The Nick DiPaolo Show - Mar-A-Lago Karma Bites Joe | Nick Di Paolo Show #1333

Episode Date: January 10, 2023

Biden Classified Docs Found. Gavin Claims Cali Most Free State. Cops Fired For Sex.

🎵 Good morning, my neighbors! Hey, fuck you! Music to my ears. Welcome to New York. Hi, ears. Welcome to New York. Hi, folks. Welcome to the show. A Tuesday morning. State of Georgia.

State of the national champion Georgia Bulldogs. Two years running. And that is not going to help college football get fans, that one last night. Unless you're into fucking S&M and... That was a... that was... boy, if that was a heavyweight fight, it would have been stopped about this fucking 30 seconds in. As Georgia... okay. I tried. Fucking teeth. Look what Georgia's done to me. Got a date with my cousin tonight at Fuddruckers. Georgia took apart the TCU Horned Frogs like you read about in Horned Frog Weekly. Holy fucking moly. Just, you know what's funny, Dallas? I didn't tell you this.

I took one of those power naps from about 6. I woke up at 8.25. You know when you're fucking, you're like, what day is it? Where am I? Is it morning? I had no, and of course, like the guy that came out of his coma, the black guy, I went to the football game. That was my second thought after pussy and pizza. Okay, third. And I, so I go, oh, I'll go 825. I said, I probably only missed 15 minutes or so. I put it on 17 to seven. The fuck happened? Halfway through the first quarter. And yeah, that was a fucking beat. I feel good for the quarterback, Stetson Bennett III, who went out at Georgia. I don't know the complete story.

I read it a year ago and forgot. And they said, look, you're not good enough. Scram. He went to a junior college, tightened up his shit for a couple years, came back. And even then, I don't think he was first on the depth chart. Had to win the position. And he's been the MVP of all five games, four or five games that he's been in in the playoff system. He's also 28-3 as a starter for Georgia.

28-3 and two national champions. So he's a god in Georgia. Don't matter what he does, he ain't never going to pay for a drink or boozy like myself. I go back to the, I had a good set in Idaho about 20 years ago. I go back to the, I had a good set in Idaho about 20 years ago. Ah, anyways. You smug cocksucker. Oh, shut up. I can blow my own horn.

Fuck you. Once in a while. So that's that. That was an absolutely horrible game. Great for Georgia. Congratulations. Do I look tired today? I should.

You know, I dreamed about, and this is how you guys, when I say I just don't like traveling, Do I look tired today? I should. You know, I dreamed about, and this is how you guys, when I say I just don't like traveling. Last night, totally anxiety dream. And I went to bed. I remember it was my last thought late about going to Kentucky. Again, no big deal. It's never the big deal that I make it. I just hate it.

I hate to ride to the airport. I hate looking at the board, praying my father. There's all these little things I hate about it. It just builds up. Last night, I had the most fucked up like there's any other. I've never had a normal dream in my life where it's a linear. And you're like, yeah, my cousin Billy was there. We went to a movie. It's none of that fuckage ever.

It's always like I was hanging out with Ruth Buzzy from Laughing. Dallas has no idea what I'm talking about. And, you know, and then we were at a glue factory snorting a product that, you know, Biff Henderson from Letterman. It never makes any fucking. Last night I'm hanging out. I'm at the club in Kentucky or wherever. In my dreams it's always generic.

It's a club. And I'm hanging out with the owner who's a young guy and we're bullshitting and doing all kinds of shit before I'm supposed to go on. All of a sudden, I'm in New York with him and my family and his family like partying. Does this make any fucking, and I got to get back to, Dallas, I have to get back to Kentucky to do my set. And they're all staying in New York. And I'm trying to wave down cabs and the city's empty. It's the fucking weirdest that I get back there and there's a kid in front of me doing everybody else's material. All the shit, you guys must laugh, I've been doing this forever. I can do it in my sleep. And it's not a case of being nervous. I just, I get, it's anxiety about traveling. The rest of it's a piece, but I'm

