The Nick DiPaolo Show - Special: Raw Nerve | Nick Di Paolo Show #1743

Episode Date: May 29, 2025

In this episode we revisit Nick’s Special: “Raw Nerve” for you new folks and first timers! To watch FULL EPISODES and get ALL RUMBLE PREMIUM content AD FREE, join by clicking the link below, then the red RUMBLE PREMIUM button.  https://rumble.com/c/TheNickDiPaoloShow/exclusive MERCH - Grab some snazzy t-shirts, hats, hoodies,mugs, stickers etc. from our store! https://shop.nickdip.com/ Visit our website to keep up to date! - https://nickdip.com FOLLOW ME ON SOCIALS -   https://nickdipaolo.komi.io/

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I'm a man, I'm a man Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Nick DiPaolo. Hello, Foxwoods. How are ya? What's going on? I live in New York now, I can't afford to get in essence, right? I'm forced to watch the Yankees and they show this during the baseball game, they show this commercial for the Quit Smoking Hotline, right? I don't know if you've seen this commercial, it's like a 60 year old woman, she's missing

every other finger because she smoked her whole life. What was she holding the cigarettes at the wrong end? She's like, why would you smoke when this could happen to you? Why? Because I know people who've been smoking for 50 years, they haven't even lost a lighter. Now they have another commercial. It's the quit smoking hotline. They got a new one.

It's like a 12 year old kid in the backyard with his baseball glove and a ball. And he throws the ball, but nobody's there to catch it because his dad smoked. Apparently, there must be some truth to the dangers of secondary smoke because this kid must have a brain tumor to be trying to play catch with somebody that doesn't exist. I mean, I mean,

I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,

I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, Time for a cigarette break. Everything gives you cancer now, right? Everybody's worried.

Big article in USA Today. Hot dogs cause cancer. Ooh, hot dogs are bad for you? This is breaking news, huh? Ground up rats, assholes, and cat lips, and pelican teeth? Really? I thought they would load with niacin and vitamins, didn't you? If hot dogs cause cancer, that little Japanese guy, Kobayashi, he's gonna be a tumor by four o'clock tonight.

Did I have 7200 last week? Hot dogs don't cause cancer. You know what causes cancer, folks? Stress causes cancer. You know what causes stress? Worrying. You know what causes worrying? People telling me that hot dogs cause cancer. We're all gonna get it eventually. It's like the crabs, dandruff. You're all gonna have to deal with it. And if everything gives you cancer,

then nothing gives you cancer. That's my theory. I'm not afraid of cancer. I'll lay in a tanning bed for 14 hours, smoking cigarettes, talking on my cell phone, dipping hot dogs into bowls of sweet and low, licking the dust off a ground zero worker's boots. I don't give a shit. I'm watching the New York Mets this summer,

and they have a guy in the booth. He's a billionaire, he's gonna donate $1,000 to a children's cancer hospital every time one of the Mets hits a home run. Cheap prick. I'm sure he picked them by accident, you know. I mean, it's a good thing he's doing, but why not just write the kids a check

for a half a billion dollars? You're gonna make somebody hit a fastball 380 feet, really? How'd they like to be a 12-year-old boy? You need a new liver, and it all depends on whether Fernando Tatis can break out of a two-for-20 slump. And they'll wind up in the pitch, and he pops up to the catcher.

Billy ain't getting the wig this week. I'll tell you that much. But luckily, it's cap night here at Citi Field. And Jason Bay steps at a plate. He's responsible for leaving two runners on and the death of five year old girl last week. Got a kid from the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Billy, what's your last wish?

I don't know, can we get a designated hitter in the National League? Don't build another Ronald McDonald house. Move the fences in at City Field for Christ's sake. Look at me. Stop that. People just, you're just numb from reality TV and... YouTube generation.

