The Nick DiPaolo Show - Special: "Another Senseless Killing" | Nick Di Paolo Show #1446b

Episode Date: August 22, 2023

Today’s episode is Nick’s 2015 Comedy Special “Another Senseless Killing”! Enjoy Nick’s take on Obesity vs Starvation, Subway Masturbators, R*pist/Match.Com, Roadside Memorials, Nooses, Class Pessimist, Caffeine, The Wife, A**hole Bleaching, Vaginal Rejuvenation, Michael Douglas, Evolution of P*rn, and Cellphones. Like what you hear? Sign in or Sign up at Mug Club and watch the full episode! https://mugclub.rumble.com/support/promo/NICKDIP Membership gets you full video episodes of The Nick Di Paolo Show, Louder With Crowder, Alex Jones, The Hodge Twins, The Bryan Callen Show, MrGunsNGear, and all other exclusive content! For Tour Dates, Merch, links to my socials and more visit https://nickdip.com

🎵 Yeah, welcome. What is it, a Tuesday? Tuesday. It's a Tuesday, ladies and gentlemen. As you know, I'm in Dallas right now. But we're going to show another one of my stand-up specials. This one is another senseless killing. I shot it at Acme Comedy Club in Minneapolis.

A lot of friends and a lot of my contemporaries say it's my best work. Steven Crowder has the thing memorized. Thinks it should be in the top five. I think it's my best one. But they're all so close. work. Steven Crowder has the thing memorized. Thinks it should be in the top five. I think it's my best one. But they're all so close. Anyways, I think you're going to love it. I talk about everything

from being a class pessimist in high school to rape to fun. Yeah, fun, light stuff that the kids want. To those, what do you call them? Those roadside memorials and stuff. All kinds of good stuff.

Anyways, it's called Another Senseless Killing. And here it is. Enjoy. Three, two, one. Ladies and gentlemen, we are in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Lovely Minneapolis, Minnesota. Ladies and gentlemen, we're are in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Lovely Minneapolis, Minnesota. Ladies and gentlemen, we're here in Minneapolis, Minnesota, high above the Acme Comedy Company Theater

with one of my favorites, probably my favorite of all time, Nick DiPaolo. Thank you very much. Oh, what about Nick? Oh, damn. Spags are throwing in probably, Tom. No, no, no. Most likely. Ladies and gentlemen, we're high above the Acme Comedy Company Theater.

We're my favorite comedian of all time and definitely my favorite human being of all time. Nick DiPaolo playing a sold-out show, ladies and gentlemen. Nick DiPaolo. Good to see you working with Bernie Madoff. So how's the drinking, Tom? You up to blow? Are you shooting a special tonight and tomorrow? Just tonight.

It's sold out. Well, I think we can find the table for you or a couch. What is he using these days? I'd go if he invited me. Uh, Don, I don't know. Go fuck yourself. I think we got what we need. That's not something to go.

Ladies and gentlemen, the guy you can't even see, for one and only Nick DiPaolo! Wow! Really? Thank you! Minneapolis, it's been a while! Wow! Holy shit! You're applauding like you're at a taping. The fuck? That was like the Price is Right. Come on down.

I love this place. Seriously, you guys. And it's packed. I get a little nervous when it's this crowded. Let's be honest. This place holds about 110 comfortably. We have about 260 in here. If there's a fire, we're all fucked.

You realize that? All this is gonna take is a fat chick with a few drinks in her and a pair of pumps to turn her chubby ankle on the way to the exit. Fall down and block us in

like a fucking human wine cork. Get up. Get up, Diane. People are dying. I don't give a shit. I pay for this cheeseburger. I'm going to finish it on the rug. We all end up with third-degree burns on our face and tits,

and a year from now, we're all on an episode of The Doctors, missing our lips. I was at a comedy club in Minneapolis, and this fat chick knocked over a candle with her tit, I think it was. I woke up in a hospital by taking fat from her calves club in Minneapolis and this fat chick knocked over a candle with her tit I think it was. I woke up in a hospital by taking fat from her calves and putting on my face for a graft. It could happen. There's a lot of fat people in this, let's be honest. Not here, I'm in general, I'm just saying. But uh, well here too, you guys live on like fucking bacon, grease, and heavy cream from like February to June.

