The Nick DiPaolo Show - More SPLC Douchebaggery Exposed | The Nick DiPaolo Show #1936

Episode Date: August 13, 2026

In today's episode Nick talks about Leavitt Leaving As Press Sec, Teacher Of The Year, SPLC Douche Arrested, Sneaky POTUS, Burger King, U Of Michigan Snowflakes, NYC Cherry Bomb and Snakes & Football! WATCH THE FULL SHOW LIVE & FREE on Rumble 6pm ET Mon-Thu JOIN OUR LIVE CHAT & FOLLOW MY CHANNEL https://rumble.com/TheNickDiPaoloShow/live GET TOUR DATES & TICKETS https://www.nickdip.com/tour NOVEMBER 5TH - The Punchline: ATLANTA, GA NOVEMBER 6TH - Rivers Casino: PHILADELPHIA, PA NOVEMBER 7TH - Soul Joel's: POTTSTOWN, PA MERCH - GRAB A MUG, TSHIRT, HOODIE, STICKERS AND MORE! https://shop.nickdip.com/ SEND SOMEONE A PERSONAL VIDEO FROM ME! https://shoutout.us/nickdipaolo  or http://www.cameo.com/nickdipaolo FOLLOW ME ON SOCIALS or STREAM MY COMEDY!!  https://nickdipaolo.komi.io/

Folks, welcome. Final day of the week, Thursday. I know you guys probably have one more. Some of his retired and some of he's paralyzed in the waist down. You lay around and suck off the government's tit. You know you're talking about civilians. Anyway, welcome to the live lineup where you get free shows all day. And if you want those shows ad-free, sign up for Rumble premium. And don't forget to follow my channel and download the Rumble app. I think they put us in the center screen last night. And I woke up this morning. It was at 72,000 views. Nice.

And we should address to our listeners that there are some audio issues in the live stream that Rumble is working out. It's nothing on our end. Oh, I didn't know that. But what's going on? Just tell me. There's some weird audio popping and skipping happening, but it has to do with Rumble's stream and not our stuff. You heard the producer. You heard them.

This guy don't lie on Thursdays. Yeah, rumble. It's a crazy outfit, man. They get so much going on. I love them. Don't get me wrong. I can shoot my mouth off, and that's worth its weight in golf to some people.

And I'm looking at myself. I just might go with a full man chewed Chinese fucking Italian guy with a Chinese mustache eating Greek food at a fucking Japanese place. Anyways, yeah, don't forget to follow the thing, and then push it and bring that thing and punch it, kick it in the nuts. Today I'll be talking about my heartbreaking for a girl Caroline. That's with the K, Livet, is leaving as press secretary.

And, oh, God, I didn't take the news well. Anyways, also a great clip of a black teacher who actually cares. When I say that, I'm not saying black teachers, I'm saying all teachers don't really give a fuck. Not all. That's not fair either. I'm just saying, you know what I'm saying? A lot of them don't. They worry about, you know, Randy Weingarten and what she could do for them.

Also, we got more, we go more in depth on that Southern Poverty Law Center, how the government busted them for actually creating hate. And we got a douchebag woman who was at the top of it. Oh, what a story there is there. Also, President, you probably already heard about this one. Trump did a nice switcheroo a couple weeks ago on his plane. And I don't know how, you know, how he did it. is now out made public, which there's one option you're not going to have anymore.

But anyways, and also Burger King, which I love, even though I go to McDonald's all the time. I don't even know these fast food places, you know. Like I like Burger King, and I haven't been there in two years. Just because this is how I decide. I'm going down the street, there's a Burger King, and there's a McDonald's. Oh, the McDonald's is on my side. I think McDonald's put all theirs on the left. I might venture over across the double line for a while.

upper. But you know what? They get good news. They're actually kicking ass. Anyways, and also, oh my God, Michigan University of, they always lead the league in PC woke horseshit. They're always out in front. I don't know why. Anyways, we're going to talk to talk about how they grade their students and how they don't grade them. It's going to make you, I'll give you trigger warning. You don't want to put your foot through the flat screen. Anyways, Red Sox lost their fifth in a row. You got to admit, folks, if I was going to pick a team, like I said before, to keep you guys up to date on, this is at least an interesting one.

They are fucking, you know, it's like, you know, Sybil. That was a movie, by the way, with Sally Fields. It was based on a real woman who had, like, fucking 19 personalities going on. It was terrific. She'd watch it. She was hot then. She was crazy and hot. Those are the ones I like.

I'm saying? Anyways, yeah. So we have, excuse me, they did just, Toronto has our number this year. That's all I got to say. We wipe everybody out. Tampa.

Tampa Bay hasn't lost in about two weeks now. And they, once again, their payroll is probably 19th. And it's amazing what they're doing. So my red socks are schizophrenic. I have no, the bats just weren't quiet. And that's how it is, man.

You can't. Anyways. So anyways, a couple days ago I had to, I didn't have to get blood, but I do. So, you know, I don't have a stroke or a heart attack. Like I said, my blood is like a rue. Dallas knows what that is. What the fuck's a roo? Anyways, so I gave, you know, a couple pints.

