The Nick DiPaolo Show - Showdown at the Border

Episode Date: November 27, 2018

Invasion of the Imbeciles. Twitter Continues Crushing Conservatives. How Much for That Doggy in the Hospital? 

🎵 Oh yeah! Welcome to the show on a really shitty Monday. How are you folks? We're doing it live. Facebook, YouTube, all that shit. We'll do it live. What the kids love. They look at the porn. We'll do it live. But the kids love it. They look at the porn. We'll do it live. Fuck it. Do it live.

All right, I heard you. I want all of you to enjoy your cake. So, enjoy. You've got to get mad. You've got to say, I'm a human being. God damn it. My life has value. Not so much.

I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore. All righty. Welcome. 833-59-NICK. 833-599-6425. The phone number. Shout outs right at the top. These are the people that keep the show alive.

The lifeblood, as we say. Jacob Bender has upgraded to the Vito tier. That's the $30 a month tier. Vito. Vito, thank you so much. Jacob, thanks a lot, buddy. Larry Eubank has also made a personal contribution at nickdip.com, which you can do also.

And we appreciate the support, folks. Not many places where we can talk the way we do. It's getting less and less thanks to giant tech companies like Twitter and Jack Dorsey. We'll get to that in a few moments. More

crushing of conservative views on Twitter. And they're just totally fucking biased like the rest of the world and we'll get to that uh real quickly sad note at the top of the show my best friend in this business the closest guy i'm to in show business and probably outside of show business colin quinn who's a genius people who don't get his humor i don't want you as a fan because you don't he's anytime colin bombs is because he's going over their heads with great jokes and uh he's an even better person anyways his mom passed away this weekend in her 80s uh gail and uh you know qu Quinn is just, you can ask every comic out there.

You know, he's loaded with advice, not just showbiz advice, career advice, life advice. He's got the wisdom of a 95-year-old person. I don't know where he gets it. Maybe from Gale. I don't know. But he's as close a buddy as I have in the business. So, you know, condolences to Colin and his family. He always told me how much his mother

loved my comedy, which I'm guessing Colin gets it from her, because she's really funny and really smart. So to have Colin's mom like what I do, I put it on my resume. So, yeah. Kind of sad, but she's in her Colin's mom like what I do, uh, you know, I put it on my resume. Uh,

so yeah, kind of sad, but she's in her eighties and, and, and, and, uh, I hate to use the cliche,

a better place, but come on, look at the fucking planet. Just look at the drudge headlines and you'll have to agree with that. So, uh, again, condolences to the,

uh, Quinn family. Um, yeah, just, uh, Colin, think about your buddy. And, uh,, thinking about you, buddy. He was writing the... I talked to him yesterday. He was writing the eulogy,

which is one of my biggest fears because my dad's very sick. I sat down five years ago to practice writing my dad's eulogy when i found out he was sick and uh i got nowhere i'm like there's nothing funny here him smacking me and me yelling at him and

and and and every day but you know my father was as good a dad as you can have and uh i don't the best eulogy i ever saw was uh norm dwar. He's the guy that owns the comedy cellar. The business was handed down to him from his dad, Manny, who all us comedians loved. And I remember going to his funeral and Norm giving the funniest, I mean, just nailed his dad perfectly. And it killed him. He was like he was killing in a comedy club,

only with real stories. And I don't know how people do it man um but uh anyhow what else on the weekend uh oh bianca my dog bianca and and yes a yorkshire terrier i want i like big dogs i want bull mastiffs and and great things you know ones with balls that hang six feet low and uh this stand six feet high but uh, uh, no, the wife wanted a Yorkie. And when I met her, she had a little, little angry, ugly fucking Chihuahua slash terrier mix who hated me and I hated it. But you know what? I even grew to like that dog when we were living in Los Angeles. So, but, but our dog, uh, I go in the bathroom on Friday, I think it was,

and the dog gets out of bed. It's been acting weird. It's got dementia now. She's 14, blind and deaf. It's like a furry hat, you know. But she goes to get out of bed. There she is. How couldn't you love that little faggy smile?

Look at that dog. Look at that. It looks like a fucking stuffed animal. And she's as sweet as she looks. Sticks her tongue out every time we take a picture. Like, fuck you. I don't need this in my life. I go in the bathroom. Anyways,

she goes to get out of bed, falls down. No, like, no circulation in her right hind leg. She kept collapsing and collapsing, which has been happening for a little while. And then she walks into the bathroom door face first. She can't see shit. I don't know if they have seen-eye dogs for dogs,

but that would be cute. Could you find a dog smaller than nine pounds to lead her around? This is my emotional support tick. And it kept fucking falling over, and then it fell over on its, and rolled over on its back and the legs went straight up.

All four legs. I started to laugh. Thought she was trying to make me laugh. It reminded me, if you ever seen Animal House, when they shoot the horse in the dean's office and the thing falls with the legs stiff. So she was having a seizure.

She was as rigid. She felt like she was made of porcelain. And it lasted about 30-40 seconds. Oh damn it! Ryan, run upstairs and get the bill. The vet bill for my wife. Go ahead. So the dog has a seizure. I was lucky enough there to

see it. Falls on its back for I'd say 30 30 to 40 seconds. Rigid and gasping for air. The fucking eyes roll on the head. And I'm thinking, you know, mouth to fucking mouth to dog. No.

I might say goodbye to the dog. I love animals to a certain point. I have that Italian in me. me remember my grandmother used to kill rabbits with her bare hands she'd raise rabbits and and to cook my buddies would come over i'd say you want a rabbit and they'd name the rabbits they come over about two weeks later and i go you want to see your rabbit i'd open the freezer i'm not shitting you they're like that spot yeah that spot we're having with fucking cremini mushrooms in about two hours.

