The Nick DiPaolo Show - Pelosi Playing Politics with People's Lives | Nick Di Paolo Show #320

Episode Date: March 23, 2020

Trump's incredible sarcasm. Black woman charged for coughing China virus on EMT. Madonna in tub, talking crazy. Thank you David B. from Salt Lake City for your "Ask Nick!" question and for your continued support on Patreon! MONDAY - THURSDAY 5PM EST #Trump #MAGA #ABreathOfFreshAir

Hey guys, it's Nick DiPaolo. You know what I'm sick of? I'm sick of being told what is acceptable in comedy, what is not acceptable. I've never followed the rules because there are no rules in comedy. It's an art form, okay? I don't wanna be told what I can say, what I can't say.

I've been saying this politically incorrect shit my whole career, starting as an open mic in 1988. I'm not a Johnny-come-lately. There's guys out there who are taking credit for pushing back now against the PC culture. I was the original deplorable. You can look it up, okay? That's why we created the Nick DiPaolo Show.

We have a place where I can speak unfiltered. The truth. There's two types of people, politically correct and people who are honest. And you guys are like me. We speak, we call it like we see it, okay? And that's why the show was created. We recently went free Monday through Thursday at nickdip.com, which means we need your support.

This show can only survive with contributions from you guys. And you can also sign up at patreon.com. That's a monthly subscription. Either way, we need your support more now than ever. So it's very important to us. I will continue

to call it like I see it. Speak unapologetically, unfiltered, because the world needs it right now. You want Bernie fucking Sanders or Nancy Pelosi and Joe Biden calling the shots? No.

In a perfect world, I'd be running the goddamn country. But we got somebody close enough, Trump. So again, thank you so much for your contributions. Go to nickdip.com. If you're watching on YouTube, just click that button right now

and we will continue to bring you the truth unfiltered and fuck anybody who doesn't like it. Talk to you soon. oh yeah oh yeah monday again j. Christ, I'll be dead soon. It's really flying. I'm not having a good time, I gotta be honest. Sometimes I welcome it. If I saw a nine-year-old Asian woman today, I'd kiss her right on the mouth, hope she threw up in my mouth. Who's with me? Tell me why I don't like Monday, tell me why. Anyways, how are you folks? Welcome to Georgia.

You playing with that sound there? Yeah, you were. It was low. I got my thing almost all the way up. I don't know. Anyways, great to be with you. Remind me to tell my American Idol story today. I watched a little of that last night to remind myself why I stopped watching

it when it was popular. I like shit like that. Hey, look, I went on auditions. I appreciate people can make fun of that stuff, but it takes a lot of balls to walk in there and do. But anyways, how politically correct and how they fucking hang the white man out to dry. It is fucking evil. You people at ABC, you're as evil as anybody. Oh, my God. But anyways, at ABC, you're as evil as anybody. Oh my God. But anyways, that's for the download, if I remember. Got no memory. Got no memory. What is going on? It's Monday. I feel like I've never done this before. What am I supposed to be saying right now? Donate. That's all I get to say. Donate. We need the cashish. Thank you so much. And you've been great. The support's been tremendous. Let's get right to it.

This is from last week. You know, we're in full Corona mode, I guess. I can't watch any more of it. I'm really, but I didn't get to this on Thursday. Just to, you know, people call Americans idiots and especially young Americans. And I hear too much of that because the rest of the world is pretty stupid too. If you watch the news um but these fucking teenagers they're coughing on produce that's the challenge out there god bless the web huh it's really giving us some good shit they're coughing on

produce during a pandemic they think that's funny nice hawk of blue cheese on your bib lettuce. Fucking. Go ahead. Show the clip. Out of control. Teenagers coughing on grocery store produce. Participating in a disturbing trend of coughing on grocery store produce and posting their brand news online as the nation fights the coronavirus which is known to spread from human droplets spraying from mouths the report said that the store identified on social media as harris teeter

cleaned up the area the police said the idiot motherfucker. The grocery store immediately removed the items in question and has taken appropriate measures to ensure the health of store patrons. Fucking teenagers. Why is everyone

so fucking stupid? Why aren't more people intelligent? Like me. Coughing on fucking fruits and vegetables. It's not going to affect me me i don't eat that shit frozen pizza and snack pack pudding i haven't taken a good dump in three weeks

so all i did was cook this weekend like a bitch put on about five pound five nine and a half 215 and i'm not fat must be my muscular ass That's what the Cub Scout told me. Stop coughing on the produce, you assholes. Jesus. I never thought we'd get to the point where I'd miss people licking my ice cream and putting it back in the freezer. Now we're coughing on

frigging... Can you imagine? Raz, I mean, come on. Your family's having grits. What's that got to do with it, grits? I mean, collard greens, which I fucking love. And next thing you know, you all got a fever and the shits, and just stop it, kids.