And then I had to go to the doctors because I'm going to. And by the way, I'm making it sound like I'm sickly. I'm not. All my shit's right in the normal range. I'm 60 fucking four. Just my, it's something with a kidney. One of kidneys is doing it. But every time they send me, it's like my primary care physician, he looked at it and didn't send me to it. He didn't, he wasn't that concern. Excuse me. But then the guy, the gynecologist, who gives me my pellets, he saw it and said, I just want you to have this guy check you out. And this guy's got a great resume. Anyways, so I get in the car and I'm like, oh, I'll just go to that email they sent me

two weeks ago with the address of the office. I can't find it. It's nowhere to be fucking found. So I just Google Dr. Comjani, whatever the fuck he is, Calcutta King. And, you know, I just Google that and his thing comes up and it gives the address. And it's the ass end of town, south, you know, down the Veterans Parkway, like a good 22-minute ride. And that's, Savannah? That's like 40 miles. So I go all the ass way down. Then I pull it to the park a lot. There's 19 signs.

It's a hospital almost. Right next to the Chandler. We got two of them. They all confuse me. So I look for sweet nine. Of course it goes eight, ten. Fucking nine's like over there. Just to bust my balls.

I go in there and it's got like that paneling from the 1970s that everybody had, that shitty pant. The rugs kind of. dirty. There's a fucking glass right here and I can see people on the other side of glass. I think they work there. I can't tell. It's like five black guys laughing and one white guy. I'm like, what? And it says don't knock on the window. The door in front of me has a key code thing. I look at there. There's like five black people. I go, who am I supposed to

fuck? And I said fuck too. Which makes a black guy laugh. I go, who the fuck? How do I? And he goes, just knock on the window, man. Who else? It says don't knock on him. And I knock on the white kid. And I'm not in the fucking system. And like I said, it was a pain in the ass to find. And I'm not, I go, what? He's like, he doesn't even, he's not even in this, whatever.

He was very nice, the kid. He's appallal. I go, it's not your fault, dude. I go, I googled his fucking name. And here's the address and shit. But as you know, doctors work at the hospital. And then they also work in their own practice. Whatever the fuck.

I'm a little retarded. But that wasn't my fault. Right? Wouldn't you Google the guy's name and the first address come up as soon? But anyways, I look at and I, you know, so I fucking, I go, the guy, I said to the guy, do you have his office address? And the guy had it. And I go, oh, fuck him. But once again, of course that email, it's really my fault because I don't know where that fucking email went. It's in there somewhere, but I delete my shit every three seconds, you know.

So yeah. So then I, so I go over there. That's another fucking 20 minutes back or whatever. That's a lot in Savannah, right, Dallas? Everything's a skip and a jump. And I go in there and they take me in. And I was told blood lab work because they, so I get there. And the lady sits me down and shit and goes, she takes out a urine cup.

I go, no. I go, I'm dehydrated. She goes, I give me some water. And I go, yeah, but Jesus, what do you think? If my kidneys are that fast, I don't need the start. So I'm good at that, though, under pressure. I don't know, I cannot, when you're 64, you can piss any time. You can fucking, there's always some in there from the last one from three weeks ago.

So I gave her nice, I showed off. I had it spilling over the top and shit. I put a head on it, you know. It's like going like this. Just there you go. I put a lime in there, I put salt around the room. They had that in my pocket. Anyways, so, yeah, I give the lady the piss.

She takes it away and I sit back in the chair where you, you know, it's got the arm thing where you get, and I'm sitting. there for about, oh, I don't know, eight minutes, before some other black lady at a computer who's not even helping me goes, you're done. I'm like, really? I was told it was blood lab work, you know, and that's all you needed. So it took me an hour to bring an ounce of piss.

What the fuck? We could have done it on a Zoom. That makes no sense, but it's kind of funny. Anyways, that was my afternoon. Then I went, got a drink to calm down. maybe that's why my left kidney's going hey what up man anyways so that's that that's about it

trying to learn the solo to shine you know the song that was a huge hit and I just fucking love the song I can't get it out of my head by collective soul and you have to have the finger dexterity of a fucking I don't know there's one part literally you can't even see the guy's fingers moving they go and so forth and then you know so I've been trying to figure that number a couple. And then I put it on it and there's a girl.

I chase he's 21 and a shorts. Is there anything harder than a young girl and a short skirt? And it's all over the internet. Young girls in, you know, wearing like bras, playing electric guitar like they clapped it. Ouch. Anyways, that's what I did. Why? Because I'm 14 mentally.

What do you think of that? Anyways, let's get on with a goddamn show. Well, that was the show. Sweet Caroline, sweet Carolina, bop, ba, ba, bong. Good time never seems so good. President Trump announced Wednesday. That really is a make.

Can I just say that? To be raising kids and being on a computer at the same, holy fucking moly. I got my dog on my lap and I can't get work done. Probably because it's licking my balls. You heard, Dallas. Feels good. President Trump announced Wednesday.

Levitt will be leaving her post. at the end of the month. Can I have her post? She just returned from maternity leave after giving birth to her second child. And I would, I've never wanted to be a baby more if you look at that picture. I am starving right now.

Come on, it's lunch time. Anyhow, any he. I told you about the lady on the plane breastfeeding 25 years ago and I was a young comic. She looked like that. I'm not fucking shit in yet. I'm on the aisle, she's on the aisle. She's a fucking 19 on a Cigella 12.

About half hour into the flight, I look over. She's got the, I rip muscles in my eyelids trying to look at her. I was like, eh. And every time the kid started crying, she would take it out. So during the flight, I was twisting the kid's feet, fucking putting a fucking match under his foot. And I said, come on, kid, you're hungry,

and I'm horny. Let's work together. You know I'm saying? Ouch. Here's a video of something. I'm so stupid. I can't even remember. Let's take a look.

Oh, that's right. It's only the fucking... She's leaving, and they're looking for a press secretary. And I hate to say this, but I'm as qualified as anybody. If you don't believe it, watch this. Nick DiPaolo for press secretary.

