The Nick DiPaolo Show - Nick’s Bitchin’ Kitchen: Thanksgiving Edition | Nick Di Paolo Show #1659

Episode Date: November 27, 2024

In this episode, Nick Di Paolo makes classic Thanksgiving classics! Like what you hear?  Watch FULL episodes of The Nick Di Paolo Show on Rumble Premium! Use Promo Code MUGCLUB and get $10 off annually! https://rumble.com/c/StevenCrowder/live?premium_checkout=1&promo_code=mugclub&plan=annual For Tour Dates, Merch and more visit https://nickdip.com\ 2/20/2025 -- Bricktown Comedy Club – Tulsa, OK Follow me on Socials! https://bio.site/nickdipaolo  

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Ontario I'm gonna be a good boy. Oh hi! Welcome to Mick's Bitchin' Kitchen. Today it's the Thanksgiving version of Mick's Bitchin' Kitchen. We'll be doing a fancy cranberry dish, cranberry sauce, and also a fancy stuffing. And if you have relatives that voted Democrat, I'm going to show you how to give them food poisoning in under 8 minutes. Join me, won't you? All right, let's, we're going to do, it's sausage and apple stuffing. And remember, I grabbed these off the internet. I mix and match recipes so I don't get in trouble. No, I don't even know if you have to do that. You're supposed to sham, apparently.

But let's start with the stuffing and we'll do the cranberry sauce later. Bob, Bobby Flay influenced. Let's start with the, what do I do first here? We'll brown the sausage. Little bit of oil. I'm using a, this is really a wok, but it's unbelievably good for saute. Hey, the gas is still on Carmela. Whatever your name is Camilla. Where the fuck are you? It's still

here. You're gone. You at the beach with Joe rubbing his bony back. Yeah. Where's Jill? Poor. Jill's like, get out there, you can do it. But I can't, I'm shooting myself. Get out there, I said. I'm going to be on the cover of Vanity Fair this month. Heat up a little oil here. This is a pound of sausage. You can buy Italian, you know, this is Italian hot. Take the casing off it or you can buy buy they have thing it's called sausage bulk, it's already decased for you.

And it looks like that in the package, but they didn't I couldn't find that. So I want this. Boy, I was at the goddamn supermarket for an hour. I can't find anything. I find the first 40 items in 10 minutes, then the last two take me an hour and a half. Condensed milk turned out it was in the attic. The Publix behind a mannequin. What's that? It's my grandma's house.

That's right. Remember, kids, this is Thanksgiving, so the goal is nothing to do with health and everything you do with clogging your aorta. This just makes me hungry looking at it. I guess we'll do it all at once. They say don't crowd the pan and whatever, do it in batches. I ain't got time for that shit. I got another show to do. We're doing a remake of Gilligan's Island. I'm playing Mary Ann. The true story. So break this up with a fork. You guys get the gist. Oh, you're shooting this? Okay. This proves I'm old. Remember this stuff? Fresca? Still the best ever. Everybody finds shit, you know, white claw and stuff. this is what you mix with vodka. You can put cranberry in this. It's a soda water sparkling with grapefruit citrus. It's been around a long friggin time. And this is, you know what I'm talking about, zero calories and it's delicious. I got a bad can. No. Anyhow.

I got this like a medium high heat. You know, it takes about eight, ten minutes to get some color on this. Then I'm going to dump this out, leave the grease in there, throw in some butter. And when you make stuffing, you know, celery, onions, throw that right in the butter slash grease from the sausage. you guys have probably done this this is me at pandra express nick that's racist those type of things yeah i know racist those type of things yeah I know I wonder if that's enough that's enough sausage I'm mixing recipes and one of them says 16 cups of bread which is ridiculous most of them say four or five cups which is I'm going with here. So I hope.

We'll see. What am I shooting for a Grammy? Grammy? Emmy, you mean? Yeah. Yeah, I've been on the. Yeah. It's been about eight, ten minutes, right? Hopefully there'll be some grease here. Or it all went away. Doesn't matter. It's very little grease. So yeah, dump the sausage out. It is about a tablespoon, which is perfect because I'm throwing a lot of butter in here.

Three quarters of a stick. They call for a full stick. But you know what I mean? I want to see the eight o'clock game. I don't want to seize up. I want my heart seizing up. There's three games on Thanksgiving. Yeah, they're all pretty good, actually.

I took the Lions, obviously, the Elaine about 12 and a half, about 10 and a half to Chicago. I mean, how's's this gonna be bad? You know who says that? I can't believe I just sounded like the barefoot contestant that brought on the Food Network. How's this gonna be bad? Meanwhile she's about 611 pounds. She worked for Nixon by the way. Her name was Ina Gartner. She married this Jewish guy. He looks like a big girl of course. What?

No, she worked at a restaurant and then opened her own place down in the Hamptons called Barefoot Contessa. No, she worked at a place called Barefoot Contessa, I believe. Who knows? I dated her for two years. Anyways, oh Jesus, that's a lot of butter. You seen that movie?