My grandmother would pet the fucking rabbits on her lap and then go. I mean, old school Italian. She could have been a fucking hitman. Apparently no feelings whatsoever. Anyways. Dog has a seizure. So I say, we got to get this thing to a hospital tomorrow morning why now

you know so we bring it thank you we bring it to a doggy hospital about 10 miles from here and first thing I noticed not a man working there not one and I mean they were like

there was one doctor on call lauren benson who was great by the way and all these technicians every one of them a female so i don't want to hear about it about sexism whatever and again they weren't very attractive nick why do you gotta say i'm just making out a point and they didn't look i don't think they were gay there's a lot there's a one of my theories again but but gay women have work that they they love working with animals am i wrong twinks have you ever noticed this no uh jason i gotta school you in the ways of the world uh anyway but but it's. A lot of gay women work with animals and even at the horse stables where we keep the horse, a lot of gay women work in there because they don't fucking like people because people don't like them in their haircuts.

What? So, uh, I don't know. There's sensitive feeling touchy, uh, until it comes to straight guys and they want to fucking kill us. feeling touchy until it comes to straight guys and they want to fucking kill us but the doctor was very thorough and very nice and sweet and honest and and until she brought the bill then i was like what the fuck is this blackmail they actually the shit is so expensive they literally question you they might as well go how much do you love this dog it's fucking so unfair, man.

Let me read you some of the fucking charges. Turns out the dog has kidney failure, but dogs can live with kidney failure, chronic kidney failure. They'll probably last another year or two, unless they punt it into the woods. What?

Anyways, let me read you some of the prices here. Exam, consultation, emergency. I think the Gambino's ran this place. $167. Hospitalization setup. What, did you build the fucking hospital? Hospitalization setup. I think you set up to fucking

help sick animals that's $46 hospitalization slash hour level $76 I don't even know what that means thyroid test $112 ultrasound on abdomen $511

95 cents a urine whatever test. $268. I would have tasted her piss for 50. What the fuck? It's piss. How many things could be wrong with it? Ultrasound guided cystic scintillitis, $33.

IV fluid setup, which she needed. She's a nine pound dog. She was down to she needed. She's a nine-pound dog. She was down to six pounds. She lost a third of her weight. That's because I've been feeding her chicken palm, and she doesn't touch it. IV fluids, $175. Fluids IV maintenance per hour, $476.

Fluid additives, link. IV administration set, Buritol ad, $20.34. KCI, gin, I don't know what that means, $7. Hospitalization per hour, $76. Fluids IV maintenance per hour, another $28. These are double charges. Heskicot comprehensive panel and CBC, $248. Blood pressure, $79.

Every time they take a blood pressure, they can only do it twice after I threatened them. Enroflaxin, Batril. Oh, this is the antibiotics, $33.88. Infused medication, $33.50. Maripentin, Serenia, $37.50 maripentin serenia $37.83 iStat CG8

$121 day 2 hospitalization per hour $102 fluid IV maintenance $38 KCI again $662 calcium carbonate a Tums? They're fuck? A Tums? They're giving her a Tums.

$4.22. The fucking Tums. What? Hospitalization per hour level again, $102. Fluid IV maintenance, $38 again. KCI again, Gen 662. Heska kidney panel. They had a panel get together.

They called some people in from D.C. They put the panel. Muller's going to wave in. $130. Calcium carbonate again, $422. Marble flaxen, 25 milligrams, $40. What the fuck? It's like heroin.

Marrow, patentin, serenia, $31.65 for a grand total of $2,587.01. I'll repeat that. The dog cost $1,100. I could have went out when my wife was in the waiting room and came back with two fucking Yorkies. I didn't. I came back with two fucking Yorkies. I didn't. I came back with two whores from the Yonkers area.

Jesus Christ! Are you kidding me? That was her in a good mood with her belly full. Anyways, I'm just saying. Louis C.K. has a bit about getting a dog, bringing a puppy home. And I don't even remember. Just the gist of it is, yeah, look what I just brought home. Something that we're going to all be very upset and sad and doomed about in about five years.

But I'm just saying, they're questioning your love. So I said, the dog has cataracts, can't see shit. I go, how much to get the eyes fixed? And I was guessing because we saw online like $3,300. She goes six grand. I go, it was nice meeting you. Tell the dog. I said, goodbye. And I get up and do a fake walkout. I thought I'd get a big laugh from my wife and the doctor. And they're staring at me like, fuck it. I just, you know, I had rabies myself. Fucking 66 grand to fix a goddamn dog's eyes. Fuck that. I'll put one of those things over that. You know, the things you use to sleep mask at the hotels, throw that, draw some

eyes on it and tell everybody she's fine. Jesus H Christ. Hello. What the fuck? I mean, I love the dog, but fuck that you're blind the rest of your life, honey. Anyways, the dog's home. It put on a pound and a half. It was dehydrated to shit. And again, I think that's because the dog used to drink Heineken's late at night when we weren't looking and then piss it all out. I don't know, but they

put a pound and a half back on the dog. So it's up to seven and a half, which is not bad but 3 pounds? that's a 30 a buck Jason how much do you weigh? 140 so do the math there

I can't that's like you losing 42 pounds or some shit anyways so the dog is home and it's well it's outside we have it tied to a tree in the rain and I'm hoping it gets pneumonia. What?

Okay. Onto real quick. I, I always have opinions about football, as you know, on Monday morning, uh, Monday afternoon,

whatever the fuck we are. By the way, this show has to end right at seven o'clock tonight. Cause I'm going to Colin's mom's wake in Brooklyn and it's pouring like an SOB. Probably half the parkways are blocked and just trying to park in Brooklyn will be 45 minutes. I'll get there to say hello and turn around and fucking...

I came up with a semi-solution for the helmet-on-helmet vicious hits. By the way, 833-599-6425. 833-599-6425. 833-599-6425. As far as... There were a couple vicious hits that weren't called. Remember during the preseason, they were flagging everything?

