The Nick DiPaolo Show - Mayorkas Impeachment A Joke | Nick Di Paolo Show #1525

Episode Date: February 14, 2024

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about another joke impeachment, the Bidens and China and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 What's this motherless fuck's name? Nick DiPaolo. Nice to meet you, Uncle Jew. How are you, folks? Welcome to the show Wednesday. Valentine's Day. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, Uncle Jew. How are you, folks? Welcome to the show, Wednesday. Valentine's Day. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, I know.

You even reminded me yesterday. I go to get my coffee this morning. She's still upstairs. There's a card in front of the coffee machine. That's what came out of the coffee machine. Then she comes in. I swear to God, we agreed years ago. We agreed years ago, me and her, that it's a fucking hoax.

It's a money-making hallmark, whatever the fuck. We agreed on that. I don't know if I'm imagining it, but a couple years, we didn't bother. I'm pretty sure. I'm not going to fucking go into not gonna fucking go into trap yeah well exactly she wanted to make me she knew I she wanted to give me right in the fucking whatever and here's what I do I open the car yeah I go this cute you know and then she goes I go I thought we agree we're doing this anyway she goes

I'm a woman and I still like it. I go, well, you lose. Wah, wah. The candy store will be shut for the next... Not that I've gone in the store in a long time. Just saying, it's a line. What? What are you saying? I don't know. She said to me,

balls on this prick. I don't know. She said to me, Balls on this prick. I don't know. There are lines here. These candy stores are fucking good. I know.

Yeah, I know. She said that, and I said to her, Watch your fat fucking mouth. Some real Valentine banter. I'll go to the supermarket and grab her some nice flowers. They do have nice flowers at Publix, you know. But what the fuck? Ay, ay, ay.

Bobby Slayton had a whole great bit about that. Where is it? You have Secretary's Day. You got Mother's Day and Valentine. Where's our fucking? Have a guy's day. You know, it's, what is it, something about the Three Stooges marathon and a blowjob, whatever. Yeah, I mean, they've taken the Super Bowl away from us, so. How'd they do that?

I was woke as fuck. I'm just talking fucking gender, man, woman, beef. Yeah, all the fucking NFL is, you know. And again, I'll say it again, guys. I'm not exactly, I would say within five years, if there's a white coach, and then within 10 years, if there's anybody white other than the owners, I'll be very surprised.

You can see where they're headed. I don't understand fucking... We've already proved go woke, go broke. I mean, if you get too cute with it. But that's what a juggernaut the NFL is. Do you know 123 million

people watched the Super Bowl this past week? Biggest TV audience since the moon landing. Okay, so that's why they go, whatever, whatever. We lose a couple, it's a juggernaut. I don't understand that. Does anybody have the balls to stand up to this shit? Some people do.

I mean, it's us, the people that have to. You know, Bud Light showed them, Target took a fucking punch in the face. But yeah, it's very, very annoying. Anyways, let's get to the show. Another empty gesture. What does that mean? Well, Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas was impeached by the House Tuesday night in a narrow 214 to 213 vote, becoming the first cabinet official to be impeached in almost a century, almost a century and a half. Is that right? That's what it said. Yeah. That's fucking beautiful. I like the new ones already. Is that right? That's what it said. Yeah. That's fucking beautiful.

I like the new ones already. Mayorkas. You know why it's been the first one? Pardon me one second. Cigarette on the way here. Just one, by the way. I'm not a smoker anymore. I go days without having a cigarette. But I will have one sometimes in the morning,

try to get things moving. And one at night, like Bob Seger thinking about whatever she said, whatever the fucking word. God. Mayorkas will probably be acquitted. You know why there's only been, you know, they haven't done it in 150 years? Because

impeachment's a bunch of shit. What the fuck is it? It's supposedly the first step on removing somebody from their post. But it's not going to work in this case, I'll tell you why. Mayorkas will probably be acquitted if the Senate decides to not procedurally kill the impeachment. That's because the Senate's controlled by the fucking Dems. So it's an empty fucking gesture. Nevertheless, Republicans can claim they secured a rare opportunity in a bitterly divided Congress to hold the Biden administration accountable on what could be the election-defining issue of 2024.

Yeah, that and a fucking nickel will get you a cup of coffee. The fuck, who cares? Ooh, come voting time, you know what? They really try to hold his feet to the fire. Secretary jerk-off. Look at this arrogant fuck. I'd like to see a knife go right into that stupid fucking head of his. Secretary Mayorkas' willful refusal to enforce.

Not a real knife, folks. One that'll, you know, kind of a spork. I don't know who's watching. Refusal to enforce federal law created an unprecedented crisis at our southern border and left the innocent Americans to pay the price. Majority whip Tom Emmer said, well, you must be a detective, Tom. Fuck, everybody look like Newt Gingrich

who had to run their D.C. for 20 years? Because Mayorkas failed to do the honorable thing by falling on a sword and committing a hirey-carry. House Republicans, by resigning, I should say, House Republicans fulfilled our constitutional duty by voting to impeach. Oh, so you covered your ass. Tuesday night's outcome follows House Republicans' failure

by a single vote last week to impeach shithead after a wheelchair-bound Rep. Al Green. I think Al Green is singing. It looked like that, only about 200 pounds heavier. Anyways, when wheelchair-bound Rep. Al Green is singing. It looked like that, only about 200 pounds heavier. Anyways, when wheelchair-bound rep Al Green, Democrat, Texas, rolled into the House chamber, that's what they put in the article, rolled into the House chamber from a Washington emergency room. Balls on this prick.

