The Nick DiPaolo Show - Replay: Bill Burr | Nick Di Paolo Show #688a

Episode Date: April 7, 2022

While Nick's on the road, enjoy this replay with Bill Burr.

I'm gonna show the clip right now and then we're gonna bring Billy in on Skype but here's his uh here's a here is a no way this is me or Billy Burr it's me probably in 30 years Billy and maybe you know fucking 45 years watching the Patriots when shit went wrong here now jesus watch this oh my god they won oh my god oh my god oh oh my god oh my how do you lose like that oh my god how do you lose like that oh my god how do you lose like that? They won. We just lost. No, I mean I... No, it's playing the game. No time left.

Oh my god. Crampy, alright? How did that happen? A freak play. A crazy play. How could it happen? Watch this. How could it happen happen where the fuck are they are they gotta keep the other end of the goal line safe oh my god jesus christ you knew they were gonna do it

are you me look at this oh let's bring in Billy. Timing was perfect. Oh, God. Yeah, that's what I was doing. Pull him up on Skype, fellas. There you are. Look at Billy. How are you?

You look like a fucking pride. I need my stupid headphones to work here. Something that'll work. Let me see if these ones will work. Hold on a second. No, they work good. My headphones aren't working for me, though. It's about me, Nick. It's not about you here. Here we go.

It's about you. Billy's making $100,000 a minute, but it's about him. I'm doing a show for my house. You look like a drunk pilot on United right now. I feel like a drunk pilot how Billy how funny

first of all thanks for joining us man this is my my fans fucking love you because they know good stand up and how funny was that clip

I just showed is that not you us me and you in a few years no I was actually impressed that

he didn't lose it quicker he was just going oh my god oh my god. Oh my god. Then finally, the me came out and went, how the fuck are you going to have a fucking guy? I was like, alright, there you go.

How about the fucking woman is 102 with a walk and going, what happened? She's got 10 grand on the pants covering. What the fuck happened? No, dude, I got like 10 of my friends, I got a buddy of mine I was just talking to. He was like,

you know, we kicked that field goal. He goes, I went upstairs to wake my son up from a nap and he goes, I came back downstairs like a minute later and all the dolphins were jumping all over each other. He's just going like, how did we lose that? I actually knew because I taped the game so I knew something crazy happened. I didn't know what because one of taped the game, so I knew something crazy happened.

I didn't know what because one of my buddies texted me just how we drew it up. Sorry. So I was like, all right. So then I was expecting, like, a Hail Mary. When he threw it, like, 20 yards, I was like, how in God's name did they score on this play? I love after the lateral when that guy just started running

and all the pass was sort of running with him. Yeah. It was like an escort. It reminded me of when I used to watch, like, when Eric Dickerson, you'd watch his, like, when he was in high school, like his highlights. And you're like, why is everybody running with him? It's like, oh, they can't tackle him. Yeah.

Do you remember the game I'm talking about? I don't know if you're too young. When I was in my teens, it was the Dolphins and the Chargers. I'm thinking it's the game with remember Kellen Winslow? Kellen Winslow, yeah. Carried him off the field. Yes, because he was dehydrated and shit. Was that the lateral game or am I thinking of another? It was another game.

Was it? That was the hook and lateral and I actually thought that that won the game, but it didn't. That was overtime. You're right. Yeah, it was something like that. He went into overtime, and Kellen Winslow blocked the shot, and then people on the Dolphins were trying to say that years later

that he hammed it up for him. You know what I mean? Remember when Paul Pierce, I love Paul Pierce, remember when they wheeled him off literally in a wheelchair, and ten minutes later he came back. It's just like, oh my God, this guy beat paralysis. He's on a spine board, and he came back and said, oh my God, this guy beat paralysis. He's on a spine board and he comes back. Yeah, that would even have me questioning a bit. You know what he was trying to do, Paul Pierce there?

He was trying to pull a Willis Reed back in the 70s when Willis Reed went off in a Knicks game. It was the seventh game of a playoff game or whatever. Went off at halftime with a hammy and came back and he buried, you know. He only scored two points in the second half. Like I was saying, god damn it, why would you know that? Out of all the fucking guys I've interviewed. Because for years I thought he

came out and took over the game. He didn't. It was just his mere presence. You're right. Rappaport made this great documentary about when the garden was eaten. It was about the Knicks and it was this footage I've never seen anywhere other than in his documentary. Reed fought an entire team, and, like, he beat up a whole bench.

