The Nick DiPaolo Show - "Taxing" Town Hall for Bernie #154

Episode Date: April 17, 2019

Trump's 2020 odds grow. Bernie's taxes dive. And "brain dead" takes on new life.

Diolch yn fawr iawn am wylio'r fideo. Thank you. Thank you. S.A. ¶¶ I'm going to go ahead and get some more. Oh, yeah. Welcome to the show, folks. Hawaii on a Wednesday. A beautiful Wednesday. And that was Ryan, as you show, folks. Hawaii on a Wednesday. A beautiful Wednesday. And that was Ryan, as you know, yesterday. I confronted him. We caught him snooping with another show, giving away trade secrets, technology secrets.

And he was dealt with properly. And that's all I have to say on that. Jason, I hope your nose is clean. I'm good, yeah. Yeah. Anyways, folks, this episode of the Nick DiPaolo Show brought to you by BlueChew.com. Guys, let's talk about sex. Good sex.

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If you want to do that, go to nickdip.com to contribute. And we thank you so much, Brian. We appreciate the generous offer. There's a growing amount of evidence that Trump has a great shot of being re-elected in 2020. I am your voice. You guys must be nervous over there on the on the left. Again, it's very early. A million things could happen, could they not but uh the president's approval rating is currently around 45 according to gallup uh former president barack obama had an identical

approval rating at this point in his presidency and was re-elected in 2012 and uh he hadn't done anything and never did. Trump has stamped out ISIS. Unemployment across the board at record lows. People's wages are rising, regardless of what the Adam's apple Rachel Maddow will tell you. And comparatively, in mid-April 1995, former President Bill Clinton had an approval rating of 4 to 6 percent, according to Gallup. And he was also re-elected i think that was uh was that before after the blow job i'm not sure uh trump is also dominating uh possible democratic opponents in the fundraising race which what the fuck where did you find that i wanted to see what his reaction would be when he saw the good approval ratings.

Uh, no, that's his reaction when he saw that Joe Biden, no, when he saw that Bernie is actually leading as far as a Democrat can, either that he just watched Ty go in the masters. I don't know. Jesus, he looks like a puppet there. Mr. President, please, let the hair go white. Cut it short, okay? Clean it up. Get a crew cut. I mean, be different. Anyways, the president has raised $30 million in the first quarter of 2019 and has about $40 million in cash on hand, which he plans to spend at a titty bar in Juper, Florida. cash on hand, which he plans to spend at a titty bar in Jupiter, Florida. And Senators Bernie Sanders and Kamala Harris, who are leading the Democrat field in terms of money raised, raked in $18.2 million and $12 million, respectively, in the first quarter. To put it another way, by the way, that $18.2 million that Bernie has, well, 14 of that

is from selling his book, according to that town hall. I'll show that in a few seconds. That was nothing more fun than watching a guy who's been shitting on millionaires his whole life. That's his whole political career, and he is one. And, you know, he was squirming. You know, he was squirming. To put it another way, Trump in the first quarter of 2019 raised as much as the two 2020 Democrats leading the field in fundraising combined. Combined, I say.

Who's that? Lewinsky? What's he? Corey Lewandowski. That's what his thug. Meanwhile, voters seem to overwhelmingly approve of Trump's handling of the economy, which also bodes well for him moving forward. Well, it usually does, but it seems like half this country wants to be, you know, socialist. It seems like when you figure in the popularity of AOC and Bernie doing so well. So I'm not so sure anymore.

Recent data shows the U.S. job market remains strong. Wages for Americans are on the rise. And consumer confidence is near the highest level since the recession. And like I said, Obama took over a mess. It wasn't his fault. The economy was a fucked up from the 2008 debauchery. it his fault the economy was a fucked up from the 2008 uh debauchery um so you know he never reached uh 3.0 uh gdp and uh but he did take over a mess and um he was taking credit for trump's economy um cnn poll for mid-march found 71 percent of americans say the economy's in good shape

which is the highest percentage to express this view in 18 freaking years. The poll also found a majority of Americans 51 percent approve of Trump's handling of the economy. Of course they do. You can't argue with the facts. As my old boss used to say when I was selling steak and seafood out of the back of a pickup truck in Rhode Island, he would say, figures don't lie and liars don't figure. And I would go, no, I sold everything.

Meanwhile, I had all the stuff in my freezer at home because I took off to the beach with a chick for two days. Yes, true story. No, no, no, no. So Trump must be a little excited about this the poll also found 55 disapprove of trump overall and i guess yeah let me ask you 55 what do you disapprove of what you don't like the economy you don't like that uh isis was crushed to smithereens um what exactly is a bother oh he's a big loud uh boorish asshole maybe you can get over that and grow the fuck up it's about results is it not hmm i mean come on he met with kim jong-un

and this all by the way you 55 who uh you know disapprove you think the country's on the wrong track i don't know you think that muller fucking scam that hoax you still disapprove of the job he's doing when he had people hanging onto his legs as he was trying to do his job for the first two years um and a majority 57 said the country is on the wrong track. But among Republicans, Trump's level of support remains, well, no shit. 74% of GOP voters say the country is heading in the right direction. Because we're adults. And it's about the economy, you stupid.

Oh, that's right. But we have all this, you know, all the homophobic sexes, all the hate crime. All that stuff started the minute Trump came down the escalator. He's responsible for the death of babies from Guatemala, from, you know, Palestinians, and he's really made a mockery of the whole system. A February poll from Pew Research found that strengthening the economy ranks as the top issue overall for Americans. Though other polls place issues like health care higher on the list. Well, if you get the fuck out of the way, and the Republicans, you know, there's a bunch of backstabbers in the GOP that don't like Trump either.