You know how hard it is to make YouTube kids laugh? They sit home on the computer watching, like, people throw puppies into fires and stuff, and... Two girls shitting into a cup. Genius! Texting. Every time I hear about a young person dying behind the wheel because they were texting,

I feel that much safer. That's one more idiot that's not going to blindside me at a red light because she was texting about shoes at the mall. These fucking kids, they die in the highway texting. Their heads over there, their body, and they're still texting. Just they're, oh. Can't find my feet. Ah. Ah. Need blood. Need blood. Just had a delicious latte.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

It's a nanny state, huh? Don't smoke, don't eat that. My friends, huh, you gonna get a Prius? My friend actually, yeah, you gonna get a Prius? Why would I get a Prius? No, I don't wanna get a Prius, why? Because I just passed 12 of them on a hill on a straight line and I was on foot. I don't want a car that loses 90% of its power

when you use a cigarette lighter, okay? Ooh, a wheel, a bumper made of hemp. Yeah, that's cool, dude. How are you young guys gonna get laid? How are you gonna fuck girls at a Mini Cooper? A bumper made of hemp. Yeah, that's cool, dude. How are you young guys gonna get laid? How are you gonna fuck girls at a Mini Cooper? What are you gonna, pick midgets up at the circus? Beep, beep, hey, here we go, open the sunroof. Hop on in, Karen.

Okay. Bunch of shit. I got a SUV, it's about three gallons to the Wheel Revolution. It's about 200 feet long. I pulled into my driveway a couple weeks ago. I had two Priuses stuck under it. I didn't even see them. I forgot to...

I got a ticket for not wearing my seat belt in New York City. Anybody else hate this law besides me? I'm a grown adult, $200 fine. Who am I endangering other than myself when I don't wear my seatbelt? It's not like I'm gonna go through the windshield and continue on like a heat-seeking missile and hit a daycare center.

That's not what happens, right? If you don't wear your seatbelt and you're in an accident, you usually end up half in the car, half on the hood, face down, unconscious, spread eagle, covered in blood. Like prom night, right ladies? You remember that. That's right. Yes. Good to see the NYPD has their priorities straight. I got Al Qaeda selling me pizza on 42nd Street,

and these assholes are making sure I'm buckled up tight and I don't get hurt. NYPD has their priorities straight. I got Al Qaeda selling me pizza on 42nd Street, and these assholes are making sure I'm buckled up tight and I don't get hurt. And I like cops, I do benefits for cops. Now this guy was an arrogant son of a bitch. I rolled down my window, he goes, hope you get a good reason for not wearing that seatbelt tonight.

I went, yeah, I'm married. Ha ha ha. Nothing would make me happier than my wife having to wipe my paralyzed ass for the next 40 years just to bust her balls. That's right bitch, clean it up. That's right, clean it up. That's right.

That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. Empty that piss bucket and make me some fish sticks. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. Empty that piss bucket and make me some fish sticks. Make me some fish sticks, I said.

Buckle up, it could save your life. The cop actually said that, it could save your life. Blow me, it could wrinkle my shirt. I'm not buckling up. If you want to look out for my well-being, take my iPod out of my car. Those things were designed to get you killed. What's safer than scrolling through your playlist at 80 miles an hour, huh? Trying to choose your favorite song, but it's choosing the one above it, the one below it, the one above it, the one below it, the one above it, the one below it, the one above

it, the one below it. If you look up, you've gone 40 miles in four seconds. There's a pair of glasses, a puddle of blood, and a cane on the hood of your car. Oh, that reminds me, Stairway to Heaven is in here somewhere. Is anybody gonna find it? No, no, no.

Cause that's my biggest fear. I'm gonna die on the highway in a crash, and the only thing that's gonna survive are my speakers and my iPod. Cause I'm a 48 year old white guy. I have the worst taste of music you have ever heard. I can just see the, you know, cops scraping my brains off the street and all you hear is

come a chameleon coming out of the bushes and playing with a queen of hearts. It's raining men. What the hell? Hey, in the second half of the show we're gonna be showing guess what the second half of my special It'd be funny if we came back and showed you a chapelle second half, right? So anyways join mug club to get it if you want to watch the second half of the show You got to do that at Nick dip

Dot-com okay back to some more hilarity second half of the show, you got to do that at nickdip.com. Okay? Back to some more hilarity. Hey boys and girls, head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, t-shirts, hoodies, and more. Which yet another way for you to support the show and look sexy at the same time. You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nick Assure. Just go to nickdip.com and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com, click on store.