I mean, it was, like, crazy. It's just, like, 6'5", 6'6", guys just jumping out of the way or going flying because he hit them. And they cut back to Willis Reed, classic, like, real-deal tough guy. He just goes, it was a good fight. It's like, good fight. You beat up a professional basketball team. That reminds me of John Wensink challenging the whole,

was it the Minnesota North Stars? North Stars, yep. Remember he challenged a whole bench to a fight. The Bruins had this goon who they brought up after he bit a guy's ear off in junior hockey, by the way. My friend John Barberry in like fifth grade said, they got a guy who bit a guy's ear off. They're bringing him up and fuck, and next thing

you know, Winston comes up. And they challenged the whole Penguins bench after a brawl. Nobody would come off the bench. He was so crazy. He was. He was a lunatic. That was the generation of Bruins. I came right after that where a few of those guys were left over. Cashman, Stan Jonathan, Terry O'Reins. I came right after that where a few of those guys were left over. Cashman, Stan Jonathan, Terry O'Reilly.

I watched right after. I started watching in, like, 1980 when Bork still had the porn stash and was wearing Espo's number. Yeah. Yeah. Back then when they had the Crowders, both Crowders, Keith Crowder and somebody, and Bruce Crowder. Holy shit.

Norman. I'm that much older than you. Yeah, Norman, that was a fucking tragedy, man. Yes, it was. Hey, let me ask you a question. You're a dad, kind of a new, you have a two-year-old, which I can't picture you. I know you. You're a comic.

You've done bits about how irresponsible you are and fucking lazy like a comedian. What, has it changed you completely as an adult like I always hear? Two-year-old girl he has, by the way. Yeah. People like to lay it on pretty thick. Parents, it's this weird sort of competition to try to top each other's how much my life changed after I had a kid.

Mine changed in that I love my kid, and it's awesome being a dad and uh but but as far as like you know i don't look at like you know i you know the parent that i hated was the guy who was a complete knucklehead then he becomes a parent he starts wearing sweaters and he stops cursing and he tries to like whitewash his past it, dude, you were doing keg stands. You got arrested for drinking and driving. Yeah. So it's like, I understand that you got to, like, you know, you got to be an example to your kid.

But I think you also have to be, I mean, look, I'm only two years into the gig here. But, I mean, I feel like you have to be, like, honest with them and stuff like that. So it's been great. And, you know, and I just try to avoid most parents because a lot of them uh i don't know you know people love knowing things so like yeah so like if you have a two-year-old and their kid is like two years and three months you're going to get a dissertation from them on what to expect over the next 90 days and it's just like i just like tune it out you know because most it's like oh you wait no two's a great age but two years and three months you wait to see what's gonna it's like shut up it's like i always just i like if i can't get out of it i'll eventually i

just say like uh you know you sound like a terrible mother i'll say you sound like a terrible dad like no no no it's great it's great it's just then why are you just forecasting gloom and doom because i'm really enjoying the job and no no she she's awesome and and new dads today can't do that shit if they were knuckleheads a few years ago we have it all on social media but they're doing their cake stands and fucking snorting coke off strippers we have all fucking documented so i know i i love how also like you know what they did with kevin when they went back like eight years it's like who was the same person eight years ago and it's just like no frozen in time this thing and then then it's like so then what every time he gets like some gig like that they're just gonna keep bringing that up and then i was really

disappointed that other performers piled on right after he lost the gig, it's like they already, it's over. He's already laying there on the ground. So now you're going to come over and kick him a few times to get, what, a couple more Twitter followers? Or so somebody can say you're brave? You know, I mean, I don't know. I feel like, you know, human beings are incredibly, you know. Flawed. Flawed, yeah.

We screw up a lot. So it's just like, but you got to kind of look at the overall and I got to be honest with you, that guy's one of the, you know, nice. He's one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet in the business. Yeah, he made it. He goes back into his neighborhood. He's helping people get in shape. I mean, he's doing all kinds of wonderful things that quite frankly, he doesn't need to be doing. He could just sit there and do movies and do arenas, but he actually helps younger comics out. Like Keith Robinson? Yeah.