And everybody's like, they're going to ruin football. They haven't really enforced any of that. That was just a show for us, for the lawyers or whatever. But I think I came up while I was watching this. Tell me this doesn't, it's not going to eliminate these vicious head-on hits, because that's part of football, but it's going to reduce them. If you look, and I don't know this factually, I'm just speculating,

but if you look at helmet-on-helmet and vicious, you know, what player on the field is involved in most of them? What positions? Defensive backs. Especially free safeties. Because you line up 20 yards in a line of scrimmage, get a running start, and you hit a guy while he's trying to catch a football who's defenseless,

and you knock him silly. And I would say a high percentage of these vicious hits that they're trying to eliminate start with defensive backs involved. It's got to be over 85%. I really believe that. But here's a slight solution. Make the defensive backs line up on the line of scrimmage, almost like you're playing man coverage.

So now you're not sitting back there just waiting for somebody, right? Secondly, and it's related to that, eliminate zone defenses. If you guys know anything about football, I played strong safety in high school slash linebacker. It was called a monster. It was the best position ever.

You get to croak people. It was just fucking great. But my point being is when you play zone coverage, you know the difference know, the difference between zone and man, you guys are heterosexuals, don't you? You know, when you're playing zone, somebody comes into your zone and you can line them up from a mile away and take their fucking head off.

As opposed to man, you have to stare it on that guy when he releases. You see what I'm saying? I think this is a legitimately good way of reducing them. If my initial premise is true, which most of the times it's free safety, strong safeties and defensive acts who get a running start and unload. So I think if you say no more zone, you know, and I'm sure there's going to be a reaction, I'm sure. But don't you think this is kind of an intelligent thing?

By the way, did you see the kid break his leg for University of Central Florida, the quarterback? Oh my God, it was going at it at a right angle. It's been great for the shit. That doesn't bother me, that shit. When I was in high school, my buddy busted his femur. I heard it crack. I was like two feet away.

But the real graphic ones, I sit there with my fucking DVR, watch it like it's a proto-film eight times. This guy's leg was, his foot was going the wrong way, his knee was going one way, and whatever. There's a lot of that shit,

and there were two or three vicious headshots, but I think that's the solution. Anybody agree with me? No more zone defense, and I don't want to rule football. I started playing football because I was in love with those hits. That's what I saw as a kid.

Jack Tatum was my hero. Everybody else's enemy. But Roger Goodell, take note. Maybe I'll call. Somebody give me Goodell on the line. Anyhow. Real quick, my dates. You can get these at nickdip.com.

This weekend, Friday and Saturday night, the Corner Comedy Club, Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada. Saturday, December 22nd, the Comedy Works, Saratoga Springs, New York. New Year's Eve, Tarrytown Music Hall, Tarrytown, New York. Saturday, January 12th, Fairfield Theatre, Fairfield, Connecticut. Saturday, January 19th, Bobby V's, Windsor Locks, Connecticut. Sunday, January 27th, Ventura Harbor Comedy Club, Ventura, California.

Friday, March 8th, Wood Theatre, Glens Falls, New York. Saturday, March 9, Cohoes Hall, Cohoes, New York. One of my favorites. I actually feel that place is pretty big. Friday, April 26, Steel Stacks, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Saturday, October 19, the Ridgefield Playhouse, Ridgefield, Connecticut. And, all right, what's going on in the world? Real quick, top 10 stand-up comedy specials of 2018.

Apparently, and I've been saying this forever, no room for alpha white males in the stand-up comedy world anymore as far as having Netflix specials and anything that fucking matters. Here are the top 10 specials. John Mulaney, Kid Gorgeous. He shot it at Radio City. He was a writer for SNL. He's a funny dude.

I give him that. I like him, and he's a great comic. Funny, but he's the only straight white guy on this list of 10, and he's, you know, you'd look at him going he might be gay he's he's a harmless that's what they want the people who run netflix the people who run showbiz at this point 2018 if you're a straight white guy you're gonna be the girls have to find you silly and you have to be harmless i mean uh i never had a shot even 10 years ago. And the guy's fighting, but I'm just saying.

Then number nine, Hari Kondabulu. Specials call, warn your relatives. I don't know. Hari Kondabulu. Hari, H-A-R-I. Probably an Indian, South Asian. Number eight. W. Kamau Bell.

We know him because he had a show on HBO. Not a big fan of Whitey. Private school Negro. He was number eight. Number seven was Gianni Duenas. Grandes fracosas de aire y hoy. He's a

he or she a Chilean comedian have you ever so we've covered it so far we got a black dude, we got a South Asian we got a Chilean number 6 Chris Rock

tambourine was his special anybody see a pattern developing here does anybody see me even getting a whiff of one of these fucking specials Tambourine was his special. Anybody see a pattern developing here? Does anybody see me even getting a whiff of one of these fucking specials? I'm just proving what I've been saying. Tig Notaro, happy to be here, is her special. Tig Notaro is more manly than I am. I worked with her.

She opened for me in Atlanta years ago, probably 10 years ago. Funny, Louis C.K. made her famous by plugging her putting his uh her first special and then then after the louis incident and all the publicity she she doesn't want anything to do with them but she she takes her shirt off in one of her specials i don't know if this is it and looks like uh jason with no shirt on and you know i don't even think she's even come out as gay. But like I said, she's more manly than I am. So we got, let's review. South Asian, black, Chilean, gay woman.

Harmless white guy. Cameron Esposito. Rape jokes is the name of her special. Need I say more? Nick DiPaolo came out with a special called Rape Jokes. Would it even get past the first layer of shit at Netflix?

