The Nick DiPaolo Show - Muslim Mayhem At Mamdani Mansion | The Nick Di Paolo Show #1865

Episode Date: March 9, 2026

In today's episode, Nick talks about No 9/11 Lessons Learned in NYC, More Of The Same In Iran, James Carville's Meltdown, Guy Cuts Off His Member, College Hoops, Prank Gone Wrong and Alysa Liu On Ice!  The FULL SHOW is live streaming & FREE-ONLY on Rumble! Join our LIVE CHAT at 6pm ET every Mon-Thu or watch the FULL EPISODE anytime on demand after 7pm ET. Follow my Channel and get notified! https://rumble.com/c/TheNickDiPaoloShow MERCH - Grab some mugs, hats, hoodies, shirts, stickers etc… https://shop.nickdip.com/ PERSONAL VIDEO FROM ME – Send someone a personal video from me! Go to https://shoutout.us/nickdipaolo  or www.cameo.com/nickdipaolo SOCIALS/COMEDY- Follow me on Socials or Stream some of my Comedy!  https://nickdipaolo.komi.io/

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Beep, be, come back here and tell Lauren that they may take our lives but they'll never take Oh, freedom! Somebody ought to tell that to madame. Get to that scumbag in a second. Let me tell you something. The founding fathers, they were geniuses,

but one thing they weren't good at, and there's no way they could know this, but that the character and values of people could go so low. Because this whole thing depends on that. You know? There's a lot of trust involved.

You're inviting the world to live in your country and sounds great, but you think there was an MS-13 back then? It was the breadcoats, but at least they were proper and had a nice coach on when they're trying to kill you. You know what I'm saying? Anyways, welcome to the live lineup where you get my show. Louder with Crowder. I'll talk about that because I was just there and had a ball as usual.

And all these other shows for free if you wanted to add free, Rumble Premium is the way to go. So follow my channel and download the Rumble app. Today I'll be hitting on things like, oh, I don't know. I don't think we've learned anything from 9-11. And if we did, we forgot it already. We were United for about 30 seconds there, but then the left showed their true colors. We got more stuff on Iran, and who wants that job?

I put my thing on LinkedIn, and they hit me up. I said, I'm all busy. And then I did indeed. I put the fake hat on it. We get clips of the raging cage and fucking, we all know that James Carville's cuckoo. And I say he's nuts like that because his brother Tom had all the success

with the ice cream plays. So this fucking guy is furious. Damn it, you're too young to even know that, or are you? Remember Carvel ice cream? Fudgy the whale. We got a clip from Collin'Chopes. This guy has a habit of kick in other plays

than a ball, so I'm not making that up. Perfect story for this place. and a really horrible story, as you know, I have to bring in the downer, at least when the show's too late, but a horrible prank, a funny prank, I've been going on for years, went wrong, and you're not going to be how that ended. Evolved students and teachers, and it wasn't fucking. Surprise, surprise, surprise. So, yeah, I had a good time in Dallas, the Great Dallas area,

and it's just fucking, it's perfect, man. I just stay at a beautiful hotel with a beautiful bar. I told you, I text Dallas. I go, I'm drinking Stella. This is the only way bears should be served. And I know the fucking, oh, you know, like the wine tastes. Let it breathe. Suck my asshole.

Let that breathe. How about that? The Stellas, they almost had ice on. which is the way I need my beer. And I drank, it was like I was in high school. I drank five of them in about an hour. And I was slowing down on purpose. I didn't want the lady.

I was like embarrassed. She kept going, it was like iced tea on a hot day. And I really, I mean, oh my, I always like Stella's a pretty good beer. But Jesus, the combination is deadly. And just to make sure I was going to sleep, I had a shot. And then wanded up to my room by myself. It's really glamorous. And I couldn't even rub one out.

The elbow hurt, the neck. Had to call on the maid. She was about 72 from Ecuador. Hands like a fucking linebacker. But, yeah, so I went to Bommies the other day. I had same thing. Give me a fucking Stella, because I know they sit there. I see him in a case all the time.

And it's about the 11th bear. said's my favorite in the last couple months. You know what I'm saying? I fell back in love with beer. I got burnt out on it in college. That's about it. What the fuck else happened? There could have been a shooting at my house.

I wouldn't remember it. That's where I am, guys. I do it again. Go to bed last night about quarter of one. I'm proud of myself. I'm like, that's decent. Fucking five after three, I'm still up. Then I fall asleep.

And guess who wakes up at 4.45? and lays there and lays there. And then I took my phone out. I could hear all you guys yelling at me. You fucking idiot? I don't care. What am I going to lay here? And then I haven't worked out in months, folks.

I drop and do like fucking 20, 25 pushups like twice a day, which is enough when you're juicing. Now listen. So it's fucking, look, I'm aging at mock speed, and it's my brain I'm worried about. so I don't know anyways Tommy my agents working on dates I guess

sends me a list of cities first he goes on the phone he goes I go what do you got for me because it was two weeks ago since he's going to put this plan I've never heard from him and I go what do you got for me in a text I'm drafting an email that I'm sending you later tonight

translation he sounds like a fucking bureaucrat in D.C. We're gonna We're talking about a meeting that we're going to have to set a meeting. That's what that means from Tommy. So I wrote back, I said, I'll do respect, but I've heard this song before. I think you're fully, and he goes, you couldn't be more wrong. So, I don't know. Want some there?

