The Nick DiPaolo Show - Swalwell Doesn't End Well | The Nick Di Paolo Show #1879

Episode Date: April 13, 2026

In today's episode, Nick talks about The Strait of Hormuz Blockade, Eric Swalwell In Deep Doo Doo, Woman Loses Face To Dog, Gun Play At Chik-Fil-A, A Naked Black Man and A Different Kind of Whistleblower! The FULL SHOW is live streaming & FREE-ONLY on Rumble! Join our LIVE CHAT at 6pm ET every Mon-Thu or watch the FULL EPISODE anytime on demand after 7pm ET. Follow my Channel and get notified! https://rumble.com/c/TheNickDiPaoloShow MERCH - Grab some mugs, hats, hoodies, shirts, stickers etc… https://shop.nickdip.com/ PERSONAL VIDEO FROM ME – Send someone a personal video from me! Go to https://shoutout.us/nickdipaolo  or www.cameo.com/nickdipaolo SOCIALS/COMEDY- Follow me on Socials or Stream some of my Comedy!  https://nickdipaolo.komi.io/

This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. Last year, I went through many different life changes. I needed to take a pause and examine how I was feeling in the inside to better show up for the ones who need me to be my best version of myself. When you're navigating life's changes, Talkspace can help. Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatry providers that you can access anytime, anywhere. Living a busy life, navigating a long-distance relationship, becoming a first stepfather, Talkspace made all of those journeys possible. I could speak with my therapist in the office.

I could speak with my therapist in the comfort of my home. I was never alone. Talkspace works with most major insurers, and most insured members have a $0. No insurance, no problem. Now get $80 off your first month with promo code Space 80 when you go to Talkspace.com. Match with a licensed therapist today at Talkspace.com. Save $80 with code space 80 at talkspace.com. God damn guineas really make me laugh.

I take you, brother, you're getting chased out of New York from the five families. The quality only family don't have that kind of muscle anymore. Is that why you slap my brother out in public? Oh, oh, my. I was just an understanding. Mo didn't mean. That's when he took sides with the other fit.

Mo Green, by the way, from Boston, the actor. God, those guys must be. all long gone almost. Poor Cheryl Ladd. Well, let me welcome you to the show. Live lineup where you get these free shows all day. If you want to watch Ad for you join Rumble Premium, don't forget to follow my channel and download the Rumble app.

Today I'll be talking about the Strait of Ormursa, the blockade. Eric Swalwell. It couldn't happen to a nicer douche. Enjoy your vacation, Dickweed. a woman lose his face, not like the Japanese way, to a pit bull. Gun play at Chick-fil-A

because there's still colors are on. And that's about it. A couple things where society banged heads, Islam versus over in England. But that's it. Very entertaining show. Let's wrap up. Let's do a recap at a weekend.

And Sox Bruins, real quick for you, Boston fans of mine, and I do have a lot. Red Sox came out of their coma. They won two series in a row. Two or three from Milwaukee, who was a real team. Then they went to St. Louis and faced a shitty team. Took two out of three from there. Scored 16 runs in the last two games. Unbelievable pitching by Rangers Suarez and whoever went yesterday, Brian Bellows, whatever his name is.

anyways and I love this Wilson Contreras, this guy we got from St. Louis, who is a hut head. He's Hispanic to the core. But I love him because not only is he a power hit, by the way, he hit a couple in St. Louis. And he gets on base. He had four hits yesterday. He's been on base between walks and getting hit by pitches.

Did I talk about this? He got hit by when they were playing Milwaukee and he get drilled by a pitch. It was the 26 times. he had been hit by Milwaukee pitchers. And after the game, he goes, next time it happens, I'm taking him out. I'm taking. And Alex Corr goes, I don't know what taking him out means,

but I don't. And you can tell he's serious. He's built like a brickshed house. He can run tremendous. He's been a catcher his whole life. We made him a first basement. Well, maybe before he came to us. Tremendous defense on this guy and a bat

and everything I was hoping for. I like his passion. You know, sometimes you get turned off. You're like, all right, no need to get upset when you get hit by a pitch. But then I realized this team had hit him 26 times. And his brother was the catcher, I think, for Milwaukee. So when he got drilled, his brother knew his brother had to keep him going after the fucking very, anyways, played great ball.

And Roman Anthony, don't work. People are shit in their pants. Yeah, he's still not hitting right now. Although he hit a couple balls real sharply yesterday. You know how that works. But anyways, they finally broke out of their offensive slump. Very impressive. What else?

I had a physical and I told you right. I had arthritis on my neck. Do we go over that last week? When I x-rayed my neck and it looked like I'm fucking pelicans. Yeah, I had a physical and doctors. I like him. He's kind of a little bit pompous. But like he sits down on it's a computer.

He don't look at me the whole time I'm in there. And I go, yeah, I have, you know, I get the, my sleep is my problem. He's not even, he's just typing away. I don't even know he's listening. The root of all, I feel like shit because I don't work out. I don't work out because I don't sleep. I go, it's been going on for fucking two years now. It's not, you know, yeah, he looks at me.

What's that? Excuse me? The fuck, we had a ball game. Anyways. And I went to my wife's gynecologist for my pap smear. I do every four months. He says I have one. I don't even know what it is.