What movie? The Barefoot Contessa? Yeah. Hunter Volga, right? Yes, yes. About a year ago, me and Andy, and it was fucking great actually. Right, actually.

I'm sure the kids are fucking... All right. What do I want to throw in next? Here we go. Two cups of onions. I already chopped them. I had my sous chef do it. Two cups of onion.

About a cup, cup and a half celery. I should have cut that smaller. I think. How much apples? I use two Granny Smith apples, you know those green ones? Because they're firm, they hold up good when you cook them. I think this is supposed to go in here now. I'm not sure. That's parsley. For your retards. Where's mine? They didn't have Italian.

You had to go with the shit that you see at the buffet in Vegas. They throw next to your food on your plate, make it look fancy and whatnot. Look at that technique. Who would have guessed a lot of this? So this will probably take 10, 12 minutes or more to cook down. You know, you throw, I already did throw some, I might throw a little more. The salt softens, you know, releases the liquids and whatnot. I'm sure there's supposed to be sage in here and ship it.

Whatever. Who am I the galloping guinea? That was the best grip saying that. Whatever they call it. Grip boy. Best boy. Yeah. Best boy. That was my nickname when I was shooting porn. There was a porn star called Titi Boy. So okay, I'm gonna do this for like, you know, probably 12-15 minutes. There's a lot in there. And while that's doing, I might as well get the big-ass bowl out. Sometimes I get really fancy I get bread like what do you call the round Italian oh god whatever but sometimes I get a loaf of bread Italian bread and cut up cubes and toast it in the oven you can make them that way,

or whatever. But it's just me and my wife. Who am I trying to... Anyways, there's a big run on this, Pepperidge Farm herb stuffing. You know, it's just breadcrumbs, it's croutons. I got two bags. You're eating more of them. There's Nick. Yeah. No, I was. I was eating the big ones. You're right. I was eating a big one, you're right. How much is it? Where's the goddamn weight? You don't have to shoot this. 12 ounces each, 24 ounces, 8 ounces in a cup. That's about 3 cups.

That sounds a little light to me. If it is, I got these big-ass croutons to make it look retarded when I serve it. Get ready for Las Vegas style action at Bet MGM, the king of online casinos! Enjoy casino games at your fingertips with the same Vegas strip excitement MGM is famous for when you play classics like MGM Grand Millions

or popular games like Blackjack, Baccarat and Roulette. With our ever-growing library of digital slot games, a large selection of online table games and signature Bet MGM service, there's no better way to bring the excitement and ambience of Las Vegas home to you than with Bet MGM Casino. Download the Bet MGM Casino app today! Bet MGM Casino app today! Bet MGM and GameSense remind you to play responsibly. BetMGM.com for Ts and Cs. 19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you,

please contact Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor, free of charge. Bet MGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Time don't hurt, right? In a stuffing? It's right time, folks. The big thing is sage and whatnot. It might be in the closet. It's probably 40 years old.

Thanksgiving's a big sage day. I don't know why. Yeah, I'll get that next year. Fell down the burner. Why couldn't we have a 14-year-old Asian kid with a mop? It's shrinking. Anything smell better than onions, salt, onions and garlic? They should make a cologne. Just go like little dabbing.

Obsessed Guinea by Calvin Klein. Twelve ounces like I said. Oh that's more bread than I thought. That looks, whatever, it looks about right actually. Two bags, 12 ounces each, pepper farm, herb, seasoned already. And again you can make your own if you want to be fancy. I did that when you know, the wife still cares. What an asshole I know. That looks about right. It looks like cereal for Shaq. Doesn't it? Oh yeah. It's been about 10 minutes. I just want to soften all the stuff, right?

I mean, it's going to cook for 35-40 minutes in the oven. I want to get all this stuff soft. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Alright, it's been about, I don't know, 10-15 minutes. All this, the apple, onion, celery is soft. The celery I should have cut a little smaller, but I like the feel. I like the texture of my food. You know what I mean? I like texture. You can find like a rat's tail or a fish hook. Stuff like that. I'm gonna put this back in here. I might want a little light too with the sausage.

back in here. I might want a little light been with French Wars. More parsley. All right, chicken stock. Calls for a cup. I think I'm gonna need much more than that, but add it right in here. Oh oh the sizzle of my ass sounds like a cooking shot on it you gotta see FBI torturing somebody in a basement that burn Iranian oh all What is that, burnt Iranian? Oh, alright, check it out. Here's the big reveal.

And I'm telling you, I'm going to need more chicken stock, but let's... Jesus. I was worrying I didn't have enough bread. It's good to be neat, isn't it? Like I said, I combine recipes. One set, 16 cups of bread. If you're going by ounces and you do your math, 24, 8 ounces in a cup, that's three. 16. Who is she serving? The fucking Philadelphia Eagles? Thank you. All right, I'm going to

need more stock, just like I said. The croutons are seasoned and stuff already, pre-seasoned. Pre-seasoned. Let's talk football, everybody. I like my stock hot when I add it. I don't know if it really matters but I can always back off, you know. Hey look, it's a gas oven Joe! That's right, I did it again. I want to stick the hands in there, but what's up, honey? The wife's here. What do you want? You want a soda? What kind? Root beer, huh?

