The Nick DiPaolo Show - NASA's Mystery Scientists Theater | The Nick Di Paolo Show #1883

Episode Date: April 20, 2026

In today's episode, Nick talks about Navy Handling Business in the Strait, UFO & Nuclear Conspiracy, Moore the Prom King, Woman Bites Cop, Hot Air, Umpire Jumped and Cancer and Infertility!  The FULL SHOW is live streaming & FREE-ONLY on Rumble! Join our LIVE CHAT at 6pm ET every Mon-Thu or watch the FULL EPISODE anytime on demand after 7pm ET. Follow my Channel and get notified! https://rumble.com/c/TheNickDiPaoloShow GET TOUR DATES & TICKETS - https://www.nickdip.com/tour MERCH - Grab some mugs, hats, hoodies, shirts, stickers etc… https://shop.nickdip.com/ PERSONAL VIDEO FROM ME – Send someone a personal video from me! Go to https://shoutout.us/nickdipaolo  or www.cameo.com/nickdipaolo SOCIALS/COMEDY- Follow me on Socials or Stream some of my Comedy!  https://nickdipaolo.komi.io/

Welcome on a Monday. How are you, folks? Great to be with you. Welcome to the live lineup where it's free shows all day. And if you want ad-free viewership, join Rumble Premium. No commercials. Don't forget to follow my channel, whatever that is, and download the Rumble app. Today we'll be talking about the Navy taking care of business at the Strait of Hormuz,

the Iranians of Pullamish. again saying one thing and then signing this and not doing that and then it's saying it's our fault and I got a feeling it's gonna look like confedity confedity yeah confedity it's a combination of confetti and confederate soldiers what they threw up that the fuck is going on here also some I know you guys have heard about this story there's like about 11 top scientists that deal with the UFO and nuclear stuff who are they've gone they've been missing and And finally, it takes 11 before we go, hey, something's up. Not five, not four.

And we did a story last week, and this guy should get more ink. Maybe he did. I don't know. I don't watch morning shows. This principal at a high school somewhere named Moore, older guy, stopped a school shooter who came in the lobby. And actually, he got shot in the leg, the principal, and tackled this motherfucker. We'll show the clip again.

Don't do that. You grossing me out. Yeah, scratch your nose. your elbow. More. Yeah, so they had a prom. Was that the prom? They had a prom and he was like the, you know,

hero, king of the prom. He was wrecking. It's good to see young kids be, you know, grateful that somebody did something nice. That's about it. And a story about cancer. We always like to end the show and I know. No, it's actually research.

I thought it was upbeat. That's why I picked it. So weekend-wise, very fun. Dallas's kid turned one, Dimitri. So me and Andy went over to this party at this great joint. What's it called, Dallas? West Broad Banshell. West Broad Banchel.

Agatha's in the back. Yeah. And he did a little mystery theater thing. His whole, her family, it was great. And the first time I'd seen Dmitri. I don't want to see babies before they won. I look at this Santa Man. This kid.

It's cute. And I don't say that. If I tell you, I've told people to their face, including my sister's, ugly baby. It's white and healthy. That's all I give a fuck. But, yes, Dimitri, handsome little kid. Poster is everywhere. That was cracking us up.

Kid looks like a movie star. He's got the little bolo cap on. He's staring at it. He's got like a wife beater on, forearms. Good time. Got a nice buzz. Then I went to Bommies to make sure that buzz stayed for another whatever. That was good.

Bruins Red Sox. Holy shit, folks. Real quick. You know, I have to give you, because they're out Boston fans that would like me. Red Sox, P.U. They lost two out of three. They're playing this morning, actually.

I don't want to know. Like it's a live show, somebody's going to call it. They've got an 11 o'clock game. Patriots Day. Anyways, the Tigers had taken two out of three. And Garrett Crochet, our fucking ace in the hole pitcher, doesn't look like himself. He struck out a six or seven and about four.

four runnings, but he gave up a couple bombs. He just doesn't do. There's something up. Anyways, Cora better watch. He's going to get his ass fired. I still think they're going to change. It's very early. It's not like the New York Mets. Listen to this. The Mets are always

a soap opera, right? Always. When I lived in New York, they were front-page news every day. Somebody fighting, not getting along. The owners, just, the fans are brutal on them. They've dropped. Listen to this. I don't know how you get this bad, this quick, on the season 12 in a row.

If that's not bad enough, they have the highest payroll in Major League Baseball, more than the Dodgers. That's probably because, to be fair, the Dodgers, Otani deferred a ton of his money. In other words, he'll get it later on in life. But they have a higher payroll than the, they have the highest payroll of baseball,

and they've lost 12 in a row. And you can't do that in New York. I would cut my arm off to listen to some of those radio calling shows. Oh, those guys are. so funny. Yeah, Vinnie from Queens. What the fuck, beep. Hello, Mike from

Brutel. Here's the one last. Bruins playing Buffalo. Bruins lost, Bruins didn't make the playoffs last year. First time in nine years. They missed the playoffs. Buffalo hasn't been in the playoffs in 14 years. You understand that?

