The Nick DiPaolo Show - Neck & Neck My Ass | Nick Di Paolo Show #1648

Episode Date: November 4, 2024

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about the upcoming election and more! Support the show and check out Kalshi. The first 500 traders who deposit $100 get a free $20 credit at https://www.kalshi.com/DIPAOLO Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! SEE NICK LIVE: 11/9/24 – Bridge View Center Theater – Ottumwa, IA 2/20/2025 -- Bricktown Comedy Club – Tulsa, OK TIX:  https://www.nickdip.com/tour   

Music playing It's freedom baby yeah! Hey folks welcome to the show on a Monday, November 4th. Is that right? The day before the big day. The day before this, well two days before the Civil War. Depending if it kicks off the same day. I don't know. I just have a, I tweeted yesterday, I go, I'm still seeing a million headlines

and a million columns with going, it's 50-50, neck and neck. After watching all the fucking stuff the rallies and stuff and and and all the mistake and to me that's just a enough set up before on the show last week but it seems like they're foreshadowing that they're gonna steal it well they try to kill him so we know they're gonna again we know they're gonna try to steal but they know they're desperate, these fucking assholes. They know they're down and all the important, the swing states, everything. So we're going to cover a little bit about the polls. Today's all election shit. I was going to put other stories in

there, but it seemed irrelevant. I worked a squirrel and a raccoon into the show and you know what it's related to politics really. I think you guys might have heard about that one. Yeah so we'll get that out. I just I don't like the headlines that I'm reading but again you go to Pauley Market, Nate Silva, all these guys that know what they're talking about and you know they say it's Trump but these motherfuckers and they have a plan anyhow what happened over the weekend and got destroyed by South Carolina yes I watched that game and I don't know how South Carolina isn't undefeated The way they hit on defense and oh it was a typical

SCC game everybody playing at a thousand miles an hour hedge crack and their quarterback Sellers is that isn't impossible to fucking tackle for? South Carolina and a rut of their running bill man I read that somewhere that they were they are currently 10 points away from being undefeated. South Carolina? I believe that. Probably lost a bunch of close ones Jimmy. I believe that because Texas ain't him. They're pretty damn good and they got their asses whipped and any other big upsets I can't remember but I got I actually tired myself out. I usually stay up till 2 watching college football from noon and I said I can't.

It's 1230 I shut it off my eyes were bleeding. Deleted a couple games that I didn't see. I go this is this is an. This isn't funny anymore. Can't help it. Oh, I had 11 out of 16 right in the pool, with one game left tonight. So I'm still in the mix. But of course, some asshole had 14 right, which means I can't win the pot this week 14 out of 50 Some guy two weeks ago had him all right, and this is with the point spread folks

This isn't just pick the fucking it's not a pick them Can imagine if that guy was in Vegas and know what he was doing parlaying that shit? He'd be dead from cocaine and crack and whores. That's what would happen Anyways, I guess we'll get to it. My flight has been delayed a Couple hours. This is I just God bless you. William for giving me well Williams got nothing to do with this one. This one's you know I gotta go to Dallas Crowder tomorrow Streaming live, which will be huge. It's got big names

Crowder show is always one of the biggest streaming events, if not the biggest when something like this is taking place. So I'll be there yet tomorrow morning on the show and then the next morning in case there's shenanigans going on. But I got to bail out of it on you know Wednesday night because I come home and rest my ass for five minutes and get on a plane to Ottumwa connecting everything I hate William I love you man but I hope I get a decent size crowd I'm telling you I'm to fucking come in here on Monday and hang up the cleats. I fucking, I'm tired.

I'm paranoid, how you say? Anyways, let's move to the stories. We get a quick hit at the top of the show that you couldn't write this shit. If you were a comic or whatever, some of the honesty, the funny stuff is the truest stuff. And Doug Amoff showed how brilliant he is. Kamala's husband, you know, the one that she loved so much, she kissed her a mask.

That's true love, ain't it, folks? But he said something inadvertently that had the fucking internet buzzing and people laughing and shitting your pants All over the country listen to this Kamala did what Kamala always does she just put her head down and she went to work I hope that makes you too. La la la. That's right. She put her head down and went to work. It's like a little squirrel on a nut.

I'm foreshadowing folks. How funny is that? I mean, there were young ret retarded kids laughing at that joke. Put her head down and went to work. I hope Willie Brown saw that, Montell Williams and the defensive backfield for the Lions. Hey, speaking of that, I think the Lions, I'm putting them in the Super Bowl, for sure. They, uh, hmm, I, I, God, I hope they win. I would love to see Detroit get fucking finally. I mean, talk about jinxes.

