The Nick DiPaolo Show - Mass Shooting Mayhem | The Nick DiPaolo Show #1937

Episode Date: August 17, 2026

In today's episode Nick talks about Mass Shootings Over Weekend, Iran & U.S. On The Straight, Coffee Is Good, A 3 Homer Debut, A Soccer Scumbag and The Left Destroyed Math! WATCH THE FULL SHOW LIVE & FREE at 6pm ET only on Rumble! https://rumble.com/thenickdipaoloshow/ TOUR DATES, SOCIALS, PERSONAL VIDEOS, STREAM ALL MY COMEDY SPECIALS! https://www.nickdip.com/ MERCH - GRAB A MUG, TSHIRT, HOODIE, STICKERS AND MORE! https://shop.nickdip.com/

all of you to enjoy your cake so enjoy the mjim grand will go to the pinnetti brothers from Rhode Island hi folks welcome to the top of the show that's complete opposite of the bottom of the show which is we end I like to start at the top welcome to the live lineup where it's free shows all day and if you want to uh watch ad free join rumble premium don't forget to follow my channel and download the rumble app today I'll be talking about yeast infections and lipstick and all kinds of rosin. What? Mass shootings over the weekend.

We don't even report. We can't even keep up with them. People are so anesthetized, so desensitized, pick the adjective. When these used to happen, it would be two weeks of coverage. Now it's like, hey, somebody farted in math class. Iran and U.S. still arguing about who controls the straight. Some reason I'm going to believe Trump, just on our army size. Coffee is good for you.

And we all know that. But they put out a lot. You can find both sides of your argument, okay? But I've been drinking. Look at me. I'm 28. How about a three-home or debut by a St. Louis Cardinal rookie. This is why we watch sports.

If that was in a movie, you'd go, oh, who wrote this? Shirley Temple. And also, the left destroys math and blacks, being blacks in Miami in Chicago. What do you mean by that? Oh, shut up. Anyways, you know what I mean. Great athletes, great dancers. What do you think I mean?

What's the matter with you? Anyway, so socks, Red Sox, few people who care. P.U. They go into Pittsburgh, which is, they look a lot better than the record, Pittsburgh, but we lose two out of three there. Nobody's hitting right now. It's fucking weird. It is a weird season. Even after, I don't know, they've won like two of the last eight.

They still have like the best record since you all, that's how hot they were. So don't forget that. well I forgot to set the clock what do you got Dallas 350 oh I thought saw some wild shit anyhow yeah P you we did a bitch in kitchen yesterday because you guys have been requesting it and hadn't done it in a while we do those when when Dallas has to do something on the side

and I'm a nice boss and I go sure we have to put some shit in the bank So we hadn't done one in a while. And I think this might be the best one. Don't you think, Del. It, uh, did you, you didn't watch the editor yet, right? No, you're probably still, it was just funny. There was a lot of funny shit in there. And it was a, uh, some type of pasta casserole dish.

But it was, uh, for some reason, and the ending is hilarious. I told Dallas, I said, with my writing and you're directing, we could, we could fucking chew it up to the middle in no time. What the hell else? I get guys, their specialty, this company is cleaning crawl spaces. This is how old they am. I'm talking about this on my podcast. But down here, it's a big problem.

If you have a house built in the 20s or 30s and you have a crawl space under it, the humidity down here is you could read 40 articles about it. There's 40 companies that do this shit. Not all of them good, by the way. One of the ones we had put in the duck work, they're being sued by about, I'm not kidding you, 14, 15 different people. I don't sue. I kill.

I find where they live and I just cut their tires like a high school kid. I put sugar in their gas tank. It's a very Italian thing, but yet it's fun. I get guys out of my house finally, and God bless these. I say, guys, they look like, fucking, they look like they're 20, 21 years old. They are under that house today. I don't know. I don't even know the temperature right now.

It's 94. It's 94 right now, 94 degrees, and they were under the house. early this morning. This is later in the day. I'm telling you guys. They're under there for the last I don't know, last four days pulling shit out that was just left under there debris. And it's about half. It's going to feel like a trailer when you put a trailer in your driveway and you're cleaning out, throwing shit into it. They had to actually, there's rocks and they had to bust in half to get, yeah, I don't know what they did back in the 30s. I guess as they were building. a house, they threw the debris under it.

Dude, you wouldn't believe the shit they're pulling out of there. Liberace's coat. And they've been yanking shit out of there because we have to, you have to put down a barrier. This like plastic sheet that's going to cover the whole thing that keeps the humidity. It's its own ecosystem down there. It's fucking crazy. The humidity comes up. It buckles your floors.

It's, you know, deep south humidity. It's crazy. Anyways, they're under there. And I come out to get my car, and this couple of kids are walking from behind else in the front. And they are, it looks like a movie if you said, you're working in a coal mine. And I go, oh my God. I go, there's enough shit on it. They were both laughing.

They're like, what? I go, I don't know, dude. I don't know how they did things. But, yeah, their faces. It looked like they were chimney sweeps in a fucking Steinbeck novel. Steinbeck, is that somebody? Did I say that right? because Dallas ain't much of a reader either.

He goes, yeah, that's something. He goes, yeah, sure, whatever you say. But, oh, my, and they're under there, and their temperature, and their face is a covered, and I go to the kid, you wear a mask on there, and they go, sometimes. Because when you're 20 or whatever, you're invincible. He's like, I'll get fucking chest cancer later.

