The Nick DiPaolo Show - Migrant Madness In El Paso | Nick Di Paolo Show #1399

Episode Date: May 16, 2023

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about DeSantis making moves, Favre's take on Tucker and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://NickDiPaoloShow.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh no. That's not, I don't like that type of talk. That's dirty talk. Anyways, welcome to the show. How you is and how you was. Are you enjoying the end times of the Roman Empire? At least, you know, we get to watch it on TV before it hits us.

I don't think the Romans had a flat screen. They actually had something better. Throw Christians to the lions and shit. Can you imagine Draft Kings? They would have made some money on that. I'm taking Aurelius minus the five. What? What are you kidding me?

This guy's got one arm left. I don't give a shit. This guy's got one arm left. I don't give a shit. Yeah, I just saw a clip of Bill Maher and Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil. Still call himself a doctor. And it's so funny.

So at least he's having these people on now on his podcast. Does he even do the – he still does the HBO show. Anyway, so Dr. Phil goes out there, and I just watched a clip because on the new york post and uh they're arguing about trump and biden and bill mark it's upset because uh dr dr phil i almost called them oz oprah's put out so many quacks it's unbelievable uh dr phil wouldn't agree that um that Trump was worse than Biden. And that drove Bill Maher nuts. And we just play the clip. I don't have to show you.

But Bill Maher goes to him, I can't believe I can't get you to agree that Trump is a different kind of, whatever the fuck. And I said to Dallas, when's the last time you heard a right winger that's as high profile as Bill Maher say when he's arguing to a lefty, I can't believe I can't get you to do blank. There's the difference right there. Fucking little fascist. Thought he was coming around. Actually, he has. But you got him and Richard Dreyfuss going off. He hates the new rule. I think we're talking about that. Are we? No. Richard Dreyfuss.

I'm confusing my shows. I'm writing for 11 people. What would they do without me? Anyways, yeah, Dreyfuss all upset because of these new rules. When you're making a film in Hollywood, If you want to be recognized by the Academy, it has to have so many minorities in it. This goes for the crew, the actors. It has to have at least one person of color up for a supporting role.

It's insane. And Dreyfuss is fuming about it. Yeah, you're fuming now, Dick Cheese, at the age of 70, whatever the fuck. You helped create this environment. This is why they lives a... I love how they just blank out the last 40 years of their lives. You got us there, just like Bill Maher did. So shut the fuck up.

Enjoy your early retirement, Holland's Opus. I had Holland's Opus. His girl gave it to me on prom night. God, blistery, pussy things right around the ass. Who's with? The doctor's like, oh, oh. That boy is a cheap pig. Ah, Dr. Holland's Opus.

Hey, you gotus I love them though You gotta admit in Jaws He was good in everything he did But he was an Upper West Side New York Fucking jack off Politically and still is Enjoy your Downtime

Who else Is like that We're talking about you know who today What's her name? Tom Hanks also. Tom Hanks, yeah, another one. At least Tom Hanks paid homage to the greatest generation ever. What the fuck's all that clicking?

This equipment's really going to be burned. Yeah, no, I know. But, yeah, he helped. He did the opposite. He was sort of down the middle, and now once know. But yeah, he helped. He did the opposite. He was sort of down the middle. And now, you know, once you're in Hollywood, in your Hollywood royalty, which he is, I told you, I lived out there for four years.

I was starting to have thoughts of, huh? What's wrong with me? Yeah, exactly. I was literally, I tell everybody this when they interview me, and this isn't a joke. I remember when I decided I had to move.

I was in my shower arguing out loud with an agent I didn't even have. Dallas, I'm not making that up. My wife catches me talking to myself. I still do it. But I was literally arguing with a fucking agent I had already canned, I think. Who would have guessed it led to a podcast? Actually, Chris Rock called and said, fucking coming to you. Boy, was that like a bolt of lightning from God. I picked up. I said to the wife, enjoy yourself. I'm out of here. Anyways, let's get to it, I guess, huh?

No, no, no, no! Well done. I didn't know that was coming. Dallas is right on with that one. Holy shit. FLA segment tonight. Florida Governor Ronnie DeSantis. By the way, he's Italian. I always thought he was like a Cuban or some shit. Ronnie DeSantis signed legislation Monday that banned citizens from countries of concern, like New Jersey, including

China, from purchasing property in the Sunshine State. I love the fact. do you understand? I think he trolls the fucking left. But this shit is, if you guys follow your stuff, the Chinese, they only total 384,000 acres, which is, I mean, it's a tiny percentage of whatever.