Nick DePaolo's great. I mean, he's one of the funniest guys out there. I would pay good money to see Nick DePaolo's press secretary, if only for a few minutes. That's how long it would like. Well, well, well, look at all the long faces. Look at all the long face. Huh?

What's the matter? You mad Hitler's back in office? One in a landslide. The kind of landslide they had in North Carolina, you didn't do shit about that kind of landslide. He smoked her. She won one state. What state was that, anyways? She didn't even win that?

I thought she won like, what? What is it, Samoa, American Samoa? Is that a state? What is that, a village? Doesn't Sandals have a resort on an American Samoa? That's right. He won, he won big. And we want to thank you, the press, for helping him.

Because every time you opened your dirty fish holes, his numbers went up, and up, and up. This is a fantastic night. Somebody just saw Kamala, by the way, heading to the ladies' room with a pack of razor blades. I couldn't be happy. Probably for our legs. But anyways, Trump is president again. He's going to make America a grade again. And start by cleaning house here.

You're all fired. Get out. You think I'm kidding? Get out! That was ad lip, folks. So good. That's crowded. That's the shit they do.

It's so fucking fun. Yeah, they give me a... They work like, you know, who started it. Scorsese. You just give a frame, and you get good actors of fucking people going improv and let them run with it. You try to stay within the parameters of a whatever. So don't be surprised if you see me canceling next week.

I have to take a flight to DC. That would scare the shit out of people. Wouldn't that be great? I kind of, I could be like Cash Patel's brother. I sort of look like. Or, once again, the head coach for the Vegas Knights, that's Tortorella. We look like we're related.

Anyways, I hate to see a go. But, you know, she's got two kids. And if she didn't go, she'd be sort of sending more of a left-wing message. Like, fuck the kids. I want fame and fortune. And, you know, so. Right. I did the best I could.

What about me? What am I supposed to do? Sounded like a guy. I thought that was her. How silly. Anyways, let's get to. I just stumbled over this clip this morning and that I headlined that in my book, teacher of the year.

It's a video. I don't even, I think it was, I don't even know it's state. Deal? I don't even think it mentioned. It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

Here's a black dude. It doesn't matter if it's black or white. Very, a lot of, and I'm not, I don't want to shit on all teachers because I know T. It's a tough job. You don't get paid that much.

You do get your summers off. But, um, this guy, you can tell he takes it dead serious. And, um, it was,

he gets very emotional in this thing. and I don't mean in an angry way like most of the clips when you see a guy punch somebody in Vegas because they bumped into him on the dance floor and fucking this is a teacher who takes it very seriously he's teaching black students

and he literally brought to tears by what he is seeing with some of his students here he is so I am on my lunch break it is I don't know 11, 30 or something like that and

I just finished a three-hour class. We have what's called Block, and Block is where first and second periods are combined for subjects that needed. So I literally broke down in the middle of class because I'm teaching seniors. These kids are leaving. high school

high school and going to college hopefully after they finish not a football scholarship hopefully we had

two paragraphs to read that's two too one sentence complete to write I gave them the sentence stamps

I basically completed the sentence for them in the model the sentence was bitch where my money at

An 18-year-old kid. You don't finish the sentence with a preposite. And they couldn't fill in four words. Four words. Now you know how we feel when we're going to McDonald's and order it. I gave them the scenario. We annotated together. I gave them the answers before we even had the problem.

Oh, that's not helping them. And they couldn't do it. I don't know. I simply don't. Anyways, and that's, you know, people should take it that serious. That's the future of our country, by the way. And it's not just, you know, it's not just black schools.

I mean, even though the white kids that can write a sentence, oh, whatever the fuck, they're being fed Marxist bullshit. They've been being indoctrinated for the last. listen to this. I forgot to tell you guys this. I have a niece. Or is it a great, no, it's a niece. In her school, I forgot to tell you this, Dallas. This is honest of God truth. There are three or four kids in her class who identify as cats. They come to school dressed as cats. They don't have to answer. There's, Listen, it gets better. They have a litter box, like a fake litter box that they, if they, I'm not making that up.

We should all be crying. Although I got to tell you, I'd like a litter box. And I was in high school. I used to have a terrible diet. And the copy would go right, throw me in the morning. Do you believe this shit? So, but I read the comments after I show this. And it's all black and brown.

He mentions at the end, he goes, are black and brown students. So I was with him until then. And now I'm going, okay, now you're going to make it racial. I don't think he was. But in the comments, that's how, you know, they're like, that it became totally racial. You know, black and brown student gets short-handed. They don't get the, b-b-b-b-b-boo.

You know, it starts with all that horseshit, blaming somebody else. And it's not, I wrote a whole thing. and I said, it's not a racial thing. It's a cultural thing. Okay? I know black comedians who went to high school like in Brooklyn, even Colin Quinn went to like a half black guy.

And literally, and this still goes on, by the way. Black kids who study and stuff get beat up because they're acting white. That still goes on. So don't just blame the system. The system is corrupt in that it feeds our kids a bunch of anti-American bullshit

and rewrites history and it's all, you know, basically Marxist propaganda. But don't start with this. Oh, the people of color the students don't get a fair shake and bullshit, you know. It starts with the home

and having two parents. That's where it all starts. And it's culture. You don't glorify violence and fucking hip-hop and all that garbage. People are proud to be ignorant today. I see anchor women,

white ones like in their 20s going um fountain not fountain fountain fountain I'm talking a white educated woman using you know

fucking ghetto vernacular I see everybody doing them broadcast is now it all says that one has to do with age but age not AIDS I see like

fucking white guys you know they'll pronounce it like that Put in. Put in? No, put in. Okay. But it's not the white establishment.