just saying. Anyways, I'm right in the middle of that. I'm standing, I'm standing on Fifth Avenue in New York trying to get a cab. There's no one around. And I, my alarm goes off this morning. That was the whole night. Oh, I even told you, I woke up during it and went back to sleep. And continue this fucking, that never happens when I'm banging somebody in the fucking dream. I'm going to do that, you're banging a 20-year-old Pam Anderson, you wake up, you go,

oh, I got to finish that, you go back to sleep, you're fucking Patton Oswalt. Which is so silly after 30 fucking something years of doing this uh it just shows that i really don't fucking i really don't like it anyways uh what other thing real quick the fucking um oh football pool's over for the nfl I finished 21st out of 117 people, which might as well finish 116th. It doesn't matter. I didn't finish on the money. This kid, Nick Brazoni,

he was in first place for all but like two weekends. Tape to tape, wire to wire, as they say. Gets 1,200. It seems like it should be 12,000. It's very hard to do this shit because you're betting on young black guys to show up and do their job. Nick, you can't. I did. And I will.

Anyways, Brazoni, nice going. He was in the money last year, too, I believe. All right. Let's get on to it, shall we? Oh, by the way, Bruins are, I don't know, fucking 34-2. I have never in my life. Let's get on with it in chief what am I talking about what am I talking about I'll tell you what I'm talking about um all of a sudden Biden's lawyers stumbled on on a guess what a bunch of documents a bunch of classified documents and shit uh at the University of Pennsylvania, they have a special room where

when he was vice president, he kept all these documents, whatever the fuck, and forgot about... This sounds weird to me. And why would his lawyers... Oh, they said they were moving stuff. That's when they stumbled on them, or whatever the fuck. But can you imagine? So it's...

It's all kinds of shit. Some of it, you know, I don't know if it's classified whatever it's not supposed to be there and you know they're gonna have somebody look into it but if you remember biden what a couple months ago mar-a-lago shitting all over trump you remember this of sound of uh current president biden addressing the the handling of classified documents and the care in which he believes they should be handled. And we should listen to that. I think we have this. When you saw the photograph of the top secret documents laid out on the floor at Mar-a-Lago, what did you think to yourself? I said, I i love twister how that could possibly happen

how anyone could be that irresponsible and i thought what data was in there that may compromise sources and methods by that i mean names of people who helped or they said all right that's good enough and it's good that's good you smug cocksucker. Fuck you. What kind of names are in there that could compromise? I don't know, but we're about to find out what was in your shit. I'm sure there's shredding and burning stuff as we speak right now. He had stuff in there, though, when he was vice president under Obama. I guess you're not supposed to have any of that shit.

I might be reading it. Well, that's what I thought I read. It doesn't matter who am I, fucking Wolf Blitzer. But I do know a lot of that goings on in China with his son and shit was when he was vice president. Remember, they were selling access to his name, Hunter was, when he was VP. So I'm sure, and again, more bright lights. Something else for us to look over here as this country goes the way of now Brazil. See Brazil, what's going on in Brazil, folks? It's dominoes. Dictator won there, a fucking,

guys in out and out felon, convicted felon, one of the presidency, Lulu his name is or some shit like that. And he's a fucking dictator and it's happening in fucking Europe and do you see what but look over here, we found some papers

just like we did at Mar-a-Lago. Whatever. And then our new Republican you know, House members will go after him we can pretend to be upset about that again as half of Mexico pours over the border and everybody else and the cartels take off we're on to it it's nothing you can do about it unless you're 18 and have giant balls and a lot of guns president Joe Biden and his White House legal team do not know what's in the classified

documents from his time they found a dirty diaper and some bingo chips. What? That stunk. Yeah, so do you. Fuck off. Classified documents. I don't know when Dallas is not going to tell that. From his time as vice president, that was discovered last fall in his private office.