He goes down there and he goes like this with a toothbrush and he comes out with some poop on it. And he smears it on the wall and he goes, Dicto. True story, folks. Now, he is the greatest. I love this guy.

I won't say his last name. His first name is Joe. He is the gynecologist in Savannah. And I always walk in and I go, I go, God damn, you see a lot of pussy, huh? He goes, you think any of it. looks good. I don't know how long you've been married.

I go, don't give me that shit. I was in a waiting room. I saw a couple. They were at least sevens. You know? Let me me that fucking shit. We have to date him and get him drunk for two years before we can see that shit. You put a dish from candy corn on it. It's a magazine in your fucking... He's a funny fuck, though.

He's... I love him. He's a real southerner. He likes my show, but I curse too much. He hates it when I take the Lord's name in vain. Meanwhile, he's making pussy jokes. You know, I go, dude, you're all fucked up. Just be honest with yourself. So he gave you the pellets in my ass cheek.

That's the testosterone that keeps me El Buffalo. Yeah, that's awkward, too. You're laying your stomach. But he's making jokes as he shoved him. And not in my asshole, folks, in my ass cheek. He makes an incision and sticks those in. And while I was there, I was complaining about my sleep. And he goes, and I got to hand it to him

because he got me on the testosterone shit. And he mentioned, I think he mentioned the Ozepic to me originally, you know. He's not afraid of any of the shit. I go, of course you're not. You're fucking. So I said, yeah, my sleep, I can't take it. I'm going to commit suicide. And he goes, go ahead.

I don't give a fuck long as your wife keeps coming. I go, what the fuck kind of talk is that? I go, you see her pussy more than I do. I don't like that type of shit. You understand? And he's laughing. He goes, I see her boobs too. I go, what do you doing?

What's this? Muffler shop? What are you doing? You see it all? Got a dance floor in here? I should know about. I'm going to do a whole chapter on gynecology, by the way, in that book I'm writing right now. And I still say it was a genius scam by some guy who had pimples and buck teeth and created this thing.

A great idea. And people, girls fell for it. I know you have babies. It's a little more complicated down there, but come on. Anyways, yeah. So I told him about my sleep problems. and he goes, my wife has taken a pill. He goes, it's going to, you're going to sleep like a baby.

And again, I've heard this. But I had never heard of this. There's a series of drugs or a type of drug called Dora. That's the drug category, Dora. And under that, and I can't remember the goddamn, the company that made this pill is called, oh, God, Andy, it's like Davino. Hey, Vino. Hey, Vinnie. How you doing?

Huh? Sky Rizzi. Yeah, Sky Rizzi. That one I can remember. Fucking Sky Rizzi. Sounds like a band out of Portland. A ticket for the Sky Rizzies and the fucking, you know what's. But he's got some pill.

He wrote me a prescription that I've never heard. I'm dying. I can't wait. I don't care if I fucking die in my sleep. That'll be a nice sleep. So I can't wait to try that. By the way, Thursday, Alex Stein, our friend, I'll be interviewing him. He's the guy, he's the YouTube sensation who goes out for years and just goes to these left-wing rallies and bus balls like nobody I've ever seen.

He's funny. He's personable. I don't know how he, he doesn't get murdered. So he will be the show on Thursday. Sleep drug. Ordered some shirts that a couple weeks ago. Of course, they say 100 dress shirts, $120

marked down to, you know, half, $60. And they look great on the 22-year-old male model. I order them, and get them in about a week, like they say. And the whole thing, it says, non, you can throw them in the wash, let them drip dry, no wrinkle,

blib, blah, blah. I take them out of the package. There was, I go, these motherfucking chink cock suckers. By the way, it's a company, it's called, bleaker. That's New York. That's supposedly they have a, I don't know if it's a brick and motor store, but they have their headquarters in New York, which means nothing. These Chinese

people know how to play us like, and they know exactly what I love. So I ordered a shirt just like this, but this isn't it. I get it. It's like 98% polyester, which isn't, it's, whatever, but it was this exact color. I didn't know I had this in my closet. So there was a waste. and the other two are so wrinkled as Polly as Polly Walmutz said look at my fucking arms got more wrinkles than an all ladies' cunt

that was on the Sopranos folks that's all I'm going to say if you don't watch that you're gay that's about it had the physical they said I'll be dead to wait but no my thyroid he gave me something for my thyroid which I'm like really I'm fucking

I'm already on the shit and I'm glad he did because all my life I've been saying, I'm telling you my thyroid's underperforming and it looks like it a little bit. So he gave me shit for that. I'm like an old man, man. I get up now, I have a fucking thing labeled

with fucking pills. A lot of them are just natural shit, but now I got lip-a-talk as my, I gave in. I go, dude, this is how he put it to me. He goes, if we give you the stat and you have a one-in-10 chance of having a heart attack instead of a one-in-five,

I don't know how he knows that. And I still think it's about selling pills and I'm sick of hair and I go, whatever. I don't give a fuck. So that you guys know. And yeah, I weighed 190 on the nose. Then he looks at my ears and nose like it's 1958.