I think we finally get them off the beaches. I'm not sure. But you can't stop people when they're 18. I want to make fun of these kids, but I got a feeling, you know, I would have been that nitwit. You know, you're in college. You work your ass off all year. You're going to stop me from going to Daytona Beach,

picking up some whores? Come on. Could be leprosy polio. I'm still going down there. So you leave with a limp in the shits. I had a great time. But that's fucking gross. This is what the – it's got to be an american

phenomenon uh people a teenage that dumb around the world i'm not seeing italian well they're all dead um jesus italy what are you doing over there now they're just letting people uh 60 years older that are in critical because they're letting them die. They don't even bother getting a respirator. That's ridiculous. But you kids and you parents, it's just another fucking example of your dog shit parenting skills. But I can't blame it all on you. Let's get to the, you know, they're trying to pass this big bill, right, to save the economy. That's the biggest scare. It's not the virus. I'm going to do a story in a few minutes about a nobel laureate he's a chemist and a biologist and um who predicts this thing's going to go away quick and he's got the resume this guy's like a psychic almost but anyways so so trump and the

republicans and the democrats this is supposed to be bipartisan because people are fucking dying they're trying to pass a bill right to send businesses money everybody people getting checks in the mail and and uh they're trying that was you know they were supposed to do it last week they push it to monday why because guess who's guess who's slowing things up this broad i can't wait till she fucking dies honest to god nick that's horrible um but the headline is democrats push pork for planned parenthood in coronavirus package can you imagine that's do you ever stop thinking about your vaginas once seriously miss pelosi do you ever stop with a woman's horse shit? Do you ever?

It's a religion to them. It affects TV, movies, commercials, everything. People are frigging dying, and she's worrying about squeezing shit in about abortion. The Hill reported Sunday that one of the reasons bipartisan support for a massive coronavirus stimulus package has fallen apart is once again because Democrats want the bill to prop up Planned

Parenthood. That's what they're thinking about. It's kind of ironic, isn't it? Because they're all about, and again, I'm not a big pro-life guy either, but I'm just saying they're all about, right? They're pro-abortion. I don't care how you want to word it, which is actually, you know, snuffing out lives, depending on who you are. And it's kind of funny they're doing that when they're trying to pass a package to save lives for the coronavirus. Oh, my God. A Democrat aide said that the small business provision was drafted to exclude nonprofits who receive Medicaid from being eligible for small business administration assistance offered under this bill. That, according to the aid, would impact Planned Parenthood, because they're a non-profit,

but also community health centers, rape crisis centers, and disability service providers. Planned Parenthood is identified as a non-profit, not a small business. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, pictured here, said Sunday she'll be moving ahead with her own emergency relief package and ended hopes for an immediate vote in the Senate to further assistance for the nation in the midst of a goddamn pandemic. You dumb whore. This this was her about 10 years ago before the facelifts. Unfucking believable. She's going to pass her own thing further for the nation in the midst of a crisis caused by the virus that originated in china and she's just politics all the time

20 it's a religion especially when it comes to feminism she's a malignant cunt oh that's an understatement senate republicans and the white house have insisted that they will continue to push for 1.6 trillion economic relief package, which would include $350 billion in support for small businesses, $250 billion for unemployment insurance. The package would also include direct cash payments to individuals around $1,200 per individual with additional funds going to families with children. Politico also reported Pelosi's announcement is an

indication she will not be simply taking up the Senate bill and moving it forward on the unanimous consent base. Of course not, because Trump's in office. She'd rather watch people fucking die. That also means the House may be forced back into session, even though many of the lawmakers are concerned about the threat from the coronavirus and the difficulties in reaching capitol hill from their home district you know ran paul's got it and shit uh you know they don't want to go near the polluted capital democrats also push listen to this for add-ons including food security aid well what is that small business loans yeah that's in there and other measures

for workers saying three months of unemployment insurance offered under the draft plan uh is insufficient oh my god do they ever fuck you need to shut the fuck up first of all how do you know it's insufficient wait this is unprecedented what's going on. They're picking a number based on a lot of research what they think will help the economy. Insufficient. He could have said $100 trillion and this dumb bitch would have said the same thing. My apologies to Hillary Clinton. This woman is more evil than you are. At least you're in the game mixing it up and you're hated and you're you stir the fucking, you know, you're a shit stirrer.

I like this. This broad is just just a friggin hypocrite. Two weeks ago, listen to this. It was discovered Pelosi attempted to ensure a Hyde Amendment loophole was included in an earlier coronavirus economic stimulus proposal. You know, the Hyde Amendment, that's a longstanding provision applied to spending bills that states taxpayer monies will not be used to fund abortions. This is what's on her mind. You got somebody explained to me, honestly, fucking Pelosi, Planned Parenthood and other members of the abortion lobby accused Republicans of holding up that emergency bill to promote their anti-abortion agenda. No, you fucking started the fight. You put shit in there about Planned Parenthood, right? They react and now they're the bad guys. She's playing politics during a pandemic. That's how I see it. The Democrat leader herself criticized republican leaders stating families have

needs and that that a decision was needed to help families right now that's what they're doing i don't like this bitch This song goes out. Moving up to number seven on the charts. It goes out to an old wrinkled bitch from San Francisco. Sent to her from Donald Trump. Dear Snatch Face, quit playing politics. Did you see Trump this weekend? You know, he's on TV every day.

He's being smart about this, obviously. Do I hear? For fuck's sake. Leaf blowers or whatever the fuck. What do they have, jet engines on them look outside it's like guatemalans flying around on the fifth floor listen to that you fucks did you guys see trump giving a press conference over the weekend this made me laugh my balls off uh of course this is how they have to report it the mainstream donald trump has appeared to mock the threat of the deadly coronavirus to mitt romney uh the only republican senator who voted

to convict him on impeachment charges so right away from the first sentence you know who reporting this and shit it fucking made me laugh the utah senate and former presidential nominee said he was taking advice on self-isolation after spending time on Friday with Rand Paul, who announced on Sunday he had tested positive for COVID-19. Told during a White House briefing that Romney was one of the several politicians self-isolating, the president said this. Watch this. Romney's in isolation? Yes. Gee, that's too bad.