Can you see my tooth missing when I'm talking? Because I'm not going to wear that thing on stage in Tennessee, Kentucky, which will fit perfectly. His private office, because they did not review them. Two sources familiar with the matter told CNN. Yes, sir. And you're a piece of shit. Biden didn't know the documents were there and didn't become aware they were there until his personal lawyers informed

the White House Counsel's Office, one source told CNN, in explaining why Biden doesn't know what's in the documents. The source said in the president's team is wary of appearing to interfere, given the Justice Department is still scrutinizing the matter. That's always their excuse. It's an ongoing invasion. Meanwhile, they're buying time. And like I said, in the end, it's always their excuse. It's an ongoing. Meanwhile, they're buying time. And like I said, in the end, it's all a joke. Biden's personal attorneys, Jacobian Myers and Mike Hostelow, local guys down here, found the documents when packing files, the White House has said. And then the counsel's office notified the National Archives and Records Administration. Biden's the counsel's office notified the National Archives and Records Administration.

Biden's lawyers provided the documents to the National Archives the day after they found them. And I still cooperate. Oh, they do everything right by the letter, right? Do you believe any of this? Suck my left nut. Cooperating in the matter being reviewed by the United States Attorney in Chicago,

according to the filthy White House. The news has led to Biden and his team facing sharp new questions as he prepares for a summit with leaders of the U.S. neighboring nations. Gonna make an ass of himself again. The news broke on Monday, moments after the president's motorcade

rolled into the National Palace in Mexico City in a visit that marks a U.S. president's first visit to Mexico, him, oh, Mexico since 2014. Biden's lawyer said they found the government materials in November while closing out an office that Biden, what, it's like they're moving out of an apartment when you're in college. We found these as we were painting the shitter, you know, trying to save our deposit, that Biden used as part of the relationship with the University of Pennsylvania, where he was an honorary professor.

Even as an honorary professor, he fucks things up from 2017 to 2019. Oh, fucking idiot. Yeah, you are, you suckbag. I hate your fucking guts. Fewer than a dozen classified documents were found at the office. Another source told CNN, it is unclear what the documents pertain to. We already said this in the article, you assholes, or why they were taken to Biden's private office. The classified materials included some top secret files with the sensitive compartmented information designation, also known as SCI. Oh is that what that means on the show? Who knows? I

thought it was sensitive cunts in ink. Sensitive cunts ink which is used for highly sensitive information obtained by the intelligence. How about this Joe? You fucking hippo. No how about this, Joe? Oh, fuck you! No! How about this, Joe? Take a big step back and literally fuck your own face! That wasn't supposed to be there. Federal office holders are required by law to relinquish official documents and classify records when their government service ends. I can't wait to see what they...

There has to be shit in there about China and everything, right? Of course not. It's all been bleached. Meanwhile, asked by reporters in the room before the bilateral meeting for a response to the classified documents, Biden stayed quiet at one point, appeared to smirk, as shouting reporters were ushered out of the room. Of course he did.

He's a smug asshole. Seated to Biden's left during his meeting with the Mexican president was Miss February. I don't know. Attorney General Merrick Garland, who should be fucking filleted, hung by his vagina and shot to death, who has asked the United States attorney in Chicago to review the matter. A source familiar with the matter told CNN, why Chicago? I don't get it. A process that is still in preliminary stage.

Yep, yep, yep. Another destruction. You scumbucket. Let's see how the media covers it, though. How come you're just finding about this now, folks? Just like I found out there was another story the media hardly touched this week. There's been a couple of big ones. Oh, basically the shootouts in Mexico

with the army taking on the fucking drug cartels and basically losing. And, you know, the shit going on in Brazil. These are huge stories that will change this country forever. And you're not hearing about any of them unless you tune in to here and the, you know what, the Chelsea Handler show. They're auditioning her, Sarah Silverman, a couple other left-wing bloke for their daily show.

Can you fucking... I always thought, and I said this to Gutfeld in a text, I always thought TV was about the bottom line. That's the old saying was the bottom line is the bottom line in television. But no, it's just more proof it's propaganda. How could you look

at the success of Greg Gutfeld's show and go, let's put in another lefty in the daily show? Why? Because it's propaganda. It's got nothing to do with fucking making money. In a perfect world or even a semi-normal world, they'd drop me in that seat. They'd go, oh, gut fell.

But I'm pretty sure I burnt that bridge 28 years ago at Comedy Center when I gave them all the finger at a meeting. No. Nick, you can't say Jew on... Can't what? Alright, let's move on to my favorite state in the history of the world, California. California dreaming.

