The Nick DiPaolo Show - Media Blowhards Strike Again | Nick Di Paolo Show #1543

Episode Date: March 19, 2024

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about Olbermann's assassination dreams and Ep 7 of "Nick's Bitchen' Kitchen! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 Hey, hey, welcome to the show on a Tuesday. Right now I'm being deposed. Nobody told me it was going to involve a broomstick. Not that I don't like that stuff. Know what I'm saying? Anyhow, great to be with you. On today's show, a couple stories, and also another installment, the latest installment. Look at him getting the lingo down and everything.

Nick's Pitch and Kitchen. We did, what did we do? As you know, most of my stuff you can get at, you know what, a Juneteenth cookout. I love their food. They love my food. Mac and cheese with butternut squash involved. Sounds weird, but it's delicious. I wanted to add vodka toward the wife.

I said, what are you fucking? Hold that. All right. Anyhow. Yeah, so another episode of Nick's Pitching Kitchen. And that's about it, right? Let's get to the story, shall we? Oh, deposition.

You guys have probably been deposed. I just can't fucking... Anyways, let's move on. Speaking of blowhards. What? You heard me. Headline, blowhard should be booted. You know, this fucking guy, Keith Olbermann.

If you're not, oh, yeah, there you go. I don't know why we can't find, he's a big, fat fuck now, I think. First of all, I almost shit when I saw how big he was when he was on Letterman. I don't mean just fat. He's like fucking big guy, like a big fucking guy. And I used to love when, he supposedly went to Cornell, and then, of course,

Ann Coulter called him out. Yeah, he went to the agricultural part of Cornell, whatever the fuck, I guess. It wasn't the Cornell, Cornell, whatever. And he seems dumb. I didn't believe it at that point. He always came across as semi, you know, ESPN. Why do I look so fucking puffy?

What the fuck is going on today? What, I'm going to feed you guys soon? Coffee. I was dehydrated. I can see it. It's in my face. I look like him. He's skinnier than me.

Anyways, this jerk off, you all remember him. Now he's just a big mouth on X. Far left, fucking you can't even believe this guy went to high school with the way he I mean, just a big, fat, evil Jew. Can I say that? You know I defend Jews every day on this show, so I'm gonna say it.

Except for this scumbag. He almost makes me want to go home and draw a Hamas poster. Anyways, him, former MSNBC, that's all you need to know about him, worked at MSNBC. Keith Olman

appeared to hope, in quotes, that former President Trump would be assassinated in a recent ex-post that prompted calls for his banishment. Yeah, but by who? The rank and file, right? Nobody on the left. From the social media platform. Balls on this prick. He's got a clit the size of a pancake. Don't kid yourself. Obraben was referring to the Biden-Harris headquarters ex-account, flagging a clip of Trump saying he had been persecuted worse than any president in history, including Abraham Lincoln. So the statement that this jerk-off is responding to, the Trump administration, I mean, the Biden administration said, Trump says he has been treated worse than Abraham Lincoln, who was assassinated.

The Biden campaign account posted on Saturday. This is how retarded and juvenile they are. He wasn't assassinated by the media, you assholes. Do you understand? And people, how many times do we have to ask ourselves when we're talking about the left? Are they really that dumb or are they just that evil? And it's a combination of the two. I know some of the dumb broads,

like Kamala, actually probably believes it. She's not even faking it. And then you get your Jerry Nadlers and your Schumers who know better, I think. Either way, they're evil fucks. So that's what they said. Trump said, I was persecuted worse than Link. And we all know what he meant.

