The Nick DiPaolo Show - Shut your mouth

Episode Date: August 2, 2018

Trump calls out Sessions's "Witch Hunt." Obama snubs Ocasio. And Politco's Caputo has a fresh take on "Deplorable."

🎵 I'm out. Letters I've written, never meaning to send Beauty I've always missed, with these eyes before Just what the truth is, I can't say anymore Cause I love you, yes I love you, I love you. That goes out to you, my fans. How are you? Welcome to the show. There's more to that song.

Shut that goddamn door. Let's focus. Uh-oh, there's Ryan. What's the matter, Ryan? You forget to do that? That's Ryan, ladies and gentlemen. We have a camera that you have to focus every three seconds. That's good.

Right there. I don't see what I do see what you're doing I'm looking at myself and I look just fabulous you just ruined my big singing opening with this he's showing the one that's not he doesn't this is the one in preview this is great this is the type of people don't want to see but we we air warts and all. Am I on right now or not? You're on. You're on.

This is you. So what are you doing? I'm fixing camera one. Why? Am I there? Hi. How do I look out there, folks? This is good.

They see this. This is Ryan's way of getting on camera. He's famous now. All right, dude. We're not doing the fucking vagina monologues. Come on, twinks. Anyways. Want me to play the camera, too?

What are you focusing one for? Oh, fix it. My fucking God. It's been almost a month, guys. I'll get two Asian girls in here in their late teens in bathing suits that'll fucking blow it out of the water. You're good. There we go. We good?

Yep. I mean, how could you fuck up that face? Look at that. It's fucking stunning. 888-599-NICK. 888-599-6425. Just did a nice musical number, and it was Shatterpon. I try my best for you folks.

Let's get to the important shit, my dates. Monday, August 6th, 9. 55 p.m the original comedy seller on mcdougall street the next night same time the original comedy seller wednesday august 8th the village underground at 9 45 saturday september 1 the fat black pussycat saturday september 8th the fat black pussycat those are on the weekends. Friday and Saturday, September 14th and 15th, The Arlington Drafthouse. Arlington, Virginia. What a gig. I love it.

And then Friday, September 21st, The Orpheum Theater in Flagstaff, Arizona. If it isn't burned down. Holy shit, the West Coast. It's like somebody poured gasoline on toilet paper. Saturday, September 29th. I think it's a Saturday. Coast, it's like somebody poured gasoline on toilet paper. Saturday, September 29th. I think it's a Saturday. Yes, it is. The fat black pussycat again.

I'm a little, I can't wait to do the original Comedy Cellar again, where I cut my teeth. I told you that last night. That's the room. That is the room where all the shit was. That's the room where Louis C.K. shot his show. It's where me and Louis came down as a couple of young Boston comics, cut our teeth in that room when there was nobody there.

And then tough crowd came along and me, Colin, Geraldo, O'Neal, Keith Robinson, Norton, down there every night, blew that place up. So much so that I don't have to pay for a drink or a meal in that place ever again or any of the fat black pussycat, any of the related rooms. So if you're in the area, come on out. They let me smoke, but I might, out of respect,

I might not smoke, okay? Out of respect to who? The whiny bitches. The minute you light up a cigarette, you see this cunty look all over about, I'd say, one-eighth of the audience's faces. And they do that fake cough and shit and it's really irritating.

Let me put it this way. If my cigarette that's lit for four minutes gives you cancer, I'll pay for the treatments. I'll remove the shit myself with a spork. I'll cut the fucking lump right out of your ass. Deal? Deal! 888- move the shit myself with a spork i'll cut the fucking lump right out of your ass deal deal 888-599-6425 is the phone number i don't know how much longer we're going to keep that number

because the company that gave it to us kind of fucked us in the original ad it said unlimited minutes what does that mean to you unlimited minutes And then there's 30 pages of tiny print where they say there's a 2,500-minute cap. And that was discovered by my three lawyers. Bob Muller. Yeah. So the old switch and bait. And I had somebody get on the phone because I can't control myself. I get on the phone when somebody's trying to fuck me. I't mean the sex lines I mean actually trying to fuck me out of

money I can't keep my temper and um the minute you lose your shit anyways we'll probably be switching there'll be a new number very similar to this one for you people that are all right you enjoy the new tier? We repriced the tier. The first two, Fredo, no longer $7,499. Sonny, no longer $15,999. And the Michaels. You can't lower the Michaels.

Those people. It's Michael Corleone. It's not personal. It's just business, Sonny. Nights in White's Hat. It's stuck in my head, folks. It's like that fucking 1-800-CARS-FOR-KIDS song. I'm going to end up fucking with that in my head the day I go.

Those are the dates. Two shout-outs for people who just signed up for the Michael level. Andrew Funk, a Marine, by the way. Semper Fi, Andrew, thank you so much. Chris Wemuler. Oh, Wemuler. Sorry if I'm butchering that. I didn't grow up in Nazi Germany.

Thank you guys so much signing up for the Michael Corleone level, even after the two other tiers were discounted. That's a kind of dough. I have sort of like Stern. I have fans anywhere from 18 to 69. So if these people that are in the TV business fucking realize that, they jump all over me. But they're not paying attention. This sister's ass.

Real quick, we got Bucks in wisconsin i mentioned the dog story my dog escaped on a highway and ended up going to the pcs kql jujube community to save the dog and uh another dog three weeks prior in my neighborhood a little yorkie just like my ran out there during fourth of july fireworks and ended up getting crushed, unfortunately, by a truck. So just to bring you up to date on what Bucks wants to talk about. Bucks, welcome to the show. How are you? Hey, so I'm a big fan of yours.

I think I saw you on, like, Gutfeld Show once. Yes. A while back. Yes. I've been obsessed with you since. Thank you very much. I must have looked good that night. Go ahead.

But I was thinking about, because I got to listen to the podcast today instead of on Monday. That's all right. And in Milwaukee, there was a whole big trial about how the ASPCA got caught. And I know they're the national and you were with the local guys. But they got caught doing an unlawful search and seizure of the house. So when they're doing one of these save raids, the fucks forgot that that's illegal. They were doing an illegal search of whose house? Just some guy.

They were going in there stealing his dogs, but it was completely illegal. Why were they? And, you know, it made me start thinking. Why were they aware of this guy in the first place? No fucking idea. But a big lawsuit got up for it. Yep. A bunch of people got fired.

