The Nick DiPaolo Show - NY Times: Joe A Liar! | Nick Di Paolo Show #1441

Episode Date: August 9, 2023

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about the NY Times late to the show, Touchy Joe, and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 Mr. DePaulo, no one could be as nasty as you pretend to be unless they really wanted to be disliked. Your sister's ass. Hi, kids, how are you? That was Dallas, it's true. as you pretend to be, unless they really wanted to be disliked. This is Dizaius. Hi, kids. How are you? That was Dallas. It's true. Welcome to the show on a Wednesday. How are you? Haven't seen you since Thursday.

By the way, I haven't made a doo-doo since Sunday. Yeah, I know. Didn't you have a good steak? Yeah, but that blocks me. That protein blocks me, you know, but I also ate, you know, I ate the vegetables that came with it, you know. A giant carrot went to a Bob's Steak and Chop House in Dallas or whatever. They give you a giant carrot. You ever get that next to your steak? You have had that? It must be a southern thing. It looked like a Bugs Bunny carrot, but it's

candied like, whatever they did. It's delicious. It's a great, you know, that wasn't enough. I guess the three glasses of wine and the Glen Levitt and two beers might have dehydrated me. I don't

know. First of all, you guys don't need to hear poop stories, but when people travel a lot, that's common. You get dehydrated, you get caught. And I don't drink enough water as it is. And the fucking Ozempic has been known

to block people. And right now I have William Refrigerator Perry in my ass. Right at the... I know he was a defensive line. All right. Oh, suck my dick with a clock. God damn it.

Fucking A. Anyways, leave that in. Seriously, people love that type of shit. Good weekend out there in Dallas. Finally got to meet Alex Jones, who is just... You get... You get what you see on

stage. I mean, energy, like nobody's business. And he spoke off the top of his head when we did the big press conference. It was a replatforming of Mug Club, you know, in other words, where it's on Rumble now. He brought on Brian Callen, who I've only met a few times and liked, you know, because he's a guy's guy. But he was really funny sitting around the table. He's a in the moment, funny dude, you know, really enjoyed Callen long as I got to hang out with him. And Alex Jones, like I said, was a handful like you think he is. He's a great guy, though. Nice guy.

And it was a big deal. I mean, they have an undercover investigative thing, you know, like Project Veritas. He's got guys doing that now on Mug Club. And the Hodge twins are joining us. And like I said, Alex Jones, of course, the white whale. And, you know, and Callan's podcast is moving over. It's a whole bunch of shit.

He's putting together. We did Alex Jones' show after, and we all did a minute or two on it. Oh, me and Steven went on for like five minutes. And I made the reference that the team Steven's putting together is like the 1970s Raiders, a bunch of misfits, of misfits who don't play well with others

and just win. Alex liked that. Then he said, get up. Alex kept going, tell me, give me some jokes. Which isn't how it works. And of course I'm like, it's Alex Jones show. I've got to come up with the fucking edgiest shit.

Not come up with them. Trying to remember my you guys see me here when I can't, I can never remember my stand up. Crowder can, Crowder can literally do my albums, all of them verbatim. It's insane how good a memory he has. So I

come up with a couple of bits and I'm sure rankled some people out there. One about throwing a shoe at Obama's head. You know that joke idea, whatever. They threw it at Bush. He said, I'd never throw a shoe at Obama's head unless it needed shining. You know, shit like that. Those are the only couple I could think of. And folks, you know

I'm not racist. I hate everybody, especially the Asians. No, it's a fucking joke. They're very cute. Your hate is full of equity. It is. That's, oh, wait the Asians. No, it's a fucking joke. They're very cute. Your hate is full of equity. It is. That's, oh, wait a minute. You might have something there. New segment. HEI, hate equity inclusion. Good going, Dallas. Jot that down. That might be a thing for us. Yeah. Went to a nice steakhouse and what else? Oh, last night we land where I'd say 12 feet.

I'm not shitting you. 12 feet from the, what do you call it? When the thing comes out and hooks up? The runway thing? Yeah, we're 12 feet from that. And we stop and the guy comes out. Well, because of the lightning, they can't have people out on the tarmac. You know, these guys that absolutely do nothing. So we're sitting fucking 10 feet. I can spit on the gate. It's fine. And we sat there for 45, 50 minutes. Oh my God. I was pulling my pubes out. So listen to this. I look out the

window of the plane. I was in a 1B and and the lady next to me, young lady with kids, and she didn't have kids with her, but I'm just saying, she lived in Savannah, we had a nice chat. I look out the window, I see a bag that you, you know, travel with, a bag on wheels with a handle, blowing across the tarmac, standing straight up. Dallas, if it wasn't doing 40 miles an hour, I'm gay. I am not shitting you.