Doesn't fuck, he doesn't mean. And then Olbermann responds to that by saying with an X, there's always the hope, Olbermann wrote linking to the post. Take a big step back and literally fuck your own face. That'll be hard. It's huge huge he used to be on letterman what else do you need to know just an asshole nobody likes him fucking men don't like them women don't like him it's a pompous jack off i gotta believe i don't

even know where he was born or raised i just want to go with New York. Maybe I'm saying it because he went to Cornell or whatever. There's a certain strain of liberalism. That's not liberalism. It's Marxism. But they put on a suit and glasses and give him a show. You're supposed to believe otherwise. Can you imagine you saying that about fucking... Be done. Some guy, remember, made fun

of Obama being a rodeo clown. And that guy got the fuck done cancel uh there's been so many examples where they say horrible shit about trump and we all know it results in nothing um what's the first video this is uh trump yeah here's trump at the rally this week and talking about how he was persecuted but they say andrew jackson they say abraham lincoln was second but he had a you know in all fairness he did have a civil war so you would think that would cause a problem right so you could understand it but But nobody comes close to Trump. And now even... Look, I love you, Donald, but don't afford yourself the third part. That one's too easy. That's something wide receivers do in the NFL.

Am I right, Dallas? Wide receivers, you know, guys who are in love with themselves boxers you know whatever but then I say you know because they say that's bragging though she said but when you're back you shit up you don't brag it what she usually does but again it's very clear what he said not saying right nobody's been treated worse I don't know what the media was back in Lincoln. It was a guy with a hammer and... I mean, but we all know what he means. This is no different than what they just did over the weekend when he said there's going to be a bloodbath. Taking that out of context.

You guys are fucking evil and you're winning because the right's too stupid to know how to stop it. It really pisses me off, as they say in New York. So I'll give you a couple examples where people have said horrendous shit about Trump and there were no repercussions that I can remember. The first is a girl that I used to try to get laid to. Because I was in my 20s. No, let me explain.

I was in my 20s in the 80s, hanging out at those nightclubs where you wanted to get fucking laid. And did very well, I might add. I wore the shirt like this. Hey, what's up? Big gold fucking horn hanging down. Wanted to dance. Then I get out there and they go, oh, you can't dance. Get out of here.

Did I tell you how Tom was making out with a chick behind a speaker? It's a big nightclub, right? But one end of it is a curtain. So me and this smoking chick go behind the curtain. And behind the curtain, there was a stage with speakers on it. I'm sitting on a speaker making out with this hot chick because we're behind a curtain. But we're so involved, the curtain opens and we just hear a big laugh.

It's about 400 people laughing. I feel like a fucking hero, I gotta be honest. And then I got chlamydia. You're from a guy. All right, so here's a speaker to dirty whores who'll give you chlamydia. Remember what Madonna said? I am outraged.

At the stench. Yes yes i have thought an awful lot about blowing up the white house you fucking whore yeah that's it go home get my dinner ready look at the black chick with the red hair behind who it doesn't even doesn't even lift her eyelids to see who said that and shit because she used to say shit like that. That and she hates Whitey. She don't care if Madonna's defending her people. But literally, if anybody on the right said anything close to that or insinuated it, they'd be done.

Why do you say that? During the Biden administration. Dallas, why do you say that? You really think there's a double standard? No. No. Yeah, just what happened to her? I hate to bring up my favorite example.

This doesn't have to do with the President's stuff, but when Tracy Morgan, you know, I'm just talking about saying really politically incorrect shit and not having it affect you because you're black or woman or gay or Hollywood. When Tracy Morgan said, if my baby, his wife is pregnant pregnant, my baby's gay, I'll kill it. And he was punished by getting a series, I think, on TBS about six months later or something. I'm never going to let you forget that. Same with Dave Chappelle, who I fucking love. One of my, a legend, no doubt, but I'm just saying, you guys make him out to be the fucking,

you know, they're doing it with Rogan now. Oh, real fucking edgy, you know, whatever. And finally, I'll show you this this one again I don't remember any repercussions you know Johnny Depp I like I've grown to like

him after the Amber Heard thing that he called some woman on her bullshit still a left wing scumbag and doesn't use deodorant and belongs in France like everybody else. Can play a good guitar, though, I gotta be honest. And he's got his own fucking, uh, what do you call it, perfume out there.

