The Nick DiPaolo Show - SS Opened Fire in DC | Nick Di Paolo Show #1481

Episode Date: November 13, 2023

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about Grand theft auto, Grins and Glocks, Biden's wreath laying and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 Good morning, my neighbors! Hey, fuck you! Ah, New York, New York. Folks, how are you? Welcome to the show. Hope you had a great weekend. Today's Monday. Today's Monday. We pre-taped a great interview with Ben Stein.

It'll be airing next week. He's got a new book out, and God damn, is he funny. Guy's almost 80 years old, and I'm telling you, it's the best one we've done. No doubt. 80 years old and I'm telling you it's the best one we've done no doubt it's amazing when the other guys giving some energy back yeah it was so fun and I always admired that guy

from afar I thought he was funny and smart and whatnot close friends with Nixon that's what the book's about what else NFL still fucking the flag league like they really do even, does anybody do quality control anymore? Do they watch the fucking product and go, ugh, every three minutes, just. Um, and I'm not just saying that because I stink picking games this year.

My goddamn mother is 15th out of 125 people. Anyhow, what else, Dallas? Dallas came over yesterday and had pizza that I made in the oven. Him and Gianna. First time they've been to the house since they were married. And yeah. And we had the teleprompter that the new teleprompter

that has been just we usually tape the show at one in the afternoon it's now 3 10 and it's just a fucking the thing the new one this doesn't work the app doesn't fucking connect the remote. Nothing. It's going back. Anyhow, what are you going to do? Tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to do a show and make it the best one I've ever done. Oh, stop. Oh, stop. Interesting.

Let's start off. This kind of broke this morning right before, as I was reading the headlines. Grand Theft Auto. What does that mean? Well, you know what it means. The SS Secret Service opened fire on car thieves in D.C. This was not just any car. It was a very important person's car.

And it is D.C., so let's not be surprised. Can you imagine the Capitol? It's like a fucking war zone. You people. Anyways, here's Peter Doocy to tell you some of the details. Secret service officers

who are assigned to protect Naomi Biden. That's President Biden's granddaughter, Hunter Biden's daughter, opened fire at three people who were trying to steal one of the secret service vehicles. Well, we don't know that, but I'm going to go out on a limb. I'm going to go out on a limb this thick. I'm going to go out on a limb. I'm going to go out on a limb this thick. That's actually pretty funny. That it was a person,

a persons of color. I'm just going to go out on a limb. Racist or not, I don't give a fuck anymore. I'm done. I will generalize about every now. Say everybody, since they can generalize about white people,

it's fucking gloves are off. Put them up. I'd say that to Colin Quinn, he goes, really? You haven't been doing that your whole life? He goes, really? That's what we've been getting from you walking on that job?

During this encounter, a federal agent discharged a service weapon. It is believed no one was struck. The offenders immediately ran a 4-2-40 and a 4-8 vertical leap, fled the scene in a red vehicle, there's another hint, and a regional lookout was issued to supporting units. There was no threat to any protectees, and the incident is being investigated, oh yes,

by the D.C. Metropolitan Police Department and the Secret Goddamn Service. and police department and a secret goddamn service. Agents protecting Naomi Biden were out with the 29-year-old in Georgetown in a nice neighborhood late Sunday when they caught three people attempting to break into a parked, unmarked secret service because there's a certain segment of this country whose parents, or parents, singular, doesn't teach them that taking somebody else's shit is wrong. I think they almost encourage it at this point. I don't know what Nia Burr would have to say about that.

Anyways, unmarked vehicle in the area, trying to break into a service vehicle, you know, like a fucking White House sedan. Anyways, a spokesperson for the D.C. Police Department did not immediately respond to a request for comment. The nation's capital has seen a drastic rise in carjackings and car thefts this year. In the past year, police have received reports of more than 750 carjackings in a year. That's only going to get better with all the immigrants pouring in that we, you know. And over 6,000 stolen vehicles

welcome to the third world shithole created by none other than you cocksuckers on the left yes do you have to use that language yes yes said my dad you know I'm saying isn't that funny

I wonder if Joel get on it what do you hey your granddaughter who's that what no idea no idea and boy was he good this week at the fucking

tomb of the unknown soldier he started to wrestle with a wreath I think we get footage of that later on poor bastard it really is verging on elder soldier. He started to wrestle with a wreath. I think we get footage of that later on. Poor bastard. It really is verging on elder abuse. Jill Biden is the biggest twat there ever was, apparently. Watch your man be hung out to dry like that. Anyhow, let's stay on guns since a gun was commissioned in that last story. Grins and Glocks. Finally, some good news. New Invisalign.

That's right. New Invisalign. Those are those braces for adults, right? Kind of clear or whatever. New Invisalign patients now have the option of receiving a membership at the Youngsville Gun Club and Range or a new Glock 19 through a promotion launched by Wake Forest, North Carolina's Dr. Jason Gladwell. Good for you, Jason.