Stop pointing fingers and shit. Yeah, but the government. Yeah, well, if you want to blame the government, blame the Democrats who you've been voting for your whole lives. You finally wake it up, thanks to Trump. They're the ones who came up with a great idea to keep you people dumb by sending your checks and replacing the dad and the family. You're right when you point all that shit out.

Don't blame the, but don't blame the fucking right. Anyhow, I thought that was great to see a guy like that, and he should be acknowledged getting that upset. And he should be. That's the future our country, folks. Although, you know, at one point, my class was the future of the country. We made it through us, idiots. So got some chance, I guess.

All right. Let's move on to one of my favorite stories lately. But anyways, at the end of the thing, the teacher said, this to the kids too. Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life. I thought that was a nice touch. Anyways, November 5th, there'll be the punchline in Atlanta, November 6th, River

Casino in Philadelphia. November 7th, sold Joel's in Potsdam, Pennsylvania. That's three nights right in a row, folks. Go to Nick Dip, it's going to be interesting. I've never gone a year without doing comedy, and this is fun. This sort of keeps me people, but doesn't your podcast? It's a different muscle, though.

This is, you know, this is 100% ad lib or whatever, with some news thrown in, but, you know, go to nickdip.com to get your tickets before they're sold. And they might be because, like I said, they put us in the, my media, social media shit is up. Although every time I look, it's a clip from breath of fresh air and I look like a 400-pound Hawaiian guy. It's fucking brutal. The camera's always, I don't know how I even fucking let that get out.

And again, I was 35 pounds heavier, but not 400 pounds heavier. I've said this again. You don't ever drink right before you go on camera. You face, especially if you dehydrated, which I am all the time. Although I got to tell you, Dales, I'm, I bought, did I tell you guys, I bought the Gundy, Dr. Gundy, the olive oil, you know, and it has a whole story. I watched his whole thing. And he's one of these guys, everything's bad for you.

I think he can eat, according to him, you can eat like sunflower seeds and dirt. So I got his olive oil. It's not fucking cheap. And I do a shot every morning. And I'm in poop heaven. I think it's working. While you're at the NickDibb.com thing, go buy a thing. A couple of things.

I'll support the show. T-shirts, hats. We had fake teeth in there. The chattering teeth. Those are flying off the shelves. All that shit, NickDibb.com. And it's good stuff. It's the good stuff.

It's the T-shirts that are nice and soft, not the ones that turn up. into aluminum after you wash them. Anyways, also, if you want to send a personalized video to someone, I'll say what you're thinking so you don't have to. Go to shoutout.us. SPLC douchebag arrested.

SPLC is Southern Poverty Law Center. A former Southern Poverty Law Center finance officer was arrested Wednesday. Over her involvement in secretly paying informants in white supremac groups, you can't make it up folks this was the story of the year to me

because the southern poverty law center they their job was to chase down hate groups and and you know they were full of shit they went across the line years ago when the guy who founded it

when he finally got out of it he goes it is bullshit he guy created it said it was fucking bullshit but not we didn't even know to this extent they would put every but every any Christian group was on the hate. If you said anything questioning immigration, you were labeled the hate group. It's just, it's been corrupt forever. But now Trump and the FBI Department of Justice, finally they wanted to prove it to you. Heidi Berrick was apprehended in California. If she don't

have a black boyfriend, I do. CNN first reported she was apprehended. Attorney General Todd Blanche, I love him, confirmed at an unrefutable. related news conference at DOJ headquarters that there was an arrest made in the case. The Post unmasked Barrick in June as one of the SPLC leaders accused of helping open bank accounts with fictitious company names to make payments to hate group leaders. Believe that? Break up the meeting or nothing, but she's something of a cunt, ain't she done? Oh, boy.

How do you mean that? She likes a rigged game, you know what I mean? Was that made for her, or was it made for her? The identification of Barrick was based on identifying details in an indictment brought against the left-wing group out of the northern district of Dallas's home state, Alabama. Look, she's gorgeous. Like I said, every black guy would drool over that.

Well, not the rich ones. They get, like, you know, supermodel ass. That filing accused Barrick of helping. to funnel 1.2 mil. That ain't that ain't fucking that's no duck walk. 1.2 million in SPLC donor money to an

informant in the white supremac group National Alliance who was also purportedly her lover. She's working for a organization under the guise of shutting down hate groups and she's sucking and fucking one. Do you understand that?

National Alliance is you know kind of a high class version of the clan and shit. She's pretending to shut groups like that down and she's sleeping, literally blowing. How desperate are you for dick? You fucking meatloaf look alike.

Do you believe that? I go here. And where are the white women at? That'll never not be funny. You guys, you kids, you Gen Zia, your millennials, this is the shit you missed. On TV. Even some of you exes probably.

maybe not unbelievable blazing saddles and it just shows that we've regressed as far as race when bill hicks had a great line but it was about the far right he was talking about how fundamentalism breeds i think he said lack of irony which is so perfect is there any lack of irony is just really not having a sense of humor Is that not the left defund? Can you think of anybody that has less sense of humor than a feminist? I think even Louis, who's no fucking right wing, I had a bit about how they're the arch enemy of comedy.

