The Nick DiPaolo Show - Paul Pelosi's Big Lie | Nick Di Paolo Show #1298

Episode Date: October 31, 2022

Paul Pelosi Hammered Again. The Real Story. Midterm Media BS. SNL Creates Something Funny. A Nazi Walks Into A Bar...

Make sure to join me on Patreon to get the exclusive Encore episode. Today, I'll be talking about a horrible, horrible story from South Korea. Yep. Halloween. A real tragedy. One of those human stampede type things. But I'll make it funny somehow because I'm an asshole.作詞・作曲・編曲 初音ミク I'm going to go get some food. Let him look. Hey.

Okay, that was creepy. All right, that was creepy. What? What? Watch the, I watched the, supposedly the final Halloween movie. It's called The End or whatever. And which makes me laugh because didn't we prove that Michael Myers was supernatural?

I mean, they shot him, threw him off a balcony. They fucking, you know, put him in a Fiat, went over a cliff, a dirt bike accident. And he always came back. So just because you killed him really gruesomely, spoiler alert, at a fucking junkyard, it doesn't matter how gross or how slowly you killed him. You know what I mean? There's always room for a sequel when the fucking main character is supernatural. That's what my dad told me. You know what I'm saying?

All right. I don't know what that meant. It wasn't funny. Fuck off. Anyways, happy Halloween to you out there. Spent the whole weekend. You know what that meant. It wasn't funny. Fuck off. Anyways, happy Halloween to you out there. And spent the whole weekend, you know what? My wife made me carve a pumpkin and put up decorations. And the hardest part was trying to hide the razor blade in the fun size snickers.

You know, because they're not that big. And the kids, and they get, eh. Well, as, again, Harlan Williams, comedian, has my favorite Halloween joke. You guys have probably heard it 90 times on here, trick or treat joke. I'll do it like Rodney. I grew up in a very nice neighborhood when I was a young kid, very rich neighborhood. On Halloween, somebody put a razor in an apple. It was electric. That was Harlow Williams' job. Anyhow, I'm just trying to think, Halloween, whatever.

I like scaring the black kids. I don't, actually. The parents, which makes me laugh, they creep out. They get creeped out, the black parents, more than the fucking black kids. I told you, and it's a true story, I had this on, sitting on my front porch, and a little black kid goes, that's Pennywise. And I didn't even know. I go, who's Pennywise?

The father goes, black guy goes, you ain't get Netflix, nigga? penny wise the father goes black guy goes you ain't get netflix nigga oh my god i felt it was my favorite day this is my favorite moment since i got down here but one lady the mother got so scared she ran ran down our sidewalk and dropped her phone and it broke and shit that was when i started to chase and and Andy said, put down the fucking vodka. And we had a ball. And the only other Halloween I remember when I was in seventh, eighth grade, you guys remember if you listen to the show, the Meldons that lived across, there was two houses and they were an incestuous family.

And there was a trailer that one of the fathers built in the middle. And he used to bang his daughter because she'd tell us about it. He was mad. He used to ride her bike around. He's the guy that put a pony in the back of a station wagon. I've told all these stories. And we, like assholes, were throwing rocks at the trailer. We didn't think anybody was home. Me and a kid named Mike Pru, I still remember.

He had a gun. He was a lefty. And, you know, we're hitting the fucking thing. All of a sudden, the little door opens, and Darlene, the daughter, comes up. She goes, you're knocking stuff off the shelves. Oh, God. That made me, I never bothered them again. That made me so sad. Of course, the part about her, you know, her father having sex, that didn't bother me.

What are you going to do to your guy? Your't bother me. What are you going to do to your guy? Your guy's ugly. What are you going to do? Anyways, those are my Halloween horror stories. And I just have to mention my Boston Bruins are off to the best start since 1937-38. Hey, Bruins, that's saying something. They're 8-1. Anyways, second in scoring.