Yep. Go ahead. No, I'm waiting for you. You finished? But it made me... Nah. But it made me think that liberals in general general they're always like we know what's best for you like the chick with your dog she knew what was better for your dog and it was

i guess not to be with you anymore right well i mean when she said do you want me to give your dog back or not uh you know i i again thank god i've matured but if that was if i was drinking 10 years ago i would have jumped over the counter and fucking wrestled her and felt good about it she was about my size and and again i'm not poo-pooing what they do for a living but you're absolutely right i mean don't tell me she votes the same way I do she's working at an animal shelter okay and I can make that fucking prejudgment and thank god this young Asian woman came out and even saw that you know I was sort of in the right

there and but yeah they know better than you whether it comes to race whether it comes to politics it comes to your dog what kind of fucking toilet you should have in your house yes that's the world we're living in. And I just wish the Civil War would kick off before I'm too old.

Too late, fella? Hey, man, I'm too young for that. All right. Hey, good call, Bucks. I appreciate you jumping in right at the top of the show. Talk to you real soon, buddy. Beautiful. I'm holding a pee right now.

Came out of nowhere. I pissed a nanosecond before the show started, and here it is again. Fellas, you'll have this someday. Got the prostate of Hyman Roth. I'd give a million dollars to piss without it hoiding. Let's get to it, shall we? What'd I do with...

What the hell's all my stories? I brought them down, right? Ha ha. Can you... Come on out here and find them. Somebody run upstairs and look in the fucking... Whatever the... Did I really...

I come down here without my... I don't know. I'm fucking losing my mind. I took Lorazepam last night to knock me out, which... No, no, no, no, no, no. And I left them in here? No, no, no. Get the fucking...

I have highlights and notes all over them. Go upstairs and look. Have the... Thank you. Were they upstairs? Yeah go upstairs and look have the uh thank you were they upstairs yeah yeah look into the camera pretty boy oh jesus christ can't you can't uh say i never hire gay people What do we got here? Oh, nice thumbprint. Jesus H.

Can you tell I was busy? Right before the show, I was out. I was out, you know, picking corn and baling hay. Barack Obama. God, what, did somebody come on these glasses? Every time I put these on, it's like some 12 year old just had him at his birthday party and threw him in the cake. Barack Obama releases list of Democratic midterm endorsements. Guess who he left out?

Ocasio-Cortez, you know, the 28-year-old Hispanic girl who beat some incumbent here in New York and she's a fucking self-avowed socialist and everybody's diddling themselves to her. Well, if you can't get the endorsement of a socialist, you're not a socialist. Maybe he's more of a Marxist. People are going, where's Barack been hiding? Well, you know, Trump got more done in the first 490 days than he did in eight years i'd be fucking hiding too nice feller i'm sure i'd love to play hoops

with him i like i like to see him going for a layup and i'd fucking submarine him you know he cut his legs out anyways anyways the former president released a list of 81 candidates on twitter today in elections as large in scale as governor by the way gubernatorial race in new york that's cuomo versus cynthia nixon remember her on sex in the city the redhead yeah that's that's where we are in new york cuomo who's to the fucking left of stalin running against cynthia nixon who's to the left of cu Stalin running against Cynthia Nixon, who's to the left of Cuomo. What a pig fuck this is. Well,

you know what? He didn't even weigh in on either one of those. Maybe he will later. Um, but I, I, I just love that he, he snubbed this broad.

I, I, I don't know why I, I, I, I, I, I don't know why.

Uh, this is a Barack talk and I'm confident that, they'll strengthen this country we love by restoring opportunity. Restoring opportunity. Unemployment's at record lows, stupid. Under Trump. And I don't want to hear the shit it has to do with his economy. The guy piled on more regulations than my sister's ass, okay? So there was no opportunity, according to the unemployment rates.

Everybody was on government cheese when you were running the show. Repairing our fundamental commitment to justice fairness responsibility and the rule of law by, you know, by condemning cops and having Eric Holder, the most racist attorney general ever, weigh in on everything. You know, upholding the law. Fucking Baltimore is burning every time you put on the TV. This is just the first wave of endorsements from 44 for these midterms, but it leaves out a few pretty large names,

including New York's rising star socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Cortez gained quick fame after defeating Democratic establishment candidate Joe Crowley in the race for New York's 14th congressional district. She campaigned with Bernie Sanders for a Democratic primary candidate in Kansas and is a vocal champion of human rights, speaking out about injustices on the campaign trail and on social fucking media. By the way, under Obama and his eight years, the Democrats lost over a thousand legislative seats.

So if I'm running and he doesn't endorse me, I'm not too fucking worried about it. Okay. Nobody did more damage to that fucking, the Democrat Party than this. Mama Luke. Am I right? I'm fucking dead right. But I love the fact that he didn't weigh in. By the way, Miss Cortez, she's blown a few interviews.

She's not so hot right now. She admitted she knows nothing about the Palestinian conflict in the Middle East. And, you know, she looks like the 28-year-old Latina that she is. But long as she hates this fucking country, that's all it takes for Obama not to weigh in. That's surprising, you know. Maybe it's not because a lot of people, friends of mine who are libs hated obama because they didn't think he was left enough can you imagine that twinks anyways

miss cortez i don't know that's not a good sign I don't know. That's not a good sign. Fucking Bernie out there in his late hundreds. I was just handed this by my crack staff, Jason. So I'll do this off the cuff here. University of Georgia journalism dean forced to apologize for having a Republican friend. The dean of Journalism

and Mass Communications at the University of Georgia was forced to apologize because he tweeted out a congratulatory message to a friend who just so happens to be the state's

Republican candidate for governor. Charlie Davis was reportedly a high school classmate of Brian Kemp who won Georgia's Republican primary last week,

earning the right to represent the GOP in the state's gubernatorial elections this fall. Davis called Kemp, who won Georgia's Republican primary last week, earning the right to represent the GOP in the state's gubernatorial elections this fall. Davis called Kemp. They probably bugged it. I called him a nice guy and kind to a fault, despite their political agreements. He said, I went to high school, the GOP guy candidate at Brian Kemp. We played basketball from childhood. Politics be damned.