But, you know, McCain porked him on repeal and replace. But get out of his way, he'll fix that too. I'm that confident. Sorry. He's a businessman. So, good news depending on how you vote. But, I don't know. We shall see.

It's going to be tough because you've got this guy, the 112-year-old Democratic Socialist. Look at that. Holy shit. I almost hope he becomes president so we can have that portrait in the White House. That would be hanging in the White House in the hallways next to Lincoln and Schiff.

Hey, Bernie, try a fucking brand muffin. Look at the puss on it. When would you... Try a fucking brand muffin. Look at the puss on it. Now that's him reading the poll numbers I just read you about Trump. He saw them. That's his reaction. That and he had to go on Fox News to do a town hall. Bernie Sanders squirmed and attempted to deflect when asked to explain why he would not voluntarily pay the massive new 50% wealth tax that he advocates imposing on the country's richest individuals. That's the beauty of this thing.

First of all, it was a town hall. You can put that back up. I just like to stare at his happiness. It reminds me of me. It's fun when he has to go on and actually face questions that he would never hear in a thousand years from the mainstream press and it actually makes Fox look good Fox News by having him on all you people out there think it's so right wing and so blah blah blah blah it gives them a little more credibility Sanders Sanders and his wife paid a 20% effective tax rate

on $561,000 in income and made more than one mil in both 2016 and 2017 according to his tax returns. Good for you, Bernie. Don't be ashamed. Sanders donated only $10,600 to charity. That sounds like a lot to me. I think I cleared $45 last year charity-wise i

i gave it to the red socks farm system there's a kid in the dominican republic who needed a new pair of socks uh in 2016 and 36,327 followed by nearly 19,000 in 2018 when asked by anchors brett bear and martha mccallum why he took advantage of the new lower rate afforded to him by Trump tax cuts rather than refusing deductions or writing a check to the Treasury Department. Sanders squirmed like the slimy little socialist fucking eel that he is. He stammered and hummed and hummed and hummed and then attempted to deflect entirely. Here is him answering that question. Tax rate was 26% because of President Trump's

tax cuts. So why not say, I'm leading this revolution, I'm not gonna take those. Come on, we're doing- I am- I pay the taxes that I owe. And by the way, why don't you got Donald Trump up here and ask him how much he pays in taxes? You know you're a fucking mumbling, stuttering little fuck, you know that? That is called a whataboutism, I think is what Joe Rogan called it. It's still a reasonable way to ask a question, a hypothetical, but what are you going to get Trump up here and why don't you just fucking answer the question? Boy, how do you not know that's coming? I mean, you're a socialist and you're doing a show on

Fox News. And by the way, that audience, I'm sorry. I'm with Trump on that one. That audience was not a Fox News channel audience. I think they had CNN and MSNBC. Rachel Maddow was seen in front of the Fox building handing out flyers or wherever the fuck they were. But why did... Why don't... I was Trump. Why he didn't... He's not the one clamoring for a tax on the wealthy, okay?

You are your mama Luke. Then I think they asked about the... Here's the wealth tax question. Here we go. Would you be willing to pay 52% on the money that you made? You can volunteer. You can send us checks. You can send a check. You can volunteer, too.

We have a... But you suggested, you suggested that that's what everybody in your bracket should do. Martha, why don't you give? You make more money than I do. I didn't suggest a wealth tax. And she's not running for president. Who said that? Who the fuck said that?

Who's the slimy little communist shit-twinkle-toe cocksucker down here who just signed his own death warrant? Why don't you? She's not the one and Trump's not the one out there clamoring for a wealth tax. You dummy, you're the one who has to answer that question. You can say that of all libs. Why doesn't George Clooney, any Hollywood lib, multimillionaire,

I was going to say Kathy Griffin, but I think she made less than me in the last three years, but the Bill Maher's of the world, any of them, the George Clooney's, or Sarah Silverman, or Patton Oswalt, why don't you cut a big check for about a hundred, half your salary? I mean, if you're such a fucking giver

and us right-wingers are such fucking greedy motherfuckers and all about money, you're such hypocrites. This will never change. It's do as I say, not as I do. You see how defensive he gets too? You know why? Because he never hears these questions he never hears them from other shows

and that I'm telling you that's not a Fox News Channel live audience this is like a bringer show for a young comedian you get like 40 of your uh family and friends come out to see you do stand-up for the first time, and, you know, they fucking laugh at everything that comes out of your shitty little mouth, and you're like, hey, I'm pretty goddamn funny. Then the next open mic is, you know, 40 miles from where you did that one, and none of your relatives are there, and you eat a big bag of shit, and you look nervous doing it. You are correct, sir. Well, I could be anyway, sir, but uh and then finally uh they get on the health care uh questions and uh you know single payer plan and and medicare and health care free for

all and uh which we can't afford you you don't have to be a math genius uh to know that we can't afford that and uh if we do what bern wants, 180 million people who get their insurance through work would lose that right off the bat. But here's what he said about that. Of course not. You never heard me suggest that we're going to march. You just said it was going to be free for everyone. It's going to be free at the point of when you use it.

Okay? What the fuck does that mean? Why are you so shocked by this? Pause. Because some of you have... Pause. She's shocked at your stupidness. It's going to be at the point that you use it yes

what when else would it be when else would it be free i i we can't have this discussion again we can't we can't there are still people from canada and england that come over here when they need a serious operation because there's lines around the fucking hospitals. People have died in, and Jason, I got a feeling you're for this. I don't get sick, so I have no dog in this race. Nope. First of all, of course you do, because you're going to get sick. What are you, fucking Superman? What a cop out that was. Tell me how you really feel. what a cop out that was. Tell me how you really feel.