It's creepy. Everybody scores on the team. Let's get right to it. I don't know why I bring that up. Well, second in scoring. It's creepy. Everybody scores on the team. Let's get right to it. I don't know why I bring that up. Well, what happened real quick, Dallas was at Forsyth Park with his girlfriend. Everybody was dressed up. I don't even recognize Dallas when he comes in in the morning

because on the weekend he's like a different, he's a pirate, he's a fucking, what are you doing up in, oh, that was Octoberfest. Octoberfest, yeah, in German. German. Anyways, I can't wait for Valentine's Day. What the fuck is going on? Let's get right to it, shall we? Paul Pelosi hammered again.

I think that was a meme. No, I saw it. I'm like, fuck it. I'm not going to fucking, it was too easy, but I'm like, I could have come up with better shit than that. Trust me, I saw it. I'm like, fuck it. I'm not going to fuck it. It was too easy, but I'm like, I could have come up with better shit than that. Trust me. I just didn't want to. I was watching 11 football games at once. Paul Pelosi, the husband, wink, wink, of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who was attacked with a hammer. Now, I took the story right after it happened, okay? Then I'm going to update you on it. And Elon tweet, Elon tweet. I just call him Elon tweet.

Elon Musk tweeted something that was, it came from a reliable source, somebody who writes for the Santa Monica, whatever, Observer, whatever. And of course, right away, the left jumped on his throat. So, you know, he took it down. But I'll tell you in my opinion i'm gonna read it to you it was dead on okay anyway he was attacked with a hammer as you know during an invasion of their california home saved his why does it say saved his life what happened did i who saved his life it doesn't even well... I think it's alluding to the fact that

saved his own life after secretly telephoning for help. Okay, that's what it should say. Saved his own life after secretly telephoning for help from where else? The bathroom where he was being... Hello? Hello? Spank my ass.

Anybody there? Oh! According to Politico, that's a Spanish politics, Paul Pelosi told the alleged intruder, identified by authorities as David DePape, that he needed to use the restroom. Paul Pelosi's

mobile phone was in the restroom, charging like most old people, in the bathroom at the time. So the 82-year-old then made a syrup... Slow down, Nick. It's the caffeine! Because I've said these words a hundred times.

Syruptitious. Call to 911 and remain connected. The emergency service dispatcher... By the way, this is all lies, in my opinion. Just so you know how I feel. And no, I'm not a right-wing conspiracist and all that shit. We know a lot about this fella. Look at him.

The emergency service dispatcher Heather Grimes heard an exchange between Paul Pelosi and his attacker as he spoke in code to alert the authorities there was a problem. What's going on? Why are you here? What are you going to do to me? How do you know he wasn't at the Nancy? She came home early from DC. What are you going to do to me? It's a sick question. You're a sick fuck and I'm not that sick that I'm going to answer it. Hand me you like a nail. Pelosi reportedly said while on the call, a suspicious Grimes then

notified police for a wellness check. It is really thanks to Mr. Pelosi having the ability to make the call and truly the attention and the instincts of that dispatcher. She was doing her fucking job to realize that something was wrong in that situation and to make the police call it a priority. So they got there within two minutes to respond to the situation. Brooke Jenkins, San Francisco's district attorney, told CNN. Oh, he's still talking to CNN, are you? You are fake news. Exactly, you dinks.

The San Francisco police chief, William Scott, maybe the only straight man in the city. I don't even know that. Said that he's been benching. He's shown his chest expansion. Said that officers arrived to Pelosi's home and saw Pelosi and DePape, this doesn't even make any sense, holding a hammer.

So, and this is how they told it on TV. I go, they each had a hammer or they were holding one hammer? You wouldn't say they're holding a hammer. You'd say they're fighting over it if it was one. Do you understand? Again, shoddy fucking writing or reporting.

The suspect pulled the hammer away from Mr. Pelosi and violently assaulted him with it, which is just what he paid for. What? Yeah, I said it. Politico quoted Scott as saying, our officers immediately tackled the suspect. So let me get this straight, Mr. Scott.

They were there watching them fight over the hammer, and then after he bashed them, this doesn't make any sense either. So the cops were standing there watching them fight over the hammer, and then the guy got in the way and hit him, and that's when you guys jumped in? You didn't jump in before that?