He's a nice guy, always was kind to a fault he's a friend that always has been and will be when we're older and grayer that's how all this should work people amen amen fella but his campus reform notes leftists on twitter were weren't willing to embrace davis's conciliatory. They lashed out at him for reaching across the aisle, accusing him of abetting racism. It always goes back to fucking race. That's all they fucking have. That's all they have is fucking race and gender. Talk about pitting people against each other. Yeah, he abets racism and failing to recognize his own white privilege.

Hey, suck my fucking white European balls with your white privilege. I'll go to the fucking comedy cell tonight and make $30 just like all the black, brown, Asian, Indian, gay comedians. Okay? After 30 years with 10 times the resume. So fucking blow me with that stuff. It's unbelievable. You know, it could only catch on traction like that if you have 24-hour news coverage mainstream media repeating that for the last five years and it gets traction keep fucking keep kicking out that lie if you say it enough people will believe in it can you imagine this guy's in trouble for having a

republican friend you guys are fascist pigs on the left. Why don't you just admit to it? This is what they said about him. You're a straight white man. Of course he was nice and kind to you. Racists are generally nice to their own kind, one Twitter troll replied. Don't call him a troll. That could be Maxine fucking Waters or anybody in the Democrat Party.

Who are you shitting? Why don't you say what you really mean? Politics be damned. You'd never vote for a black woman. Oh, it's a black woman he's running against. And would much rather vote for the white racist. Oh. The dean has the luxury of damning politics because no politician threatening his rights, safety, or survival. Please point to an example where white politicians are threatening black people's survival.

Please. Fucking please. Anyways. Knights in white satin oh that's racist never reaching the end all black people victims oh boy the good news is davis didn't receive any blowback from his colleagues, but the social media pressure was enough to force him to rethink his statement, so he apologized.

And here's where you're a ball of sack of cheese, Mr. fucking Dave. Here's where you empower these trolls and these left-wing sanctimonious suckers of Satan's cock when you fucking apologize. Ow, my eye! I'd like to apologize to anyone offended by my tweet shout out to Brian Kemp it was ill-timed and poorly written

I've read and learned so much from you all and will endeavour to be more thoughtful eat a bag of shit you know what you're as evil as they fucking say you are is that not the saddest my two white co-workers what the fuck?

You know who we need? A little old school, old cranky white guy. Guy comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. I guess I'll have to spread my legs now, she says. Why, he asks. Don't you have a vase? That's a hashtag me too moment if I've ever heard it give me a fucking you don't apologize

you don't give in unless you're a politician and you're white and spineless do you understand you'll get more votes if you don't apologize after saying something wrong i mean when does it i mean i feel like trying to reach across the aisle and be cordial to each other is something people should want most people do there's only a certain segment that doesn't it's called the democrat party that's one thing you give them credit for they're like fucking they're like the it reminds me of the north korean army you ever see them they like how they march fucking fucking lock barrel. They look like the,

what are those dances you go to see at Christmas in New York City? The Nutcracker? Not the Nutcracker. What are the, you know, the girls I'm talking about.

They all kick their leg up at the same time. That's the, that's the Democrat Party. Un-fucking-believable, but, but when you, when you apologize, you're just empowering them. Fuck them. Fuck them in their ears. He congratulated his white Republican friend.

That makes him a fucking racist and everything else. Nobody's buying it anymore. Hey, dick faces on the left. Trump won because of this shit so keep it going keep it coming we have a blonde haired blue-eyed white billionaire in office so all your identity horseshit over the last eight years under obama it all backfired you lost over a thousand seats so i mean uh you know let's go to Alex in Dallas. Alex, how are you? Welcome to the show, fella.

Doing good, Nick. How are you? I'm fucking sick of this planet, but go ahead. Yeah, same here, and I'm only 27, so at least you're almost out of here. I'm not. Oh, Jesus, Alex. Yeah, it's not good. Not looking too good over here. But you just mentioned a second ago that you wanted someone to point to you one example of a white politician threatening the survival of black people.

Yeah. that happens all the time and on the right because the right is against, or they don't believe, so to speak, in climate change or global warming or whatever. And if global warming does take place, there's going to be water all over the place. And as we know, black people can't swim. Holy shit, Alex.

That's kind of generalizing. I have a few black friends. I've never seen them swim. I've got to be honest with you. I was at a pool party, and they were both wearing tuxedos. I'm like, what the fuck? That was brutal. No, but you know, you kind of make the climate change thing,

and not everybody on the right does not. You know, I believe it's fucking changing. But all those black and brown countries over in Africa and everybody migrating here, there's a whole theory about because of climate change and where they live, everything's burning out. So in the end, we'll save them anyways. But that was a nice kind of a racist joke, Alex. And that's why I haven't played. I got to get down to Dallas.

Thanks for calling, buddy. All right. That is not true, by the way. Although, see if you guys can pull this up. All right. Pull up Joe Frazier, the boxer, superstars competition pool. Put that in. That was in the 70s.

Give you an idea how old I am. And he almost proved that theory which I think is nonsense swimming takes athletic ability which black people have all over white people there's only a few black hockey players in NHL and you know what they're fucking all above average

I've heard theories on this swimming thing about muscle density and shit it's kind of ridiculous. Let's go to Rick in New Jersey. He wants to talk about Ocasio-Cortez. Ricky, what's happening? Hey, Nick, how are you? We've actually met before.

I was a bartender at the old Rascals in West Orange. I always loved your accent. You're one of the funniest guys going. Holy shit, a bartender at Rascals in West Orange, New Jersey, which was one of the nicest clubs to this day. I've been doing this 30 years. Had the best sound system,

Rick, and they had the best food upstairs. And I missed that gig. I got chlamydia from four girls there. Go ahead. Your thoughts. I think this brought a caveat. She only got elected. There's like 2,300 people showed up for it all. Excuse me?

Go ahead. Rick. Hello? Go ahead. You're on. I'm hearing a commercial. You're hearing a commercial? Fellas, what's going on in there?

Get your shit together. What are you hearing? I'm hearing some swim meet. Oh, you guys, then forget about the clip. Apparently, you know. Go ahead, Rick. Guys, forget about the clip. Go ahead.

Anyway, there was so few people that voted in this election for her in this primary. It was probably guys who just wanted to get a little crazy chick sex at the school she went to. So they were voting for her to try and get in their pants. You remember how it's like banging crazy chicks, right? It's a lot of fun. I really don't. But that's quite a ways to go. Well, you make a good point.