You got to admit we're a gun loving country when your dentist is going, hey, you know, go good with those fillings. Here, do your own fillings. Here's some lead. those fillings? Here, do your own fillings. Here's some lead. Those choosing the Glock handgun had to attend Youngville's gun club and range to undergo the requisite background checks in order to take possession of the firearm. I didn't do that when I bought my gun because the guy, when he was selling it to me, said, we started discussing, you know, when you might need it. He goes, nine out of 10 shootings are within four

feet or some shit. And then his next question was, we have a safety. Do you want to sign up for this? And I said, you just said it was within four feet, right? I'm pretty good. I said, I used to shoot pheasants fucking a hundred yards away. Anyways, North Carolina Council of Churches Director Jennifer Copeland, oh, let me guess, a woman has a problem with this, was apoplectic over the promotion. They're giving away guns that are going to be lodged in a house somewhere. It will potentially create gun violence and gun death. Will you shut up?

Will you? Will you please shut up? Fucking broads. Honest to God. And the sad part is there's many guys now that think, and again, the guys are both Democrats, that think like broads. It's mind-blowing, she says to me,

that an organization that I think of as trying to provide health care to the people in the community, there you go, there's that word, is partnering their health care with gun death. Is that what they're doing? Is that what they're doing? Is that what they're doing? So do you speak out every time somebody innocent gets shot? Do you say anything?

Or do you speak out when somebody, a good guy with a gun, stops a robbery? Or you just cherry pick you? You're so dumb, you should hang yourself with those fake pearls. Cherry pick you. You're so dumb, you should hang yourself with those fake pearls. Attorney Ron Shook commented on the giveaway saying, the concern here is that we're not having firearms transferred to folks who do not qualify to possess them. This could be folks with criminal histories, mental health issues,

drug and alcohol abuse issues, restraining orders against them, or in the case of a handgun, under the age of 21. You're lying. And you're a piece of shit. Is she concerned like she is? Seems like it. Bitch.

Biatch. Wouldn't it be funny if somebody shot that bird over his shoulder? As they were doing that. Look at this guy. He's worried about gun violence. Meanwhile, he's got the beard of every Hamas guy. A background check for a firearm purchase.

You know, it asks about criminal history, mental health, drug addiction, et cetera. They don't bring that into the conversation. Ian Gladwell made clear participating patients had to be 21 or older. So all those things are covered that you were worried about. So what's the problem? Yeah, no, exactly.

All those things are covered, but were worried about. So what's the problem? No, exactly. All those things are covered but because you guys have nothing else to do other than fucking control of people's lives and the worst crime storm in history in this country, you could argue, in every city, shut the fuck up. We've heard from you. Okay? We've tried it your way. Guy in New York,

I didn't even report on this. Was it this weekend? White guy sees a woman getting mugged, right, in the subway. Does a couple like warning shots at the guy. The broad who was being the victim of the crime complained about him having a gun. So go fuck yourself. All bets are off. Anyhow, ladies and gentlemen, hey, in the second half of the show, I'm going to be talking about a big name on the GOP debate stage that dropped out, surprisingly, not surprising to me, because he seems like a nice fella, and you know, he has his morals and values, but not an exciting fella, I'll give you a hint, he's black, he's the only one,

that kind of narrows it down, doesn't it? Also, you won't believe what the IDF, that's the Israeli, you know, defense forces, found in one of Hamas's hideouts. It's a book that, God, I've read 10 times. No, I'm kidding. It's exclusively, by the way, if you want to hear those stories on Mug Club,

so join now to get it at NickDip. That's NickDip.com. Hey, boys and girls, head over to NickDip.com to get exclusive hats, T-shirts, hoodies, and more. It's yet another way for you to support the show and look sexy at the same time. You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nick-a-shirts. Just go to nickdip.com and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com, click on store. Thank you guys so much. See you soon. Hey, why was my wife all grouchy? Huh? What did I do? What don't you do? I didn't do anything. I don't like that. What the hell did I do? I didn't do anything.

I don't like that. The hell did I do? Oh, I came to work and tried to do my job. Hmm. I don't know. Anyways, let's move on to some more Biden news. That schmuck. Biden lays a wreath and an egg. Well, he's doing it.

Nick, you're clever. I know. President Biden suffered in an embarrassing moment. You really think he gets embarrassed at this time? Of confusion at the tomb of the unknown soldier. As he stumbled through a Veterans Day service, the president, 181 years old, needed stage directions from an Arlington honor guard after laying a ceremonial wreath, taking several steps in the wrong direction before he was pointed to his spot next to VP shithead and dogface Vice President Kamala Harris. We need some, you know what, I got to get some Larry David music from Curb. We need things like that.

