The Nick DiPaolo Show - Special: "Inflammatory" | Nick Di Paolo Show #1446c

Episode Date: August 23, 2023

Today’s episode is Nick’s 2017 Comedy Special “Inflammatory”! If you believe in safe spaces, run to yours now, as Nick Di Paolo once again shows why he's the master of slaughtering sacred cows and being absolutely hilarious while doing so. In an increasingly humorless society, Di Paolo's voice is needed now more than ever. Nick has some fun talking about his Living Room Workout, Insomnia Cures, Diseases, Gender Neutral Ads, Emasculation NFL Style, Tit Obsession, NESN, P.C. Dentist, Say Something, The Kardashians, Ray Rice, Black Moms and; of course Meth! Like what you hear? Sign in or Sign up at Mug Club and watch the full episode! https://mugclub.rumble.com/support/promo/NICKDIP Membership gets you full video episodes of The Nick Di Paolo Show, Louder With Crowder, Alex Jones, The Hodge Twins, The Bryan Callen Show, MrGunsNGear, and all other exclusive content! For Tour Dates, Merch, links to my socials and more visit https://nickdip.com

🎵 Oh yeah, welcome to the show on a dirty Wednesday. How are you folks? Good to be with you, even though I'm not. I'm in Texas right now. All week we are running my standup specials. This one today, right here on our stage, right in front of mine, this one is called Inflammatory. I shot this at a beautiful theater in Riverhead, New York, and then I'm watching that show lock up one night, and they were doing an episode from a prison

in Riverhead, New York. If I knew that I would have done the opening at the prison, I could have got raped. It would have been great. Anyways, it's a good one. It's called Raw Nerve. No, it's not. Sorry, I lied.

Inflammatory. See, they all have the same tone. I'm an asshole. Inflammatory is it. I talked about how the media emasculates white guys. I talked about gender neutrality. I don't even remember what some of this is. My battle with insomnia.

All kinds of great stuff. So here it is for you people because I love you. Enjoy Inflammatory. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the man you came to see, the one and only, Nick DiPaolo! Hey, Long Island! Yeah! Welcome to my big special! Thank you! Look at this! Beautiful!

Thank you! Alright! Beautiful. Beautiful. Thank you. All right. Let's not overdo it, huh? All right. I had to train for like, you know, a year to do this show tonight. I can't lose the, I can't. I'm 54.

I can't have the metabolism. It just doesn't fucking move. I did P90X. You're supposed to do that for three months. I did it a year and a half. Nobody told me it would turn my hips and knees into a fine powder. You should hear my hips and ass bones. I'm coming down the stairs in the morning,

sounds like I'm walking on bubble wrap. Jesus Christ, what the hell's that popping and snapping shit? My buddy goes, you got to do the 30-minute insanity workout with Sean T, you know, the gay black fella? You got to stay focused. Welcome to 30-minute insanity. You got to get some abs up in here. You want to meet a confused Cub Scout, you got to get ripped. Know what I'm saying?

I'm making fun of this guy. Meanwhile, he's got the lung capacity of a blue whale. I can't keep up with this fucking guy. I make fun of people. I used to make fun of people who did this shit, you know, worked out in their living rooms. I'm like, how faggy is that? Now I can't even keep up with these people.

You know, he's got all these broads behind him. They're like in their late teens. I'm doing the modified version of the exercise. you know, they always have the one chubby chick up front doing the modified version. Everybody behind us are doing one-arm push-ups, me and Catherine are going... Yeah, this is what the Navy SEALs do to get ripped, I think. This is what Belichick has the pads doing in training camp. And I take it out on her, this heavy-set girl. She's, you know, I'm so old and bitter,

I can't keep up with her. Shanti's like, now, Catherine's an awful ass. I'm like, yeah, for the first time in her fucking life. No need of saying that. Meanwhile, he's got these girls behind him. They're like 22. They have negative body fat. They're in the tightest panties you've ever seen.

Six minutes into the workout, I'm on the couch with my pants down going, yeah, this is great. I heard this is like 450 calories. I read that in Esquire magazine. Yeah, Johnny Depp said that or some shit. What am I going to do pull-ups for? This feels much better.

I got to be honest. I'm really going to get shredded, I'll tell you. Jesus Christ. I'm pretty healthy. I have... I have to work out during the day because I can't sleep. I have a horrible insomnia. And everybody I tell this to, they always ask me the same question. They go, have you tried warm milk? No, I haven't for a couple of reasons. Number one, it's not 1966 anymore. Number two, I'm not a fucking three-day-old kitten.