Or when you came in, he was already hitting him, which is what you didn't say. So this smells like a giant pussy to me. You understand? And it's why I believe the story that Elon Musk posted from a reporter who has a source. Anyways, we tackled the suspect, disarmed him, took him into custody, requested emergency backup, and rendered medical aid. You didn't fucking give him a little beatdown? What's the idea? Get upstairs. That's my father. That's my father when I was in like seventh grade. Drunk, watching the Tonight Show.

I almost burned the house down. Paul Pelosi suffered a skull fracture. Everybody responded, too bad it wasn't his cunt of a wife. What? Here's Tony Bennett in Happier Days. That's who he thinks he is. He's a big girl, by the way. Everybody knows it in San Francisco.

That's who he thinks he is. He's a big girl by the way. Everybody knows it in San Francisco. Paula Pelosi suffered a skull fracture well as Fractures well as injury you mean as well Jesus H Christ who's writing this as well as injuries to his hands right arm during the attack He took a real beating and I think he's gonna like it Oh! Oh! Ah! Ooh! Yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah!

That's what they heard over the phone. He had to go on surgery, expected a full recovery. I don't give a fuck if he does or not. I'm going to be honest with you. I'm not going to sit here. I'm not on Fox News or ABC or have to go. I'm glad he's... I don't give a fuck because this is not the story. He's filthy rich, he's fucking lying. I don't give a fuck

if there was a claw stuck in his forehead when they got there. The man who was alleged to have attacked Paul Pelosi, the husband of House, why do they have to say that again? We know, you fuck. Husband of, yeah, we know. By the way, what kind of straight guy would marry Nancy Pelosi? No straight guy would marry a woman like Nancy Pelosi. Even 40 years ago when she had those giant great tits. No straight guy would marry

such a twat. I'm fucking as serious as a heart attack right now. Anyways, with a hammer and the cup. Why is it saying this shit again? Had him with, had with him. Oh, he also had a bag of zip ties, among other things. Again, gay date.

I'm fucking, I'm as serious as a heart attack. You'll see why, according to two sources who have been briefed on the incident. In addition to the zip ties, the suspect had a bottle of wine and some chicken cordon bleu. He had duct tape on him also. I don't believe any of it. How about that? David DePage, 42, faces charges of attempted homicide assault

with a deadly weapon, elder abuse, burglary, and other felonies in relation to the Friday. Really? He's going to face all those charges? It's funny. Oh, that's right. It was a Pelosi who was attacked.

Because people on the streets of every major city who are just hardworking taxpayers being attacked just like that. And guess what? The scumbag's out in a week or whatever the fuck. But when it's somebody who thinks they shit ice cream, oh, we're going to throw the book at them. I hope the guy's out in fucking two days. Comes back and finishes the job. All right, I'm going a little far.

Come back when the wife is home, is what I'm saying. Stick a thing of Haagen-Dazs right up her giant ass. Calm down, fella. Friday morning text said, San Francisco, Willie Scott. Fuck off, Willie. You're getting paid off, too. Okay, now here we go. Here's a version of the story I believe.

And again, God forbid truth hit Twitter. Right? What time did we start? I wrote 1.45 is the ending. That's what it is now. Oh, we started at like... We're 15 minutes in. No, we started at 1.30. Yeah, that's right. That's what it is now. Oh, we started it like... And we're 15 minutes in. No, we started at 1.30. Yeah, that's right.

That's right. It's wishful hoping. You can leave all that in. I don't give a fuck. Whatever. It's up to you. I don't mind it. More work for you if you, you know. The Santa Monica observer that Musk retweeted and then took down.

By the way, even the New York Post, I don't know when they became left wing, saying Pelosi posted a thing that, I mean, Musk posted a story that isn't based on blah, blah, blah. It's more based on fact than what I just told you. Why is the glass, like my wife said it, and believe me me she's as good as any detective out there trust me um she looked at the thing right away the glass is on the outside on the fucking outside of the door not the inside if the guy broke in the door with a fucking hammer or kicked the glass in the glass would be in the house number one number two they don't have security up the ass she's the third in line to be the president. No fucking security alarm went off. Suck my ass.