I don't even want to fucking do the day. We're going to bunch them together, though. We're going to do like, he's going to come out with me. Remember you said that, Tom? I get you on fucking tape. No, that's me saying it. It doesn't work that way. We're going to do like, you know, a week.

And he said he's going to come out with me. One night after an ex, bang out like five of them. Do that like twice, maybe. There's your 10 or 12 dates for the year. I mean, I have me and Colin Quinter on the phone every day. Enough's enough. He's like, every time I talk to him, he's like, yeah, I'm heading to fucking, I don't know, Buffalo, helium.

And I'm like, oh. Then he's heading. He was in Key West with his cousin, and I'm like, oh, God. You got to admire him. That motherfucker, and he does, he's not, believe me, he's not, he doesn't want to be doing this at this fucking stage. It's fun, folks, don't get me wrong. And I hate myself even whining.

It's the best fucking, I stumbled into, it's like hitting the lottery. This is what I wanted to do when I was 12. You can interview a thousand people. You can interview 12,000 people today. And two of them might have doing what they want. for a living. Nobody as a kid goes, yeah, I want to fucking clean septic tanks.

You sure, Billy? Yeah, I like shit. I'm just saying, the fucking travel does you. Nice Seinfeld said that. I think he was talking to Tom Poppa on that radio show, but he goes, yeah, I was talking to Colin actually. He goes, yeah, the travel, that's what ends so many. And you can see why.

A comedian friend of mine from Chicago, John Campanara. Very funny dude. Loved him. I met him out in L.A. He got to normal bit. And he had a little bit of heat on him. He got a sitcom with Drew Carrey. It lasted. I don't know if it ever saw the light of day.

I remember they shot the pilot. But he was very funny and headlining across the car. And then he put an album out. He just sort of went away. He put a CD out. And the cover of it actually left scars on me. It was a picture of him. Now, he's been doing it 30-something years probably at this point.

at an airport looking up at that big thing with all the flights on it. And it made me literally get queasy. Oh, I'm like, really? He was just, he just had a pilot, NBC was hot on him, and it just all just dissipates. I had a few deals like that, too. Tony Danza, I had a deal with his fucking company.

And who else? Glenn Padnick, at Castle Rock. That's the fucking company that this side felt. It's, you know, because one out of a million hits, that's the, you know, but it's nice to be asked. But the point is, the point is, let's do a show so I can get out of here to take a dump. What? And action. I don't have to take a dump, folks.

Here's my new joke that's going on my book. I was so constipated. I hadn't taken a dump in so long when I did. I had postpartum depression. That's a good line. And it came up with another one. You know how they have Chris Rock has a bit about

The only job you got as a dad is keep your daughter off the pole Right My buddy goes Yeah I want to keep my daughter off the He has a gay gay daughter I want to keep Jennifer off the pole

He goes she wants to be a strip He goes no she wants to work for Carnette That's a good diet joke Come on All right enough Anyways 9-11 lessons learned Zero

is the headline. The protest is busted for hurling an IED. Did you hear what I just said? An IED. The left, here's what I'm worried about. If the Civil War doesn't start, it's never going to. We're going to let them do what they did to London. After the shit that went on in New York this weekend.

Thank you, Democrats. Thank you, Biden. Thank you the left. Not just for the last few years, for the last 50 years. Your fucking wet dream has come true. The goat has come home. to roost. The protest is busted for hurling an idea. Gracie

Mansion. That's where the mayor lives. I've been in there. That's where I met Giuliani. And he goes, hey, Paizan it. And then they took a picture. I never saw it. Remember? They threw it away. They didn't know who I was. I was with Carla Quinn. Anyways, these jerkoffs trained

with ISIS overseas and packed their bomb with Mother of Satan. Which is my I Those hot cherry peppers. That's what my wife calls him. I cook.

The mother of Satan, an explosive, long favored by international terrorists. Well, congratulations. Now it's domestic. The two pro-Muslims fanatics, Abraham Cayumi, right away, I don't let them in the country. Nick, you can't, yeah, I can.

Yeah, I can. What you need is me. You need a fucking dictator. Not even a benign one, a real one. A malignant one. I don't know the difference. Malignant dictator. Hey, he's a regular around

margins. And Mayor Balat, sounds like a field goal kicker, 18 years old, the other one's 19, both self-radicalized in recent years and traveled to Turkey and other terror training hutspots, you know, like the Jets

rookie camp. Law enforcement's close to the case said that. I'll show you some of the chaos. This is going on right outside the mayor's office. And let me set it up for you because even the jerkoffs got it wrong. What happened was, and again, once again,

well, it's going to be in the explanation. Let me show you the action first. Go ahead, roll it. That looks like the Alvara Holloway Fax Holloway fight. You'll be mine all day. All day. Pause. First of all, I don't know if these guys are paid.

Not the two criminals are criminal, but the rest of them. I don't know if there's Soros, people that get paid to show up. or whatever. You hear one kid, why being so rough with him? Well, he just threw an IED, you mind? First of all, like I owe you an explanation. Boy, we really need to bring the old NYPD

back when you crack somebody right in the head. Everybody has a camera today. So what? So what? I really believe people like me and you would outnumber the people who had a problem with somebody getting cracked at head with a baton. Like the cops owe them an explanation.

Is that it for that? Good. with him. What's wrong with you? Animal. Allow me. Allow me. Let's go.

