The Nick DiPaolo Show - Mayor Pete "Roads are Racist" | Nick Di Paolo Show #623

Episode Date: November 9, 2021

Statefarm Defends Rodgers. Racist Roads. Microsoft Pronouns. Stabby sexy toy. White House back tracks. Italian car monument.

Thanks for watching. Whether on social media or in our schools, on television or from the White House, now more than ever our freedoms, especially freedom of speech, are being suppressed. And that's putting it mildly. That's why I do this show. And that's why I put it out for free. For those of you who are able, please consider contributing to the show in any amount so we can keep it free and maintain a forum where right-leaning,

honest, unfiltered comedy exists. Just click on the contribute button on your screen or go to nickdip.com and click on the contribute button at the top. Thank you guys so much. Let's keep this freedom fight going. Do you hear me now? That's the truth. It will take a year to get them physically out. Now, if you leave all the equipment behind, you might be able to do it in seven months. And you leave those billions of dollars behind, I promise they're going to be used against your grandchild and mine someday. More evidence Biden's full of shit Other than the fart heard around the world Oh, yeah. Here we are again, ladies and gentlemen, on a Tuesday. Coming at you from sunny Savannah, Georgia.

How are you? Captain Tennille moves two notches down. How you guys doing? I watched your game last night. Pretty good. I had the Bears plus the six and a half. So they covered. Again, I'm going to pull in about 100 people.

I'm eight off the pace. The guy's eight ahead of me in first place. I'm sitting around 12th or 13th or something like that. I know that's important to you people because a lot of people have been phoning my house. Anyhow, what else can I tell you? Don't ever eat three bowls of Raisin Bran before you go to bed. I love Raisin Bran. It's like my go-to healthy snack now.

But again, I have the appetite of a 600-pound guy, and three bowls. And I'm talking plastic microwave bowls, not little cereal. You know what I mean? So today, oh my God, I can't tell you but we have to put up new wallpaper anyways what's with the poop I don't know if Biden's doing it to us man he's got me in the mood all right let's roll shall we mmm in the n-word segment tonight I have good news everybody governor white privileged male aka Gavin Knows

Little Newsome, hasn't been seen in public in about 12 days. Don't get too excited. I think the shapeshifter is still alive, but we can always dream, can't we? He was last seen in public getting a booster shot and bragging how it was safe to mix the different kinds of vaccines. You know, like an alcoholic who chases a Bloody Mary with a frozen mudslide. But there are a few signs it must be more serious than his spokespeople are admitting. Last week, he abruptly canceled his plans to attend the Glasgow UN Climate Summit. I mean, it has to be serious for a Christ-like figure with hair like his who believes he can heal the planet Earth by exchanging ideas with like-minded blowhards

from all over the world to cancel this. He lives for this. The excuse was he's dealing with some family obligations, which in the political world, excuse me, usually means he get caught, you know, spreading his Scots turf bill to sea by his wife. Well, knowing him, it's even more serious. He got a haircut so bad it would make Boris Johnson blush. Another sign was on October 29th, his spokesperson said he would participate virtually in a conference, you know, the summit climate conference this week. But then California's delegation scheduled was released. And like Kamala Harris at the Texas border, he was MIA.

Then another sign. On last Tuesday, when the federal government announced in conjunction with Pfizer to fatten their mutual friends' pockets even some more, I mean, roll out a plan for emergency use to vaccine kids 5 to 11, that age group is easy to remember because the chances of kids 5 to 11 getting COVID is fucking slim to none. Don't mean to yell. And on that same day, Governor Blowdryer was going to roll out his own robust vaccination plan. Now, this is something he would normally do on TV. Then again, this guy would post a video of himself jerking off a homeless heroin addict on a public park swing set

if he thought it would raise his profile and get him more power. But you know what he did instead? He just introduced his plan with a simple email. So Dream is still alive at this point. Finally, one other sign all is not right in the land of the lunatic left. His Twitter account went dark from October 28th until last Tuesday when he tweeted election day support for fellow fuckface Democrats Phil Murphy and Terry McAuliffe in their re-election bids. God damn it. Mystery solved. He's hiding out of embarrassment and shame. Oh, well, the fantasy was fun while it lasted, but I'm still betting on he's sick as hell from that booster shot.

That's exactly what it is. And that's the N-word tonight. Let's roll on, shall we? I have a dentist appointment next Friday. Actually, I went to the dentist yesterday for cleaning. Jesus H. A lot of blood. It's been in the sink. It looks like they gutted a cat. Anyhow, I got the, anyways, teeth are fucking crunchy.

