The Nick DiPaolo Show - Putin Ends START Treaty | Nick Di Paolo Show #1359

Episode Date: February 23, 2023

Putin Ends Treaty, Accuses US. Gen Z Flocking to Plastic Surgery. Dick Van Dyke, 97 And Going.

🎵 Thank you. Listen, folks, you hear that? That's right. It's the sounds of the cities. Yeah. Garden City, to be specific. Smells like anything but. They could have named this literally Sewerage City City and it would have been right on the nose. Something about this town. It's a mixture of decaying bodies, probably what they're smelling in Palestine, Ohio.

Chemicals and dead squirrel meat sitting in the sun. Anyways, how are you? It's Thursday, as they say. Me and Dale are trying to think of something as far as do another episode of The Bitch in Kitchen. What do you guys suggest? Make it easy. Pancakes?

Okay. Is that what you said? You know what? I don't even make pancakes. It would probably be hilarious. How about a brajol? Is that Italian enough for you? Stuffed peppers. I just had them. Very good. Very good. Or I could get all fancy and get a rabbit.

I got a recipe for Tuscan rabbit. Sounds right up your alley, right, Dale? Yeah, with the prosciutto and stuff. I'm telling you, folks, when you get old, it's true. Like Rodney Dangerfield, food replaces sex completely. I got to put a mirror in over my kitchen table. He would be your favorite comic ever. I'll tell ya, I got a very ugly daughter. She married a very ugly guy. Today I got two very ugly kids. In fact,

they're all so ugly in the family album, they only keep the negatives. My wife can't cook. We pray after we eat. Can't get a better joke than that. You know, last summer the flies chipped in to fix the screen door. I'll tell you. Anyways, how are you, folks? Let me cough one more time. This better clear the fuck up.

I'm not one to run to doctors. Yeah, I had a physical. I had to do that reluctantly. And sure, I got a hernia and my fucking teeth are falling out. And this is what happens when you take care of yourself. I almost get pissed when I see Keith Richards

still alive and go, I could have done that? Well, I don't mean play guitar, but I could have fucking licked strange ass every night and done heroin. And look like I'm 198, but still, guy's having fun. I'm doing protein powder. He's shooting fucking heroin to his

cock head. Let's move on with it. What time did the goddamn show start? I don't know. Two, whatever. Here we go. I don't want to do this no more. I can't. Anyways, people are signing up more. Now they'll get a little marketing. Not as much as I'd like, I got to be honest. But I'll put more content out there. What am I, a 14-year-old girl on TikTok? The fuck you want out of me? I'm going to do a fucking OnlyFans thing and just lay around in my underwear. Instead of being like beautiful women laying around and shit, I'll be

laying there with a greasy slice of pizza on my chest, burping, farting. Scratching your belly. Scratching my belly. Let's get on with it. What's the first story? I don't even know. What's it called? Any idea? Putin is pissed. What's new? Can't believe he's still alive. You know, Russia is suspending its participation in the New START, Nuclearproliferation agreement. I used to laugh at these agreements. Do you really think the United States is going to get an agreement with another country like Russia or China or fucking Iran? And they're going to go, you know what?

We're not going to make any more. We got enough weapons. As long as you agree not to make them. it's basically what they're saying, right? We won't make any more either. Really? Really? You're going to trust these people? China that makes fucking patio furnaces that breaks in a week? Come on. Anyways, yeah, new start, nuclear non-proliferation agreement. I'll tell you what it is in a second. An ominous development as Russia faces heavy losses in its war with Ukraine. Well, it depends who you believe. I hear that one day, then I hear that kick and ask the next.

You know, to keep us off balance. They wouldn't want us to know the truth. I don't know what's true. Bye-bye. So they're saying bye-bye to the New START proliferation agreement. And like I said, I'm not trying to back Putin, but I'd be a little furious. You can look at it this way. Anytime the Dems are all gung-ho for something, question it. And not just, I shouldn't say just Dems. Neocons, neocons, neoconservatives love war.

