The Nick DiPaolo Show - Special: "Raw Nerve" | Nick Di Paolo Show #1446a

Episode Date: August 21, 2023

Today’s episode is Nick’s 2011 Comedy Special “Raw Nerve”! Nick will be discussing all of these fun topics: Cancer, The NY Mets, Texting and Driving, Slip And Slide, Getting Old, His Wife, Pussy and Twizzlers, Fat Kids, Drugs, Obama, Torture, Immigrants, Muslims, Bats, Titty Bars, Sweet Tea and the always entertaining Chris Hansen. Like what you hear? Sign in or Sign up at Mug Club and watch the full episode! https://mugclub.rumble.com/support/promo/NICKDIP Membership gets you full video episodes of The Nick Di Paolo Show, Louder With Crowder, Alex Jones, The Hodge Twins, The Bryan Callen Show, MrGunsNGear, and all other exclusive content! For Tour Dates, Merch, links to my socials and more visit https://nickdip.com

🎵 Mr. DePaulo, no one could be as nasty as you pretend to be unless they really wanted to be disliked. Shut it, Bob. Hey, guys. Welcome on a Monday, Nick DiPaolo Show. I'm not here right now. This is a hologram. I don't know, a puppet.

I'm in Dallas working with Steven Crowder, doing stuff. So what we're going to do this week is run four of my stand-up specials. Most of you are familiar with it, but maybe you haven't seen me live. Some of you might not know these because I've been around so long, I have a whole generation, a couple generations now, going, hey, who is this guy? Why the fuck didn't we hear of him? Oh, I know why. I don't like him. No. What? Anyways, the first one we're going to run is Raw Nerve. Shot this during the Obama administration, so I think you'll enjoy it because he's still relevant and I

rip him a new asshole. And I talk about cancer, according to the list. There's a bit called Pussy and Twizzlers if you want the kids. Delicious. Bats. There's a story, one of my best bits about a bat in my house that got into our bedroom that same night

after I thought I killed it. And my most popular bit ever as far as radio play, and I'm not kidding you, is the, to catch a predator. Ton of royalties on that. I don't know why. That's all on Raw Nerve,

which you're about to watch right now. Did I mention it was at Foxwoods? I did, right? Well, anyways, enjoy. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Nick DiPaolo. Hello, Foxwoods. How are you? What's going on?

I live in New York now. I can't afford to get nessed in. So I'm forced to watch the Yankees. And they show this during the baseball game. They show this commercial for the quit smoking hotline. Right? I don't know if you've seen this commercial. It's like a 60 year old woman, she's missing every other finger

because she smoked her whole life. What was she holding the cigarettes at the wrong end? She's like, why would you smoke when this could happen to you? Why? Because I know people who've been smoking for 50 years, they haven't even lost a lighter. Why? Because I know people who've been smoking for 50 years.

They haven't even lost a lighter. Now they have another commercial. It's a quit smoking hotline. They got a new one. It's like a 12-year-old kid in the backyard with his baseball glove and a ball. And he throws the ball, but nobody's there to catch it because his dad smoked. Apparently, there must be some truth to the dangers of secondary smoke Because this kid must have a brain tumor To be trying to play catch

With somebody that doesn't exist Time for a cigarette break Everything gives you cancer now, right? Everybody's worried. Big article in USA Today. Hot dogs cause cancer. Ooh, hot dogs are bad for you? There's breaking news, huh?

Ground up rats, assholes, and cat lips, and pelican teeth. Really? I thought they were loaded with niacin and vitamins, didn't you? If hot dogs cause cancer,

that little Japanese guy Kobayashi, he's going to be a tumor by 4 o'clock tonight. I have 7200 last week. Hot dogs don't cause cancer. You know what causes cancer, folks? Stress causes cancer. You know what causes stress? Worrying.

You know what causes worrying? People telling me that hot dogs cause cancer. less worrying. You know what causes worrying? People telling me that hot dogs cause cancer. We're all going to get it eventually. It's like the crabs, dandruff. You're all going to have to deal with it. And if everything gives you cancer, then nothing gives you cancer. That's my theory. I'm not afraid of cancer. I'll lay in a tanning bed for 14 hours, smoking cigarettes, talking on my cell phone, dipping hot dogs into bowls of sweet and low, licking the dust off of Ground Zero workers' boots. I don't give a shit.