I get plenty of, but I'm, so I've been basically without air conditioning. for the whole summer here. I mean, it's still blowing lightly. We have central air. I don't know how that's possible in a fucking house that old. But, you know, it doesn't do the job. I want my temperature.

If I didn't have a wife, it would be 65 in the house. You could see your breath. And I'll be laying around on my underwear. That's just how it is. But it's like 75, which is, for me, it's like, oh, my. And Andy's sitting on the couch reading with a blanket over her legs. so I spit at her she throws the book at me

yeah so you know I'm just all summer and thank God for fans I know they sound old fashion a fan blowing on you is fucking that's how I've been sleeping all summer blowing right on me oh you get a stay I already have arthritis in my neck I don't give a shit

so this has been an ongoing thing for a couple years supposedly this is the thing this is the final solution sorry Jews Yeah, so this is supposed to When you lay that thing, bury you down And a couple other fixes

But people who put the duck work in Oh my God I know I'm boring you Welcome to this old jerk off That's about it I was just telling Dallas I was Stumbling through YouTube looking for recipes And it came across this guy named Frank Miller

He looks like he's in his 60s White beard Really nice beard almost as nice as Dallas, like yours. His beard looks like yours. And he was a butcher for like 40 years or whatever. And now he puts out these YouTube about cooking steaks. And again, fascinating.

It was a 35-minute video. He didn't take a breath. I want you guys to Google. Frank Miller YouTube, steak, butcher, whatever. And he's got a few of them out there. Find the 35-minute video. because he talks from minute one to minute 35, not in a bad way, he's one of these no bullshit guys.

I don't see any edits in it either. It looks like he went into the camera and told the people the young guy's filming it. Listen assholes, I'm busy. We're going to do this in one take. He looks into that camera and he doesn't shut up for fucking three. But it's all fascinating if you like steak and all the things people do wrong. And one of them, the biggest thing I took away from it, I know the steak lovers out there.

You guys are conservatives. You're not eating fucking tofu and faggotry and jizz. But he said, you know, people go, first of all, he goes, don't cook a steak that's under an inch thick. He says, start at two, two and a half, which I agree. Sure, it's going to be expensive. But, you know, he goes, it's not worth. And there's this, people always go let it come to room temperature.

Because that's the first mistake. You want the center cool. Take it right out of, you know, you salt it and brine it beforehand. and put it in the fridge overnight, you know, and he gives you tips on that too. But then he's like, don't let it come to room temperature because you're going to need that time. It makes perfect sense.

The scent is still cool. If it's all one temperature, you're going to be trying to brown the outside and you're going to dry out the inside at the same time. It made perfect. And cook the steak. I'm giving you guys tips who love steak. If you can, and I guess it's in supermarkets,

tallow, which is just beef fat, which makes sense. You would cook it in your own fat. If you're an early fat person, I guess you could lay your tit in the pan. But yeah, cook it and tallow, beef tallow. And it's like, he gives you 20 tips in this 35 minutes without taking a breath. And they're all, you're like, I didn't know that. I didn't know this.

Oh my God, that makes sense. Frank Miller. Frank, I hope you see it as Frank. Hey, Frank, let's tell you something. You a piece of shit. Yeah, so that was my weekend. That's right. What did you say?

Yeah, you were watching people work under your house. You watch the steak video. Did you jerk off a couple times? And that's all I got. Red Sox are disappointing me. But help is on the way. Travis Story played in a AAA game or a double A at AAA. So did Roman Anthony.

Crochet. What did you get cancer? They don't even mention crochet anymore. Our best pitcher ever. Yep, I shouldn't say that. Sunny Gray is our best. 15 wins, a high in his career. Sunny Gray's always been a great pitcher.

I didn't really know what he looked like. I knew he was a Yankee at one point, and then in Oakland A, I think. And he wears his hat a little. The only thing I don't like, he wears his hat a little crooked like a black dude does. I guarantee, though, he doesn't do it for looks. He's a skinny little white guy that throws junk that you can't hit. It's like a fucking wiffle ball on a windy day. He doesn't overpower anybody.

But when he needs a fastball, when he throws it at 92 maybe, it looks like it's, well, no, he gets it up there at 94. It looks like he's 104 after all the other shit he throws. 15 wins, ERA 2.1 something, and he's not even, nobody's talking about him for the Cy Young. And remember he didn't make the All-Star team? What the fuck? He must have got card banging the commissioner's wife or something. Somebody hates that guy. I don't know why.

That's it. That's all my yapp and doodle. Let's get on with the Look at so much yapping this thing Oh Mass shootings this weekend Out of control Mass shootings across the country

Hartford, Connecticut which surprised me Early Sunday morning Five people were shot Near slash on Weather's Field Avenue One person Only time I've been to Hartford is to do gigs

It's always night time I don't know if I'm in a good neighborhood, a bad one one person, and I get hit once with a bullet, but it was a heckler, so I could understand. One person was killed and four wounded. Police say the shooting occurred near a large gathering. Yeah, that's where the mass shootings occur. It'll be silly if you went. The shooting occurred near one guy.

Anyways, the investigations. Why am I reporting this? Because, like I said, we are desensitized to this shit. And it's happening more often, which is getting, It's like, especially if you're in a bad neighborhood, but you don't have to be, it seems like. You could be a couple weeks ago we had one. I don't know. Well, there was one.