I had asthma as a kid. I used to get shots of tetracycline every Tuesday, three shots in each eye. And it sort of made my teeth kind of a dingy gray. And that's why I want to knock out the rest of them, because the crowns are white. Anyways, let me get this shit out of my eyes. Some type of sticky substance. Had a good night last night. What? Who? Hey. I just saw this story. I had to do it. I don't know if it's relevant or not, but anything that proves all stereotypes come from a kernel of truth. By the way, no pun intended. This is a chicken black thing. I'll read it off the paper old

school like I did back in the 1750s. Mama, Papa, a Utah man was arrested for firing a gun at his father if he came home with the wrong order of chicken wings. Okay, so I'm going right there because I'm a racist. Please let this son be a black guy. And I think the father's white. I'm not sure. Anyways, the son's name, again, boy, me being so far, Alika Onga Suliafu. That's not him. I should have sent you the pictures and actually pictured him. We got him in a grass skirt chasing a zebra.

He started an argument with his father when he returned to the davis county apartment with a batch of wings that he did not like the father-son argument escalated until at one point investigates a suliafu retrieved a gun from another room, pointed it directly at his father who begged him not to shoot. You sure are, man. I mean, they're making it too easy. Fucking gun violence, chicken. Father, no mother. I mean, come on.

Just as Suliafu fired his father, Duck, sending the bullet flying through a wall into a neighbor's apartment where it lodged in a dishwashing machine. After the first shot, Suliafu's father lunged at his son and tried to wrestle the gun away from him. As they struggled, Suliafu fired two more shots on this boy. This must have been some horrible chicken, which lodged in the subfloor of the apartment above. Imagine living next to this fucking... The father was able to force the gun's magazine out as they continued to fight before police arrived. Imagine trying to take your father's life for a wrong chicken thing. Before police arrived on the scene where they found the father with injuries matching his description of events.

Suliapha was being held without bail on charges of attempted murder and criminal discharge of a firearm. There's something wrong with the black man's mind. There's something wrong with his mind. Hey, the man asked for extra crispy. You get him extra crispy. Reminds me of, I pulled a knife on my wife. She forgot to put peas in our chicken pot pies. I just nicked her. I mean, a little, like I'm crazy and whatnot. But can you fucking imagine?

Is there a more violent country on the planet, really? Yes, there are. Pick anyone in Africa. They use ax handles over there still. Sort of like the Italians did in Brooklyn back in the day. Okay, now for an update of a story that we did yesterday. Aaron Rodgers, as you know, who's been coming out against woke culture, and he's not exactly a righty, by the way.

A lot of times he takes the PC stance. I think he defended people kneeling, didn't he? Yeah, because he didn't care. He said he didn't care. You know, which, again, that's being chicken shit. Come out and go. I think this. Come back. Because that's what he means. Doesn't he? Maybe not. He could be woke. I mean, he does

play in Wisconsin. Anyways, as you know, State Farm, all the jerk-offs on Twitter were trying to get him canceled. State Farm comes out yesterday, defends Rodgers. Jake from State Farm won't have to worry about doing any commercial with anyone else because Aaron Rodgers isn't going anywhere, they say. I'm staying right here.

In response to the sports media's quest to get Aaron Rodgers canceled from his many lucrative sponsorship deals after seeking COVID treatment advice from the left's chief COVID nemesis, Joe Rogan. My buddy Joe is like a bad guy for speaking the truth, setting Dr. Gupta straight, making CNN look like the fucking liars that they are. You go, Joe, even though you don't talk to me anymore. State Farm Insurance has decided to stand by their man. In a statement to USA Today, a State Farm spokesman made it clear that the company encourages vaccinations and backs the right to make a personal choice. Can you imagine this is where we are in America? If you defend somebody who has the opinion you should be able to make your own choice,

you're a hero now. Instead of, oh my God. We encourage vaccinations, but respect everyone's right to make a choice based on their personal circumstances, State Farm told USA Today, the paper that always has a blue and yellow pie chart to prove they're full of shit. Pressure mounted from some type of statement from State Farm after one of the Green Bay quarterback's large local sponsors, Privia Health, cut their deal with Rogers over the weekend because they're a Nazi little company, apparently. Following that, the woke set out after one of the most prominent national sponsors,

Rogers, has, State Farm. I mean, the guy scores a touchdown, he does this. Remember the State Farm belt and shit? And why is this brother over here, who's a very likable guy, but why is he set for life now? He runs these commercials the next five years. Why don't you

give somebody else a chance, like, I don't know, Samuel Jackson. He hasn't got any TV in three minutes. Pro Football Talks, Mike Florio. I didn't know he was a pinhead and a pompous, sanctimonious jack-off. He reminds me of John Henson, the guy that used to do talk soup. Oop.