I love this commercial. What is it, Obsession? Walking through the desert with a wolf and a guitar. Remember him saying this about Trump? I'd like that you're all a part of it. When was the last time an actor assassinated a president? Scratching the crabs from his beard. It means, sit on this, cocksucker.

But again, so why doesn't somebody from the right get, even now, get Bruce Willis. He doesn't know where he is or who he is. Give him a cue card to read or read whatever. Or A, fucking dub it in.

Have him say, I hope fucking, you know, Biden perishes in a house fire. Huh? And see what happens happens but he's already cancelled by God but I'm just saying you believe that shit I can't take it anyways ladies and gentlemen second half of the show

coming up that's right another episode of the show coming up. That's right. Another episode of the Bitchin' Kitchen. You're going to like this one. It's a little different. Not that you didn't like the other ones. I know.

I'm terrific. Anyways, that's exclusively on Mug Club. Well, how do you get that? Well, you go to nickdip.com. That's what you do to get Mug Club. And that's it. So, hey, boys and girls, head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, t-shirts, hoodies, and more. It's yet another way for you to support the show and look sexy at the same time. You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nick-a-shirts. Just go to nickdip.com and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com. Click on store.

Thank you guys so much. See you soon. Without further ado, the next episode. And by the way, this one features Dallas's wife, Gianna. Did my wife get in the shot or no? She never did. My wife refuses to. She was in the last, you know what, Godzilla movie. She didn't like how it came out. She refuses to do any more film. Anyways, here's another episode of The Bitch in Kitchen.

Enjoy. The happy chef. Welcome to my fucking kitchen. Jerk off. Welcome to another edition of fucking two fags cooking. Well, yes. Oh, hello. I'm just kidding, folks.

No, you're not. I don't even remember the name of the show. Hey, it's Herbal Iraq. Herbial. Oh, excuse me. I didn't grow up in Tehran. Herbial Iraq. Running club.

Yeah. Is that a joke? As you're running? Yes yes and no we actually do five k's all the time what in the desert yeah there you go that's who's doing dallas is uh nuts um anyways yeah this is just um this is mac and cheese with butternut squash i don't know if you guys have ever done this if you get bored with a regular mac and cheese with butternut squash. I don't know if you guys have ever done this. If you get bored with a regular mac and cheese, I don't know who does. Not the black folk. Not this white folk either.

And yeah, you just mix the puree. You roast butternut squash and you puree it. You put it in with the, you know, the roux you make and the cheese. And then you give it to your grandmother. Say, just fucking eat it. Get out of the house. Have the Thanksgiving's over.

All right? So that's all this is. This is, it calls for, I was just telling Dallas' wife, Jenny, I read a little fast. Then after I went shopping, I came back. Oh, it's three cups after it's cooked and processed. I went to the, what we call the black market up the streets because they treat me beautifully.

They love me there. An Italian go to the black market? They love me. The old black ladies call me sweetie. And I go, hey, what smells good up in here, bitch? And they go, ah,

you know, ham hocks. Ham hocks. No, red and white, you know the story. Yeah, yeah. But they only had one good squash and it was small.

The other two looked like they kicked them around with hacky sacks. So I just got the one. Don't worry. I'll figure it out. So I just, I said I was going to skin it, you know, like a raccoon. I peeled the butternut squash, cut it into cubes, and I cut one onion. This recipe doesn't really call for onion, this specific one, but the last one I did. So it makes it, anyways, this goes in the oven for like 45-50 minutes this is a disappointing oven

anyways i don't know so that does that if this was a real cooking show that would have been done already but then these guys would have showed up the recipe would have been it would take me two minutes to finish and we don't get to see these kids off. Yesterday, we're throwing up downtown. That's a lovely Giana. I got a citation. Yeah. Did she get a citation?

