The Nick DiPaolo Show - Racist-In-Chief | Nick Di Paolo Show #1395

Episode Date: May 9, 2023

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about our racist president, Tucker leaks and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://NickDiPaoloShow.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 Good morning, my neighbors! Hey, fuck you! What? What kind of talk is that? This is supposed to be the South. Hi, folks. How you is? Welcome to the show.

What in Christ creation going on? What a beautiful couple days, huh? Dry, breezy, and whatnot. Have you seen my house with the new lawn? Listen, I sound like I'm 70. Have you seen the new lawn? And I got an ironing board. You haven't seen the sod, right?

Dude, we had that jasmine, I guess they call it, which is a hooker I banged in eighth grade. That's what was there. And I never liked it. It looks like an overgrown lawn. I know it's a southern, but I didn't like it. Sure enough, we put that fucker up. People are stopping taking pictures.

People from Lawn Weekly. I just made that publication. But the house, the fucking, we used to have shrubs from the people we bought the house from. We're covering about, I'd say about eight feet of the house. It looks like a fucking...

Ah! Can't wait to cut it. Eight seconds. I used to be up in fucking Westchester with an acre and a half on my lawn. Fucking hills like this. I told you I had the headset. I think I told you I had the headset on. It was kind of wet, the grass.

And I tried to make a U-turn on the slant. And the fucker just started rolling. There's a brook at the bottom. I got Pavarotti playing in my ears as I'm heading towards rocks and a brook. It was fucking seen out of a Steve Martin movie. I used to have to call my neighbor. He had a golf cart to come pull me out of my own pond a couple times. But he said the guy who owned the house did it a couple times.

I said, all right, I'm not an asshole. But now, electric mower, it weighs eight pounds, one hand. 22 minutes. That's right, folks. I'm talking about lawn care. Next, I'll give you

some egg salad recipes and how to use a spatula. Yummy. Yummy. Dallas likes that. You know what I'm saying? Furthermore, you can all go fuck yourselves.

Ah, no need to say that much. I don't know what my medication, I take a bunch of shit. Not, you can all go fuck yourselves. Ah, no need to say that much. I don't know what my medication... I take a bunch of shit. Not, you know, typical 60-year-old guy shit. Lipitor. With a touch of fentanyl and NyQuil mixed with Robitussin. And whatever. I used to never dream.

I am having these dreams that are just fucking... And they're all anxiety-based. Every single one of them, a shrink would have a field day with it. Last night, I'm on a motorcycle. I think it was a motorcycle. Way too big for me. And it's like my first time on a motorcycle, apparently. I mean, like a bike that's way too, like a little girl

trying to drive a fucking 750 or whatever. And the whole night, this is what I'm dreaming of, pulling up and people laughing at me. The whole dream was a series of red lights and me tipping over.

Can you explain? What the fuck? What is that? It's a metaphor for your life. Well, thanks Freud you really dug deep on that one um no you're right it's anxiety based um it's always like that I'm always lost in a high school I used to go to and it's empty and I get you know I'm late for wood class whatever the fuck it's all that and And that's, again, anxiety. It's never me cornholing Pam Anderson. Instead of having a milkshake. Reminds me of Bobby Slayton, who

was one of the greatest comics ever, in my opinion. Talking about fantasies. And his wife's like, do you ever fantasize? You're always fantasizing sex fantasies. Am I ever in yours? Yeah, I had one you were in last night. I came home. Pam Anderson made me a cheeseburger and blew me and you were floating face down in the pool. Ah, come on. That was funny before you twats took over. Anyways, let's get on with the show, shall we?

Joe Biden, again, we will miss him for, no, we won't. I hope he fucking falls asleep in the pool. The low end. Anyways, he's a racist. I've said this a million times. Everything they accuse Trump of being, this guy is times 10. Even when he says supposedly accidental racist shit, it comes from a place of, well, again, he was friends with a Klan.

Remember, he worked with segregationists. Anyways, racist in chief. President Biden made a happy occasion, as the butter would say, awkward Monday night after telling a White House guest to hush up during an event marking

the Islamic holiday Eid. How do you say that? You probably spent time over there. Eid al-Fitr. Al-Fitr? Fitr. Yeah, Eid al-Fitr. I tried Eid al-Fitr. Listen, what?

There he is, having no idea what Eid al-Fitr is. What are we doing? Nothing. What's going on right now? You're making an ass of yourself. Anyways, during the lively reception, commemorating the end of Ramadan, which I usually do by killing a cat. There you go. Some impressions for you.

Good show. Biden teased the audience with what he promised would be the quickest speech I ever made in my life ahead of scheduled 6 p.m. prayers. But when an unidentified audience member continued to talk over him, this is what, I love it, it shows his ego. The president's mood turned. And you know why his mood's always turning? And I'm not kidding you. That's a sign of like Alzheimer's. That's one of the big fucking markers that you, they get nasty quick. And I couldn't tell my dad cause he was nasty his whole life. But anyways, watch his dander get up because some guy tried to talk over him. Good. Hey judge, how are you? I don't know why you wanted the job, man.