Yeah, exactly. Can you imagine? He fucked it up, like one vote. imagine? He fucked it up like one vote. Republicans had not counted on Green making the vote, which proved decisive against impeachment. He's in a wheelchair. They couldn't fucking stop a guy in a wheelchair? All you got to do is this.

That's fucking beautiful. House leadership moved forward with Tuesday night's vote following the welcome return of Majority Leader Steve Scalise. Poor bastard. It's the guy that got shot, remember, on the baseball field? Now he's got cancer. He's been in Louisiana since December receiving treatment for cancer. A Tuesday special election in New York's third congressional district would keep Mayorkas safe if called for former rep Tom Suozzi, but it wasn't. Look at this guy. He's like a bad guy in the 1950s. He looks like, you know what, Ted Cruz with AIDS. Reps Ken Buck, write these names down, will you? Because these are the people that should be gone.

What do you mean by gone? I'll let you figure it out. Reps Ken Buck, Republican, Colorado. Tom McClintock, Republican, California, which there is no such thing. And Mike Gallagher, Republican, Wisconsin. Once again voted with the Democrats against impeaching the embattled secretary. So this is the second time they've done that, despite overwhelmingly popularity for the move among Republicans.

So remember those three jerk-offs. And a sign of the unpopularity of that position after last week's vote against impeachment, Gallagher announced his decision not to seek reelection to Congress. That's how bad a fucking choice it was to vote against impeachment. This jerk's like, I get my constituents are going to give me the ax anyway. But I'd like to know the reasoning. Why? Why what?

Why he's resigning? No, why they voted against it. Oh, because they're, um, did um, well, they gave you a reason, but it was totally horseshit. They said, because then it's going to become a commonplace thing to fucking impeach anybody you disagree with, blah, blah, blah. But that's not the

point. The Democrats already did it to us. They started the shit-throwing match. But that was the excuse. That, and he's resigning because he knows. I fucking, where's he, the Colorado guy? His constituency will hang him by the balls after that one. But it's a matter of a constitutional thing,

not just a, I disagree with what Mayorkas did. He's not protecting the United States. There's got to be something else with these guys. Well, yeah, you know what that is. They're part of the fucking, they're the fucking guys who play the fucking, you know what, they play the Harlem Globetrotters.

They're on that team. It's all about cheap labor. That's all this is fucking all, and it's occurring to vote for the next thousand years. He's helping Democrats in that way. But yeah, no, they're a cancer. They're a fucking cancer. They should be cleaned the fuck out. The impeachment is a victory for my girl,

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, ironically the only person with balls is a woman, the loudest and most persistent champion of booting Mayorkas from the administration. God bless you. I'd like to give her a nice spanking as a reward. Anybody? In the second half of the show, folks, I'm going to be talking about the communists in California. Once again, they prove they don't understand how capitalism works. And somebody made a ridiculous suggestion as far as the minimum wage goes that even you guys are going to faint. Also, I'll tell you about a guy who got killed during an MRI. That's right. MRI, like at the doctors.

And there was gunplay involved. You guys figure that one out on your own. It's exclusively on Mug Club, so join now to get it at nickdip.com, shall we? Yes. Hey, boys and girls, head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, T-shirts, hoodies, and more. It's yet another way for you

to support the show and look sexy at the same time. You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nick-a-shirts. Just go to nickdip.com and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com. Click on store. Thank you guys so much. See you soon. We'll go to the next story, and the headline is poo-poo platter. Hmm. Hmm. That's all we ordered when we were kids. We used to hang out at a place called Cow Loon,

a very famous place on Route 1 in Saugus, Massachusetts. I actually did comedy there upstairs. That's when the career was booming. messages. I actually did comedy there upstairs. That's when the career was booming. It's always a good sign when you get splashed by hot oil as you're going to the stage.

A newly surfaced document allegedly helps prove Hunter Biden was working, didn't we already know this for the last thousand years, was working with Chinese state-linked CEFC, China Energy, while his dad, that would be the now president, he was working with Chinese state-linked CEFC, China Energy, while his dad, that would be the now president, he was still vice president

back then when they were both involved with China. Biden's son, Hunter Biden. President Biden has repeatedly claimed his family never got money from China, despite his own alleged direct involvement in two different Chinese government backed ventures. You're lying. Oh, is he ever? And you're a piece of shit.

Those are his good qualities. We anticipate working together on a number of opportunities in the United States and abroad, says the potentially damning March 22nd, 2016 letter that surfaced Tuesday and was addressed to CEFC Executive Director Zhuang Zhang on Hunter's letterhead about 10 months before his dad, Joe, left office as vice president. Now, we call him, fat Chinese people, the kids used to call them chunks. It was very clever.