We really, you can't afford, they always point to Western European countries with 11 people. I'm like, Switzerland, it works over there. Yeah,

we have 330 million people here. Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, and who's going to pay for it? And that doesn't count

the illegals that are pouring in over the fucking border who pay nothing when they go to hospital and we pay for that. It's the silliest goddamn notion everybody that knows math is it it's just fucking silly uh i'm sorry go ahead somebody is gonna who are they okay okay one minute one second relax we'll be talking we'll get through this together. It's a common question. Okay. We had so many email questions. Okay.

Ask Senator Sanders how he is doing with pay. Fair enough. I got it. It's a fair question. But the first thing, let's just say hypothetically. I actually like that. You are self-employed, and you've got a husband and two kids. Okay?

Family of four. Do you know how much that family is paying today for health care? How much? $28,000 a year. Okay. All right? We're spending $11,000 per person. We are saying to that family of four, you ain't going to pay that $28,000. You're not paying any more premiums.

You're not paying any more copayments. You're not paying any more deductibles. How's that? $28,000 you're not paying. Yeah. Does that mean you're not going to pay something? Of course it does. You're going to pay more in taxes.

And do members of Congress who now have gold-plated health insurance... No, we don't. Well, they have a special plan that's outside Obamacare. It's called the Cadillac plan, you dummy. Do members of Congress, are they going to do that transition as well? Damn right. Of course. Of course.

Why would you see us otherwise? Get this through your head, you... Get this through your head, you Jew motherfucker. Oh, I think that was a Bill O'Reilly in the back of the room getting really ugly. Yes, sir. You're going to pay more taxes. Well, how much fucking more? I already have to work till May to pay my goddamn taxes.

Do you understand? Oh, my aching stem. Anyways, there's something I like about that crazy fuck though. I think he really believes this shit could work. Oh, that looks

like Chris Sale after the first five games of shit. Red Sox are embarrassing me right now. Don't worry. We'll get our shit together. See you in October. Anyways, good old Barney. Supposedly, you know, stepping into the lion's den.

Here's what I say. We all say we're not going to carry any health insurance. If you go to the hospital, they have to, this is a law and you know this and I know the illegals know this. When you go to the hospital, they have to treat you.

I'm not saying, look, you know. Then you just say, we'll set up a payment plan. I'll send you 20 cents every six months for the next 40 years. But it is.

Look, Bernie makes some point. Healthcare costs are through the fucking roof. Greedy corporations. That's all. Insurance companies. There's a lot of truth to that, too. But what he doesn't tell you is how much more the taxes are going to go up. And it's trillions and trillions of dollars.

We're a big country, folks. That's all I can tell you. Hey, go to cameo.com. You want to get a personal video message from me or send one to a liberal that you want to get straight.

I can tell you next door neighbor to kiss your ass. I can tell your ex she's a filthy, syphilitic little whore. If you like, I can sing happy birthday to your three-year-old kid.

I can be nice. I can roast him. Whatever you guys want. Go to nickdip.com. Actually, go to cameo.com. Fill out the information. Write the message you want me to deliver, and within 48 hours, it will be delivered to whomever you want for a measly 90 bucks. I can either make or ruin somebody's day for you. I love doing these things, and I don't say that often. And every day I wake up, there's a couple waiting for me. So people are getting a real kick out of this shit. I get people's birthdays, and guys just come to see me at side splitters.

It was his birthday. His kid sent this to him, and they don't talk anymore. And, you know, but it's funny. I have a gay girl saying my life partner, Betty, is fucking cheating on me. Let her have it. Both gum. And I'm like, really? This is a wet dream. It's a fastball down the middle.

So cameo.com and click on my profile. Fill out the information. And I love doing it. It's a blast. Norm MacDonald's on there. Jeff Ross is on there. Hannibal Buress. Brett Favre.

A whole bunch of people. Got some super chats. Oh, boy. Super chats. Let's have them. Oh, boy, indeed. All right. Mike Rossi says, all those liberals want equality until it hits them square in the wallet and

affects them personally. Insanity. They want what? Again, you guys, they want... Equality. Equality. Until it hits them square in the wallet. Oh, yeah.

No, that's how it's always been, Mike. Absolutely. Same with like solar energy and wind and renewables. They're all clamoring for those until they go, well, put in those big, ugly, giant fans in your backyard or within 10 miles of your house. And they're like, fuck that. Fuck it. I'll sweat. But they do.

That's how the... Limousine liberals. What else? Patrick Dorr says, why do these socialists in the U.S. like to talk about paying more taxes to help the poor, yet are poor compared to the rest of the world are rich? Yes, they are. That's absolutely... We have the richest poor

people in the fucking country. I mean, first of all, when you do those obesity polls, most of them live under the poverty line. I wish I could go to Arby's fucking seven times a day. But no, it really is true. The poorest people in the country in 2019 in America, you live better than the Kings did in 1650. You have a car or two in your yard. You flat screen tvs multiple ones you have food in the fridge you're sucking off the teat of the government you're taking your ebt card or whatever it is and going to a titty bar which i do the same thing i'm not saying very american of you

but uh it's really true we got some some real you see the clips when i show clips of uh these you know incidents going on in McDonald's and Burger Kings and shit. Those aren't fucking rich people that are climbing up the counter, beating employees silly because they forgot to put a slice of cheese on the quarter pounder. But that is true. I mean, you want to see poor, you want to see poor go to the Mexican border and watch these slobs crawling in.

No, but those are really poor countries. you want to see poor go to the mexican border and watch these slobs crawling in though but those are really poor countries and we send money to them to el salvador guatemala the country sends foreign aid billions of dollars a year to those countries and i'm watching some guy on tv that was his solution we have to send more what the why is it on us god help us here. Here's a story about Jason. Man sues parents for destroying his huge pornography collection. Oh my God, his mother. Take it easy. I'm watching, searching for Bobby's fissure.