Have I tried warm milk? Yeah, I saw a lady breastfeeding at the mall today. I went up to her, I said, I noticed you have one open. Next thing you know, I'm out like a light in front of the yarn barn for two and a half hours. Warm milk. I'd rather be up here ten years straight than drink warm milk. Who likes the taste of warm milk? Brand new babies and gay guys, right?

Exactly. Who likes the taste of warm milk? Brand new babies and gay guys, right? Exactly. Fellas, no offense, all right? I see you give me the stink eye. You're a couple of handsome fellas up front. You both got over-tight shirts on, but let's go with it, huh?

Let's play. I'm just, I got more gay friends than Kelly Ripa. I'm in show business, for Christ's sake. Don't... Fucking warm milk. My buddy goes, have you tried chamomile tea? How gay a suggestion is that coming out of a guy? I go, why don't you just suck my dick?

I'll pass on in about three minutes. Dave. Chamomile tea. All the cures for insomnia are very effeminate. Have you tried rubbing yogurt on your taint while you're doing a word scramble? There's no macho cures, you know? Nobody ever goes, have you tried snorting Valium,

drinking Jack Daniels, and jerking off twice? As a matter of fact, I haven't. I'm still tossing and turning at night. That's why I don't think a bottle of Yoo-Hoo at room temperature

is going to do the trick. Have you tried chamomile tea? I mean, what are you, shitting me? So I'm up all night, folks. I'm exhausted. I'm watching infomercials from midnight till the sun comes up.

I haven't memorized. I know more about Cindy Crawford's oily skin than her fucking doctor does at this point. Cindy wants us to believe she couldn't get laid in high school because she had a greasy forehead imagine an 18 year old Cindy Crawford how fucking hot she was

I just picture a couple of fat guys in the locker room hey you know that hot chick Cindy Crawford she wants to fuck you yeah but she's got that big zip between her nose I can't get past that Jesus Christ I'm wide awake I'm calling QVC

just to fucking kill time I'm ordering porcelain dolls a hundred at a time I'll take the Japanese one with the yellow shoes for $59.95 No, I'm not a racist I said Japanese

What the fuck you up for? Last week I ordered power love ballads of the 70s. I got 12 hours of air supply on my cell phone now. The worst infomercial when you can't sleep that comes on, that goddamn psycho from MyPillow. That fucking freak. How big is this guy's advertising budget? Jesus Christ.

Anybody else think he's got the bones of small children buried under his house somewhere in Cleveland? That guy creeps me out. He looks like a pedophile with that big fucking porno mustache from the 70s. Giant crucifix. Silky blue shirt. He's holding the pillow like it's a child

that washed up on his shore and fucking serious. I'm like, hi, how are you? I'm Mike Lindell, inventor of my pillow. And thanks to my patented fill that'll muffle the screams of any 12-year-old boy or girl, I made it machine washable

to get rid of that pesky DNA. I made it machine washable to get rid of that pesky DNA. I made it right here in my home state of Minnesota because I have felonies out in all 50 states. You know, he's got like 12 underage Asian girls tied to a loan in his basement. I need 20 more by Wednesday! Don't get mouthy with me. I'll open it. Thank you, staff.

Anyways... I'm kidding. I'm no fuckin' Deaver. Anyways... How about a hand for them letting me do this here, by the way? They've been so good to me. Seriously. to me, seriously. Yeah, so I tried Ambien. My friend said, you gotta do it. If you can't sleep, take Ambien. That's a nice pill. Have you tried that?

It's a combination of uh, Clorox and devil's semen, I'm thinking. That is the most heinous shit I've ever put on my body. If I found the needle in an alley tonight, I'd stick that in the head of my dick to knock myself off before I take another Ambien. It wiped my memory off for 72 hours. I'd come down the stairs in my robe.

I'd look like Nicholson at the end of Cuckoo's Nest after the lobotomy. My wife goes, you want coffee? I go, who the fuck are you? Get out of my house, bitch. Get out, I'm calling the cops. My neighbor calls me at like noontime. He goes, hey, do you know you tried to choke out my wife

in your underwear last night in the front lawn? I'm like, yeah, you're welcome. That shit made me violent. Not irritable, fucking like almost violent the next day. I tell my doctor that. I go, this stuff is making me almost violent. This is what my doctor says over the phone, and I quote. He goes, yeah, they really don't know how that stuff works.