Are we a fat country or not? I can't decide. I saw, you know, Mayor Bloomberg meet the press a couple weeks ago. He's like, for the first time in the history of this country, more people are dying from obesity than starvation. What's your fucking point? That's progress, asshole. Would you rather drop dead eating a quarter pounder or because you were a quarter pounder? Jesus Christ. If that's true, more people are dying from obesity

than starvation, we're gonna have to change those late night commercials you see. You know, the little ones with the African kid sitting in the desert with a bowl of rice in front of him, flies all over his face. Going to have to replace him with a 400 pound Green Bay Packers fan sitting in his recliner with a pile of chicken wings on his lap, barbecue sauce in his hair. For just 20 cents a day, you can buy this fat fucking treadmill.

For another 20 cents, day, you can buy this fat fucking treadmill. For another 20 cents. A head of cabbage. He hasn't shit since the early 70s. It's called roughage. Help him out. Look at him. He's got whipped cream on the bridge of his nose. And he's like...

I think we're a fat country, but then I hear all these commercials late at night saying just the opposite. One in four Americans goes to bed hungry every night. Why? Stop off at the fridge on the way to the bedroom, shithead. Problem solved, duh. Like you saw a pigeon eating a half a cheeseburger.

You're bigger than he is. Step on his neck and take it, you fucking idiot. here. Step on his neck and take it, you fucking idiot. You're going to bed hungry in a country that has so much food you can get hit in the chest with a slice of pizza from somebody else's plate on a windy day? What the fuck? One in three Americans doesn't know where their next meal is coming from. Yeah, neither do I. Might be Wendy's, might be McDonald's, could be Burger King, I don't know, Tony Roma's. Every night I sit home going, should I go to Wendy's or McDonald's?

I can't make up my mind. Oh, I guess I have to go to bed hungry again, huh? I knew we were fat fucks when Subway sandwich shops had that big controversy. People were irate. They weren't getting a full 12-inch sandwich.

If you're bringing the tape measure to lunch, the fuck? This is 11 and 3 quarters. I'm gonna speak to the manager. I'm gonna fucking waste away to nothing, for Christ's sake. Is this happening

in other countries? You know, some guy in France, the croissant was supposed to be 12 centimeters. It's only 11. What the fuck? How did that get so popular, Subway? They weigh their coal cuts.

You ever have a real submarine sandwich? It's like six pounds of meat on it. These fucks are weighing turkey like it's cocaine. You look in the back, it's like a scene out of New Jack City. Bunch of black chicks, no tops on. Fucking weighing prosciutto and fucking American cheese. You look in the back, it's like a scene out of New Jack City. Bunch of black chicks, no tops on. Weighing prosciutto and fucking American cheese.

She's got Geno salami under her left tit. Lift it up. You know where I learned to cook? Fucking the show Lockup on MSNBC. I know how to make a grilled cheese on a radiator. Osso bucco in a loomum toilet. I can make white wine out of a dirty athletic sock, a D-cell battery, and an apple core. Fucking...

Rachel Ray thinks it's a lot of pressure to make a delicious meal in under 30 minutes. Yeah, try making a fucking delicious meal for your, uh, Selly, you know, who set his mother on fire in high school if she didn't cut the crust off his PBJ. I love lockup. It's my favorite show.

I recognize a lot of those people from the New York subway system on that show. The shit that goes on in the subway, this is a nice city, you polite and shit. You read the fucking stuff that goes on in New York. I was reading before I came here, I read the New York Post, some homeless guy was jerking off on the subway and some girl filmed it with her cell phone.

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, if you see a beating taking place, put down the camera and help the guy. Come on, ladies, let's get involved as a community. What do you say? That's your first instinct

You see a guy jerking off And he's like Take out your camera Boy things have changed You used to run and scream When I did it back in the day Why are you masturbating On the subway

If I was going to jerk off On public transportation I'm not doing it on the subway I'd do it like on the ferry You know It's kind of romantic And If any of the passengers Get hit with friendly fire I'll blame it on the ferry, you know, it's kind of romantic.

If any of the passengers get hit with friendly fire, I'll blame it on the ocean mist. How do you masturbate while people are watching you? When I masturbate in my bedroom, I have to put all the family photos face down. Last thing I need is my Italian grandparents in their late 90s staring at me from a tomato garden. Grandmother's holding a zucchini. It's very awkward. I'll leave my niece's picture up. She's kind of cute. Hey, I don't have all day, folks. I'm busy. Get a nut off to my grandmother's ass. I'll be there for three weeks.

For Christ's sake. Big yellow toenails. What the fuck? Masturbating on the subway, that's a level of horny I haven't got to yet. I see girls I want to fuck on the subway all the time. I don't whip it out right there.