It's the longest drought in the history of NHL. Somehow, they were a laughing stalk at the beginning of this year. Somehow they got really good and won the whole goddamn conference. Number one seed, I think. So the Bruins had to play them

last night at Buffalo. That's a hard place to play in anyways. Never mind when they're dying to see playoff hockey. And you're like, oh my God. How are we going to? And the Bruins, long story short, they're up to nothing most of the game. The place is silent.

The announcers are like, it went from mayhem in here to like a funeral. Eight minutes left. We're still up two nothing. Final score. Buffalo four, Bruins three. What? What? You heard me. I've been there before. Me and my brother, I, I, our goal he was keeping us in it, playing on his standing on his head, and

then the defense broke down with eight minutes late. They choke. It's just a choke. There's nothing, no other way to call it. It is what it is. It was a choke. They gave up three goals in four and a half minutes. The last two within 30 seconds of each other. They're placed. I thought the roof was going to come off. Because we used to do that to Buffalo all the time, like in Toronto.

We always fuck them guys like that. And it's a young Bruins team. They are almost the youngest team in the league. They looked it, but it was their veterans who were shit in the bed. McAvoy and Andrew Peek, the defense just choked. They couldn't clear the puck.

And anyways, that's that. Nick, what do we care? Hey, it's my show. Kiss my tits. And then my ass. Anyways, that's about it, I guess. Worked on my book, banged out another, I don't know, eight pages on religion. It's pretty goddamn funny, too.

And it's all true. My first confession, I went into the booth. I remember it was dark and damp and smelled faintly like a fart. And I said, I guess the body of Christ didn't agree with my friend's stomach. I kid that went in before. It's all true. Every bit of it's true. The church was right up the street, so it was very hard to...

That smell was your penance. I wish. No, I don't. I don't know. You know what? You're right. I think I... I mean, you're seven years. You're eight years old when you make your confession. What do I have to confess to them? I'm eight. Meanwhile, this guy has the handkerchiefs of 12 Cub Scouts hanging in his bedroom as souvenirs.

and he's got the Boy Scouts poop on his dick and I'm telling him that I threw paste at my friend in first grade and lied to my mother about something. You know, what a creepy fucking anyhow.

That's about it, I guess. Making a roast chicken tonight. Doing it right. This Billy Parisi guy keeps sending me you know. You answer one email on YouTube. Anybody who has a channel and you get bombarded, you know, like a chef. But rose chicken, and I've seen

roast chicken done a million ways, but this way it's the way they teach them in a restaurant and it looks actually, I did it right. You know, I'd give the dry brine for, it's in my refrigerator right now, drying out the skin. You don't want to hear all this. Anyways, then you poke it with 100 holes in it, just skin deep. And that's what it's cooking.

the fat comes out, and you brown it in the cast iron skillet on all sides first. And you almost cook it like a steak. You throw a half a stick of butter and you keep basting it with the butter before you put it in the oven at 425 degrees. And I went, I haven't done that yet. So I'm going to do it. Sound good, don't it? Oh, I'm going to take pictures of the black people standing in the line of my lawn.

Yeah, no, it's roasted. Where are you going? What are you doing? By the way, I love it down here. And it's more black people than white people. And they love me. I give them the bird every time they walk by the house. All right, let's get on to the fucking enough of the silliness.

Interesting things, huh? Going on out there in the Middle East. Holy ship. The United States seized an Iranian flagged cargo ship after blowing a hole in its engine room when it tried to bring. break past the Navy blockade of the Strait of Hormuz. Trump revealed that yesterday.

The USS Spruent's destroyer intercepted Iran's Tuska cargo ship in the Gulf of Oman, taking custody of the ship after it refused warnings to stop. Brown people just don't pull over the cops. Anyways, that's what the president said they refused to stop. Let me just burp up this coffee. I know what's going on. A sentcom video shared online by Reuters, chief national security reporter,

showed the U.S. Navy ship warning those abroad, the Iranian cargo ship to vacate its engine room before firing multiple blasts. I didn't show you that clip because it wasn't that exciting other than him saying, get out of the engine room, we're going to blow it up. They did. Are we the only country that warns people like that?

Very nice, isn't it? Anyways, so we, yeah, here's some good footage of shit that probably Dallas used to do crazy fuck. That's the traffic chock for Afghanistan. Look at this shit. Time to scale down that rope. Oh, my God. You got to have a plan and you got to stick to that plan. How great is that, though?

Looks like a commercial, doesn't it? Yeah. For recruiting. That's what it should be, not Adol-Mavine with a yeast infection. an address. Today, an Iranian flag cargo ship named Tuska, nearly 900 feet long and weighing almost as much as an aircraft carrier, tried to get past our naval blockade, and it did not go well for them. Trump boasted on truth social. Right now, U.S. Marines, this is Trump talking, have custody of the vessel, the president added, the Tuska is under U.S. Treasury sanctions

because of their prior history of illegal activity. We have full custody of the ship and our seeing what's on board. Trump told the post earlier in the day Sunday that his special envoy, Steve Whitkoff and Jared Kushner, will head to Pakistan for the talks. The White House confirmed that Vice President J.D. Vance will lead the discussions, but a top Iranian official has said Tehran

won't participate in the talks citing concerns that the United States demands are too tough. Poor you. You know what? If you don't do what Trump says, he's made it clear, and you're going to be singing this. Farewell underdo to you fair Spanish ladies.