It makes them money. You know, Raytheon and all these places, Honeywell, they make fuck and they get contracts with the government. They make billions upon billions, okay? But you don't do that. I was talking to Dallas before the show. You don't piss this guy off so he runs into the arms of China, your real big geopolitical foe, and now you got fucking China and Russia together?

That's a lot of weapons. That's a lot of people. That's a lot of fucking planet they're going to own. And again, I'll say it again, it's not even Biden. It's probably AOC right in the foreign policy. Seriously, who's handling them? But the neocons are just as bad. Anyways, I look at them as dems.

Anyway, Russian Republic President Putin announced in a speech Tuesday that Russia will no longer cooperate with the terms of the nuclear treaty, the last remaining such agreement between Moscow and Washington. Putin blamed the U.S. Really? He didn't say it's our fault? The U.S. for a breakdown in relations with the United States.

Here he is talking about it. Comrade, here is something that might be of interest to you. It's your fault. The script of the conversation between your helicopter pilot and his commander. We intercept Dragonfly

Wolf 10. Colorful names. The elves get so happy. It's like playing a song for a little kid. He starts jumping around. Putin also claimed that the United States government is working on developing nuclear weapons. Now this is where they, now they're putting, look, I don't trust our government either. So maybe I'm wrong. Putin's saying that we're developing nuclear weapons, but they've been known to fucking lie big time.

And is considering restart, I know it's not true because I visited the plant in Pennsylvania. I didn't see shit. Is considering restarting nuclear testing, which is not true, according to our media. Who knows? You know, they have balloons and shit looking down at us, too. In this situation, Russia's state nuclear corporation and the defense ministry must ensure readiness. For Russian nuclear weapons tests. We naturally won't

be the first to do it. Blame the US, it's one of those proactive. But if the US conducts tests we will also do it. No one should have dangerous illusions that the global strategic parity could be destroyed. Translator? That almost sounds positive. I must be reading it wrong. Here's Putin seeing seasick as he holds on to a desk at a Kia. The New START treaty signed in 2010 by that guy, the first black pro what the fuck was that homo's name he wore his mother-in-law's jeans and rode a bike with a helmet the fuck was that pussy oh barack obama um is remember you remember barack obama don't you um i do anyways in russian anyways and Russian President Dmitry Medved

limits each country to no more than 1,550 deployed nuclear warheads I think that's enough to take out Denver again, nuclear warheads and 700 deployed missiles and bombers the agreement envisages sweeping on-site inspections to verify compliance.

Just days before the treaty was due to expire in February of 2021, Russia and the United States agreed, again, this is under Obama, to extend it for another five years. Now, we've got a clip of Obama right here. Do you guys remember this? Not a clip, I'm sorry, a still photo. This was, he was over in Russia and he said, he was on a hot mic, I believe it was in Russia, and he said to Medved there, he said, you know, he thought he was whispering off, he didn't know he was on a hot mic. He said, basically, tell the president I'll have more flexibility after the election. Remember that? They caught him on a hot mic saying that, but nobody in the media gave a shit. Imagine Trump. In response, Secretary of State Antony Blinken condemned Putin's decision as deeply unfortunate. You're unfortunate. You look like a goddamn sears model and irresponsible and promised

the u.s government would be watching carefully to see what russia actually does well that's some tough talk i'll tell you don't you ever try to fuck me that way he say so again who do you fucking believe? Right? I don't know. How about stuffed filet mignon? You stuff it with blue cheese. I saw Emeril Gassi do that 20 years ago. But how is that bad?

Other than clogging your ass pipe for the next decade. I don't give a fuck either. That's right, Dallas. What's the sense of being alive if you're going to fucking eat Jenny Craig meals? I say clog that pipe until it backs up and you're throwing up blood. Yeah, you take a filet mignon,

you slice it, and you put a chunk of blue cheese in there, and then you tie it up so it doesn't leak out while it's cooking. That's what I call a fancy hamburger, a cheeseburger. You know? Maybe I'll do that. What the fuck else is in my arsenal? I got a beef stew recipe, but it's too warm for beef stew.