I'm watching the New York Mets this summer, and they have a guy in the booth. He's a billionaire. He's gonna donate $1,000 to a children's cancer hospital every time one of the Mets hits a home run. Cheap prick. I'm sure he picked them by accident. I mean, it's a good thing he's doing,

but why not just write the kids a check for a half a billion dollars? You're gonna make somebody hit a fastball 380 feet, really? How'd you like to be a 12-year-old boy? You need a new liver. And it all depends on whether Fernando Tatis can break out of a 2-foot-20 slump. The wind-up and the pitch, and he pops up to the catcher. Billy ain't getting the wig this week, I'll tell you that much. But luckily, it's cap night here at city field and

jason bay steps to the plate uh he's responsible for leaving two runners on and the death of five-year-old girl last week is got a kid from the make-a-wish Foundation. Billy, what's your last wish? I don't know. Can we get a designated hitter in the National League? Don't build another Ronald McDonald house. Move the fences in it. Citi Field, for Christ's sake. Look at me. Stop that.

People just, huh? You're just numb from reality TV and... YouTube generation. You know how hard it is to make YouTube kids laugh? They sit home on the computer watching, like, people throw puppies into fires and stuff. Two girls shitting into a cup. Genius! Texting. Every time I hear about a young person dying behind the wheel because they were texting

I feel that much safer that's one more idiot that's not going to blindside me at a red light because she was texting about shoes at the mall these fucking kids they die on the highway

texting their heads over there their body they're still texting just they're can't find my feet. Need blood. Just had a delicious latte.

It's a nanny state, huh? Don't smoke, don't eat that. My friends, huh, you gonna get a Prius? My friend actually, huh, you gonna get a Prius? Why would I get a Prius? No, I don't want gonna get a Prius? Why would I get a Prius? No, I don't want to get a Prius. Why? Because I just passed 12 of them on a hill in a straight line, and I was on foot.

I don't want a car that loses 90% of its power when you use a cigarette lighter, okay? Ooh, a wheel. A bumper made of hemp. Yeah, that's cool, dude. How are you young guys going to get laid? How are you going to fuck girls at a Mini Cooper? What are you going to do, pick midgets up at the circus?

Beep, beep. Hey, here we go. Open the sunroof. Hop on in, Karen. Okay. Bunch of shit. I got an SUV. It's about three gallons to the wheel revolution

It's about 200 feet long I pulled into my driveway a couple weeks ago I had two Priuses stuck under it I didn't even see them I got a ticket For not wearing my seatbelt In New York City Anybody else hate this law besides me?

I'm a grown adult, $200 fine. Who am I endangering other than myself when I don't wear my seatbelt? It's not like I'm gonna go through the windshield and continue on like a heat-seeking missile and hit a daycare center. That's not what happens, right? If you don't wear your seatbelt and you're in an accident, you usually end up half in the car, half on the hood, face down, unconscious, spread eagle, covered in blood. Like prom night, right, ladies? You remember that. That's right.

Yes. Good to see the NYPD has their priorities straight. I got Al Qaeda selling me pizza on 42nd Street, and these assholes are making sure I'm buckled up tight and I don't get hurt. And I like cops. I do benefits for cops. And this guy was an arrogant son of a bitch. I rolled down my window, he goes,

hope you get a good reason for not wearing that seatbelt tonight. I went, yeah, I'm married. Nothing would make me happier than my wife having to wipe my paralyzed ass for the next 40 years just to bust her balls. That's right, bitch. Clean it up. That's right. Clean it

up. That's right. Empty that piss bucket and make me some fish sticks. Make me some fish sticks. Make me some fish sticks like that. Buckle up, it could save your life. That's what the cop actually said there. It could save your life. Blow me, it could wrinkle my shirt. I'm not buckling up. If you want to look out for my well-being, take my iPod out of my car. Those things were designed to get you killed. What's safer than scrolling through your playlist at 80 miles an hour, huh?

Trying to choose your favorite song, but it's choosing the one above it, the one below it, the one above it, the one below it, the one above it, the one below it, the one above it, the one below it. You look up, you've gone 40 miles in four seconds. There's a pair of glasses, a puddle of blood, and a cane on the hood of your car. You look up, you've gone 40 miles in four seconds. There's a pair of glasses, a puddle of blood, and a cane on the hood of your car. Oh, that reminds me.

