The Nick DiPaolo Show - K.P. Burke | Nick Di Paolo Show #1682

Episode Date: January 22, 2025

In this episode Nick interviews comedian K.P. Burke! To watch FULL EPISODES and get ALL RUMBLE PREMIUM content AD FREE, join by clicking the red RUMBLE PREMIUM button – enter Promo Code MUGCLUB and get $10 off an annual subscription! https://rumble.com/c/TheNickDiPaoloShow/exclusive MERCH - https://shop.nickdip.com/ TOUR DATES AND MORE - https://nickdip.com 2/20/2025 - Bricktown Comedy Club – Tulsa, OK 2/21/2025 - Funny Bone Westport, St. Louis, MO 3/13/2025 - Hyena’s, Albuquerque, NM 4/25/2025 - Cohoes Music Hall, Cohoes, NY 5/15-16/2025 - Zanies, Rosemont, IL SOCIALS - https://bio.site/nickdipaolo

Music playing What about death Charlie? What about it? I told you I'm already dead. Hello folks. Got a great interview today with a very funny comic. He opened a few years ago in Pennsylvania. You can just tell. I can tell from one joke whether a guy is good or not. He's a Navy vet and just a good guy. He has a book called History Isn't boring your teacher was in a special called the last recital.

He has a quick clip, very quick. He's really fine but this is just a quick clip from the special. That's what I knew because Carly gives me a couple things I've never had in my life. She gives me confidence, she loves me unconditionally, She's a squirter. It's there too. All right. You ever want to know why we're always getting rid of couches? That's why. He's got a joke about COVID. You'll see during the interview that was just, I mean, as good a joke as I've heard. Not just about COVID either. My guest today, a very funny comedian. He's a Navy veteran. He's from New Jersey. I worked with him a couple years ago. He ripped the tits off the crowd, he's a good guy, he thinks like that, most of all he's funny as hell. He's got a book out called History Isn't Boring Your Teacher

Was. That's exactly right. And I've read a couple, look it, this is a perfect book for me, look it, it's about an eighth of an inch thick. And it's fucking funny and it's filled with a bunch of shit. History wise I had no idea. And he's got funny and it's filled with a bunch of shit history-wise. I had no idea and He's got a special out there if you if you you know Google KP Burke or whatever It's a good plug, huh? And it's called the last recital and we'll show a clip of it and we'll drop it in in post But please welcome a very funny dude my friend KP Burke

Hey, it is great to see you Nick. How are you man? I'm good. You look like a Navy veteran I gotta tell you. It's the absence of a neck I think that's what does it. Holy shit that is he does he looks like a coke machine with a head on it. Holy Christ I didn't realize did you play football KP? No I was a wrestler. Did you play football, KP? No, I was a wrestler. Oh, there you go. Even more dangerous. Not enough height for me for football. How tall are you?

Five-nine. That's me too. Five fucking nine. Somebody had a good point, Kevin Millar, that used to play for the Red Sox. He goes, why don't they measure us in our fucking shoes or our sneakers? We don't walk around barefoot most of our life. I thought it was a good point for a moron. Anyways Meaning him not me Hell of a ballplayer love them. So KP where did we where did we work? I want to say, Pennsylvania So it was a couple man, I got very lucky with lucky with you. You've been crazy good to me, sir.

I don't know if you know how good you've been to me. No, dude. I'm good to people who deserve... I don't put anybody on or help anybody. I don't think it's truly funny or loves comedy. And yeah. And then I found out that you were a military guy, which I just happen to love. People might think I'm from a real gung-ho military. My dad was a Marine, you know, but he was a traditionalist, like what we want. And I like guys like you that actually, my producer Dallas has done a tour in Afghanistan and a couple in Iraq, so he can relate. There's two types

of Dallas's there's always a Dallas that's seen combat and a Dallas that winds up as a stripper that's the only two Dallas's I've ever met. I'm both of them. Oh that's fucking that's actually hilarious that's true. A Dallas like a female Dallas right? Oh, that's actually hilarious, that's true. A Dallas, like a female Dallas, right? Oh fuck. They're always strippers, it's without fail. That's funny, that's how you know I go to shitty strip clubs. The one I went to, the girl's name was Schenectady. You know.