Remember, we're down south, folks. It's kicking up into the 200s tonight. Let's move on. Plastic people. That's the name of the story. Plastic people. Must have taken place in Hollywood. Life's fantastic when you're

plastic. Why is that in there? I thought I'd fucking cut that. As celebrities scramble for doses of weight loss aid, Ozempic, oh, oh, oh, Ozempic. That's what they use, that song from the 70s. I was actually asking my doctor about this. Of course, my hack doctor.

Well, I could only get this kind. It goes for $1,100 an ounce. I said, I'll go fat, thank you. Everybody else is getting this shit. Like they're grabbing it off a shelf. Oh, Zepic, it's for diabetes. But one of the side effects is it, like, kills your appetite. You feel full all day or something.

My wife's friend, 22 pounds in less than three weeks. I'd like to drop a few. I'm not fat. I'm more muscular. I admit it. But I don't want to be this stocky. And you know what's funny? The only time people tell me I look like I've lost weight is when I don't lift weights.

It's atrophy. So I'm actually less healthy, but I am lighter for the wrong reasons because, as you know, muscle is more dense. Anyways, Ozepic, people look up. Generation Z is booking cosmetic procedures more now than ever. In fact, 75% of plastic surgeons saw a spike in clients under 30, according to data released last week by the American Academy of Plastic Titties, of facial plastic and reconstructive surgery,

which is consistently higher plateau over the five previous years. Well, that makes sense. Are you interested in the real story? Well, I can see the real story without even reading on further. Gen Z is the most narcissistic generation in the history of the world, maybe except for the one before it. They live with their face in the mirror and their phone taking pictures of themselves. That's all they know.

And how many stories have we read about these beautiful women influencers? In the last month, they must have read, huh? Dying, committing suicide. They're empty inside. They're empty. They don't have a purpose in life other than to go, look, I got 500 clicks. And that was predictable.

Very predictable. So this shouldn't be a surprise that they run into plastic surgeons. And then young girls see everybody looks beautiful. Even the pigs know how to. Even Lena Dunham almost had us fooled. If you took three hits of acid, she'd look kind of cute. But, so that doesn't surprise me. What did, Dennis Miller had the best quote about this younger generation, something about, never has a generation done less and been more chronicled, or something like that. And again, I don't got folks, kids,

I understand. It's a fucked up world, but you got to have a purpose other than looking at yourself and go, look at my tits. And I mean, Dallas, how many times we had this conversation? Every girl, especially TikTok, any girl that's above a six and knows she's cute or has a nice rack comes up with an excuse to go on TikTok. They'll pretend, I want to show you what happened to me when I came home from the supermarket. And meanwhile, she's taking groceries out of a bag and she's in a bikini. Do you see what I'm saying? And I understand you're a young woman, you want to be seen and shit, but do it the old fashioned way. Go to a nightclub, that guy drug you up. What's the matter with you people? Get out of the mirror. What's the matter with you people?

Anyways, board-certified plastic surgeon Nicholas DiPaolo. Dr. Ashley Malfi said she's seen an uptick in young clientele at the Quartala Center for Plastic Surgery in Rochester, New York. She's cute. Then again, how real is she? Oh, I don't give a fuck. No, I don't give a shit.

She's adorable. I'd pretend I was knocked out, then I'd grab her snatch. Why? Because I'm famous. You heard Trump. You can do it. They let you do it. I'm famous.