Farewell, lauderdue ladies to Spain. For we've received orders for to sail back to Boston. And so never more shall we see you. Go ahead. Keep fucking around with Trump. What are you guys nuts? But here's the thing, Dallas. And this came to me as I was on the shitter where I do my best thinking like everybody. Of course, they're not afraid of getting blown up. Their whole religion is based on dying. You understand? That's the big reward. As you know, they get the 72 virgins. You know, we get a bunch of whores that used to hang to Club 54 in New York, all diseased and shit.

They're still up their party and waiting for us with their fucking cum-caped legs. Wow, that was a... Delicious. Jesus, I just pictured a Cinebun. Oh, my God. What up. I can paint the picture, folks. That's why you want to read my book.

It's nothing but pictures. Not literally pictures. Hey, May 7th, and I can't believe I'm doing this. haven't been on stage in about eight months and I'm already nervous about it. The punchline in Atlanta, Georgia on May 7th, and that's on a Thursday. Then the next night on Friday, May 8th, Seoul Joles in Potsdam, PA. And then on May 9th, that Saturday night, it's three nights in a row. Rivers Casino in Philly.

Go to Nick Dip.com to get your tickets now. Merchandise page if you go to Nick Dip.com. All kinds of stuff to support this show. We appreciate it. Pick up something. Hoodies, t-shirts, hats, mugs, spatulas. We got, what do you call it? It's fuck, snow ties if they make those anymore. Fake tits and false teeth are old people.

It says it right across the thing. Also, Jesus Christ, you know, we're going to break this up. This is a fucking infomercial. Always, you want to send a personalized video to somebody. I'll say what you don't have to. You know, what you're thinking. I'll say it for you. In a personal video, we can roast a kid or whatever the fuck.

Shoutout.us. Do that, okay? Let's move on to coincidence my ass. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. Last year, I went through many different life changes. I needed to take a pause and examine how I was feeling in the inside to better show up for the ones who need me to be my best version of myself. When you're navigating life's changes, Talkspace can help. Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatry providers that you can access any time.

anywhere. Living a busy life, navigating a long-distance relationship, becoming a first stepfather, Talkspace made all of those journeys possible. I could speak with my therapist in the office. I could speak of my therapist in the comfort of my home. I was never alone. Talkspace works with most major insurers and most insured members have a $0.00 copay. No insurance, no problem. Now get $80 off your first month with promo code space 80 when you go to talkspace.com. Match with a licensed therapist today at Talkspace.com. Save $80 with code space 80 at Talkspace.com. Here's a very interesting story that has been developing over the last several weeks.

Here's a little bit of pro news to give the headline show that I'm not making it up. As many as 11 scientists working on UFO or nuclear power research have either died or mysteriously disappeared since 2022. It became shorter than I wanted. do. Yes. You hear that? 11 or 12? 11. Over the last couple of years, they all basically do the same thing for a living. I said to Dells took us,

well, I said it during the opening. Why wouldn't we go, you know what? There's a pattern after three. I bet you're the family who's eight going. What are you doing about this? They're all friends. One of them had a birthday party. He was only one person there left. House Oversight Committee Chairman James Coma, who has the job of getting to the bottom of all these shitstorms, warned Sunday that something sinister could be happening. Well, you're a detective.

After 11 scientists mainly tied to the U.S. nuclear and space research programs reportedly died or went missing under the mysterious circumstances, raising urgent national security concerns. We've put a notice out to the Department of War. You know, I'm no, detective, but you're like, who would be interested in our nuclear secrets? Oh, I don't know. Russia, China.

They're the only ones that have the ability to fucking steal our shit. They put a notice out to the Department of War, to the FBI, to NASA, to the Department of Energy, that we want to know everything that they know about what happened with these science. Yeah, why have they been? so quiet. Because those four eight, oh, I know why, because fucking Biden was in office for a few of those years.

Because those four agencies were brought on, these people probably buried under Obama's house in Maryland or something. How's that for blaming somebody? We're predominantly the agencies that those 11 individuals were affiliated with, and we want to try to piece this together.

Comer plans to bring the leaders of these offices before Congress, but said he sent the letters first to allow them time to ensure their testimony would not compromise any potential classified investigations. Well, that makes sense. He said he hoped anyone with information would bring it to the Oversight Committee and that anyone affiliated with America's nuclear program should be on alert.

Yeah, I would be changing jobs. I'd be working at a bowling alley. Why bowling? I like it. given the possible security risk to the nation. We know there are many countries around the world that would love to have our knowledge and nuclear capabilities.

I'm not pointing fingers. We've seen or deceased figures include experimental propulsion research researcher. Amy Eskridge, I think she was one of the latest ones, 34 years old, retired Air Force Major General, William Neal McCaslin, 68, NASA scientist, Monica Hacinto Racer, 60 years old, contractor Stephen Garcia, 48 years old, astrophysicists, I did that for a while, bore the shit out of me, Carl Grillmare, 47 years old, MIT physicist, Nuno Lorario, 47 years old, NASA engineer, Frank

Maewald, 61 years old, Los Alamos linked employees, Melissa Cassius, 53, and Anthony Chavez, 79. A lot of Hispanics. I didn't know that. Seriously. NASA Research, Michael David Hicks, 59, and pharmaceutical scientists, Jason Thomas, 45. These are young people, the majority of them. I hope it's random, but we're going to know in the next week and a half, Trump told reporters Thursday.

