutes. What is it?

It's still like, it'll be like 135 over 85, something like that. Now, okay, again, that's not through the roof. That's not, you know. In the doctor's office, it was like 155 over 90 or something. That's what I've been getting lately. I feel like we're doing fucking... Dr. Oz. Yeah, Dr. Oz.

Thank you. I know. This is a laugh a minute. I know. And then my mother had ass cancer from drinking liquid death. She loved that shit. I keep reaching for a mug that's empty.

Okay, let's talk a little show business. First of all, you're going to be at one of my favorite haunts, Sidesplitters in Tampa this weekend. Yes, I'm there this weekend, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Friday, Saturday, almost sold out. Saturday, late show. Friday, late show. Not almost sold out.

So come on out. By the way, I that's i worked there with you back in 06 i think yes i think i brought 11 openers i've been going to that place forever for barbie joe would never book me like the first i don't know 20 years of my career because he never wanted to pay good money he's a good businessman and we always ask too much and then finally he books me and we become like asshole buddies because he's just the funniest fucking crazy. He doesn't own it anymore. He's one of my favorite people I ever

met. He's fucking crazy. Do you know he banged Barbara Eden when she was young? Wow. I did not know who she is. He was... I dream a genie. Oh, wow. I do too. Yeah. That's impressive. Fucking guys on. See do too. Yeah, that's impressive.

Fucking guy's on. See, you get rid of the old duels of the Pepsi light. Yes. No, remember we went to Hooters with him? We went to his house. We had steaks and a house together one time. Yes. Yes, we did. He's a fucking great guy.

Now he lives in a trailer in upstate New York. Like he chose to. Oof. I don't know why. But that's so funny you say that, because I was at his house once, and I was going through some tough times that I created, and I'm asking him for advice. And I'll never forget this vigil. He's giving me advice as he's in a New York Yankees robe, as he's in a New York Yankees robe taking chocolate chip cookies he made out of the oven. And sandals.

And I go, I'm asking you about my future? By himself in a big empty house. Just the best guy. I fucking love him. So you go see Joe. At Joe List Comedy, obviously his Twitter handle. Go see him. So you go see Joe at JoeListComedy, obviously his Twitter handle. Go see him. I'm serious.

I have a handful. I still call you a young comic. I don't know why. But I put you like a generation or two after me. You want that space. I'm 61. But to me, you, Mark Norman, Sam Murill, I don't know where you put DeRosa, in your class or not.

When I hear him on the radio, he makes me laugh my balls. But you, Murrell, and Mark Norman, and obviously I'm forgetting a few guys. But I think you guys are carrying the torch. Who? Shane Gillis. Shane Gillis? Really? You don't know Shane's stuff?

Oh, man, Shane's great. I always hear him on Rogan and shit, and I'm waiting for him to make me laugh. Well, his stand-up's amazing. Is it really? It probably is. No, because I know he's politically incorrect. I only hear him on Rogan and shit. I'm sure he's...

I like the way he handled his career. I know he's not afraid of the truth, right? Yeah, no, he's awesome. Give him a good sniff. He's a killer. I want to laugh. Yeah, I'm better than all of them, if that's what you're saying.

I'm telling you, Joe has, yeah, I watch your specials and shit, and I'm like, mother of God. And you got so polished from a fall-down drunk. I remember seeing you like on Conan, and you're in a suit. I never saw him in anything else but a fucking Ozzy Osbourne T-shirt with shit stains on it and shorts. And then all of a sudden, he's wearing like a fucking Armani suit on Conan with fucking $12,000 shoes. And I'm like, look how polished.

Seriously, it blew me the fuck away. Well, I told you when I did Letterman, which you came to, maybe I told you this before, but I went and bought a suit because I was like, you got to buy a suit. So I bought a J.Crew suit. It was like $1,000,

which was 100% of my money. and then i was talking to uh ryan hamilton and gary gallman great guys great comics yeah and i go yeah they go what are you wearing for shoes and i go i don't know i got uh these shoes and i had like you know sears whatever and they're like you can't wear a thousand dollar shoe a suit with those shoes so they took me to alan edmonds and bought me like a 400 pair pair of shoes. I felt like fucking Henry Hill. I was like, aren't they great? Guys, in the second half of the show, me and Joe will talk about a hell gig

that we did in Albany, New York years ago and why both of us hate selling merchandise and sometimes we don't do it after the show and a few other funny stories. It's exclusively on Mug Club, so join now to get it at nickdapaloshow.com. guitar solo Outro Music