The Nick DiPaolo Show - Swalwell That Ends Well | The Nick DiPaolo Show #1940

Episode Date: August 20, 2026

In today's episode Nick talks about US Sneakily Moving Oil, A Venice Faux Pas, Off Campus "Housing" @ Berkeley, More Cali Overreach, Swalwell Intercepted At Airport and Ben Affleck's Ignorance! WATCH THE FULL SHOW LIVE & FREE at 6pm ET only on Rumble! https://rumble.com/thenickdipaoloshow/ TOUR DATES, SOCIALS, PERSONAL VIDEOS, STREAM ALL MY COMEDY SPECIALS! https://www.nickdip.com/ MERCH - GRAB A MUG, TSHIRT, HOODIE, STICKERS AND MORE! https://shop.nickdip.com/

What do you think you are? Hey, I didn't just fall off some banana ball. He's dancing with him. You're a beautiful woman, but you got a look on your eye like you ain't been fucked in a year. Hey, who and how I fuck is none of your business, Jose? Nah, keep it coming, baby. That I like. I actually said that on a dance floor in 1980 to a hairdresser from Somerville, Mass. Here's our first clip, Delis.

Put it in. Make it in your life easy. Hey, folks. top of the dirty show. This piece of shit was made and fucking Ching Flow thing. You fucking know it. Hold on. Sister's ass. Cocaine.

A great-a-trut you got here. Welcome to the live lineup, folks. Where I have free shows all day. Where do you get that other than communism? And if you want to watch Ad Free, I have nothing, no idea how you do that. No. Join Rumble premium. It's actually a great deal. Don't forget to follow my channel. Download the Rumble app.

Today, I'll be going deep into all kinds of nonsense. How about us, the U.S. and Trump, were sneaking oil through the Strait of Hormuz, stealthily, they say. Also, a Venice faux pa. A couple of Americans over that did something that really offended the Italian, which is really silly, my opinion. I'm actually on the American side.

Also, more California overreach from Jerkoff, Gavin Newsom, all the giant government lovers. And my favorite story, Eric Swallows Well, intercepted at the airport by the FBI yesterday. Is that not the greatest story in all of politics this year? We have a clip of John Kennedy,

you know, the Louisiana Sanita talks like this. You know, he does an impression of Eric Swallow. But he goes, but first he, and this is, in the clip the impression is but him going you know I don't hate anybody it's tough being up here not to hate anybody but I go by the Bible and I don't hate anybody but if I was to hate people eric swall will be at the top of Liz um he's so what a personality that guy's got he's a and I said to Dells he's like a quote machine this guy he's not going to top my epithet on my headstone but

Remember that? What the fuck was that all about? It's going to have me like this. Like a real ginsa. Anyways, yeah, so the Swalwell thing makes me hard every time I read it because he was such a piece of garbage. He looked like a fucking date rapist. Again, West Coast stupid.

We have so many examples today, and I didn't do it intentionally. I'm doing the stories that I think would grab your interest and, you know, things that fall into up, parameters of this show. And we could have labeled this show West Coast Stupid because like three of the best stories are just pure. And again, California stupid. And it's breathtaking. It's breathtaking that they can go on and on. And I just, it really is ignorance. Anyhow, my mom is in the hospital. Calm down. She drove through the front doors in a car by accident. No, she, apparently she had real bad stomach pains a couple nights ago, and she's in a beautiful retirement community.

It's not a dirt at home. It's a fucking... Tony's mother. I'm not staying in this place. I know what it is. It's nicer than fucking that captain and tebbs. What? Anyhow.

Yeah, so she had real pain. And the ambulance took her to the hut. She doesn't tell my sister who lives, still lives in town. And basically when my mom needs something like this, my sister is there and my sister comes down from New Hampshire. And I'm basically, I probably do the least for her, but I can't help it. Comedy took me away. And I think she was happy about that.

I can be honest with you. Anyways, so, yeah, she had real bad pains. And it turns out they think it's a, they think, not that you guys can, but they think it's a stone, almost like a gallstone. But I thought she said she had her gallbladder taken out. but maybe they still hang around. There's some type of stone stuck in a duct. The duct empties whatever into the lower intestines from your, from your, but it's called a sphincter, a sphincterotomy. And I'm on the text, you know, there's a long, I'm always last to know because I'm doing all the shit in the morning.

And my, my siblings get up at fucking, like they're fishermen at 6.30 a.m. even when they have no kids because all their lives they'd be getting up what I'm trying to say is they're adults and I get on the text thing and it's fucking two miles long so I don't even read it I just go to the end and I go, what happened?

No. What'd you do? No, I read the whole thing and my sister Darlene was an x-ray technician for 30 something years and then moved up and she had 70 people in the hospital

technicians working under her and she's really great. She has seen everything. So she said in the text, it made me feel better that we used to do 10 of these a day and it's an hour procedure and they're going to get on your throat. They'll knock you out based on your age or whatever.

I don't know. And I said, I'll do that part. No. So, yeah, I think that they think that there's a, they don't know yet. They did an MRI and on. They're waiting to see what, but they think that's what it is.

And that's what my sister guessed it was. And I go, I'll take Darlene's diagnosis. because she's never wrong about this shit. I said, I think it's, you know what, athlete's foot? And they said, shut up. And I said, what do you mean? What's the matter of you? I'm sorry?