I just left a meeting on that subject. And as you know, because of brilliant. people like Eric Swalwell, this country's swarming with Chinese scientists and professors and pretending to be students and Russia. Can't put it past them either. You know, the hook is, that's what they do. Let's move on to more praise for more. The heroic Oklahoma High School principal, and again, I hope this guy was on a lot of shows.

Shot tackling and Columbine-obsessed school shooter was crowned prom king. and actually got laid. No. That would have been a real reward. Nah. Then you would have been in trouble. Haled by students for saving their lives. Heartwarming video shows that if you don't believe me.

First, let's take a look again at what this brave dude did to deserve such a warm reception at the prom. And this, again, I don't know. I watch a lot of TV, but again, did you say, you and I covered it? And they probably touched on it, like on the five maybe or something. But check this out. This is a big deal.

Shooter, gun in his left hand. Oh, sacked. That's got to beat. Imagine your heart racing. He's an old man holding that guy down. Now here comes chubby, kicks the gun away. He wants credit. So he had to Baskin-Robbins.

They gave him a pint of Sherbert. Larry, the cable, got. came in there. Another guy came in later too. But guys, folks, think about that. And we showed a clip last year. Remember there's a guy taking pot shots in Australia at Jews on a beach? And this older, he looked Arab the guy, which wouldn't have been a surprise. No, is he Jewish? What the fuck? The guy that did the tackling. I can't remember. Anyways, he was an older guy too. But there's a guy with a rifle shooting people and he gets out of his car in a parking lot comes running over. and grabs the guy.

You understand if that goes wrong, you're gone. The fucking, the adrenaline going through that dude. But at that age, you know, you're like, fuck this. I've had enough. You know what I mean? If I go, I go. What am I going to go to a prom and be labeled prom king? Yeah.

That's why he did it, he said. No. You wouldn't know today with today's teachers? He's like, yeah. More 60 years old. Jesus Christ. I'm older than. him was all smiles as he was crowned while hordes of clapping students twerked their asses and pulled

out their boobies and he was, he's like, I saved lives and this is what you gave me? Looks like a fucking margarine commercial. Remember that one with the crown? I don't know what the hell of. While hordes of clapping students swarmed him and jumped up and down in celebration, the educator was hailed for preventing a mass tragedy. after Pulse Racing surveillance footage captured him charging at 20-year-old gunman,

Victor Lee Hawkins. That's a perfect name for a bad guy, isn't it? Just moments after he pointed a pistol at the student. We have a picture of that jerk off? There he is. Mr. Hawkins, Victor Lee Hawkins. Looks a lot like Kurt Metzger, very funny comedian. Who's as crazy as this guy?

I swear to God. One of my favorites, he's a true original. Yeah, this jerk off pointed a pistol at students in the lobby on April 7th. And he was obsessed with the Columbine guys. That's a good role model to how lonely is this guy and why? The now viral clip shows the principal high-fiving cheering students while walking through the overjoyed crowd after the DJ declared him, Our King, and Blas, that Nickelback's hero. It's the only thing that ruined it, they said.

I don't know why everybody gets shit on Nickelback. I mean, that song's perfect for that. Here he is again. Let's take a look at Mr. Moore. That's great. I love it. Look at he grabs a girl, the queen.

Heads off to the red roof in. It's not. No, it's actually a lady his age. He was the best guy around. Give me a cake of fear. That was his quote. Gets all he had. Isn't that great?

Out of all the shitty stories we have to do. I'm just proud of the kids that, probably some adult told him to do it, but whatever, they were, and they should have been, genuinely happy that this guy was, and he was a freaking hero.

now he's the principal too right now i mean you can't bad about them like we used to uh let's move on ladies and gentlemen everybody knows you never go for in our west coast stupid segment tonight boy this is a never-ending bit isn't it this is the wild moment a california woman is slammed to the ground by a cop after as my wife says cop because she's from Connecticut, after she launched a racist rant and bit him. First of all, I don't know, what you're in her 50s, maybe. She shouldn't be sitting there barefoot in the park in the middle of the day. You know, she's like, it's like seeing, you know, and they say you see a raccoon during the day.

That means it's rabid. That's what it is when you see a hooker during the, I don't know. Anyway, she still had good legs. I have to admit that for an old lady. Offices from the San Diego Police Department were called at 6 p.m. on March 21st for reports of a woman behaving aggressively towards people like a raccoon. The unidentified woman made racist comments at who, according to the police, concerning adults and children at the Linda Vista Recreation Center.

No, I doubt she was saying. I'm guessing it was Hispanic kids. I'm guessing just because of where it is. Can you imagine? Oh, white lady's sitting there. You greasy specs. Get off that swing set. Horrible.