Let me stop doing that. Mike Florio, pretty much the mayor of Cancel Town. He's an ass. Problem? You're the fucking problem. Yes, you are. You fucking Dr. White, onking jam rag, onking spunk bubble. I'm telling you, H, you keep looking at me, I'm going to put you in the fucking ground.

I promise you. Anyways, he was sort of against our boy Rogers and, you know, excited about Premier Health. And he tweeted, hashtag woke mob. Another he was happy about, trying to get Rodgers to get canned. Why is that, you silly little girl? In the tweet, Florio gleefully mused that State Farm could be the next sponsorship domino to fall for Rodgers.

What are you, jealous? What are you, envious? You talk about football for a living. Be happy. That's not exactly an essential job. Now it appears that State Farm has put Florio and hashtag Woke Mob right to sleep. You know who's playing that, by the way? It's Dallas. He took trumpet. Trombone. Like I said, he took trombone.

Probably one of these. I always liked the trombone, but it's a little too close to getting a, you know. Anyways. What? Why do you got to go there? Because I have nothing else to do in my life. Hey, guys, I'm back on the road. Can't you see the excitement in my eye? Not for nothing. And I love my fans and I love when I'm on stage. That is, it's a high that you can't get anywhere else, but I'm fucking all the way to Vegas. You know me, folks. I'm going to start doing those Zoom shows to each one of you.

I'm going to start doing those Zoom shows to each one of you. So I'll be in Vegas. This is my manager Tommy's room, and it's beautiful. It's downtown Vegas, old school Vegas, the Plaza Hotel. It's got a steakhouse. It's tremendous. And the showroom looks like a place where you'd see Frank Sinatra. They shot scenes from Casino in there, and Tommy knows how to run a show like nobody's business.

So I'm back on the road this weekend. This Friday and Saturday, I'll be at the Comedy Works at the Plaza Hotel and Casino in downtown Las Vegas. This is where I did my live stream from last year. Oh, my God, already. It's a great old-school Vegas showroom, and I'll be doing one show a night, which means I really put out.

I'm a dirty whore, and I can let it fly without knowing I got a dirty whore. And I can let it fly. We'll not know when I got another show coming in. You can get tickets now at DaveChapelle.org. David Tell slash. Get tickets now at NickDip.com. And I hope to see you this weekend. You know, do some shots.

Go over the nickel slots. Push some lady in her late hundreds out of the way with a hump in her back. I stood on a lady's air hose once. the nickel slots next to me because she kept hitting. People say that's wrong. I say it's funny. Let's move on to some ignorant news about just how stupid this, just how ignorant this administration is, just how stupid the media is. And every day that goes by with this asshole in office proves he won nothing. The gall for him to come out and go, I got 81 million votes, even though he doesn't even know where he is, I don't give a shit. I don't care. You guys,

every day, every minute that goes by proves he didn't win shit. People knew he was this stupid. didn't win shit. People knew he was this stupid. They did. White House correspondent April Ryan, there she is, was ridiculed on Monday after asking Transportation Secretary Pete, yum yum, Peter Buttigieg about the racism, get this, buckle up, racism built into the roadways in the United States. But Christ's sake, they're black and white. You couldn't be any more fair. All the highways are black. What are you talking about, bitch? Oh, my God.

She actually, oh, God. Yeah, let's take, like, listen to this question. You're going to shit blood. Go ahead. You give us the construct of how you will deconstruct the racism that was built into the roadways that you talked to the real...

Pause. You're fucking crazy. Racism built into the roadways. And look at the little girl Pete Buttigieg nodding and here's his explanation for it. Go ahead.

He broke that information with us. Can you talk to us about how that could be deconstructed? For sure, yeah. Please give me a call. For sure, yeah. Please give me a call. For sure, yeah. Ryan then referenced an early interview Buttigieg gave to the Griot in April. It's a publication.