And my mother's intestines. What? Anything for laugh, folks. I am. I love my life. I'm going to be honest with you. It's going to be very hard to go fucking back on the roof. It's about it.

Sox, choked one away in the 11. innings 11th, I think. They came back. They're a different team. Now we take two out of three from a team that might be in the playoff, and we're disappointed. We couldn't win a game at Fenway the first three months of the year. Now they're 12 games over 500 at Fenway, and they have the best road record, or they did. So, what if, again, you're probably tired of hearing it, but like I said, I've been following

since I was in the fetus, and it's very fucking weird, the whole thing. that's about all I got. It's 111 here at about 9 o'clock this morning. Hufa. Even for here, it's like brutal. El Niño, it's always the spix. You guys know I'm a pro-Latino. They do some tremendous work at the house.

Anyways, so I've heard. I've never heard. Let's get to it. The Oily Bird Catches the Worm. That's actually a title of a Three Stooges episode, by the way. Remember the highlights, Curly's on. I don't know why they're working at an oil thing, a refinery or whatever,

and the oil shoots up and curleys on the, we showed it on the show. Still makes me laugh. I'm 11. Did I mention that? The U.S. has been stealthily shepherding millions of barrels of oil a day across the Strait of Whore moves, helping prevent further shocks to the world's oil markets, analysts said,

now you people that don't know what stealthy means, it means they can't see it like a stealth bomber. That's all that means. like um i don't know um my lee cyrus she's got stealthy tits none what the u.s. of all the broads i got come the u.s successfully protected tankers carrying about five million barrels of oil daily throughout july by conducting stealth missions near the omani coast who said that the new york times reported now i wonder when the times report shit like that of course they're going to report it.

It's just sending a heads up to the enemy. Hey, this is what they're doing while you're sleeping. The missions began in May with around 70 ships crossing. Wow, that's a lot of shit. These aren't little fucking scones are the ones we were blowing out of the water that were carrying drugs. Remember? What happened to that game?

That was fun. Wasn't that? It was put out by the same one that did. You know what? I can't think. what's the stolen car ones the video game thank you

you're gonna give me a blank stare I was gonna fucking yell at you I'm like you better know that when your son's gonna be playing it next week Dallas's son's growing six inches every two weeks it's fucking weird he dunked the basketball yesterday what is he two and a half years ago

many opting to use shadow fleet tactics such as turning off their radars to sneak by undetected despite repeated attacks from Iran which claims to control the street They claim a lot of shit. Why don't we claim that they suck dick and blow them out of the water, please? The ships continued to cross regularly through June and July,

which likely kept oil prices from breaking into the triple digits like it did during the first months ago. I can see Trump having a meeting going, hey, midterbs are coming up. Fucking oil's through the roof right now. Let's do something about it and, you know, handed it off to Hegsith or whoever. Like, hey, we get an idea. U.S. Energy Secretary Chris Wright. That's the guy that probably came up with it. Hey, look at that.

It's a, look at, it's a cartoon. Where did I get that? I said, hey, AI, I need a cartoon, but I meant a cartoon like as an animated. Like, you know, Scooby Doe, not Scooby Doe, but Road Rider, moving cartoon, but they gave you, they couldn't do that. I said, you call yourself AI.

You're a fucking jackoff. Mission Street. I can't even read. Look on the right it says Iranian Navy. This is their idea funny, by the way. Iranian vigilance is our priority after lunch. Not bad. They're trying.

One guy's drooling. That guy's got the newspaper on it. That's fucking pretty funny. Homo straight, welcome. Please don't sneak. That guy should be fired from the writing staff. And then, shh, just smile and wave. The Americans are...

But they came back with that in a minute. and you want to why kids are cheating and shit with this? You know? Show me a graph of the Phillips curve. That was economics, by the way. I never understood it. U.S. Energy Secretary Chris Wright estimated that even more oil was sneaking through claiming that 9 million barrels of oil.

And get this, 4 million barrels of vinegar are going to meet. Yeah. We're going through the pass of Hormuz daily. That's a lot of fucking grease. niciness. What's so funny about that? War? United States Central Command, also known as Centcom, which oversees the missions

approximates that it has helped more than, they said, about a thousand ships crossed the straight since the war began. While oil prices are still lower than from the height of the war, I don't even know when that is. Nobody does. The breakdown, and all I hear is Trump going, this will be over by Tuesday, and that was about six months ago. But still, in the big picture, people complain in that this is lasting too long.

Yeah, tell that to the guys that went to Vietnam and World War II and Afghanistan. As Dallas said. Any of that shit. Yeah, tell them. Yeah, exactly. Been over there for 20 years, for Christ's sake. Breakdown and negotiations between U.S. and Iran led the Brent crude. That's where I get my oil.

That and Dr. Gundy. I'm out of that now. Got to order that. I went through three bottles like it was freaking orange soda. That's going to cost me an arm. But you know what? Like I said, it tastes so fucking bitter and you can tell it's, you know what? It's virgin, cold pressed.

It's fucking, I'm going to order it. I'm taking beautiful dumps. All right, back to the story. Between U.S. and Iran led to the Brent crude benchmark to spike 93 bucks per barrel on Wednesday. That's a lot of fucking cashiche. That was AI. That was my neck. Jesus.