I'm in fucking Mayberry RFD. Why don't you hit me on the knee with that rubber hammer to you heck? And then he says this too. He goes, I go, boy, you guys guys are at a time today. He goes, yeah, it's Friday. I felt like going, so is that why? When I come on on Tuesday, I sit here for a fucking hour? You like everybody else? You just want to put in your 40 and get the fuck on? And I don't blame him because doctors have no control

anymore. It's all corporations telling him what to do, and he's fed up with it, you know? So anyways, that's enough of boring you folks. Let's get to it. Hold on. Let me put the air back on. I'm like a fucking like I'm having hot flash. It's right in front of me. It's written, though. And I made it And I said to Dallas I've said this 18 times I know but I fucking

I have I mastered the New York pizza I mastered it show it look at this thing it's like a supermodel of pizzas look at that thing look how even

Lee brown the crust is the bottom's like a dark yet not burnt and when I did the pizza cutter it's crackling the whole way through you hold it up the slice does this and if you guys make pizza, I'm going to say it again.

Boy, this just turns into a real greaseball show, hasn't it? Use raw tomato when you never put cooked tomato sauce on your pizza. It's raw tomato. Whether you take them out of the can like Sam Arzano and crush them with your hands. You know, then you add olive oil and all the Italian spices and shit like that, whatever. And maybe a touch of paste just to thicken it up. I used actual compari tomatoes. They're about the size of a golf ball.

I threw those in a food press. I hit them twice, pulsed them twice. Dumped a lot of the water out because they're pretty watery. But then I added, you know, a little bit of paste. And that's the key. I was talking to Colin on the phone. He's Quinn's from Brooklyn. Nobody knows pizza better than people who grew up in Brooklyn.

And I used to eat a place called tannados, I think, in Brooklyn. And I go, why? What is it about this pizza? This is before I cooked. I go, there's something, and I've had it before at other places. Why is the sauce like, what do I like? It's bright. It's fresh. It's not. And then I

fucking after cook it for 10 years, I realized you don't put it, it's raw tomatoes. That fucker, dude. I was going to bring a slice into Dallas, but I said, but if you put it in a, you can eat it cold, but I want you to have it taste, you know. And if you put it in the microwave, microwaves make bread chewy. You guys know that.

You can blow a bubble with it. Like my wife's bread. What? What? Let's get on with it. So that was my pizza and it tasted as good as it fucking looks. Mother of God. I've talked so much that this, see this, stick it up some fucking Chinese guy's asshole or Japanese. Who made it? I'm always blaming them. What? Is it China? Because, you know, the Japs do a lot of this shit. What kind of talk is that? Funny talk. me turn this back on. Come on. I hope people are still listening. Negotiating with nitwits, stalls. That's the headline over the weekend. President Trump announced that the United States

will get a sweeping blockade of the Strait of Hormuz, vowing to fight back against Iran's world extortion, that's in quotes, and to assure that no one paying tolls to the regime will get through the critical oil choke point. Trump claimed that the negotiations with Iran that concluded Saturday without a deal went well. Is he the most positive but fault of the Islamic Republic for refusing to budge on its nuclear program, which he described as the only point that really mad at these guys,

you've got to hand it to these crazy Iranian bastards. You can threaten them. And here's why. You know, why they're not scared of threats and being blown a month? Because they think they're going to bang 72 virgins. Seriously. They think the afterlife is better. But then again, they live in that shit all. I think that too. Why do you think you see so many suicide terrorists that come out of the Middle East and not Hawaii? You get my drift? Here's a video, and I don't even know what it's about, but it's about

the peace talks and, oh, that yankst, drinks to yinks. Didn't this guy get hurt a couple years ago to war? Roll it. With no deal in place, there are questions about if and when the war could resume. There are still disagreements over the Strait of Hormuz and Iranian uranium enrichment. We do understand overnight, President Trump posted on true social, saying, quote, we're now starting the process of clearing out the Strait of Hormuz as a favor to countries all over the world, including China, Japan, South Korea, France, Germany, and many others. Incredibly, they don't have the courage or will to do this work themselves.

He's had it with NATO. And we, I don't give a shit, we should get out. Well, then you're, then, you know, then, then you'll create a vacuum and Russia will move in and now they won't. No, they won't. And if they do, we take them on. What's the point of being a superpower? At some point, we will reach an all being allowed to go in, all being allowed to go out basis. Trump said.

But Iran has not allowed that to happen by merely saying there may be a mine of, out there somewhere that nobody knows about but them. They are something else, man. This is world extortion, and leaders of countries, especially the United States of America, will never be extorted. Yes, sir. No one who pays an illegal toll will have safe passage on the high seas.

Over a fifth of the world's seaborne oil supply once traversed through the Strait of Hormuz, Iran has used drones and missiles to deter oil. vessels from traveling through the critical choke point. Iran claims who have placed mines in the straight but has lost track of them, which I actually believe. I mean, they count with an abacus over there still. Is that what it's called? It is attempted to charge a toll of one dollar per barrel for oil for ships to get through safely. Iran has sought to use revenue from those tolls to rebuild its country, which means, you know, giving money to terrorists and proxy groups all over the

after Operation Epic Fury. They still won't give up the nuclear part. The president didn't lay out a specific time. Now, see, now I'm all excited. I can't, I get up in the morning. And you guys say, don't look at the phone. And you're right at night. But I'm so afraid before I go to sleep,

something probably happened. The president didn't lay out a specific timeline for when the blockade will officially begin, but tease that it's happening soon. U.S. officials led by Vice President J.D. Vance met with the Iranian negotiators in Islamabad, Pakistan, for close to 21 hours of marathon talks to broker a more permanent end to the war, but came away without an agreement. And they negate, I read, they say they negotiated right through the night.