He said there is racism physically built into some of our highways. He said that after saying this. Please give me a call. I'm still surprised. Listen to this. Oh my God, what we have done to people. I'm still surprised that some people were surprised when I pointed to the fact that if a highway was built for the purpose of dividing a white and black neighborhood, or if an underpass was constructed such that a bus carrying mostly black and Puerto Rican kids to a beach, well, that would have been in New York, was designed too low for the bus to pass. That obviously reflects racism that went into those design choices.

But it just responded to the press briefing. But let me see now. But the buses that white people were on made it under there. So they built the, they put, I guess the black buses at night, the white racist mechanics

did what rednecks do down here. They put their trucks up on the lift. They buy a lift kit and you need two ladders to get out of the truck. Is that what happened? Oh, my fucking word. Oh, my word. The fact that they have the balls to call Trump and Republicans, it's fucking frightening to me. He added, I don't think we have anything to lose by confronting that simple reality. And I think we have everything to gain by acknowledging it and then dealing with it, which is why they are reconnecting communities that billion dollars is something we want to get to work right away, putting to work. What is what?

work right away. Pudding to work. What is, what, what? And then April Ryan said this. What folks says about this family, I does. I has told you and told you that you can always tell a lady by the way that she eat in front of folks like a bird. And I ain't aiming for you to go to Mr. John Wilkinson's and eat like a field hand and dabble like a hog. Some people would call that racist. I call it just goddamn funny. I met her. She's a hell of a lady. Me and her played racquetball a couple years ago. Yeah, she was in Savannah. Ryan has been criticized for her liberal bias, and this is how,

for openly cheering on Democrat officials. She's supposed to be a journalist, and she cheers on Democrats. This is how fucking, such a bubble. D.C. is a poison place. I've done stand-up there a couple times. I could smell it when the plane landed. I swear to God.

Everything that came out of my mouth at the improv was a cringe. And I had never fucking anything like it. And then I had the balls to go back about 10 years later. Because Greg Giraldo's wife asked me to do this benefit to raise money for his foundation, whatever the fuck it I did. And I let him have it. Even me in the theater,

when there's like 1,000 or 1,500 people, even if half the crowd liked you. And they probably were Giraldo fans, so they knew what was coming. It was a little better. But it is a bubble, man. They are so disillusioned. Whether you talk about General Milley, the media, Biden, Pelosi, who's been there forever.

They're in their own world. They have no idea how you and I think and how their policies affect any of us. Let me get off my soapbox now. Anyways, cheering on Democrat official in December, the CNN political analyst praised former President Obama, who's behind all this. Him and Susan Rice, you're watching their shit play out in real time. You understand? It's not Biden. Anyway, she praised former President Biden in light of his new memoir. She says, you cannot work in that special, unique place and not have memories. And you are one of my fondest memories.

And I thank you, she wrote on Instagram. And I responded. Oh, yeah. That felt good. Cheering outright. And nobody would say, hey. And I love how they compare Fox News to like MSNBC and CNN, which is so unfucking fair. It's look, I'm not a thousand percent on Fox News's bandwagon because they didn't have the balls to admit the election was stolen. So that's where they lost me. I go back and forth. America won those news. I look for the pussy.

Let me tell you something. Microsoft, here's a story for you. Again, political correctness run amok. This is going to make you cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. And remember, Bill Gates is behind Microsoft, is he not? This Mama Luke, this guy, he's a wacky environmentalist. Trust me, this is all COVID. It's all a pretext, folks, to turn this country into a Marxist. If you get a chance, I was listening to Glenn Beck on the way here. It was the best I've heard him in 10 years, talking about the Weimar Republic and where they were and where we are and where they were. And dude, it follows a pattern that'll send chills up your ass. Anyways, Microsoft is encouraging employees to begin presentations by stating their race, gender, and other physical

characteristics. What's the world coming to? Hi, I'm Nick DiPaolo. This is supposedly for blind people. That's the excuse. I'm a greasy guinea with a Greg OT. And I'm about 5'9", 219. So just leave me alone. You'll be all right. Videos from last week's Microsoft Ignite conference show employees get this reciting visual descriptions,

which are meant to make blind audience members, all six of them aware. This isn't just for the blind. They're going to want everybody to do this everywhere. Make make blinds aware of presenters biases. aware of presenters' biases. In one video, program manager Alison Wines opened her remarks by saying she was an Asian and white. Here she is saying it, I think, right?