What's that school in Virginia? I'll tell you about it in a second. Anyways, Lexington, Kentucky, this weekend, Lexington, Saturday evening at Charles Young Park. That sounds like a black park with a barbecue. Hey, black folks, we're honest. And I'm saying this seriously. I'm not getting a wise ass. Don't barbecue anymore.

You better off joining the Army and go to Iraq. The fuck? What are you doing? Better odds. Yeah, you got better odds of coming home. You go to Tyrone's barbecue. You're coming home in a box. It's a dangerous situation. Anyways, during an East End Avenue event, five people were shot.

One killed and four wounded. Two of the wounded were minors. Yeah, because that's who seems to be the problem. Minors. No arrests have been announced in the latest reporting. anyways that I found. We actually have video here to catch the terror.

Just think of yourself, you and I go to a cookout. We don't even think twice, you know, unless it's an ex-girlfriend or something, but even then, white chicks, you know, the ones that like guns,

use the conservatives. They're sitting home, knitting booties for the new babies. What? That was sexist. Shut up. All right, here's a video of the Kentucky shooting. Check it out.

I don't even know how much I won't do with 30. Knock down, brother. Turns out the guy's burger was rot in the middle. Fucking furious at his parents. Can you imagine that? Somebody hands you a hot dog and you? Next thing you know, you're fucking saving private Ryan. Well, saving private, I should say.

Laquan. Saving private Laquan. Oh my God. Why did I sell Lequon? Because I was watching San. something last night and the kid's name was Laquan. Oh my God. Anyways, Chicago, Illinois, Saturday evening

in Auburn, Gresham on the south side. South side of Chicago, okay. In all fairness, you can get shot doing anything over there. You could be doing a blood drive, end up giving your own. Four adults were shot in a drive-by shooting. Two

were critically wounded. No deaths were reported from that particular mass shooting as of the latest reports. me. On Saturday evening, police and Virginia arrested a suspect. This is a different one now. This isn't Chicago anymore. Over a shooting early that morning at Virginia State University that injured five, including a student, suspect Cameron Harris seen here. He's not a VSU student. Really? I thought he would have been in the medical school.

You fucking. And nor were four of the victims, according to Chesterfield County. So it's not dangerous enough. you send your daughters or sons to a campus. I would never. Like people send their daughters to Temple University in the middle of Philly. Are you out of your fucking mind? Unless that's your... It's at a good school, I understand.

But I'm not trusting my daughter or my son's life with the friggin rent the cops on a campus. So this piece of garbage, listen to this. He does the shooting and they're looking for him. They find him 14 hours later hiding in a closet. 19 years old, his life is finished. What is going on?

There's a lot of people who grow up without a dad who don't turn into psychos. And I'm talking about people that are other than black. Well, that's a racist thing to say. I'd love to say that to Amy Schumer's face, we were talking about, there was a story in the paper. Of course, it was a black shooting or some shit. And everybody's at the day, I'd never piped in at the cellar, unless it was Patrice or Keith Robinson,

black friends of mine. They would like to argue. And we wouldn't take it personally, you know. But I remember Amy Schumer stuck her two cents in, and I was implying that she's like, why do you think, Nick? You know, she said it was, you know, it's because of socioeconomic, you know.

And I got, no, it's not. She's like, why? I go, you know fucking what. Maybe that's why when I asked her to plug my last special on her page, she says, I'm not doing it, which I still think makes her an asshole. You're a comedian. You know?

You either believe in free speech, you don't. And if I said that to Patrice or Keith Robin, they shrug their shoulders. Because they, you know, Patrice used to live in the real world. And Keith, Keith. Keith Robbins is a black dude. Very funny from Philly. About my age.

We always joked about getting old together. And I think I liked him more than he liked me. Although we were, like, friendly. You know, every time Colin Quinn, he was on Tough Crosy. or when Colin Quinn did that cop show, we would always get the same assignments and became pretty, and he's a funny, he's had one or two strokes since,

and he got funnier. He's like black fetterman. He's like black fetterman. He got even funnier. I hope he sees this. Keith, I don't know what your problem is with me. I push back a little. I know the Italians in Philly

grew up with him probably nasty, but so am I. Relax. Hey, folks, I don't know. If you don't know this by now, you're not watching the show. November 5th, they'll be the punchline, Atlanta. And it's going to be hilarious because I will have literally almost a year to the day the last time I told a joke in public.

I'm already getting little butterflies in my, which I never do. When you're doing this, all, when I was in New, anyways, Punchline the 5th in Atlanta, November 5th. November 6th, Rivers Casino in Philly. And then November 7th, the next night, Sol Jolz in Pottstown, Pennsylvania. But go to Nick Dip.com to get your tickets before they sell out. While you're there, go to the merchandise page and grab a bedpan. Do you whack your fucking neighbor over the head with it at Nick Dip.com.

Hats, hoodies, t-shirts, all that stuff. When you buy something, it supports this show. And also, if you want to send a personalized video to someone, I'll say what you're thinking so you don't have to. Book that at shoutout.us. It used to be a minute and a half, two-minute video, busting somebody's balls. Anyways, as I was saying, when you're doing this,

all the time, especially like when I was in New York City doing three, four shows at night around the city, jumping in cabs. You become, and I mean every night, sometimes seven nights a week, because it didn't feel like work. Excuse me. And it's the only way to get really good, in my opinion, me and Gerald used to sit at. But you'd be so, I remember being talking to somebody at the Boston Comedy Club, and I heard my name announced.