You're the way you treat people. Show the f*** out. See how tough they are when there's a barrier. And they know that cops can't shut, pop them on. You see how tough and mouthy

they get? It's what's great and what, it's the best and worst thing about our democracy. That you can yap like that and not get your teeth knocked down the throat. I think you'd be able to be able to,

to get your teeth knocked on the throat. And, you know, I mean, that's the, as we say, I don't like to use this phrase because the left uses it all the time, but when people talk about free speech, well, these consequences free, yeah, there are. That's how it should be, though. The cop could crash and knock your teeth down your throat. And you got to say what you wanted. He got to do what he wanted.

No killing. That should be part of the free speech. Right? Anyways, that's enough. I can't watch it. It's right outside of Mandami's fucking. mansion, not really a mansion, it's a big house. Balat spent more than three months.

Listen to this. I'm talking about the two punks, 18 and 19. Belat spent more than three months in Istanbul last year, while Abraham flew to Istanbul in Saudi Arabia in 2024 and made a trip to Melbourne, Australia in 2019. Both admitted to cops after getting busted at a rowdy demonstration outside the mayor's residence on Saturday that they also watch ISIS videos

and tossed the bomb at a right, Right-wing agitators because they felt they insulted their religion. Couple of things. Again, I'm waiting to see left-wing agitators in writing. Left-wing far-left groups, liberal. I want to see these phrases. Liberal author. Left-wing, you still don't see it.

I've been saying this for a thousand years. You don't fucking see it. Second, to you filthy two Muslim fucks? Um, we can say anything we want about your fucking religion. And if you think for a second, maybe the shit will happen and you'll get away with it in New York. Try it in fucking Texas or Alabama or fucking Florida. Go ahead.

Because I'm pretty sure if two, if this happened in Florida and somebody beat the fuck out of these two, I think DeSantis would laugh about it. Give them the key to the fucking city. So we can say anything we want about your filthy cult, which is what it is, by the way. The homemade device consisted of sports drink bottles. Of course.

Anytime something bad happened, there's a monster drink involved. Sports drink. I was killed with shards of a Gatorade bottle. They're plastered. I know. Sports drink bottles filled with, oh, they use the old triacetone. and the tripoxie, which my wife uses on her hair, or the TATP, a substance favored by terrorists,

and known as Mother of Satan. Think of Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey mixed with battery gas. Which is so volatile it typically doesn't require a fuse to go off. That's what they say about me. That's my family. I've mellowed out now that my shoulders come out of the socket if I look at them wrong and my hip hurts and I don't sleep. keep my mouth shut at all times.

The same type of bomb was used in high-profile terror attacks in France and the UK over more than a decade ago. Fortunately, it failed to go off during the Saturday afternoon clash. Again, I'm talking about an IED that could have killed somebody between demonstrators backing right-wing activists. See, right-wing activists. Aren't they left-wing activists? They really are. You can call them Muslims, but you could call them far left. And the Democrats love them.

Jake Lang, he's supposedly the right-wing activists and pro-Muslim counter-protesters. So Jake Lang is a right-wing activist. They showed up to protest the fucking whole Muslim thing going down, right? Which is their right to. And these fuckers show up because they heard the right-wing groups in town and start shit and throw a fucking IED.

NYPD Commissioner Jessica Tish, there's no, there's problem number one. Even she's a, I don't care, I don't care how good she is. I want a guy that, well, Archie Bunker said, Archie Bunker, there was an episode where he went through the dry cleaners. It was owned by an Arab and his clothes got screwed up. I don't know if they got fucked up in the whatever, but he wanted to sue the guy, the Arab, own the dry cleaners.

And he said, I'm going to get me a good Jew lawyer. And Mike Meathead's like, Why are you going to say Jew lawyer, Arch? Why can't it just be a lawyer? Because when I'm suing an Arab, I want somebody who's full of hate. That was on CBS and prime time on a Monday night. You could say shit like that. Anyways, Jessica Tisch-Tish-Tish denounced earlier reports

that the device was a smoke bomb or a hoax and said it would have killed or maimed anyone near it had it exploded. The NYPD and the FBI are now working the case with search warrants being executed at the, Pennsylvania homes of Kayumi and Balat on Sunday. Both are due to be turned over to the feds. Oh, they were yesterday. Look at the scum.

Can't judge a book by its cover. Okay. Judge a container of hummus by its cover. You know what those kids will look good in besides a cell? A Nick DePaul a T-shirt. That's right. I'm segueing into it. Merch.

Go to nickdip.com, folks. Support the show. That's how you do it. You buy something. Put a hat on. We're going to get some hats with the, you know what, Kevlar hats, if you want to go to these rallies. We've got hats, hoodies, t-shirts, mugs,

wear it and piss off the right type of people. And if you want to send a personalized video to somebody where I can say happy birthday or give your kid a pep talk because he's a loser or whatever. Make a few jokes about your fat friends. Shoutout.us is where you go. Headline, I'll take dead a mom's,

for 200, Ken? I always want to say Alex, because if I say Ken, I don't think people know what I'm talking about. That's a jeopardy reference, folks. I know you know. Kamani's name as Iran's leader will continue. It's actually Kamani.

A member of Iran's assembly of experts, Hussein Ali Eshavari. Have you had the Eskavari? Holy shit is that fucking spicy. Said on Sunday, hinting that Motoba Kameney, The second son of the assassinate Ayatollah Ali Kamenei will become the new supreme leader.