Remembers people's names and stuff like that. There's a lot of good positive things about that guy. I understand why they don't want that type of stuff out there, but like that, there also has to be, you gotta, you gotta give somebody a chance to redeem themselves. And I think if every time you rub their nose and their own shit, you know, I don't think that that works. It's one of the, it's one of the few times that makes me feel happy to be my, as old as I am, because I, my life wasn't chronicled while I was doing all the dumb shit on video and on you know i mean all my stuff i feel lucky that i grew up in the 70s 80s and 90s

i was kind of joking with my buddy i got i kind of feel like we're like the last like sort of fun generation it was like before um you know colin bine it was before 9-11 right and and it was before like like paul like you know back when people you know you didn'tynes. It was before 9-11. And it was before, like, like Paul, like, you know, back when people,

you know, you didn't say who you voted for. Don't bring up politics or religion. You know, let's go out to dinner. You know, let's keep it nice. And I'm not saying,

obviously, there weren't problems back then, but like, you know, there wasn't internet porn. I got to have a childhood. Can you imagine if that shit was around when I was,

oh my God, I can't like these kids nowadays it's like they're eight years old and the brain damage they have it's like they've been on the vice squad for like 40 years so um it's a great fucking line no but dude it's true like i read this whole thing on it when i was sitting there going i'm watching too much internet porn and I was reading Rolling Stone or something like that and they had an article in there and they were talking about how

you know, there's kids that they watch so much pornography before their first actual experience with another person to the point when their touch, their body doesn't respond. Like they're like these jades. They should be smoking cigarettes, eating donuts. Like, it's going to take more than that honey honey you know uh desensitized absolutely yes yes it's like teens

and it's kind of like wow man like what they missed out on like i remember like on like my first date i was at the movies that's how young i was literally her hand, the side of her hand brushed the side of my hand. And I felt like this jolt go through. Oh, yeah. It was just, I couldn't believe it. I was just like, this is like magic. Yeah. You know?

Now she could be peeing on your head and the guy wouldn't blink. He's like, what's that? Yeah. I'm tired of that. Come on. I just watched this shirt, you know? It's not that you're peeing on me. I just really like this shirt.

I had a joke about that as an open mic-er. I actually had a joke about it, and it wasn't even porn. This is what? When did I do that? 87, I was an open mic-er. But I had a joke about how desensitized. I guess it was porn, but it wasn't internet shit. It wasn't big yet. But I had a joke about how desensitized... I guess it was porn, but it wasn't internet shit. It wasn't big yet.

But I had that joke. And a guy would go out with a girl the first time and come home. And back in the day, the friends would be like, so did you kiss her or whatever the fuck? Now it's like, how many fingers did you get in her ass? That's like, you know. Wow, your dick jokes were ahead of their time. I was very prescient.

I was very prescient when it comes to I whacked off to the Indian on the Land O'Lakes Butterbox that was my whole bit on the fucking evolution of porn that's how fucking old and embarrassing it is Speaking of how's the animated thing going, Billy? F for Family, right?

F for Family, it's going great third season just came out. It's Netflix, so you don't get ratings, but it seems like it's doing well. Hopefully, we get another one. We get to go in there and continue the story, but it's really fun to write a serialized show,

especially as an animated show. It's just really interesting. One of my favorite shows as a kid, I liked Johnny Quest because if somebody got shot, they died. And I thought that was really cool, after seeing the coyote fall off the cliff. And be fine. Yeah, he was like an accordion for a couple of steps.

Yeah, he'd get hit with an anvil. And he was... Yeah. That's why I hated uh that's when I started to turn off on cartoons as a kid when when like Scooby Doo it was like watching a detective show yeah I might as well have had actors you know I mean it wasn't the whole idea of animation like you know is um it well it's twofold but I I did like when, like, here's the scenario.

Remember the Pink Panther? Yeah. This still is in my head. He's laying, he gets hit by an anvil and he gets crunched. He's all fucking wrinkly. He lays himself on an ironing board. He's ironing himself with an iron. There you go.