The offices found her at the skate park area. Police alleged that she became confrontational, like a raccoon would at noontime, and refused to comply with commands. Let's take a look at the videotape, and this cop is just, you know, this is why we're doomed as a species. Then you read the comments online after this.

Hit that was unnecessary. And it's guys saying it. He didn't have to throw. First of all, you fucking morons, are you that stupid? You don't, do you know, you have no idea what was going on before this.

She's gonna bite him, but you don't know what was going on before this. And when a cop tells you to do something like 15 times, which was probably the case, and you don't do it, I don't care if you're in a wheelchair. You deserve to be dumped on your head.

That's how I roll. Grow up. Now let's watch this chick who was hot back in the day. It's now just fucking doing fentanyl and racially slurring kids at the park. Hey, stay back, stay back. Listen to what she said. Listen to her. Sounds like me.

Come into your family. You fucking better believe it, you cunt. I'll fight me. I will fuck you. You cut you, motherfucker biting me. She seems nice. She seems nice. She seems nice.

Oh, why do I love such nonsense? Oh, jeez. Good Lord. You got crazy. I just don't give a fuck. Oh, God. The woman was evaluated by paramedics and then turned out

she's a leader of a Democrat Party up there. Now, then booked into jail on multiple charges, including delaying or obstructing officers, resisting, plural, I guess, with more than one cause, resisting an officer with violence in committing a felony while out on bail. What was the felony?

That's what I'm saying. You don't know what, you know what I mean? They probably pull. her name up and she had a warrant out for beating her stepchild with a hammer. You don't know the fuck. I don't even care if it was that, though. I must have watched a thousand TikTok videos this weekend of like black women being pulled over and just refusing to do anything the cops say.

I mean, right from the get-go. And I'll say it again, the biggest myth that ever permeated our society was black people are afraid of cops. It's the silliest thing I've ever heard. It's just the opposite. They want to antagonize. They want to be shot by them. They want to be beat by them so they can prove their big fake lie.

And that's the type of material that's got me heading to the punchline after 58 years. Oh, stop it. Let's move on to some more racial stuff. This headline is, me casa es no succasa. Pretty good, huh? I wrote that with myself. My house is not your house, you're dirty. The Missouri resident captures a Latino man immigration status unknown,

although when I looked it up on, what's the free press is up this website? The headline said, I thought it said illegal. That's why I went to it. Missouri resident captures a Latino man attempting to break into his cars and home. at night. The resident, white fella, you know,

the American rugged individual dad, pins a Latino kid to the side of his house while he waits for the authorities to arrive. And this video's kind of long,

but it's worth it because this white guy ain't having none of it. You get the kid talking Spanish, even though you know he knows enough English, but he's just busting balls in the white guy.

It's fun. Let's take a look. ever try to fuck me. Yes, so. Police, you're going to be here soon. I don't speak fucking Spanish, big guy. Pendejo, Benio. You know what I speak?

Breaking in the cars and stealing. She's getting called. Pendejo? No English. You're lucky you let me today and not three years ago. I wonder what that, man. Yeah, man. We speak English here, did?

Nothing problem for you. You know what he's paused. You know what he's trying to say? I'm not trying to cause a problem for you. He's saying I don't speak English good I mean that but I I don't give a fuck Doesn't matter you're breaking into houses and shit and try to break into my car now you're eating aluminum siding How's it taste been they ho go ahead Either I got all that nothing wrong for you bro why don't you do yourself? It's okay

What? Cilacio watch what you you know You know I'm watching right now it's okay It's okay what police yeah are coming yeah and then you're watching watch Have you ever heard of ice? Because you're going to be mean nice. Nothing nice. You got an I-5-5-1-11. You got an I-5-1-4-1-4?

You got an I-5-5-1-Gar-a-Berga? Yeah. Take the shit back. Where are you from? Me, my man, me, blah, blah, blah, da-da-da-da. What did the lady say? How appropriate is that I'm wearing my death-o-shirt?

That's not a nice word in there. you want to talk to that bullshit when I put you up against the mall No way at hell There ain't no way If you don't take things that aren't yours Oh shut up pause Fucking women always ruin these videos

With their dumb comments This This kid probably And it did Later on he raped Is this the story Would they let him go later Or is that another one

I'm confusing No is I think a different one I don't know It might be this one Anyways, but yeah, kids probably been raping, you know, minors being trafficked over the fucking, and you don't take things on it.

Okay, Mr. Roe. Women always fucking ruin it. I watch these brawls, you know, watch these brawls on TikTok at a bar. And, you know, the girl's like, what's it? Guys fighting three guys, and the, fucking, the girls like, what is your problem? You're an asshole.

This guy's fighting off three guys. One's got a bear bull. It just shows how they don't get it. They've never been in a, you know, a little bit of a... Yeah, a little bit of a scuffle. God damn it. You know what? That's how we use the word.

Send that to fucking the Red Sox announcer. He said scuffle 11 times yesterday. None of them correct. Anyways, I was loving how this guy was going back and... Yeah, there's more... You're lucky that was my car. We wouldn't be waiting for the police. We'd be waiting for a fucking ambulance.