It was the funniest. It looked like somebody had a remote control. And so we're watching it. It must have went 200 yards in 10 seconds. And then you see those guys on those trucks out there chasing it. And they're zigging. And the woman said next to me, you know, if you film that, that would have went viral. And it was the funniest image.

It was the creepiest fucking. film that, that would have went viral. It was the funniest image. It was the creepiest fucking... But then I understand, because the lightning, the plane was rocking from the wind. Once again, I have it. I don't have the bag blown by, but I filmed out the window how

the wind and the rain, I should have sent to you. But then again, you people, I think you've seen that. You're not from, like, fucking Venezuela, were you? What is that? I don't know. Fucking I'm all fired up. All right. And the Sox got bombed last night by Kansas City, so fuck them.

Alex Cora, I keep defending you, but I'm sick of you sitting guys. Oh, they need a rest. Really? And I probably said this on the show, so bear with me. Really? Cal Ripken played what? 2,100 games without missing one?

But these guys need a day off every couple weeks? Suck my ass! It's the softest sport in professional sports. I don't give a fuck. I would be pissed if I was a season's ticket holder with socks. You go up, you go every night and Devers won't be there one night.

You don't see the full why wouldn't you put the best nine you're not playing fucking NFL football or hockey give me a break story comes back oh they're gonna play him every other day well his elbow's either good or it isn't am I right if you say he's not strong enough to play every day he shouldn't be playing he's gonna risk hurting it so he's either strong what to play every day, he shouldn't be playing. He's going to risk hurting it. So he's either strong. What the? And again, that comes down to money and lawyers and agents

and all that other horseshit. I've had enough. I know you guys wish I was gay and didn't follow sports, but fuck you. I'll suck a dick and watch roller derby. Don't tell. You hear that from the peanut gallery? He never.

Anyways, let's get to it. Pathological lying scumbag. Gee, who could I be talking about? Two-year-old New York Times stories are receiving renewed attention because they appear to question the independence of the Justice Department under President Joe Biden.

What are we doing? What's going on right now? Well, you're lying. Really? Two-year-old doing? What's going on right now? Well, you're lying. Really? Two-year-old stories? That's what... President Joe... Of course, the New York Times.

Yeah, we filed one from two years ago. President Joe Biden famously claimed in June that Americans should trust independence of the DOJ because he himself is honest. Here he is. Crapping his diaper. You're lying. And you're a piece of shit. I fucking hate this guy. Hope he passes out. Because you notice, he says, I have never once, not one single time, suggested to the Justice Department what they should do or not do relative to bringing a charge or not bringing charge.

He's talking about against Trump. I'm honest, he says. Do you know how many people threw up blood when they heard that? But according to the New York Times, Biden vented behind closed doors frustrations that the DOJ was not aggressive enough in pursuing former President Donald Trump. This is what the Times do. They release things like this two years later so they can go, look, we play both sides. You're not fooling anybody, old grade labia.

That's the new name of the paper. In March 2023, the Times reported, in the past, Mr. Biden privately told his close circle of advisors that Mr. Trump posed a threat to democracy and should be prosecuted for his role in the events of January 6th, according to two people familiar with his comments. He also told Confidence, somebody had to tell him what that meant, that he wanted Attorney General Merrick B. Garland, you know who. Please give me a call. To stop acting like a ponderous judge and to take divisive action. The allegations first surfaced in a so-called paper of record.

That's what they called it. Last April in a story about the DOJ's aggressive prosecution of individuals involved in January 6th. This is from the New York Times back then. Oh, no, fast forward now. This is in the Times, this thing. Fast forward about 16 months, and Trump is now facing criminal prosecution for alleged conspiracies and obstruction related to the 2020 presidential election

and special counsel Jack Smith's eyes. Eyes. Eyes, January 6th attorney. What the fuck? Eyes? What does that mean? Anyways, January 6th attorney general, and I'll say general, attorney general. Please give me a call. I jumped on that one again. Garland, who appointed you know was appointed by Dinkweed the times of course absolved Biden of directly influencing Garland according to Wall Street Journal columnist Kim Strassel seen here and that's the best picture you'll ever see

of her because man she you know Eddie Monster anyways she's really smart I shouldn't say that that's shallow and sexist but I don't give a fucking rat's ass. I am who I am. This is how it works in Washington, she said. She's really good, actually.