Listen to this. I'm watching searching for Bobby's fissure Listen to this his parents. He claims his porn collection was worth $29,000 His parents admit dumping the 12 boxes of films and magazines this reminds me of Bill Hicks's bit About when he goes when I die, which was sad. It was kind of prophetic. He's like when I die, you know My parents to find that extra wing on my house with porn in it. And he's got to, we'd play the clip, but we'd get flagged.

Bill has his shit, you know, in place as far as people watching his money even after he's passed. But he had a bit about that. His mother's like, oh, he's going through his stuff after Billy dies. Look at my little boys. She's looking at a picture. Look at him in his little Cub Scout suit. Oh, he looks so cute.

Oh, what's in this chest over here? Ain't no entry far. I did not do that bit justice, but, you know. His parents admit dumping 12 boxes of films and magazines. Boy, this guy was stuck in the past. Which includes titles such as Frisky Business, Boring, and Big Bad Grannies. What? What?

Whenever you're looking at porn, the word granny should never come up in any context I don't give a shit the 40 year old from Indiana moved into their into their home in Grand Haven, Michigan in October 2016 after divorce in court papers he said when he moved out 10 months later they delivered his things to his new home in Indiana

but that his pornography collection was nowhere to be seen. I'd check dad's trunk of his car or his den. You know, after you left, they turned your bedroom into a den. I'd go in there with a blue light. Looked like somebody, looked like Gallagher was smashing pumpkins in there. Just turn on one of those, those fucking lights cops use after there's a murder. I should know what that's called. I can never remember it. Blacklight? Not a blacklight, sir. No, Jason. there's a murder. I should know what that's called. I can never remember it.

Blacklight? Not a blacklight, sir. No, Jason. There's a technical term. It shows where the blood is everywhere. I should know this because I checked into a hotel with my wife years ago. This is true.

We shut the lights off to go to bed and there was this glowing green stain behind us. It's something. Not glucinol something all something like that anyways it was it was lit up behind us on the wall and you could see the drippings and it turned out somebody killed himself in that room a guy that told us later on what's the call i'm googling it now uh put blood and illumination i can't believe I can't remember it. I'm going to die soon of brain cancer. I swear on my mother's tits.

Yeah, luminol. Luminol. That's what it is. Luminol. All that for a joke. Anyways, the unnamed man's case includes emails between him and his father. Where'd they fucking get these? The NSA?

In which he wrote, if you have a problem with my belongings you should have stated that at the time and I would have gone elsewhere sounds like a warm loving father son relationship guys using fucking legal nomenclature instead you chose to keep quiet and behave vindictively

his father responded oh why don't you go pull your prick another time you big fucking jerker no his father responded believe Oh, why don't you go pull your prick another time, you big fucking jerker? No. His father responded, Believe it or not, son, one reason for why I destroyed your porn was for your own mental and emotional health. Why? Is jerking off bad for your

mental and emotional health? I feel fine. Three, four times a day still. I'm healthy as a horse. That's a loving father, though. The kid obviously had a problem. I want to see this go to court and talk about this function. Wouldn't you love to be representing the...

Exhibit A, look at this pillowcase. You'd find less DNA on a mop. At a Times Square jerk-off booth. The father said, I would have done the same if I had found a kilo of crack cocaine. Someday, I hope you will understand I did you a big favor

by getting rid of all that stuff, the old man said. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no filed a complaint with the local police, but the Ottawa County prosecutor decided not to press charges. The man allegedly sent one officer 44 emails detailing movies that he said were destroyed, listing many as valuable out-of-print films. He's making it sound like these were art films. But the prosecutor again decided not to press charges. His parents wrote,

we counted 12 moving boxes. None of them held together with tape, but some type of sticky... 12 boxes full of pornography, plus two boxes of sex toys, as you call them. This guy was wild, man. I mean, he was wild. That jerk enough is wild.

We began that day the process of destroying them. I saw the smoke from my house. It was like a... He must have had a ton of sex toys. Because it was like burning tires. I could see billows of smoke. Destroying them. We began that day the process of destroying them.

And it took quite a while to do so. That boy is a P-I-G do so. The man's father added, I also warned you at the time if I ever found pornography in my house again, I would destroy it, he said. Bye bye. Sounds like the kid had a bit of a problem. Kiddos, I gotta tell you, I don't know, you're not gonna get the fucking money, but come on. Get updated. Are you still churning your own butter? You get magazines, and I guess maybe it'll be worse something someday, but churning your own butter, even that sounded dirty. I didn't mean that as a sexual.

Apparently, he was churning his own butter at an alarming rate, but, you know, step it up. Go to younglatinas.org or amateurhousewives.com that's my favorite one amateurhousewives.com anyways that's a fucked up family that should be embarrassing

I like to call as a witness the janitor who mops my son's floor well the generation is to witness the janitor who mops my son's floor. Well, the generation is... You remember the Tide Pods challenge? I thought they were delicious, by the way. I don't know why you... You know what I mean? A little olive oil, a little garlic, a touch of lemon.

Yum, yum, yum. Shell on! Challenge is the latest dangerous Snapchat trend among fucking morons. Uh-oh! Retard alert! Retard alert! Teens are daring each other to eat plastic packaging,

cardboard boxes, and fruit peels, and posting videos of themselves doing it on Snapchat. Doctors still advise against eating anything that isn't food. Does that have to be said organic material like fruit peels are typically not dangerous no eating plastic on the other hand could be dangerous well thanks for clearing that up BPA has been suggested, that's in plastic stuff, to influence hormones.