Why is her head off to the right? Her head's off to... She needs an alignment. Anyways, go ahead. Let's listen to... she's kind of cute. She looks like the pallor of a corpse. Go ahead. Hello and welcome to Microsoft Ignite.

First, we want to acknowledge that the land where the Microsoft campus is situated was traditionally occupied by the Sammamish, the Duwamish, the Snoqualmie. Oh, the Juwamish. The Suquamish, the Muckleshoot, the Snoholmish. The Muckleshoot, pause. I had my doctor look at my Muckleshoot, my last physical. Oh my God, it was, he said it was Squamish. Go ahead.

And other Coast Salish peoples, my name is Allison Wines. I'm a senior program manager in our developer tools division. I'm an Asian white female with dark brown hair wearing a red sleeveless top Me lovey dead Indian long time So if you so by her stating that the Microsoft built on property, that what? So that means you're not, so that means we're aware of it and we're not racist? No, you're still on their land. Don't even bring it up. Right?

Oh, my fucking word. I wouldn't have known that you guys built on Indian land. What else you want to tell me? Yeast infection this week? What's this douchebag have to say? As program manager of the AI Platform Group, I'm a tall Hispanic male wearing a blue shirt, khaki pants. I'm a Caucasian woman with long blonde hair,

and I go by she, her. I'm a Caucasian man with glasses and a beard. I go by he, him. You should go by, oh Ow my rectonium Oh my god Look he's got He doesn't mention he has a mohawk The most important thing

He probably got that haircut Because they know they're on Indian land Let me ask you another question fella Does that jacket come in leather? You big bitch Let me ask you another question, fella. Does that jacket come in leather, you big bitch? Hi, I'm a greasy Italian.

It sounds like the dating game. I like water sports, long walks on the beach, and murdering children under 10. In a blog post released after the conference, Microsoft notes that it does not require its presenters to provide visual descriptions, but recommends mentioning distinguishing characteristics like hair color, race, ethnicity, gender, clothing, and background details to avoid unconscious bias. Oh, my fucking word. Do you understand, folks? I'm 59. I couldn't be happier to get off this ride. If I get hit by a bus tomorrow, it'll be a fucking blessing. Maybe in Vegas. The presenters at the Microsoft's conference all highlighted their race, preferred gender

pronouns, and outfits. I don't even understand the purpose of it. It's not just for blind people. I don't even understand the purpose of it. It's not just for blind people. Fucking unreal. How does that relieve you of any biases? I don't... You know what it's doing?

It's saying to the blind person, when you say I'm a white male in khakis and shit, ooh, white supremacist. That's the official uniform of the white supremacist, you know, polo shirt, khakis, you know, all the white guys. I've had it. Bill Gates, if I ever see you around my house again.

Hey, Savannah has like a minor league hockey team now. Is this not the coolest fucking town on the planet? You understand? We got some intercoastal league baseball you can't get a ticket to, Savannah Bananas. They're sold out before the season starts, right down the street from my house.

I mean, I'm telling you, I fucking love this place. Would I like to go to some of those hockey games, maybe get season tickets? Yes, but, you know, what happens is the first game will come up and I'll have to fly to some of those hockey games, maybe get season six? Yes, but you know, what happens is the first game will come up and I'll have to fly to Yuck Yucks in Toronto and you know how that works. You can't have any fun. Anyways, one of the presenters who used visual descriptions, Nick Fillingham, directed the Washington Free Beacon to a video explanation of his visual descriptions in which an activist

explains the practice is intersectional and that visual descriptions help fight racism, sexism, and classism. Because I don't know about you, nothing scares me more than when blind people think I'm a racist. I mean, you see him outside my neighbor's house picketing because they think it's my house. The little signs in Braille. Fuck, Nick. Fillingham introduced himself by saying, I'm a Caucasian man with glasses and a beard. I go by he, him, and I'm a security evangelist here at Micro...

What? What the... Will you shut up? Will you? Will you please shut up? What is this? Is that a fucking denomination of Christianity? I'm a security evangelist. What does that mean? You're a bodyguard for fucking Pat Robertson? I don't...

He's a security evangelist at Microsoft. I don't even know what that means. Maybe he's an evangelist. As Rodney said, death, where is thy sting? Neither Microsoft nor its PR firm responded to a request for comment. You know why? Because they're too embarrassed and couldn't explain it themselves. We have, this is the shit they're focusing on.

Well, China, you know what China's doing right now? They're building like models of what our Navy ships look like in the desert. That's a good sign, huh? Why would they do that? But make sure Billy says he's a white male so some blind bitch can hate him from afar. I don't know what to say. We need something to lighten this thing up. I don't know.