Don and Josh said that. That's me. Anyway, so that's where that stands. Who knows, it probably changed since I left my house. Folks, I'm going back out on the road. And again, the future of my stand-up career is in your hands. As much as I love doing stand-up, the parts that I hate, like the travel outweigh at this point. I don't know how to say it, especially with this fucking me not being able to sleep to try to do a show when you've been up for fucking 22 hours and you're 64.

It's kind of hard. three Bacardi and Cokes, you can't really focus. May 7th, the punchline, Atlanta, Georgia. May 8th, sold Joel's Potsdown, Pennsylvania. And those are great gigs, by the... May 9th, the Rivers Casino in Philly. That'll be interesting. Casino and Philly.

Hope I don't get hit with some gunplay. Anyways, go to nickdip.com to get your tickets now before they are sold out. And go to the merchandise page when you're there. And we've got the plastic caps. We can't keep those on the shelf. they keep falling on the floor. We got the Nick DePollock chattering teeth and the bedpan.

Hats and hoodies, microskirts, mini skirts, tampons, IUDs, and bite chains. Also, want to send the personalized video to somebody else say what you're thinking so you don't have to book it at shoutout.us. This is a paid message from GoFundMe giving funds, the zero fee DAF. Meet Andy. He uses GoFundMe's giving funds to donate to causes he believes. I've been using donor advised funds for about 20 years now. I find them really convenient because I could stock away the money when it makes sense for me and then I can distribute it when it makes sense for me. So for many years, I had a donor advised fund at one of the big

financial supermarkets. And I generally donate to three or four regular charities. And the reason why I moved from that big financial supermarket to GoFundMe was because the GoFundMe fees were zero. So I used to pay a fee every year at the financial supermarket. I don't pay a fee at GoFundMe. And I like where they invest my money while it's waiting to be put to work. Already have a DAF? Transfer it over. We'll cover the DAF pay fees. Start your giving fund today at gofundme.com slash giving.

That's gofund me.com slash giving. This message reflects one person's experience. Trump straight of Hormo's strategy. He called then to the money chick, whatever her name is, the money babe. the Maria Barak Taromo, who looks good again. She's a very attractive lady, and, you know, like anybody else, she got old, but she's on the junk. I can tell you that right now. She's on the junk.

And Colin Quinn said, this broad had a crush on Colin. This is when she was hot. You know who had a crush on me? Fucking L. Roker. Used to say happy birthday, even when it wasn't my birthday. That's a bad sign. Then he lost all the way to say, I'm not interested. You don't look like you.

You look like somebody let the air out of a fucking tire. Here's Trump, anyways, calling in to Maria's show on Sunday and talking about the straight. It's called all in and all out. There'll be a time when we'll have them all come in and all come out. But it won't be a percentage. It won't be a friend of yours. Like a country that's your ally or a country that your friend is all or nothing. And that won't be in too long a distance.

No, we're just bringing the ships up. got a lot of ships that we're bringing them up. We think that numerous countries are going to be helping us with this also, but we're putting on a complete blockade. We're not going to let Iran make money on selling oil to people that they like and not people that they don't like or whatever it is. It's going to be all or none, and that's the way it is. And it'll be, you saw what we did with Venezuela.

It'll be something very similar to that, but at a higher level. Is a guy not a leader? And I know he has experts helping him, obviously, but nobody knows how to fucking pressure people and make a deal. And I was reading some military guy goes, this is a genius move to set up a blockade. And the guy listed 10 ways that it's going to hurt Iran financially. I mean,

broke it down to each barrel and how many billions they'll lose like a week. And I guess their inflation is already hyperinflation, like 147%. It's only going to... It'll crush them financially. The whole thing will collapse. According to that military guy, and his name was something, Michael.

McHale's Navy. Oh, my God. Joe Edwards. Uh-oh. That's my... That's the doctor I was just talking about. Oh, shit. Wah-Wong.

No, he doesn't. He can't be. He's up to his elbows and pussy right now. Donate blood. Ooh. I'm guessing the high hematur is because I'm always de-homal. I was hydrated.

What? I wrote that months ago, and I never hit the send button. I'm checking. My blood's, you know what? My red blood cells are very high. Are they very high? What's normal? Let me see.

What's normal? Tell me what's normal, you fuckers. It's at 52.7. Prevital C was at 54.7. Okay, it went down, but it's still high. where's the fucking norm? How does this help me? I quit medical school.

Anyways, donate blood, which I do. I have very thick blood because I'm dehydrated a lot too. Anyways, like I said, enjoy the show now because I don't know how long I'll be wrong. I'm one of those guys that look like I'm pretty good shape and shit, and then you find me. Like I said, at Planet Fitness on the toilet bleeding from my eyes and ass. And it had nothing to do with my high blood pressure. Let's move on, I guess.

In our Libs Eating Libs segment tonight, and boy, I get hard just bringing this story to you folks, and I know you'll love it too. Rep Eric Swalwell, as I call him, Swallows Well, political career is collapsing at a shocking speed. He's a douchebag. He's a liar. He's a piece of, he's ignorant.