All the leaves of something are gray. All the leaves are gray. What's the beginning of that? I used to play it, but it got flagged. All the leaves are brown and your mother's twat is gray. And the sky is gray. And the sky is gray. I'd be safe and warm.

I used to play it, and it would get flagged. And I'd go, what? Is that fucking Mama Cass' estate getting some? Remember the big thing? Everybody said she choked on a ham sandwich. That's how she died. I don't know if that's true or not. I think it was somebody's cock.

That's how she got the gig. California dreaming. California Governor Gavin Newsom, the shapeshifter, came under fire for a Friday tweet heralding the golden state as, get this, in quotes, true freedom state, unquote. He thinks it's all the mask mandates, all the vaccine mandates. That's his idea of freedom. You see how fucking deranged this motherfucker is?

Honestly. Kids can go there for transgender. They're a sanctuary for transgender kids. Can have shit done without the doctors telling a parent, which is freedom, somebody's freedom, but are you fucking high, man? I guess it's so free and so good and so American. That's why, what did we say last, 300,000 people left last year or whatever?

Last few years? They still lead the country in U-Haul departures when he leaves. Yes, yes. That's how free it is. And he would say, you're free to leave. Well, that goes for any state, stupid. Why are they leaving yours in New York? The two most left-wing places on the planet,

or in this country at least, you fucking people. The true freedom state. Some Twitter users are not only lambasting him. I guess Twitter, I noticed from these stories, I guess it has changed the tone over there. Because there's a lot of, sort of our point of view, lambasting him for his claim,

but also for his lackluster uh leadership he really thinks it's the freedom state you're fucking crazy let's take just a little snippet i couldn't listen to too much of it because literally i felt like a little bit of um throw up in my mouth and a little doo-doo sliding out of my panties listen to jerk off you know in our finest hours california has has been well freedom's force multiplier protecting liberty from a rising tide of oppression and taking root in state houses weaknesses masquerading as strength small men in big offices news Newsom with a call to action. The battle lines, they're drawn.

And I'll say it once again, it is time for choosing. Yeah, I give him that much. The battle lines are drawn. He can't possibly think you're going to win this battle. When he says battle lines are drawn, I'm going with balkanization. Keep California and all that other fucking Washington state and all that other stupid Oregon. Whatever the fuck. Oregon's probably a little this way. I don't know. You guys, you can have it.

They're not fleeing to your state, stupid. They're fleeing away from it. And states like yours, your schools are a mess. Fucking everybody hates each other thanks to your politics. Nobody has anything in common in L.A. with their neighbors or anything.

It's just, it's beautiful. Remember him having dinner at fucking the I was going to say the dirty laundry, the French laundry. Fucking remember? Telling everybody else to wear their mask, and he's sitting there sucking on a turkey leg like Henry V or the 11th.

I don't know the Henrys. Henry Hill was the third. Critics jumped at Newsom's claim, calling out alleged drug user enablement, firearm restrictions, exactly, restrictive COVID-19 policies, and more. This guy writes, these are some of the guys that replied online. Hi, New Hampshire resident here. I don't pay income tax to my state. I don't need permission to carry a firearm. I can collect rainwater, and we have way less crime. We are the free state. Thank you very much. Singer Phil Labonte responded.

Phil, is he still putting out the... I like his old shit. It's freedom, baby. Yeah. Singer Phil Labonte. Like he's a household name. My roommate, my quarterback up at May was Richie Labonte. And he's from Maine.

I wonder if there's any relation. Yeah, Nick, there's no other people named Labonte in New England. Shut up. Film producer and cinematographer Errol Weber ripped Newsom a new vagina. He said harm reduction centers in the Golden State attaching a video alleging San Francisco officials gives away free bags of needles and paraphernalia to drug addicts.

gives away free bags of needles and paraphernalia to drug addicts. Yeah, that's, I guess, freedom for the, you know, drug addict, the way you look at it. This is California under Gavin Newsom, he says. The spectator contributing editor, who is Stephen Miller, shared side-by-side, he's the guy with the rapey eyes, I think, who I work for Trump, I think, if it's the same Stephen Miller. I love him. He scares me.