You hear her? I lock my dogs on the time. I'd laugh if that kid broke free and knocked her in the face. I would have fucking saved him. We don't take things that aren't ours. What are you kidding me? This kid's been taking pussy that wasn't his. It's a matter with you, lady.

Being heckled by Ann B. Davis. That's the maid from long gone. The twist to this story is that they shared an Arizona iced tea and that was the end. No, is that a few days later? Oh yeah, listen to this.

The Latino man, that young kid, was released where he went on to assault a massage therapist by exposing himself, beating her and attempting to rape her. What's this motherless fuck's name? Okay, so here's what's got to happen in this country now.

Not yesterday. Now. We have to follow the paperwork back to the judge. And that judge has to go to jail. Yeah. Because right now, do you understand Trump would be doing even better than he's doing now, which is saying a lot if these judges were ruling his way? But they're just libs.

Ivy League school. brainiacs who have no real life. When you go to an Ivy League school, chances are, this is not always the case. You were raised in a nice, rich, white neighborhood, most likely. You don't fucking, you have no idea what cops go through or, and you

don't try to know. That's what's sick about it. You look down on people. That judge ought to be hung by his, but how about that fucking woman? She should be able to sue him. They have some type of immunity, of course, just like the press does. Absolute horseshit. That has to be fixed.

A yap, so long this thing died on me. Come on. Anyways. And something about this guy was pissed. And people are pissed because how St. Louis operates as a sanctuary city, even though they have been banned by the law to be a sanctuary city. They're ignoring Trumps. Understand?

Yet their kid still walks and goes on to do damage. Lefties, again, enemy of the state. it's really to a point where it really is isn't it at what point do you go you guys you're as big as enemy as the ones we're fighting

and you're for them at what point do you go okay now it's one on one Republican Demp and there's some jerkoffs on the right by the way who are very confused also who are undermining Trump

that I'll never understand how you can call yourself even a little bit right if you disagree with one one hundredth of what Trump believes you're an asshole. Nick, you're giving credit to too much threat. No, I'm not. Like I said, he should be on Mount Rushmore on top of the other ones, taking a dump on their heads.

Maybe not. I like those guys, too. Let's move on. He's not full of hot air. What do you mean? Man walks into a bar, two Jews and a pelican. Who is that street joke I love so much I was telling you? Oh, the old lady, they hit the lottery

for like $50 million. They're like, what are you going to do? I'm going to go home and, first thing I'm going to do, I'm going to go home and take a milk bath. I've always wanted to take a milk bath. And the guy goes, pasteurize? She goes, no, just up to my tits. Oh, my God, I love jokes like that.

A man walks out to his backyard to find, listen to this, folks, this is a doozy. 13 people in a hot air balloon basket looking back at him in Temecula, California. It looks like an episode of the Brady Bunch. I wonder if my dog would have barked at that. The resident Hunter Perrin says he was watching TV on Saturday morning when he got a knock on his front door from his neighbor.

We walked into the backyard and there's this basket full of 13 people just sitting in the band. backyard looking at us. Who the fuck are you? Are you writing a book? Who the fuck are you? According to one of the hot air balloon riders, the pilot had to make an emergency landing because there wasn't enough wind and they had only a little fuel left.

The pilot tried landing in the street but ended up in the backyard. That's quite a landing though. I mean, placed it in the corner. No one was injured and there was. no property damage. This video cracks me to, just picture yourself sitting home and watching TV. You get a call from your neighbor. Hey, look at your backyard.

Check this up. Hi, everybody. Look at that. That's the owner of the house laughing. Wow. Hi, everybody. How's you guys trip so far? I'm glad that you guys missed the trees.

Yeah, seriously. Oh, my God. What is your address? It's... Wait a minute. I didn't even see that. I thought they were leaving. Are they trying to leave?

Good morning. Good morning. Landon. Of course, the phone. Could have been Mars. Wow. All right. I thought they were leaving like Dorothy.

The Wizard of Oz and the fucking... Isn't that question? crazy? And you know what? They're lucky they land. I don't know where they landed, but it wasn't in Alabama. That thing would have been shot out of the air. You know they would have been out there with their shotguns.

Oh my God. And let me tell you something, folks. If you go up in one of those and something happens, you deserve to die. You couldn't get me in a hot air balloon to fucking put a gun to my head. I wouldn't go up in that sucker. Not enough room for error. Do you know what I mean? Not a lot of propellers that can go out or a one engine or, you know what I'm saying?

Somebody puts the flame out. This guy, lucky he was paying attention to the, how do you go up there and not have a full tank? What the fuck? You know how many people have died in those things? Every couple of years we do a story, they hit power lines because the wind takes them or, you know. They show one a few years ago the guy literally is hanging from the basket. Because it was on fire. Yes.

You guys can Google that. And I think he lets go. You watch him fall to his dead. It's either be burned alive or, you know, or have your FEMA come through your forehead. Good Lordy. Lord. I just, I don't believe.

First of all, I'm not big on heights. I can't imagine looking out a basket and you're up. I don't know how high they go, mile. Even more than that. Yeah, no, that would feel weird to me. And it's a basket. It's not even made of metal. It's Wicker.