I was in the middle of a deep conversation. I go, I'll be right back. and went on stage and you're the same person. That wall that separates you from offstage, this shouldn't be one, in my opinion. You're supposed to bring yourself up there, but we know a lot of comics don't do that. People who are joking about, you know,

I don't know, toast or commercials or whatever. You're not fucking, I'm not saying that's bad. I'm just saying. But I remember being introduced and just going, I'll be right back and went up there, and it felt like nothing. That night six still sticks out my mind. It's like I went from talking to one person

with a bunch of people. And that's how it should be. And after you do it so many years, people are you still getting there? No, no. Now that people come out that want to see what I'm doing, they're my fans. You don't. You're like, I feel like I'm showing it up at a party with about 200 friends, some nights 11. But it's, you know, it's like anything else. A moral actual out of the better you are at it. And I'm just saying. So it's going to be. be funny. I'm trying to picture it. I might do a couple before then. I think we got one lined up. I'm not sure. It's going to be funny, though, especially that night because I'll have a fucking notebook on my shoulder going like this. What's next? And then a lot of times you'll be

finishing the punchlines of the old joke, hopefully. All right, enough yibidi, yabit, excuse me. I'm going to start smoking again. I didn't have, all right. Let's, move on to straight, that's in quotation marks, talk from both sides. A top Iranian lawmaker, like they have laws over there. You fucking people make me want to

anyways. That last thing we're talking to all the shootings, I was supposed to do this. A top Iranian lawmaker appeared to warn President Trump about his personal safety Saturday telling the president, in quotes, to worry about his own security.

Go fuck yourself. And you're 12-year-old wife as tensions escalate over control of the straight of Hormuz. The United States president ought to worry about his own security rather than his endless bluffing regarding the straight of Hohmoh. How are they bluffing? We still have a blockade. So how's that bluffing? Like Dallas said, can we just end this thing?

There's a couple of buttons regarding the Strait of Hormuz before he ends up hiding in a food truck. Who's that? Did you hear that? What was it? Oh my God. Folks, leave that in there. Folks, did you hear that?

Everything's tucked in. Hey, wait a minute. That sounded like a friggin, you know what? Okay, that's creepy. I'm doing a story about the Middle East and terrorists. And if you guys hear it, If you heard that, what the fuck? Am I being followed?

It's not too hard to pick out a Middle Eastern guy in Savannah. Although you remember the incident in the park I had coming home from a bar. They were all, right after October 7th, they were all saying, and I get right in the middle. That was my favorite day. Two cops escorted me out of the park. Kid poked me in a chest. I go, do it up.

Don't you fucking in the car. And I said, I have a right to be. And they go, we know they're standing next to me. I'm as soon as I started yapping. I wish you were there. It was one against about 75, 80. Anyways, Ibrahim Azizi,

chairman of the Iranian parliament's national security and foreign policy committee. He wrote that on X about Trump watching out for his own security. Durka, Durka, Durka, Muhammad Jihad. He's the Haka Sherpa Shurpa. A bakala. The George Clooney of Tehran.

Durka, Durka, suck my larker. Trump declared Friday that the U.S. effectively controls the critical waterway, joking that he would soon make it into American. Why do you think he's joking? American territory. Didn't he rename the Gulf of Mexico like two days into his? I wish I knew Donald Trump when he was in his 30s and 40s. This guy must have been the cockiest motherfying.

And not cocky because he backed it up. I'm just saying. I always bring this up. Even Oprah liked them. Everybody, you know. but he was saying the same shit in 1985 as he's saying now when he was on Howard Stern and I mean he wasn't as right wing as he is now it was kind of like a New Yorker you know on abortion he could go either way or whatever

but um I can't imagine being his competition this guy's 80 and he still works 20 hour days can imagine when he was 40 you wonder how he built New York after we finished defeating Iran this is Trump talking, which is being very badly defeated. Well, show us some pictures. Pretty soon I'll be declaring the Homo Strait, a territory of the United States. Essentially, that's what it is, he added. We have the blockade.

No ships get through unless we want them to. Iranian officials responded with Deputy Foreign Minister Qazim. That's his name. I'll say it again. Insisting Tehran alone wouldn't determine when the straight is opened or closed.

You need to shut the fuck up. He looked like somebody, too. The Mar Velvet of Tehran. That would be a sportscaster for you, homosexuals and girls, but you don't watch this show. My wife showed me my demographics. 95.6 male, 3.1 female or something like that. Or maybe 5.1, whatever.

Yeah, it was like 5.1 female. Come on, ladies. But shockingly, you had zero, non-binary. and yes, that was an actual list on the demographic breakdown. Yes. And what that does is legitimize that bullshit.

The fact that we're still putting non-binary and fucking, I can't even remember the names. There's a whole list of them. What a bunch of shit. Come on, lady. But the ladies that watch your show, they're the ones you want.

You ever see a fucking, do you want any of them librodds whose parents were hippies? So, you know, the mother doesn't teach the girl to douche. She got a long arm hair. Sure, that was a few generations ago. All as I'm going to say is,

Gloria Steinem and the whole feminist movement turned a couple generations into fucking angry, fucking conceded, narcissistic bitches. I sit and I watch and I listen. And you went to why guys, Gen Ziers and millennial guys, checked out a while ago. They are so fucking fun.