Biden was never going to produce a memo and send it to the Department of Justice outlining his wishes. Nobody does that. They all want plausible deniability when it comes to sending orders to DOJ, she explained. That has to be orders to DOJ. She explained that has to be explained to people now. But instead, he tells a close circle of confidants and then those

confidants tell others. And that message gets to Merrick Garland. And and that's how it gets out. Of course, you're not going to leave a paper trail. It's not even him again. It's not him. But I hate him anyway. All right. Take it easy, kids. Again, it's not him, but I fucking hate him anyways. All right, take it easy, kids. Hey, in the second half of the show, I'm going to be talking about another strain of COVID. Apparently that's hit New York City. See how I told you they'd keep this in the background forever?

Just so you won't be surprised when they tell you to wear a mask again and there's another blah, blah, blah. And I'll be talking about another college removing a part of history because they're ashamed of our history. And again, that's what ISIS does when they take over a culture. They burn down statues. So we'll touch on that.

It's exclusively on Mug Club. So join now to get that at nickdip.com. And I'm excited about the whole, the whole mug club thing, man. Hey, boys and girls, head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, t-shirts, hoodies, and more. It's yet another way for you to support the show and look sexy at the same time. You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nicker shirts. Just go to nickdip.com and click on store.

Again, that's nickdip.com and click on store. Thank you guys so much. See you soon. That's like he's putting together the Oakland Raiders of the 70s. I'd like to be Jack Tatum or George Atkinson. Who are those guys? Well, Tatum you know about. He was the most vicious, strong safety in the history of the NFL,

paralyzed a few players and never apologized in Oakland fashion. And George Atkinson was a guy, he ran up on the first play of the 1975 AFL Championship, AFC Conference, I should say, Patriots and Raiders. The first play of the game, he punched Russ Francis through his mask, Patriots tight, and broke his nose. For no reason.

I was heartbroken that the Pats lost that game and they got robbed at the end. It was so classic Raiders. I go, can't beat them, fucking join them. My dad always liked them because he goes, they're hated. They're bad boys. And I go, okay, but why do you treat me like I have to be a Cub Scout, you fuck? Exact quote. Anyways, headline, Joe bugging out. Oh, goodness. Great. Did you see this clip? out. Oh, goodness. Great. Did you see this clip? President Biden was bugging out during a rare interview that aired early Wednesday. Is that today? Came out today. The handsy 80-year-old

commander in chief reached out and brushed an insect off the meteorologist Stephanie Abrams' chest in an awkward moment during his chat with the Weather Channel. So I don't know. Yeah, me too. So I'm not going to hold that against him. But when I heard this, I go, okay, Hold that against him. But when I heard this, I go, okay, let's, you know, let's see. And first, I was talking to the Weather Channel. I actually gave Gutfeld a good one in his monologue saying, yeah, he talks at the Weather Channel. He goes, I heard those guys at Burisma are going to make it rain over here.

Good one. Nobody could think of it but me. I didn't see it out there. Anyways, maybe he used it already. I don't know. Biden, who has long been accused of finger-popping 12-year-olds. I made that up. He was overly... He's long been accused of being overly touchy.

Was dodging a question on the Weather Channel, what? About a low coming out of the south at 55? Well, what the fuck? He was dodging a question about why he has not declared, oh my God. So even the Weather Channel's in on this shit? The Weather Channel has been dying to get political for years and trying to put itself in this realm of non-meteorology. Yeah, but what's been stomping him i don't you know fucking joe bastardo that was his name o'reilly used to have this guy

on weather channel i don't know did he work at the weather channel or not i don't know he was a he was a renowned weather guy and he would blow a hole in the ferry every time he was on a ride. He got so much crap. He would bring out graphs and charts that go back to, you know, 12 AD, proving it was hotter then for Christ's sake. And you couldn't argue it. So suck it. And then these people come along, really? Do they do their homework before they work for the weather channel?

Do they give a fuck? Is everybody just, ooh, I just want in? So they're busting his balls why he did not declare a climb in a national emergency when he, and it's not because he doesn't believe it. He's been pushing it like everybody else. I guess you have to sign a paper making it a national emergency.

When he spotted an errant insect. First of all, why is it an errant? It can land on a tit? Sounds like an insect knowing exactly what it's doing. It looked just like Joe himself, big head. Anyways, it was an insect crawling on Abrams' suit jacket. And he goes, and I've used this plenty of times. But I do it in a men's locker room.