Same thing you fucking lawn furnaces, man. Good Lord. Anyways, let's move on to the next headline. Caught stealing. A Major League Baseball umpire chased down and fought a teenager who allegedly stole his phone on a Philadelphia street earlier this month. I'll guarantee it ain't a white kid. And it ain't.

This kid looks Hispanic or light skin. black. Multiple law enforcement sources identified the umpire is Brock Ballou, who has been an MLB umpire since 2022, the station said. Here's a little tip of the story. Major League Baseball umpire Brock Ballou was at 16th and Walnut on his phone looking at directions according to multiple law enforcement sources when Philadelphia police say he had a run in with this individual.

The suspect approached the nail, snatches. his cell phone out of his hands. The victim went chasing after the mail, at which time they got involved in a physical altercation right there at the intersection of 16th of Walnut Street. That's right near the comedy club, helium. Uh, yeah. So police release surveillance video of the suspect. Police said the suspect is a teenage male with brown complexion. All right. That's actually You know, they go particular, wearing a light blue sweatshirt and black pants. Police said the suspect approached Ballou from behind in the 1600 block of Walnut Street in the downtown section of the city around 7 p.m. April 9th stole Ballou's phone while the umpire

was talking to another umpire about a foul ball that, no, uh, was looking at the directions and then ran off. You don't want to do that either, Mr. Umpire. by the way. You don't want to stand on a corner of a city like Philly or New York or anyway and go, I'm here. You know, you just put a flag on your head and say sucker punch me, take my phone. The suspect approached the mail and snatched his cell phone out of his hands, Captain Jason Smith said. I'm not saying the umps wrong. I'm just saying, beware of your surroundings. The victim went chasing after the mail, at which time they got involved in a physical altercation at 16th and Walnut.

You're a wormy cut sucker, you know that? Investigators told the station that when Ballou tried to take his phone back, the suspect punched him several times in the head. KWI said surveillance video it reviewed shows the suspect repeatedly punching the umpire. What's the idea? We don't think what's not ours. You go. Where was that?

We don't take what's not our. Shut up, you white bitch. Oh, my God. Perfect. We're going to have to get that, Sandra. We do a lot of robbery shit. They ended up on the ground, at which time the victim struck his head

causing injury. Smith added to the station. The male continued his assault, violently punching him. That's because he's white and he's brown. The suspect's brown. The victim's white, and they don't like white people. The suspect then ran away

without the phone, which was returned to blue later by someone on the street. All that for nothing. Didn't me get the phone? Now you busted? I went into a bagel shop in Philly when I was doing a gig in the morning, bought a bagel.

And I gave the guy a 20 and he gave me the wrong change back and wouldn't admit it. So I was in a heated fucking discussion with them. And this is how bad my memory is. I don't remember how it ended. I know I couldn't go in there the rest of the time I was there

I'm normally not a big morning either but I don't know why I was up there with what with bacon did you have a problem in admitting it oh admitting it yeah I don't know yeah I don't know and believe me I look at my bills every time I went up to B&D

where I've been banned well I've been banned at this one down here went up to the one Pooler. I think I told you this. I'm the only one in there. I go in in the manager, the guy who kicked me out of the one downtown. He's up there now.

So I go in, it's just him and a girl bartending. Nobody else at the bar. And he's nice to me. I has it going, you know, whatever. I order a drink. Give her 20, because it's all I got, by the way. I have a $20 bill in my wallet. She hands me back. It doesn't give me change for a 20.

Gives me change for like a 10. I start to walk and I go, hey, I gave you a 20. And she didn't really argue. She goes into the draw and goes, you're right. And he goes, I don't know how to take this. He goes, let me guess it broke our way. Meaning the fuck got broke our way. I didn't know how to take that.

If he was calling her an idiot or dig, giving me a dig. This is what goes to my crazy head. Of course, you know, my family and friends would go, take it easy, everybody your mac, shut the fuck. Nobody's getting over on me. That stupid little cunt wanted more money, and that's how I saw it. And I caught her doing it.

And he, I don't know about. And I go, apology accepted. And I just stared at him both. So awkward. There's nobody else in there. Now I can't go on that one, I'm guessing. Little bitch. They probably have a picture of me in the kitchen,

you know, like a wanted, don't let him in. Do not serve. Yeah, do not serve. Anyways, let's move on to something important. cancer and men linked to low fertility. Well, I got nothing to worry about. I got more fucking jizz of me than I blah. That's not how it works, Nick.

Okay, let's read and find out. Male cancer cases are rising at a staggering rate with 19 million men expected to be diagnosed by 2050. This is another thing about getting old. I hear these dates now. I'll be watching sports and I'll say a guy's contract up is in 2048, and I'll do the math. And I'm like, will I be there to see the final at bat?

You don't think about shit like that, right? Isn't that fucking weird? I still hear my Uncle Bob going to me. Like, I was in my 40s, I think. He goes, you think about death all the time, you know. Thanks, thank you. Diagnosed by 2050, and the number of men who die from cancer is increasing 93%. What?