I got a better one for him. Dead man walking. Can you imagine getting that, look, you can tell you doesn't even want it. Look at the look on us. Does he look excited? Guys, do you understand? I got to fucking homer right a bit on this. It's like, I don't even know how to fucking.

explain it. The Islamic regime, you might as well have just said, go ahead, cut my, you know, firing squad, whatever you do to people over here. The Islamic regime is elected a new Supreme leader on the same day that Taco Bell is released a new Supreme Burrito. Let me tell you something. Assembly of experts,

Member Ahmad Al-Madou, confirmed early on Sunday, despite denials from Iran's foreign minister, adding that Hussein E. Bushera is now responsible for announcing the decision semi-official mayor news agency reports. I subscribe to them, the mayor news.

With a majority of votes, the person who will continue the path of the Imam Khomeini and the path of the martyr Imam Khomeini, I don't want the word martyr in my title when I get a new job. You know what I'm saying?

Has been chosen. The name of Kamee will Kamani fuck off. Glad he's dead. I hate saying the name. Killed the wrong. rest of them. The vote has been cast and will be announced soon as Eshkavari. That's an easy one on a video carried by Iranian media. Iranian foreign minister Abbas Argachi. Okay, now you just test to me. Seen here with a Mark Turtleneck from Kmart had earlier denied claims that the Islamic regime

had elected a new supreme ruler on Sunday, despite multiple officials hinting that the Mojaba had been elected following significant pressure from the IRGC. You know, that is done to the Republican Guard. The Assembly met mostly online on Thursday to discuss the appointment after heavy pressure from the Revolutionary Guards, as we say in Boston. Fucking revolutionary guards, Tommy. They were all over the place. Fucking try to park my car. There's a fucking IED there. Appoint Mojaba, but delayed the announcement until Sunday. The second son has reportedly formed close to, so this is his second son, you know, Kamani that we killed recently.

This is his second son. we killed the other one, right? The first one? I can't even keep drug him. Trump's got a little thing. Fucking interracial porn. The second son has reportedly formed close ties with senior leadership

and the IRC according to the Guardian, including Ahmad Vahadi. Oh my God, we have to... I'm going to watch a Boston newscast just to hear this. You ever watch them in the fucking Red Sox game? They go, no ma! Amad Vahadi,

the newly appointed IRGC... commander and he's right for the job. Why is that, Nick? Hates Jews. Hades Jews. The announcement had reportedly been delayed over security fears that he too could be targeted.

The IDF's Farsi account confirmed on X that it would target the newly selected Supreme later. Those were some tough Jews. That's the guy's natural voice, by the way. He's not trying to... After neutralizing the tiring Khomeini,

the terrorist regime of Iran has attempted to rebuild itself and select a new leader. They were seen at Pepp Boys in the Bronx today. Iran's assembly of experts, which has not convened for decades, will soon gather in a city of Qom. You never want to go to Qom. By the way, that's spelled QOM, folks. We want to tell you that the hand of the state of Israel

will continue to pursue every successor. Boy, these aren't just words anymore. When Trump and Bibby, say this shit, folks, it's so far from a fucking threat. You know, it's not a threat, it's a promise. It's better than a promise. Might as well cut your own wrist tonight.

The Jews have, they know right where you are. Continue to pursue every successor and every person who seeks to appoint a successor. The account published or whatever, something like that. We want all those who intend to participate in the successor selection meeting that we will not hesitate to target you either. This is a warning.

Anyways, here's his first day on the job yesterday. Walks into his office. Oh, no. Aloh Akbar! Alohikmah! They killed them. Who? The Jews? No. The carous.

They said they can't get dental. Anyways. Let's move on to the Raging Cajun. I don't even have any, you'll be happy. I don't have any article for this. I just stumbled. Actually, Crowder sent it to me. And he sent to me with the text that said,

we have to break out the debates again. And I was like, I didn't know what he meant by that. And then it hits me when I'm laying on the couch like six hours later. I'm just laying the daydreaming. And I'm like, what the fuck? When I was there a few months ago, we did a thing where he played Carville because he does a great Carville. And I was, forget who I was, maybe Trump's.

press second. I don't know. I was in a debate with him and he was calling me a greasy guinea and and oh he does such a great you know anyways Carver puts himself post this he lost he had a meltdown this is how you know

Trump's winning guys I mean this guy's always been a little off but politically he got Clinton elected he's been living on that juice forever so he's a fucking maniac and a hateful in fucking, he looks like a human worm with glasses on.

He does, right? A snake. He's a fucking snake. But let's listen to, because he is entertaining. I watch this, I go, he sounded like a coach for LSU. They just got beat by Alabama. Listen to the hate he has for Trump.

It's refra- I don't know why. Like Bernie Sanders, those guys and this guy, they don't bother me. At least they're, I don't know, they're passionate about something. Even if it's the wrong thing, at least they don't. come out there and try to use pretty words and then stab you in the back.

This guy's the hateful fuck. And he married a Republican woman. Remember, they were always on TV together. Yeah, it's hilarious. He must beat her fucking eight times a day. I just kid, James, you fuck, Stain. Roll it. Look, you fat, fuck Trump.

If you listen to this, you listen good. Because what I'm getting ready to say is what a lot of people in this country speak for. Who I speak for. And I speak for a lot of fucking people. You hear me? you fat asso. This is what we believe. You're right.