Nice to know we can joke about rape if you have tits. Cameron Esposito, I guess she was a victim of sexual assault. That's the world we live in. If you're black, you can only, you know, you can't talk about black people unless you're black. You can't talk about gay people and blah, blah, blah. And the PC world

continues. Three, Ali Wong, Asian girl, who I had to follow one night at Gotham. She knocked the shit out of the crowd. And who's funny, but now we get the Asian female. Aparna Nacharla, the stand-ups,

Indian, I'm guessing, uses a PowerPoint presentation to execute jokes about Yelp reviewers, emojis, and dating app dynamics. Backed by these clever visuals, she comes across as one of comedy's most irreverent and approachable. Oh yeah, you gotta be very edgy. You gotta be a lot of courage to be a female Indian or Pakistani to fucking talk shit. Ay-yi-yi-yi-ya! Number one, Hannah Gadsby. You know, Nanette. She's the very gay woman from Australia.

Again, victim of assault. She grew up in Australia where homosexuality was only legalized in 1997 and everybody made fun of this look, I appreciate she went deep, she talked about her sexual assault and blah blah blah but the point being

they have such freedom with these subjects where a straight white guy couldn't go near them, I mean that double standard now it's a triple and quadruple extent. The point being Chilean, Indian, black,

two gay women, harmless white guy. Do you see what I'm saying? It's about to very... Watch Nanette for five minutes and tell me there's not somebody funny out there. And again, she's more manly than Earl Campbell, my favorite running back. Why I referenced that, I don't know.

But I'm just saying, when people come up to, and me and Colin Quinn laugh about the, your fans come up to you, you know, you guys should do Tough Crowd on Netflix and make these simple, why don't you host a Tonight Show? Have you tried that? And you go, why don't you fucking, you show have you tried that and you go why don't you fucking you're a fan of mine why don't you have a cup of coffee and and find out what's going on in the fucking i appreciate you to like my comedy but as far as the people that run show business there's no room for me Zach's got a question about my theory about football. Go ahead, Zach.

Welcome to the show, buddy. Hi, Nick. You know, these refs can't tell what is a catch or not. I mean, how the hell are they going to tell if they're playing man or zone? I mean, seriously, if there's no receiver for the strong safety to line up with what you do take a knee no but he has to line up when you're a strong safety you usually line up to the strong side of the field across from the tight end a few yards back and if the point being move them all up zach a good point but but but that would be i think it would be easier for the refs to detect zone as opposed to man.

I think that's an easier call for them than what is a catch, what isn't a catch. But yeah, I see your point. But yeah, move them all. But don't you think that's kind of a good idea? Move them all up close to the line of scrimmage and make them play man? That's going to eliminate all the hits that you and I drool over, by the way. My eye is on the free

safety the whole fucking game. I just wait for them to knock somebody's block off. I just fucking love it. I was in linemen, so I watched the line play, but honestly I think we need to go back to the leather helmets, and this is the explanation I give.

Bare-knuckle boxing is a lot safer than current boxing with a wrapped hand and a 16-ounce glove. It's going to be more cosmetic. It's going to look uglier, but you can't, with bare-knuckle boxing, you can't strike the temple with your hand. You'll break your knuckles. I mean, you're going to see a lot of people a little more bloody with some scars, but, I mean, when I first started playing football, I picked up that hard plastic helmet, and I just looked at it and felt it and saying, is this helping or hurting me?

All right, Zach, good call. I will address that final point. Thanks, buddy. Well, if you want back to leather helmets, and some people actually, here's the problem with that, Zach. It's still a collision sport. These guys are still 280 pounds that run 4-5-40s. When they run into each other,

their heads are going to bang because their heads are attached to their shoulders. It's going to be unintentional, but when you do have an accidental collision like you do now, you're going to fucking split your head wide open and and and that's why they have the plastic helmets which have turned into a weapon but there's always gonna be you when you bang your head you better have some protection on it you know they're always gonna crash heads by accident

uh let's go to matt wants to know how gay I am. Hi, Matt. How are you? Good, Nick. How are you doing? What's up? I don't know much. I was calling to just see how gay you are.

Not quite as gay as you, Matt, but on a scale of one to ten, I'd say about a six. No, Nick. Hold on, Nick. Nick, I came out of the closet. No, no, Nick. Nick, listen. I came out of the closet the other day,

and it turns out I'm not gay, but you are. Oh, my God. Good one, Matt. You're a fucking comic genius. Bitch. but you are. Oh my God. Good one, Matt. You're a fucking comic genius. What are you doing in the closet, Matt? In the first place. Oh,

you're from Colorado. That's right. Home of the fucking fruit loop. Huh? Trump tells Mexico to ship migrants home or see border permanently closed. I dare you, Mr. Trump. I dare you. Do we have his tweet?

No. I sent you the article. And the tweet's in the article, Jay. I don't know. You get a little sloppy or any time is a, you know. Do I have to say, put the tweet up? You used to do it on your own. And no, I wouldn't yell at you.

Anyways, Trump's tweet said, Mexico should move the flag-waving migrants, many of whom are stone-cold criminals, back to their countries. He tweeted this early this morning. Do it by plane. Do it by bus. How about donkey? Do it any way you want, but they are not coming into

the USA. We will close the border permanently if need be. Congress fund the wall in capital letters. Wall. So Trump is not backing down on this shit. He's pissed uh the the tweet came after a chaotic sunday that saw hundreds of filthy low-life migrants from i'm emphasizing from a caravan that originated in central america pushing past mexican riot police and rushing the border at the port of entry in san ysidro california we actually have video.

Okay, yeah, this is not an invasion. That's not what I ordered. No, I said huevos de ranchero. Yeah, there you go. There you go. They're all headed to Pelosi's house. Yeah, that's not a fucking invasion. How can you call it an invasion?

They don't have weapons or uniforms. Oh, is that what it takes? Jesus Christ, could you be any more retarded? And Trump's right, it is the Democrats' fault. They fucking punted 90 times on this issue. He actually did the DACA thing. Remember he upped it from $600,000 to $1.8 or whatever. Remember he offered this juicy deal.