Go ahead. Did that have sarcasm there? No. Sir? No. Gee, that's too bad. Go ahead. Did I detect sarcasm there, sir? No, not whatsoever. I know what you did. You're a damn pedophile. How about the little weasel reporter? Instead of just laughing it off, he goes, did I detect? He wants to, you know, ooh, I'm getting a big scoop here. And I loved how Trump played it.

He goes, no, not at all, which was more sarcastic than his G that's. Do you understand? But when people are going to bust his balls, but he's going to go, no, I said with a straight face. No, I'm not being sarcastic. Of course he was. That's why I love him. I used to like Mitt Romney turned into a fucking dirtbag. Not just now when Trump was running.

Remember, he's trashing. Anyways. Now we get motorcycles. Why is life so difficult? You suck up there if you even exist. I'd like to fucking bitch slap you. What's that mean? Oh, God's a woman, I heard.

Anyways, that made me laugh. MSNBC host Chris Hayes responded to Mr. Trump's comment by tweeting, super funny joke, you know, being sarcastic. One of our incredible colleagues died from this on Friday. Larry Edgeworth, an NBC employee who worked in equipment room at the broadcast headquarters in New York, died last week from this. And so we can't make jokes about it. Nobody can. Your tears are so yummy and sweet. Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness. Yummy, yummy, you guys. Is there anybody more humorless than anybody that works at MSNBC? Fucking left wingers, you don't have a sense of humor. You

turned a guy like Louis C.K., who's pretty goddamn liberal, to hate your guts and many other libs. You're just fucking humorless. Mr. Romney has become a hate figure for the president and his supporters since becoming the lone Republican to vote for Mr. Trump's conviction for abuse of power. Yeah. Which was a yeah, a hoax impeachment. And oh, he's he's he's the targeted hate from Republicans. How about Trump the day he came down the escalator? He's been a target ever since. Media Research Center statistics, 93 percent negative coverage since he's been the president. But he can't make a snide joke like that. You guys love to dish it out, you little faggot.

But you can't take it. Fucking really getting angry. joke like that you guys love to dish it out you little faggot but you can't take it fucking really getting angry uh anyways chris hayes i'm sorry we're sorry about you nobody should be able to joke about coronavirus because somebody you knew died fucking weasley msm how are they still on the fucking air how is cnn still on the? These shitheads are still watching it. Now here's a girl I'd like to date. She seems like she's got her shit together. I can't decide whether we look like a fucking look like I look like I'm working in the prison woodshop with this shirt on this fucking prison shirt uh a woman arrested for assaulting her boyfriend a woman arrested for assaulting her boyfriend shouted i have the coronavirus before intentionally coughing in the face of a paramedic who she sprayed with copious amounts of saliva. Fucking bitch.

Responding early Wednesday to a domestic violence call in Lady Lake. Can we make this shit up? Lady Lake. That's probably a stripper name. In an Orlando suburb, police encountered the bloodied victim, the man whose nose was broken, told officers that he'd been

attacked by his girlfriend, LaDonald Shacky Holmes. LaDonald? Raz, your people and their names. Black people put a lot in front of every name, thinking it's going to sound classy. What's that, French? Yeah, he grew up in the Pork and Beans Project, but he's French. This is a woman, la donald la bitch with la flaring nostrils she looks bright though she looks like she's got a lot going on uh the man said he was lining bed with holmes that was his first mistake and i said to raz this guy has to be fucking white no way a black guy's gonna admit his husband at her i mean his wife beat him up. Or an Italian or a Mexican.

When she told the victim she wanted to have sex, the victim recalled that he declined to engage, can you blame him, with Holmes since she's leaving him to get back with her ex-husband. So he's like, fuck that bitch. Rebuffed, Holmes became very agitateditated looks like her natural state at which time she roundhouse kicked the victim in the nose and then punched him in the nose that resulted in the victim's nose breaking the victim then started bleeding all over i'm sure a very expensive car but if i can dump uh homes is a. The woman's a black belt in martial arts.

We're going to get Joe Rogan to interview her. He's a little whore and a little piece of trash. When officers responded to the residents, Holmes was arrested for battering her boyfriend. As paramedics sought to evaluate Holmes, she became physically combative. After an EMS worker sedated the arrestee, Holmes was being placed on a stretcher when she shouted, I have the coronavirus. Holmes then allegedly coughed

directly on the face of an EMS worker, which resulted in copious amounts of saliva landing on the parent's face. Oh my gosh. Thank you. Holmes is facing a pair of felony counts, domestic battery and battery on a paramedic.

Holmes, whose rap sheet includes several prior convictions, is scheduled for arraignment. And I can see a lot of snot coming out of that nose. Looks like the Holland Tunnel. You've got to be careful. That's where a lot of this shit emanates. When you get tested for corona, or the regular flu like I did,

they stick a Q-tip about a foot long. They touch almost the part of your speech center in your brain. I walked out of the urgent care speaking pig Latin. But watch. Here's a girl sneezing. Oh! speaking pig latin but uh well watch here's a girl sneezing and oh i'd lick that right off if i was on a first date i'd just go like that just to show how much i like that's where the coronavirus started that's the original bubble look at that it like, didn't the good witch of the West or whatever, Wizard of Oz float down on that fucking,

look at that snot bubble. I was on a plane once, this is true, doing a flying to do a gig and a lady sneezed. We were both on the aisle seats. She fucking sneezed and I saw a bubble come out, off like out of her mouth. It floated over and landed on my hand. Oh my God.