I don't know what goes on when I'm sleeping. If a fat girl sit in my face like college, I don't know. It hurts when I wake up. She comes in every night, sits in your face, at least before you wake up. It's the daily thing. Doesn't for ten years. Never know who she is.

Turns out it's a neighbor next door. Fucking tunneled under my house. Yeah, good luck. Oh, by the way, my crawl space, you could eat fucking breadcrumbs in there now. it is immaculate. The shit Dallas, I didn't even tell you. The shit they, you guys had appreciated it.

The shit they pulled out from under that, I guess back in the days when you were building a house, you just threw anything extra, right? I mean, I've seen this before, but not to this. They had a fucking trailer in my driveway, and they filled the fucker with bricks and cinder blocks. I told you, they were in there, chipping shit. And they had to make an opening,

another one so they could crawl in and out of the crawl space We have it on one end of the house, but on the fucking east end of the house. They had to make one so they could crawl in and out of that fucker. And then they laid the thing. So it's, you know, and I'm going, it's still 77 of my fucking, and there's two dehumidifiers down there that run constantly. But my wife says, and I go, okay, honey, you want to believe that. She'll probably be right on this one.

but all that doesn't kick in until the floor's buckled. Remember I told you? Because of the humidity. So there's spaces between the, and it comes up to the floor. So once we redo the floors, which we're doing, so I can live in a hotel for a week, I can't wait. Yeah, I'd rather this than a condo that was built four years ago. It's a beautiful house.

Don't get me wrong, but I am a fucking, I lived in an apartment. I live like this much better than a homeless guy in New York City for years. I was happy as a pig and shit. I love to park. You know what? I actually get a little, it's so funny. My wife can't even understand it. And I can't understand it either.

It's a fucking house. I love my house. I'm just saying, I see people like on TV and they're in an apartment and shit. I get a little pang for New York living in. So great, right? You're sitting on a toilet, taking a dump, and you're doing the dishes at the same time in the kitchen. Yeah. That's an old one, but you can put it in there, I guess.

It'll be new to these people. Hey, folks, I know I told you this many times, but just in case you have Alzheimer's. November 5th, Punchline, Atlanta, November 6, Rivers, Casino, Philly, November 7th, Soul, Joles, Potsdam, Pennsylvania. Where do you get tickets at Nick Dip.com? Get the tickets now before they sell out. While you're there, go to the merchandise page. And when you buy merchandise, it supports this show, not Kimmel's, this one. We've got hats, hoodies.

Now we actually have vibrators for men. They look girly, so we put like a football, NFL seal on the end. Choose your team. Choose your team. Who do you want to be fucked in the ass by? The Eagles or the Broncos? I'm an NFC guy. I heard Artie Lang, my old buddy on the radio.

It was an old bit of his, you know, him doing stand-up on serious radio. And he was talking about a brokeback mountain. And, you know, he has a million funny fag jokes in it. But then he ends it with, he goes, look, I'm not saying there aren't gay cowboys. I mean, look at Tony Romo. And of course, he does that in Jersey, you know, where they fucking hate, obviously hate the cowboys. Good joke. I'm just saying.

Anyways, wear that shit and piss the right people off. If you want to send a personalized video to somebody, I'll say what you're thinking. So you don't have to, if you have a little clint. set of big balls. My balls are tiny, by the way. They used to be beautiful. I've said this before on the show. They were like a great day, and you could cup them. I used to throw them on my shoulder when I went camping. Speaking of Probeck Mountain, hey, where the fuck's the cover of this? I don't let this to dry up like my wife. What the fuck? Anyhow, yeah, because the testosterone. The testosterone, right? Your body goes, oh, you have testosterone. So, we have. We have. We have

don't have to make anymore. You're nuts, climb up into your forehead for a... Whatever. I wonder if that shit has something to do my kidney. We'll find out. I'm actually excited. I really... Look at all.

My family's like, really? That doesn't... I'm like, relax. There's 19 things. I've read about this shit all night. 19 things that can cause your cretinin levels to be up. Number one, you're going to be a cretan. Anyways.

One of them's dehydration. go, really? You're talking to the poster boy for dehydration. Anyway, there's a million things. Other things could kill you. But let's move on. The Menace of Venice, that was what they called me when I lived out there. My worst year of my life, Venice Beach, I see it on TV. I still get pangs. Too long to never, never, was in never better shape. I had broken up with a girl. Excuse me if you'd heard it before. But I took off to L.A. like I was going to be a star. And I'd done like three Arsini Halls. And he loved me.

had me on like three times or two months. And I left my girlfriend in New Hampshire and I'm like, I'm fucking out of here. And guess what? I moved to Venice. I didn't know anybody else. I'm living in a basement apartment. And next thing you know, I don't know anybody. I'm lonely.

I'm drinking by myself. I'm getting depressed. I would call. I know you guys have heard this had a who follow show for a long time. I'd call her house. You know, she's still living with parents. Her dad would answer. I'd call it fucking, I'd call it like 11.

at night, L.A. time, which is two in the morning, and he'd pick up with his growth. He'd go, no, she's down a cape with a guy named Brian. And he knew that I was hurting. And he was a great guy, even after I, you know, because he was divorced. He was a guy he understood. He goes, Nick, you're not a bad guy. You know, I was a young fucking asshole. He goes, you're not a fucking bad guy, you know.