I don't want a doctor who looks like she's going through cancer with that bandana on. Anyways, this is her, Rochester, New York, and now about one-third of her patients are Gen Z. Seriously, man, this is supposed to be for older women, remember? By the way, Botox is actually botulism. I used to have a whole bit about Farrah Fawcett in the bathroom with a needle and an expired can of mushroom soup. It was so funny. I can't even remember my shit. I got to go back to writing that. I really see, this is the doctor talking, I really see that as a sort of this extension of the beauty market. Really? You don't see it that they're this narcissistic generation who it's this so, they're so superficial. That's all their looks, their life revolves around looks like me when I was younger. But we didn't have doctors like you. I had to do the surgery myself with my dad.

He knew how to weld. He got rid of my crow's feet put some flux on my taint what flock do you remember that flock Stella no you didn't learn to weld and we learned that metal shop we learned to fuck and he you put flux on it it's like this white paste I don't even know what it was for tasted delicious anyways the beauty my a mouth told them, calling the trend great. Well, of course, you're fucking buying a new boat this summer.

So what if an 11-year-old girl has fake tits? They are a population in general who's just taking really good care of themselves. Well, that's part of it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. See, she doesn't even get it.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, taking good care of themselves to the point where they open a OnlyFans page and then hang themselves on a red roof bed a year from now. The most common request at Amalfi's office from 20-somethings are breast lifts at 20. I've had a lot of 20-something tits in my mouth, folks, not to brag. None of them needed to be touched. They're perky. Some of them are just perfect, like heavy bags, fun bags.

You chew on them. You don't have to worry about saline pouring into your eyes. Girls, there's nothing wrong with you. Take it from Uncle Nick, like they're watching this show. But breast lifts in your 20s, breast augmentations, and Botox injections, which she said is merely preventative. What the fuck does that even mean? Of course you do.

Look at this girl. What is she having done? Huh? Yeah. Does she she having done? Huh? Yeah. Does she need Botox? What she needs is somebody wiping my creamsicle off her forehead. What the fuck? Nick, grow up.

They're taking the time and investing in themselves and doing these sort of things at a younger age, she explained. Even the doctor doesn't see. And she's making a ton of money, whatever. Good for you, you stupid pretty lady. While the popularity of the boob job has never really waned, thanks to guys, Amalfi said women are booking the procedure at a much younger age. Well, shouldn't you kind of give them a little advice? You know what I mean? a little advice? You know what I mean? And where are the young guys getting bigger schlongs?

Huh? I had to do my own in the garage when I was like 28. Wasn't that painful? Holy Christ. Two things of Gorilla Glue. What the fuck? Two things of some penny nails, and I can't remember. It was like a popsicle stick or something.

Gave me an extra girth. While plastic surgery is typically an afterthought later in life, Amalfi tells Gen Z clientele that cosmetic procedures are absolutely safe. It's not the point. Look, as she stands in a house that looks like Yellowstone behind her. Even at their age, it ensures they will age gracefully. Yeah, you look real graceful when you're in a nursing home and your fucking tits are standing up like you're 20.

That's a good look when you're in the casket and your great-grandchildren and great-grandsons are grabbing your titties in the open casket. Come on, doctor. Come on, doctor. We never really have a magic ball as to how exactly someone is going to age because there's going to be so many changes in their life, she said. The reality is it's not causing any harm.

Wow. She sounds like one of them. I get it. You're making good money. I don't know, folks. I don't know. We are lucky as men, though. We do look a little, you know, women, you know. I'm not going to say it. It's not fair. I agree. But in Hollywood, it is fair. I don't want to look at,

you know, I still bang Helen Mirren. Is that her name? Huh? She's hot. She's hot for an old lady. But what you don't realize is every time you see her,

if it's a still photo, it's been blown. And if it's on film, they put a fucking what they call a, what do you call that lens? All the newscasters use it at far. What the fuck do they call it? Come on, you're a director. What the hell is that lens? I don't use that lens, so I don't know.

Yeah. Oh, you're going to start. I forget. But anyways, they look way different. But Helen Maron is still a good looking old lady. Hey, hey, whatever. What, she doesn't deserve real love?