What the fuck did I call this, an outgo station? What did you just say? They don't know how it works, so maybe you can ask the coroner next week when they find me face down on my tub. He gave me time-release Ambien. I don't know anything about medication. I'm pretty healthy.

Somebody explained to me after I was taking these, with time-release capsules, there's coatings on the pills, and they come off every couple hours in your stomach. I didn't know. I was cutting the Ambien right in half, getting right to the nougat center. So after taking these things,

after two minutes, I'm pissing and shitting myself on my recliner. I can't feel my feet! Honey, check the dosage! My ass is numb, is this right? I'm crawling across the floor, leaving a piss stain on the rug. I'm mumbling, like, I look like, I look like, you know, Leonardo DiCaprio in The Wolf of Wall Street. I'm like, check the dolphins! Check the dolphins!

It's horrible. I'm walking around like a fucking zombie all day. In the second half of the show, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we'll be showing what? The second half of inflammatory. What, I'm not sharp? Exactly. It's exclusively, though, on Mug Club, so join now to get it. To do that, you've got to go to atnickdip.com. Atnickdip.com.

Okay, so enjoy more of the show. Hey boys and girls, head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, t-shirts, hoodies, and more. It's yet another way for you to support the show and look sexy at the same time. You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nicka shirts. Just go to nickdip.com

and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com. Click on store. Thank you guys so much. See you soon. It's not the worst thing in some. There's a lot of shit out there thanks to the borders being wide open. You know, this... They canceled school

in Wisconsin, a middle school, last week. Two kids came to school with leprosy. Who's the last person to have leprosy? I think it was Ben Hur's mother. Imagine your kid's going to school, his buddy puts his lunchbox down, his hand breaks off on the handle. What the fuck? Oh, no, I don't know what happened.

I don't know what I'm doing. Fucking leprosy. Ebola. Two women in Sacramento. I just read this online. Two women have Ebola. They're keeping this high shot. Ebola. Ebola.

I was actually hoping to get Ebola. Not a full-blown case. I've been trying to lose Ebola, not a full-blown case. I've been trying to lose the same 10 pounds for the last 20 years. Maybe if I shit blood for 18 months straight, it might put a dent in my fat gut. But my metabolism is so slow. I could get Zika, AIDS, and Ebola for 10 years. They'd put me on the scale and go, you put on 22 pounds. Have you been cheating

on your Ebola diet, Nick? We just x-rayed your stomach. It's filled with blood and fun-sized Snickers. Ebola. Africa's given some good shit. Ebola, AIDS, L-Sharpton, all the things in life that I love.

I put all those three in the same category. Anyhow, hey, a round of applause from the predominantly white crowd. All right, let's see if they edit that out. Let's see if that stays in the show, folks, huh? That's why nobody's heard of me after 30 years. All the funniest shit gets cut on the floor. Yeah, Ebola.

People were panicking. Last week, I'm in my car listening to a radio show, and this lady calls into a talk show. She goes, so how do we avoid getting the Ebola virus oh I don't know don't lick a toilet brush at a gas station in Sierra Leone don't blow anybody in the Hyatt hot tub in Gambia don't toss the salad of a warlord from Burkina Faso the salad of a warlord from Burkina Faso. Stay in Long Island and get bladder cancer like the rest of us.

How do we avoid it? Obama even got that wrong, too. Remember, he goes, it'll be very difficult to catch in the United States. Two days later, that nurse in Texas got a nice... She was dressed like Heisenberg in Breaking Bad and she caught it.

I guess I'm safe in a T-shirt and jeans on a plane sitting next to a lady from Bangkok with a live rooster on her lap. Fucking bras just sneezed

on my omelet twice. I can see why people panic because there's a 70% mortality rate with Ebola. I'm talking to some guy on the plane. He's a complete stranger. His face is a foot from mine. He's about to sentence me to death if that piece of pork between his front teeth

becomes dislodged during the conversation. Hi, Nick, I'm headed to Pittsburgh. Cut to me in a diaper bleeding from my ass and eye holes. What happened? A guy spit an enchilada in my face. I don't know. Oh, the disease, fucking...

Zika. Let me get this straight now. I'm trying to put a positive spin. People are panicking about Zika. Let me bring some logic to the conversation. Now, do I have this right? If a pregnant woman gets bit by a fly with Zika, she's going to give birth to a baby

with a little M&M head. Am I right so far? I guess that's kind of bad. I'm not sure. Now, ladies, I don't know. All I've been hearing my whole life is how childbirth is the most painful thing anybody can go through. You see where I'm going with this?