Okay. Oh, I don't like this one. Now get out of here. Go on. Get upstairs. Get upstairs. This needs more. It depends. I got enough stuff in here. It's me and my wife. I know she's got a fat friend somewhere. Maybe we can fly her in from Buffalo. The girl named Michelle. She looks like a tight end for the Giants. Probably. You know, fix her. So this is about another cup and a half maybe of stock. You don't want it soggy, but you want it moist.

But not soggy. How do you know that? Well, I've been watching the Food Network my whole life. Your whole life? Well, you know what I mean. Nick, they didn't have TV in the 40s. Yeah, but the thing is, look at that. That's perfect.

I do have great spatial abilities. Look at that. See? It's moist, but not soggy. And I'm gonna dump this in a greased, you know, casserole dish or whatever. But I might forget anything. I'm looking at the ingredients. See if anything's left.

It's like when you put a table together from a key and you're like, what's this? Why do I have to do this? Yeah, and then you watch your friends come over and put a coffee cup down in the cages. Now I'm doing hack material. Oh yeah, this has got stuffing written all over it. Follow me over to the counter.

You can use pan, spray, whatever. I can hit it with a little vegetable oil. My hands are impeccably clean. I wipe my ass on Tuesday. That has to go on the show. That's the show. Imagine watching a Food Network Bobby Flay comes out. He's got toilet paper hanging off his shoe.

Now what you want to do is... Emral, bam! All right, it's greased up. Jesus, that's... I don't know about this. I look like twice as much than I need. Let's see folks. This could get ugly.

They always hold more than they look like them. Oh, I think we're gonna be alright. Let me smooth this out. If it's too much, I'll give it to the homeless guy up the street. No, I mean, no, I will. I'll try and throw it in his face. Get a job, you motherfucker. Look at the looky here, folks. I can actually toss a couple cranberries in here. You like that idea? You do?

You're supposed to use dried cranberries though. These are fresh. Watch this ruin it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Good enough. I'm going to use my hands, folks, from here on in. Who? I can't, was I a B&D? Some lady goes, you're a good cook. And then I helped her in her wheelchair. She had a helmet on. She had no idea who she was talking to. I told her as Paul for dome.

Holy moly. What do you think of this Dallas? You might have to. Jesus Christ. You know what? Yes, you don't want to do that. Oh! Don't let me forget. Here's my idea. Here's what I do.

By the way, the oven's been on 350 for about two days. Because I have no memory. I've got to use it all. Watch what I'm going to do though, which is my idea. You can either use molasses, which I do sometimes, or because there's apple in here, maple syrup. I mean just a touch. I don't like my savory dishes to taste like my desserts. Right? Some people do.

How about this, man? Could that have fit perfectly? All right. Maple syrup. Again, just a, I think I should have mixed it in here, but I like just a little. When I say this is a lot of food, so don't go, that's not a little. There's a ton of stuffing here. I should have done that earlier, I think. But it's seeping down, right? Tell me it is, Dallas. Again, there's a ton of spread here, and it's soaking. That looks like a lot.

Trust me, folks. You'll have a hint. All right, that's it. That is the stuffing. I'm using this, you know, for Thanksgiving. I'm using this show as an excuse to get this shit done. And I can watch two Division 16 football teams fight towards 0 zero zero tie. Also you could have used honey, whatever. All right, every recipe, let me, a lot of them say cover it for the first half hour, right, and then brown it for the, what do you do Dallas? You cover it with temp for? I like to brown first and then I'll cover it because it doesn't over char it. Yeah, I mean you can do it two ways but.

No, mine never gets charred on the top. No, mine never gets charred on the top. Yeah. Well, you have a much better oven than I do. Yeah. What can I tell you? Wolf, German. No offense, just saying. I mean, you're going to buy an oven, you're going to buy it from a German, though. What the hell is that? Oh, it's one of 12 dehumidifiers my wife has going.

I woke up today weighed 11 pounds. It's like those meat dehydrators. If you guys want to see the rest of my show, Lotto with Crota, and all the content on Rumble Premium, click on the link in the description uh... if you haven't converted locals yet there is a second link showing you how to do that you can subscribe for nine ninety nine a month or eighty nine dollars annually if you use my promo code mug club that's one

word mug club okay and real quick i got one date uh... pushing february twentieth uh... brictown comedy club telsa oklahoma okay quick I got one date pushing February 20th Brick Town Comedy Club, Tulsa, Oklahoma. Okay and... Hi, good night everybody. Are you having fun? Are you? Are you having fun? I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man

I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man Thanks for watching!