I have the decency to wait till I get above ground and duck behind a mailbox on the sidewalk on the way home. Don't you have to be comfortable when you masturbate? What am I going to do? Get on the train and go, Miss, can I use your book bag as a pillow? Oh, thank you. Sir, can you hold my feet up with your left hand

and my iPad with your right and hand out this plastic? It's going to be like a Gallagher concert here in about five minutes. Hand out this plastic, it's gonna be like a Gallagher concert here in about five minutes. Jerking off on public transportation. What a country. You know you got a shitty sex life when the first word you hear after you come is, Stan Claire are the closing doors. Pretty sure I'll be hearing that from St. Peter in a few years.

What, three Catholics? Holy shit, where am I? Fucking Palestine? Come on. Oh, they didn't even open the bottle. For Christ's sake, I'm busy. And the second half of the show, boys and girls, you know what I'll be doing? I'll be doing it with you. No, we're going to show the second half of another senseless killing. For those of you who aren't, you know, signed up on Mug Club to do so, go to

nickdip.com to sign up. You'll get to see the second half of it, which is hilarious if I do say so myself. Hey, boys and girls, head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, t-shirts, hoodies and more It's yet another way for you to support the show

And look sexy at the same time You can also get signed copies of my previous specials And all of the Nick-a-shirts Just go to nickdip.com and click on store Again, that's nickdip.com, click on store Thank you guys so much, see you soon and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com. Click on store. Thank you guys so much. See you soon.

Hey, can we make the material a little thinner out of the fucking water bottles? What are these, condoms they put in water right now? Jesus Christ. Mmm, jizz. All right. Ah, master bedating on the subway. That's just hilarious to me. I'd masturbate in a public place.

I'm not above that. But it has to be a public place where there's nobody around, like a Mets game. You could jerk off on the pitches on an opening day at Citi Field. Nobody's going to hear about it, not even on the internet.

They always blame it on mental illness. The guy masturbating on the pitches on an opening day at Citi Field. Nobody's gonna hear about it, not even on the internet. They always blame it on mental illness. The guy masturbating on the subway was mentally ill. Well, there's mentally ill women. I don't see them playing themselves on the subway. Somebody tell them it's okay. The fuck? Imagine if girls were doing that on the subway, fellas. That would be the most packed subway car

in the history of the city. 950 guys just crammed in there. The doors keep opening and shutting. It's 80 degrees. We all have our shirts off just staring at her. She's running out of gas. Get her a Sprite. Jesus Christ.

Guys, and if we saw a girl playing with herself in public, we'd take her to our cell phone, too, right? We wouldn't film her. We'd try to get her contact information. Look, she's crazy. She likes sex. If this bitch can make a grilled cheese, I'll marry her. What am I saying? I did marry her. I feel bad for you ladies, because you're the victim of this male sexual deviancy. You know, sick fucks pulling our pricks out in public and shit.

And you're taking advice from guys on how to avoid this stuff. This was in the New York Times this summer. You can Google this. There's a professor at the University of Colorado,

a male professor, telling young girls in his class to keep a guy from raping you, you should either urinate or vomit in front of him. First of all, if I'm a girl in that class,

I'm going to raise my hand and go, you know this how? Urinate or vomit to scare off a rapist? That might work, unless the guy fucked a bunch of drunk chicks in college. Every girl I fucked in my 20s was puking and pissing herself. She was shit-faced.

That's how I knew I was going to get laid. No meant no, and I don't feel good meant yes. And how are you girls going to piss and vomit on demand?

That's my question. Wouldn't you load up on bad pork and iced tea before you go running in Central Park? Pick off your pants, bitch, not tonight. Ugh! Ugh!

Oh, thank God for those Amtrak clams. I'll tell you. Here comes the chicken palm from Applebee's. Yeah! What if you're a nice Jewish girl and you're a nice Jewish girl and you're fasting that day? You're all the...

Hold on. Oh, go ahead. It's been a while. Fuck it. And I'm not making fun of rape, ladies Nothing funny about rape Unless it's happening to a rapist in a prison shower Then it's fucking hilarious

Girls, you want to keep a guy from having sex with you? Well, he's taking his pants off Just look him in the eye and go, I love you What are you thinking? Do you like children? Not everything is rape either We're always trying to Here's something that's not rape

I'm sick of hearing about When a hot female school teacher Like in her 20s Fucks a 14 year old boy student It's not fucking rape That is a fantasy for all us fellas Okay That's a rite of passage

You can bang his brains out He'll be just fine Trust me Fuck him Fuck him hard Fuck him hard. Fuck him long. People go, that's not true. That kid's life will never be the same. Yeah, you got that right.