I'm guessing it's because of the baby's head. That hurts when it comes out, right? Anybody connecting the dots on this one? I'm just saying, if I was a girl and I'm about to have my first baby and I was nervous about how much it was going to hurt, I think I'd be in the Bahamas tonight in a swamp naked

rubbing peanut butter on my tits. Nine months after the vacation, she's in the kitchen washing dishes. She goes to fart, and Todd falls on the kitchen floor. She doesn't even feel it. Her husband has to point it out. Hey, the kid's here. Wake up. Okay, he's got a tiny head.

He's in for a life of bullying, but you still have the pussy of a 14-year-old. I think we all win here, no? I'm Donald Trump, and I approve that message. Yeah. Trump likes pussy, big deal. So does Hillary. What's the big deal? I don't...

I mean... I'm not going to get into this right now. At the end of the show, I might dabble in it. Relax. She's been a little sloppy with that personal server. Fuck, I got two emails from her in my inbox this morning. Zeke, you know what disease is gonna get me, folks? I'll tell you what's gonna kill me, and I know this. You guys know I grew up in Boston. I'm a diehard Red Sox fan.

Fucking my dad taught me to hate the Yankees and shit, but this is... The Sox, the fucking Sox. This is why I know I'm gonna die of Lou Gehrig's disease. I just know it. Lou Gehrig's ghost is gonna kill me. I fucking know this. It's in my bones. This is...

I didn't realize how much I hated the Yankees until a couple years ago. I refused to take the ice bucket challenge to cure Lou Gehrig's disease. It's a fatal disease named after a Yankee? Let that shit spread like wildfire. I don't give a shit. That's a PR nightmare for those motherfuckers.

People start dying of big pappy disease, I'll dump a bucket of cat piss over my head. How am I going to help Luke Gerrig, for Christ's sake? He's the luckiest man on the face of the earth. You heard him. You remember that speech. That's what he called himself. He had, what, a month left to live? Did lucky mean something different back in the 40s? Even his friends were on the stands that night. Did he just say lucky? What the fuck?

Guy's going to be dead in about 10 minutes. Oh, yeah, you're a regular rabbit's foot, Lou. Let's go to the track tonight. Maybe we'll get you a lottery ticket. You're on fire. What, is he shitting me? But he handled it beautifully because that was that generation, right?

They had some elegance, some class to them, not like us selfish assholes. But he handled that speech beautifully. He knew he had six months to live. He's in front of

60,000 people at Yankee Stadium. He's like, today, today, today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. I don't think I would have handled it quite that classy.

I found out I had a month left to live in Fenway Park, 40,000 people. I would have been like, today, today, today. I was fucked in the ass, ass, ass by God, God, God, God. I was fucked in the ass ass ass by God, God, God, God. I was leading the league in RBIs, eyes, eyes, eyes. Now I'm shitting blood, blood, blood, blood.

There is no God, God, God. Fuck you people, people, people, people, people. You're throwing hot dogs at me in Heineken. Shut up, I'm dying, dying, dying. You're going to hell. I got mustard in my three strands of hair. I'm dying, dying, dying You go to hell I got mustard in my three strands of hair Fucking dying For those of you guys on Mug Club right now Stick around for the second half of Inflammatory

For the rest of you, you're out of luck No, everyone else go to nickdip.com And join to get my full show And Steven Crowder's full show Not to mention Alex Jones, Brian Callen, and a lot of other good stuff. While you're at nickdip.com, click on the tour button up in the corner and you'll get my tour date, September 15th, Rob's Playhouse Theater, Buffalo, New York. I hope it's not the Rob I'm thinking of. This guy sold me some dank weed. Also, the next night, September 16th, the Santander Arena in Redding, Pennsylvania,

with Greg Gutfeld. That's going to be killer. And a few of the other Fox guys, Jimmy Norton, who's on the show all the time, Jamie Lissab, really funny. We've got Joe Mackey, and it's going to be killer, okay? That's it, okay? That's it, right? Oh, we got to, they got me working a third night.

September 17th, Hilarity's Comedy Club for one night only. Great club. I love the owner, Nick Costa. Great restaurant there. You guys, I don't know why I'm telling you that. I'm just teasing you. Maybe I'll see you out there, okay? guitar solo Bye.