That's true, because I had a niece, she was like 12 years old, she used to eat a lot of plastic, and she had a nice goatee, like a relief pitcher for the Brewers, and three tits. Chemicals in PVC like vinyl chloride have been

linked to cancers. I don't care how good that empty water bottle tastes. Eat enough of it, you're going to have a lump on your titty tonight. A recent video posted to Snapchat shows that Liam Hamm, perfect name for a wise ass, a sophomore at McClintock High School in Tempe, Arizona, biting through a plastic bag filled with carrots. Big fucking deal.

That's the best you can... I think you should go back to the Tide Pods. At least it took some... Ham told the Arizona Republic he's seen scores of other teens posting shell-on videos on Snapchat, including one in which a teen bites into a lemon. Ham said he didn't know where the trend originated,

but he's happy it's not type of. I eat shit, and this is true. I eat peanuts with the shell on. I was drunk in high school, and my buddy Scott, we're at a football game. After high school, we went back to the high school after I was at the University of Maine.

I think it was Thanksgiving. He was eating the peanuts with the shell, and I tried it, because he's really fucking lazy. So i'm not sit there it's 11 degrees i couldn't do it my i had these pink mittens on very embarrassing and uh so i just started chucking my mouth and chewing them with the shells on you talk about fiber mink you and you know it's delicious the salt was on there and uh so i people freak out when i do it now was on there and uh so i people freak out when i do it now so i uh i say i get bigger balls but here's some examples uh what's this first guy uh eating eggs with the shells on which i

freaking salute anything to be famous nice shithead Nice apartment. Oh, does it hurt? Look at his apartment. This guy thinks he's going to become famous. He was on America's Got Fucking Talent. That's considered a talent or some shit. But good luck taking a dump when those shards of shells rip your fucking sphincter into shreds. That's a beautiful apartment. You ever want to, I don't know, you ever think about reevaluating your life?

You're sitting by yourself in your shitty apartment. Can't even afford curtains. The popcorn's filled with, you know what, pills, you know that, speaking of eating with the shells on, he's trying to hang on to the three seconds of fame he got on America's Got Talent, nobody gave a fuck then, but he looks happy, he looks, and I can tell you right now, there's a 12-year-old girl's head in that cabinet up over his shoulder. Look at this sad sack.

We should get him on the show. Make him eat glass. Okay, what's the other video? Oh, speaking of eating glass, that's right. Watch this fucking genius. Uh-oh, retard alert. Retard alert. I did it. That's a Trump voter wait there's more right look wait look at the look at the evans williams bottle behind this guy who uses camouflage for your fucking wallpaper now you gotta admit this guy votes trump is if he even votes at all go ahead

oh shit what the fuck is this shit on the inside dude oh my god yeah what the fuck is this shit on the inside I won't fucking die holy shit

you're gonna die not even from eating this shit you're gonna die in some horrific you're gonna get shot at a Waffle House you're gonna go in there drunk and start getting lippy with a few of the brothers you're gonna catch a fucking machete in the chest how about him he thinks

what the hell is that's just a creamy nougat in your fucking light bulb this guy is gonna be shitting blood for the take a put that on youtube when you take a dump and you're screaming like a 12 year old girl oh my god what the hell camouflage shirt camouflage on the wall camouflage hat all that camouflage. Can't hide what a fucking asshole you really are. Oh, my aching stem.

Folks, this is America in 2019. We are finished as a nation. Try the penis with the shells on. I'm telling you. It's not worth the work. I tried it with, you know, pistachios, but it's like eating glass. I treat pistachios the same way people treat clams when they cook them. You know, the it's like eating glass. I treat pistachios the same way people treat clams when they

cook them. You know, the ones that don't open, I just toss. I don't have the fingernails of a bitch or a coke dealer to crack them open. Hey, folks, come see me. You can get the dates at nickdip.com. As you know, I'm always touring. I never stop. I'm a real workaholic. If you believe that, you're a jackoff.

Friday, April 26th. That's soon, isn't it? Yikes. Next weekend, Steel Stacks, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Friday and Saturday, May 3rd and 4th, the Sidesplitters in Tampa, Florida. Friday and Saturday, May 10th and 11th, the Governor's Levittown, New York. Friday, May 31st, Jonathan's in a gunk with Maine.

Saturday, June 1. Wait a minute. Isn't May 31st Memorial Day type thing? Am I going to be caught up on the goddamn... Saturday, June 1st. Whites of Westport, Westport, Mass. Saturday, August 10th. The Newtown Theater, Newtown, Pennsylvania. Friday and Saturday, August 16th and 17th, a great comedy club, Helium in Philadelphia. Friday, October, again, I think this is wrong. Huh? That's it changed. It used to be Saturday. Okay.

Oh, this is changed. You gave me the right. All right. Friday, October 18th, the Ridgefield Playhouse, Ridgefield, Connecticut. Friday, November 15th, the Cortland Repertory Theater, Cortland, New York, and the New Year's Eve back at the beautiful Tarrytown Music Hall, November 15th, the Cortland Repertory Theater, Cortland, New York, and the New Year's Eve back at the beautiful Tarrytown Music Hall, Tarrytown, New York. Go to nickdip.com for ticket information.

And Memorial Day is May 27th. Okay, so it's that weekend or whatever. I'm just, you know me and traffic. I just don't get along. Maybe I'll take an Uber. Hey, did you know uh when you die you know you're dead because your brain keeps working scientist claims well yes i knew that after i saw kathy griffin on cnn for two years and all the other fucking smugglers um but they say your brain keeps, what are you, like a chicken running around the yard?