You can't blame them. Every commercial, and I've said it before, even this weekend I'm going, You gotta be fuck. They can't leave it alone for a second. There's a new commercial out for ED, some blue pill guys take, and they go, one in four, and then it cuts to another girl, and they're all hot in their 20s.

One in four, another girl, one in four guys, one and four guys. They are like rubbing it in your faces, and there's no way one and four guys can't get a fucking hard on. Unless you, they play with the numbers. They're including nursing homes and, you know, I mean dead guys. but they they like they can't get that out enough you know what I mean you can only say it once that's a beauty to be in this age you can't get it up your wife's like I'm tired

too get off me what I wasn't even on you she goes my nerves I meant I don't want to say I'm inactive I have a sedentary lifestyle now I have one of those things that keeps track of your steps on my phone I checked it yesterday I see how many steps I took this weekend. Picture of Stephen Hawking came up. It's mocking me.

Speaking of that, Jolten Joe, here's a story. It's positive about coffee. More of them positive than negative. There's a few negative. A leaner for Z could be one drink away, according to research out of Finland. Yeah, and we know all

those Finnish guys are shredded. What? From reshaping gut bacteria. Do you hear that? Your coffee can reshape gut by making you what? your ass out. Keeping you young, the benefits of coffee are far and wide. This is put out by the guy that owns Starbucks, by the way.

No. That makes me want coffee, those beans. By the way, that looks like a pile of hemorrhoids, if you guys want to know what a hemorrho. And now there's more good news for Java junkies, according to a study from the University of Oulu. O-U-L-U, what kind does?

Those who regularly drink coffee were found to have a leaner body composition with less body fat and increased muscle mass than those who didn't have a cup. Now, let me give me a take on that. Well, that might have to do with, I don't know, but most guys I know, most guys who work out will have a couple cups of coffee before they work out. So I don't know if you're putting the cart before the, you know what I'm saying? My buddy Tony taught me that like in college. He goes, have a couple before you work, you know, and I never stopped. And he did.

Like once he get to be my, you know, in his 40s, I'm still doing it. I can't. And it still doesn't because I don't sleep. Researchers asked more than 2,200 participants to answer questionnaires regarding their health, diet, physical activity, medications, diagnosed conditions, and lifestyle habits, including daily coffee intake. The amount of coffee consume ranged from none to at least five cups per day after fasting over. night in avoiding coffee, the team estimated body fat and muscle collected blood and gay participants a glucose drink to see how their bodies handled the sugar over the next two hours.

Those who drank more coffee had a greater skeletal muscle mass, lower total body fat and less visceral fat or abdominal fat around internal organs that's closely linked to several health issues like cardiovascular disease and even inflammatory skin conditions. Okay, I don't understand your test, though. Here's something sweet after you've, but they clear it up a little bit. But while a link was found between greater coffee consumption, less body fat and more muscle, the research doesn't prove that the beverage directly reduces fat or builds muscle. Well, I don't think anybody thought that in the first place.

I didn't see Popeye sucking our cups of fucking car. coffee. What the researchers did find was the higher coffee intake was linked to lower, now we're getting to the meat of it, lower levels of three branched chain amino acids, which is BCAA, lucene, isosine, and valine, or what is known as protein building blocks. Chronically high levels of the, what they're saying is you drink the coffee, it keeps the things down that hurts those things. That's what they're trying. chronically high levels of these three amino acids are strongly associated with insulin resistance and a higher risk of diabetes. However, while lower levels of these BCAAs may be present in healthy metabolic pattern, the findings of the study didn't show that coffee specifically lowered those amino acids. So what are you fucking trying to tell us? If I'm following this correctly, I'm right back to where I was before I started reading your article.

You jerk off. God, that's making me want a cup of coffee that picture. It's like porn. And sometimes drinking more coffee led to less favorable health outcome. Here's something I just heard that's all my life. Yes, I know caffeine is diuretic, which makes you piss and your body gets rid of, I understand that. But coffee, you can count that towards your daily hydration, like when they tell you to drink water and all that shit. Because it's water.

As long as you, you know, and that was my problem. I would drink coffee in the morning and then not, and work out, listen to this. My whole family's like this. I think it's a genetic thing. I would work out and not drink anything, even after. And then I'd eat dinner. And then I wonder why I couldn't move my bowels for three weeks. Isn't that crazy?

Anyways, sometimes drinking more coffee led to less favorable health outcomes, such as in men who had higher levels of some cholesterol-carrying lipoprotein particles. Well, that's me. And lower measures of omega three fats. I don't know what they're trying to tell us here. All as I know is I drink it before I work out and I'm much better now. I force it, although I haven't done this in a few days, still doing my olive oil shots, guys. I mean like a full shot. Well, three quarters of it. It's like two tablespoons and

and a little more. And it tastes like diarrhea. Now, it's actually pretty good. but I'm just saying, I believe coffee's good for you. Something about opening your blood vessels and shit. It's, you know, whatever. Anyways, they're going to scare us about everything we've done for the last thousand years. Anytime we talk coffee on this show,

I have to, my mind goes to Dunkin' Donuts, even though they're fucking lefties who told the biggest advertising agency in the world not to fucking use Crowders, put ads on his show. The same people that own Dunkin' Donuts. or some ad company, I should say,

but Dunkin' Donuts is on their list. But anyways, I lived at Dunkin' Donuts because Duncan Donuts was invented in Massachusetts, and even today you can't go three feet without bumping into one. And it's where me and my buddy Al used to go to meet his bookie to either pay him or get paid in a fucking Dunkin' Donuts. How great is that? Anyways, here's the funniest thing SNL ever did,

maybe because I'm from Massachusetts, but other people loved it too. Christmas is a Duncan peppermint Dunkin' It's an excuse to play this I can order and pay on my smartphone So my coffee's waiting for me when I walk in I'm fucking love Duncan guy What I'm talking about?