They turned that down because it came out of Trump's mouth. And here we are. So I personally think optics like that are good for Trump. There's even some moderate people going, what the fuck is going on here? So, you know. Did you just fucking see that? Ah. It makes me laugh, because there's so many easy solutions.

This is how you know both Dems and Republicans. Again, the Dems want the future vote of these scumbags pouring over at the border who have no respect for law and order, claiming they're coming from countries where they're in danger and there's no law and order. And the first thing they do when they get to a country with law and order is throw rocks and projectiles at the cops. So, again, fucking brilliant.

And, you know, Ocasio-Cortez and the like, fucking, they're all wet watching this. Those are future voters. And then you've got people on both sides who see it as cheap labor. watching this. Those are future voters. And then you got people on both sides who see it as cheap labor. But the fact is a lot of people are going to be losing their jobs

in the next 10 years to fucking automation. It's already happening. So now you're going to have a bunch of unskilled scumbags coming for third world shitholes who have no skills, no education. Now they have idle time on their hands. They can suck off the government tit, and that's why

they're coming. Don't let anybody fucking kid you. Sure, there are some who are there for legitimate asylum reasons, but U.S. Customs at CBP, Customs Border Protection, said it suspended north and southbound crossings for both pedestrians and vehicles

at the San Ysidro Port of Entry at approximately 11.30 a.m. local time. That's down by San Diego, I believe. U.S. border agents shot several rounds of tear gas after some migrants attempted to penetrate various points along the border, and they'll be attempting to penetrate your daughters, too, some of them. Just some of them. And through what appeared to be rocks at U.S. authorities. just some of them, and threw what appeared to be rocks at U.S. authorities.

So the Border Patrol shot tear gas, and we have people on the left having a meltdown. One dumb brah, first of all, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is comparing the jerk-offs that are pouring over the border to Jews fleeing the Holocaust. If this bra was any dumber, it should be me. And then there's some... I read

the headline. It made me so upset I couldn't read the rest of the story. One of the stupid politicians on the left said that tear gas was considered a chemical weapon. Meanwhile, Obama five years ago was considered a chemical weapon. Meanwhile, Obama, five years ago, was shooting fucking pepper spray into people's faces at the border.

But nobody brings that up. You guys are such jackoffs. And you Republicans, you can't fucking win these arguments. Yeah. No, because part of you agree with the Democrats. Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen said in a statement that some migrants attempted to breach legacy fence infrastructure along the border and sought to harm CBP personnel by throwing projectiles.

She says, as I have continually stated, DHS will not tolerate this type of lawlessness. It will not hesitate to shut down ports of entry for security and public safety reasons that's if she still has a job in a few days we will also seek to prosecute to the fullest extent of the law anyone who destroys federal property and dangers our front line

sure you will apparently Trump lit a fire under her ass the Mexican Interior Ministry said Sunday would immediately deport the migrants who tried to violently breach the border yeah let's take your word for that too situation on sunday was not unprecedented in 2013 during the obama administration border patrol used pepper spray to fend off a crowd of approximately 100 migrants now it's up to 5 000 so do you see? Oh, that was a thing they were upset.

There's kids there. They're shooting pepper spray and there are kids there. Yes. How about the fucking idiot parents like this dumb bitch dragging her kids to this fucking area? You can see they're good moms and you can see they're from a great culture, can't you? Look at the future little criminals. Mom's dragging over. Let me bring my little girls to the fucking

potentially explosive situation. Maybe one of them will catch a fucking rubber bullet. Oh my God. Look at her. You know what that looks like? Oh my God, you people in California are going to love this. That looks like a sign they have in L. in LA when you're heading to San Diego, or all over LA, but heading to San Diego on the 405 and on the 5.

They have a sign. It's a silhouette of a woman dragging two little kids, you know, just letting you know. You know how they have De'Aaron's sign over here in the east? You might run over a Mexican family. I used to fucking laugh. I used to say, I can't tell if that sign is her, she came to the United States

and had the kids and is dragging them back. That looks just like the fucking sign. But they're blaming the Border Patrol. His tear get good. The kids will fucking learn but this is this is all avoidable and you think i'm gonna be you think i'm kidding when i say this and you go nick that's over the top all this could be avoided two words for you lethal force

lethal for now lethal force and coming the way of a gun not even necessary. Again, I'm a big rubber bullet fan and whatever. Or you make an electrified wall, but anybody touches it, it fries them. Seriously, I know we can't use landmines. I'm sure we could come up with a take, you know, modern-day version of a landmine that would just shock you. But there's a million ways to keep people away from anything. You know what?

How about the ring doorbell? Remember Trump said he's going to build a wall. He's going to have a big, beautiful door. You have one of those ring doors. You know when you can see the criminal on your porch? Guys, I am coming up with some gems today. Let's go to Jay in Massachusetts. He says all the Mexicans have fresh haircuts.

What? Jay, Jay, explain, please. What's going on, Nick? Please explain.

What's going on, Nick? Long time fan. What's going on? Come on, Jay. Pick up the pace. Lay so hard

life's so go ahead life's so rough for them where they're from you know how they got all these nice

haircuts I gotta be honest with you I didn't notice the haircuts I'm over here with takes a couple

months for me to get a nice haircut and I'm over here in the states what's going on with that I don't know maybe It takes a couple months for me to get a nice haircut. And I'm over here in the States. What's going on with that? I don't know. Maybe El Supercutto they have over there.

I have no idea. I did not notice the haircuts. But I take your bigger point. Some of them look pretty well off. You know? Those two little kids you just saw, they had very expensive diapers on. I can tell you that much. But yeah, they're coming coming over here you know why they're coming over here folks to suck off the government titty and you middle-class americans you're gonna pay for it all

oh there's this did you do that how did you circle that it is a function in the program holy shit dude can i see a circle It's like you're like John Madden with a telestrator. That's a zone defense right there. Bang, right there. There's the haircut he's talking about, Joe's talking about. That is not a bad cut.