I went right to the bathroom i was i trying to burn it off in there can you imagine anyways you know who else is being affected by corona corona micah harvey weinstein boy betcha women are laughing their balls off with this first of all who knows if it's true enough weinstein is put into isolation after contracting the coronavirus. This is rape. This is rape. The State Department of Corrections and Community Supervision confirmed Sunday that two prisoners had went. That's the prison had tested, had tested. It says had tested, posted positive. Fuck and learn to pause the mainstream. Positive. Fucking learn to positive.

The mainstream, did you notice the press conferences, they all look like college age girls with their stupid Janine Garofalo glasses and their politically correct haircuts. Where's the crusty old white guys that are fucking oh yeah, that's right. We're part of the problem. Two

prisoners tested positive at the Wend whatever facility. They were not able to identify inmates citing privacy laws when the correctional facility near Buffalo was six hours by car from Manhattan. What a miserable life Harvey Weinstein is living and rightly so. A six hour drive up to Buffalo. He's living the life of a comedian. I've made that trip 19 times when I was young. It was due to be a temporary stop for Weinstein before he was due to be evaluated

to determine which state prison facility meets his security, medical, mental health, and other needs. Who cares? He was at Rikers. That place is crawling with shit. I'm surprised coronavirus went into Rikers. The shit that's going on in there.

There's like 30 people at Rikers have it when he was there, I guess. Weinstein spokesman said he called the move harsh. Really? How about raping girls on a couch? Was that harsh? Allegedly. I don't know. But he's convicted.

Accuser Rose McGowan, she started a lot of this, posted to Twitter Sunday evening writing, Dear Harvey, in your darkest hour, repent, and in your lightest moment, set yourself free, she said. That boy is a P-I-G pig. Harvey tweeted back, nice tits. I'm glad I got a piece of that ass. No, I make light of the situation. The board overseeing New York City's jails urge officials to start releasing vulnerable populations and those being held on low-level offenses as the coronavirus outbreak hit the notorious Rikers Island. Yeah, release people from Rikers.

Again, nonviolent. Doesn't matter. Do you see where their priorities are? They're worried about these scumbags that are in jail over you. Yeah, release them back onto the streets. And I don't care if it was for jumping a, you know what, a turnstile in the subway. It's such bullshit. Fewer people in the jails will save lives. No, it won't. Depending on what they do, why don't you let them out? We've already had a couple examples of people let out because de Blasio's silly bail rule. And it actually attacked people. We did those stories already.

Fewer people in jails will save lives and minimize transmission among people in custody, as well as the staff. Hey, that comes with a job. All right? Board of Correction interim chairwoman, oh, there we go. All the upper brass, broads now. Google her. Could you write Jacqueline Sherman?

If she's not black, I am. Wrote in a letter to New York's criminal justice leaders this weekend. Failure to drastically reduce the jail populations threatens to overwhelm the city's jails, health care system, as well as its basic operations. And to you, Jacqueline, I say this. Make me a sandwich. Make me a fucking sandwich. No offense.

Sherman pushed for the release of more than 2 000 people in custody in new york city jails well are you going to test them before you release them uh including those over 50 years old those with health conditions such as lung and heart disease everybody in there has some type of disease those being held for parole violations such as missing a curfew and those serving sentences of less than a year. I just don't. We have lost it, man. We're fucking losing it. What'd she look like, Raz?

Jacqueline Sherman. Anytime. Not that they don't have a picture. Yeah. Want to see me pull it up on my phone in three seconds? How you spelling Jacqueline? I'm afraid to ask. J-A-C-Q-U-E-L-I-N, whatever.

Okay, let's call her Chinese. I don't want to offend anybody out there. Rosanna Arquette, Rosanna Arquette, who has one of the nicest racks. You got her? She's white. Like I said, it's a white bitch. Black woman wouldn't do that.

Black woman say, stay put. That was a dumb prediction of mine. Fucking white people want PC than anybody. Rosanna Arquette, she tweeted this. She had a best set of tits in the history of Hollywood. And Nick, why you say that? Well, because if people get upset, it makes me happy. I don't wish this on any human being. I wish everyone to have access to testing so we can stop the spread of this killer virus

and for our president to take care of the American people. People are dying. He really doesn't care, does he? She said. Oh, God, help me. You stupid fucking blabbermouth that would have been funny if i hit the button 10 minutes after i said she has a beef obviously but you understand rosanna our cat rosanna our cat she was involved in the harvey weinstein okay, she was involved in the Harvey Weinstein. Okay? Right?

She was involved. She accused him of doing something. Keep that in mind. Yet she's still siding with him over the president, saying the president doesn't give a shit. I'll say it again. You stay in Hollywood long enough or anywhere within a mile of it, you'll eventually be retarded with your politics.