Stairway to Heaven is in here somewhere. Is anybody gonna... Because that's my biggest fear. I'm gonna die on the highway in a crash, and the only thing that's gonna survive are my speakers and my iPod. Because I'm a 48-year-old white guy. I have the to die on the highway in a crash, and the only thing that's going to survive are my speakers and my iPod. Because I'm a 48-year-old white guy. I have the worst taste in music you have ever heard. I can just see the, you know,

cops scraping my brains off the street and all you hear is a chameleon coming out of the bushes and playing with the Queen of Hearts. It's raining men. What the hell? Hey, in the second half of the show, we're going to be showing, guess what? The second half of my special.

It'd be funny if we came back and showed you a Chappelle second half. Right? So, anyways, join Mug Club to get it. If you want to watch the second half of the show, you've got to do that at nickdip.com. Okay? Back to some more hilarity. Hey, boys and girls, head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, t-shirts, hoodies, and more. It's yet another way for you

to support the show and look sexy at the same time. You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the N-a-shirts. Just go to nickdip.com and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com. Click on store. Thank you guys so much. See you soon. Everybody's just like a safety nut. I'm on my bike in the woods in Westchester County, New York. I'm in the woods on a Sunday afternoon on my bike. There's a guy coming at me my age. No kids with him. In the woods, remind you. He's got a helmet on.

A fucking helmet. What's a raccoon gonna throw a rock at you? What are you doing? Really? Don't you have to think about these decisions before you make them? Don't you? Don't you go, let me see how many guys my age

have fallen off their bike and banged their head and died and what are my chances of getting laid with this stupid helmet on it bike helmets you hear about this this couple? They're suing Nintendo because their son hurt himself playing Wii Golf. Not even real golf. Wii Golf. This guy could have never made it through my generation. Safest game I ever got as a kid was slip and slide. Most dangerous game ever.

Remember that? That should have come with a wheelchair and a good lawyer's phone number. Remember slip and slide? You knew it was a dangerous game just by the picture on the box. Remember it was a couple waving to their kid as he'd be medevaced to a spinal cord injury?

Right in the directions, it tells you how to insert a catheter into a 12-year-old penis. You're like, holy shit, this isn't good, Dad. And my parents gave me this game on my 10th birthday, which is in January, by the way. It's 11 degrees. I'm in my underwear in the driveway. My father's hosing me down. Get on your stomach and take off the helmet, you pussy. Let's see if this thing works.

Let's go. I like this. Tonight is a nice mixed crowd. You know what traditional comedy clubs have turned into? Traditional comedy club audiences. It's like packs of women. It's like eight women at one table trying to cheer up their one miserable friend, you know?

Ooh, Diane had a miscarriage. Let's take her to the funny bone. I'm not going to make some girl laugh who just left a zygote in the toilet at the low cineplex eight hours ago. What am I, Houdini? This is what I do. I still like it. I still enjoy comedy.

I liked it better when I first got into it when I was 25 years old. I was single, it was about getting laid after the show, you know? I'd go on the road, check in a hotel, went to the nearest drugstore, buy candles, condoms, bottle of wine, maybe some Hot Pockets in case I picked up a fat one.

Now I'm married, I go on the road, I check into the hotel, I run to the nearest drugstore. It's not about getting laid. I buy like hair coloring, baby wipes, jigsaw puzzles. It's four in the morning, I'm laying on the hotel bed by myself with pitch black hair sparkling clean asshole trying to find the corner piece to a covered bridge what's sadder than a comedian sitting in a hot tub at a four-star hotel at three-in-a-moon by himself cutting fart bubbles and giggling you know I remember when those are pussy farts I gotta get back on TV I remember when those were pussy farts.

I got to get back on TV. My dreams aren't coming true. This is a good night for me, but let's be honest, folks. Ever watch 80s biography and realize what a shitty, boring life you're leading? I was watching the one on Ted Williams, the baseball player. This guy raised himself as a latchkey kid, gets drafted by the Boston Red Sox,

becomes the greatest hitter in the history of baseball. At the peak of his career, he signs up for World War II, becomes the most decorated fighter pilot in that war, goes back into baseball. He's the last guy to hit 400, sleeps with every woman in Boston 22 times, signs up for the Korean War, gets four more medals. And then the show ends, and I look at the shelf above my TV.