How about a sex toy story? Those are always delicious. Ever wake up and your dog is chewing on your wife's dildo? Let me tell you something. And it's because you put dog food all over it? When I was a member of Sigma Nuo at the University of Maine, my big brother's name was Danny M, we'll call him. And he was a crazy motherfucker from Maine, about 6'3", 265. And we're sitting on the couch one day in the living room.

He comes down in the morning. We had two dogs, little dogs, a black one and a white one. He comes down. He's got him in his arms. He's naked. Sits on the landing. We're all on the couch looking up at him. And he has a dish.

He just had bacon or whatever, and he puts the bacon on his balls. And the dogs are looking at him to make us laugh. He had his breakfast dish. Alright, so maybe they're right about heterosexual men. That's why I don't make fun of gay people and their sexual proclivities.

But I've never laughed harder. If I ever have a scene in an acting class or a movie where I have to laugh, I think of that. Because it so burns it down in my mind. It's like seeing somebody murdered in front of you. And he's like, just laughing. Danny M. Saw a picture of him. And he's like, just laughing. Danny M. Saw a picture of him. He still looks younger than...

Anyways, let's... I thought you guys would enjoy that. What's the next story? Stabby sex toy. A dispute over a borrowed sex toy ended. Oh, it was a Kentucky. This makes sense. I didn't understand the relationship.

Ended with a Kentucky woman stabbing her male cousin with a kitchen knife, according to cops who arrested the alleged assailant on multiple criminal charges. Boy, she really cherished this thing, apparently. Police were dispatched late last month to a home in the city of Corbin after the occupant, Crystal Denim. Crystal Denim, that's every stripper in Kentucky. Please welcome to the center stage, Crystal. Crystal, come on, guys. She's got 11 kids by a defensive back from the University of Kentucky. Come on. Stick them dollars up in them G-string, yo. Crystal. Crystal Denim to the stage.

Anyways, occupant Crystal Denim called 9- That's her. Called 911 to report that she had stabbed a relative. It is Kentucky. Another stereotype blown to smithereens. Southern people like to fuck each other's relatives. Well, this isn't the same. This is a toy.

But why would your cousin... Seen above, the 33-year-old Denham told officers that Michael Barton had come to her residence, that's her cousin, and they had gotten into an argument over a sex toy. I wonder what they were arguing about. She was probably stirring beef stew with it. Look, she had a sex toy. I wonder what they were arguing about. She was probably stirring beef stew with it. Look at, she had a yard sale.

That's just my wife's top drawer. She's got an armoire. Looks like Tony Montana's gun fucking collection. An argument over a sex toy, according to a court citation. Specifically, Denham added she had borrowed it and wanted it back. I guess he forgot to rinse it off, and there was all kinds of peanuts and stuff on it.

Now, for the love of God, even for a podcast, that's just gross. Sadly, the sex toy in question is not further described in the site. The guy who, a woman who wrote this said, sadly, it wasn't described. I'm guessing it looked like one of those. Ladies, look at the variety you have.

Look at the variety you have. Unbelievable. We have a Popeil's pocket pussy in our right hand. Look at this. It's like Carvel or Baskin-Robbins, 98 flavors. Look, you got a blueberry one, a grape one. What's funny is women always go, no, size doesn't matter. I don't see too many three-and-a-half-inch dildos.

They're all in China. Describe the citation which identifies Barton as Denham's cousin and neighbor. And lover. Denham claimed that after she told Barton to get off her property, he grabbed her by the elbow. Denham said she then used the kitchen knife in her hand to stab him. But she, you got to give us more. I want to know the dialogue. Why was this so valuable? She didn't, she says she

didn't even think she drew blood is what she said. Look at her. That was the name of the dildo. Coco puff. Barton cops report, Barton cops reported suffered three minor cuts on his arm and back. He confirmed that the pair had gotten into the argument over the sex toy, adding that he went to leave

when Denham began acting crazy. Well, you're borrowing her dildo and you're her cousin. Who's crazy? Denham was charged with felony assault as well as menacing disorderly conduct and resisting arrest,

all of which are misdemeanors. Oh, all that's misdemeanors? I'm going to start doing shit and have fun. She's locked up in the Whitley County Detention Center in advance of a December 20th appearance in district court. No word if she has the toy with her in the cell. Why would your cousin, that just thrilled me. I know it's Kentucky, but stories like that make me happy.