Brilliantly smart. Shared side-by-side images of Newsom's praise for California and a screenshot of a November 2020 political article outing him for attending a glorious dinner party while urging state residents to refrain from gathering with their families during the holidays. That was during the COVID thing. Remember? You guys know that.

Sure. It's a stupid, stupid story. Sure, my guy. He says, sure, my guy, Miller captioned. If you believe this guy, you lack common sense, author Scott Fishman chimed in. They mention these people like their household names. Fucking short order cook, Kevin Magoo.

California Assemblyman, Joe Patterson. Again, another household name. Rip Newsom in the thread writing, can't wait to use these lines on the assembly floor on dozens of bills that do the exact opposite in our state house. Exactly. Journalist Liz Heiligman, who I love,

who the fuck is she, asked, how about a middle-class person being able to accomplish buying a home in one of the big cities you're talking about? Very well said. And then you get Lee Allen Baker, an actress best known for giving John Goodman a handjob in the movie Pikes Peak.

I don't know, I'm making shit up. What? Lee Ann Baker, actress best known for her role on the Disney Channel's Good Luck, Charlie. Oh, yeah. Terrific. I taped over the Super Bowl with that show. Television.

What is that, a 1940 reference? Yeah. Television series slammed in the state's vaccine mandate, writing, no, it's not a freedom state. It's a medical fascist state. I had to flee your state because you took away my kids' medical exemptions for school, you bitch. I think, or bastard. Is it bastard? Yeah. Anyways, good for you, honey. You let him have it. And he thinks it's the best

of freedom. That's what I mean. The guy's not stupid not stupid unless i don't know the definition of intelligence maybe you again you can be book smart and have all those degrees and and literally be retarded when it comes to so out of reality again and he was raised to do this you know that i i don't think it's that i think it's just you know we're going to call this freedom so everyone can get used to what our version of freedom is. So you just accept it. That's true. And again, who accepts it? The same people.

And again, I believe this. I swear on my mother's eyes I believe this. I don't know in the last election whether it wasn't cheating. I'm not just talking about the last one. In my opinion, this country is way more, I wouldn't say conservative, but to the right than it is to the left. You're not going to know that because the whole media is far, far left. You'll never know that. But I think if

in a perfect world you did these elections, Republicans would win every fucking one. Because I think there's a lot of people that still love this country. Even the new people that show up. Anyways, let me plug myself. And you know how that hurts. Hey guys and gals I'll be back on the road this week

and can you see my nipples ripping through my shirt here's where you can see me the chuckle hut funny truck the mobile comedy pop-up comedy

January 13th and 14th. That's this Friday and Saturday night. Comedy Off-Broadway. Lexington, Kentucky. Heard nothing but good things about this place. I'll change that. February 3rd and 4th, the Grove Comedy Club. Club?

Yeah, the Grove Comedy Club. Fucking asshole. The Grove Comedy Club in Lowell, Arkansas. Hope it's better than Lowell, Massachusetts. Oh, yo, yo, yo. March 11th and 12th, the Comedy Club of Kansas City. That's in Casey, Mizzou. April 21 and 22, the Funny Bones, St. Louis, and St. Charles, Missouri.

Oh, Jesus, more. May 12th, Hilton, Daytona Beach, Oceanfront Resort, Daytona Beach. Get tickets to all these shows at nickdip.com and click on the tour button. Ladies and gentlemen, finally tonight, private dick. Get it? Well, you will. A small Tennessee police station has been rocked by allegations of wild sexual misconduct after a married, I didn't know she was married too. God bless. Where are these broads when I'm hanging out at the Fuddruckers? After a married female officer allegedly had steamy romps with not one, not two, not three, again, not all at the same time, not four, not five, but six male officers,

including illicit on-duty liaisons, according to report. Now, good for somebody to give her a fucking accommodation. What do you call it? to report. Now, good. Somebody give her a fucking accommodation. What do you call it? This is her breaking up a fight at a McDonald's while watching a fight. Stop. Officer Megan Hall, seen here. Oh, you dirty little one, you. Look where she's going. This guy's got a cock on him like a fucking Redwood.