This guy was invited in. It was a fucking date that went bad. Anyways, I'll read the article. This guy, this is from the Santa Monica Observer. He has a source, like at the San Francisco police station, apparently. Paul Pelosi stated that he doesn't know who the male is, but he advised that his name is David and that he is a friend. That's what was said on the 911 call.

This thing's not stopping. Fuck me in the ass and call it a love story. Leave that in too. Seriously. Okay, let me repeat again. On the phone, he said the guy's name is David, and he is a friend, is what he said. Why would you say that if it was a complete stranger who busted the door and like the whole world is telling us? You're lying. And you're a piece of shit. Again, this is the guy who wrote the article in the Santa Monica Observer

who says he has a, it can all be verified. As San Francisco's, this is his take on it, and I'm telling you he's right on the money. As San Francisco's gay bars close at 2 a.m., two gay men met in a bar and went home together. Happens every night in the city by the bay, the guy says. We know that. Please give me a cup.

Oh, that's unnecessary. That doesn't forward the story. Except one of these two men was married to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. And again, no straight guy would marry a bitch like that. I might disappear for telling you the truth, the guy who wrote this said.

If I do, you'll all know why. But here's what really happened early Friday morning in San Francisco, in my humble opinion. Update. This story has gained a lot of interest. Our response to some of the comments is posted on Twitter. According to San Francisco Police Department, RP, reporting person, stated that there's a male in the home and that he's going to wait for his wife uh reporter person stated that he that's Pelosi by the way that he didn't know who the male is but he advised that his name is David and that he's a friend that's okay he sounded somewhat

confused it's been a rumor for years in San Francisco, I continue with the article, that Paul Pelosi is gay. I suck cock. Well, you don't have to go that far. And I love it. Yummy, yummy, yummy. Hey, we all do. I'm not gay. David DePay said to be a Castro nudist. Castro is a district in San Francisco that's, you know, grimy. It's San Francisco. Francisco. That's, you know, it's grimy. It's San Francisco. The lunatic who allegedly assaulted Paul Pelosi is a Berkeley resident and a former Castro nudist protester who worked

into hemp jewelry maker. Now, the left wing media today is trying to say that he's like a right winger, a fucking QAnon. Can you imagine? Yeah, sounds just like it because he had a few theories about the press being whatever. You know what I mean? Conspiracy theories that, by the way, might be right, number one, but he had like three of them on his social media and that's enough for them to try to... Guys, this was a lover's spat. I don't give a fuck. You know how dirty Pelosi is? I mean the wife. A former Castro nudist protester and a hemp jewelry maker. I bought some of his shit for my wife. Great. It's a bracelet and then we smoked it. Sounds totally MAGA Republican to me. This from Twitter. Okay, so here's the theory as related to me by a source. Castro nudists are a group of really radical gay male prostitutes that parade around naked with cock rings.

Okay, this is San Francisco. First of all, the police did not come in in response to an alarm. Now, why is that, folks? It's Pelosi's house. There's no alarm system. They came in response to a wellness check. So someone called them to check on Paul Pelosi. Right?

Do you believe that? I do. Hello? No, I ain't home. Hello? Hello? Put on your pants. When he didn't answer the phone,

the cops broke the sliding glass door to get in. See, they think either Nancy called some, you know, because they didn't hear from her until in the morning, I think they said, or a neighbor. The cops broke the sliding glass door to get in because they couldn't get in and there was a wellness, you know, they had to check on him. Pelosi was struggling with a suspect who was in his underwear. Why would that be, folks? And this can all be verified. But somebody went to the cops and told them, shut the fuck up right away. That's even verified. Pelosi owned the hammer, not to pape, or the male prostitute was doing something Pelosi didn't like. Probably forgot the safe password.