I got Trump derangement syndrome. I hate the motherfucker. And you know what? I don't want to get rid of it. I don't want to get better. I want to get worse. I want to hate him more. I pray to God in heaven.

God reign the righteous reign of Trump derangement syndrome. I love about people down south, they'll say the most hateful shit and then follow it with this type of a quote from the Bible. Just like the black college athlete who, you know, I want to thank my Lord and Savior. I couldn't do this shit without him. The next night he rapes a girl in a dormant.

Drops two notches in the draft to third. Let the snake talk. Go ahead. Fuck, Stang. For me, Lord, I'm your best on this earth. Pray for the people that listen to this. We want more. We want to hate the son of a bitch so much that we can't see straight. you're already there, man.

What are you talking about? Look at your glasses. He looks like a snake with a baseball cap and glasses. Is that not a raging, Cajun to the core? Let me find what Crowder tweeted me because he did it and he wrote it the way he would say it. I wrote back, I just realized what you meant by, break out the debates.

and then he goes This is him doing Obviously I'm not going to do justice to it You de kind of boy To de Vain de shrimp Everyone know DeVane de best part He's gonna bring those out So keep an eye on Crowder

We did something Like I said him doing anybody Just cracks me to fuck up But the best part Oh my God Anyways you're just a sick First of all James You talk like you speak for everybody

And the truth, and I'll say this, you've heard me, say it a million times, and I'll keep saying it. Because of the media and the way it's so slanted to the left, you'd think this country was more liberal than it was, you know, conservative. And it's not even close. I still believe that. It's center-right. Well, how do they win elections? You know how. That's why they had to steal one.

Nobody believes their shit anymore. Yeah, but the midterm. It's all a game. It's all scripted. I just want to get out of it. Don't you feel like an extra on a play? I feel like I'm playing a fire hydrant. The movie's about dogs.

Anyhow, any he. But yeah, shut the fuck up, James. He's going to live till he's 100, by the way. You can tell. He's got no fat on him, one of those guys. And this shit is what keeps him alive. But I don't understand how you can say that shit about Trump, right? Just blew up Iran because the leader killed 30 to 40,000 protesters.

Innocent protesters. And you want us to believe, and that pisses you off, but you believe in America in what it stands. None of your shit computes, just like the left. Where's the outrage when Obama bombed Libya and Syria? I don't know. I think he liked Obama. That's why there's no outrage. See how I did it.

No, exactly. They're walking hypocrites. That's all I got to say. I can't waste my time on him. Get him on the phone. Let's move on to Hayes Stumpy. Oh, we're going to light it up. Here's where the show gets light, folks.

A disturbed man bled to death after... I'm not making the shit up. A disturbed man bled to death after apparently cutting off his own penis and mutilating other parts of his body in the dead of... of night Saturday downtown Los Angeles. That's right.

Must have had a thick dick. Police received a call about a man harming himself. One at him 12, one at him 12. See if the man with no cock at the corner of Broadway and fifth. Harming himself near the convention center. What better place to cut off your dick? Around 3.40 a.m. Saturday where a witness said the unidentified man, listen to this.

Some guy saw this, cut his penis off and bled to death. Well, if he didn't, I wouldn't trust him. Who reported that? KTLA in their dick cutting section. And other news outlets reported over the weekend. Police said the man also sliced his own throat, stabbed himself with a sharp instrument, and attempted to cut off his arm.

Now, hold a second. You said he cut his dick off and bled. let out. So did he cut his dick off last? He did all that shit before? How did you stab yourself in the throat and almost cut off your arm and live before you get to your dick. And then like me, like a psycho, I had to go on. This is why

I do have a problem. And I was going to send it to Tommy. Tommy doesn't like graphic shit. My manager. He does not like graphic shit. I sent him a picture of a guy. You know how you can go online and find some guy died on a construction site like a fucking, you know, a table saw. came off and just split his head like this. I sent that to Tom.

And I said, you and the wife, happy anniversary. Don't split up. Put it down. That's right. It's cornball shit. The witness also said that the man had taken off his clothing. Well, you don't want to get blood on it or dick meat. And was walking towards a 7-Eleven convenience store when he collapsed onto the side.

Oh, it was one of those delayed ones. claps on the sidewalk near the intersection of Figueroa Street and Pico Boulevard, no right, where it is. Downtown L.A. is... The Mint reported. Oh, did they? The mint. Just told you a reporter or stirred by a guy

who cut his dick off. Would you like to look at our coins? First responders pronounced the man who appeared to be in his 40s, dead on the scene. They tried to give him a Viagra, but no luck. his dick got hard but it was across the street

it's very confusing his bloody clothing was reportedly located a short distance from where his mutilated body was found and well of course what are you going to go police set up a white tent now see he gets a white tent I tried cut my dick off in high school

no tent they held up like a fucking some guy had a quilt it's an age quilt I was blowing a guy behind a dumpster it's a long story police set up a white tent of the scene to cover the life of his body of the man whose identity remains unknown.

We'll call him Wayne Newton. The Los Angeles County Medical Examiner is expected to determine the man's identity and could determine whether drugs were a motivating factor. Oh, do you think? Do you think? Yeah. I can't wait for the autopsy and it comes back and they said he had taken three Flintstone chewables. Of course his drugs involved, you dinkweed.