He's got West Coast stupid in his veins. And he's getting his just desserts. Within 24 hours, the Bay Area Congressman went from Democratic frontrunner for California governor to facing pressure to not only end this campaign, but resign from Congress. While now being the subject of a criminal sexual assault investigation into allegations by a former staffer, she was raped while drunk at an April 24 charity, a gala. She's saying that he raped her. Again, you always got to presume, because we already learned from hashtag me too,

always believe the woman. Shut the fuck up. Not that I'm defending this creep, but, you know, especially when you're a senator. You know, shit goes on. But this guy, just the fact that even, I love the fact that it's already, this footage. Anyways, what's the, here's a video of him pretending, look, he's a politician. Tonight, Democratic Congressman Eric Swalwell, a top contender, the California governor's race denying accusations made by a former staffer that he sexually assaulted

her. These allegations of sexual assault are flat, false. They're absolutely false. They did not happen. The San Francisco Chronicle publishing the accountable the paper did not name, who says she was 21 when she interned in Swalwell's California District Office. She claims, according to the Chronicle, that Swalwell pursued her, sending her explicit images, and in 2019, sexually assaulted her in a hotel room. I'm sure. Three other women, if that's not enough, have made claims about sexual misconduct

ranging from inappropriate messages. Let me ask a question, though, where were these broads? This happened a while ago. I got a question of timing. Guys, you know how much I hate this guy. I'm praying it's all true. Out of all the lefties out there, he's in the top three, I just fucking hate him.

sexual misconduct ranging from inappropriate messages or unwanted contact. The woman have claimed they have documented visits to the hospital in contemporaneous messages with friends and family about the incidents. And again, a lot of women don't come forward because they, you know, they're ashamed and all that, which is true. One staff has also claimed she woke up naked next to him. So did I. You know, we had a few hynicans.

I got fucking crazy, man. and woke up next to him in a hotel room in 2019. I'm kidding. It was a trainee. I woke up next. After a heavy night of drinking and didn't remember what happened, but felt physically like they had sex. Well, that's not going to hold up in court, sweetheart.

The Manhattan District Attorney's Office launched a criminal probe into the woman's rape claim. Why Manhattan must have happened in New York? I was pushing him off of me saying no, said my wife on our honeymoon. Then my wife blew a whistle. and the guy from the red roof in and Nashville comes in and says, listen, no. He said I was yelling.

The woman says I was pushing him and saying no, and he didn't stop. Swahua has furiously denied the allegations of rape. Really? He didn't come out and confirm him? And sexual assault. We already showed this? Oh, this is, okay. A lot has been said about me today

through anonymous allegations. I thought it was important that you see and hear from me directly. It's not. These allegations of sexual assault are flat, false. They are absolutely false. They did not happen.

They have never happened. And I will fight them with everything that I have. You are a lying cock sucker. Not that I know, but I'm just, again, speculation. You lie for a living. You were banging a Chinese spy. You were so stupid you didn't know she was a spy.

you moron you're a west coast dult i fucking hate you more than cancer i don't know if i hate cancer that much depends who gets it you know i mean uh anyways a very good looking woman a former former congressman it says and i guess man is appropriate katie porter seen here holy fucking look at the forearms like babe ruth look at her here she is applauding um two dikes chowing on each other at a Arby's. I don't know. Katie Porter, a former congressman, man, emphasized man, was what of many candidates.

This is an angry dyke, too. Oh, she nasty. And the race for governor calling on Swarwell to end his campaign and to resign from Congress. I love because she's running against him. If she wasn't, she'd be defending him. But right away, Michael Trojillo, a Democratic political strategist based in L.A.

said he had heard of improper relationships between Swalwell and staff as far back as 2017. But even he was taken back by the rape allegations. He said narcissistic sociopaths think they're good guys. So no matter what Eric Swalwell has been accused of, he still thinks he's a good person. He said, oh, I like that Trujillo guy. That's a Democrat who's going to shift together. Swalwell's resistance to dropping out of the race has done little to kids. his campaign staff from hemorrhaging.

We're trying to help the staff find new jobs. People who are new and cared and believed and put their professional lives on the line and one campaign source said. Now here is a little footage that's not going to help him. Right? Is this him on the bed? Check this out.

That's terrific. That's him with a prostitute. And he's married, by the way. So with kids. Kids, fuck the kids. Just fuck the kids. These are adult problems. You go play on a swing set.

Yeah, but I'm 28. In my mind, kids are always six. Fucking, he's probably good kids at a 19th. Anyways, I don't know what to tell you, folks, but I am so happy about that. Am I supposed to go, well, we don't want to see anybody's, yeah, we do. He's a bad person. He's a bad person. Just like Nancy Pelosi's a bad person.

Just like AOC. Hakeem, these are bad people. They're not just fucking lying congressman and politicians. They're bad people. They want nothing but the worst for you in this country. And if you haven't caught on to that now, I don't know what to fucking tell you. Let's move

on to losing face. A young mother had her face torn apart by her rescue pit bull. I wonder if she's still bragging about rescue. After she suffered a seizure and he thought she was dancing like a black guy and passed out on a

kitchen floor harrowing images show. Karma David. Oh, my God. Her name's karma. Do you understand? She rescued this thing from a shelter, and it tore her face off. That's sort of karma in reverse type of reverse anti-cama. Anyways, that's her. Before I guess she put on weight and ship, but me and Dallas were doing some psychoanalysis. You can tell so much with the blue hair. You know, she's going to save the whales, the dogs and probably doesn't relate to people too good. Beautiful skin, beautiful face that is no longer beautiful.