I gotta keep that in mind. We'll get to the comedy and all that shit in a second. Did you grow up in New Jersey? Born and raised about 15 minutes outside Giant Stadium. No shit. Yeah man, it was, it's trippy too because there's that East Coast thing where it's just, I'm in South Carolina right now and I'm very uncomfortable because there's just no Italians down here. I'm not comfortable with it. I need to be near them. I'm not Italian but I need to be adjacent. I love it. See, because that's how I feel about the Irish. I grew up in Boston. All my friends fucking Irish

and my best friends and every girl I fucked was Irish or Italian one guy. He was English and Spanish. That's got nothing to do with what I was saying But um, yeah, so you're you're a jury. Where would you go up at East Rutherford pretty damn close, right? Very close. It was a Passaic County. So Wayne right where they were filming a bunch of the soprano stuff when I was in high school What did you just say by before that that was a sopranos thing you remind me of on that come on that's where i get all time is it you have a look at them and about the poll jeffrey to be act

hope you get a sneeze guard on your computer screen i have a squeegee this is me talk at tech support for the morning some guy calcutta, how do I get semen out of a mousepad? Yeah, I tried fucking lemon and club soda. That's the best you got, you fucking duck. Don't put curry on anything. I tried the curry. They're painful. Much later on, I went to another video and didn't rinse my hands. It's like eating. I don't know where the fuck I'm at so uh so you are Giants fan obviously

unfortunately we're going through the process now it's uh it's been brutal it's been brutal you remember a guy named Mark Varro oh he's the hero he was uh I was his captain in high school he was on he was a junior I was a senior he was our tight end oh I didn't know that my uncle Bobby was on he was a junior. I was a senior. He was our tight end. Oh I didn't know that. My uncle Bobby was uh he's my dad's oldest brother and my dad loves you by the way. You met him one time in uh that theater gig in Pennsylvania. Yes yes I did. But his oldest brother uh he was Bill Parcell's quarterback coach uh when Parcells was still playing in uh Jersey. He was the quarterback and I think my uncle was so he was such a young teacher and Parcells was still playing in Jersey. He was the quarterback and I think my uncle was so he was such a young

teacher and Parcells was such a big person. I think he was the teacher, but he had to call Bill Parcells Mr Parcells. That's how little respect they had. Parcells was a quarterback at one time. He was Riverdale High School, New Jersey. Parcells, a quarterback. That's fucking weird because he's a big guy and fucking I love them. He's an opinionated asshole and just Every time people you know trumps and out I go yeah Well, you know what fucking most leaders are not not everybody and I always use Parcells

I go not every player on the Giants like Bill Parcells I guarantee you or Packers Vince Lombardi those are called fucking leaders the job done. Bill Belichick. Oh, he's full of personality I mean, right Little more lately he's a character though, man All that you're right everybody's you have to have there's people are gonna run through walls for him There's gonna be people that are like how soon till I can get another job, but you can always wind up better for it That's true. What are what are? You're in South Carolina working? Yeah, it's a member comedy shop.

That was actually the guy that introduced us to answer your first question. It was James from the comedy shop. Is that one of his? Oh, James from the comedy shop? James, the Jersey guy. He's a Jersey guy. He moved to Myrtle Beach.

That's where I'm at right now. I stayed with him this weekend. He put me up while I was working. No shit! Tell him I said hello. I play the comedy cabana down there. And I had never heard of it. I'm talking about K.P.

Burke, by the way. That's called resetting when you're doing radio. Very funny comedian. I was, yeah, I did the comedy cabana. I just started recently doing it a few years ago. And I've been doing this rubber you know that k p and i get there and i this in this happens to me all the time i look at the wall

the pictures on the and saw my buddies who've been playing the shitholes forever so i have to call my age ago what the fuck you doing why am i playing the shoe factory again in fucking new brunswick new jersey you the shoe factory again in fucking New Brunswick, New Jersey. Is it a good? They were there together too. Yeah, geez, now he's reminded me of all the, I only thought, I could only remember the the theater, but you're right. We did the laugh factory, right?