Where else can I get breakfast And the perfect stock and stuffer You want to talk real customers Kid, that's me I'm like the mayor of Duncan's This is the face of Duncan donuts right at Hey you can't smoke in here man I'm not Mark, I'm not smoking here

You're smoking in here I'm sorry though I'm just sitting at home Yeah I come down at Duncan every day Grab a crolla, I have an extra large, three psalam to take a big dump. That's kind of the routine. I got my seat right over there. This douche bag will move when I'm ready. And with Duncan Rewards app, there's even more reason to celebrate the season.

Yo, free coffee. I got the big one. I got a free coffee right there on the app. What you doing here? Show and tell something? Huh? With a little show and tell Duncan Nuts. Show that.

Tis the season for holiday drinks. Like our bidding. Hey, interview my buddy Dooley for the movie right here. Dooley, tell me your favorite donuts. Come, Obi. I don't want to be in there. Come on, pal, it's a movie. Tell them what your favorite,

how you like the vanilla nuttaps. What? The vanilla nuttaps. Oh, don't. How? It's a jolly shit. Cut your nails, for God's sake. Good, great, don't eat?

Fatsy side. Best part of my days when I went Duncan. Think that's sad? Yes, very. Real customers know. The holidays run on Duncan. We're back to Starblock. They didn't miss a trick.

You know, it's beautiful. That's Boston. Even when I was in the 80s, you had those yuppies in their cars with their long coats going to, you know, and then you had those guys both going to Dunkin' Donuts, a plumber or a fucking, you know,

drunk Bruins fan. That clash, you know, was perfect. Anyways, that should have won them an Emmy. After that, they went downhill. Even before that, who am I kidding? Let's move on to our Cardinal

my favorite story today. Cardinal to Pope in three at bat. I thought that was clever. Cardinals rookie Joshua Baez made Major League history in his debut on Saturday against St. Louis arch rivals with the Cubs becoming the first player ever. Listen to this. Baseball's around 125 years, I think. First player ever in the history of MLB to Homer in each of his first three big league. played a parent. I don't know what the odds are homering in your first one. Got to be astronomical. Right? Very few people have done it.

One guy for the Red Sox, Daniel Nava, his name was, first at bat, bases loaded, national game the week against the Phillies, I want to say. Grand Slam, not on his first pitch, but first at bat, grand slam. You can tell you kids that for the rest of your life.

But this guy, check out what he did. This is his first three major league at bats. And in this thing, you'll see the thing and they'll show you the replay on it. So be patient. Go ahead. Here comes,

Baez has a big leaguer for the first time. Swing and a hot. You could hear that. In the show, Bayes Homer's. Look at, it is not supposed to be that easy. First pitch he's ever seen.

This is the energy. This is the excitement. This is the thumb that the Cardinals have been waiting for. This is the future. 4-49. We're getting a chance to. see it here what a swing of the bat 449 foot shot the first pitch he sees in the big leagues welcome to the show i think he's going to like roman anthony who the pitch next one he swing

second time deep to set oh same one that's the same one that's a goner the first swing in the big leagues how about that joshua bias goes yard all pico armstrong could do was turn around and wait but goodbye to the bleachers. What a great moment as Baez is all smiles rounding third base. He is jacked and the Cardinals' dugout is so energetic right now.

This is going to really boost this Cardinals team. All right. But if he can keep doing that even more so and what a nice moment for Joshua Baez. Second at bat. Down the line, did he do it again? That ball has got two homers.

And two at bats. Oh, and two, by the way. Grand Tour for three Cardinals. What a moment. He didn't see fastballs in this one. It was nothing but off speed. The home run was on the chain. So you got one to straight away left.

This boy is bringing some life to this offense. What about his family? Over 30 family and friends in attendance here at Wrigley Field. Can you imagine your family's? Delivery. Change up and that's hammered down the left field line. That's a second one. He did.

Hammers it into the ball. bleachers in left field. Baez has homered twice here today, and the Cardinals. Take a four to three lead. Unbelievable. I can't wait from to bat again. Yeah. Swing, drive, well hit right.

Suzuki back. It's for Baez. Major league history in Rickerfield. You got to be shitting me. Maybe for the first time in my professional life, I am speechless. Well, Chip, you've been doing. in this a long time. That's why we love sports, folks.

So many special things and so many first. Again, if that was on a mobile, like, who's the hack that wrote this? Joshua Baez to see history, the first ever player to Homer in three. That's good. 23 years old. Back up the truck for him.

I wonder what he's getting paid. Anyways, 23 years old. Here's some facts about him in a little closer look. MLB Pipeline Rankings. Cardinals number three pick, MLB number 59 overall. He's an outfielder, 6-3-220, bat's right, throws right, 23 years old, played high school ball.