Anyways, here's some video of something. Or dad, you look like it. And give me a strawberry ice cream. Stupidest thing I've ever seen. And give me a vanilla ice cream. You mother Frasker! Why do you like vanilla? And why do you like strawberry?

Hey! Why both of you don't like chocolate? I'm gonna cut your dick! I'm gonna cut you! That was in a card, my wife gave. to me on my birthday it opened it up and cut my dick

fucking broad's crazy I just stumbled over that folks I go this I'm not going to find anything funnier that's what they find funny like in Mexico you hear the accent

I don't even know where the fucking anyways let's lighten up with some more shit legitimate fears that's the headline what do you mean tensions were running high between two rivals on Sunday

as the Michigan Wolverines men's basketball team again the world sport ever to watch. March Madness, I get it. Edge the Michigan State Spartans, 90, 80. What's a 10 point? Not exactly edging them. Spartans star Jeremy Fears,

Jr. What a great name for a black dude. Jeremy Fears. Junior, Drew scrutiny in the first half of the game. And it makes sense. When he kicked Toolwood opponent Elliot Kadoe's groin, He was called for a technical foul as the video review showed that he

swung his right leg backward into Caddo. Let's take a look at the video tape. And then he pretends. That's where you get, dude, you're a brother, you're a young brother, I'm sure it's not your first violation. You don't do this ever.

Ever watch your football? Defensive back, right? Goes like this when they might be interference. You just made it easy for the rep. I mean, you don't do that. and you're looted on the off-season, do you? Of course you don't. Kadeau immediately walked towards his bench

and called for head coach Dusty May to ask for a replay review. You know what reminds me of when you watch UFC every once in a while, a guy who gets kicked in the nuts, and it usually is, nine out of ten times it's an accident, but they'll show it on the big screen, and you hear 25,000 people go, oh! He says, I get foul.

Well, this is the kid who did the fouling, said, I get fouled. I should have probably just fell. He's crooked to the bone. I should have taken a dive instead of kicking the guy in the nuts. Fear said after the game, then he goes, it's an unfortunate situation. These kids much watch white guys on TV,

like politicians are in a hearing and pick up phrases like that. It's an unfortunate situation, like kids are starving in Bangladesh. You kick somebody in the nuts. Michigan State head coach Tom Izzo, said he didn't believe that fears kicked Kadoe on purpose. Well, that's exactly what he wants to believe.

But added that he chewed him out about it during the game. We have audio. He chewed him out at halftime, too. What a point that I'm getting the fuck out of here. I mean, if you're not going to recover Greg Graham, if you're just going to let him drive by you, if the rest of you're going to let him catch the ball outside the three-second lane and drive all the way in here without one guy challenging him,

then I'm leaving it. fucking guys will run through you can't eat suffer. Now, I'm tired of this shit. I'm sick and fucking tired of an 8-10 record. I'm fucking tired of losing to Purdue. I'm not here to fuck around this week. Now, you may be, but I'm not. Now, I'm going to fucking guarantee you

that if we don't pray up there Monday night, you're going to believe the next four fucking days. Now, I am not here to get my ass beat on Monday. Now, you better fucking understand that right now. My dad. This is absolute fucking bullshit. Now, I'll fucking run your ass right into the ground. I mean, I'll fucking run you.

You'll think last night was a fucking picnic. I had to sit around for a fucking year with an 8 and 10 record in this fucking late. And I mean, you will not put me in that fucking position again. Or you will goddamn pay for it like you can't fucking believe. Now, you better get your head out of your ass. I think I just figured out my sleep problem. That's what I use instead of white noise. I listen to that.

I think that is a problem. How great was that? That was my college football go. That's my dad and I left his hammer at my fucking buddy's house. I like how he brought up supper. Nobody is tougher. This is the coach again.

Izzo, by the way. Tom Isow, it's Spartan basketball. Legend. He said, nobody's tougher on him than me. I can't believe he's still coaching. These guys fucking, they really do eat sleeping. Nobody will be tougher on him than me. Izzo said during an in-game interview with CBS that fears, I love that name, is under a microscope

because of what was said following the previous game, fears in a game against the Golden Gophers of Minnesota swung his leg backward to hit Langston Reynolds' groin area and was called for a foul. He received a technical foul on a review. He came under scrutiny again, again. the Illinois fighting out lion eye when coach Brad Underwood asked officials to look at whether Fears intentionally tripped David Murkovic after stopping in front of him. Underwood didn't win the appeal. Fears has had a breakout season.

Yeah, he's paralyzed three point guards and blinded a kid in the crowd. In his third year with the Spartans, he's averaging 15.1 points per game. and three vasectomies. Is leading the nation with 9.1 assists per game. Wow, that is pretty good. Again, you know what, folks? I first read it, I went punk, punk, but I like that.

Fuck, and they lost an appeal. And that one, you know, he's Dennis Rodman. That was the whole Pistons team, folks, in the 80s. They all did it. They would trip you, push you from behind when you go on in for a layup. it was great. When the Celtics, and this is the Larry Bird era, played the Pistons,

it was like the Red Sox Yankees, it was like fucking, you know what, the Flyers and the Bruins, it's going to be Fistichuffs, in a basketball. And Kevin McHale didn't put up with him. Bill Lamb Bayer was the dirtiest motherfucker, white dude, who I loved. I hated him for a few years, and I go, God, I'd like to have him on the Celtics. You need one. You need a punk ass.