Not that many people turned out. But she beat the fucking incumbent, that Crowley guy, and she was famous for five minutes, but what happened was she withered under the lights. They started to ask her about, you know, Palestinian and Jerusalem, and she knows nothing about that because most socialists and far left wing nuts, all they know is race and ethnicity. And if I could say it, I'm making fun of her intelligence. I can't even speak.

But she withered under the lights. You dig a little deeper. All those theories, when the rubber hits the road, everybody should get free health care and college and all that horse shit. You do the number crunching and none of it works. But she was out there with Bernie, pounded away. But you make a good point.

Very few people turned out, but it was enough to beat the incumbent. Hey, Rick, good hearing from you, man, and nice talking to you again. Good hearing from you, man. Keep killing it. All right. Take care. God, I love that gig. Rascals in West Orange, New Jersey.

What a tremendous club. No longer there. They had, like, a local show on TV on, like, New Jersey. What a tremendous club. No longer there. They had like a local show on TV on local cable. You'd do comedy there. They'd record it. They wouldn't tell you. They wouldn't ask you. And you wouldn't ask any questions because the guys that ran it look a lot

like Uncle Pauly and you know, fucking Silvio and a few of the people of the Bing. Get my drift? Fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh. Oh. Ah. California Luke wants to... It says jokingly, why I'm racist. Only somebody in California would see it that way.

Luke, how are you? Nick. What up, brother man? Here's what I don't understand. What's going on? Go ahead. Here's what I don't understand. You and on go ahead here's what i want to say you you and anthony yes two rich motherfuckers why why are you so racist why are you so bothered about

shit that doesn't even concern you why are you so concerned about the black community that's because i love the black community i want to help help you. I want you to get off the democratic. Oh, hold on, Luke. Hold on. You asked me a question. I'm going to fucking,

first of all, I'm not fucking rich. I'm doing a fucking TV show from home. How fucking rich do you think I am? Secondly, you're built to pay it on time. Nigga, that's,

that's rich to us. You know what? That's a different standard, but okay. If you're going to put it that way, I'm filthy rich. And, and, and you know what that's a different standard but okay if you're gonna put it that way i'm filthy rich and and and you know what luke i gotta be honest with you if i didn't have a if i didn't have because i pay my bills on time uh if i didn't apparently i don't the the the phone system that you and i are talking on right now they call they sent an email today saying hey you're almost at your cap as far as minutes go so so you better put up some more money. But no, I do pay my bills

on time. But why? Because I fucking work my balls off for 30 years, Luke. And then, you know, we're not fucking... What do we, motherfucker? What I don't understand, why do you get to get on a fucking radio program or your podcast? Yeah. Because, hey, first off,

I don't agree with them kicking off the exam i was mad at that no thank you i will i will say that but yeah you get on this radio program you talk all this shit and lie to like this is why i miss patrice is because he needs to go at it but yeah that's the problem i don't know i just have a problem with you and Anthony getting on these programs and I ought to apply it in a white man and this and that and all your work. It's like for us minorities, we are not just leeching off the system as you're making a team. And then you get all these.

Nobody says you're leeching off this. I'm more angry, Luke, with the white people that try to speak for you. I realize you and I, if you and I went out tonight and had drinks and shit, we'd get along just fine. And the reason Patrice loved me is because I'm a white guy who fucking dares to speak honestly to black people to their face. And now you're complaining about it. Well, no, i agree with that but yeah the thing i have a problem with is you getting these bum ass white guys who think they're on your level but they're just as broke as me who are just as bummy as me no yes who think they're better than

me they don't think they're better than you quit rolling those motherfuckers they they don't think they're better than you. They don't think they're better than you, but they're sick of the double standard. They get blamed for every problem that you have. It's white racism. We're tired of that shit. That's all.

You know? That's all. Hey, look. That's what I have a problem with, is when I'm going down the street and this Joe thinks that he's just, or he's better than me because he's white. Fuck you, no you're not. You are not the problem. You see a white, how do you know that he's thinking that?

You see a white guy in the street. How do you know he's thinking that? He's got a better car than you? That means he thinks he's better than you. No, no, no, no, no. No, I don't say when I see it. If that's what I said, I was mistaken. I don't like a guy who does think he's...

I don't know if a guy thinks he's better than me. I don't... Fuck him. I don't cheat. I'm just talking about the guys who want to... I'm talking about the guys who want to treat me differently because they're white. But they're just as bummed. They're doing what Anthony used to do, repairing air conditioning systems and shit.

What that should prove to you, Luke, is there is no white privilege. They're doing the same shitty jobs you are. So, I mean, how do you answer that? No, no, no, no. No? Because if the police were to deal with them and they were to ask them some questions, who the fuck the police gonna believe?

They're gonna believe Whitey because you guys act crazy around the police. Ah, what, what, okay. Fair enough, even if we do. That's no privilege. Motherfuckers, admit it. Okay, Luke, let me give you a little statistic. That's not me. Okay, let me give you a little statistic that's going to blow your theory right out of the water.

More white men were shot last year. More white guys were shot by white cops last year than black people. So, you know, there goes your cop theory. Hey, Nick. Yeah, brother. Statistic guy. How many white guys, there goes your cop theory. Hey, anyway. Hey, yeah, brother. Just pick the guy. How many white guys are there in America? Eleven. What percentage of America is white? Sixty eight. OK, not not percentage of people shot by white. Now, let me give you the answer. What percentage of the country is black? What percentage of uh the country is black what percentage of the country is black oh what percentage of people shot by cops were white it's fucking higher than uh it's not it's not it's probably not higher than the amount of black people because you commit a disproportion

amount of crime and that you can look up hold on you just try to name a statistic of people killed by cops that were white, and then you won't say how many people... No, I'm saying black people commit... You guys have trouble with percentages. He's going to go, what do you mean you guys? You know what I'm talking about. You're 13% of the population. You commit almost 65% of the violent crime in this country.

That's why you have so many run-ins with the cops. luke i gotta go i got a bunch of callers but call back this is my favorite this is my favorite call so far since we've been on the air call but i can't i get three more people lined up here okay well nick yeah if it's 60 are we committing 65 percent of the violent crime or are we charged with 65% of it? No, you're committing it. I see it every day. Because y'all niggas get away with it.