Feminism. It is. It's a cancer. Me and Colin Quinn would argue all the time. He said race is the big. And I said this was because I said, and I thought it was a great point. And it's all coming true if you watch the WMBA shit, transgender or shit. I said it was the feminist movement because they hijacked.

They hijacked the playbook of the civil rights movement. They grabbed onto their coattails and then they took the lead. Now, they were the biggest victims. And because they were white and had power, you know, their messages in Hollywood, you can't watch, and I've said it before recently. You can't watch a commercial or a fucking sitcom or a documentary or a, or without the message being women empowerment or women a second class city.

I'll pick it. I'll sit next to you. I'll sit on your lap and watch it. And most people are anesthetized to it. They don't, you know. And that's because they don't know the politics of the people who make this shit. I've actually met feminists.

I lived in fucking Hollywood and gone on auditions and shit. And it was always, I go to the audition and it was always like three gay guys, three gay girl always I could see the fucking disappointment in their eyes when I came in the guys were happy

I was still cute I used to walk down the sidewalk and West Hollywood fucking guys were like it's like having a chick say you fucking know anyways they had nice asses that chucked him out let's move along shall we catering to the potis

catering to the potus his needs I say President Trump's to sneak off Air Force want to board a catering truck and use a military plane to fly out of Turkey last month was motivated by fears that Iranian operatives, listen to this, could use a shoulder-launched rocket to blow the presidential jet out of the sky. This is not, excuse me, this is not new. 9-11, that was a concern. That was one of the first things they checked when 9-11 happened. happened. Remember like a couple days later, Queens, the TWA flight got blown out, flight 800

got blown out of them. And that was the first thing everybody said. Because like I said, you might as well, I lived in Queens. One of the streets might as well been the Gaza Strip. And not all the Muslims were nice. You know what I mean? And all it takes as a guy on a fucking shitty apartment in Queens, LaGuardia is four minutes away. Ping Pang. And I had to fly to England, like two or three weeks after 9-11. And I was sweating bullets thinking about that because you had 9-11 and you had the goddamn

commercial jetliner blown out. And I was living there. And I fucking holy moly. Check it out. These things go down. They go, it's too big. It's too big. It can't go up.

Anyways, an unidentified person was seen with a shoulder-fired missile near the are you leaving that up for it? You can take that down. Oh, there he is. Near the annual

conference of NATO. Did you hear what I just said? Guy had a launcher on his shoulder and he was seen near the NATO conference. Is that right? You think that would make every headlong. This poor guy,

how about the people out to work with Trump you're like, holy fuck, you know? You all saw him. He had a gun. Uh, anyways, uh, yeah, so near the conference heads of state and, Ancara, and U.S. intelligence learned Iran and tracked on information about which hotel floor Trump was staying on. Do you understand if you're a baggage handler at the fricking four seasons, you could get whack because Trump's in the house? Other news outlets, including CNN, confirmed that the threat of a shoulder fired missile prompted the secret switch when he switched planes.

And that shouldn't be out this. story should not be out there how he avoided it. Unless they're, hey, if they're, you know, maybe the, maybe DOJ's five steps ahead of us. And this isn't true. Hopefully. I mean, but you know, Trump, I said down to Delhi's probably driving it. Fucking waving to people, beeping us on, trying to get votes in Turkey. I go, this is what Trump said, and I quote, I think it was truth social. I go by secrets. I go by secret service and the military. They want to me to go in a

different flight, a different plane for safety. They wanted me to do it. So I did it. I did what they said, Trump told the reporters. The Washington Post revealed Monday evening that Trump had used a, oh, it's the Washington Post to get this out there, you know, because you want to get the secrets out when you're trying to keep somebody fucking scumbags. Even that Monday evening that Trump had used a smaller military plane to leave Turkey July 8th after he was photographed boarding Air Force one with the reporters and many senior aides aboard the jet unaware of the hastily devised change. Well, yeah, you got to do it at the last minute. You're going to fucking, treasury, I just picture Trump in there laying on a bunch of those shitty meals you get in first class with fucking

Salisbury steak on a suit. Treasury Secretary Scott Besant, Secretary of State Marco Rubio, and White House Communications Director Stephen Chung, remained a bit of. board Air Force One, which served as a decoy. Oh my God. How's your self-esteem after they give you that fucking. Oh my God. It's like Tony Soprano finding out his mother to try to have him whacked. Which is true. In this show, it's true. Well, Secretary of War Pete Hagseth and Deputy Chief of Staff Dan Skavino, they're like, fuck that. I'm not being a decoy. I'm going with a big man, which is still dangerous still.

but I thought that was funny. Okay, the president's not on there, but the next three guys in line are. Well, I shouldn't say that fucking Vance wasn't there, but Rubio must be going ahead. Guess I'm not running. Anyhow. And then, like I said, they put that out there. I just, and usually the only way that can happen is if somebody leaked it from the Trump administration, which is bizarre.

Isn't it to live in that world? He's been president for two terms almost and there's somebody still trying to fuck you in your inner circle maybe. That is grotesque. That's why I tell dick jokes at midnight. Anyhow, let's move on. Make me a sandwich. Make me a fucking sandwich. Not with that attitude, I won't.

Hey, when it comes to the battle of the burgers, Burger King reigns supreme. And it's surprising because four years ago, they were. on the fucking brink of folding up. They were in a big hole financially. So I wonder who took over. Some guy, some actual king. They reigns the home of the Whopper has seen a massive sales surge this year, which has propelled it past Wendy's.

I'm not, I want the Wendy's. And I know everybody loved Wendy. I was not impressed. I love all this shit. Don't get me wrong. You know, Jay Leno, I always bring this up, but Jay Leno ate nothing about, butt this shit for like 40 years.