Luckily, I had no luck in show business, so I'm fine. Another person, Alison Green, whoever the fuck that is. I have a friend who's pregnant and has symptoms. She tested negative for flu and strep, but can't get a test for coronavirus. What spoiled rotten brats. A pandemic, unprecedented situation, and everything's supposed to be taken care of with no. And here's another one. But Harvey Weinstein got it.

Oh, this is her. But Harvey Weinstein got a test. They should have isolated him. But why waste a precious test on him? Why? Because he's going to be in a jail population. You don't want to spread that to other people, right? Because then Jacqueline Sherman will have to let him out. White bitch. Totally no reason to bring racism to that story just jammed it in there

the first positive test from inside prisons and jails started trickling out just over a week ago with less than two dozen officers and staff infected in facilities spanning from california to michigan to pennsylvania wow real epidemic new cases pop up almost every day. Yeah, well, you're in prison. You should have fucking behaved yourself. Let me get to the sponsor. I don't know how each, they want it in the middle of the show. I don't know where the middle of the show is. I wing it every day.

Our new sponsor, this episode of the Nick DiPaolo Podcast, brought to you by Tushy. That's right. Hello, Tushy.com. You guys know there's a toilet paper shortage right now. You know who doesn't need toilet paper? People who aren't wiping your ass but washing it. Break up with your toilet paper. Treat your butt right with Tushy.

That's T-U-S-H-Y. Wiping your butt with dry toilet paper does not remove all the shit yeah but in layman's terms doctor could you let me know uh i love this company uh if you got poop on any other part of your body would you just wipe it off with dry paper i would not i'm afraid of poop baby poop dog I got, in high school, I got a little on my finger. I don't know why. I was drunk. Honest to God, I thought I was looking at a,

my buddy had one of those little pen knives. I wanted to just chop the tip of my, oh, it scares me. Anyways, if you got it on another part of your body, you wouldn't just wipe it off with dry paper. Water cleans better than dry paper. Thankfully, there's now a sleek bidet attachment that clips onto your existing toilet, sprays your butt completely clean with fresh water.

It's called Tushy, and it's the best thing you could do for your butt. Tushy sprays directly to your ass and removes the poop completely so you aren't sitting on the bacteria that leads to nasty things like hemorrhoids, yeast infections, UTIs, itchy assholes, voting Democrat. Bidets are common in the rest of the world. A bidet saves you money on toilet paper. You know why these things are great? They don't clog your toilet. Tushy sprays your ass with fresh water. It's not toilet water. Tushy connects to the water supply behind your toilet to spray your dirty parts with clean, fresh water.

Wet wipes are worse than toilet paper. They're terrible for the environment. They cause anal fissures. You don't want your anus fissuring, do you? Have you ever had your anus fissuring? Oh, my God. Huh? Right? But they make perfect sense.

This is good for the environment. I know they use them in nursing homes and stuff. I seriously want them to send me one. I can go through a whole roll of toilet. I eat a lot, folks. Let's be honest, don't you? Anyways, here's the catch, man. Well, there's no price on this now.

Is that the change? Go to hellotushy.com forward slash Nick Dip and get 10% off your order. Now, the last copy I had, it said $79. It's not on there, so maybe that's changed. But anyways, it's a great product. Go to HelloTushy.com forward slash NickDip and get 10% off your order. Do it today.

We thank you, Tushy, for sponsoring the show. In a related story, Florida man arrested after allegedly stealing 66 rolls of toilet paper from a hotel. And I thought I ate a lot. Mother of God. How much? A security guard

for the Marriott Hotel in Orlando. Jesus, they had a bad week, Orlando, huh? You got Corona woman spitting in a cop's face. Now you got this fella. Security guard, Marriott Hotel in Orlando, reportedly saw Angel Hernandez Cinto, 31, pushing a trash can in a bag inside his van on Friday night.

The guard looked through the car window and saw the bag was full of unused toilet paper rolls from the hotel. Hernandez, though, a reported cleaner at the hotel, allegedly admitted to the guard that he took 66 rolls of toilet paper, valued at 99 cents each. He said he knew of a woman who was poor and unemployed. It's called his girlfriend or wife, telling officials that he wanted to help her family. And an arrest report obtained by the outlet said Hernandezan Andecito apologized. I love when they put that in when it's a minority, but he apologized. So he's not a bad guy. You're lying. And you're a piece of shit. So it looks like me if I was swollen. He was charged with theft from a public lodging establishment. Who knew that was a rule?

Now, if I'm the cop, I go, okay, bring me to the fucking poor lady you're talking about. I want to see her family. Just bust his balls. It's kind of scary that we got other shit going on. Terrorism, pandemics, and this is a big bust. It'll be on investigative news. Don't steal, okay. Don't steal. Okay? Don't steal.

It never works out. I never stole anything in my life. Not a single thing. I don't know if that's true. No, that's not true. I stole fucking liquor from my parents' cabinet in high school. Israeli doctor in Italy. Well, that's your first mistake. You're an Israeli doctor in Italy. What the fuck?

No, he's helping people out. He says, listen to this. We no longer help those over 60. Israeli medical doctor Guy Peleg toldi television that in northern italy the orders are not to allow those over 60 access to respiratory machines wow bye bye italy suffered more coronavirus related victims than china with 4825 confirmed deaths and 5000 confirmed patients and that last that has to be wrong it says in the last 24 hours they didn't suffer 4800 deaths in the last 24 hours did they

res is like you're supposed to research and not me. What are you fucking, what's the matter with you? Israeli doctor Guy Peleg, who is currently working to save lives in Parma, that's where I get all my cheese, told Channel 12 that things are only getting worse as the numbers of patients keeps growing. You know, they're all very old over there. But their health care thing just collapsed. They couldn't handle a regular flu. You goddamn guineas make me laugh.