He goes, I've all, and most of us have, I would think. Why did I get into this? Huh? Venice Beach. Thank you. Somebody's paying attention. Yeah, Venice Beach. Anyways, I'm just saying.

I sat there. It was like that movie Swingers with Vince Vaughn where it was exactly like that. My buddy Evan Grant, God bless him. He lived in the same complex. He's the only guy I knew. He moved in after me, actually. He actually sent me a picture of me and him in the pool. at this complex.

It was a decent complex. It was right on Venice Beach. I don't know who took that picture. Some dirty whore, I'm hoping. No, it was his boyfriend. I'm sorry. Evan's going to laugh at it. Evan, you're listening?

Anyways, yeah, so he would drag me out to strip bars. And you know what? It works for. Little advice. I don't know. Nobody young listened to the show. But you guys, if you go through that shit and seriously, you're really broken hard.

Go to a titty bar. It's temporary relief, but it's relief. Especially if you bring one home. Then it's relief like a week and a half until you get chlamydia. Then you jump in the pool, let the chlorine worry about it. Anyways, there's a U.S. couple in Venice, not California, Venice, Italy. That's called the Floating City. Julia Latnob, Lathoff.

We have the word Ann push right there. It looks like a Latnob. Laddhoff and her boyfriend, Endurance Athlete, Mike Nasarela, were on vacation and what's more Italian than a guy, Mike Nassarrella, with his shirt off jogging in Venice, Italy. Did he have 19 gold changer on his chair? Last month when they decided to work off some of the pasta they had been eating. How do you know they're eating pasta? Shut up, lady who wrote this with a long jog around Venice.

But the restorative morning run quickly became more of a humiliation ritual for the couple. The humidity was high and temperatures were already. in the high 80s. Thus, I know we laughed that down here, thus Nassarola opted to sprint shirtless as he often does in New York City. Now, I understand why the people got offended. I thought Mike sounded like a guy in shape, but we've got him in slow- Oh, God. Look at you. I was getting hard watching that. That's the new Baywatch. It's much more inclusive. He's a plus-size model. Holy shit. That guy shredded, huh? How do you get that bubbly, like cheese?

Oh my God. Anyways, the girl said we had also run in Florence earlier that week and saw other shirtless runners, so we didn't think anything of it. That's what the girl said. She explained all this in an Instagram post. Here she is. We didn't know that it's illegal to run shirtless through the next. Guys in good shape. These people were like shaking their heads at us, looking like disgusting.

if I'm angry. Someone yelled at a mic, stop and lift it up and found out that it's actually illegal to run without a shirt. We're hiding. Enough, enough, enough. Why is it music behind it?

Why the fuck does it? Is that? I don't understand that. O'y. Probably get flagged on that one too. Anyways, I ended up specifically Googling why I am

getting dirty looks running in Venice. That's what the guy said to the post, sharing that the search results revealed that Venice prohibits bear chess and swimwear in public streets and squares. And visitors can be fined up to $290 for stripping down. As expected, grumbling commenters pounced on the couple's post. You know, people have nothing better to do like me,

but I'm getting paid to do this. Tell me you are American, without telling me you are American, bellowed some jerk off. Venice is not a beach and it's not a tourist playground, said another grumpy grease ball. Oh, look, an American that thinks they don't need to respect the laws of foreign names. You're not jealous much, are you? Chastise a third grease ball.

And he didn't know that until after the fact, so relax. Oh, I know. That's what I'm saying. They don't think through. So I say to you, guineas, staisito. It's really stata zit, is how they're. they say it, but staisito. It sounds like you're ordering something.

I'll have the stizito. Easy on the fucking mushrooms. Anyways, what are you so grumpy about, Italy? Last time I checked, you were being overrun by people that look like they played for the Ravens. Shut the fuck up and enjoy your white American people in good shape, jogging around. Probably a bunch of Italian guys, jealous of the guy's physique. We're pretty jealous people, the Italians. by the way anyways

wait till you read that chapter about my first girlfriend did I include me fucking going to her college yes I did and leaving in disgrace what a sad story I'd tell Andy that

in her eyes filled with tears because I was walking away I had dirt on my sweater and shit because I had to fix my I can laugh now matter of fact I laughed then

because I knew it was over anyways this book's gonna fucking sell like you You know what? Waffles at the fucking... Bidus muffler up the street.

Let's move on to off-campus housing. Housing and, you know what? Quotes. A California mother has blasted Berkeley officials over a massive homeless encampment near her son's UC Berkeley housing unit filled with rows of tents, piles of trash, and debris.

She put on what? whatever X. I just dropped my son off at UC Berkeley housing. And as we were approaching, we saw this behind his apartments. Shame on the city of Berkeley. Shame on the city of Albany, California. Anyways, that was mom, Leanne Melendez. Check out. Again, folks, we showed Anaheim last year or whatever. So it's not, it spreads like a cancer. Again, this is West Coast stupid. Is it? Did I call that? Not this one. But I'm saying it could be. I want you to check this out and go, yeah, let's keep doing what we're doing.

Push me out of the picture and rock. This is right near Berkeley, a college. You send your kids away. You want them to be in a nice environment and shit. This is America. This isn't fucking Brazil, Sal Palo. Look at this. That's what they want.