Anyways, I thought I'd show you that. And the guy's name is Fear. beautiful let's move on to prankster now a gangster what this is a this a tragic story a gainsville Georgia teenager is facing charges after investigators say a north hall high school teacher was run over and killed late Friday night here's the little bit of the local news the school hosted a memorial for Jason Hughes earlier this afternoon now since we've been out here we've seen several students and even teachers pull up and place flowers at this growing memorial that you now see outside of the school. The Hall County Sheriff's Office said 18-year-old Jaden Ryan Wallace

is charged with first-degree vehicular homicide and reckless driving in connection with the death of Jason Hughes, 40-year-old schoolteacher of Gainesville. Deputies were called around 1140 p.m. on Friday night to the 4,400 block of Northgate Drive after reports that a man had been run over by a vehicle. Hall County Fire Rescue transported Hughes to Northeast Georgia Medical Center, where he later died. Authorities say Wallace and four other people had gone to the home and covered trees on the property with toilet paper, which people, kids have been doing for a thousand years. According to deputies, Hughes came outside and the group got into two vehicles to leave.

the area. As Wallace began driving his pickup truck on Northgate Drive, investigators say he used, the teacher, tripped and fell into the roadway and was run over by the truck. Authority said Wallace and the others, Wallace

is a kid driving, stopped and tried to render aid while emergency crews responded. Deputies arrested Wallace at the scene. He also faces misdemeanor charges of criminal trespassing, and this is the one that killed me and littering.

Make sure you get him on that littering. The guy dead. We got to reduce to littering. You mean the toilet paper? No. You fucked them in the road. It's a litter. What? Four others who were with a...

I wonder if they called Morgan and Morgan. Oh, he can't. He's white. Four others who were with Wallace were also arrested at the scene charged with criminal trespassing and littering and touching the shaman. Squeezing it. It would have been funny if I said, no, fuck you.

Let's move on. Let me calm down. Oh, the other thing I did this weekend, I went to a place called The Talks. It's right next to Whole Foods. It's one of these, it's not for drug and booze. It's massage, and they detox. You, they do all your lymph node. They do your whole body, and it's supposed to release all the toxins and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I don't believe any of it. Wife got it for me. God bless her, because my fucking neck. and there's something going on. You don't have a fucking... You don't have a stiff neck for a fucking year, do you? How much Viagra did I take? Dallas, does that make sense?

It's your dick gets hard when you take. Why is that funny? I don't get it. Yeah, I went there and they did the old rub down, but, you know, it's nice and relaxing, the music and shit, and... But I'm just, you know, me. I'm a cynical fuck.

And I'm not saying, if you get serious tension, you're better off doing, I should have went to my wife, she goes to like the Asian guys, whatever, and they dig in your fucking back with their elbows. You know, and you don't say it feels because they're punching the back of the head and they pretend they're rubbing you.

I went in there, they get pissed to me. I went in there, I had my eyes pull back with duct tape. I said, I like my footerabla. Anyways, yeah, I did that. Anyways, yeah, I did that. Here's what's funny. Hour and 40 minutes rubbed from head to toe.

Well, not the fun kind. This is an legitimate place. That's why I was bored. I like the one that's fucking, you know, behind it's upstairs from a dry cleanings. The family downstairs, they're illegit, and the daughters are up there, yanking people. That type of shit I like.

But that's way before marriage. Anyways. So yes, I did that. And what's funny is most people, after being rubbed down for an hour and whatever the fuck, you'd think you'd be calm. right? I'm on the way home.

Somebody cuts me off. I'm like, you motherfucker! Sound like Bobby Knight. I'm supposed to be. That should have, that shouldn't have happened. And all the toxins and my wife goes, they've been doing for thousands of years. I go, yes, people have been getting taken for thousands of years. You get it? You know what I'm saying?

P.T. Bonham was fucking ripping people off in the 20s. What the fuck? Yes, it felt good, whatever. And she, fucking $210 and then a tip on top of it. She thinks I'm like, Vain Cook. I don't get that kind of money. Anyways, it did nothing for me. I felt a little looser yesterday,

but I'm back to fucking square one. But she did buy me a nice pillow that I'm trying out. It's two girls' legs. And I put my head on its flat stomach. Okay, enough of that. a nice ass. Alyssa Lou put on ice is the next story. I like this figure skater.

Alyssa Liu. She's of Chinese descent, right? Her parents are, whatever. She was raised in San Francisco. This is the good one. There was another Chinese girl, American girl. No, she was born in San Francisco, the cunt. Right?

She was representing China in the Olympics, but she grew up in San Francisco. That's not this one. This is another one. But I heard her speak. This one won the gold medal. And she was actually inspiring. You know me, I don't say that much about female athletes.

But less than a month after winning Olympic gold, U.S. figure skating sensation, Elisa Liu, appears to have surprisingly pulled out of the world figure skating championship in Prague. That's in the Czech Republic, folks. There she is waving to me at the bus stop. Lou is no longer listed among the events. participants on the International Skating Union website. Her original spot is now filled by

Dick Buttons. Filled by second alternate Sarah Everhart. Let's take a look a little bit of Miss Luke because she won the gold medal first time since 2020 years that the woman won the singles.

This is Gretzky's gay son. Look at him go. I was dancing this with my shirt off during the Olympic. Anyways, The reason for Lou's sudden absence from the roster was not immediately revealed. The change comes just days after Lou revealed on social media that she was recently chased to her car by a spectator. Why is chased in quotes? So I'd land at the airport.