I come over here to help you. I take your brother, and he's got coronavirus. As his department receives coronavirus patients who are terminally ill, the focus is to allow patients to meet loved ones. Oh, boy, I don't know about that. My mother gets it and she's on her death, but I'm like, ah, I can't do it. I got a gig Sunday night in Buffalo. Tell her I said hello. To meet loved ones and communicate with them during the last moments, despite the quarantine regulations. Other reports claim that as the numbers of dead increases, some families find themselves unable to secure a proper burial

for their loved one. What, are you kidding me? Italians, you can't find a place to bury your body? That's fucking bullshit. Just pretend they owe you money. Chop them up. Bring them to Charlie's house.

That was a doozy. That's the clip of the day, whoever's doing this, if anybody's putting clips up anymore. Peleg said that from what he sees and hears in the hospital, it's a lot of this. The instructions are not to offer access to artificial respiratory machines to patients over 60. As such, machines are limited in number. Boy, they got their priorities straight over there, don't they?

Get this through your head. Get this through your head, you Jew motherfucker, you! That's an Italian guy talking to his Jewish doctor about a respirator for his dad. Israel is currently purchasing thousands of respiratory machines

and they are meant to arrive in the country. I'm guessing they mean Italy by mid-May. A little late for that, ain't it? Anyways, they're doing their best to try to help people. It's a very nice thing. There's actually good news coming up, and here it is. I wanted to get to this story.

I was going to say I have a Patreon question if you want to do that. Yeah, all right, brother. By the way, Raz got a, is that shaved? It's not shaved. Is that a one? Is that considered shaved, your head? Kind of, yeah. Looks fucking great, man. Yeah, brush cut.

I cut it myself. Oh, you did? Did you really? Yeah. What, just the clippers? Yeah. So no attachment? Just buzzed it right off?

Just fucking buzzed it. You look like 10 years younger. Do your wife like that look? She's not talking to me right now anyway, so it doesn't matter. Welcome to the club. He did that out of anger. I'll show you, bitch. She probably hates short hair on you.

Oh, my God. That's too funny. Patriot. Patriot. Patriot. Oh, gee. David B., Salt Lake City, Utah. oh my god that's too funny uh patreon oh gee david b salt lake city utah nick i was making out with mitt romney's sister you think i'm in danger why we get a lot of questions salt lake don't we david b uh when working for chris rock did you write the mario joyner skits where he played the man who couldn't get a cab or service because he was black and the doctor prescribes hard liquor for depression definitely some of the best skits on the show hands down uh no i didn't write those dave thanks for pointing out a couple of funny ones but uh i'll tell you what i wrote the one uh and you guys can google this chris says they they liked it so much they showed it to the live audience before every taping. It was the Malcolm X Games.

Remember the X Games? So I pitched this thing to Malcolm X Games. Muhammad, Muhammad, Muhammad. You know, all these. And I couldn't believe what they did. I didn't know they had this kind of budget. They went out and they got black guys, put them in those Muslim suits with a bow tie. You know, the Malcolm X suits.

And they had them jumping out of airplanes on dirt bikes. And it killed so hard that they used it for every live taping to warm the audience up. And then I the other one I wrote that Chris said was his. And I'm not I'm quoting Chris Rock said it was his favorite thing in his six years of the show, his favorite segment. It was about like white boxes. You know, Mark Breland is fromoklyn we went to his gym we interviewed boxes and shit and then we showed you know this was when like uh i'm trying to think who the great white hope was that there was oh tommy morrison remember he was in the rocky movies and

shit just getting the crap kicked i don't know anyways he said it was his favorite uh i i got a lot on there i did the um the around christmas time we did the uh 12 things of kwanzaa the 12 days of kwanzaa my boo gave to me a glock nine but they brought in a choir they brought in a black choir from harlem to sing it and shit it was fucking best time i ever had it was best my best showbiz gig would. Chris would come in on a hot day and go, let's go to the Yankees game. Then he'd sit next to Ali, who's another funny son of a gun, and they would come up with a sketch while they're picking on some people and we'd go home and flesh it out.

I wrote a lot of his jokes, but that good question anyways gave me a reason to brag about myself. Here's some positive news folks that's right i said positive news about corona so you know mr dipalo i'm uh i'm really proud of you you should be uh michael levitt a nobel laureate and stanford biophysist, you think he's smart, began analyzing the number of COVID-19 cases worldwide in January and correctly calculated that China would get through the worst of its coronavirus outbreak long before many health experts had predicted. Now he foresees a similar outcome in the United States. There he is right there. What the hell does he look like?

And he looks like Bob Cozy. That's what he looks like. And the rest of the world. He says this. While many epidemiologists are warning of months or even years of massive social disruption and millions of deaths, Levitt says the data simply does not support such a dire scenario, especially in areas where reasonable social distancing measures are in place, like the United States, hopefully. What we need is to control the panic, he said, in the grand scheme. We're going to be fine.