There's a picture of me in fifth grade holding a three-inch sunfish yeah the signs I'm getting old I'll tell you another sign I'm getting old I was watching porn I'm watching a porn movie in a hotel room about ten minutes into the movie I get bored I pick up the newspaper and start reading about healthcare. I get two 20-year-old girls making out with each other naked, and I'm like, what, they're gonna take a half a billion dollars out of Medicaid?

That's bullshit! Got my reading glasses on the end of my nose. Should never be watching porn with reading glasses on. I look like a perverted Ben Franklin sitting in the dark. All I need is a pen with a feather in it to tickle my own balls. That would make this perfect. Aging at mock speed, folks. They don't tell you how fast life goes by.

One minute, you know, you're 18 years old. You're banging high school cheerleaders. Then in a blink of an eye, you're 48, you're sitting on a bench in front of Hickory Farms at the mall wearing a members-only jacket, waiting for your wife to pick up your Flomax. That's when I feel my oldest, when I'm at the mall, you know, when I see these young girls I used to smile at, they used to smile back.

Now they look at me like, what's that buttafuku guy staring at? And I know I can't sleep with these girls. Apparently it's inappropriate when you're married, so... I just try to creep them out now. You know, I'll follow them right into Abercrombie and Fitch and just stand a foot behind him while they're picking out jeans for an hour just going yeah get those the ones with the holes in the ass I like those get him I said oh did I say that out loud

physically I feel like shit, you know? This is how I know I'm getting old. I actually pulled a muscle in my neck, giving my wife the finger behind her back. That's a true story, folks. We're having a fight, and she walked out of the kitchen. I went, ah, Jesus. Don't run away, honey, I'm hurt.

Am I that old I got to warm up before I give somebody the finger? Nick, what are you doing? About to tell my wife to go shit in her hat. Pull a neck muscle yelling at her. You know what we were fighting about? She wanted a security system for the house and they wanted

$8,000 to install it. So I said no. So according to my wife, that means I don't love her. Which I don't, but it's got nothing to do with the security system. And this was her argument. She goes, what if one of those illegal aliens we see in the neighborhood tries to break into the house and rape me? I'm like, what do your fantasies

have to do with this? She goes, I'm serious. He could cut my throat and leave me to die. What do my fantasies have to do with this? Imagine the ego on my wife. She thinks some illegal immigrant wants to have sex with her. Although she's right.

You know, they do jobs Americans don't want to do anymore. Yeah, she's getting old. I'm getting old. We go on vacation. This year she wanted to go to Antigua. Speaking of old people, ever been to Antigua? Jesus, you find younger bodies on the beaches of Normandy, for Christ's sake.

It's like 90-year-old French people naked playing Frisbee. You ever see a 90-year-old guy's ass crack? It's like a used coffee filter. Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ha-ha! So I took Cialis, because my wife wants to have sex two times a day

when we're on vacation, which is two times more than I want to have it in a year at this point. I blew my load when I was 18. I'm tired. Doing jerking off and getting laid. It's empty. There's dust in there.

So I took Cialis, you know, which isn't a manly thing to do, but I did it manly like. I crushed it up and I put it on a dirty spoon and cooked it with a Bic lighter in an alley. Tied my cock off an extension cord I found behind a dumpster. Put it in a dirty syringe and shot it right out of the head of my dick. Just like Keith Richards in the 60s in a dressing room. Thing about Cialis is they don't tell you. It stays in your system for three days. I didn't know that.

So the next day I'm at the beach explaining to my wife why I have an erection while I'm watching a three-year-old boy make a sandcastle. I'm trying to come up with excuses. What do you mean? It's a perfect sandcastle. I'm excited about that. You're not excited about that? And look at that kid's ass. It's the same size yours was when I met you about 30 years ago. Hey, boys and girls, for those of you on Mug Club, stick around for the second half of my special. Everyone else, go to nickdip.com to join and to get the rest of the special. Also, Steven Crowder's full show and a whole lot more.

Okay? Now back to Raw Nerve. guitar solo Outro Music