With your fucking head cut off and still. This means you are essentially trapped inside your dead body with your brain still working. It's sort of like a short-term ALS. Do you want to put it in those? That's the worst. Your mind's still working and you can't move anything. Have you ever woke up? Hey, quiet.

Have you ever woke up too quickly? I don't know if you guys have done this. And I know a few of my... You wake up too quickly and you're awake. is sort of a but you can't move you paralyze for like 30 seconds this happened jason's that happened to you happened to me the other night actually you woke up and you couldn't move yeah if you wake up in the middle of the dream you're still in rem sleep and when you're in rem sleep you're paralyzed because you don't want to be acting out the things you're dreaming you I don't know if that's the explanation.

Yeah, apparently it is. I don't know. Well, the message, it doesn't send signals quick enough. You're conscious, but it hasn't, it doesn't, your brain hasn't sent signals. It happened to me when I was in high school on a Saturday morning. It was the scariest, eyes wide open. I'm like, okay. Creepy. It's God's way of letting you know, hey, don't make fun of people that are paralyzed.

I'll give you a little taste of radio. There you go, asshole. I thought it was the 48 Heineken's I ate. Because I farted that morning. It was like the mustard gas that they use on the Kurds. Isn't that creepy out? Yeah, it's pretty freaky. Fucking, and so when you die, apparently, according to this

scientist, you're actually, you know, your brain's still going. That's kind of creepy for a short time. Survivors of cardiac arrest were aware of what was going on around them while they were dead before being brought back to life, the study revealed. More surprising still, there is evidence to suggest that the deceased may even hear themselves

being pronounced dead by doctors. That's kind of creepy. Bye-bye. The expert ventured that people who have survived cardiac arrest later accurately described what was happening around them after their heart stopped beating. He said they'll describe watching doctors and nurses working. They'll describe having awareness of full conversations, of visual things that were going on

that would otherwise not be known to them. That's why I'm afraid of cremation. I said that kiddingly for years, but we did a story, I don't know if it was on this version of the podcast or the old one, where they were going to cremate the fucking guy and then somebody heard some movement.

That would have hurt. That would have stung. That guy would have been on the day-to-day with burns. But I can relate to this. I had two major shoulder operations, one on each shoulder right after I got out of high school. And on the second one, I think it was the second one, I woke up, you know how they put you in that little room

after you're done, little fucking side room right outside the operating room or whatever. And while I was being operated on, right before I woke up, I had a dream that I was dying operated on, right before I woke up, I had a dream that I was dying on the table. And I could have sworn I heard doctors yelling. And maybe that's what I was, I could have been dreaming.

But it was so fucking real that when I awoke and the doctor's going, how you doing? I said, what happened? I remember asking him, I go, what happened in there? Did something go wrong? And he gave like a nervous, he goes, no, everything was fine. And to this day, it still haunts me.

It was so goddamn real. To this day, I've never had a dream about, you know, dying and people pumping on my chest. Just, that's quite a coincidence. It happened when I had that fucking shoulder operation. Maybe that's what I was thinking of when they knocked me out I don't know but I remember him going oh what are you talking about he he wasn't trying to be sarcastic but it sounded like there's this nervous like oh my god this guy fucking but it was so goddamn creepy to this day I don't know if I believe him but the important thing is I'm here. Ah, my fucking shelf. I'll show you these some days. After I drop about 10, 15, I'll show you the scars.

I have scars. They're about an inch wide. It looks like, again, this was done in the early 80s. It looked like the guy used a sharp popsicle stick to cut me open. Fucking disgraciad. Horrible. Anyways, he says people in the first phase of death may still experience some form of consciousness. When you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.

Was that the hat that Ryan had on when I shot him? For being a rat? Yeah. He said they'll describe watching doctors and nurses work and they'll describe having awareness of full confidence. That's fucking creepy. Explaining when a patient is officially declared dead, he said, it's all based on the moment when the heart stops. Technically speaking, that's how you get the time

of death. Well, maybe we should change that. You're laying there, you know, I know my heart stopped, but I'm still here! Hello? His study is examining what happens to the brain after a person goes into cardiac

arrest, and whether consciousness continues after death and for how long? I wish it went on for like weeks at a time. To improve the quality of resuscitation and prevent brain injuries while restarting the fucking heart. That's kind of goddamn creepy. I'll say that much. But to this day, I'm still haunted by that doctor going, What are you talking about?

And sweat beads all over his head. It was so fucking real. It was so... I guess they knocked you out with that shit. I just remember hearing Michael Jackson's doctor in the background. Dr. Mariga. Have some milk, Nick. A school bus drive in St. Louis was attacked by a woman with a squeegee.

St. Louis, does anything ever go on good there other than the blues are in the playoffs? Then dragged onto the street and beaten some more. Disturbing video show. A two-minute video posted online shows the wild attack on Thursday where two women later identified by police as Tyandra Williams and Tiffany Pruitt, ages 30 and 32, are seen pulling the female driver off the bus after Williams repeatedly hit her with a squeegee.

And this woman's just trying to do her job. This is in America, folks. This is our country. I had a dream that one day little black boys and little black girls titties titties put your titty weight Tyandra look at this this poor woman a bus driver just trying to do her goddamn job and those fat squeegee-wielding assholes... You fat, nasty black bitch!

Several bystanders continued to urge Williams and Pruitt to attack the driver, who had just picked up students from KIPP Victory Academy. That's where I went. I got a C- and everything. Elementary school when a fight broke out. The driver then transferred one of the students involved onto a new bus. Williams, the mother of the student, removed from the bus, then erupted

on the driver when she, I'm giving you the backstory, she arrived at a later stop. At one point, Williams grabbed the woman's shirt and pulled her off the bus. Prude has also seen punching the driver at least once. Moments later, the bus driver managed to get back on her feet and tried to explain to Williams that she was just doing her fucking job. I added the fucking. She didn't even say that. That's how nice a woman she is. I don't know your child, the driver told Williams according to the video.