Sort of looks like mine. Holy shit, that is me. That's me in Times Square. That's a sidewalk around fucking Thanksgiving. Look at a Yankees hat. You know how much a Yankees hat costs? Every criminal, by the way, in New York City,

anybody commits a crime, I swear to God, 8 out of 10 pictures, they're wearing the fucking you. They've done more for the Yankees emblem than fucking Mickey Mantle ever will. But not a bad haircut but the point is and the other point is if you put on MSNBC, CNN, ABC Stephanopoulos, meet the press

they always show the mother with the two kids they don't say that the 4,000 people behind them are males between the ages of 18 and 22 anyways don't believe the propaganda. 833- 599-6425.

Incoming government. Mexico's incoming government. They just had an election over there, apparently. I'd like to see how that works. They throw a rock at somebody, whoever aligned somebody. Mexico's incoming government says it does not plan to assume the role of safe third country for migrants seeking asylum in the u.s after andres

manuel lopez operador is sworn in as president on december 1st incoming interior minister olga sanchez says in a statement said it is no agreement of any sort between the incoming mexican government and the uh and the U.S. government. Because a few days ago, Trump was saying, we've made a deal where we catch people that are sneaking in between ports, and they're going to be kept. And we made a deal with Mexico, and Mexico has agreed those people will be held on the Mexican side until the asylum process is completed. And that's what the Mexicans said, and

now this incoming government is saying, no, we never agreed to that. So, I don't know who the fuck's lying, but why would you listen to Mexico's government? They can't keep people coming in from South, from Central America. You fucking people.

You have no idea how to defend a nation. You call that a nation? The Washington Post reported Saturday that the administration of Donald Trump has won support, this was on Saturday, from the president-elect's team for asylum seekers to wait in Mexico while their claims

move through the process, the U.S. courts. Because you know how it works now, and during Obama and everybody else before him, if you get a foot on American soil doesn't matter legally, illegally even if you're illegal what happens is and there's lawyers down there

fucking instructing them on what to say but if you get a foot they would detain you give you a citation to show up in court and they would never show up and disappear into the United States. Catch and release, it was called. And Trump says, we're putting a fucking end to that. And on Saturday,

the Mexican government said, yeah, we'll help you. And now they're saying, kiss my white, my brown ass. So, uh, it's unbelievable. So Trump's threatening to shut down the border permanently. I want to see it! Even if you don't believe it, don't you want to see what would happen?

If you notice all the footage today, you don't see many American military. But I see some girl on TV going, but that proves that the Border Patrol can handle it. Nobody hurt uh over the weekend nobody yeah that's just there's only a couple thousand there's another five thousand on the way how can you look at that footage and go that's not a fucking invasion unless again you're

intellectually dishonest which everybody in the media is on the left. Let's be fucking honest. Anyhow, let's move on. Those people will be here soon. They'll be knocking on your door. Critics, this one got me. Critics are slamming ABC's A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. This show's been on since the 70s. Now it's a problem.

Proceeding its only black character, character Franklin alone on one side of the holiday table in a rickety old fucking lawn chair I didn't look at that oh my aching ass and why are they all eating Trump's dick?

That would be my question. That's what I'm upset about. There's an orange penis on the plate, described perfectly by Stormy Daniels. But look at, why is this racist? If you had to choose where to sit at that table, I don't know about you, when I'm on a plane, I'm fighting for the armrest

the whole goddamn flight. He's over there, like the king of fucking Jordan. Why is this racist? I don't understand. This ain't, oh, you know, it looks like segregation and whatever the fuck, okay. And I say segregation now, segregation tomorrow,

and segregation forever. Hey! I know what you did. You're a damn pedophile. All right, just get the hell out of here, huh? I got a goddamn campaign to do. Oh! The thing about this story, folks, is Charles Schultz, the creator of Peanuts, he was ahead of his time racially.

He insisted on having a black character when it wasn't popular. And again, you'll find that if you read the real media and put it in full context. He's actually a pioneer saying, hey, I want a black character to reflect the times. And like I said, on thanksgiving i would have killed for that fucking side of the table jesus christ look at that all the elbow room in the world again the lawn chair i have a problem with who the fuck yeah they could have made it really racist and, you know, fucking put some broken bottles and dirt behind them and, you know, Detroit suburb, suburb. But I think the guy has the best seat at the house and

look at poor, uh, Linus. Linus is going through chemo and radiation. Apparently. Did you see that float? The Macy's Day Parade? That's what I tweeted. Linus is going through a... It's the chemo float. Anyhow, any super chaps? No, really? Son of a gun. I need the cash.

But Peppermint Patty, who's gay, by the way, in my my opinion charlie brown who's on the fence sally and even snoopy all seated and comfortable seats as they feasted of course social media outrage over the gang's highly unwoke picnic table supposed to be unwoke in 1970 when they, 71 when they did it. Listen to a few of the comments on social media.

Not watching Charlie Brown Thanksgiving anymore until they sit some people on the same side of the table as Franklin. Another critic tweeted, along with two black power style fist emojis. At one point, Paul Lonesome Franklin topples over in his half-broken chair.

Yeah, because he's eaten so much. He's never had a full belly. They give our friend the busted chair and won't even sit on the same side of the table. More proof that Charlie Brown and his cohorts are racist. Slam Twitter user, at MWizzy128. But others defended that, whatever,

making the point I made, that Charles Schultz said we need a black character. Don't give him any credit, though, do you? Is everything racism with you people? What do you mean by you people? You know, liberals and people of color. Not all of them, by the way.

Again, the media, don't get me wrong, I'm aware the media pits us against each other Again, the media, don't get me wrong, I'm aware the media pits us against each other. The mainstream media, which is an arm of the Democrat Party, which has perfected, what? Identity politics. They all work, they work hand in hand.