From a Keystone cop. Oh, of course she did. I get kissed by a male cop. He kissed me. That's the thing, Don. If you're a cop or in the military the girls kiss that yep Dallas got smacked in the ass with a baton it's true what color is the fella I mean what's the fella what uh who at the guy

or girl it was a goes like of course it was a guy what do you mean you saying What do you mean, of course? Of course. You seen the broads around here? The ones that had... Was it the military or the cops? Do you think a broad's going to whack me in the ass in this modern age? Was it a cop? What are you, fucking... Of course. Apparently you're not wearing the right pants.

I get it all the time. Wait, was it a cop or a military? He was still a cop. It was fake. Yeah, yeah, fake one. What a bash, though, man. Yeah, it was fucking fun. We walked right through.

We drove a mile, me and the wife parked, and we walked the last mile and a half. As the parade's coming at, we kept taking all different routes. We'll show up tomorrow on the show. I'm saying tomorrow, we're going to show this Tuesday, so that made no sense. But now you'll have seen what I'm talking about. This is true.

So, I don't know, should I explain the rest of this i'm out of practice do it calls for white calls for white cheddar which i couldn't find again i was at the black market i'm not taking anything one um this is i don't even remember pepper jack and colby kind of i'm mixing it up. Two cups of milk, two tablespoons of butter, two tablespoons of flour. That makes your roux. Once you make the roux, I don't know why I'm telling you this now, I'll be telling you later. You flavor the roux with a teaspoon of onion powder, garlic powder, half a teaspoon of dry mustard. I still don't know what dry mustard's for. I'm supposed to snort it, smoke it.

I can never taste it. And then you top it with seasoned breadcrumbs. I took the ones that you throw in your salad, and I put them in my food processor. You mean you didn't eat them at 3 o'clock in the morning? Dude, it's like crack that shit. Folks, have you done that? Have you eaten the croutons,

the ones you put on salad out of a bag? Yeah. Holy. First of all, you have the breath of fucking Dracula for the next two years. But oh my god, it's fucking great. And then it calls for a pound of pasta, whatever you like. I always, when I do mac and cheese, I like elbows. But I'm using like three quarters of a pound. Only because, like I said, I might have come up short on the squash this would be hilarious that's it you boil up you make your pasta you put it aside you know how to make mac and cheese what do you guys all right so that's roasted we're gonna go in and watch you know what what do you call it it's not film so I got a couple found in the attic.

The guy that used to live here was a priest. We'll do that, and then we'll come back. All right. I don't know, folks. I've only been here four years. I don't know where they keep stuff. Where they keep stuff. Meaning the maids, the butler and shit, whole crew.

Get off the boat from Dominica. It's been about 45 minutes. And again, it was a very small squash. No way am I getting three cups out of that. Nope. But it's alright. There's enough there to give it a butternut squash flavor. Now what I'm gonna do is... not sure why they ask you to do this. Well it keeps your pan clean. Again, I got maids, so don't worry. Looks delicious, though. Doesn't it smell good? It does smell good. As Emeril Gassi used to say, one of my favorite illiterates, I wish you could see how it smelled in here. Can't you just see it? It's so beautiful.

I wish you could see how it smells. I wish you could hear how it tastes. It's a good processor. You can mash it with a whatever. Potato masher. Yeah, with a potato masher. It was nice and soft. That's the bad phone. Hello?

Hi. Stupid thing. All right. Stupid thing. I like caramelized onions for a base. We can't go wrong with AI. You literally can't use it for anything. I thought you said AI.

I don't know what I'm hearing. You know what? This might work out perfect. And by the way, they said like a whole pound of pasta I'm using like three quarters Did I give the amounts of shit When I was like Two cups of milk

Yeah yeah yeah Six ounces of that Again white cheddar they call it But whatever you want Whatever your favorite cheese Yeah and six ounces of each That was just a couple handfuls I ground up cheddar they call for whatever you want whatever your favorite cheese yeah and six ounces of each that was just a couple handfuls i ground up

oh these are like candy heavy oh yeah yep and sweet potatoes you do the same thing with sweet potatoes yeah i was at thinking about doing that with this recipe right interchangeable Thinking about doing that with this recipe. Right? Interchangeable. Look at this. The crispy. Oh, man. The chip.