That's not an accident, folks. How do you guys, seriously, you voters who vote Democrat? How do you look at that and go, this is what the DSA wants? It's already, they're already winning, not the DSA, but this mentality, left-wing cities, that's being inclusive, I guess. Sure, there's a rape here and there at night because, or a killing or, it boggles the fucking mind to me. UC Berkeley. It's sort of perfect.

It's a metaphor for that whole fucking UCB. You know Godfell went to UC Berkeley? I bet you guys didn't know that. And he smartened up. He goes, I remember reading his book,

that's when he realized that the left was insane when he went to that college. Look at that shit. Looks like the Melvin's backyard. That was the family I grew up across the street from the mentally ill ones

that I wrote 60 pages about. Melendez, she had the video, of sprawling encampment along the 1150 block of Harrison Street near student housing and businesses frequented by students less than three miles from the university's main campus. Boy, do they hire that. Anyways, I wonder if, you know, you go to orientation. I wonder if they do it like when the Olympics comes to town, they clear everybody out. So when the kids come to orientation, hey, it's nice here.

They get there the first day. What the fuck? The scene comes as Berkeley faces mounting pressure over its handling of homeless encampments. including a long, so this didn't just, this is a long-running legal battle over the camp at the intersection of Harrison Street and A Street. A federal judge, finally somebody's got a little bit of brains, a federal judge, not a state, last week rejected an effort by homeless advocates to indefinitely delay the city's plans to clear that camp while ordering Berkeley to consider potential locations where some residents could relocate. If I'm Berkeley, I go, it's not our fucking problem where they go. We'll get them out of the air. I'm not going to fucking find them an apartment. One of my century 21?

The fuck. Yes, but it's what they want. You think people, I can't even take it anymore. Everywhere you go in blue cities, it looks like, you know, your dick sporting goods trying to pick out a tent. Real fucking hellholes. Unbelievable. Isn't it?

And it fucking unbelievable. showed, like I said, like I don't a year ago, we showed a guy on his bike in Anaheim, which when I was in California, I went to Anaheim to watch the Red Sox a few times, drove around the town. It was beautiful. Nice town, Anaheim. We showed you last year, a guy was on his bike and he was riding for miles, not a couple blocks. He was riding for miles and it looked like that in America. So again, it's no longer left, right, conservative, liberal. It's mentally ill, fuck stains, and me against them. All the people that allow this live in gated communities.

Is that true? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Really? Really? Really? Really? I'm being sarcastic. You got me going on.

Because we've made that point many times on the show, and he, I thought I was razzing him. He got me. He kept playing along. I think he picked up him. I'm going, what? Hey, it's the Bubba and Willie show. You know what? We need to laugh. Right? So who do we go to our favorite fag?

Ever. I love this guy. And action. When a man falls out of your boat and into the water, you should yell, man overboard. Now, what should you yell if a woman falls overboard? False feet ahead. Look at his hair on gray stuff. Marriage kills love. Marriage kills love.

And love kills what? 20 minutes. Funny than anything you guys have heard on a sitcom in the last 20 years. Oh. And they said he was a mean drunk. There's a couple stories of him getting into it, like with flight attendants in first class

when he was shit-feast. Probably hit on one of them. Oh, that guy. He made cameos on like the Munsters. We've talked about on shows like that. He was on the Munsters. Bewitched. He was always on every other episode.

He was like the guy to go to for the sitcom shit because he was so goddamn funny. And people, and he said he got that delivery. Oh, I don't know. He got that from a like a drag queen comedian in L.A. back in the like 60s. Isn't that crazy? That delivery.

That's what they say. Anyways, he was a jeweling. I think he died of AIDS. They called it. Back then we called the gay cancer, and we were right. Ain't nobody got that shit that wasn't banging up the ass. Yeah, there were a few needles. Yeah, anyways, that was gross, Nicolana.

I don't know what the fucking supposed to do here. What's for dinner tonight? Excuse me, what did I write down, football open? What the fuck that means? No idea. Jock wrote it down a few minutes. Hey, have you been seeing all the brawls? This happens every year in training camp.

But, you know, what do you think is going to happen? You've got predominantly black guys, right? In a camp, you bang heads against each other's for like a month. You're sick of each other. You fucking, they hate each other the day they get there a lot of them. It's just how it is. But you know what? You're going to hand it to them.

They'll go a couple weeks before this shit starts. Then they start getting tired during the middle of camp. You know, and then when you play, you know, if you're on, first offense against first defense or second offense. You start to create grudges. You're both trying to make the team. One guy burned you so he, you know, you cheap shot him. But anyway, Bo Nix and why I love Bo Nix,

the Broncos quarterback, he was in a middle of a brawl the other day. In the middle of it, again, they were, you're not supposed to touch a quarterback during the camp, and they were sacking him and shit. So he took on a fucking lime, whoever, and a big bra. And after the game, this is why I will always love. love football on the people, not the rapist, but, but they asked him, what about all the bros? He goes, I loved it. That's what he said. He goes, it's just, it's just guys being competitive.

It's, you know, and he's, you see the coaches blowing their whistles. And I don't mean a couple guys jumping in. It's like an NHL game in the 70s, both benches empty. God, we had those up at Maine, but we didn't, you know, the difference was it was 90 white guys who couldn't throw a punch. Get off. Stop that. He pulled my shirt. Let's move on to Californians. Oh, my God, it's right in the title. Tired, to get it, of government, you don't know the story yet, of government interference.