Why should we take his words? He says, here's what Levitt noticed in China on January 31st, my birthday. They're trying to pin it on me. The country had 46 new deaths due to the coronavirus, compared with 42 new deaths the day before. OK, so this is right at the beginning. Where's my friggin? Oh, for fuck's sake. Fuck. Let me repeat that. On January 31st in China, the country had 46 new deaths due to the novel coronavirus compared with 42 new deaths the

day before. Although the number of daily deaths has increased, the rate of that increase has begun to ease off. Essentially, although the car was still speeding up, it was not accelerating as rapidly as before. This suggests that the rate of increase in number of deaths will slow down even more over the next few weeks. Levitt wrote in a report he sent to friends on February 1st that was widely shared on Chinese social media. And soon, listen to this, it gets better, he predicted the number of deaths would be decreasing every day. So he's basing it on new cases the next day.

You know what I mean? Number of deaths, new cases the next day. Three weeks later, and that's number of deaths, new cases the next day, three weeks later. And that's the important number. New cases, you know, the next day, if they're going down three weeks later, Levitt told the China Daily News that the virus rate of growth had peaked. Listen to this. He predicted that the total number of confirmed Corona cases in China would end up around 80,000, with about 3,250 deaths, okay? That's fucking pretty good.

I'd kill you. I'd kill you right now. Kill me. I'm right here. Kill me. Listen to this. This forecast turned out to be remarkably accurate. As of March 16th, China had counted a total of 80,298 cases. He said 80,000. Okay. And China had counted, as of March 16th, 3,245 deaths.

He was off by five. This guy knows his shit. Why isn't he on TV in a loop? He should be standing next to Trump in a nation of nearly 1.4 billion people where roughly 10 million die every year. 10 million just die a year over there. Half of that is from bad-mouthing the, you know, the president. I'm trying. The number of newly diagnosed patients has dropped to around 25 a day with no cases of community spread reported since Wednesday. Now, Levitt, who received the 2013 Nobel Prize in Chemistry for developing

complex models of chemical systems, which I used to do before I got into comedy, is seeing similar turning points in other nations, even ones that did not instill the draconian isolation measures that China did. He analyzed 78 countries with more than 50 reported cases of COVID every day and sees signs of recovery. He's not looking at cumulative cases, but the number of new cases every day and the percentage growth in that number from one day to the next. He says the numbers are still noisy, but there are clear signs of slowed growth. In Iran, for instance, where we wished it would peak. No, we like the Iranian people.

We just want the idiots that run the place to get it. In Iran, for instance, the number of newly confirmed COVID-19 cases remained relatively flat last week from 1133 on Monday to 1148 on Friday. That's not too bad, actually, right? Levitt acknowledges that his figures are messy and that the official case counts in many areas are too low because testing is spotty. But even with incomplete data, a consistent decline means there's some factor at work that is not just noise and numbers.

The trajectory of deaths back up his findings, he said. So do data from outbreaks in confirmed environments. So do data from outbreaks in, I can't see, in confined environments such as the one Diamond Princess cruise ship. Out of 3,711 people on board, 712 were infected and eight died. In his view, this unintended experiment, that's what he calls the cruise ship, in coronavirus spread will help researchers estimate the number of fatalities that would occur in a fully infected population. Levitt said the social distancing mandates are critical, particularly the ban on large gatherings, because the virus is so new that the population has no immunity to it. And a vaccine is still many months away.

This is not the time to go out drinking with your buddies. And even he hates what the media is doing. Durka, Durka, Muhammad Jihad, Haka Sherpa Sherpa, a bacalao. I have no idea why that came in. I have no idea why that came in. But listen, he also blames the media for causing unnecessary panic by focusing on the relentless increase in the cumulative number of cases and spotlighting celebrities who contract the virus. By contrast, get this, folks. And I've been saying this. This is how you keep it in perspective.

Get this, folks. And I've been saying this. This is how you keep it in perspective. The flu. The flu has sickened sickened 36 million Americans since September and killed an estimated twenty two thousand. According to the CDC. But those deaths are largely unreported. Smart. You are correct, sir. See what I'm saying? And they're on they're on MSNBC and CNN cnn and abc's trump does he wasn't prepared for this but but but what do what do we had 400,000 what do i don't even know what the death total is up to huh yeah if you can while you're doing that i will read people you guys realize the show is free and we survive on your donations

at nickdip.com or you can actually sign up at patreon.com to be a monthly supporter and if you do that you get an extra story you get to ask me you get to ask me some questions and you get access to 300 plus shows

but we rely on you guys for the donations at nickdip.com. Here are one-time contributors. Okay, I'm going to read them as fast as I can because there's a lot of them. And we can't thank you guys enough. Craig Goodmanson, Washington. Tim Sec, New York. Christopher Wojcik, North Carolina. Kenneth Strandberg, Rhode Island.