And then there was the press conference when they didn't know the mic was on. During that, a reporter confirmed that the suspect was a gay Castro nudist, but authorities told him, the reporter, he couldn't use it. Shut up! Shut, shut, shut, shut, shut up! Shut up! So don't you believe for a fucking second. Here's the thing, and you'll hear it in Gutfeld's monologue if you used it, but I said, I give him tidbits too, not just the funny shit.

I give him, you know, whatever. Whatever makes sense. Anyways. My take on it, and everybody else who has a half a brain, we're this close to the midterms. They will do anything. Will they not?

They will do anything. Will they not? They will do anything. And do you remember this phrase from Rahm Emanuel when he worked for Obama? Never let a crisis go to waste. It's not a crisis, but this is the same thing. It's a national story. Spin it, because all eyes are on it. Don't let it go to waste.

Make it look like a right winger did it. Guy makes hemp jewelry from Berkeley, but he's a MAGA guy. You fucking people. I hope all you kids have polio. Not polio. Give me something better. Muscular dystrophy. Not you kids,

but you. That was stupid. You kids, I hope they have bone cancer. Nick, don't even... I know, I'm fucking with karma right now. Anyways, they told the... Yeah, the reporter don't use it. Shut up! Shut! Shut! Shut! Shut! Shut up!

Now tell me something, the guy says. These people are worth hundreds of millions of dollars. And again, me and my wife are sitting on the couch saying the same shit before I even fucking saw this thing the next day. They're worth millions of dollars. And again, me and my wife are sitting on the couch saying the same shit before I even fucking saw this thing next day. They're worth millions of dollars. Nancy Pelosi, let's see, she's, again, third in line, right? They don't have the best, most amazing alarm system?

Get the fuck out of here. And by the way, Pelosi was in that drunk, oh, and by the way, the guy says, Pelosi was in that drunk, oh, and by the way, the guy says, Pelosi was in that drunk driving accident. He had a young man with him, and that too was covered up by the police and the press. Hey, little boy, do you want some candy? Yeah, I do. It's Halloween. What do you got, fella? I'll give you a fucking, I'll make your dick look like a payday bar. Ugh. How would suspect DePape have been able to break a window that, you know, without triggering an alarm? He didn't.

The police broke the window. Don't tell me this is fucking wrong. Because you could verify all. Except. Wait a minute. Except. Except. If the cops broke it, why is the glass on the outside? except, wait a minute, except, if the cops broke it, why is the glass on the outside?

So, Nick, you just blew your whole theory. No, I didn't. It probably got broken once they were in there in the melee. I don't know. All I know is this guy has a source. So do I.

The police broke the window to gain entry. There was only one hammer and it belonged to Pelosi This guy has a source. So do I. The police broke the window to gain entry. There was only one hammer, and it belonged to Pelosi. And one cop quoted the perpetrator saying, where's Nancy? None of the other sources said that happened at all. So they probably threw that in. You know, fucking Paul Pelosi's like, well, he was probably a little ditzy at the time.

Cops like, we got to come up with something. And one of them could easily have broken that window. Remember, there was no alarm triggered. How would suspect David DePave have got into that house without triggering? The cops smashed the glass to gain entry, and I believe that. Yes, sir. Thanks. It says, thank you to Elon Musk for retweeting this story, who called 911 to initiate a wellness check.

Either Nancy or her staff did, who called 911 to initiate a wellness check, either Nancy or her staff did, who hadn't heard from Paul all evening, and suddenly it's 2 a.m., or a neighbor hearing a fight at the Pelosi residence, which makes perfect sense, too. Admittedly, David DePayne is a no-nut case. He's an election denier. Here we go. He's an election denier, so I guess I'm a nut case, and 80 million other Americans are, but not the people who put this current jerk off in office. You guys are fine. You got it all together. Literally the worst president in the fucking history, not only in this country. He's an election donor. Says mainstream media who has posted conspiracy theories online, which they have. That may be true, but he also

lives in Berkeley where he's a 42-year-old career student. My law firm, this is the guy that wrote the article, says my law firm served him a lawsuit against Paul Pelosi. Excuse me. My law firm served, I got to lay off the coffee, dude. Served a lawsuit against Paul Pelosi one time in San Francisco after attempting to serve at other residents Napa Georgetown they uh they weren't home but staff were and multiple law enforcement officers were on the perimeter uh break-in is odd given this level of security it is and Harmeet Dhillon, Republican National Committee Chairman, said that.