Anyways, thank you, uh, MHA for that. We appreciate it very much. And I guess, uh, Kamala was on SNL and they ripped off a sketch that they had Trump do years ago when he's sitting looking in the mirror like a makeup mirror whatever I didn't bother watching I was so tired of the fucking ads but but they ripped off the sketch they didn't have the originality come up with something else just like she takes his ideas on taxing tips and shit and even the what is it the FCC got

involved or whatever they said it was because it has to be equal time I forgot I used to know the rule but anyways that might have violated whatever it's just they're just spent they're just everything says they're they're they've tapped man but again they they know how to play the game anyways. Getting ready for the storm, what does that mean? Workers boarded up the district's downtown business and fenced off the vice president's residence Sunday,

I guess DC are we talking about? Yeah. As the city prepared for potential vandalism in the wake of this week's presidential election. And again, me and Dallas were talking about this before the show. What this, see the optics always work out for the Democrats because they're gonna look at these pictures

and see this shit this weekend and go, see, because Trump didn't accept the results, we have to do this. When we all know that's not the truth, we all know when the left doesn't get its way, it fucking burns down the country. That's what this is about. Don't be confused.

A work crew was seen installing anti-climb fence outside Vice President. Why don't you bring that to fucking the Mexican border? Anti-climb fence. For Christ's sake, the wall on the Mexican border has ladders and escalators. Auntie Klein fencing outside VP Kamala Harris's federal home. Oh, at the Naval Observatory.

The Democrat presidential candidate's residence already has a wrought iron fence and a security station at the front gate, but crews added the special fence along most of the property's perimeter lining Massachusetts Avenue and Northwest. Remind me to tell you about the serial killer story. I'll tell you right now, it's quick. I was just skimming through and I get bored and I go to bed at night instead of putting the phone down like you're supposed to. I start looking at murderers and I don't know. So I start scrolling through serial killers I've never heard of.

I took Advil. I'm fucking slurring. Can you tell? It's like I had a stroke. I start, you know, scrolling through and I see David Malinsky or something and he you know 95 charges fucking saw to me Exposing himself rape. I mean just a horrendous guy in And out of prison and he did some really horrible shit that I looked down it says born in Danvers, Massachusetts I thought I was the most famous. I mean second after Bavaro this guy I thought I was the most famous. I mean second after Bavaro. This guy. What are the odds? I'm scrolling on the internet. There's a million stories about serial-c- born in Danvers.

Holy shit, then he grew up I forget. But anyways the White House which also has a wrought iron fence along its border has itself long almost completely cordoned off by an additional layer of anti-climb fence. Have an additional layer of anti-climb fence have you ever heard of anti-climb fence all you're gonna do is put Vaseline all over new fencing encircled the half of Lafayette Square that's connected to the executive mansion's Mansions northern face we all remember Lafayette Square that's where they were burning near the church. Remember when Trump was out there? And they, it was a nighttime thing, they started burning a church. Some of the fencing surrounding the White House appeared to be topped with grilled cheese. No, with barbs. You know, Bush,

Barbara, somebody help me. There also paired to be a stage under construction between the White House and Lafayette so they're expecting some shenanigans big time Tony hey conyo multiple office and retail buildings Were boarded up just west of the White House on Pennsylvania Avenue northwest and again I'm telling you they're doing it because they know the left and you know what'd be funny if they weren't lying about the polls being neck-and-neck and they were like Trump's

gonna cry well I guess they still would act up but you know I mean if they took some of the guesswork out of it but everybody's talking about it I'm so curious about what's gonna take place I'm pretty sure I know I'm I'm so cynical I'm like they might even you know go look mr. Trump we go look, Mr. Trump, we can't, we know you want, but we can't, we don't want the country to, I swear to God, that's how fucking at the level of, right, Dallas knows he was in the, at the level these people work at, and you know, whatever, but it's the right's turn to act up if he doesn't win. I'm not condoning it or promoting it but I wouldn't mind watching it. I mean you know and if you're gonna do what you did last time

show up with you know what frozen peas and a dozen roses. That was a band, Peas and Roses. Remember? Frozen Pea. You get my drift. Anyways, let's move on and stay on the election topic. Apparently one poll, Florida loves, I should say FLA loves DJT. I know that's no big surprise. I am your voice. Confirmed it. Confirmed it this week. And Florida Republicans have now exceeded their final 2020 early plus mail-in vote totals. Trend here is apparent in Florida. Percent of 2020 total early vote republicans 101.27 percent that's plus 27.34 as opposed to last

democrats 73.92 percent um again you're like but i started to read a little bit i didn't put in the story because i hate talking about this shit when this is over We're gonna be doing we're gonna be doing recipes and car fixing things fucking talking about pets. I can't take it no more I'm gonna get back to fucking I Don't know what I'm saying Yes, so so but it's not just Cubans they say there's Puerto Ricans and and and other Hispanics you name them demographics that are jumping on the bandwagon that didn't and and that kind of a turnout is again all the

shit was coming out over the weekend. That's why they're getting very desperate, like I said, bringing Obama out to tell lies that have been debunked by Axios. I don't know. I'm excited, folks. This is bigger than, for me, it's bigger than the WNBA championship. Boy, those broads can really. You like hoops? You like to watch them play a foot under the rim?