Now, that's funny. You should have left it at that. I appoint all those federal judges, but, you know, thank you for serving. I'm not kidding. You want to come and make a speech? See? Don't like it. Hush up, boy.

As my mother would say. As she was blowing two NBA players at once. Hush up, boy. To a, you know, an Islamic guy that's celebrating, you know, the end of Ramadan. If they let him, you know, this is what Biden wanted to say. That's what's inside his little mental head.

The flashpoint came after the attendee had called out to Biden. We also have the first federal judge, Muslim federal judge, the only one after the president failed to recognize the jurist earlier in his remarks. He forgot he was even there. The president's cheeky comeback drew laughs from the audience, but the exchange comes just a few months after Biden sparked another controversy by referring to Maryland's first black governor, Wes Moore, as boy in a speech. Can you imagine if Trump did this? If Trump did what he's about to do, do you understand? Or what he just did?

Do you understand it will be on a loop on fucking MSNBC and everywhere else? Chuck Todd, you maggot. But this is Wes Moore. And Dinkweed here is going to drop a... Look, I think it's silly that that's even an issue anymore. You know what I'm saying? You can't... You're on a baseball team.

You can't go... You know, somebody hits a homerun. Atta boy. I've heard players say that to a boy. You know, we should be past that. But black people, if you don't want to let it go, that's fine. But that's how, that's why the tension stays there. Okay, the last white guy to call a black guy boy and mean it to hurt him was fucking 1940.

Anyways, check out, check out Idiot and his racist tendencies. You got a hell of a new governor in Westmore, I tell you. Yeah, suck that ass. He's the real deal, and the boy looks like he can still play. He's got some guns on him. You hear the tension go up tenfold? You know what I mean? We've got to let it go.

But I'm just saying, when he makes a mistake and it's racial, it's coming from a different spot. Have you ever heard Trump say anything like that? If he did, you'd have it on a frigging loop, like I said, right? Even the audio. They don't have him saying that when he's a businessman working with construction. I don't know.

Anyways, guys, in the second half of the show, I'll be talking about a white guy body-slamming a black chick shoplifting. I watch it like the Sapruta film. And Elon Musk

says no to the pedophiles. It's exclusively on Mug Club. So join now to get it at nickdopalo.com. You'll be glad you did. Tucker, my boy Tucker, back in the news, some guy wrote, who was it, Nolte? John Nolte of Breitbart? I think that's his name. It sure ain't Nick, is it? He, uh, Nick knows. I love Tucker Garrelson. Don't tell me. What are you looking at, watermelon? Um, yeah, he wrote a piece about why, because there's a woman, and it's not the one who's suing Fox. Uh, it was one of Tucker's producers. It's not her. It's another woman that hated Tucker at Fox.

I think she had an Italian name, actually. And rumor has it, or the theory is, she's leaking these behind-the-scenes clips of Tucker to Media Matters. If you don't know who they are, they're a far-left media group whose sole job is to monitor Fox News around the clock. And anybody else that's speaking, like I speak. They came after me when I had a New York radio show my first week. I don't even remember what I said.

I don't even remember. Something to do with, I don't know, naughty stuff. I have no idea. I'll look it up, though. But anyways, so yeah, the rumor is that she's following this crap, because how else would they be getting this? And I asked the question, Tucker, are these leaks real? One of them looks like a deep fake. More leaks coming out of Fox News to the far left media matters prove Tucker Carlson is what? Awesome. That's the guy Breitbart said, which I've always agreed with. He was the best guy around. Since Fox, I can't, again, I laugh when I hear the left calling him a misogynist. You know,

he's got a wife and kid, whatever. And you know why? He reeks of frat boy, even at his age. And yeah, his family, he comes from money. And that's the same reason they hate Trump. White, Christian, money. Just a fucking devil in their eyes. I think he's brilliant. I love the fact he didn't go to Yale or Harvard or any of those shitholes.

Since Fox News took Carlson off the air last week, he's still officially employed, by the way. The hit squad at Media Matters has enjoyed all kinds of leaks from Fox. Could it be that Fox is once again betraying its viewers? Instead of calling Arizona early, is Fox doing business with Media Matters? Well, after learning Donald Trump is betraying his followers by doing business with CNN, everything... I don't know what I... Is he? What's he doing? I didn't bother Googling it, because what am I, a real show?