Williams then smacked the female driver one more time. This kind of made me laugh. She said, you're going to know her now, Williams said. That's my baby, bitch. I mean, what is going on? What's going on in America? You're gonna

know who she is now. That's an angry mama. What a fucking ignorant. St. Louis police confirmed to the Post on Wednesday that Pruitt had not yet been taken into custody. Of course not. Both she and Williams are facing third-degree assault charges. Williams is also facing five counts of endangering the welfare of a child

and trespassing on a school bus police. But the bus driver, identified as Petrula Griffin, said she forgives the woman. There's your first mistake. You should hunt her down and punch her in the face. I'd suggest the local Popeyes. Forgives the woman

for the degrading attack that left her with cuts and bruises all over her body. The killer part about... This is her talking to the victim, Ms. Petrula. The killer part about it is she just didn't want to hear anything I had to say, Griffin said of Williams. They displayed the animalistic, that's them saying it, characteristics like savages.

This is what the bus driver's saying. That's how they stood outside the, characteristics like savages. This is what the bus driver's saying. That's how they stood outside the bus, like savages. The guys were standing out there, grown men standing out there, and one even said, stop, don't do that. But did the grown men jump in and try to help you, Miss Griffin? She says, I feel like God's angels of protection were with me. Well, I'd have to say you should fire those angels. I don't think they did shit to protect you.

The fucking angels were sleeping on the job, motherfucker. Getting my fucking hair pulled, my face smacked in. Fucking angels sitting there smoking a cigarette, ain't watching shit. But I don't know what else to say, folks. I don't know what else to say folks I don't know what else to say we do these stories every day

and I'm sure there's 17 million each as Bill Hicks said about this country it's an experiment that's not working I'm really starting to believe that you're going to know who she is now bitch what's my name You're going to know who she is now, bitch. What's my name? San Francisco airport officials say there's a surge of homeless people taking shelter.

Yeah. Because you guys don't know how to run a fucking city, you bunch of lib jackoffs. Yeah. You won't judge anybody's behavior. You can shit on the sidewalk, shoot needles into the head of your car, get a bus stop. Nobody's going to stop you.

Nobody's going to say anything. You have apps telling people how to get around fucking human feces, and it's one of my favorite cities. I've said it before. I've been there many times. The most physically, it's just one of my favorite cities. I haven't been there forever.

Don't feel like I'm missing a thing. And this is, now it's at the airport, which isn't in right downtown. So now homeless are flooding to the airport and it's getting really ugly. Many are said to arrive in the middle of the night via BART. That's the train system out there. I've taken it a few times. From the city. Spokesperson Doug Yagle said that administrators are working hard to produce effective short and long-term solutions to the matter. Apparently you're not working hard enough. Terminal D looks like a fucking soup kitchen in Queens. We might make Samtran tokens available.

That'll solve the problem. Give them tokens. We might, if they're eligible, transport them to a nearby homeless shelter. What's eligibility? How do you have to be eligible to be... You have to be laying in your own stool, drinking a cup of your own piss with your titties out.

Oh, I say she's eligible. Ultimately, we want to develop advocacy that finds the proper channels for these. Listen to the fucking King's English they use. Meanwhile, the fucking world's crumbling about them. So we're starting to reach out to homeless advocacy in San Mateo County. Yeah, bring them out there.

Bring them out to those fucking assholes. The only county where I was kicked out of a comedy club for smoking on stage. Fired right in the middle of the weekend for smoking. Bring them out to those. Those are the fucking lib jerk-offs. Go ahead. And they'll be complaining when their malls are overrun and stuff. If I was homeless, which I will be soon,

I would go to a mall, right? Right before closing, pretend I'm shopping and shit. And then I'd go hide somewhere. I'd go to the fitting room. Victoria's Secret. I'd be sniffing panties all night, dressing up in the shit. Not me, I'm just saying, this is a good idea for some of you. Wouldn't it be easy to fucking hide in a mall?

Huh? It sounds like it. You know what I mean? You go to fucking whatever, Macy huh it sounds like it you know i mean you go to fucking whatever macy's you go hide in the water fountain hide in the water fountain that's right get a snort get a tank and just lay low for a couple hours pick up all that loose change but the mall to me would be the answer you can get lost in a big store any fucking department store just hide in the clothing racks lights are out. You're in there fucking having a ball. Don't come to the airport.

I'm trying to get to the skid marks in Buffalo. I have a gig. I don't want to smell your shit. Eventually, they're going to make their way onto the planes. You know, that's going to fucking... We'll give them tokens. A former... Listen to this. This is where it's scary. A former airport employee told the outlet that she went everywhere with a buddy in the early hours of her shifts,

apparently as a safety precaution, given the amount of homeless people she'd encountered, especially during bad weather. Can you imagine? She's afraid. She's working in the goddamn airport and she's afraid. Danger, Will Robinson. Danger. No, Will Robinson. Danger. Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? It reminds me when I went to Afghanistan to do the USO gig with Baba Bowie and Artie and Atel, I think Florentine, whatever. We landed in Kyrgyzstan with a Y,

and we landed in the middle of the night. It's a tiny little airport in the middle of nowhere. And half of it was that the lights weren't even on in half the airport i go to find like a men's room to piss this fucking hookers standing outside the men's room i wanted to give him a shot i gotta be honest with you but didn't have the time had a connecting flight to fucking kabul um but uh yeah there was hookers hanging out and like not all the lights were on and shit it was really fucking sort of like san francisco sfo i'm guessing that's where it's headed to uh an official of san francisco uh coalition on

homelessness jennifer friedenbach said it wasn't a shock that homeless populations would take refuge at the airport given the deficit of affordable how i don't understand you using the term affordable housing when a guy is homeless or a woman is homeless or something, there's nothing affordable housing-wise. So what is it? You got to give them something, apparently. You know, tents work. You guys have plenty of those downtown.