This is her talking online on the internet. There's a crowd waiting at the exit with cameras and things like when I come out of the funny bone for me to sign. She wrote in an Instagram story all up in my personal space. Yeah, then what happened? Someone chased me to my car, bro. Is she trying to be black, too? Can we stop acting black? Now you get Asian slash white woman figures

get a talk like she's a fuck. Fucking bruh. Please don't do that to me, bra. Now I'm starting to dislike her. What's this motherless fuck's name? We don't know who this guy is. Chinese probably. Lou went to temporary retirement

shortly after her first Olympic appearance in 2022. Her father, Arthur Liu, said it was due to trauma. Now they told this story during the Olympics, and she won the World Games, you know, when you're not in the Olympics, the years in between that, you still participate against people

from all over the world. She won. After only, and she got into it late. And she became really unhappy, the dad said, about what, and that she retired. She avoided the ice rink at all costs. She's traumatized. She was just traumatized.

She was suffering from PTSD, and she wouldn't go near the ice rink. Now, I remember her telling the story. She made it sound like she just got tired of it because she goes, I was only 14 years old. You know I mean? And I didn't have a life. I was at the rink all the time, didn't get to spend time with my friends. So I wanted to get away from it.

That was her story during the Olympics. But it's a little more nefarious in nature. Before her parents in the 2022 Beijing Games, she and her father were the alleged targets. Listen to this, of a spying operation by the Chinese government. Liu called the experience a little bit freaky and exciting. I'm making you a nice brok here. Why'd I do that with a fucking Tibetan accent?

Arthur Liu told the AP in 2022, they are probably just trying to intimidate us. they have audio of them when they call them I kill you I kill you right now kill me I'm right here kill me

okay I come with two chops stick I shove up your ayes Oh shoot chops stick Come over here Talk to me in the face Like a some booty Like that booty Trying to intimidate us

This is the dad talking In a way He's talking about the fucking Chinese government In a way threaten us not to say anything To cause trouble to them And say anything political Or related to human rights violations

in China. This guy's get stones, doesn't he? I had concerns about her safety, yet I still put her out there. The U.S. government did a good job protecting her. Finally, somebody who likes us. In February, she made history as the first American to win Olympic gold

and a woman's individual figure. So I'm guessing something similar happened, and that's why she really quit originally. You know what I mean? Because her story, she goes, I got tired of it. That sounds believable, too. because they practiced eight hours a day and shit.

So she quit. And then she went on a ski vacation with her friends. She had never skied and had so much fun. She said, it made her want to get back into competition again. Which I'm like, how does having fun skiing make you want to get back into something? I don't know. But I'm guessing it might have been something similar to this. It could be wrong.

Figures in 2002. And the first American woman to medal at all in the event since 2008. There's only one figure skated for me, and that's Dorothy Hamill. I told you. I was in love with her when I was 14, 1976. Oh! I had a TV guy hidden in my bedroom with her on the cover. Couldn't get it open with a fucking pair of pliers and a blowtorch.

It was very sticky. Good night, everybody. Good luck. At all on the events, it's true. However, it appears that many of her new fans now won't get to see. see her compete in Prague. I know it pissed me off. I had my heart set on...

Bucca, Louis went to Prague, like, just for... It's just years ago when he was still young. Just wanted to see what it was looking. Fucking guy's amazing. Then he went to Russia. Went to Russia, just like on a whim. And he was telling me his story. He went into a restaurant,

and it was all kind of dark and shit in the middle of the day, and he's like, only one in there. And then they bring Mada's food. eating all of a sudden two guys like with rifles standing near the fucking bar. Just him eating.

I fucking, yeah, Louis. Just what Louis wanted to happen. Believe me. He would have been disappointed otherwise. Talking about Louis C.K. Bugs. Me and him, when we first moved to New York, we went to a restaurant owned by Carol O'Connor, Archie Bunker. He had an Irish restaurant.

We went in, again, middle, like on Tuesday afternoon, like 2 o'clock, it's 109 degrees. We used to just walk around the city. You know, you're all like, ugh. So we order our food. I still remember it. I, you know, I'm having prime rib at 2 o'clock on a Tuesday. I have $11 to my name.

And it was just like a piece of fucking cold roast beef. Everything was ice cold. So, Louis sucked till we're eating, and he's talking about how bad it is, you know? And I'm trying to cut my fucking tough meat and shit. Then I see Louis get up and starts walking. And I look all my shoulder. Then he goes out the door. I go, what the fuck?

Now I got to beat it. Of course, the waiter comes right around the, and I just walk out. And Louis's fucking sprinting down the sidewalk. And he and he's laughing his balls on. I go, what the fuck? How about a plan? So they're going to make a movie on it.

Ocean's 14. They're going to go. Anyways, that's a true story. Carol O'Connor. That's it, folks, for today. because I got the neck of a paralyzed sea elephant. Don't forget, if you like a, what do you call it? A personalized video for me,

roasting one of your friends are saying, your mom's got beautiful tatties. Go to cameo.com. Click on my profile. It'll tell you what to do. That is it for today, boys and girls. I'll be on vacation next week. But you got me till Thursday, so ooh, ooh, ooh.

You guys, thank you, I'll say, you're very welcome. We'll see you back here at the same time tomorrow. Have a good day, everybody. Hi, good night, everybody.