Speaking at a press conference in the Bay Area, Democratic governor, he's almost done, right, touted the rules approved Monday, that will phase out replacement tires for cars that failed to meet the state's new energy energy official. standards. We've already proved a lot of this shit is absolute nonsense. And the Democrats always do this. They always come up with shit.

They go, you'll see, in five years, you'll save a billion dollars. They always point down the road, people will forget, it won't even come close to what they said. And just the fact that people drive, they don't want to change your tires. You asked us to change our toilet. so they flush less water.

Get the fuck. You really don't get it in California, do you? I think you do get it. Because I'm the one who says elections really don't matter. And they find a guy like this, Gavin Newsom, Captain Haircut, who was, he was bred to do this shit. Read a book, just Google Monarch training,

and you'll see what I'm talking about. Rich kids like this from school, they send them to finishing school and to fucking, and to boo, the most expensive board. They are designed to grow up to be fucking assholes like this. It's incredible if you read into it. And he's almost done, I believe.

Anyway, listen to the regulations are expected to affect roughly 70% of replacement tires currently on the market, potentially forcing Californians to shell out more for compliant rubber. Newsom, however, brushed aside the backlash, because that's his job. argue the changes are ultimately good for the gold. Why would you listen to anything this suckbag has said? Just look at the last story we did. Look at your state. Wake up. Get out of there. Or leave it to them. They should leave it as a socialism petri dish we can point to every time. Anyways, he says the changes are ultimately good for California. Here he is lying in a fucking,

I don't know, auto park store. Yeah, back to just facts. Except for a billion dollars a year, and fuel. You talk about affordability agenda. That makes some sense to me. You'd be wise to take advantage of new efficient tires, lower your cost at the pump. You smug cock sucker. Fuck you. That's not enough. Dr. Melpy. What a pain in the ass. Remember they had different standards, too? When I lived out there, I had to go get my emissions checked every other week because it changed the laws. You fucking people.

And everywhere, I remember being at the dentist, and there's a warning that whatever they, what is that, lead? Whatever your dentist put in your fillings could cause cancer? There's fucking warnings everywhere in California. Oh, you're such fucking pussies. Critics of the ban on high resistance replacement tires claimed that actual price increases for tires could reach several hundred dollars as the industry scrambles to replace them. It always lands on the end consumer. According to the Tire Industry Association, I used to belong to that, I get kicked out for stealing rims. What?

Ah, suck it. I'm Puerto Rican. Average tire prices could increase from $81 up to $157. But in the long run, folks, but in the long run, you're going to save millions at the pump, is what he said. You're a pump in an immense fucking bathroom. If someone purchased four new tires for his car, the difference could exceed $300 per vehicle. He didn't mention that, though, did he? What a pain in the fucking shower.

Remember Trump, the showerheads when he first ran? I can't even remember if that was first or second time around. I hate that. It's like a guy pissing on you that has a prostate exam. It was so funny. Oh, God. California, Oofa. And you know what else is funny?

Again, there's so much proof that that left doesn't work. look at the people sprinting out of California. I think it's more than New York. Just leaving in droves. Like U-Haul is making trillions in California. That's an actual fact. Everybody's getting you all. There's only eight families left there, seven of a Mexican.

And the other one is George Clooney's... He's still there. He's got a house. Well, he lives in Italy part-time, too. And, oh, so that's, what, three stories about California? I should have named the fucking whole show. Here's another one, if you don't believe me, that you guys vote. And again, you don't vote.

They're placed in, they're put in place. I'll still go to the polls. You guys have heard me just in case I'm wrong. Because I think that is the ultimate plan. They want guys like me to go, I'm not going to vote anymore. Anyway, Swalwell's at Enswell. Oh, that was a good one. Former rep.

Remember this jerk off? Eric Swalwell, the disgrace. California politician accused of rape was reportedly confronted by FBI agents at San Francisco International Airport where they seize his electronics as part of a federal criminal probe. This guy never shaves. Agents served Swalwell with a search warrant Saturday after he arrived in California and seized his cell phone and other electronics. Oh, I just hope there was some like Republicans around at the airport who hate this guy as much as I did and they saw that. You wouldn't be jumping in the camera.

Sources told the outlet agents also executed additional warrants at Swarwell's Washington, D.C. all Sunday. Oh, please find kitty porn. Please. I don't want the kids to be hurt, but just where they seized other potential evidence. Again, a two-headed dildo. with fecal matter on it from, I was running through Corey Booker.

The Hamster. Yeah, the Roller Decks. The hamster was on the roller decks. The investigation comes as the former California congressman faces multiple, murder allegations, a sexual misconduct. And Clarence from a former staffer who alleged he raped her. He said, she said he raped her twice

when she was too intoxicated to consent. to consent. Now, a lot of those, you gotta wait for the evidence because there's a lot of broads that bring up shit. I was kicked in the snatch 45 years ago.

I want money, that type of thing. But with this guy, he, so funny, now that we know what he's all about, his face fits the description perfectly. Kind of a sleazy-looking motherfucker.