She's a great fucking lawyer. That's her right there. I mean, come on, folks. Which one? You know what I mean? And considering how far, what are we away? How many days?

Eight, ten from voting or whatever the fuck? Seven next week? And they know they're getting crushed. And I'm going to say this again, God damn it. If one of these races is even close, I'm calling bad job. I mean that. If this isn't a fucking red tsunami, if they don't win the House, the Senate, your sister's

fucking, you know what, tree hut, what the fuck I'm talking about. I'm just saying. Anyways. So anyways, yeah, Elon Musk posted that and then took it down later. I don't know why. Not verified. The fuck it isn't. The guy who wrote it said it sure is.

Anyways, let me roast your buddy or say happy birthday. I had two or three this weekend, actually. I think there's one waiting for me. Let me roast your buddy or say happy birthday to your mom through Cameo. I really like doing these things, my manager said as he wrote this. And you can find my listing at cameo.com slash Nick Dipp. Go there and you can see some of the Cameos I've done and order one yourself. Or just go to the Cameo app on your phone and search my name, Kevin McGillicuddy. Anyhow, let's move on. So that's it. I had to cover that story a lot,

as you can see, because it's huge. Right here, what's this headline? Pure left-wing propaganda from CBS. I can't decide whose we're. NBC, CBS, ABC, they're all tied. I mean, the viewers on ABC, right? The election is already underway, which is a mistake. I say 24 hours. I don't care if people get crushed like those kids at Halloween in Korea. The election is already underway. Millions have voted, and tens of millions more

will before November 8th vote. Amid that, eight in ten likely voters describe things in the country today as dog shit or up my mother's buckets. No, as out of control, as opposed to under control. That's a good point.

I'm as mad as I am, and I'm not going to take this anymore. That doesn't bode well for the party in power. Republicans are winning those who say out of control right now by more than 20 points. Though even Schumer was hurt on a hot mic call. We're getting smoked in Georgia or something. Though they're often the ones feeling that way to begin with.

Republicans today remain in good position to win a majority of seats in the hot majority. How about everyone that's available? However, voters' current intentions, listen to this. Again, this is from CBS. Listen to this horseshit. This is what I'm talking about, pure propaganda. However, voters'

current intentions suggest anything from a sizable GOP majority to a bare Democratic one possible. Are you fucking, that, you know what that's for? That's for people who are sitting home that are lefties going, we're getting, I'm not even going to vote. That's what that's for. It's still close. Get out there. I'll help you with the translation. And I'll say this FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU that was Dallas this weekend

somebody pulled his mask off our latest model again this is from CBS folks this is pure left wing propaganda our latest model indicates a range of possibilities which you can explore using the interactive tool below.

It's called your father's dildo, you buck stain. In our baseline model, Republicans lead in 228 seats. It represents a slight shift their way from a few weeks ago with the party recapturing some of the leads that slipped from them in the summer. And that's the only reason those slipped is because you jerk-offs who believe everything that CBS and NBC says, they fed you a bunch of shit. I can't even remember what those stories were. That would constitute a 15-seat game.

I don't even know how many up for it, but it better be more than 15. I mean, 15 seats? I suppose I should have looked at the numbers earlier. I'm hoping it's 80, and I swear, if they lose two of them, I'm going to call foul. Lower than average for a party. Listen to this. Lower than average for a party challenging a first-term president in recent history.

Boy, that's reaching for some positive news. What they're implying, folks, it's way closer than you think. When it's not, at the level the majority line is just on the lower edge of the margin of error for our model. Don't give me that smart-alecky shit. If you're watching on election night, this scenario may not be clear right away, depending, yeah, exactly, depending on which particular seats flip.