Meanwhile, every day, like I said, you get out South, you see people having breakfast, black and white people sitting down, a lot more than up north. I've made this point many times. George in Georgia. George, tell us why this is a racist thing, this Charlie Brown thing.

What's up, George? Welcome to the show. It's clearly racist. How do you not see that? I just explained how I not see it. There's too many black people in there. Oh, I forgot.

It's Georgia. I'm sorry. Oh, Georgia. You got me, pal. You got me. I disagree.

You got to have one. Look, I had Patrice. It looks like Patrice. When I had my cookouts with the comedians. Only Patrice would, that chair would not support Patrice. But yeah, we'd all sit across from him. Only because we all wanted to listen to what he had to say about my cooking.

There's too many black. Oh my God. I can't believe I walked into that one. That was well done. Well played, my friend. Speaking of well played, you see the Tiger Phil Mickelson show now for nine mil? We get people rushing the border,

supposedly fleeing poverty and violence, and meanwhile, Phil and Tiger are teeing off. He wins nine million dollars. You wonder why people want to get in here? My goodness. Anyhow. Twitter's at it again. They are the worst.

And by the way, and I don't tweet a lot because there's no use to have my point of view politically and go on Twitter because you're just going to get savaged so i don't i i'll plug gigs and stuff the most part so i admit i'm not very active on it which i think you have to be if you want to add fall oh like i said when i first got

on and i would add followers automatically without even doing anything without posting now i get up they did somebody's fucking with my head. I get to 102,000. As soon as I get to 102,000, I'm not fucking shitting you. The next day it would start. It'd drop 50. Next day I'd have to hit 50. Down. I'll lose a couple thousand in a couple week period.

And then maybe something will happen. Like I'll get punched in the face at a comedy club. You know, it has to be something like that. My fucking, my dog dies and I take pictures of it. That would add 50. But, uh,

yeah, I'm sure. I know I'm being fucking shadow band and, and Twitter's just Jack Dorsey, Jack Dorsey. You know, he's the CEO, and he's gay, by the way.

Nick, why does that matter? Because that's how he sees life. He sees himself as a victim, and he sees who? Who victimizes him? Straight white males. How do they vote? Mostly Republican.

There's such an anti-conservative bias. It's not even... He admitted to it, and then he changes his mind. He's talking out of both sides of his mouth when he doesn't have a dick in one side. Nick, you shouldn't go there. I just did! And I will continue! God damn it!

I'm sick of it! I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take this anymore! Ryan, don't cry. I'm talking about your people. Focus. I was mentioning to Jason, my dad gets shadow banned. Your dad did? Yeah, so...

Why? His comments don't show up on left-wing media anymore. When he, like, comments on something and tries to disprove them, they hide him. Well, when you get shadow banned,

your followers don't see it. You tweet stuff thinking your followers, and they're not seeing it. So I don't think they did. I guess they could select. But I would think they'd want that shit on left wing so they could savage your dad. But why? Is your dad like a Republican? Yeah, he's a Republican.

Is he really? He tried to defriend Trump on Twitter. How does he feel about your sexuality? Does he know about it? Yeah. How does he feel about your sexuality? Uh. Does he know about it? Yeah. How's he feel? This is interesting. This is great radio. What? It's a mixed bag.

It's a mixed bag. Yeah, that's what makes him nervous. That was a perfect answer, Ryan. It's a mixed bag. You know, big snatch. It's all in a bag. Good for you. Don't take no shit off nobody. Why am I bringing up Twitter?

Twitter permanently bans feminists. I'll repeat that. Twitter permanently bans feminists for writing that men aren't women. This is when libs start eating libs. Last week, the social media giant permanently banned Megan Murphy, a writer based in British Columbia, for critiquing transgender ideology online. Fucking queers! No need to talk like that.

The platform repeatedly suspended her account for this, and then ultimately banned her last week, saying such behavior violated rules against hateful conduct. Oh, I didn't even know. Thank you. Nice going, Jace. That's Megan Murphy. She looks like a Murphy. She looks like a cross between Carrot Top and Chelsea Clinton. You are correct, sir! Nice skin. I like redheads.

Yeah. Violated its rules against hateful... There it is again. And I pointed out on Tough Crowd. Anytime a lib disagrees, somebody left, just disagreeing. Doesn't matter what you're talking about.

They label you a hater. They used to do it kiddingly. Oh, you're a hater of this and that. But now it's turned into. So please disregard the word hate, it's the most overused word, that and community and healing. Get rid of those three in the political lexicon, because they don't mean anything anymore.

The platform repeatedly suspended her account for this, and then ultimately banned her last week saying such behavior. Here's a sample of the tweets Twitter required Murphy to delete as objectionable before allowing her access back to her account. Again, keep in mind

Jack Dorsey is gay. So, you know, it's like the race thing. White people don't talk about black people. Doesn't matter the context. Stay in your own fucking lane. Doesn't matter if it's positive or negative. Now this is the LGBTQ community. Fucking letters drive me nuts.

They don't want you. She's just saying. She says, this is Megan Murphy talking. For the record, this dominatrix, which I guess she is, was also one of those behind the... Oh, no, Megan Murphy talking. For the record, this dominatrix, which I guess she is, was also one of those behind the... Oh, no, she's talking about this guy who's a trans woman. She's talking about him saying,

for the record, this dominatrix, in quotes, was also one of those behind the push to get BC Fed to boycott and defund Vancouver rape relief, Canada's longest-standing rape crisis. He is actively working to take away women's services and harm the feminist movement. So these are the ones that they made her take down.