You know what I mean? They're setting up shop here. They always buy it right near a military installation. This guy's on top of it. He's going to be hard to beat. I'm sorry. The new laws, which DeSantis characterized as a crackdown on communist China, as opposed to the democracy China, prevent foreign entities and officers from China, not only just China, Russia, Iran, North Korea, you know, the fucking evil axis, Cuba, Venezuela. You got to say that when you're doing the news. Cuba, Venezuela, and Syria.

From buying farmland, the radar should go up when some guy from Syria is raising sheep and then fucking them like they do over there and they do, Dallas will tell you that, or any property within 10 miles of any military installation, seaport, airport, power plant, water treatment facility, or any other location deemed critical infrastructure. I agree. Yes, sir. I mean, I think he's right on the money. This lady doesn't agree. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, I said Moogle guy pan and boneless spare ribs. Get it right, fuck face. It's a good show, isn't it? Let's go to Ronnie DeSantis making remarks. Was it yesterday? Whatever. In Florida. Here he is. Today is one example of Florida really leading the nation. Pause. Notice the two. No, go back. Yeah, it's fine. Notice the two Chinese people on either side. Do you understand? It gives them cover.

That's why they put black people in the back to let you know. And then it pans out it's only two black people out of 60,000. But I just found that so funny. Why didn't you have Godzilla behind you? Anyway, look at the two Chinese tokens. Go ahead. We're doing to stop the influence of the Chinese Communist Party. Yes, sir.

I agree. The new law also bans citizens from those countries of concern who are not lawful permanent U.S. residents from owning any real estate in Florida. Excuse me. Where's every guy in Miami going to go get a handjob at the, one in the afternoon at the strip mall? Anyone connected with Chinese government or the Chinese Communist Party is also barred from purchasing real estate in Florida under the new laws. Florida is taking action to stand against the United States' greatest geopolitical threat, also barred from purchasing real estate in Florida under new laws. Florida is taking action to stand against the United States' greatest geopolitical threat, the Chinese Communist Party, which Joe Biden has been compromised by.

DeSantis said, I added that, DeSantis said on Monday during the bill signing ceremony, he actually signed it himself and not in crayon like Biden. I'm proud to sign this legislation to stop the purchase of our farmland and land near our military bases and critical infrastructure by Chinese agents to stop sensitive digital data from being stored in China. How do you stop that influence

and to stop CCP influence in our education system? Does that mean the Americans have to stop cheating off the Chinese kids? Have you seen where we... Anyway. Anyways, from grade school to grad school, we are following through on our commitment to crack down on communist China. You're a communist?

Yeah, no. Huh? No! DeSantis said the legislation which goes into effect July 1st makes it very clear we don't want the dirty, you know what, in the sunshine. Oh, boy. Look, he's proactive. I mean, wouldn't that be something a president's doing looking ahead? Seems like he's the only one that realizes that.

That's pretty goddamn good. Seems like he's the only one that realizes that. That's pretty goddamn good. Anyways, hey, in the second half of the show, I'll be talking about migrant madness in El Paso, Texas, people waking up, families, who you wouldn't believe on their front lawn. A guy slash girl, a tranny,

who avoided jail time because his, and this is literally his penis was so small. Stay tuned for that. You don't hear that on CBS morning news. And a fat fuck with a micro dick. And here's Bill with a... All right, let's move on. Fuck Fox says Brett Favre, who I love and who John Madden, I think that was John Madden's favorite player, wasn't it?

Brett Favre. I love this guy. Boom. He's like the rifleman. Former NFL quarterback Brett Favre has publicly declared his support for Tucker Carlson. Look at him. Look at this handsome son of a gun. A lot of people, you don't,

here's something you don't realize about him. While he was in college, or was it before college, he was in a car accident where he was almost totally disemboweled. Do you know that? They had to put his intestines, everything back in.

Do you want a quarterback who's sturdy? I think that proves it. uh so he supports tucker carlson and uh i called him one of the greatest of all time and and so is tucker and called for a boycott uh of fox news so good for you it was the best guy around. Son of a bitch. I'm with Tucker. Time to boycott Fox until they come to their senses and let the man speak, Favre tweeted on Monday. Two weeks ago, Fox News Media claimed in a press release that the network and Carlson had agreed to part ways, but Carlson did not appear to anticipate the split because during what turned out to be his last episode, he signed off by saying, we'll be back on Monday, I think.