Once again, we had the black guy shooting his dad because of chicken. Now you've got relatives in Kentucky fighting over sex. I can't make this shit up. I could, but it's too much work. Let's move on, shall we? White House backtracks. White House Deputy Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre backtracked Monday

after slamming reporting on the Line 5 pipeline in Michigan as inaccurate, admitting that the administration is indeed exploring the potential impact of shutting it down amid a global energy crisis. Let that sink in for a second. After they shut down the XL, right?

Look at the prices now, gas, whatever the fuck. And then the dumb whore, what's her name? The blonde woman. She's an energy secretary from like Michigan. She laughed. The guy asked her, what are you going to do about oil prices and increasing production of oil? And she giggled, laughed right in his face, saying OPEC controls that. Well, they do now.

We were energy independent under Trump. This is why I don't understand you people. The ones who are upset now, the lefties who are going, I'm going to vote Republican. What were you thinking in the first place? What didn't you like under Trump? Gases were at some places under $2, if you remember.

What bugged you about him? The low unemployment? Scaring the shit out of the rest of the world, getting our respect. What exactly didn't you like? Look at this broad. She was on Sesame Street like eight years ago. Now she's a spokesman. Jean-Pierre made the comment during a White House daily press briefing in response to

the only guy that's doing his job, Fox News White House correspondent Peter Doocy, who asked why the Biden administration is now considering shutting down the Line 5 pipeline from Canada to Michigan, while oil and gas prices continue to skyrocket. And she says to him, That's a sick question. You're a sick fuck, and I'm not that sick that I'm going to answer it. Typical. I miss the redhead. I miss that lying whore, too. So, Peter, that is inaccurate, Jean-Pierre

Fireback. That is not right. So any reporting indicating that some decision has been made, again, is not accurate. What's inaccurate, Doocy asked. This is why I love him. It's called a follow-up. Why don't you try it, CNN? The reporting about us wanting to shut down the try it, CNN. The reporting about us wanting to shut down the Line 5, Pierre responded. I didn't say wanting, Doocy said. I love when they are so literal with people who don't even. I said, is it being studied right now? Is the administration studying the impact of shutting down Line 5? And then she said, yes, we are. We are, Jean-Pierre replied. I thought you were saying that we were going to shut it down.

So let's split some pubic hairs right here. But that is not inaccurate, she says. The Army Corps of Engineers is preparing an environmental impact to look through this. No, they're not. You're going to do it anyway. Who the fuck do you think you're? I thought she's like, you know who? She sounds like Spider in the Goodfellas scene. No, I thought you said, no, I'm all right, Tommy. Politico originally reported Sunday that the Biden administration was weighing

the potential market consequences of shutting down. Let me do the weighing for you, you dumb fucks. It's going to send prices even higher at the pump and everything else. Oh my God. Guys, do you understand this is all intentional? Do you understand the fucking fights with masks, no mask,

all that, do you understand? The vaccine mandates shutting down small, they're creating chaos. That's how you destroy society as it is and try to build some, this is all, why would you be thinking about doing that? Because you don't give a fuck.

They don't, they're not affected by it, Biden and the elites. They don't give a shit. Oh, they make me want to pee. You're so stupid. I am not. I'm right on the money. Oh, shut it.

The report has drawn criticism from Republican lawmakers in Congress, and more than a dozen. By the way, I never did the story about the 13, again, 13 more who helped that, who jumped and let the infrastructure thing get passed. Those people, you better watch your fucking backs. Is that a threat? No, I'm just saying. You got to watch your back out there. It's very violent. You know what I'm saying? I'm just saying. You guys are defunding the police. You got to be careful. They're commiserating. I can't have it. I can't have it. That's from goodfellas too anyways kids uh

more than a dozen sent a letter to biden on november 4th warning against such a move as gas prices surge 50 and here's the thing i don't even believe republicans anymore i'll say it again it's the best analogy in the history remind me to do this one uh peter navarro tomorrow if you guys know who he was, he was beside, he's a businessman. And he was, you know, Trump's trade guy, economic guy, and sharp as a tack.

And we're going to have him on tomorrow. But he wrote a book blaming China and proving it, all the shit about COVID and stuff. Because I said, I don't want to talk to economics. I don't do that. And I have the grades to prove it from the University of Maine, hey? Big fat D in finance.