She got the glasses that Michael Douglas Warren falling down, the female version. Anyways, Carmen Davis, 25 of Peoria, Illinois. How many times have I done, I don't even report them all, the pit bull attacks, but since I've done this podcast, we're in double digits. As far as people getting killed, I remember a couple in San Francisco were torn apart in a, in a, you know what, an apartment building by the neighbor's dog. I remember people who own dogs are getting torn apart. Cameron Davis, 25, they shouldn't be allowed.

Let me just get it out of the way. Pit bulls should not be allowed to be family pets. Make them police dogs, you know, as much as I love my German shepherds and some of my favorite. Make them police dogs. Because my sister-in-law has a pit bull. the gentleman who passed a few months ago I told you about had a pit bull and when we went up there and I drove to Connecticut I walked in the house and he started growling at me he could sense

I was scared shit of him you know and I don't know what to but but then you see that dog there's pictures of him with the late Joe Lauren's husband that dog would snuggle up to him like it was a poodle but still I'd be nervous Kammer Davis of Peoria, Illinois suffered an epileptic attack on March 2nd that left her unconscious and at the mercy of her family's pit bull.

That's a good dog. You're unconscious. You know what, I'm hungry. The bowl's empty. Is that a tit or elbow? I don't know. The dog's name was Faso. I kind of like that.

While I was unconscious, this is her talking out of her three mouths, our family dogs severely injured my face. She wrote, oh, go, holy. Can hardly see it.

That's her friends. I get the prompt tonight. Don't worry. Full makeup. Huh? You look natural. It shows your teeth and your gums are healthy. You get healthy gums.

Holy moly. There was a ugly looking thing staring right at me. It was horrible. Finally get that one in there. Look at that poor lady. Oh, my, look. The nose is gone. One of her ears, her fucking left ear.

They said her whole, this was all, they had to put this back like her chin and shit. The images show that the dog mulled her nearly cheek to cheek, practically eating her lips and leaving the bottom half of her face torn wide open. Along with her lips, listen to this, Karma lost a large portion of her left cheek as well as the bottom of her nose and left ear. Her right ear was partially torn, but surgeons were able to reattach it. I can see the dog just doing this, can't you? And try to. And that's the dog that she saved. No good deed, honey.

Davis, a mother of 11 teen kids. No, a mother of one, said she did not know what happened during her seizure as she woke up in shock to call her fiancé Trenton Davis. Davis was rushed, the girl, to a hospital where she was placed in a medically induced coma for nearly three. She didn't know how bad her face was, and she facetimed her boyfriend. And he's like, you got to get to a hot, you know, you get to call 911. How fucking horrible a story. They put her in a coma for three days. The mother was forced to undergo weeks of reconstructive surgery, try and save her face.

She continues to undergo regular visits with plastic surgeons, with Davis dependent on a G-tube for nourishment. That's where you girls eat. through that? Oh, G-tube. I'm sorry. It has to be the G-sp... You can't have two Gs on you. I don't even know what I'm saying, because she's not able to eat normally due to her wounds. Faso, who the family had for four years, was taken away by animal control and euthanized, following the attack. That's right. Sit down. Four years. Four years? Yeah, four years, which means that they cannot be trusted. Yes, especially one in a shelter.

They put it down with the, you know, they put it down. They just plies on the nuts and they kept twisting it. That's what you're listening to. Billy Burr has a bit about his wife getting up, I think it was a pit bull without asking him from a rescue shelter. It's, and this is saying it along because Billy Burr's a great community. It's as funny as anything he's ever written. I heard it in a car and I actually had to text him.

Listen to that because it's just like, It's about this. I just don't understand why people don't heed the warning. I mean, we've had a thousand of these stories in the last 10 years, yet you keep getting pitfalls. And I don't want to hear this. Well, it's how you raise them. It's how you...

That's such bullshit. There's plenty of people who have raised them from pups that they attack their neighbors or whatever the fuck. And what scares me is Crowder has a dog. I told it's an Argentine. Argentine, Argentinian wufo, who, I don't want to fuck the name of a dojo, Argentinian dojo, who apparently the Argentinian dojo's, you know, square inch pressure as far as a bite is way stronger than a pit bulls.

And a pit bulls is like 300, 500 pounds per square inch or some shit. Anyways, get a nice faggy dog like I have that you can kick across the floor anytime it acts up. You know what I mean? Be the master of your. own dog. Let's move on to gunplay at Chick-fil-A. Gee, fast food joint gun play. Let me guess. Illegal Polish immigrants. Police are investigating a shooting at a Chick-fil-A in Union Township, New Jersey, eh? That's right next to Newark. I know where it is. Officers respond to reports of a shooting at the fast food restaurant on Route 22 near Gelb Avenue just after 845 on

Saturday night. A man told CBS News New York, his girlfriend works at the Chick-fil-A and said a group of men came into the restaurant and went directly behind, by the way, they were wearing masks. I don't know why they don't fucking say that in the first chapter. And went directly behind the counter

where they fired multiple shots. Again, Chick-fil-A. They had that on audio. A family member of another worker said there was some sort of altercation in that a chick-fil-A employees were injured. in the violence.