That's all he ever... He's still alive. Full head of hair. Anyways, they had a great year. Propeled it past Wendy's to become the second largest fast food chain after Mickey D's,

which I don't think anybody's ever going to catch. According to Consumer Affairs, the burger monger, monger, not mongerer. Recorded an 8.5% surge in sales. That's a lot, folks. That's almost 10%

in the second quarter of 2026, compared to just 1.5% a year earlier outpacing the Golden Archers for the same period. I wonder if it has to do with Trump. Remember every time he saw Trump in his first administration? Every time they saw him, he's eating, you know what, a burrito bowl from Taco Bell. He loved his, you know what, his Big Macs and shit. BK success can be attributed to the reclaim the flame. That's what a letter I sent to a girl is trying to give.

back in high school. She was no flame. She was a dud. Reclaim the flame campaign in which they committed, can you imagine having being in charge of this kind of budget? They committed $700 million through 2028 to revamping the restaurant's design. Yet there's kids who can't read at a little fucking third grade level. And tech and increasingly, well, they'll be working there. having the Whopper take center stage. I love a good Whopper. Ever try to eat one when you're driving? Oh my God.

You looked like you murdered your family on Christmas about the time you had done. BK President Tommy Curtis appeared in Wopper's relaunch ad along with another clip depicting him gleefully. And I mean gleefully, devouring a whopper in an apparent dig. The actual article said in an apparent McDonald's instead of dig at McDonald's,

which is what they meant. A dig at McDonald's CEO Chris Kizmsky's. Remember we showed him? Oh, he's like, oh, how do I handle it? Remember how bad he was? Fucking skinny white guy.

You could tell he had never had one. He had like a new whopper on the arts. A big arch in his hand. He's like, how do I even attack this? And then he took a nibble like a bitch, like he was a supermodel on a diet, trying to get a woe-wegovy commercial.

Oh, he just fucking nibbled it like a little faggot. At least Tom Curtis here enjoys his own, and he referred to it as product, the McDonald's. Oh, it was so bad. People tore him. Anyways, this guy was throwing a dig at him. This is Tom Curtis, the big shot of, you know, a Burger King. This is how you bite your product. That's how you should look like you blew somebody.

It's not bad, right? I don't know. Let me tell you something. That doesn't affect me like that. When I eat healthy, I have fucking problems. You know I mean? You're not going to find fiber or anything good in there that makes you shit. But again, I haven't had Taco Bell in forever.

Let me tell you about Taco Bell. It's like porn their commercials. It looks delicious, those deluxe boxes and shit. It looks tremendous. And you know what fast foods, and I'm not, you guys my age, you already know this. What's its best use when you're hung over? Everybody, yeah, they're. Something about the grease that soaks up all that acid and you're stomach of shit.

Let me tell you a quick story about Burger King. I was recruited by University of New Hampshire to play football. Went up there in the middle of the winter. And you go up there as a recruit and they put you with a current football player, you know, that's playing for New Hampshire. So I'm staying with some guy. We go out and get fucking, you know, hammered. They want to show you good time. Went to a couple frat parties and shit.

But 1 o'clock at a month, we go. back to the dorm, he went to bed. I had just gone to Burger King and got two whoppers. Because I'm fucking 18 and starving and drunk. I get two wharf him down in seconds. I go into this little TV room and there's like three students who live in the dorm. They weren't even football players. Just sitting in the dark watching TV.

So I start watching with them. Next thing I know, I wake up in a puck. of my own puke. Dallas, I'm not exaggerate. I was watching whatever the fuck. I wake up. I lift my face and there's the, you know, the Burger King sauce, the lettuce, the fucking it's on my shirt.

Oh, I take my shirt off. There's snow in the ground. It might be 10 degrees. This is fucking Dartmouth in New Hampshire. I go outside with the shirt. I want to throw it away. I don't want them to see that I threw up and just wear my jacket. I go outside.

The fucking door slams behind me. No shirt on. Luckily, he lived on the first floor right on the corner. How I remember that, I don't know. But I'm out there. No, fuck it. I bang on his window. He fucking, he was already in bed.

This kid doesn't even know me from Adam. Gets up, just opens the window. I climb in, he doesn't even ask any questions. He just shuts it and goes to bed. And then, in the morning, somebody knocks on his door was it him I think he went and got up

anyways somebody came and said who threw up in the fucking lobby last night and I was like this the kid started laughing his balls I go I think I'm going to come here I had a great time true story sounds like a book entry to me

yes didn't even think of that anyways that's fucking isn't that great that's my fast food story can imagine two operas not junior ones, two actual whoppers. Anyways, I love the shit.

I'm going to have some today. Andy's always like, cook, you know, make a chicken pot pie or make a steak, whatever. I go, no, let's, we get DoorDash. Let's get fucking Taco Bell load up. And then we can have a shit in contest. That's how marriage goes. Anyways, they notably revamped the recipe by bolstering the bun. What'd you do?

Make it look like a tit? Overhauling the mayo recipe. Uh-oh. I don't like that. You can hide a lot of shit in mayo if you know what I'm talking about. And serving the signature burger in a box. What is that, a sexual innuendo thing? In a box rather than swaddled in...