They are not patrolling your neighborhood, Nick. They don't. Do you have cops outside your door right now? No, you know why? My neighbor's not selling drugs and fucking shooting each other, Luke. No, because y'all weren't slaves, motherfuckers. We went from this

down to slavery, I mean, to the cops. God, you... All right, Loke. All right. Say goodbye to Massa Nick. I brought it up just to make you mad. But it is the truth. It isn't the truth. It is the truth. It isn't the truth.

It isn't the truth. Y'all have been calling us. Oh, you brainwashed. Luke, I got to go. I gave you five minutes. And I love you, Nick. I love you, Nick. Same here, man. Bye.

See that, Carl? See that? That's what this show's about. But again, you know, I get lumped in withony and shit we we're pointing out the double standards that's all we're not saying the white man has it tough and that's what liberals do even white liberals i know oh the poor white guy they always fall back on that horse shit and that's not what we're saying we're pointing out the double fucking standards anytime somebody of color fails in this country it's because of institutional racism

blah blah blah it's the same shit we've been hearing for 50 fucking years luke knows it patrice knew it that's why me and patrice get along so good black people like white people when the white people let them know where they stand and are honest about it and then i get labeled by other white people as racist so but we're just tired of the fucking double standard we go to work like everybody else i'm not fucking rich he said he saw a white guy on the street and he says he thinks he's better than i what the fuck uh you have to read people's minds i. 888-599-6425. Man, this piss is backing up into my teeth.

Let's stay on the category. Anytime my boy Patrice comes up, let's go to Joe in Maryland. Please be white. Joe, how are you? Oh, yeah. White as a ghost. Probably as liberal as a ghost. I wanted to ask you this. It's Merrill. as a ghost. Probably as liberal as a ghost. I wanted to ask you this. No, I...

It's Merritt. It's Merritt. Is that cool? Yeah, go. Go ahead. Okay, so I've always wanted to ask you this. Ever since I first heard you guys

speaking, it was... And don't just say it just because he's passed. Was Patrice a viable opponent when it came to political conversation? Your guys' banter was no doubt radio gold, but was he actually

genuinely, could you sit down and was he a viable like did you respect the way he argued back and forth? Not just the radio bit. Do you have a young boy tied up in your basement? No, it's my son. I'm running away from him.

Okay. Joe, get the kid! As far as Patrice. Go ahead. You wouldn't get into it politically with patrice it's more cultural 98 of the time it was about race but as far as is his theory in politics he would always say and and you know i agree to some extent but he'd always go it ain't about left and right it ain't about democrat and right. It ain't about Democrat versus Republican, man. There's like 10 people controlling the fucking world, and you're just playing their game, bup, bup, bup. And I used to say, well, show me the 10 fucking people.

Show me where the room is, and then I'll fucking buy into your theory. I've read the book, The Bilderberg Group and all that shit. But normally it was, again, the conversation when it came to Patrice, would always, like when you're talking to most black people, it would come down to race and shit. But he liked the fact that I'd be on national TV, I'd be on national TV saying shit that could hurt my career. And, and, and, uh, I always pointed out to him the double standard. He could get away with saying shit about women. When he talked about dating and gender, he could say shit and the crowd would laugh at it. And if I said the same exact

shit, i'd be labeled a misogynist so i would point out the double standards but he had the best laugh he was a smart guy he knew enough about politics but the the arguments were usually more macro you know they're more about bigger things like race and stuff but god do we miss that prick i've wanted to know that for years thank you you for that answer, man. You got it. Good call, man. Thank you. Take care.

Have a good one. All right. Beautiful. Once we got the YouTube audio out of the calls, this thing is right. I had the YouTube sliders down. I don't know how they were getting into the calls. Nobody knows. This is all fucking kabuki.

Nobody knows. Like I said, I'm jack parr this is 1950 it's the second day on tv that's all i'm saying to you i can hear you but you say it on air ryan ryan has a percentage just go ahead so i have percent i've got percentages of people you know shot by cops so um so white people make 62% of the population, 49% of the people killed by police officers. African Americans make 13% of the population, 24% of those shot by police officers.

Proving what? They commit more crime. At 13%, they should be below. If you go by disparate impact, where the numbers are supposed to match the population, that's the new thing. If your town is 11% Hispanic, the lefties want 11% Hispanics represented as far as cops, 11% schoolteachers. If your town is 41% black, they want 41% black school teacher, which is the silliest fucking thing instead of giving the person that is most qualified for the job.

It's called bean counting. But yeah, so more white people get shot, larger amount of white people, but when you do the percentages... The absolute numbers are 318 black, 560 white. There you go. That's what I said. Not accounting Hispanic people,

Asian people, whatever. Oh, we don't count them. They don't count. They're hardworking people. Anyways, this might be my favorite show. What's that, Ryan? So I think theoretically it should be 13% if it's 13% of the population. I'm not

sure. Alright. Good job. Guys are acting like real producers. You blew the big musical number, but you've come back nicely with relevant numbers and articles. Nick, we're not talking about what I'm drinking in Vegas. And Ben, tough crowd laughs versus applause. Uh, I might get to that. Uh, Troy on Patrice is, this is the last one on Patrice. I'm getting off topic here, but that's all right. I'll save the stories for another day. Troy, what's happening? Welcome to the show. Hey, thank you. Sorry. I just, I love hearing about Patrice. Uh, I just want to know what you think you would think of how this social justice

where you're at this year has really blown up nowadays. I mean, a friend and I had a theory that once he passed, he was really like the gatekeeper, and the floodgates really just busted open once he passed, and it's what it's become today. Why do you think he was the gatekeeper? Why not me, the white guy, who could blow his whole career? I'm the guy you should have been praising on Tough Crowd.

Patrice ain't going to get in trouble. He wasn't going to get in trouble for saying shit about white people because he's fucking black. I'm the one who risked my career. Seeing him stand up for John Imus. Seeing him stand up for John Imus the way he did is what really won me over. That's actually a legitimate point. But,

but I was the one taking all the risks, you know? And, uh, once he died, once he died, he became, and I love Patrice.

Patrice, we got along great. He was this funny, more funny offstage. You get into a verbal, he was like a fucking third degree black belt. Colin Quinn, summed it up perfectly.