This is the interesting, Dexter Southfield Mass. That's a high school in Brookline Mass, which is a rich kind of, it's right on the edge of Boston. It's a rich suburb kind of. The only other thing that's come out of that high school, and this is in the article, John F. Kennedy.

What? This guy's more amazing than him. Hope nobody shoots him like a Cubs fan. He was drafted in 2021, second round, 54th overall. Baez was born in Boston, but his family moved home to San Diego. What is it with Dominicans in baseball? Dominican Republic, when he was an infant,

they returned to Dorchester, neighborhood of Boston, which is a tough neighborhood. There's one little slice of Dorchester there. Maybe it's changed. but it's a pretty rough neighborhood when I was growing up. And he learned English on his own. This is what gets more impressive.

Learns English largely on his own. In just two years, becomes an honor student at a highly competitive private school. Okay? But Baez was taken in the second round, 54th overall in 2021 out of Dexter, Southvale, Mass. After being named the state's Gatorade player of the year, not exactly a baseball pile, but I said it gives a JFK.

His 37 homers, Listen to this. Across all levels this year, that means A, AA, AAA, AAA, and three in the majors, the three that he just hit, are tied for the most in baseball. Kyle Schwabber has 37 for the Phillies. So other than, you know what I mean? That's unbelievable.

That's frigging, and we, you know, this is what we thought, and Roman, trust me, Roman Anthony's going to have his days. Roman Anthony was the number one pick, so. And he showed it when he was, healthy, so he'll be fine. But holy moly, can you fucking? Did he sleep an ounce last night? No, he did blow it some hookers is what he did. Anyways, we'll go from that, a real athlete to a bitchy, faggy sport we call soccer. I don't mean the folks. If your kids play, I understand. You don't want

them getting hurt and grown nuts. A South Dakota high school soccer player went viral for all the wrong reasons, kicking and repeatedly punching his opponent in the head on Friday, resulting in calls for a lifetime ban. Well, that's coming from people, you know, parents and shit. You don't have, it's high, wait a minute, is this a league? Yeah, it's a league. The incident between Rapid City Central's Jackson Bergman, that's the jerk, and Brookline's Kyle Seuss, smaller player, occurred just before halftime of a match on Friday as the two

fought for the ball. I had $1,200 on the kid that played for the sous team. Check out this video and it's the only time soccer's ever been exciting for the wrong reason. Kicks him in the head. What the fuck was that about? Watch his kid come in. There's the best kid on the field. See his teammate come in? I'll tell you the kid who gets sports, the third man in. I was sitting there going, none of his teammates are going to defend them. And that kid, that kid's my captain now. The kid who bolted all the way down the field and try to fucking smack that kid silly. What was that about?

I don't have much room to criticize the kids because I got called for kicking a kid in the head in a JV football. He's got a helmet and the whistle had blown and a kid rolled up in the back of my legs way late and it really pissed me off. and his head was right there. But what pissed me off is my coach Betancourt, who used to rile me up on purpose. He was a defensive back,

All-American University of New Hampshire, stubby little fucking tough Portuguese guy. And he used to rile me up on purpose because he knew I had like a temper. And he shuts the, he was running the projector. And he goes, I've never seen this in a football game.

You kicked the guy. I felt like going, what the fuck? Who are you shitting? This guy flipped, over a, let me give you a little story about my coach Betancourt. He was on a softball team, you know, a state softball team. They go to the finals. The team, his team gets there late. He was the coach and player. His team, I heard this from everybody. His team got there like a half

hour late for the start. So they, they forfeit the game. There was a, there was a table with a bunch of trophies on it, like championship. He went over it and flipped it over. But I'm a bad guy for I'm not condoning it was you know fucking stupid to do that but I'm just saying this is like psychotic I mean at least this kid triggered me a little bit and like you said

he had a helmet on I only got partial what is that about what the fuck is that about I want to follow the I want to know what happened soon probably nothing they'll send him to a shrink anyways

what a piece of shit huh Bergman that's the bad guy, shoved a soused, Dr. Seussed, that's right, his father's a doctor, to the ground after the latter got ahead of him, and instead of chasing the ball, attacked Seussed. Bergman kicked him in the back of the head, then punched him five times in the head.

Kalen Peters, one of the Seuss teammates, that's the kid I love, then came in and threw some punches at Bergman before the play was broken up. Excuse me. If anybody wrote that article knew about sports, it'd say, defended, and rightly so, his teammate, A coach escorted Bergman away from the field, and he reportedly did not return.

Really? He didn't get back into the match? Which was suspended for 10 minutes before order resumed, according to Matt Kearney, South Dakota prepped reporter, who posted it on X. Many on social media are calling for Bergman's to suffer a lifetime ban from playing soccer. I don't know what happened here. All my fucking sound drops are different than what I picked. I'm using a new thing, folks. And I'm really butchering the fuck out of it. Let me hit one that makes no sense.

Maybe that's when I wanted. No, it is. You know what's happening in Dallas? I gave you the ones, but they aren't in here, some of them. So I, I, boy, did I tell you I took Advil P.M. last night? I was in bed. Get this, folks. Fell asleep before midnight.

Feel pretty good today, except for we're tired of things. Like me getting lost in the way to work. and shitting on my shoes. Ban for life and get the police involved. One commenter wrote. This kid needs time in a box to think about his life. Well, you know, in today's society, you know, somebody will do that.