Reports indicate that Carlson is still under contract with the company. Favre's tweet contains, this is really good. You ever see like a tweet about politics from LeBron James or one of those nitwits? Contains a video that features Megan Kelly, who I still regret. She wanted me to do her show when she was on Fox in the afternoons. I was heading to Helium in Philly. She wanted me on the show because of some, do you remember it was some country and,

no, was it an athlete or a country and western singer? I keep saying country and western like it's 1970. A fucking country singer. Yeah, it was Johnny Cash, stupid. There was some, was it a country entertainer or an athlete? Anyways, he was outside a fence and he said, I'll fight all those N-word. I think it was an NFL guy. Anyway, she wanted me to talk about that.

Why do you bring me on for all the racial shit? She's lucky I was busy because I would have got her a can. Anyways, the tweet contains a video that features Megyn Kelly suggesting that Fox and Carlson have not reached a deal and that Fox is muzzling Carlson, expecting that viewers will still tune into the channel. And she knows how this works, because she's been through all this. She knows how Fox thinks. Here's the tweet from Brett Farb, including her.

Meanwhile, it's not settled. They don't have a deal. Why not? Because he needs to be silenced while Fox tries to rebuild that disagreeing audience. They are banking on you coming back to them. They've got a debate in August.

You can't resist. You'll go. You'll forgive everything. They're banking on it. DeSantis is likely to announce this month, you're going to turn on Fox News. You can't go to CNN. You're not going to go to Newsmax.

You're not going to go to digital media. You're going to tune in to the Fox News primetime. You lapdogs. It's what you always do. It's how they have billions. That's what's happening here. Keep him silent on the sidelines for as long as possible.

Unable to use his voice on any of these things. On Fox. On politics. On anything. And we will win in the end. Like we always do. When the Biden administration pulled out of Afghanistan and armed the Taliban with one of the largest militaries in the entire world. This is why I get camped and stuff like this.

When it turns out the vaccines didn't do what they told us they were going to do. When the lockdowns hurt more people than they helped. This is the shit they hate at the bottom. Not one person was punished. So it would be encouraging to see someone punished for this debacle for the thousand train derailments we have every year you don't want the third world war because you have children or grandchildren because your own country is in deep trouble your economy's falling apart so you're not all in on world war three against russia and china and you get a moral lecture from these people all right right. And that's what they hated about.

He actually went near the flame and he couldn't wait to get out of there, according to a lot of the texts. And they dig up all this shit. And he was calling some, oh, we already talked about him dropping the C-bomb, so that's why I have him in my Hall of Fame. Oh, come on, folks. It's freedom, baby. Yeah, exactly right, you limey. Shortly after his show was nixed, Carlson released a brief video of him spanking his wife in a toilet.

No, on Twitter that has amassed more than... You think he's got a following? Yeah. He puts a clip up on Twitter and it's amassed more than 24 million views since he was kid. 24 million. How many, how many, how many, how many, how many? Imagine? And Fox just goes, ping. Yeah, we don't need you. Think about that. And the timing, like she said, is perfect. He'll figure it out, though. Fox ratings have taken a hit without Carlson. It's funny because I stumbled over a headline on the Drudge Report, said something

like Fox's number's up. It was just the opposite of what is happening. Just outright fucking lies. Or they take it out of context. Fox's ratings have taken a hit without Carlson helming the 8 p.m. primetime slot. And some people have canceled their subscriptions to the Fox Nation streaming service. I love it. In those texts that they unveiled, he was, remember he said, he said how much it sucked,

the Fox, this website sucks and all this shit. God forbid. Good for him. Anyways, I thought that was very interesting. Let's move on to, well, before I, I think I should tell you guys that for those of you that are in Mug Club, you got to stick around for the second half of this show. It's only fair to warn you.

fair to warn you. Everyone else, go to nickdopalo.com. Sorry, nickdopaloshow.com. And join to get my full show and crowders and a whole lot more. It's really worth it. And while you're there, get tickets to see me live this Friday night, May 12th, Hilton Daytona Beach Oceanfront Resort in Daytona Beach. Also, May 19th and 20th. I keep forgetting about this one. I get a pit in my stomach. It's a good club. Hyena's Comedy Club, Dallas, Texas, May 19 and 20, July 14 and 15, Arlington Cinema Drafthouse, Arlington, Virginia. Ahí. guitar solo.