Well, you know what it was? I think people noticed that you weren't kicking me off the show. So they're like, let's just bring in KP because Nick doesn't seem to get angry when we do that so I think that was the palpable fear they all had of you I think just led to me getting more work so I was like I'm not gonna correct him I'm not being brought in by him but I'm not gonna correct him. Andy Fiores texted me. Yes and when we did that gig did Vinnie Brand, this is the guy who owns it, good guy but he's a comic too. Did he when you were I would add maybe he wasn't even there because after the

first time I worked with him and it's his club I said I don't want you around when I if I do this club again. I go you opened with 48 minutes folks you know how the MC comes out and does 10? He did 48, because it's his club. Did he do that when you and I were there, KP? No, I think you scared him off too. It was great. It's one of my favorite stories. Can I tell the story?

Two seconds. I don't even know what it is, but fuck it. What do I get to lose? It was fantastic. I'm 78. You were, well, I'll tell you what it was. It was get? It was fantastic. 78. Well, I'll tell you what it was. It was McGregor versus Mayweather. Oh, yes.

So they actually put the fight on for us at the end over there. Vinnie wasn't there that weekend, but you and me were watching the fight afterwards. They told everybody at the late show, if you stuck around, they were going to put the game on that fight on rather. And my favorite part of that was in between shows, the manager of stress comes in, he goes, Nick, can you please not fight on rather. And my favorite part of that was in between shows, the manager of stress comes in, he goes, Nick, can you please not smoke on stage?

I got people complaining. And you gave the funniest answer. You're like, you let a tell do it. It floor, it's my favorite thing ever. And we've, you always gave me something to talk about on Monday at work, you know, but it was, that was my favorite one. I'm like Christopher on Monday at work, you know, but it was... That was my favorite one. I'm like Christopher on The Sopranos, insecure guy. Like when he went to the bakery, remember, and the kid was giving him shit behind the counter. Kids like, no, Gino,

you come first. And then Christopher tells a guy to leave and he goes to the kid, what, I don't look like something to fucking worry about? You're afraid of a towel but you fucking tell me to fuck off with the smoking? Yes you're absolutely right and I've said that at other clubs too. You know I go well what is this a Jew thing? The fuck? You're consistent Nick that's the best part. I am I am like I'm like herpes, not going anywhere. I like this book, Cape. I really do. I'm not just fucking, again, the size. And what makes me laugh is you said

you should read it in the bathroom. And I've been constipated. So I've had this for three months, and I only read two chapters. I've been really blocked up. But Dallas, you might know some of this shit, but the one I love the best, the 20th president, that was Garfield, right?

Like I know, it's right in front of me. There's a town in New Jersey named after him, actually. Yes, I think I played it. Called the fucking black hole I play love it they're all Italian over there I know I have played every J Kp I played Jersey and they've always been good to me the minute I came down from Boston they was a match made in heaven and every time I go on the road anybody east of the fucking Chicago thinks I'm a Jersey, Jersey of Brooklyn. I go,

what the fuck? I sound like Ted Kennedy. You guys gonna get out more. But I like the opposite. What do you get? Do you? Oh, everybody. They see KP Burke on the roster and I have my little St. Brendan pendant. And they're like, how long you been out of Boston? And you look at him and go, what are you fucking retarded? Yeah. If you're Irish and you dress Italian they think you're from Boston. I don't know why it works, but it does Colin Quinn always says to me you're the only Italian I know that doesn't dress Italian. You don't give a fuck about clothes Listen to this KB this was shocking too. I'm sorry. I'm talking so much. It's your interview. I My my wife my mother, hello? I was fucking my cousin.