The phone rings. He picks up the phone, forgets the irons on his stomach. It burns a hole through his stomach. So he grabs an alarm clock, puts it in the hole, and the alarm clock goes off, and he vibrates off the phone. That was cartoon stuff.

You know what? The Pink Panther had the best sound of somebody falling on the ground. It's an iconic sound. And it sounds like the air is coming out of somebody and the sound of just somebody falling on the ground. It's an iconic sound. And it sounds like the air is coming out of somebody and the sound of just like somebody hitting the ground. And they've actually used that sound effect in movies today. It was the perfect, I don't know who,

you know, they always do like those behind the scenes with the people, you know, punching lettuce, you know, to make the sound effect. Like if I had a lettuce for a fight, and I was just like, who was the guy that did that sound effect, who's now, like, 102? I was like, that was me in 1948. Yeah, they give the guy behind, the Three Stooges gave the guy

that did all the sound effects for them. They gave him a ton of credit, you know? Oh, yeah. Remember the Stooges getting hit with a fucking wrench? And real quickly, I talked to you earlier. You said you were going to make a sundae tomato sauce. Yeah. I'm looking at you.

Just looking at you. I don't think you know what you're doing. It's a different world, man. I know. Everything's all infused now. Back in the day, how much of an ass-kicking I would have had to get just to get into your Italian-American neighborhood, just to even realize that that dish existed I grew up in the

neighborhood like you Billy be honest with you fucking I wasn't Danvers Rihanna middle-class suburb all white yeah I'm my first car loan was there Danvers Savings Bank one Conan's one Conan Street why why why was it better know why my dad had a good relationship with that bank so we drove all the way up to the North Shore to get a to get a loan on my first car here's what you want to go get it get a this is right from Italy get okay get it get a cheap pork loin right like six or seven dollars pretty sure you can afford it. I see you're selling out stadiums in Europe.

And just braise the pork loin in a little bit of oil, braise it slowly and actually cut it up in chunks first and then braise it slowly. Take the meat out. Then you put in your onions and garlic. This is important because you might have to cook for 12 or 14 people someday. And put in the onions and garlic and the tomatoes, and put the meat back in. You were asking about that earlier.

And let it simmer slow for a couple hours. Well, here's the question. Do you take any of that grease out of the pan? No, you don't. A little bit. No, you don't. Here's what you do, though. At the end, you're going to have a layer of grease. Right. grease right coming from a great yeah which is a sign you're doing it right that you

can sort of scoop off the top but and you scoop it up without a wooden spoon or whatever yeah or with this up your nose with a straw the way sweeney used to do it you uh yeah no use the fucking no you you're irish use a beer... No, you're Irish. Use a beer bottle. Just kind of... There you go. But, yeah, no, yeah, just scoop it off of the ladle just a little bit. But that's a sign you're making a great sauce. But don't forget the onions and garlic.

And that's my grandmother's recipe from a brutsi. And then, you know, shred the meat up and put it back in if you want. I mean, it's already in there. Okay. But whatever. That's already in there, but whatever. I'm going to send you a clip of a guy because I started watching this. This guy, what's his name?

I forget his name. He's out in San Francisco. He makes all these different things. He goes, my name's so-and-so. I live on the hill. Nancy Pelosi. Every morning I walk down and I buy the ingredients and I'm gonna cook that evening my name is so-and-so and this is and this is what's left of

the Italian American section in San Francisco so he makes a Sunday gravy right and on YouTube I end up clicking on this other guy it's this Canadian dude who has some sort of substance abuse problem he's kind of getting hammered. He's baking, he's cooking it by himself. And he just at one point launched off into this tangent of some woman trying to cut him at his doctor's office where he said, my doctor's trying to give me my dope. And I got to send you this clip, dude.

This is a cooking clip? Yeah. Oh, my God. It's everything that makes the internet great. I'll send you the clip. I don't want clip yeah it's everything it's everything that makes the internet great i'll send you the clip i don't want you to post it because i don't want to get the guy in trouble it's fucking funny as hell man it's a nice sunday gravy with a hep c i can touch a Pepsi in it oh no he's smoking butts and stuff he's like throwing his lighter down it's hitting the friggin salt salt shaker. It's hilarious.