I think I got that from Crowder, but who cares? Let's show Joe again, just lost in space. Okay. How long do I stand here? My ass is getting tired i'm going back to what huh get out of here the marines like you're dope this poor prick oh if he could have tripped and fell down what the fuck and the whole world sees that, by the way, not to exaggerate, but they do. You don't think Chinese and fucking Russian? Yeah. Biden then delivered a speech on

his favorite drink, Ensure, how it firms up his stools and gives him niacin and vitamins. Biden then delivered a speech on the ultimate sacrifice of American troops, acknowledging escalating global tensions because of him, as he praised how Americans stand watch around the world, often with great personal peril, nothing you or your senator

or colleagues would ever know about. Obama strategist, I don't know why we still care what this prick face has to say. He was an Obama strategist. David don't know why we still care what this prick face has to say. He was an Obama strategist. David Axelrod warns 80-year-old Biden's age issue is huge. It's huge for Democrats. Here he is.

And again, this guy is boring his tits on a pigeon. I mean, there's just a lot of concern about the age issue. And that is something that I think he needs to ponder. Just do a check and say, is this the right thing to do? To what?

To what? They asked Biden about the comments about his age, and he said this. You say you're a little tired this morning. Is that right? I am tired. She is very tired. That's actually, I heard, your favorite activity to do at the center here is to take a little nap.

Take a nap as many times as I can. What are we doing? What's going on right now? You're shitting your pants. You're eating strained peaches. You dink. Don't you love that? That was an old one.

My concern is that Donald Trump, this is Axelrod still yapping away. Again, the guy who got fucking Obama elected. This guy should be taken out and hung by his balls if he has any. He says, my concern is that Donald Trump has a high floor and a low ceiling. What are you talking about? It's Trump Towers. And you throw a bunch

of third-party candidates in there, and you are making it much more likely that he wins in the election. Well, what's wrong with that? That's where anybody on TV should go. We had the best economy under him, right? We were energy independent, right? Right? We didn't hear from fucking ISIS or anybody. Squash that. There was actually peace in the Middle East for the fucking few years.

Directly related to him, by the way. So why don't you want to go back? Democracy is at peril. It's already being stolen. We're watching it being stolen. You're trying to prosecute your political opponent. They're throwing Trump in jail, and they're calling him the threat to democracy.

Have you had enough, folks? Have you had enough? Get Trump in there, and we can have a a big party and I'll be very happy. Hey, everybody, we're all going to get laid. God damn right, Mr. Trump. Well, I gave you a little hint, but it's stories coming up in the first half of the show. Tim, go bye bye. South Carolina Senator Tim Scott,

maybe the most boring black man I've ever encountered because black people are not born. We've made that clear very, and he's a nice guy, honestly. He should be in the cabinet. Seriously, he appreciates what the country's given him and blah, blah, blah. Just, this isn't your time, man. You need a Trump right now. You're actually too nice. South Carolina Senator Tim Scott suspended his 2024 presidential campaign, announcing the news on an episode of Sunday Night in America with Trey Gowdy, a guy who hasn't decided on the right hairdo in fucking four years, but a very smart

lawyer type fella. So Tim, Tim be out the race. South Carolina Republican launched his campaign back in May. He has served as a U.S. senator since 2013. Now, does he go back to the Senate? Or does he try out for the Cardinals? What's he do? Oh, by the way, living down here, as far as NFL coverage, my fucking least favorite division is, what are they? I don't even know what they call it.

I can't even, South, the South, AFL, AFL, with 1958, AFC South with, you know,

Tennessee. I hate all these teams, Indianapolis, Tennessee, Jacksonville. Anyways, the Patriots happen to be playing the Colts, and I wanted to see if they were as bad as their record.

And you know what? They weren't. They were worse. Fucking horrendous. Bill Belichick, you better watch out, man. Bye-bye. Oh my God, that was so bad. I actually feel bad for him. Anyhow, I'm starting to become a Raiders fan again because Antonio Pierce, kind of a fucking

roughneck, kind of a gangster type dude. He used to be a linebacker for the Giants. He's the Raiders coach. He's trying to bring back that nasty fucking old school. Speaking of Giants. What? What happened? How terrible they are. Oh, come on.

Don't prejudge them. Prejudge. Come on. They're fundamentally sound. I know. When teams are bad, they are really bad in the NFL. You know what I'm saying? God, great.

Anyways, hey, for those of you guys on Mug Club right now, stick around for the second half of this show. Everyone else, go to nickdip.com and join to get my full show. You guys don't want to leave me right now. Look at me, piece of ass. And Steven Crowder's show and a whole lot more. You guys know. He had the story of the week in The Nation last that was trending about that manifesto that the trans prick shot up a school remember yeah he jumped all over

there and the left tried to even bury that isn't it fucking amazing isn't it they're burying shit that everybody's i don't know what their end game is but i don't like it guitar solo guitar solo Bye.