They shoot from here like a white guy in the 50s, like Bob Cousy when they wore the short shorts. They used to shoot from here. Imagine driving the paint. I know I'm all over the place folks Yeah, it's the Advil PM's making me fucking crazy Did how about this? This is the biggest news of the fucking day. I was in bed before midnight last night I was so footballed out and sick of myself laying around and fucking Yeah And I took a pill because I didn't sleep the night

before anyhow what do you guys care I'll be dead soon hey let me ask you a question sometimes you just have that feeling something's going to happen especially today maybe it's the number of tornadoes that will happen this month or what will be named a game of the year or fight of the year whatever it is have some skin in the game with cal she cal see is just like buying and trading stocks except instead of stocks you're dealing with real-life events it's legal in all 50 states it's a really fun way to cash in on those random hunches, especially the big one, the election, which, you know, I'm sure you're not going to

get good odds with Trump or whatever, but that one, good luck. But I'm going to lay a little on it since we get Cal. She is a sponsor. And college football playoffs is where I'm going to lay a little on it since we get Kal-Shee as a sponsor. And college football playoffs is where I'm going. That's when I start to make the bets and make that even more interesting. Right now, Trump and Kamala are trading about 50-50, meaning if you place a bet on either, you'll double your money if they end up winning.

Kal-Shee has already facilitated over $1 billion with a B worth of trades. So put your money where your mouth is and sign up using my link at calshi.com slash dipalo. The first 500 listeners who deposit $100 will get a free $20 credit. That's calshi., K-A-L-S-H-I dot com slash DePalo or click the link in our show notes and the first 500 traders who deposit a hundred bucks will get a free $20 credit. Kalshi, you can trade on that. Mama, w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w Yeah, flights delayed to four. I'm staying here. I could have went back, whatever.

Might as well just fucking get to the airport early and have 11 drinks and start a fight. I did get into it a little bit. I told you about a month ago. I told that story, right? The flight attendant kept saying, back back up and I had a couple behind me though they're like who are they talking and the cup you can tell a guy was rich with his wife and he's like who and and the black rose points to me I told you once like I'm a little fucking kid and I go where the fuck and that's when you lose your you can't do that then they have all the leverage apparently I don't know why I'm in America I mean that's me toning it down I wanted to say listen

you stupid twat but I didn't I was nice I said what the fuck where do you want me to go and even the guy behind me goes that that was very unnecessary on her part you know about ten minutes later this isn't new to me folks you know. And then about ten minutes later, this isn't new to me folks, you know, I've made a scene many times, my wife gets, that's why she doesn't go anywhere, she'll go with her boyfriend Terrell Suggs. So then I see not even five minutes later here comes a guy with a vest and an official looking thing around his neck and he's standing right where you deep yet he pulls me out of line but honestly God he almost had the did he almost had the attitude like I know these people can get nuts sometimes I'm like she

started yelling I said you know whatever and I said I got witnesses I'll give her credit she still let me get on the plane, but if she didn't holy shit I would have been on the cover of Newsweek choking a bitch Don't do that that's only allowed on spirit In frontier and virgin Allegiant what am I saying? There's only two agent. What am I saying? There's only two. There's only two you can't do. All right. Hey, before I move on, those of you on Mug Club, stick around the second half of the

show. The rest of you go to nickdip.com and sign up for Mug Club. And if you do that, you'll get my entire show. The great Steven Crowder's show, he did a song parody. I don't even know the band. I play the song for you. It's so friggin' good. It's gonna be the opening of Tomorrow Night's thing. I mean, they shoot a video. It's unbelievable.

And this guy can imitate anybody. The first half of the song he's doing, whoever sang the song, and the second half's Trump doing the lyrics. It's really good. Anyways, you'll get all of his show and he has great guests like and you want to be there tomorrow night live streaming the whole world's gonna be watching this it's a I'm actually

looking forward to it so yeah do that sign up at Nick dip dot com and while you're there click on the tour buttons. As you can see that is this Saturday. Weren't we just giggling about? That's a mile away. This Saturday November 9th Bridgeview Center Theatre in Ottumwa, Iowa. Please come out. I would love to never been to this venue. I heard nothing but nice things about it. It's gonna be great. Also February 20th Brick Town Comedy Club Tulsa Oklahoma in case the hurricane kicks up it's brick don't worry about it that's February 20th Brick Town Comedy Club Tulsa Oklahoma leave here a wee wee silly okay hi good night everybody. I'm gonna be a good boy Thanks for watching!