Anyways, doing business with CNN, everything feels possible, Mr. Nolte said. I am your voice. He sure in hell is. Media Mad has released the first set of videos on Monday, proving Carlson is awesome. Well, we talked about him using a C word, which makes me want to fucking date him. What? I'm just saying, he's a regular guy and real smart. And what was

I about to say? It was some other good point I had. Anyways, I'm retarded. He's been on, there's three clips that were leaked. I only took one because the other ones were so innocuous. He's like fixing his hair before the show or whatever. And, and said something like, fixing his hair before the show or whatever, and said something like, if my hair doesn't look good, my post-menopausal fans will let me know. In other words, all the women.

Which is like, that's just self-deprecating. Really? That's what you got on him? And the other one, he said some girlfriend, somebody's girlfriend was yummy or something. Anyways, I'm showing you the funniest one. He's seen on video railing against how awful Fox Nation site is. His own company site. Something many people agree with. I wouldn't know. I don't subscribe to Fox Nation because Fox News sucks. This site sucks, Carlson says, of his employer's website, as though speaking the truth about your employer will be seen by Tucker's following as disqualifying,

which it won't. It'll be just the opposite, right? No, no, Tucker. That's all he was saying. By the way, I'm making the jump, I think, to Newsmax. Except for Gutfeld. A new set of leaks came down on Tuesday, which are even better if you are a Tucker Carlson fan. Media Matter describes the video as creepy, in quotes, but I think anyone with even a tiny sense of humor, Nolte said, will disagree. In the first video, Carlson and the

off-camera Piers Morgan joke about doing an interview about his sexual technique. Trigger warning if you are one of America's dried up, uptight, joyless prudes. In other words, a white-libbed chick from the suburbs. Morgan says, it's just great to have you on my show. I mean, I've been on yours enough times. It's great, Carlson. I think it's totally cool. So let's, if we're going to talk about sex, I'd love to hit some of the fine points of the technique. But you know, it's your show. It's totally up to you.

Wow. Outrageous, Tucker. In the second league video, Carlson speaks to someone off camera and then describes someone's girlfriend, and again, oh, as yummy. Oh, so he likes women, too. How awful. Can you imagine? This is the dirt. This is the salacious shit.

Delicious. Yummy. Delicious. Thank you. Well aware, the anti-fun Nazi. Anti-fun. Very close to to antifa do you notice anti-fun nazis that media matters monitor everything including satellite feeds carlson addresses them directly this is the one um that a lot of people i don't know how clear our video see it's not that clear

but it's clear on the internet but i had the same reaction that a lot of people on the Internet had. It almost looks deep fake. Like, I mean, hit job 1980s cheap. It might not. I hope it's not. I'm hoping this is real. But it makes me like Tucker, not dislike him. Go ahead.

Hey, media matters for America. Go fuck yourself. That's the first thing I want to say to them. God, I'd kiss him right on the mouth. Do you understand you're doing him a favor when you release that? It's like Trump. What do you think, we like him because he talks like Chuck Schumer? Or because he talks like a fireman?

Put out the fire, that's all I got to do. I got a long hose. What? You heard me. Long hose. Very long. Very long. Oh, yeah, very long.

They say it might be the biggest hose in North America. How'd they say that? I don't know. Oh, I'm starting to get them. I'd say another three years. Anyways. Oh, I'm starting to get them. I'd say another three years. Anyways, I think if that's all you got, can you imagine having your life out there? It's got to be nasty.

Like I said, I don't have a chance. Not that I'm going into politics. I'm just saying. Jesus Christ. You could find stuff written down in my house that would get me five years. Nick, why were you taking notes watching the ID network when a guy put his wife

in a garage floor? Stop cutting up people and putting them in luggage. That sounds ridiculous. Could you fit... It's too much work. Bingo. Bingo.

Get a fucking... Do what everybody else does. Get a wood chipper. Soap up your wife or your fucking girlfriend or your boyfriend. You know who did that? This is ironic because we just had Joe List on the show. I don't know it. A guy named Joe List put his wife in a wood chipper in New Jersey. A guy named Joe List put his wife in a wood chipper in New Jersey.

Anyways, for those of you on Mug Club, stick around. Mug Club? Yeah, Nick. Mug Club. Stick around for the second half of the show. Everyone else go to nickdopaloshow.com. Join to get my full show and Crowder's full show and a lot more. And while you're there, folks, get tickets to see me live. Click on the tour button. May 12th, the Daytona Beach, Florida Ocean, Daytona Beach, Florida, Florida, Daytona

Ocean Beach front. It's something like that. Just Google DePaulo and Daytona Beach. And then Hyenas on the 19th and 20th. Look at my producer producing. 19th and 20th, Hyenas Comedy Club in Dallas, Texas. And July 14th and 15th, one of my favorite gigs. I think I put Alexandria on my list. Arlington Cinema and Draft House, Arlington, Virginia. July 14th and 15th. Hope to see you there, ladies andlington, Virginia, July 14 and 15.

Hope to see you there, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, cripples. guitar solo Outro Music