I like the paper. I like the paper. A change courtesy... Listen, here's how marketing guy. This is changing to a box from... paper. This is how the, this is a marketing guy's mind. He analogized it to outfitting the burger with a tuxedo instead of a leisure suit. You have to be fucking, in response to customer feedback this past winter, Curtis, co-rolled out the Wapper guarantee in which they pledged

to remake any Woppers that patrons deem unsatisfactory. Oh, that won't start a few gunfights. There's a certain segment of the population that, eat three quarters of it and say they want it fucking done right. You know who I'm talking about. That's right. Fucking Eskimos. I'm a big fan. What's the other fast food? You know who that's delicious

shit too? All of them. No, Sonic. I had Andy get me some shit at Sonic. I love that shit. I'm so sick of hearing about how bad and dangerous it is for you. I mean, don't eat it every day. But even if you did, Jay Leno did.

I got ass cancer. Oh boy. Let's move on to more snowflake academia bullshit. Get a load of this one, folks. A state school in Michigan is adopting a policy to cover freshmen's first semester grades. Cover.

Not as in financially. Cover. Don't even let the students see it. Listen to the mentality behind this. It's why we're dying as an industrial nation. Yeah. Your mom goes to college. Beginning fall

2027, the University of Michigan's College of Literature, Science, and the Arts, that's LSA, will not put grades on a student's transcripts from their first semester. The transcript will indicate either that the student passed or received no credit for each course, but will not include a letter grade. Am I making myself clear?

Can you fucking imagine? And here's the philosophy behind that. This first semester grade covering, it's called the first semester grade covering pilot program is intended to, in quotes, help students start strong and curb the mental health crisis unfolding among college age individuals.

Everything's a crisis when women are involved. Everything's a crisis. So let's say five or six Asian kids hang themselves because they got a C instead of an A and they can't go home. Big fucking deal. Crisis. What constitutes a crisis? This is where you want to dig into their language. Well, some kids get upset and they can't sleep because, well, they don't even know how they did.

Oh, I see. This is supposed to help them. You know if you suck at something when you take a test. You're like, oh, I fucking. Really? that's just hide that oh my god aren't they supposed to feel that way yeah prepares them for life yes you know what you do when you go to orientation at college they should kick you in the nuts and they go that's it you just walk into the student

center and some guy there with a clipboard kicks you in the nuts and you go what do you do that for that's what you're going to face for the next 50 is after you leave this dump enjoy right now or kick a girl right in her sponsor um Anyways, you believe that shit? The University of Michigan joins four other American universities that have similar programs, including now look, MIT does this, but I can understand MIT. You know what I mean? I can almost understand it there because it's MIT.

I know you're a genius to get in there, but can you imagine the workload at MI fucking T? I had a joke about it, too. You know, when your roommate, I can't remember my punchline. this was when I was like three years into comedy. I read that when your roommate in college commit suicide, you automatically get an A. And I had a bit about leaving rope all over the place for my depressed roommate

because I was flunk in finance. Hey, try these pills. Yeah, you get an A. You get a freaking A. Like I said, MIT, it's almost understandable. And they've been doing it since 1968. California Institute of Technology Tits it.

I mean, Wesley College, these are all as far left as you can go. Well, maybe, you know, I did comedy at fucking MIT once? I did,

try making those giant foreheads laugh with veins and shit. Oh my God. I did a Calvin reference. That's a type of temperature measurement. And I, like I said, I did it completely fucking ass backwards.

I did it at the Comedy Cellar. too wrong. Somebody points them. They liked me, though. I forget what else. I probably threw out a bunch of dick jokes. Anyways, I think I said, it's the first time I've performed

to 250 virgins. Anyways, Wesley College, Johns Hopkins University, which is a medical school and as tough as to get into it, you know, had a similar policy from 71 until they eliminated in 2017. But come on, this fucking school,

nobody's heard. Faculty members say that, Now, the faculty members don't agree with it. They say too often covered grades merely delays development of study skills and adaptation to college level work. Yeah, you're supposed to go, this is hard. I found college very hard. I know you're surprised. John Hopkins, Dean's Beverly J. Wenlin and Ed Schlesinger, they wrote that in an email to the students explaining the elimination of the policy.

at the same time covered grades negatively impact students who perform well as first semester freshmen yeah it should it works the other way around how about when you did great now you fire it up and you want to stay there and you want to you know always catering to the week to the victim it's just it's how it's a it's a intentional takedown of what made this country great an article in johns hoppin student published newsletter stated at the time. LSA students will still receive grades but won't be used on transcripts. Anyways. I have members of the graduating class. I have only one thing to say to you today. It's a jungle out there.

You got to look out for number one, but don't step at number two. And so, to all you graduates, as you go out into the world, my advice you is don't go. It's rough out there. Move back with your parents. Let them worry about it. Back to school. Great fucking movie. By the way, what he just said is basically what they're telling you. And you know what? Look, look how many kids are living with their parents now? Holy fucking moly. Finally tonight. Let's end up with a nice lighthearted story. Got a light, sir? A parks department

work, I handed a 10-year-old girl a lighter. She used to ignite an M-80. Now, I want you to concentrate on the M-80, it says in this part of the story, M-Fucking-80, that blew off her finger. If it's an M-80, it's going to blow off more than one finger, I believe. In a Staten Island park, the cop said that. Joshua Moe, here he is, as you can see, bright as a fucking candle. Joshua Moe, I went to school with his brother Ho, or sister.

24 years old, allegedly obliged when the girl asked him for a lighter. Fucking, how old is she? Ten? Imagine a 10-year-old girl? You got a stick of dynamite in your hand? Hey, you got a light? Asked him for a lighter inside the general Douglas McCall. That's kind of appropriate.