Well, police have not confirmed details regarding the incident. Let me think about Chick-fil-A. I don't. They must, every state have ever been that has one, I drive by, there is a line around the building for the drive-thru.

I know the one in Georgia. I've never not seen less than 12, 15 cars. Doesn't matter what time of day it is. And I had it. I was like, it's good. I don't know. Well, police have not confirmed details regarding the incident at this time. There was a large emergency response at the scene late Saturday night.

I got an unconscious witness. I've got one shot in the face and I have at least two in the leg. A 911 dispatcher says an audio obtained by CBS, officers and employees could be seen inside the restaurant while additional officers could be seen canvassing the parking lot. New Jersey governor, a Mikey Cheryl, that's a girl, released the following statement. I believe it's because men did it. End of statement.

No. I have been briefed on the shooting last night in Union Township. As a local law enforcement, as local law enforcement continues their investigation, we remain in close contact with officials on the ground. You couldn't get a hold of people in Artemis, too? get the fuck out of here. What's the matter with you? What's the matter with you? My thoughts were those

who were injured in the shooting and with their families. By the way, one of them died. Again, the reporting sucks a bag of dicks here. I am grateful to our first responders for the swift action and continued efforts to keep the community safe. Yesterday as a suspect,

they took a suspect into a... They have them doing the perp walk here. Check it out. Nearby parking lot, they found this guy. Oh, that's that cow that says eat more chicken. That makes sense. No, it doesn't. Why would you kill the...

Why would you kill the Chick-fil-A? The guy who did that bit of stupid. Should have put some thought into that one. Can I get a diet? Anyhow, fun with the audio. My mouth's done. Ah! And now for Nick's video of the day.

In our vaudeville segment tonight, we got two of the video. them for you. Let me tell you something about this. The first one, chaos erupted aboard a London train. Why would anybody, I see my comic friends, all the young guns who are doing very well, they're going over there. And I understand. You want to play over. But I wouldn't go to London, even if they wanted me to do comedy over there. I wouldn't go over there. I don't need that Muslim horseshit. I'd be safer in Tehran. Chaos erupted aboard a London train when passengers confirmed. front of the pervert exposing himself in a crowded carriage.

As you know, London isn't London anymore. The UK isn't the UK anymore. It's basically, we'll call it the Middle East West. You know what I'm saying? Might as well be Islamabad. The incident, they let another culture, an openly hostile culture, open the doors to him and let him in. first time of the history of this planet.

And America's almost doing the same. The incident reportedly occurred on the district line as the train pulled into East Ham Station. I had the East Ham there. Witnesses say commuters beat the suspect and carried him onto the platform where authorities were called. Did the witnesses mention he pulled down his pants

and they were kids and shit? Or did he just mentioned he got beat up? because it was a bunch of white guys finally doing what they're supposed to do to a piece of shit fucking, you know what? What the fuck? I'm trying to think of a... He's an infidel. The man described in a white t-shirt and headphones was taken into police custody. That's the black guy.

I think he, am I assuming he was Muslim? I don't... I can't remember. Did it mention it in the article? Did I... Maybe I put that in there. Either way, doesn't... doesn't have much respect for society in the West.

Let's take a look. Look at this. There's kids right over there, by the way. Yo, you need to kill the fucking train, by God. You need to kill a fuck out. Fuck off. Look at this fucking.

Fuck off. What do you mean? Fuck off. Pause. This is why I love British people. What do you mean? Fuck off. If that's an American,

and you go and put your fucking pants on your fucking blah blah you don't go the guy yells something back the guy goes fuck you asshole fuck you asshole we don't do that we continue to yell over you and then fucking get physical what do you mean he goes what do you mean

it's like Joe Pesci and uh enraging bull and De Niro tells him punch him in the face at the kitchen table he goes what do you a faggot dena goes and then he fucking punch him and he goes I ain't no fag

that's what that's what offended him Go ahead. Here's where you push him. Here's where you push him. Well, his pants are around his ankles. You get it? If you're going to get, and they do get physical. But that's when you want to get him when his pants are around his ankles.

Right? All right. I love it. I love it. Fuck, you're fucking shit. Fucking dead. Look at the women trying to get a look. Look at the women trying to get a look.

I love it. It takes a lot to get some white guys that angry in England. Good for you, my British friends. It's amazing what they, what that fucking guy that the, I don't know if it's the president or the mayor of London. Is it Stama who's the president now or the prime minister? Whatever the fuck they go? Yeah, Starmer's Prime Minister.

Yeah, he's a... Islamic dude is the mayor. Yeah, but Stomers worse than him. Stomers, they actually, there was a rape ring over there. Islamic's capturing young British girls raping. The whole story that went on for years. And the government was hiding it up out of political correctness. Insane.

In fucking same. For our second vaudeville tonight, video of the day. Kind of related. More ass involved. When I say more, the operative word is more. This actually happened at a game yesterday in Major League Baseball at Tampa, against the Cubs, I guess. And I sent this to a few of my friends, and their first question is this AI, which I understand because this is something you think was AI. But I knew it wasn't because it was on SportsCenter. I was watching the Sox, the announcers. It happened a couple days ago, a couple nights ago.