Following four women's public accusations, Swalwell, who was a frontrunner at the time, again, my favorite political story of all, ended his campaign for a governor of California. One woman has accused him, never mind the ones that were drunk,

accused him of drugging her before sexually assaulting her in 2018. I don't believe that one, because she says it's Don Lemon that he got the drugs from. I don't. Don Lemon doesn't. Don, I'm kidding.

That's all a joke. We don't even know if this guy did. Two other women alleged that he sent them unsolicited images of his janitor. I say they say genitals, but they call it a dick pick. Your dick's not your genitals. Your balls are your genitals. I'm very word-specific.

I would have sent pictures of my balls back in the day when I was young. And go, look at the size of these fucking balls. Do you play dodgeball? That's what you're going to do when you're on your eyes. Speed back. You. Get your little chicken asses out of here, your cousin. The Department of Justice opened an investigation into the former Congress.

in April. The Post has reached out to the Department of Justice for comment. Swalwell announced his resignation from, what's the Russian guy? Something wolf ten? Colorful names. April 13th. Swalwell has largely stayed out of the spot. Really? He stayed out of the spotlight after finding out he's an alleged rapist and jerk off that we knew he was since then, including Monday as he, as newly declassified records were released detailing his past interactions with our favorite Chinese cook, I mean spy, known as Fang Fang. Is it really Fang Fang? Last thing I would want is a woman blow me whose name is Fangfang. Here's the joke of the week right there.

Of course, the motorcycle had to add to it. Dallas, what is the video I don't even remember of? Oh, beautiful. I was telling you earlier about Senator John Kennedy from Louisiana, how he's just a bucket of wisdom. And this is him explaining how he felt about Swalwell. Here's my impression of Congressman Eric Swalwell eating an ice cream cone. That's me blowing a guy. You know why I'll do that? Life is hard.

but it's harder when you're stupid you hear him put the emphasis on stupid I love that frigging guy I want him to do 10 minutes in my funeral that's next week by the way if I get the kidney results man isn't that great I wonder if he was expecting a laugh on the

visual part but if he was knew how to handle it didn't he I would have lashed out at the audience Come on, Congressman. Fucking Republicans, you're on my side, aren't you? But, yeah, Eric Swallow, my favorite story, I think. That and the poverty law center being exposed for who they are

and Minneapolis. And again, everything I'm bringing up, I'm not making it up, you guys can, you vote like I do so. It's not, I'm just saying, these aren't little things that the left have fucked up. All right, I'm ready to move on. So are you. Oh.

In our Libs Eating Libs segment tonight, excuse me. Bill Marr said Monday that Ben Affleck has rejected yearly invitations to return to HBO's real time. That's Bill's show. Since the actor branded Marr and Sam Harris comments about Islam, gross and racist. What are you, a 12-year-old girl? That's gross and racist. During a heated 2014 discussion,

Marr said on his club random, that's a podcast he does now where he gets high and drinks and it looks like fun actor. He had invited the Oscar winning actor back every year because they were friendly, like all successful lives in Hollywood, hoped nearly 12 years later that a private conversation could resolve their disagreement. But it just goes to show when you're a real lefty

that you don't forgive because you're better than him. I'll never talk to you again because we disagreed on something. He says, Bill Maher says, I love him, but we just are going to disagree on that one. Excuse me. I don't know. Maybe if I talked to him privately, or it's been, you know, 12 years, maybe I think there's a middle ground.

So I'm going to show you the argument. I'm not showing you the whole thing. It was a good one. I went on for like three minutes. This is a little disagreement that they had over Islam. And Sam Harris is a very bright guy. He's a lefty, I think. And everybody there had to weigh in.

And it was just this smugness. And I like, like I said, I want to like Ben Affleck. I like, I think he's good. I think he's a good actor. He's like, he's an old fact. To me, he's like an old school movie stunt, not his thought, just his looks and shit. I'm saying I want to blow him. That's what it sounds like, doesn't it?

I'm sorry. I'm just saying I want to like him. He's a Boston guy. Him and I do like Matt Damon, lives. But they did good. You know, I mean, you see him at the Sox game. So I'm biased. But his politics make me throw up in my fucking.

Definitely in my mouth. So here's Bill and him, and this is why they haven't really, he hasn't come back on the show in 12 years. It's really ridiculous. That's Sam Harris. So hold on. Are you the person who understands

the officially codified doctrine of Islam? Pause. You hear the smugness? Because Sam Harris just explained why some of it's not stereotypes. It's basically he just explained. Through a ton of research. And that's his smug answer.

So you're the one who's codified? And like, this is why I'm not, well, I'm pretty good at arguing the shit, but you go, why are you Ben? You're an actor. Why are we even fucking listening to what you have this? I know you went to Harvard. I think you did. Not a dummy, but when it comes to this, you're fucking retarded. So you're the other one, you're the spokesman for Islam, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Go ahead. You're the interpreter of that so you can say, well, I think any. I'm actually well educated on this topic. I'm asking you. You're saying, if I criticize, you're saying that Islamophobia is not a real thing. That if you're critical of something... Well, it's not a real thing when we do it. Right.

It really isn't. I'm not denying that certain people are bigoted against Muslims as people, and that's a problem. Big of you. Buzz, did you hear Ben Affleck? That's big of you. Right there, I'd reach over the fucking desk and crack them, and that's why... That's big of you. Shut the fuck up.