Thank you guys so much. See you soon. Everybody's just like a safety nut. I'm on my bike in the woods in Westchester County, New York. I'm in the woods on a Sunday afternoon on my bike. There's a guy coming at me my age, no kids with him, in the woods, remind you, he's got a helmet on. A fucking helmet.

What's a raccoon gonna throw a rock at you? What are you doing? Really? Don't you have to think about these decisions before you make them? Don't you? Don't you go to think about these decisions before you make them? Don't you? Don't you go, uh, let me see, how many guys my age have fallen off their bike and banged their head and died?

And what am I chance of getting laid with this stupid helmet on? Bike helmets. You hear about this, this, this couple, they're, uh, they're su suing Nintendo because their son heard himself playing Wii Golf. Not even real golf, Wii Golf. This guy could have never made it through my generation. Safest game I ever got as a kid was Slip and Slide. Most dangerous game ever, remember that? That should have come with a wheelchair and a good lawyer's phone number.

Remember slip and slide? You knew it was a dangerous game. Just by the picture on the box. Remember there was a couple waving to their kid as he'd been medevaced to a spinal cord injury hospital? Somebody was a couple waving to their kid as he'd been medevaced to a spinal cord injury husband. Right in the directions, it tells you how to insert a catheter into a 12 year old penis. You're like, holy shit, this isn't good, dad.

My parents gave me this game on my 10th birthday, which is in January, by the way. It's 11 degrees, I'm in my underwear in the driveway, my father's hosing me down. Get on your stomach and take off the helmet, you pussy. Let's see if this thing works. Let's go. I like this. Tonight is a nice mixed crowd. You know what? Traditional comedy clubs have turned into

traditional comedy club audiences. It's like packs of women. It's like eight women at one table trying to cheer up their one miserable friend, you know? Ooh, Diane had a miscarriage. Let's take her to the funny bone. I'm not gonna make some girl laugh who just left a zygote in the toilet

at the low Cineplex eight hours ago. What am I, Houdini? This is what I do. I still like it. I still enjoy comedy. I liked it better when I first got into it when I was 25 years old. I was single. It was about getting laid after the show. You know, I'd go on the road, check in a hotel, went to the nearest drug store,

buy candles, condoms, bottle of wine, maybe some hot pockets in case I picked up a fat one. I'm married, I go on the road, I check into the hotel, I run to the nearest drug store, it's not about getting laid, I buy like hair coloring, baby wipes, jigsaw puzzles. It's four in the morning, I'm laying in the hotel bed by myself with pitch black hair, sparkling clean asshole. Trying to find the corner piece to a covered bridge. What's sadder than a comedian sitting in a hut top at a four star hotel at three and him by himself cutting fart bubbles and giggling. I remember when those were pussy farts,

I gotta get back on TV. My dreams aren't coming true. This is a good night for me, but let's be honest, folks. Ever watch 80s biography and realize what a shitty, boring life you're leading? I was watching the one on Ted Williams, the baseball player. This guy raised himself as a latchkey kid, gets drafted by the Boston Red Sox, becomes the greatest hitter in the history of baseball. At the peak of his career, he signs up for World War II, becomes the most decorated fighter pilot in that war,

goes back into baseball, he's the last guy to hit 400, sleeps with every woman in Boston 22 times, signs up for the Korean War, gets four more medals, and then the show ends, and I look at the shelf above my TV. There's a picture of me in fifth grade holding a three inch sunfish. Yeah.

Yeah, there's signs I'm getting old, I'll tell you. Another sign I'm getting old. I was watching porn. I'm watching a porn movie in a hotel room. About 10 minutes into the movie, I get bored. I pick up the newspaper and start reading about healthcare. I get two 20-year-old girls making out with each other naked, and I'm like, what? They're gonna take a half a billion dollars

out of Medicaid? That's bullshit. I've got my reading glasses on the end of my nose. I should never be watching porn with reading glasses on. I look like a perverted Ben Franklin sitting in the dark. All I need is a pen with a feather in it to tickle my own balls. That would make this perfect. Aging at mock speed, folks.