It's very creepy. Oh, you've got a bug on you, he muttered, quickly reaching out and flicking the critter off Abrams' upper chest. Let's take a, let's go to the video tape. We passed a $368 billion climate control facility. We're moving.

They passed a control facility, not the fucking bill or a law. They passed it. What do you mean? You passed it in a truck? Fucking beep the horn. Hey, we built that. You dumb cocksucker. Go ahead. Can't even. This is the existential threat to humanity. So you've already declared that national emergency.

Well, in practice, you have a bug on you. Oh, thanks. Appreciate it. See that? National emergency. Practically speaking, yeah. You got a bug on. First of all, okay, that's her shoulder. It's not her fucking upper chest. And you know if I'm defending Biden.

Give me a break. I want the guy to, somebody to bury him in that desert behind him. It's her fucking shoulder, all right? They're acting like he flicked it off her bean. You got a caterpillar on your clit. Ping! I mean, that's what I would have got excited about.

Thanks, appreciated, dink, she said. Thanks, appreciated. You see how quick she jumped right back to the thing? So, you know, they probably said, look, Mary, be careful. This guy's handsy. Anyways, thanks, I appreciate it, whore. they probably said, look, Mary, be careful. This guy's handsy. Anyways, thanks. I appreciate it, whore.

And she said, before rapidly stirring the conversation, back to climate, back to the big lie. That's not even close. Would she have a tit on her collarbone? What are you guys talking about? Just before the, imagine though if he left it and bitter and she died, what a story. Just before the unexpected entomological interruption, I'm in a hurry, Abrams grilled Biden on whether he was prepared to declare a national emergency on climate change, a move that would unlock temporary executive powers to ramp up renewable energy.

Anyways, for now on, I'm going to, instead of reading what they think it is, I'm going to say a shakedown, a fucking shakedown by the globalists of actually America. You'll pay for it first. And, you know, energy production, free up federal funds for disaster relief. Yeah, we can't do that now. And curb oil drilling and U.S. investment in fossil fuel. Yeah, we already know if you did all that, the world would stop as we know it. So keep pushing that wet dream and you dumb libcock suckers who vote Democrat can keep keep biting on it and believe in it, even though it's going to come out of your pocket. And China's building 12 coal plants a second over there. And we all share the same sky the last time I

checked. You fuck stains. Now here's Bill with the wither. It's hot. Thank you, Bill. Fucking, you've fallen into this role beautifully. This is turning into the morning zoo show. That's my sidekick, Bubba. He'll be running down Main

Street naked with lottery tickets taped to his ass. You guys can try to grab one. That's my sidekick, Bubba. He'll be running down Main Street naked with lottery tickets taped to his ass. You guys can try to grab one. That was actually a stunt when I did radio in Nebraska somewhere. Gotta love those guys. I'm still full. Yeah, I'm worried, man.

Did a doo-doo Sunday. What are we, Wednesday? Personally, I don't mind it because I don't like the way God designed our piping system. It's a fucking pain in the ass. And I don't mean that as a pun. I just don't. There's better ways of doing it. You should have had a bag on our

back. You press a button, fucking filter. And it just, I don't know, somebody plucks it off for you. No wiping, no nothing. I'm thinking about a bidet for you. No wiping, no nothing. I'm thinking about a bidet. And then I went, you know, fuck that. Better have the power of a fire hose or I'm not buying one. I want to break my head on the ceiling of the bathroom after I wash my ass.

Anyways, by the way, I shit sherbet, so you shouldn't be getting grossed out. What? Cut it out. Hey, for those of you on Mug Club right now, stick around for the second half of the show. Everyone else go to nickdip.com and join to get my full show and Steven Crowder's full show. Probably Callan now and the whole thing, right?

Alex, a whole lot more. Alex, come on. This is a do it now. Alex, what's his name? Jones came up with a great he goes, don't boycott, boycott. In other words, he goes, that fucking money you're not using with Bud Light, that 40 zillion put it in the fucking crowd

and people like that. I thought that was good. Did he come up with that? Probably. Guy's like a I was ready when I watched him give that... I was ready to fucking, you know, kick off. Put me in, man. Be the first play down the field and get knocked out.

Run into that wedge. I used to enjoy that in high school. That's how I made the team as a sophomore. Spent the rest of the year in a wheelchair, but they went, hey, as soon as he gets failing in his feet. guitar solo Outro Music