Go make a D-movie. You had a few of those, too. Anyways, go ahead, Sam. The, why are you so hostile about this? It's gross. It's racist. It's not, but it's no, it's like, you might as well be wearing a fucking pink tank top when you said that.

It's racist. It's gross. What are you, a four-year-old fucking, not four, 14-year-old girl, just saw my dick. What? And action. No, go ahead. So not your shifty Jew.

You're not listening to what we are saying. You guys are saying, if you want to be liberals, believe in liberal principles, like freedom of speech, like, you know, we are in doubt, by our forefathers with an illegal life like all men are created evil. Ben, we have to be able

to criticize bad ideas. Of course we do. No liberal doesn't want you to press as bad ideas. But is long at this moment is the mother load of bad ideas. Jesus. So we have, we have that was bent.

It's a fact. It's a matter. It's an ugly thing. It's an basic liberal. That was Ben out there going, Jesus Christ. Do you see how much of the poison he has swallowed?

Do you understand when it comes to race and a lot? It was a lie that was pushed so long and hard, I put this in guff, I don't know if it'll make it, but push so long and hard that it became the truth to people who vote that way.

It's not a fucking, it's not debatable to them. That's big of you. Jesus Christ, I'm so much better than you. And that's where they start, libs. When you argue with the lib, that's their baseline. I'm morally superior to you. Now let's have an argument. Go ahead.

All right. It's enough. Good. I was getting queasy. That's gross. And I want to like, and I probably would like him if I'd, you know what I'm saying? He'd call me a dumb fucking whatever because I'm a Trump supporter. And I'd go, well, you went to Harvard.

You're fucking not exactly something to brag about anymore. It sounds like you took the Kool-Aid and drank at all, motherfucker. Afflex representative did not immediately respond to a request for comment about Mars account or whether the actor would consider returning to the show. his October 2014 appearance remains his most recent visit to the program. Affleck later explained in 2017 interview that his response came from his opposition to stereotyping people by race or faith. No, so Bill Maher and Sam Harris are for stereotyping people by race. They are white people.

So are you, Ben. You wouldn't think twice if somebody said the typical white frat guy. Or Christian. I think he pretends. He's a Christian, actually. Ben Affleck said, and I quote, I love a good debate, and I get very energized by it. On real time, I think people could tell I had a genuine emotional response.

No, we think, hey, he's a good actor. So he's acting now. Because I strongly believe that no one should be stereotyped. I've been saying this forever. That's what's called, that very sentence, because he believes that no one should be stereotyped on the basis of race, religion, that very thought, that very, whatever you want to call it, is what has ruined this country as far as driven us apart politically and shit. He thinks, and they think, the left thinks

that they've cornered the market on empathy. Only we can empathize. You're not bright enough. And that is fucking destroyed this country, that thought. To generalize about something is absolutely the world. I'd say to Ben Affle, really? Okay, you're walking down the street in L.A. at two in the morning with you and your girlfriend. Here comes six crips down the sidewalk. So what you're going to do and people like you, you're going to try to walk right through them because you'd rather be dead than be a fucking racist.

And if you cross the fucking street, you're going to consider that racist. When the truth is you would just being smart. And you probably would cross the street, by the way, in real life. If you tried to follow the main tenets of liberalism, you know, since you were five, you wouldn't make it to 14. Even Jesse Jackson said, remember? And Jesse was no whitey lover.

He was talking about he was walking in D.C. late one night coming from an ATM. And there was people walking behind. And he was nervous. There was kids walking behind them, young guys. And he said, he goes, and he goes, I felt bad about this. But when I turned around and saw they were white, there was some relief there. Jesse Jackson said that. And I wonder what Ben would say.

Ben would say, you're going to tell Jesse Jackson he's a racist? I'm just saying that they act like we don't know. And if you stereotype somebody, folks, like the Frisk, New York had this thing when Giuliani was in place. You frisk people. Oh, even Bloomberg. I think Bloomberg was at that time. You frisk, when terrorism was going on and whatever, a lot of gun violence, they had this law where you can stop and frisk somebody you think is whatever. And a lot of black people, of course, a lot of black people had a problem.

that because Al Sharpton made it a problem. But it also saved a lot of people. They took a lot of guns off the street. And let me ask you a question. If you do that and the guy doesn't have a gun on him, is his life ruined? Because somebody misjudged for a second? You know?

Is his whole day ruined? Grow the fuck up. It's the world we live in. Anyways. I'll be on the show next week. That's a joke. That is it for the week, boys and girls. I'm going to go down town and do four shots.

and sign up for SCAD tennis. Dallas, I'm going to put you on a spot. What is SCAD, Stan Borga? Savannah College of Art and Design. Bang. I always say Savannah College of Asshole and Dickheads, and nobody laughs. That's true.

People are big fans because they're buying up the whole city, this school. But the buildings are nice, and they pay no taxes. The lady's connected. The fuck, she knows what she's doing. That's it. it. You guys, I'm not even going to play a cameo. If you want me to fucking make fun

your fat girlfriend, go to Cameo.com or make funny your boyfriend's left testicle, not descending. That's it, you guys, thank and I'll say you very welcome. I hope you have a great weekend with your friends and relatives and maybe a strange girl. See you back here on

Monday. Bye-bye. Hi, good night, everybody.