And the guy's going, raise your right hand. Do you swear to suck my black cock until it chokes you? I do. Do you swear to swallow the goat? I do. You may whatever. So help, yes. That's what I was looking for so help my load okay officer Megan Hall and her fellow law officers she likes the fucking uh you know the fucking jungle life

not jungle life what do you call the love when a black away jungle no jungle fever. Jungle love. Fucking hit by Steve Miller. Jungle love. It's driving me mad. And her fellow law officer allegedly engaged in wild sexcapades. Why didn't this shit happen to me when I was ripping people off selling fake inventions? Sexapades that include sending dirty pictures, taking her top off at a girl's gone wild hot tub party. That's what you're supposed to do. What, are you going to put on a turtleneck to get in the hot tub?

And even having oral sex with two officers that all look like fucking LeVar Burton. With two officers, is that the two of them? They like it chocolatey. The La Verne's Tennessee police station told the TV station down there. These steamy shenanigans, who was reporting? Joe Biden. In which Hall allegedly bragged about the size of one partner's genitals and claimed to be in an open marriage, not only led Hall to be canned, but led to the firings of Sergeant Lewis Powell,

Officer Juan Lugo, Ty McGowan, wow, she got a rock, and Detective Seneca Shields, according to a December internal investigation. Why? Oh, come on, they're blowing off a little steam. You're fired. You're fired.

You're fired. Oh, come on, they're blowing off a little steam. Two other officers allegedly had romps. Sergeant Bonnie Fife, Withall Patrick, Magaloco, and Larry Holiday kept their jobs but wound up suspended, according to the reports. The extracurricular tryst took place at hotels, in parties at other officers' houses, and on... You know what's great? That's racial unity, kind of. Am I right? They're making interracial porn on a boat. The love boat, exciting and new.

Come aboard, we've got black cock for you. While Hall was being banged on the Lido deck. What was the black bar? Oh, God. Hall was excused. She was accused of performing oral sex on Powell and Shields while on duty. It doesn't say at the same time or not. That makes me even harder.

At the police station and police gym. This girl played hard. She left it all out on the field. According to the internal report, they got some audio of her with these guys in the gym. That's her doing what she does best. Sucking a pickleball through a fire hole. Officials began to look into the swinging personal lives of the amorous officers when Laverne Mayor Jason Cole received a tip that Hall was sleeping with several fellow cops and had a threesome with a

Magliocco and his wife among other claims. Boy she sounds like a blast. I never had these dirty whores at my job. Again don't forget I was married it was an arranged marriage in eighth grade. When asked about the tip, Magaliano admitted to having sex with Hall on numerous occasions. He told investigators that Hall had told him about Powell's big black dick and claimed she had performed a sex act on him while the pair were on the clock.

I think the girl's terrific. Commendation. Bon appetit. Mmm, delicious. Commendation. Bon appétit. Mmm, delicious. Bon appétit. Bon appétit. Holiday Maglio and patrol officer Gavin Strawberry were suspended in connection with the probe, officials said. Good for you, sweetie.

Look, you like bacon black, and bacon. She likes bacon now. You see her eating her bacon. They rewarded her with a nice continental breakfast at the extended stay in in Dublin. Alright, that's it boys and girls, men and women. Everything in between, you fucked up freaking natures. That goes for me

too by the way. I'm not just casting aspersions on anybody. I did some dirty stuff when I was in college. Involved a, well we used to push over cows but that's not where it stopped. Ever you ever heard that cow pushing down, oh you probably did, no? When they, at night they were sleeping, tip them over. Yeah. Male Audience Member 2 in audience Cow tipping. Yeah. We did the same thing with girls from Maine.

Male Audience Member 2 in audience Cow tipping. A lot of time, cow tipping, that's right. Our right, dear, cow tipping. It was given a 200-pound broad, an extra 20 for blowing his... If that doesn't make the show, you can suck my ass. Right? You hear that, Jared? That goes in, honey. All right, that's it. Don't forget Cameo.com.

If you'd like me to roast a friend or relative, go to Cameo.com. I haven't done one in about a month, so apparently, I don't know, shines off that fucking gig. You guys think that I'll say, your mother will chew on it. See you tomorrow. Bye. Hi. Good night, everybody. guitar solo Outro Music