I'll show her a good time. I'll take her out. We'll go dancing, then I'll take her to the IHOP at midnight. Jam a grand slant, whatever. That's a different place. I'll pour boysenberry all over that 80-year-old ass, go to town. This is a great segue into our final, that's right, what is it?

Very old Dick is the headline. What does that mean? Well, you know, you've been to the showers, haven't you? At the fitness center. Dick Van Dyke, who my wife has been in love with since she was a little kid. I actually had to buy a Dick Van Dyke mask and put it on the other night when we were having

sex. I came in completely naked. I had the Dick Van Dyke and I tripped over the hassock. You know how he did that? I do a somersault. You can see my ass wide open. It's very gross. Anyway, Dick Van Dyke is set to celebrate. Get this, folks.

Buckle up. His 98th birthday later this year. He won. He's playing with house money. Well, you have been. When you hit, look. And this is what we call an outlier. Most people don't look like this, aren't this healthy at this age.

And we've all seen it. Come on. You've had grandparents. I don't know that I want to go past 85 or whatever. Because then, you know, the first time somebody has to wipe my ass, I'm putting a gun in my mouth. Imagine. Anyways, Dick Van Dyke, celebrate his 98th birthday.

My wife's got a picture. She's got in her beautiful office that she made by herself. But she had a picture of, and these people are all alive when she put, she sends away for headshots. She had Betty White, Jack Klugman. I forget who else you know they sign him oh fucking Eb from Green Acres I don't even know if he's alive

anyway and Dick Van Dyke's like the last one that's alive every time one of them die I would go in and I'd throw a softball and knock the picture off the show so Dick Van Dyke's left up in the corner. She is really going to, I can't wait until he passes and I get to like ruin her day. You know what I do? Like, you know, I'll pretend in the morning I'll just take his picture

and put a big X on it. Just put it in the bathroom when she opens her. He's gone. And nothing we can do about it dick vandyke is set to be 30 uh 38 98 later this year and the hollywood veteran shows no signs of slowing down yeah that might be true but he sounds very tired listen you say you're a little tired this morning is that right i am I am tired. She is very tired. That's actually, I've heard, your favorite activity to do at the center here is to take a little nap.

Take a nap as many times as I can. The Mary Poppins legend who recently wowed crowds with a live performance on The Masked Singer. Are you shitting me? I don't want to get off the couch to go to fucking Arkansas. Spoke out about defying the aging process. He says the key is to rub bacon grease on your taint twice a day. Oh, for the love of God, Dick. In an interview with Yahoo, saying there are four things that help him maintain his youthful vigor.

A very good bowel movement in the morning. You say you're a little tired this morning. Is that right? I am tired. I guess. No, I added that one, folks. He didn't say that. Van Dyke is first credited his good genes for the fact that he feels fabulous at the age of 97, of course. Secondly, that's a key one, by the way. Secondly, the actor said that his 51-year-old wife, I'll repeat that, 47 years his junior. He's already my hero Arlene Silver yes

she's not in for the money is she look at the rack on Arlene oh my god you'll break his chest look at those bags of cheese Arlene Silver was instrumental in helping him feel young I guess the fuck he's a little no no no no bullshit no, no. And a little piece of trash. No bullshit. She's a good lady. She's in it for the love. Have a beautiful young wife half my age to take care of me helps the actor Gus over his spouse of 11 years.

And she said, Give me the money. Give me the fucking money. You hear me? You hear me? I said come here and bust my body. Give me the fucking money. Dallas you got to give this one to What's his name circle it please let them pick