The Sox announcers were talking about and shit, so I had to get on my phone and see what was up. Kind of an embarrassing moment, but check it out. You'll have a nice laugh. Keep an eye on the fat guy. This guy right here. Oh. Oh.

Yeah, fat fuck, look at you. Let's do that again a couple more times. Pause. Your fat fuck, look at you. Let it go. God. Everybody are right down there? The guy goes,

Y'all fat fuck, look at you. The poor bastard. He is all over TV. And he's probably the game alone. I don't see too many friends with him. You know? But God damn, dude. Now, I hope it's a teachable moment,

as the worst president of history said, that fucking cock sucker. You know, it's a teachable moment. I hope he'll see that and go, you know, I should really try that Ozempic. Shoot it right into my vagina. I think. So that,

and that was Nick's video of the day. Plural. Ta-da-d-d-d-d-da-da-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. All right, let's move on to blow that whistle, son. Baseball fans were, well, let's show the video. it said they had a guy whistle. What game was it, Della? Huh? Orioles, that's right.

Baltimore. Orioles were playing the San Francisco Giants in Baltimore. They had a guy from the Whistling Hall of Fame. You heard me. The Whistling Hall of Fame. I'll tell you who should be in there. It hasn't even been inducted yet. The guy who did the Andy Griffith show, the opening.

I don't know why don't they have him in there. He's, uh, anyways, they had a guy whistle the National Anthem, which I like. I like they're trying something fucking different. You know how nervous? Apparently you're not nervous. Because when you get nervous in front of a large card, your mouth goes dry. It's the first thing that goes dry. So this guy had to blow like the whole team before he did this.

I don't know. But here he is whistling the National Anthem. Then we'll give you a review. Four time whistling champion and member of the Whistling Hall of Fame, Chris Olman, who will now honor our nation with his. rendition of our star spangled bina. The lights make him look like he has a white headbinner. Oh, he's putting a little stank on it.

He's jazzing it up. Oh, boy, is this great? The guy was sleeping. Nice. Oh, little Jimmy Hendricks. It takes some balls. Holy moly. My father worked with a guy named Jimmy Page.

That's right, Jimmy Page, who whistled just like that. Incredible. baseball fans were left split on Saturday night when the champion whistle performed on the national anthem. Chris Alman is the guy's name member of the Whistling Hall of Fame performed a quirky rendition.

Wasn't quirky? He put a little stank on it. I use the word quirky. Fucking generation moron right in this shit. Anyways, fans online were left divided by the distinct, really people online didn't agree on something?

That's Rich Foss's wife, Bonnie, who's very funny. Bonnie McFarland has one of my favorite jokes about, I think I mentioned it on the show, but she goes, boy, there's such anger when it was called Twitter. I went on Twitter today. People just can't agree in anything. I went on to talk about the Palestinian Jew problem.

And anyways, they were divided. According to Alman's website, he has whistled the national anthem at Charlotte won its games, the Washington Wizards, the Washington Nationals, and Duke Men's Basketball. It even says he once serenaded former president, George W. Bush at the Oval Office and that Alman Whistols, happy birthday to more than 650 people. I know what I want for my birthday next year. This is awesome, one person wrote on X.

If there were ever someone who belonged in the Whistling Hall of Fame, it's this guy, said another. And the third said, that has to be the most unique rendition of the National Anthem in all of sports. I say that wholeheartedly. I say that whole heart That must have been some guy from the Midwest like in the 70s Like Artie Lang used to do this bit When he'd play this club in Wisconsin And this guy's up front with his wife

And he's like in his 70s You know, nice head of white hair and shit And instead of laughing every time Addy would do a punch line He'd go, hey that's something That's something However, while Alman got a brief chair From the crowd at Camden Yards

others who viewed the clip of the moment, which now is over half million views, weren't that impressed, of course. Dude, pitchy as fuck. I could smoke this dude at whistling. Who gives a fuck what you think? Didn't even hold the final note in tune. I'm all for creativity, but this ain't it, another said.

Why don't you shut up and die of cancer tonight in front of your kids, you fucking snot rag? Now that's it, folks, for a Monday, well-rounded show, wouldn't you say? And again, don't forget my dates. March 7th, punchline, Atlanta, March 8, Sol Joe's and Potsdown, PA, March 9th, Rivers Casino in Philly. Don't forget to fill the place, because that's what I need to see. Otherwise, I'm going to become an author full-time. And right now I'm trying to master the solo to Chicago's 25 or 15.

624. And my wife said she's leaving me next week if I don't stop. She hates Chicago. She hates that song. That's why I started to learn it. And what's funny is, it's coming kind of easy to me. Even the rhythm parts. Maybe I'll play the national anthem on my guitar, which I had down a couple of years ago.

Then I tried it a couple weeks ago. It sounded like it was a pressure national anthem in the 1911s. That is it. Camio. If you want me to send a personalized video saying happy birthday to your mom or roasting her, roasting your aunt, making some to somebody fat,

anything. Go to camio.com. Be glad to do it for a small fee. That's it. You guys think that I'll say it. You're very welcome. We will see back here tomorrow at the same time 6 p.m. Eastern. Take care of yourselves.

Hi. Good night, everybody. Thank you.