The chip. Not the chip. I want to say this needs a little liquid. I don't know. Let's see what happens. I know there's a cover around here. All right. Again, if you don't have a food processor, you can mash it with your hand, whatever you do.

Pulse that mother. Reminds me when I used to work at Planned Parenthood. Cut. What'd I say? This show's actually getting funny, wasn't it? You know what? This actually looks perfect. Yeah, it does.

I smell a lot of steam coming off of it. You smell that? Yeah. I wish you guys could hear how it smells. I know. I salted the squash with salt and pepper, and I hit it with olive oil before I roasted it. A little bit more. Oh yeah, it looks like garbage. A little bit more. Oh, yeah.

That looks like garbage. That's what I'm talking about. Oh, yeah. That is pureed. Any recommendations for the people watching of not over-puring and making it soupy? That won't happen here. With other shit, yeah. But with this, the onions and everything, and because I roasted, there's not much moisture left, actually.

If I was making soup, you know, you add a little stock here. My mother was always a butternut squash not we'd be my father would grow up my grandpa would have thousands of pounds of it me my brother we used to throw it at the neighbors when it began in October when it got all rotten crazy people all right that's pure puree now we good time to cook the pasta I think because this is all going to come together very fast

this episode might last 11 minutes me and Dallas are going to have to finish it with puppets do a replay with puppet vision yeah come on it's a freaking Come on. It's a freaking Viking. Moody.

Why would we do that? Here we go. Here we go. Like somebody said, it's an oven. You go to the Germans, you get wolf. Come go, come on. What kind of joke is that? It's terrible.

I made that joke now. Yeah, you know, you make your pasta. Like I said, this mac and cheese when we were kids, it was always the elbow. Always the elbow. Always the elbow. You can use anything and shells work. Shells are good. Shells are good. The elbow,, it's always the elbow. Always the elbow. Always the elbow. You can use anything and shells work. Shells are good, shells are good. The elbow I think is the staple.

This reminds me of the time that I got sick on the back of a guy's car in high school. And now that you say it. Yeah. So let's do a, I guess let's make the rope. This is the key, man. If you want to be decent, you've got to learn to make a roux. Right?

It's fucking great for everything. It is. Gumbo. It's really no biggie. Gumbo, yes. Yep. It's fucking awesome. The gumbo one's the one you cook it.

It goes through a few stages. Blonde. Yep. Peanut butter. Dark chocolate. Right? Am I right, Dallas? Yep. Not bad through a few stages. Blonde, peanut butter, dark chocolate, right? Am I right, Dallas? Not bad for a Yankee fuck. Yeah, that is... That's what they say down south

when you bring a girl home, they go, is she Catholic? Can she cook a rope? We have standards. Right? That's what we heard. Nice to have it on the network. I'm a big it on the network. I only said it.

Big fan. Big fan. For those of you on Mug Club, stick around for the second half of, you know, Bitchin' Kitchen, where we taste it. It's yummy. Everyone else, go to nickdip.com and join to get the rest of this full, my full show, Steven Crowder's full show, and a whole lot more. And while you're there, actually, you can click on the tour button to get my dates, May 1st and 2nd, Sidesplitters Comedy Club, Tampa, Florida.

May 10th, two shows, Soul Joel's Comedy Club in Pottstown, Pennsylvania. And then the big one on May 11th at the beautiful Count Basie Theater. It's over a thousand seats. Red Bank, New Jersey. Mother's Day. Bring her out. I'll give her a real going over.

Anyways, that's that. Back to, I think, the finale of, right? I'm going to wrap up this episode of a delicious butternut squash mac and cheese on Bitchin' Kitchen. We're a frown And I'm not gonna take it all lying down Cause once I get started I go to town Cause I'm not like everybody else

No, no I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else And I don't wanna live my life like everybody else And I don't wanna be destroyed like everybody else And I don't wanna get a job like everybody else Cause I'm not like everybody else

See you singing, what are you? I'm not like everybody else