While Jean-Pierre referred to an environmental study about the pipeline, the political report said the administration was looking at the economic impacts of killing the pipeline. Oh, yeah. That's a deep study. An environmental study has been in the works about a potential Line 5 replacement, though that is a separate issue from the dispute between Michigan and Canada about the existing pipeline. We're going to replace it with what, a crazy straw? Who are you shitting? Line 5 is part of a network that moves crude oil

and other petroleum products from western Canada, transporting about 540,000 barrels per day. Petroleum is taken from the pipeline in Escanaba, Michigan. And it's sent right to Pelosi's bedroom to lube her up. That's at least 10 barrels.

Nick, that is gross. Why do you bring shit like that into it? Because I'm bored with the whole fucking planet. I'm going to get on a plane to Vegas and catch fucking AIDS on the planet. Final story, ladies and gentlemen. Final story, buckle up. Let's end it on a funny one. This is an odd one.

Tommy picked this one, and I think because he's a greasy Sicilian. Italian car monument. I better start writing some funny headlines. Tommy picked this one, and I think because he's a greasy Sicilian. Italian car monument. I better start writing some funny headlines again. A car that has been parked in the same place on a street for, get this, not a week, not a month, not two, 47 years has become a tourist attraction in local landmark in Italy. Can you make that up? You goddamn guineas really make me laugh.

In 1974, Angelo Fregeland, now 94, parked his car at the newsstand. He ran with his wife in the town of Congliano, according to the mayor, and never came back. Fregeland left his gray Lancia Fulvia. Almost a Volvo, 1962. He left it in 1962 on the street when the couple retired. The compact four-door car has since become an attraction for tourists and residents of the town who come to snap selfies with it to post on social media. Boy, they're living life at a breakneck pace, huh? Look at that. It's

been there for 47 years, not a ticket on it. I park in front of a fire hydrant for a second to run into Walmart. I come out and I get, it looks like the goddamn Cheesecake Factory menu on my, 40 pages of tickets. Excuse me. This is John Hamm seen in Italy. The vehicle has even earned a marker on Google Maps. This is the old man talking. He's still alive? They retired in 62. These fucking guineas. Just like my, you can't kill them. I ran the newsstand under the house for 40 years together with my wife, Bertilla, 10 years younger than me, he throws in. Fregolant told the Italian newspaper Il Gazzettino. When I opened the business, I was happy to have the Lancia Fulvia parked in front of it because I had the newspapers unloaded in the trunk,

and then I took them inside. His wife, Bertilla Madolo, joked to the paper that Fregolat loved the car as if it was his second wife, which the husband responded, make me a sandwich, make me a fucking sandwich. Make me a sandwich, a prosciutto and cabagool. After nearly five decades, town officials decided to move the vehicle because it was blocking the flow of traffic and pedestrians. Well, they caught on quick. It only took... Gazzettino said, it was blocking traffic. Come on, God damn it.

Let's go, let's go, let's go. Let's go. Those are the American tourists trying to get around to it, to get to the McDonald's in Rome. On October 20th, the car was taken to the Auto e Moto, the Epico Motor Show in Padua, for a short period of time to be displayed alongside other classic cars, the Italian outlet Virgilio Morori reported.

After that, the car will be restored and placed in the garden. All this for parking illegally? Of the Sir Letty Analogical School, which is opposite Frigolone's home, where it will continue to be a local landmark. The couple will be able to see it from their window, Virgilio Morori said. Well, congratulations. Really?

There's more? Oh my God. Local residents said the car had become an iconic fixture of the town. Luca Zaya, 42, told Il Gazzettino, the car has been parked there since I was going to school. He says, I've whacked 20 bums since then. I'm working. No. The Lancia Fulvia became a renowned car after it won the 1972 International Rally Championship.

That thing won a race? Oh, my God. Italy. Come on. Don't put stories out like that. You're embarrassing me. At least they're not fighting over dildos. Anyways, that is it for today, ladies and gentlemen.

Again, thank you. Don't forget thecomicsgym.com, nickdip.com. I'll be at the Comedy Works in Vegas this Friday and Saturday night. Please come out and say hello. And don't forget cameo.com if you'd like me to roast a friend or relative. I would love to do that. Go to Cameo. Click on my profile.

It'll tell you what to do. You guys think it, I'll say it. You're very welcome. We'll see you back here tomorrow. You guys think it, I'll say it. You're very welcome. We'll see you back here tomorrow. Have a good day, everybody. guitar solo Outro Music