They don't tell you how fast life goes by. One minute, you know, you're 18 years old, you're banging high school cheerleaders, and in a blink of an eye, you're 48, you're sitting on a bench in front of Hickory Farms at the mall wearing a members only jacket. Waitin' for your wife to pick up your Flomax. That's when I feel my oldest, when I'm at the mall, you know, when I see these young

girls I used to smile at, they used to smile back, now they look at me like, what's that butterfucko guy staring at? And I know I can't sleep with these girls, apparently it's inappropriate when you're married so... I just try to creep them out now. You know, I'll follow them right into Abercrombie and Fitch and just stand a foot behind them while they're picking out jeans for an hour.

Just going. Pfft. Yeah, get those, the ones with the holes in the ass. I like those. Get them, I said! Ooh, did I say that out loud? Pfft. Physically, I feel like shit, you know?

This is how I know I'm getting old. I actually pulled a muscle in my neck, giving my wife the finger behind her back. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a true story, folks.

We're having a fight and she walked out of the kitchen. I went, ah, Jesus! Yeah. Don't run away, honey, I'm hurt! My that old, I gotta warm up before I give somebody the finger? Nick, what are you doing? I'm about to tell my wife to go shit in her hat.

Pull a neck muscle yelling at it. You know what we were fighting about? You wanted a security system for the house and they wanted $8,000 to install it. So I said, no. So according to my wife, that means I don't love her. Which I don't, but it's got nothing to do with the security system.

And this was her argument. She goes, what if one of those illegal aliens we see in the neighborhood tries to break into the house and rape me? I'm like, what do your fantasies have to do with this? She goes, I'm serious. He could cut my throat and leave me to die. What do my fantasies have to do with this?

Imagine the ego on my wife. She thinks some illegal immigrant wants to have sex with her. Although she's right, you know, they do jobs Americans don't want to do anymore. She's getting old, I'm getting old. We go on vacation. This year she wanted to go to Antigua. Speaking of old people, ever been to Antigua? Jesus, you find younger bodies on the beaches of Normandy

for Christ's sake. It's like nine year old French people naked playing frisbee. You ever see a nine year old guy's ass crack? It's like a used coffee filter. Boom, boom, ha, ha. Boom, boom, ha, ha, boom. So I took Cialis, because my wife wants to have sex two times a day when we're on vacation,

which is two times more than I want to have it in a year at this point. I blew my load when I was 18. I'm tired, but doing jerking off and getting laid, it's empty, it's dust in there. So I took Cialis, you know, which isn't a manly thing to do, but I did it manly-like. I crushed it up and I put it on a dirty spoon

and cooked it with a Bic lighter in an alley. Tied my cock off with an extension cord. I found behind a dumpster, put it in a dirty syringe, and shot it right in the head of my dick. Just like Keith Richards in the 60s and a dressing was like, eh. I don't know. Thing about Cialises, they don't tell you

it stays in your system for three days. I didn't know that. So the next day I'm at the beach explaining to my wife why I have an erection while I'm watching a three-year-old boy make a sandcastle. You know. I'm trying to come up with excuses.

What do you mean? It's a perfect sandcastle. I'm excited about that. You're not excited about that? And look at that kid's ass. It's the same size yours was when I met you about 30 years ago. Hey boys and girls, real quick, I got dates, a couple dates confirmed. We're not going to put them up until we know everything.

We're going to put like four or five stand-up dates that are at the end of the summer and fall. Actually, one in July. But if you want to support this show, go to nickdip.com, go to the merchandise page which my wife busted her ass to make. We have hats, mugs, Nick DiPaolo crutches we have. Those things are flying off the shelf. And skateboards, glasses of iced tea with actual tea in them with the Nick DiPaulo logo. Hope FedEx handles them carefully. So

buy something there to support the show. Also you can watch full episodes of my show and louder with Crowder and all exclusive rumble premium content. You can do that ad free with just one subscription. So join rumble premium by clicking the link in the description below you'll be glad you did folks now back to the show me hi tonight everybody I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm gonna be the one to make you feel better I'm gonna be the one to make you feel better I'm gonna be the one to make you feel better I'm gonna be the one to make you feel better

I'm gonna be the one to make you feel better