I gotta check that out. Billy, I'm gonna let you go, but you're going to Europe. This is a fucking... Yes, I am. This is a rock star comic. And I don't... Billy, you know, I know this. The one thing I do know is comedy. It's the only thing I know how to do for a living. I really do think you're the best out there today.

And you and Louie... Fucking Louie to me and uh there's very few guys i idolize i i text billy i was coming home from doing a morning radio in connecticut and you came on on satellite radio the rescue dog bit and i actually text billy i go this made me feel two ways it inspired me to write some more and it made me and on the other hand it made me want to quit comedy because that rescue dog i don't i'm jaded i've been doing this 30 years i don't laugh at anything anymore unless it's somebody getting hurt seriously on the field or whatever but i was i had to text billy and it was just i was happy and depressed and all in one so uh where are you going in europe

well we'll probably put your dates up right after we're done with you here but uh i know cloned germany you call germany which i learned last time i was there was one of the most bombed cities in world war ii that's definitely saying something uh berlin um i'm going to budapest warsaw prague jesus estonia latvia and everything well that's like you know one of the few things that i i kind of saw it for what it was was Netflix. And I kind of looked at that and I was like, because I was already starting to go overseas and I wanted to keep expanding. Yep. And I saw like everywhere I was going in the beginning and Netflix was either on their way to being there or was already there. That was my first tour.

And by the next tour I went to they were just everywhere but um i was able to you know and i have my little tricks on how to sell tickets over there like i just started following liverpool in the premier league see so now i can talk about the game and then i just make fun of people i make fun of their stadiums and i just sort of give them shit and it's just funny for them hopefully to hear some yank talking about their sport and then it will make them want to come out to the show. So it's my own sort of weird marketing that I do. No, it's brilliant because my next question to you was, I've done a little of it. I did Manchester Festival, Manchester, England.

They have fun. Those guys have fun over there. Yeah, but any time I've gone overseas, I did Hong Kong, but those are expats in the audience, so it went pretty well. But even Canada, I noticed a lot of my Americana references fall on deaf ears. Do you, you don't find that? Is your stuff like, must be like. No, I just, I just act like I'm here. The mistake I made when I first went over was thinking

everything. The last thing I remember thinking about was I had some bit where I was going to use a squirrel as a reference. And I'm standing on stage in London thinking like, wait, do they have squirrels? Did I see a squirrel? Did I walk through a park? Do they have squirrels? They cute them like rats over there. Yeah, well,

they have those little red ones. They don't have the big gray ones, but they do have squirrels. So, they have ginger squirrels over there, yeah well they have those little red ones they don't the big gray but they have they they do have squirrels so uh they have ginger squirrels over there Nick right so I was on my yeah I was on my heels so then they got on their heels and I just started bombing so it wasn't that I was kind of pissed about that I had a bad show then I went to Oslo it was just a drinking crowd and I was just like fuck this I just walked out there like I was going on at the store or you know at the comic strip or something

and um and I just clicked and they just they get a ton of um references and everything and uh you know but what I find is you know I just gotta do a couple of them to get it you know under your belt kinda know which things to steer away from've got to do a couple of them to get it, you know, under your belt.

Kind of know which things to steer away from and what to hit a little bit harder. And it works out. Must be. I mean, you're selling tickets like crazy. And, yeah, I remember being up there. I was in England, Manchester, England. And I'm like, oh, my God, I'd see the next bit coming in my head. And I'm like, oh, this has like three Subway sandwich shop references in it.

What the fuck? Do they know where Syracuse is is there a syracuse england uh all right billy hey man i i can't thank you enough and and uh like i said you're as good as anybody doing this ever in my opinion so hey right back at you right back at we we still we were telling the paula stories the other night we went went out to get a steak dinner, and we were talking about, it was Nick says something horrific that loses the crowd, and then his next joke gets an applause break. Story. Yeah, I'm trying to stop that pattern, man.

I make a lot of work for myself. But go to billybird.com, I think, right? Is that where we're going to put your dates up? So kill it over there, Billy, and hopefully we'll talk to you again. I can't thank you enough, buddy. All right, I'm going to send you that clip. Watch it after the show. Oh, I will, and tell me I said hi.

Okay, buddy. See you.