My sister did the swab 23 and me thing. I am 1% more Irish than Italian. That's how I know those things are bullshit. Look at me, I look like a piece of burnt garlic. How the fuck am I more Irish? Do you believe that? That's what they said. Irish. Do you believe that? That's what they said. I like this guy, Gatot, Charles Gatot, right? He was the assassin. He was Manson before Manson, man. He was a wild

dude. Yeah, what made him so wild? Like, people know he was a dangerous... He pretended to help McKinley get elected I mean Garfield well yeah it was weird he he was a nutjob from day one his own father thought that he was possessed by the devil and then he got kicked out of a sex cult that's a hundred percent true story by the way he got kicked out of a sex call I don't want to say them got both those things were true of me too that's yeah but you got charisma this guy I do I had a lot of charisma I could get those Cub Scouts hope those things are true of me too. That's yeah, but you got charisma. This guy I do. I had a lot of charisma. I could get those Cub Scouts into

my van just looking at him and go, Hey, so yeah, so he he was, was he really working on the campaign or no? So it's nuts. It's like he gave a speech. Yeah, he gave one speech, nobody really listened to it. But he had a guess a newspaper connection. Yeah. So he parlayed that into he was kind of like talking himself up. It was like, like when a comic sees another guy, I know somebody at the Beacon Press, I got to work there February 2nd. But it was great. It was a, he parlayed it was kind of like when a comedian sees a comic that has a monster bit and somebody be like, oh, that they that's my joke.

You know, I actually they saw me working that out. Yeah. And you're like, all right. I don't know if you really came up with it first. I'm sure if you did, it wouldn't be as good as this guy just figured it out. Right. We all pull from the same spots. So this guy took all the credit for he goes, oh, I'm the reason why Garfield got elected. And then he was he wanted to to be, made a minister, which is like a, like a consulate type position. He wanted that. Then he wanted to become the head of the post office. And they kept telling him, like,

they just weren't taking meetings with him. They're like, dude, get out of here. What's wrong with like, you didn't do anything. You're a weird guy. And then he took that slight and he decided, he's like, oh, well, I'm going to get my name in the papers by killing him then and he he literally bought a gun and he goes make sure it looks good it's gonna hang in a museum one day that was the fucking that's why I love this story that right there he said that a guy that

it was selling him the gun he wanted a pearl handle on it too right is that what he asked for a pearl handle yep make sure it's pretty it's going up make sure it's pretty it's going up in a museum. Wow! I'm gonna try that next time I buy a gun. I'm gonna try that at Pearl Basia. You'll be like that scene from Dogma when they're loading desert eagles together, you know, talking about how they can use it at home for self-defense. No, I, how old are you? No, I how old are you? 37 37 you're like my buddy Steven Crowder every movie he references

Fucking look at him go Last movie I saw was a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang in the theater Yeah, no, but Yeah That is that is That's sort of a tip off. And the other one, what Madison's wife? I didn't know she was a fucking live wire, huh? Tell us about her box of rocks, they said piece of ass too. She was hot. They actually I think she's up

there is like ranked as one of the best first ladies ever. And she was a total character man. Better than Joe Biden? You know what, if you didn't have Melania in there, Jill's not a bad looking lady. No, she had her day. She had her day. She certainly did. Now she's evil.

She's like the chick that married, what's his name, from Raging Bull, Jake Lamada. Jake Lamada's wife that keeps pushing him out there before he died. She's like, oh yeah, we're gonna do a Broadway play. It's evil what you're watching them do. It's like Anna Nicole on steroids kind of a thing. Kathy Moriarty, is that you talking about? The actress?

Not the actress. Oh, you mean the actress. The actress was great. Yeah, you mean, I get you. Yeah, Lamada's wife before he died, I think they lived in Bisbee. I only know this because Doug Stanhope was talking about it, but they would make him do like a play or something like that, that his wife wrote and directed. That's right. He'd be like in a wheelchair and not know what he was doing and you're like this is what Jill Biden was doing for four years. Only on a worldwide stage.

What a terrifying. That was like a senior abuse. I'm talking to KP Burke, a very funny dude, Navy veteran. The book is History Isn't Boring, Your Teacher Was. And I actually liked history, but I don't read anymore. I don't know what fucking happened. Oh, that's right. I do know what happened.