You get an argument with Patrice, you'd be throwing darts at him, fucking gerbil darts, and he'd sit there quietly loading up as you were shooting your mouth out, and then he'd hit you with like ten body shots. Once people pass, they become, he was the fucking

and I'm not, no disrespect to Patrice. I fucking, you know, absolutely loved them. But my only point being is guys like me, it's a lot harder to make people laugh as a white guy in a comedy club filled with a diverse audience. If I do fucking racial shit, not only the black people might get offended,

the fucking 80 white assholes sitting around them will get offended for him. So, but, but I love Patrice cause he gets sent home. He did a gig at hilarities in Cleveland and some woman yelled something out. He went off on her so bad. The guy sent them home after the second show on a Friday night.

So yes, he, he was, uh, he was sharp as he was sharp as a tack and funny, but I'm just saying sometimes the, the praise gets, since he's passed, the praise is growing and growing. I guess I'm going to have to shoot myself in the mouth after the show to get my fucking dessert recognition. All right, buddy, good call.

Appreciate it. Hey, love you, Nick. Take care, man. I'm glad you guys did that because I couldn't remember who I was talking to. Did you guys hang that up? That happened on its own? I think he just hung up and it went away. That was kind of cool.

I didn't know who I was talking to. I was looking at everybody. Please don't shoot yourself. I do like having a job. Who said that? Me. Really? So where are you going?

Are you going back to school and you're getting a fucking radio? I'm doing a radio and I'm doing a computer security degree. Good for you. Excuse me. Speaking of cops and minorities and whatnot, graphic police body cam video released yesterday shows three la cops fatally shooting a knife wielding gang member hmm what if he was a cracker and the woman he was holding hostage with a blade to her throat cops fired 18 rounds during the confrontation outside a homeless outreach center

in van nuys on june 16th which unfolded when they responded to a report that a man had stabbed his ex-girlfriend. LAPD Chief Michael Moore told reporters at a conference he moved away from the office and grabbed an innocent bystander who was standing nearby. Let's take a look. We have a clip of this. I just want to show you how tough cops have it Can we pause it right there? The guy wants... When the cop yells, put the knife down, the weapon down, eight times and you don't,

the guy wants to die at the hands of the cops. That's all I'm saying. Just looking at the fucking where he's living, I would think that would be true. Go ahead. Now the poor lady Innocent lady She was taken hostage That wasn't the girlfriend That he stabbed

And he started to cut her neck So they had no choice Right But In movie You're so You're so That wasn't the girlfriend that he stabbed. And he started to cut her neck. So they had no choice, right? But in movie, you're so conditioned watching television shows and movies where there's a hostage situation like that, and the cop just shoots and kills the bad guy. You know? Go ahead.

Those were beanbag bullets to knock him out and not hurt the woman. No, no no no the the previous they shot beanbags the initial shots of beanbags right and they didn't kill him with beanbag bullets and then once they she got he pulled the knife and actually cut her right then the fucking real ammo came up they look close enough and i'm not second guessing the cops they look close enough where they could have picked him off and not her. But that's a hard call, right? That's hard to do. I know it's hard to do.

But sharpshooters, you know, can do it. I'm not second guessing him for a second. I got a buddy who was a cop down in Miami for 30 years. He's retired. Now, he got in a shootout in a kitchen in a restaurant. They were robbing a kitchen. He had somebody shoot at him. Thank God.

But, I mean, can imagine a poor, innocent, uh, and that's in front of like some homeless shelter or shit, but he started to cut her. And now these cops have to go through the ringer legally. And, uh, I'm sure, I think her name was Tollickson, poor Miss Tollickson. Uh, you know, their family is going to take legal action and all. But this is this is what. Oh, shit. That's a white hand holding a gun. And that's a brown suspect. So we know he was an ex-convict gang member. Yeah. Elizabeth Tollex in forty nine. She was just standing there.

Yeah, Elizabeth Tolison, 49. She was just standing there. And this shit goes on every day, folks. People like to badmouth the cops. They're putting these situations, and yeah, they're going to fuck up. But now the laws are getting so crazy in New York that cops don't want to get out of the car. Same with Chicago, because now the cops are going to be sued personally personally that's legislation that de blasio passed in new york city you know people who are watching our necks but uh i thought that was some amazing how about the uh somebody one of my twitter guys uh gene

everett he's a fan of mine uh it comes to some of my shows he's he follows me on twitter and uh he sent me a clip a tweet from this uh black comedian young kid terrence k williams who i didn't know about he's got about about 250,000 followers on Twitter. And I watch some of his shit. Very funny, very smart. And he leans a little right in his politics, which takes, you know, when you're black, it takes a lot of balls to do that. But he put up a clip on his Twitter.

Well, he's actually watching the clip in this clip if we if we can show him on this it's any one of those antifa guys that we're supposed to be so afraid of you know the ones that wear the mask and sucker punch people wearing mega hats and you know the one soros hires and buses in every time there's a trump rally to start shit but this i like this terence k williams guy i think he's funny as friggin hell let's show that clip Trump and Pence we say no no no no no no no no Trump and Pence we say no no no no no no Trump and Pence we say no no no no no no no No.

Go ahead. Let it run a little more. Can you turn that down a little? Crack cocaine. We say no. We say no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Boy, do you not know trump supporters are cornbread fed they will whoop your butt do you not know who you're supposed to and i looked at some of his other shit and i was

laughing my ass off he's got a clip on there of like this sexy latina girl model or whatever and she's rubbing lotion on her shoulder with some type of device. Yeah, like that, Ryan. Exactly. And then it cuts to him. He's got like barbecue sauce and he's got a drumstick and he's fucking and he's and he leans right in his polity. He has a mind of his own.

I know the game would fucking hate his guts and shit, but this is what I'm talking about. Soon as enough black people wise up to what the democrats they've done nothing for you just like Trump said during the election and I think they are wising up I actually emailed this guy

you know probably too busy that Antifa guy was pretty scary wasn't he I was shitting my pants I do not want to fuck with that guy That Antifa guy was pretty scary, wasn't he? I was shitting my pants. Yeah, I do not want to fuck with that guy. He's a fag. Well, he seemed that way.

Not that there's anything wrong with it. I mean, look how I'm dressed. La la la. Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come. Beauty I've always missed with these eyes before. Just what the truth is, I can't say anymore. Because I love you. I'm sorry, it's stuck in my head.