Seven in ten voters do expect it to take at least a few days, maybe more than a week to know all, they're priming you for this. They're priming you for this. It might take a week, some of the people say, that they talk to before we know the results. They're already priming you for their horseshit. And by the way,

I can't believe, honestly, you should have 24 hours to vote. I don't give a fuck. Anyways, and you got to show there in person, give a stool sample. Yeah. It's going to take more than a week to know the results because it takes that long to fuck with the numbers. You get it, folks? Didn't you learn anything from the last election? So what politically does the scenario look like in which Democrats manage to hold the House? You believe this?

We ran our estimates through a turnout model. What's her name? Cynthia Guffrey? What the? What? Cynthia Guffrey? Who's that? Not even close.

Anyways. Through a turnout model in which younger voters, listen to this. This is their hopes they're holding on. Younger voters turn out in much higher numbers, which is hilarious because younger voters don't do that. Even when they're in a position with their party to win, you can't rely on younger voters. They'll sleep in. If it's raining, they'll say, fuck it. Number vote. So if young people turn out in bigger numbers, and our baseline model indicates bailing out Democrats out late in the game, that's a possibility. This would run counter to what we've seen in recent weeks.

How about recent decades? Both from what young voters tell us in surveys and from early ballot returns. But it isn't impossible. You keep hanging on to that. What you just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. May God have mercy on your soul. Do you hear that? That's the last line in supposedly objective journalism, but it doesn't mean it's impossible.

objective journalism. But it doesn't mean it's impossible. You guys, you know, you know you're in trouble. All right, let's lighten it up. It's fucking Halloween. SNL, you know, I stopped watching it years ago. Even when it stunk, I'd watch it. But I'm 60, so.

Honestly, I saw the first one ever live. And even when there were lean, shitty years, I still hung in there because it was still kind of funny i i enjoy writing you know how they write but yeah it's it turned into a every like everything else a left-wing piece of boring shit hey trump's a dick uh but they did a thing um kind of a uh a spoof a spoof of a horror movie trailer for like Halloween about the election upcoming. And I thought it was actually pretty, pretty funny. There's one little thing in there where they, you know, they talk about Biden is sitting around the table and they have to bring up like three, four positive things he does. But other than that, they made fun of the Democrat, you know, anyways, I can't do it justice because it sucks. No, I think it's better than most of the shit they've done lately.

So let's take a look at this. On SNL, it was a horror movie spoof for the elections. I'm going to get some more popcorn. You want some? Sure. Sometimes a familiar face can be the most terrifying. In political news, President Biden has said he intends to run for re-election in 2024.

You trust him once. I know he's a little old, but he could still win. Right? He beat Trump. But can he beat DeSantis? I don't know. I don't know! Can you trust him again?

He's 79 now. Election's in two years. So that means... When it feels like nothing's going right... Gas prices are still kinda high. Even though it kind of is. Why are we so worried? He's done so much. Student debt relief, holding NATO together, infrastructure bill. But he fell off his bike once!

Yeah. Only unfunny part. According to this article, he's not actually gonna run in 2024. He's just saying he is to present a united front before the midterms. What a relief. Yeah. I mean, I love the guy, but he did his part. But if Biden's not going to run, who will?

Just when you thought the terror was over. I don't know. I don't know. Kamala? Wake up! Do you realize it's just beginning? There's got to be someone. Cory Booker! He's corny!

Mayor Pete! Listen to yourself! From the producers of Smile and the twisted minds of Morning Joe. Guys? Guys! Not again! I have the perfect candidate. Space? A superstar who can go all the way.

In the ring! Sometimes your best option. The way. Hillary. Sometimes your best option... I'm with her. I'm with her. I'm with her. ...is the one you fear the most. There has to be someone. Biden maybe? Are we back to Biden?

I like Biden. Biden. Sir Biden? Biden's great. Right? He's Biden. 2020. So Biden? Biden's great. Right? He's Biden. 2020.2. 2024.

Coming in 2023. SNL, did you learn something from that? Yeah, that was called being kind of objective and taking a shot at Democrats. If you've been doing that for the last 20 years, you might still be getting ratings. Did you learn from that? That was kind of funny.