I don't know who came up with it. I believe we have presented a collection of projects that parallel the interests of you and your team, and we look forward to discussing them in detail, says the draft letter to Zhang, which was distributed among Hunter and his partners, Rob Walker and James Gillier, as an email attachment. As we await your next visit to the United States, please continue to coordinate all matters with my confidant and trusted advisor, James Gillier, said the letter. Walker provided the document to the House impeachment inquiry ahead of his January 26th closed-door deposition, which also backed up some of what the letter suggests with other alleged evidence, by the way.

Oh, boy, is this great. The email was published Tuesday as part of his interview transcript. It is unclear if the letter, presumably signed by Hunter, actually reached Zhang. Who cares if it reached him or not? And if so, if any of the wording was revised, in that case, let him, you know, let him skate. Emails indicate that an assistant to Hunter was due to dispatch the letter to the Chinese once approved. Joe and Hunter Biden have not specifically confirmed or denied the start date of a CEFC

relationship. But Hunter is expected to be grilled on that detail during his own deposition later this month. Folks, the knives are out. The knives are out for, okay? Hear that? Hunter's in town. Look, the Democrats want Joe gone. I mean, this was coming anyways. Look, the Democrats want Joe gone. I mean, this was coming anyways. But they have, I read yesterday, they have the audio of the interview. They did, you know, the guy that said he's just an old dog, good meaning, old man, well-meaning, whatever the fuck that were.

You know, her. The guy's name is her. Anyways, they have like audio five hours of that interview that if they ever played to the public gone just fucking not like we like we don't have enough evidence this guy is not fit to be president so it's that's how you know all of a sudden you got finally the press after almost four years yelling asking about his his memory and shit because they all know and the white house is is all being like be nice this is so mean that you're talking about this yeah oh it's so fucking hilarious yeah but now they're it's so funny now the dems are saying they were calling us mean the right you know the rights mean-spirited and they have, you guys have no moral, yeah, I know all politicians are fucked up, but you guys, you don't even pretend to fucking have any values, it's fucking insane,

so it's actually a blessing, and somebody made a great point, you know who it was, I don't know if he made the point initially, you know the kid that does the great impression of Trump, remember the first kid who did the Waze thing? Take a left on Main Street. That fucking first kid that, remember? He's kind of big on the internet now, but he even said, and I don't know if he was quoting somebody else, because they were talking about the 25th Amendment.

You don't want to do that. Just let them hang out to dry. Don't give them a break to replace something, you know what I mean? Let them fucking reap what they sow for the next i don't know how many years but it's just yesterday i should have got this clip but what's this a real show um he had a leader there from wherever another country speaking he didn't know where to stand did you see that first he standing behind the guy on the guy's left.

Then he shuffles over to his right. Then the guy starts speaking and he moves back. If I was a guy, I would have went, what the fuck are you doing, dude? I would have said it. I would have said it in my own language. Just, you know, Italian sounds much nicer. Wasn't Jordanian one of the Jordanian leaders? Yeah, sounds right.

Don't matter. But yeah, fuck it. We'll go with that. Guy could have been the leaderian leaders. Yeah, sounds right. Don't matter. But yeah, fuck it. We'll go with that. Guy could have been the leader of Minnesota. I don't know. Fucking Biden's back there doing a two-step by himself. I swear to God, he was fucking Arthur Murray, making an asshole of himself, and he's looking down.

And that shows you how fucked up they're made. They don't even know to put an X on the floor for the poor guy or a piece of, they do that when you do the Letterman on the Tonight Show, there's a spot. I told you, they told me to come out to that spot. And I totally, my first Tonight Show. And the kid goes to me, Asian kid, I'll never forget. He goes, yeah, you see that monitor? There's a monitor off the stage, right there. He goes, you just line yourself up with that monitor. There's a monitor off the stage right there. He goes, you just line yourself up with that monitor. Here's Nick DiPaolo. I come out. There's no monitor there. You can see me. I look like

Joe. I'm looking around for 10 minutes. All right. Enough of that horseshit. Hey, for those of you guys on Mug Club, stick around for the rest of this show. The rest of you guys, you got to go to nickdip.com. That's nickdip.com and join Mug Club to get my full show

and get Steven Crowder's full show and a whole lot more. You'll be glad you did it and I'm telling you. And while you're on my website nickdip.com, click again. I keep plugging. You don't even have to click on it. May 11th is a big, again because the venue's

huge and I have a bet that I can at least fucking fill the first eight rows. That's Red Bank, New Jersey at the Count Basie Center on May 11th. Red Bank, New Jersey. I love you Jersey people because

when I first moved to New York, you guys always, anytime I played Jersey, the numbers were always good. And they bought my CDs and all that shit. Who would have guessed Jersey people actually agree with a foul-mouthed Italian comedian? Very fucking odd in this day and age. Ha, ha, ha.

I won't take all that they hand me down And make out I smile though I wear a frown And I'm not gonna take it all lying down Cause once I get started, I go to town Cause I'm not like everybody else No, no I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else

And I don't wanna live my life like everybody else And I don't wanna be destroyed like everybody else And I don't wanna get a job like everybody else Cause I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else