MacArthur Park on Jefferson Street in Donagan Hills around 6.40 p.m. The child then lit the illegal fire. Oh, it's a firecracker now. Good old New York Post. I think it was the post. So it went from an M-80 to a fire. fire, oh, just a little detail. It's like going to a jet plane crash.

I'm sorry, it was one of those model airplanes. What's it different? I had a firecracket go off in my fucking hand. And they tell you, don't get distracted, and it's exactly what I did. Did I tell you this before the show or during? Yeah, I lit when I had in my hand and my buddy threw a couple at my feet.

I'm going, what the fuck? And I stopped to run. And just as I remember, I look at my hand, the firecracket goes off. And I had no feeling in these fingers for like almost 10 days. And that was just a firecracker. An M80.

Jesus. Anyways, the child lit the illegal firecrack exploded and her left her. And her left her. I'm sorry. Now, I'm getting so. And left her with severe injuries to her left hand,

including at least one finger blown up. Yeah, firecrackers is not going to blow your face. I don't think. Maybe she had osteoporosis at six. Anyways, it's got to sting a little bit. Oh, apparently. Take it easy, whore. The girl's mom called 9-11 or 911 or 9-1-1, and she was taking a Staten Island University Hospital north.

Oh, no, she went to the north one. Anyways, Moe was arrested, the guy that fucking idiot at 7.10 p.m. and charged with endangering the welfare of a child and reckless endangerment. you can see here him at MIT it was not immediately clear how the girl obtained the firework probably blew Moe

Moe's arraignment was pending Wednesday according to Staten Island prosecutor let me tell you it's not just little young girls that don't know how to use fire we have had so many on the internet we have so many shit that goes by how about the Giants player Jason Pierre Paul JPP you played the New York Giants

unbelievable linemen or lineback I can't remember defensive end anyways he had something go off in his hand it's not like a fucking half stick and they showed his hand I showed it on the show they showed a picture of his hand at the hospital it's got to be out there still there's literally missing a couple of things and his bones

sticking out bones and skin hey you know you probably saw poor soldiers like can you fucking so he had a club hand and he went on to be like an all pro smacking people where they're like fucking like you're supposed to let's watch this there's always a clip this kid this kid here

you're not going to see his hand fly off but you can literally tell it did by the reaction of his friends check this out ready yeah yeah hold it a little longer

little longer my ass gone my ass gone my ass gone dog man one oh fuck That's how you know. That's what made it real for me.

Is that the guy, you think? Huh? Is that him? Is both his hands fucked? Oh, he's got a phone in one here. Look at that. Can you imagine looking down your hands gone? What a pussy.

What are you yelling about? That just stink. I don't know what hurts more. Let's say you blew half your fingers off or that. You know what I mean? It's got to be a tie. Can you imagine? But when his friend went, oh, fuck.

That's when you knew. That was real. Should we do the last one real quick? Yeah. I was like, fuck that. Let's get out of here. I agree. Finally tonight, football helmet horror,

a high school football player in Arkansas. The words together, I thought it was a new state we had, Arkansas had. Every right to be rattled after finding a venomous snake inside his helmet during practice. The Marmel high school student felt unusual movement inside his head gear,

following warm-ups last week and brought his helmet to an assistant coach for inspection. Can you imagine going to your coach? This feels there's something in a slithering two-foot cotton, you know, even I know I'm from the, a cotton mouth is fucking poisonous and deadly.

A slithering two-foot cotton mouth was discovered behind the padding in his helmet. Take your hat off. Excuse me? They don't sell hot dogs here.

They took the bleachers out two years ago. The pit viper was so reluctant to exit the helmet that animal control officers had to submerge the helmet in water and force the snake out, grabbing it with tongs and putting it in a salad by where it belonged. Check this out. A high school football player was wearing his helmet during practice. Oh my God.

when he felt something inside. It turned out to be a highly venomous cotton mouth snake. Animal services were told the player was wearing the helmet for up to an hour when they arrived. When the officers got there and stuff, they examined the helmet, and at that time they could see that there was a snake in the helmet. The cotton mouth, in my opinion, is probably the second most venomous snake here in Arkansas. If this snake would have been a bit of a child, it probably would have been very fatal. He's coming. Just wait because he's going to move.

Very fatal. That's all right. It's enough. Very fatal. You heard that? You're not just going to die. You're going to die. What?

Yeah, not partially fatal. You're not going to limp around and die. It was unreal, David said. You had to kind of be there and take pictures to say that was real. The player grabbed a different helmet. What a pussy. And continued to practice. That one had a giraffe in it.

They're like, what the fuck? But the situation caused the head coach to reiterate to his team. that players should examine their equipment carefully before using it, checking it for insects or maybe something larger and more dangerous. And you know what? That's a stupid tip. Because you know how I live, right? What are the odds?

This is how I live. That's like going, I don't want to play the lottery because I might win it. You know what? Your odds are winning the Powerball? Almost 300 million to one. And by the way, a guy today or yesterday in Illinois won the $1 billion. 0.08. Oh my God. Anyways, so that's it. Oh, let's show the lady. Is this the lady in the car? What do we get at the end? Oh, that was it. All right. All right, folks. That's the week for us. What's going on this weekend? Anything I should know about in Savannah? Any shootings? or.

Anyways, don't forget Cameo.com if you'd like me to roast a friend or a relative. Go to Cameo.com. That's it. You guys, thank it. I'll say it. You're very welcome. Have a great weekend with the people you hate or love or somebody in between.

And we'll see you back here on Monday. Bye, everybody. Hi. Good night, everybody.