Paul Murphy, Massachusetts. Susan Justice, South Carolina. Sergei Milyukov, Philadelphia. Steve Mote, New Jersey, Wesley Marshall, Washington, James Neal, California, Robert Murphy, Massachusetts, Benjamin Kuesnel, New York, Tahuya Bar and Grill, Washington, Debbie Ellsworth, Connecticut, Norman Shearer, Missouri, John Keisler, California, Anthony Kinraid, Canada, Nicholas Petullo, New Jersey, Ian Greenberg, New York, Ralph Lickmyhairysackledge, Florida, fucking Florida, Ed Mecherec, Pennsylvania, Tommy Beninati, Nevada, Ryan Wheeler, Michigan, Robert DeLuga, Illinois, Greg Vodvarka, California,

Brad Pecoraro, New Jersey, George Stewart, Texas, Greg McKee, North Carolina, John White, Ohio, Brett Dietrich, Minnesota, Hillary Haunted Hair Pie, Utah, Hillary Haunted Hair Pie, Mitt Romney, Eric Berry, Texas, Bridget Rogers, Illinois, Stephen Conley, Tennessee, Michael Santavaneer, Canada, Phil Gates, Tennessee, Mark Osorno, Illinois, Stephen Conley, Tennessee, Michael Santavanera, Canada, Phil Gates, Tennessee, Mark Osorno, Illinois, Michael Larson, Pennsylvania, Michael McDonald, Florida, Da White Boy, Indiana, Gabagool Gobbler, Pennsylvania, Harry Bologna, Pennsylvania, Zach Vandervoet, Pennsylvania. Richard Gee, Michigan.

Aaron Collins, California. Now, these are monthly supporters. Jason M. Hughes, Larry Reno, Robert J. DeLuga, Tom Sheridan, Somebody, Evan K., Amika Obaika. Got to be a black chick. God bless you. Joshua Terry. Those are monthly supporters. thank you guys so much

you're the lifeblood of the show, especially now Christ, I don't know what comics are doing that don't have a show you know what I mean, glad I kept at this, I'll tell you, I put in some hard work a few years ago

now I can get toilet paper and fresh fruit. Thank you guys, seriously, very much. Hey, you know who came back to speak on Corona? Real quickly, this will be the last one of the day, I shall say. One of my favorite musicians of all time. I'll tell you, this gal can really let it rip. Back in 1978. I'll tell you, this gal can really let it rip.

Back in 1978. Madonna calls coronavirus the great equalizer in a bizarre bathtub video. I think we have her in the bathtub. Don't we have Madonna the mother? There you go. I want one of those. I want one of those. Am I on the wrong fucking page?

The hell I do. Anyways, naked in a milky bathtub of floating rose petals, Madonna has declared coronavirus the great equalizer in a bizarre video which blasted was blasted as privileged by many of her diehard fans why fucking don't make me defend madonna okay because she lost her mind a long time ago um and i i really did it look i was in the dance clubs in 1970s 80s and shit you know like a virgin i was fucking banging that shit out. Spinning, splitting, getting no pussy whatsoever. Because if you're a guy

and you can dance good, they go, he's a fag. We're not gonna fuck him. The 61-year-old material girl preaches to her fans from her tub, surrounded by candles, wearing nothing but jewelry to background of ominous instrumental music, how the pandemic doesn't care how rich and famous you are. And here is Madonna in her.

That's the thing about COVID-19. It doesn't care about how rich you are, how famous you are. Pause, pause. When did she turn into a 22 year old Asian girl? She's Asian now. She's love and see all that stuff floating in the water that came out of her ass as soon as she got in there.

She slept with the Detroit Pistons like on Tuesday night. I don't know what those are. I like how she's, you're Madonna, show us your tits for Christ's sake. What are you being all coy for? I guess she put her tits up and covered them with rose petal. But look at her hand. She's got the hand of a 70-year- old mechanic. Look at that big white middle finger. Jesus

H. Go ahead. Let her talk. How funny you are. She's the great equalizer. And what's terrible about it is what's great about it. What's terrible about it is that it's made us all equal in many ways. And what's wonderful about it is that it's made us all equal in many ways. Like I used to say at the end of human nature, I mean, we're all in the same boat. And if the ship goes down, we're all going down together. Yeah, you're going down together. We're all going down on you together. We're all going to together. Yeah, you're going down together. We're all going down on you together. We're all going to hide in your giant vag. It's like a fucking bomb shelter.

After having fucking three straight years of the NBA West enter it. Who's dyeing your hair, by the way? Holy H. Look at her. What happened? Would you ever know that was an Italian girl from Brooklyn or wherever she grew up? Huh? Raz.

Looks like her own stunt double. Yes. That's exactly right. I'd still jump in there, though. I'd jump in a tub and wash her back. Like a dirty hoe. Fucked for the 51st time. Like a bird.

All right. That is it today, folks. And don't forget the face of the coronavirus. I know this bothers MSNBC. It's a China virus. Don't forget it. Might as well come

to the side of broccoli. Remember, again, nickdip.com if you want to make a contribution to the show which keeps us alive and uh if you want to sponsor be a sponsor on the show go to nickdip.com i forget when you click on contact whatever uh we would love to if you have a business we'd love to promote it on this show uh cameo.com. I got a couple of those waiting for me. Go to Cameo.com. If you want me to send a personal video message, I'll make it on my phone.

Roasting one of your friends or relatives. Saying happy birthday to Grammy. Whatever you want. I can make or break the day. It's more fun to break it. But Cameo.com and you can tell me a little bit about the person and I'll rip them another one. I believe that's it. Am I forgetting anything?

That is it for the day, folks. I can't thank you guys enough for the support. A ton of support came in over the weekend and that's how we keep this thing going. Stay safe, but I think we're going to be good. The Nobel Laureate guy. An old crusty white dude with glasses. I trust that motherfucker.

Remember, you guys think it, I'll say it. You're very welcome. We'll see you back here tomorrow have a good day everybody guitar solo guitar solo