That's assault and shit. Yeah. Either that or do what my, you know, do what parents used to do, have the dad settle it. My dad was a great dad. And literally, I mean, he yelled at me. We have a picture of it for proof.

Did we ever put that up for them? We did? Yeah. But he also, I remember him watching one of my games, and the kid on the other team, his name is Dominic, I won't say his last name, his father was like a mean. I don't know if he was a drunk or just a mean guy. And I'm saying before baseball, his kid was on the mound and was having a tough day, walking, throwing wild pitches. And Mr. P is swearing at his kid from, you know, he's not on. the bleachers with the rest of the parents. He's sort of down near the field, down the left field

line like behind third. And saying the effort and like cursing his kid out on every pitch, making the kid shit his pants. And then my old man comes out of the bleachers and gets in his face. And they were talking like behind the blue. My father got right in his fucking face. Good for him. So dad, what are you yelling at me for? Let's move on to Wes. Oh, I forget how this is done. Everybody knows you never go full retire. In our West Coast Stupid segment tonight, a Berkeley mathematics professor is sounding the alarm that many students are woefully unprepared when they arrive at college. Yeah, there's not exactly new news.

Arrived at college because at the University of California. Because the University of California's system, that's the whole system, not just one school. That's why I call this West Coast stupid. Progressive test-blind policies have proven disaster. Asterisk. Once again, folks, I should, this is, this is called lowering the standards, supposedly out of fairness for equity reason. This is DEI. And again, that's what they use as under the guise of being fair to everybody, but it's really lowering the standards, which the left wants to do. That's how you destroy a society. When the fucking right is going to catch

on to that, unless they're part of it is beyond me. Some students are five to eight years behind to mathematics. Office hours that should be spent discussing integrals, that's calculus, instead become lessons on fractions and basic algebra. You would expect students to learn in middle school. Professor Stenkova said that. Stankova and thousands of faculty members across 10 UC campuses, that's 10 colleges in California, have signed open letter urging the university system to reinstate the SAT and ACT in admission. Imagine getting rid of that. Literally standards. You know who did that? Former UC president, Janet Napolitano. Do you remember her? There he is. There he is. That was an Obama appointee. And she was like the president of Florida or Florida

state is some shit. No, it was Miami actually. You imagine that? She got rid of the standards out of equity reasons. Anna Dyke. I'll say it again. Do not put a lesbian in a powerful position, whether it's a fucking judge, a teacher, because nobody has more problems with American society than a lesbian.

Not the pretty ones. They're fucking having a great time. Anyway, she also served in the Obama administration, led the way in 2020 to phase out the standardized testing in part of, because of equity concerns. Unfriggin' believable. Since then, admissions officers have been forbidden from considering the one standardized measure

that provided a common academic benchmark across California's thousands of high schools, Stanachova wrote. After UC adopted test-blind admissions, the picture changed dramatically. Yeah, it went right down the toilet. Stan Kovar laid out brutal data showing a sharp decline in student math readiness, after UC stopped considering standardized tests from 2018 to 2020,

71% from 18 to 2020, 71% of roughly 2,200 tested calculus 1 students were deemed ready or nearly ready, while just 0.14% tested below basic algebra. Among roughly 28 students from 20 tested from 2021, to 2023 using a different diagnostic, only 51% were ready or nearly ready. That felt to 44% in 2023. And a whopping 17% answered none of eight tested topics correctly.

Do you fucking believe that? Why is everyone so fucking stupid? Lesbians. Why aren't more people interrogating? Like me. Some people that lead the schools take it serious. This guy doesn't take any bullshit. Proger, two C's, two D's, and an F.

That's a 1.2 great average. Congratulations, Grover. You're at the top of the Delta Pledge class. Mr. Dorfman. Hello. Zero point two. That drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son. Mr. Hoover, president of Delta House,

1.6, four Cs and an F. A fine example you set. Daniel Simpson Day has no grade point average. All courses incomplete. Mr. Blutarski. Zero point zero. That's right. Lowering the standards out of fairness.

That's what that is. In other words, DEI. They put a nice name on it. Just no, folks, I can't reinforce. The whole purpose of my show is to remind you that the left has been doing this type of shit for not just the last few years, the last 50 years. They do it quietly, incrementally, and this is where we are. We're at a point, and Guptuil had such a good point about now, like, he goes, the arguments aren't even symmetrical anymore. In other words, it used to be big government versus, or big police departments, you know, versus small, you know, making it smaller.

Now the argument is not about the size of the police department but whether we should have it or not. Do you see those are not symmetrical like he said. I'm using his words. Those aren't symmetrical, that's not a symmetrical argument. Like arguing over the heat, this is a great analogy he did.

I had to, arguing over the temperature in your room, you know, somebody likes it hot, somebody likes it cool. That's in the same ballpark. That's an argument, not shut off the heat and do you understand? Yeah, it's a fucking, I thought it was a brilliant point by him. That's why he's making $20 million a year. And I have to dance at night in the fucking Exotic Club up the street.

All right, that is it for today, boys and girls. Don't forget cameo.com. If you want to roast, meet a friend or a relative. Go to cameo.com. You guys think that I'll say it. You're very welcome. We'll see you back here at the same time tomorrow. Take it easy, everybody.

Hi. Good night, everybody. Thank you.