Now research points to a potential link between one devastating, reproductive condition and increased chances of developing colorectal cancer or thyroid cancers. Fertility issues like lower sperm count have been associated with a higher risk of several health conditions such as diabetes, cardiovascular disease, and cancer of reproductive organs like the testicles and prostate. kind of makes sense. That's your man DNA lifeline. Analyzing data from over 1.1 million men who had children,

the researchers found that 14,540 became fathers with the help of assisted reproduction technology used to treat severe male infertility. My problem is what's missing in this study? You didn't break it down race-wise. Because I'll tell you right now, Mexicans and black guys do not have a problem. them with fertility or their wives. You throw a seed down and a fucking tree grows 10 minutes later. Dallas knows.

The men who had severe male infertility had almost twice the risk of developing colorectal cancer and three times the risk of thyroid cancer compared with men who became fathers naturally. It has previously been found that men with severely reduced fertility are at increased risk of developing testicular and prostate. Well, I'm all right on both of those because I don't have it. My testicles are almost gone

from the testosterone therapy because you nuts don't have to make testosterone as much, so they shrink. And as far as the prostate thing, I'll never get prostate cancer because masturbating, they say, is good for your prostate. So my prostate, like I said, it's like Bruce Jenner when he was a man

and he won the gold medal. It is very healthy and alive and well. Anyways, who said that? Well, the project participant, Michael Kittlinski. One theory is that if something goes wrong at the genetic level, which can manifest as reduce sperm quality, other systems in the body may also be affected, increase in the risk of disease.

Who said that? Angel Ellenkov, a researcher at Lund University, in prior studies, both infertile men and their relatives, were observed to have a higher cancer risk suggesting a potential genetic underpinning. The only problem, I guess I don't know how science works. Yeah, and there could have been a thousand other variables that they had in common.

They all had air conditioning. You know what I mean? There's a million. I guess that's why you use a control group. Shut up. Look at this guy. He's got a jizz on his shoulder. Just came from a gay bar.

With a general decline in male fertility and sperm counts in Western countries, you hear that? We really are becoming fagier. Can imagine sperm counts are going down in Western, and it looks that way. Declining by almost 60%. That's how we got into this mess with Iran and all the other countries. Libs, ballless soy boy, pussies.

Declining by almost 60% globally since 1973. Mamma Mia. Since 73, this stuff has been declining. How genes are regulated and influenced by the environment and lifestyle? as well as lifestyle factors such as obesity, smoking, alcohol consumption, and physical inactivity are linked to poorer sperm quality. And it doesn't taste the same. I got to tell you.

Here's a video to teach you guys about sperm. It's the longest trip that I have ever taken. This is the first trip you've ever taken. Y'all, sure she's not infertile? I could have sworn we would have hit the egg by now. No, she can't be infertile because we can't. he, you know, did his little thing. He was like, I'm going to put my baby in you.

I'm going to put my baby in you. Right. So it got to be a baby up in this bitch somewhere. He's just looking for a home. Uh, hello. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Wait a minute.

Bitch, that ain't no egg. Hell, no, it ain't no egg. And it's a little funky up in here. Yeah, girl. I think we need to turn around. Wait, wait, wait, where are you guys going? Sir, we don't belong here. Yeah, can you direct us to the ovaries?

No, I'm sorry. I only know about the prostate. The prostates. I think you did just say the... Don't only men got prostates? Yes. Spermeisha. What?

I know we ain't in no pomp. I think that's some stand-ups bit, actually. Some black dudes' bit. It sounds familiar, actually. It's very funny, animated. And you know why? I stand-up and animation go, good together sometimes.

How do I know that? Well, I was on a little show you guys might remember called Shorty's Watching Shorties on Comedy Central. It was an animated show of me and Patrice as little babies watching TV and commenting like we were adults. And people effing, look, why am I not saying fuck of my own show? People absolutely loved it. And guess what?

Like everything else in my career, that breaks my way. The animation guy got in a contract dispute. with Comedy Central, and they put an end to that. And I mean, people loved it. It was getting good numbers. We were told by the network. You know, I would have taken the edge off. Come on, me and Patrice as babies.

And we had a blast. We'd go into it and just let you guys know how it works. You'd go into a booth with a script. And, of course, they'd let us change the script and ad lib because we were both great at it. And would read the script into a microphone for, I don't know, know, hour or two, making changes and shit, and get paid very nicely. You know, it's the things you do stand up for to, it's like, yeah, I need a little relief, money-wise, and yeah, somehow the animation guy gets in a beef.

Why punish us? Get another animation guy. I'll draw the shit. You know what I'm saying? That's it, ladies and gentlemen, for a Monday. I thought it was a well-rounded show. I can't wait. I have trouble sleeping when Trump's in office. That's why I'm checking my phone at night. I know he's going to blow Iran right out of the water. I think he's had it, man. And have you noticed he looks good? He looks thinner and older.

And sometimes his hair looks gray, which looks much better. He actually looks like a present. Anyhow, that's it. Cameo.com. If you want me to send a personalized video to somebody, go to cameo.com. and click on my profile. It'll tell you what to do. We can roast somebody

or say happy birthday, all that good stuff. That's it. You guys, thank it. I will say, you're very welcome. We'll see you back here tomorrow at the same time. Have a good rest of the day. Bye-bye.

Hi. Good night, everybody.