They invented TV. You know, my wife is a history fanatic, and I can't stand her. You know, honey, I'm kidding. You know that. She reads, I'm not shitting you, 10 books a week. What have you been doing? Let's talk about stand up. I personally, I just pick my spots now.

Everybody's releasing specials and Colin Quinn said this, and this had to be, and I'm not shitting you, when I was sitting around the Comedy Cellar table, so this had to be 12 years ago saying how just what you said, I write an article, specials aren't specials everybody everybody has one which was really true I'm in Savannah KP and this town doesn't have a comedy scene whatsoever and so I don't have a place to work shit out which means I'm not I'm not inspired to write anything and I just lay on my ass but you live in Jersey still, right? Yes, sir. I was living down the shore for a couple of years and then, uh, I wound up.

My girlfriend trapped me and now I'm back up in North Jersey. I live one town over from where I grew up. It's a nightmare. Carly. She's a winner, dude. She looks, I saw it in the clip. We, uh, we're going to drop in. She, you do a great joke about I saw it in the clip we were going to drop in.

You do a great joke about her and cut the very pretty woman. Unlike my wife, I do a joke. She gives me the finger. She's in the crowd. No. Does she throw her back out while she does it though? Yes, she does. Actually, she throws her back out sleeping with Tyrell Suggs.

Folks, that's my favorite reference every time I do a black guy. Yeah, no, but your wife is like my wife. We got lucky. At least I did. I married a woman that's, and I didn't do it on purpose. I married a woman, she let me know a little at a time as the years went on how much smarter she was. She let it out a little at a time. I was just looking for a girl, you know kind of autistic with a nice body this My wife's like fucking with bill. She writes she can write computer programs. She very it's not what I wanted I was just looking for a whore But your your wife is your business like your manager right and your business cuz that's what my wife is my business matter manager

She's so friggin good with money and isn't that what Carly does? It's great and the two of them were corresponding via email which I loved because Carly does everything for me with this it's she understands she's like listen if I just put you in a dark room you kind of come up with something interesting so why don't you do that and then I'll figure out your dollars and cents end of it so the book doesn't exist without her. Who's that? Your doctor? Who just hucked up a lungi back there? That's James from the Comedy Shop. Tell Nick to send me a Vales. Hey James I'll be at the Comedy Cabana in March if you want to come

down there check out a set and no I don't know when I'm gonna be back there I like I like it down there James good to good to hear from you and I hope that that AIDS clears up Jesus Christ that sounded like a real wet cough yeah book book soon I don't know how much longer just get back from the hut zone we'll be back with more KP Burke in just a minute. Go to nickdip.com if you want to get my tour dates as you see their February 20th Brick Town Comedy Club, Tulsa, Oklahoma. The very next night, February 21st, Funny Bones, St. Louis, Missouri. And then March 13th, Hyenas, Albuquerque, New Mexico. Also April 25th, Cajos Musical, Cajos, New York, and then May 15th

and 16th at Zanies in Rosemont, Illinois, which is a great gig. If you want to support the show, buy some of the gear that we have. The wife worked very hard on putting the page together. Hats, grab a hat, hoodie, mug, t-shirt. We got sling shots, sawed off shotguns, and water pistols, all Nick DePaulo style. If you're watching the free version of the show, you can watch full episodes of my show, and a lot of with Crowder and all exclusive Rumble content,

ad free with one subscription. Click the link in the description, then click the Rumble premium button. Click the red premium button below and enter promo code Mug Club, that's one word to get $10 off an annual subscription and Without further delay back to my buddy KP Burke. Hi. Good night, everybody I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man Wow! I'm gonna be a rock star I'm gonna be a rock star I'm gonna be a rock star I'm gonna be a rock star

I'm gonna be a rock star I'm gonna be a rock star I'm gonna be a rock star I'm gonna be a rock star I'm gonna be a rock star I'm gonna be a rock star I'm gonna be a rock star I'm gonna be a rock star

I'm gonna be a rock star I'm gonna be a rock star Thanks for watching!