Meanwhile Van Dyke Added that a positive attitude. Oh, shut up I have a whole bit about this too. I can't remember but it's so goddamn funny about a positive attitude They always say that but then they did a study I remember this this was the premise of my joke and the people people who are dying a can the people Who had a positive attitude lived no longer than the people who had a negative attitude? I can't remember the rest of the joke. It was so funny. Check out my albums. Added that it was key to keeping healthy, stating, I get that from my wife. Now, you get giant areolas from your wife. Lastly, I like how they start referring

to people in a story by their movies. Lastly, the chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I am fucking stupid. It's like almost an insult. They reduce you to a fuck in your career. Lastly, the Comedy Central star. Lastly, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, which I saw the porn version at a hotel. It called shitty shitty bang bang and it was just german poop being thrown everywhere do you know i saw chitty chitty bang bang in the theater my uncle ernie took me and my brothers and can you imagine

i saw that i was probably six or seven and he's still alive? Still alive, chewing on them giant bags of fun? Anyways, the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Star said exercise was important. Fuck that. I've been doing it since I was 13. I'm 61. What's that, 48 years? Enough already. Exercise was important for people of all ages, but particularly for those in their older years. Exercise was important for people of all ages, but particularly for those in their older years. He said, I wrote a book called Keep Moving. So did my parents when I came home from college. Now, this was Dick, to give you an idea how old he is.

This is when he was 68. So look at him. He's not 98 there, I don't think, but it's damn close. That is, no, you know what? It really is amazing. I still go to the gym three days a week, and people get pissed because it takes me 19 hours to get off the fucking ab cruncher. He works out three days a week. I advise everybody, shut it, Dick, to do that because that's what ages people.

It's just a stiffening up and not exercising their muscles and their lungs. That's why I'm joining the opera. Exercise is the answer. Last year, the actor was photographed looking fit and fabulous as he left his local gym in California. Working out at 90 fucking 8? That's a little ridiculous. It's just so ridiculous. Back in 2019, he told Closer, I've always been an exerciser and still am.

I get in the pool and exercise. Twice people have jumped in thinking I was dead and pulled me up and gave me mouth to ass. At my age, they say to keep moving. Put me on solid ground and I'll start tapping. The fuck does that even mean?

Tap dancing, he means. Van Dyke revealed he does water aerobics, lifts weights, and walks on a treadmill. I'm not getting in the pool after he's been in there. That leaky bladder. Come on, everybody. So my wife, Andrea, is going to be very, very sad when Dick goes. He's the last one up there.

I think Eb is dead. I'm pretty sure. I think the Mr. Haney killed him with a pitchfork. You'd love that show, Dallas. Green Acres? As a kid, I hated it. Same with the Beverly Hillbillies. When you get older, you fucking laugh your balls off.

What it is, like Green Acres is just vaudeville. They got that bad scenery behind them, and Eddie Arnold is just doing the straight man, and Zsa Zsa Gabor, whichever one, is doing the punchlines. It's fucking hilarious. And Beverly Hills, the shit's really funny. Guys, you should know how to write a joke. Anyhow, good for you, Dick Van Dyke. Who do you think's really funny. Guys, you should know how to write a joke. Anyhow, good for you, Dick Van Dyke.

Who do you think's going to go first, folks? It's a race between him and Jimmy Carter. I guess Carter. Also, Clint Eastwood. He's 92. He's coming here to direct another movie. I know! I know! I know! Can you...

Folks, now that I can really appreciate it as you get older, 92 and you want to still be working. And they must know because the minute you stop, you die. It really is true. Remember Joe Paterno right after? All that scandal probably didn't help him. But then he retired.

Bang. Bear Bryant went about two weeks after he quit. People that live for what they do, especially. Me, I'm a lazy fuck. I think I can quit now. I'll pass dick. Anyhow, Jimmy Carter, though, I think we'll see him maybe by the weekend. When you go into the hospice, it's not one of those, he's still kicking.

No. Like I said, he checked in with nothing, no luggage. And they're like, where'd you stay? He goes, what are you fucking kidding me? Put me in a gown. I'm going. Anyways. All right.

That's it, folks. Thank you guys very much again for a great week of shows. And don't forget Cameo.com. I got to do thank yous too, right? Before we go, let's do the thank yous right now. Thank you to all the new patrons that sign up at Patreon to support the show. The show is free for anyone to watch there. But when you join one of our subscriber tiers, you get exclusive extra daily content,

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