It's fucking the moody blues and I'm kind of a moody blue person myself. What do we got here? Oh, you know Politico? The website Politico and... Well, they have a guy that... A journalist that works with him, Mark Caputo. And he marks Trump rally attendees as toothless garbage people.

Toothless garbage people. You're a wormy cocksucker, you know that? Yeah. As opposed to the people who followed Hillary and the, you know, the illegals and the non-citizens and the violent criminals and the Antifa types and the people who voted for Obama because of his skin color. But, you know, it's the people with bad teeth in the South

that Caputo takes a shot at. And that takes a... He eventually apologized after about, you know, 15 hours or so. But it all started. CNN chief White House correspondent Jim Acosta, that fucking lying bag of cheese.

He's the one who's always yelling shit out at Trump like, you're fake news. And he fucking shits his diaper and rolls on the ground. Anyways, Acosta tweeted footage of being jeered by Trump supporters and claimed to be very wary that the hostility whipped up by Trump and and some conservative media will result in somebody getting hurt. Hopefully you, motherfucker. How's it feel? How's it feel? CNN, who's whipped up more racial flames in the last fucking 30 years in this country, where your selective stories of every time there's a black victim of a white cop,

and MSNBC, NBC, CBS. How's it feel? Because you put cops' lives in danger every fucking day. You pit white against black. Now you're getting a taste of your own medicine you fucking asshole and i'm glad trump calls you out on it but uh reacting to acosta's remarks caputo balked the appearance of trump rally goers he says if you put everyone's mouths together in this video you get a full set of teeth when the insult sparked a swift backlash caputo became defensive and condemned his critics for not being more outraged by the crowd's treatment of acosta maybe you don't get this mr caputo you're part of the fucking media who has a lower

approval rating than congress i want you to mow that over. Why? Because you're corrupt and everybody fucking knows it. If you weren't, Trump wouldn't have won the election. And CNN is the fucking worst of the worst. Tie between them and NBC. When the insult, he says, Caputo became defensive, condemned his critics for not being more outraged by the crowd shooting a call oh i like a good joke that was just at the expense of others which i think isn't quite so funny but then somebody said not your best tweet mark on twitter some users said oh no caputo replied i made fun of garbage people jeering at another person as they falsely

accused him of lying and flipped him off someone fetch a fainting couch he's a real wise ass he's a real uh where's my smug fucking whatever um so anyways he caught enough blowback but yeah it's the Trump followers that attend these. They're the problems. The hardworking white people of the world who just, you know, want the country back after eight years of fucking Obama. They're the problem. But anyways, he apologized.

Let's be fair to the fella. After he caught enough shit i guess i need to apologize for tweeting caustic remarks after seeing a reporter berated and abused so right in his apology he's not hate begets hate so he's really really half apologizing because he's saying it's not my fault trump started this hate all this shit happened when trump showed up all this disdain for the media apparently uh hate begets hate my comments referred only to those jeering and swearing at happened when Trump showed up. All this disdain for the media, apparently. Hate begets hate. My comments referred only to those jeering and swearing at the man, not a broad

swath of people. You didn't make that clear in your tweet, did you? But the fault is mine for causing confusion and feeding anger. In the age of social media, where divisiveness serves no decent purpose, especially biased social media, these flippant comments on my part only made things worse and contributed to a cycle of rage that I should not have inflamed further.

So I'm sorry. While it's usually a good idea to just delete tweets that are wrong. I own this and the criticism. Both accurate and misleading. That is follow. I'll do better. Here they are. Three, three, blah, blah, blah, blah. Anyways.

So he came around. I don't think he means it. Because right in his apology, he's blaming hate begets hate. In other words, I was just throwing hate back at the people who started the hate like all this hate showed up which stopped you another word that's overused fucking hate every time somebody on the left disagrees with me or anybody that thinks i mean that's hate no no it's not actually i hate you don't fucking lose that in all this I hate you fucking guts that's hate but not because I disagree with you on healthcare or

whatever welfare or North Korea or whatever abortion but yeah he seemed a little smug

you smug cocksucker fuck you oh he apologized dr melfi he looks like i did i i don't know if you guys i sent you this article but he looks like sean penn this guy at least in this picture he he looks a lot like Sean Penn probably one of his heroes that would be our Mark Caputo again it might just be this picture he looks a lot of Sean Penn in him doesn't he could be one of the Penn brothers one of the ones that didn't put butter on their steaks and fucking

kill over it age 32 Chris Penn who I fucking loved you guys it might come to a shock Sean Penn's like maybe my favorite actor. Well, can't obviously, can't stand him politically. He's a fucking, but as far as my generation goes, it's as good as it gets, man. Tremendous actor. And Chris Penn was pretty good, too.

I remember after he died, I remember reading, he used to put butter on his steaks, which a lot of people do, but not a lot of of people you know their their a order isn't clogged like the lincoln tunnel at five o'clock on a friday uh jason good anything i'm just it's kind of funny that came out after his death like it's a big revelation that what the butter on the steak did you know he put butter on his steak yeah it's like yeah it's delicious matter of fact a lot of steakhouses do that when they fight they the last thing they do i put butter on my goddamn sneakers they're delicious i don't know why i do that i did on my radio show too

anyways caputo gets fucking hammered on Twitter and... Nights in white... Let's end with a lighter thing, huh? You ever pass out behind the wheel? You fucking... Not even being drunk, just being exhausted.

I did... A couple of me and my fraternity buddies, University of Maine, 1983, 84-ish, decided to drive from Orono, Maine to Fort Lauderdale for spring break.

Sounded like a great idea. We weren't even to Massachusetts. We're like, this is taking forever. Oh my God, was that a fucking mistake? Anyways, we kept switching off as far as driving. I'm sure a few of us were having cocktails, but we would switch off and we got into the Carolinas.

I think it was my turn to drive. And this is an absolute true story. I get behind the wheel driving for about an hour or so. I nodded off and I still remember I was dreaming about a a blue Corvette that I wanted to buy. I had a mini dream. I can still see it. I have my eyes shut and I heard this. I had a mini dream. I can still see it. I had my eyes shut and I heard this. And I opened my eyes.