Then she said, so at BlogHer, pulled revenue from a feminist site because a white man who spends his energy, meaning the trans woman, a guy who thinks he's a woman, spends his energy promoting the sex trade as empowering for women and targeting trying to silence defund women's shelters female activists and feminist media uh told them to this is lisa

croit at list ping lisa the male a bd smr who was given a platform to promote prostitution at the vancouver woman's March this year, who led efforts to defund Vancouver's rape, blah, blah, blah. She was forced by Twitter to take those down. This is a guy who says he's a woman now. And she's saying biologically he's not, and blah, blah. And that he's hurting the feminist effort. What is insane to me, she says, though, is that while Twitter knowingly permits graphic

pornography and death threats on the platform, I have reported countless violence threats, the vast majority of which have gone unaddressed. They won't allow me to state very basic facts, and this is what got her booted permanently, such as men aren't women. This is hardly an abhorrent thing to say, nor should it be considered hateful, exactly right, to ask questions about the notion that people can change sex or ask for explanations about transgender ideology. She's not an idiot either. She actually has a

master's in women's studies, so she's not a fucking, just an idiot out there shooting her mouth off. And again, Twitter reveals itself, once again, to be far left. Her tweets called out Croit, that's the Mahishi, for trying to boycott and defund Vancouver Rape League.

Twitter didn't care what the feud was about or that it was legitimate and fact-based. They only cared about the fact that Croit was transgender and decided to define disputes about transgenderism as hate speech. Twitter also recently banned deadnaming. You know what that is? The practice of referring to trans person by his or her legal name or birth name. This also likely played a role in

Murphy suspensions and ultimate ban. Deadnaming is merely mentioning the christened name of a person as given by their parents if that person has subsequently changed their name as part of declaring a different gender identity. So you can be booted off Twitter for that. But they don't lean left in their

politics. There's no bias there. Are you fucking kidding me, Jack Dorsey? You're lying. And you're a piece of shit. Murphy said her account was blocked again on November 15th. She was told she must delete tweets

that read women aren't men and how are trans women not men? What is the difference between a man and a trans woman? Murphy deleted the tweets to regain access to her account. However, at this point, she was angry and tweeted, this is fucking bullshit at Twitter. I'm not allowed to say that men aren't women

or ask questions about the notion of transgenderism at all anymore? No, you're not. Believe it or not. But this is the interesting part. So she's a lefty. She's a feminist. This is what we love. Fucking libs eating libs. Okay? But she's

coming around. She's finally seeing the light and someday the rest of you fuckers will... Look, I'm so excited. Dropping my glasses. Dropping my glasses. And the article says, of course, Twitter is a private company. It can do whatever it likes,

but they have built themselves as an open platform, one that welcomes debate, ideas, and sharing, which is total horseshit. This is what she says, Megan Murphy. I no longer believe leftist positions,

which she's a lefty, are necessarily most right or most ethical. I no longer believe everyone on the right is wrong about everything. I do not believe all those on the right necessarily have ill intentions and suspect that many, like those on the left,

believe they are working towards a better world. End quote. So she's a lefty who didn't come around until she felt the brunt of a big tech firm like Twitter, a left-wing giant, Jack Dorsey, gay, shutting down her right to debate and to speak. Now she sees what the Mark Levens of the world,

or even me, who leans a little right, gets shadow banned. Now she believes it all. Well, welcome to the fucking new world. I don't know how long it's going to take for the rest of you to come around to convert you to fucking... You're the victim of left-wing fascism, Miss Murphy. That's all it is.

You can't even... She just wanted to have debates about transgenderism on Twitter. Asking questions. And that's not allowed. Stay in your own lane. Jack Dorsey's just a fucking liar hope he doesn't hear that I'll be down to 11 followers in two weeks

let me prove that he's full of shit in August Dorsey admitted to CNN that social media in general has a left leaning bias a month later he told Congress that political ideology didn't drive the company's policies yet in an interview just days later Dorsey said he told Congress that political ideology didn't drive the company's policies. Yet, in an interview just days later, Dorsey said he was aware that in his company, conservative employees don't feel safe to express their opinion. You're lying.

And you're a piece of shit. Fucking quiz! Don't talk like that, I told you. don't talk like that. I told you. Anyways, I hope, um,

eventually they'll start eating more of each other and people will come around and wake up and smell the fucking coffee. And I've been saying this ad nauseum for the last 10, all the censorship and the political correct shit that you and I hate. And that pizza that comes from the left, 95% of it. They always want to point out, what about the, you know what, born-again Christians, the evangelists?

Yeah, they had power in the fucking 50s. But I've yet to hear about a radio or a talk show host who lost their job because they were way too fucking liberal. Point that out to me. And when you do point it out, I'll point out a hundred that go the other way. So,

uh, Twitter, I can get your shit together. Jack Dorsey, you have a, uh, John, this view of the world.

That's all I'm going to say. I got to get out of here. I have to head to Brooklyn right now, which is about 45 miles away. And it's raining like a doubleunted cow pissing on a flat rock as my boss used to say when I worked at the damn state mental institution as a groundskeeper.

That's a fucking phrase that he used to say. Anyhow, that is it. Thank you guys so much. I guess if I covered everything, go to nickdip.com. Come see me at the Quantum Comedy Club this weekend in Niagara Falls, Ontario, go to nickdip.com. Come see me at the Quantum Comedy Club this weekend in Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada, Friday

and Saturday night. Two shows each night. Go to nickdip.com for all your ticket information and for other tour dates. Last three shows I've done have been sold out at two different venues. I'm hoping that this show is helping. And that's

about it. I've got to call Owen Benjamin back. Somebody mentioned that he wanted to. He's open. He's obviously open invitation to this show anytime. But I've been real busy at home. What with a dog

and its fucking bad kidneys costing me three grand. I'll give it kidneys. Give it kidney beans laced with broken glass. What? Jason actually got hurt in his eye. He's such a sweet kid.

It's unbelievable. Now he just went like this. All right, that is it. Remember, you guys think it. I will say it. I will talk to you Patreon members tomorrow. Take care of yourselves. A little something for you. © BF-WATCH TV 2021 I'm going to go ahead and do that. Bye.