You know why? Because it was true. I hope you learned from that. Okay. Listen, Uncle Nick, you've been doing comedy a long time. Am I right, though? Take shots at both.

That was fucking well done, wasn't it? What did they spend on that? Lorne Michaels, you know, that's a note you should have given him. Although, you know, you're on the Hamptons with Hillary dancing, so you're not the one to, anyways. Finally tonight on Sugar Daddy's, let me do my tort thing first. Guys and gals, I'll be back on the road in less than two weeks. Aye, aye, aye.

Not this weekend, but next. Holy moly. I was looking at my book going, that's way down the... Here's where you can see me. The ladies room at the Cheesecake Factory. I'll be hiding in stall number two in Palm Beach. November 11th at Palm Beach Kennel Club, West Palm Beach. The next night, the 12th, Sanapis Comedy Club, Fort Myers, Florida. November 13th, the next night, Sunday, Sidesplitters Comedy Club, Tampa. January 13th and 14th, Comedy Off-Broadway in Lexington, Kentucky.

February 3rd and 4th, the Grove Comedy Club, Lowell, Arkansas. March the 11th and 12th, the Comedy Club of Kansas City in Kansas City, Missouri. You can get tickets to all these shows at nickdip.com and click on the tour button. Finally tonight, Nazis vs. Nazis.

It's a Halloween story, I think. A man in a Nazi uniform was intimidated into leaving a Soho bar as patrons shamed him and threatened him. Even the people, right, you can tell who signed. This guy's, kid's got a lot of balls.

All right, get up. Fuck that. Insprachens und Außen. You people are going, what's a big, look, I'm with this guy in the uniform, not because I fucking dislike Jewish people. Because we're in the United States of America and it's a Halloween costume. And I'm old enough and mature enough to fucking understand that. But when you're in Manhattan, the fucking bowels of the devil, they're fucking humorless.

Although that guy in the band seems to be getting a kick out of it. Hey, it's Dallas. Look at him. He's looking at the kid smiling. Probably a Jew hater right there. Anyway, so this guy sounds like a bar. So Hitler walks into a bar. Or a Jew with an actual sense of humor.

Or a Jew. Yeah, that's actually, I wonder. I don't know if they have sense in New York at least. Some of the funniest people alive. I mean, fucking come on, David Tell. The incident was captured. Listen to me. There are some of the funniest.

Right? If some liberal guy was watching, what the fuck does that mean? Exactly what I said. There. The incident was captured on video, posted to Twitter Saturday night as a costumed Halloween revelers imbibed across the boroughs. In the clip, the smiling young man, donning full regalia, including a swastika armband,

sidled up to the bar at Finelli Cafe, leaving other patrons aghast. Hillary don't mind. So here he comes in. La, la, la, la, la. What is wrong with you? No. Get out of here.

No. You're talking to him, man. Fuck you. You're not getting fucked up. I'm talking to you. To your own work. To your own flesh. Your own flesh. You let a fucking waiter chase you out, Hitler? Seriously. Fucking, we are child.

I don't get it. Nick, do you understand there's Jewish people? Yes, I do. I understand all that. Grow the fuck up. It's Halloween. You think he's wearing it as a support to the Nazis? Just like everything else, you guys twist.

Fucking idiots. You know what I'm saying? I'm sure they would have bummed if he came in and fucking picked something. You know what's funny? If he had a Trump hat on, it would have been the same response. That's what's funny. Fucking Manhattan. How dare you.

Anyways, that's it. Don't worry about it. We're having all kinds of mechanical shit today. That's all I have to say. Get a sense of humor left, will you? I know you don't have one, but honest to God. I already plugged the cameo thing, right? Okay, that's it for the first day.

I had fun. Hope you did, too. This redheaded bitch, you know. This is what I wear when I sit on the porch. But you know what? The World Series is on and there's NFL football, so my wife's on her own tonight. I hope she dresses like the stripper I asked her.

Okay, you guys think and I'll say you're very welcome. We'll see you back here tomorrow. Have a good rest of the day. Hi. Good night, everybody. guitar solo Thank you.