Thank God it was the highway where they put those, you know, that ripple effect. The very purpose of those things are for people who fall asleep. And that frigging saved my life. Why do I bring this up? Because a taxi driver in China, they had they had you know the camera in the car they catch it this guy this go ahead let's play the clip he slept for about a full minute we won't play the full minute but now i don't mean to be racist but how do you know if he's sleeping right there? Seriously, I mean, I... Could be the sun in his eyes.

You know, I'm not trying to be racist. No, he's out like a fucking... He just ran over a stroller. That woke him up. What was that, blood? Oh, he finally... There's a bonnet on my hood. He...

So he fucking, you know, shakes him out of his stupor but as soon as i saw that it reminded me of chevy chase and vacation you guys remember this classic Five, four, it's not that far. That was me going to Fort Lauderdale. Sparky, why don't you turn off the TV and come to bed? Okay, honey. All right. We get the idea.

The other time. This time I saved some people after college 1985 uh mount catardon up in maine me and four or five buddies went up there one of those rvs and pitch black up there it was so fucking cool at night first of all we go up there uh the gates closed it says that the mountains closed while we go over on the gate. Wasn't very secure. It's early October. It's about 68 degrees. I'm wearing like a windbreaker

and sneakers. We got about halfway up the mountain. It was like 31. I got like a Red Sox t-shirt on. You could cut diamonds with my nipples. I'm wearing like dress shoes. Really not a fucking camper. But anyways, climbed the mountain.

It was so fucking awesome to this day. I still want to do shit like that, but I can't. My spine hurts and I am shitting blood. Anyways, come back down for the night. Park in the park. Drinking in the RV all night. Get up to drive home the next morning. My buddy Tony takes the fuck.

I said, you sure you're all right? You look groggy. Dude, I'm fine. Ba, ba, ba. We're on one of those windy two-lane roads in Maine, you know. Just two lanes. One this way. One going this way.

Two-way traffic. We're about four minutes into the ride. I look over at him. He's literally like this. Because I noticed we were drifting off the road. Two wheels, we go off the road.

It's like a fucking ditch. I reach over, actually elbow him in the face, grab the fucking wheel, cut us back on the road. I cut us back on the road blindly. If there was anybody coming, thank God it was early

in the morning, way up near Mount Katah. You know, we would have been dead meat. But I looked over, he was like this how do you how do you that that that chinese tan the chinese taxi guy i mean i got a two thousand dollar mattress at home i don't and i take two advil pm i don't sleep like that that guy was fucking having dreams about cheryl crow what i uh i've had a scare like that too i got pulled over for it what you

nodded off yeah i was doing um a 24 7 show and i was on a 16 hour shift and i nodded off and my car just swerved like crazy like i went like left lane right lane left lane right lane and there was a cop to see right behind me and you weren't drinking or anything? She was like, how much have you had to drink tonight, sir? And I was like, absolutely nothing. I just haven't slept in like, you know, 46 hours. And that was true? Yeah. Would have been funny if you said, I had two bottles of NyQuil and a couple of vodkas.

And what happened? I got off. I got off. They were just like, don't drive for the rest of the night. I know TV's crazy. Go to night. I know TV's crazy. Go to sleep. I know TV's crazy? Who'd you get pulled over by? Magnum P.I.? What the fuck?

Is that what the cops said? Oh, I know TV's crazy. Oh my aching stem. I'll never forget that. That Fort Lauderdale trip. Man, if that... Didn't hear that? Because the rest of my asshole friends are out like a light, dry puke on their shirts. Anyways, that's about it for today, folks.

I've been holding this piss since about four o'clock. I can't explain why. I'll take one more. We'll take one more call. Let's go to Joe in Long Island. Where's my fucking mouse here? Joey boy, you're the last caller of the day. Make it pithy, fella.

How are you? Welcome to the show. I can't believe I'm on the show with you, but I did want to get your take on. Did you see that whole thing with the three? With the three what? Your phone's cutting out. Your phone's cutting out. Go ahead. Do it again. Three deep done gun i i did not i wanted to get you i i don't even understand the concept but

no joe i want you to explain to me real quick because i saw the headline didn't get into the story what is a 3d gun exactly pistol it's basically a plastic gun that they've made who's that basically fire nine and the nra's for it but the judge uh i forgot what judge he shut it down and he they like urged trump to shut it down i just wanted to know what your take is on plastic guns and if you think we really fucking need that well who but who who makes who made the plastic gun? People are making them in their house or a company? No. Well, I mean, you could do that, but no, it's actually a company. I don't know what company.

Mattel? I can't erase for it, but a judge shut it down, and they're, like, urging Trump to shut Mattel, yeah. A plastic gun. Well, if I had a choice, most of the plastic gun, I'd rather get shot by a plastic gun, because they're usually filled with jelly or fucking, you know, a super soaker. But this is an actual gun that could kill. Don't they, didn't these come about because people wanted to sneak them through airport security easier? Well, that's the whole thing.

Do we really need this with everything fucking going on? Do we really need plastic fucking guns? And look, I'm all for the Second Amendment. I love guns myself, but do we really fucking need a plastic gun now? An undetectable gun? I felt the same way about silverware, Joe. Do we really need the spork? All right, Joe, good call, man.

Maybe I'll weigh in on it tomorrow because I have to read more of the article. Thanks, buddy. All right, folks. That is it, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. This is the free. Did it go out on Facebook today? The only glitch was me singing.

Then I don't know what happened after that. The camera reset itself after we went live. Yeah, why would the camera do that? Because it's some weird bullshit streaming camera. All right, we're going to get new shit. Black Magic, you make good products, but I'm not crazy about the fucking cameras, all right? Maybe you want to send me one

that we don't have to fucking refocus every eight seconds. It's like a four-year-old kid on fucking Ritalin. Give the camera some riddlin anyways uh that is it uh what is today wednesday we got one more show holy christ i gotta i gotta do some comedy somewhere i gotta i gotta stay sharp it's a it's a bitch balancing the podcast stand-up comedy and then i'm a sous chef during the day and I work at a bowling alley after midnight. I mean, it is a motherfucker. That is it, kids.

Remember, you guys think it, I'll say it. You're welcome. Here's my friend Lee. I love you for helping me to construct my life. Not a tavern, but a temple. Not a tavern, but a temple. I love you because you have done so much to make me happy. You have done it without a word, without a touch, without a sign.

You have done it by just being yourself Perhaps after all That is what love means And that is why I love you Субтитры сделал DimaTorzok