He won't be able to go to the mall without signing 300 autographs on Friday. He's gonna get a big head when they're building a statue of him in front of the gym on Wednesday. Fucking... Statue with a teacher bent over with an apple in her mouth. Fucking Brian's behind him with a condom. statue of him in front of the gym on Wednesday. Statue of the teacher bent over with an apple in her mouth. Fucking Brian's behind him with the condoms.

You're always the victim of this shit. I feel bad for you. I hear about this all the time. I hear about women meeting guys on the internet and then the guys kill them like a week later. Ladies, that one's kind of on you. You're picking guys up on the internet?

You know that's a highway, don't you? Why don't you just get on 95 South at three in the morning in the Bronx with a $100 bill hanging out of your ass crack holding a sign that says, Got pussy? Got pussy? Nothing?

All right. Just naive girls. I can see them trying to meet guys on the internet. They're on Match.com. Oh, look at this guy. He likes hiking.

Yeah, translation, he's going to rape and kill you in the woods. He's into sunsets. He's going to do it after dark. Oh, he's into fashion. Yeah, he's going to do it after dark. Oh, he's into fashion. Yeah, he's going to make a suit out of your skin

and wear it around the house for the next three weeks. Oh, he likes to cook. Yeah, he's going to make a casserole out of your tits and feet. Have you had the tits and feet casserole? It's delicious by Rachel Ray recipe. About 40 minutes. Tits and feet. It's one word.

It's German. Tits and feet. It's one word. It's German. Tits and feet. Thank you, lady. Don't hold it in. It's some... Jesus. That's hot to me. I'm, you know...

I'm doing a joke about a girl being murdered by some guy on the internet. She's giggling like I'm tickling her feet. That is making me hard as a whale's tooth. Keep it up, sweetheart. Holy shit, there's a psycho. I'm staying at the Tom Plaza Suites, whatever the fuck they call it.

I mean, you'll be in the pool, 11 degrees, but seems like you can take it. I see what you're... degrees but uh seems like you can take it i see what you find this lady hasn't smiled i gotta thanks for bringing her to the show fella no the girl next to you you know barbara hasn't taken a good in two weeks let's take her to the comedy club let her stare at the headline and try to ruin his night. You look like my grandmother in that picture. Hey, qu'est-ce que tu dis?

Qu'est-ce que tu dis? I don't blame you. I have a dark sense of humor. I really do. I get it from my dad. My dad laughs at the inappropriate shit. Always did.

Even as kids. I remember we were at McDonald's. He piles us in a station wagon, five of us on a Friday night, that was a big treat. And this like 80 year old lady comes out of McDonald's with like a tray in her hand, she slips on some ice and lands on her ass. My father was laughing till he almost shit his pants.

And we all just joined in, we're pointing at her, laughing out the window. Oh, look at the mean family, laughing at that dead lady. She's got like a bone sticking out of her nylons, my father's wiping his eyes. Holy shit, I've never seen anything that funny, mother. But then he fucked it up. He went and helped her up and shit.

What an asshole. He loves dark shit. This is a true story. I'm at my parents' house like 15 years ago. I'm in the kitchen making a sandwich. The old man's in the living room, and I hear him belly laughing. He's watching TV.

I mean, he's laughing like Robert De Niro on Cape Fear on the movie theater. My dad's... I stuck my head in to see what he's watching. Lady Dies Funeral. He wasn't laughing that she got killed, but apparently one of the horses that was pulling her casket

was shitting in the street. And that fucking set him off. And that's funny. When you put it all together, a beautiful princess who had a great life, now she's dead with a palomino shitting an inch from her nose. Come on, that's fucking hilarious.

If you don't laugh at that, you're missing the point. For those of you on Mug Club, stick around for the rest of the second half of the show. Everyone else go to nickdip.com and join to get my full show. Get Steven Crowder's full show and a whole lot more. And when I say more, I mean a lot more. Alex Jones, Brian Callen, lot more Alex Jones, Brian Callen, cameras that go undercover to grab lefties lying. Also, when you're at nickdip.com, click on my tour button so you can see where I'll be touring. And I'm coming up this month. I'm back on the road, September 15th, Rob's Playhouse Theater, Buffalo, New York. The next night, the 16th, the Santander Arena in Redding, Pennsylvania, with Greg Gutfeld, the very funny Jimmy Norton, Joe Macchi, and I think Jamie Lissow. That is a killer show.

And then the next night after that, September 17th, Hilarity's Comedy Club for one night only in Cleveland, Ohio. I hope to see you guys there. guitar solo Outro Music