Fucking get them out of the airport and give them tents. Find a big giant field somewhere, isn't there? Where do the giants play metal lands which giants oh jesus christ i'm stupid san francisco it used to be a tnt park but i think they renamed it yeah well yeah after after the giants are done you get that whole put up a thousand tents in the outfield i don't know if they demolish candlestick yet i'll have to check oh boy it was too you'd freeze to death staying there like in the homeless be like i, I ain't staying out here. It's 11 degrees, motherfucker. It's a good way to take care of them.

Yeah, it's a good way to take care of them. But I laugh when they use affordable housing as one of the solutions. Because San Francisco lacks a room in many shelters. So in other words, you know, it's the system's fault. It's not that these people get up and shoot heroin into their toes at 9 a.m. and fucking smoke weed and lay around. They're just literally nowhere. And yes, I know some of them.

But there's just literally nowhere else for people to go. Again, that's where tents come in. Go to Modell's or whatever your store is out there. According to a report published earlier this month by the Bay Area Council Economic Institute, a local think tank. How can you have a think tank in Northern California? That's fucking hilarious. The San Francisco Bay Area has the third largest homeless

population in the nation behind New York and L.A. Well, congratulations! That's nice. Anyways, one travel expert acknowledged that San Francisco's homelessness crisis has intensified to the point of hurting the city's nine billion dollar tourism industry on the grants just admit you don't know what the fuck you're doing and all your liberal horseshit and throwing money

at problems doesn't work why don't you i don't know call texas they seem to have this shit together or any red state you gotta say no to some people you see a guy taking a dump you got to arrest them you can't go uh-oh pull up your pants and go somewhere else seriously like giuliani took over new york when i first moved to new york city it was a fucking mess there was squeegee guys in every corner i went out to la for a year came came back. I thought I was in a different city. Giuliani, he got elected while I was out there. I come back, there's no trash on the streets. I don't see homeless guys anywhere. Then I found a

bunch of bones and some Mountain Dew bottles behind my apartment building. Oh no! Whatever it takes. We are losing business, Joe D'Alessandro, head of the San Francisco Travel Association,

said on Fox News in July. We have groups who say they can't come to San Francisco as long as the streets are like this. In June, a major medical association withdrew from hosting

its annual convention in San Francisco, claiming its members no longer felt safe there. The cancellation of that one five-day trade show represented a loss of 40 million dollars to the local economy. 40 mil. You know, we build prisons, and I'm dead serious, right? These guys, wouldn't they kill it? We build

prisons like crazy, right? Can't we build something just like that without the bars? They're free to come and go. And you know what? They'd still be half empty. They'd still rather lay on a fucking park bench. The fresh air. Something about it. But this isn't the only airport.

Atlanta, another city run by Libs. Libs, I think. I think it's safe to say. Here's a news story. They have a homeless problem at that airport, blah, blah, blibs. Libs, I think. I think it's safe to say. Here's the news story. They have the homeless problem at that airport, too, apparently. Travelers will continue to share prime airport space at Hartsfield-Jackson with the homeless. That seemed to be the near-term reality as city council members quizzed the general manager about the problem. It is an ongoing concern that we have have and it's almost impossible for us to

stop it Fox 5 put a spotlight on the problem earlier this week that is noticeable mostly at night when the homeless gather a pregnant lady was blunt about her feelings she has the right to a size first of all the people they just showed those clips that was a a white kid sleeping across Those clips, that was a white kid sleeping across. He wasn't even homeless. And they show a guy with a shirt tail out. You know what I mean? Go ahead.

Essentially stay here indefinitely. We don't have money. We don't have cars. We don't work, you know. Pause. Pause. You don't what? You don't work? Oh, I think you just stumbled over the solution.

You don't work? I'm't work? Oh, I think you just stumbled over the solution. You don't work? I'm sorry, is that what you said? You don't have cars, you don't have money, and you don't work. I think the two are connected to the other one. Because to have cars and money and shit, you gots to work. But this is how, watch how they make this nice and diverse clip. They show like a white kid's legs it's a kid waiting for fights laying across three i see that every time i go to the airport

everywhere but that's how it makes it look like hey this problem's okay well you know i had a couple people come up and bless me monday evening when these pictures were taken hartsfield wasn't that busy but on peak travel days paying passengers may not be able to get a seat I believe what was mentioned was soiling of the chairs and things like that soiling of the I'm not saying that that has not happened Lane Hagen is the airport commander you had somebody recently come in and instead of going to the bathroom they relieve themselves into a trash can that was me by the way I was connecting to Jacksonville. I go, peepy.

And there's a long line in the... Again, this is America in 2019. Why don't you grab the homeless people by their fucking shoulders? And I'm dead serious. I don't care. Grab them by the shoulders and escort them out of the fucking airport.

Saying you can't piss here. I wonder if the guy was around. They're soiling the seats. It's not bad enough the plane I get on is a germ capsule. I gotta have fucking Otis' feces on my Hager slacks before I board. So the current mayor of Atlanta is a Democrat.

Her name is Ke keisha lance bottoms and they haven't had a republican mayor since the 1800s there you go how's that working out seriously the worst run cities baltimore atlanta san francisco libs detroit you don't know what the fuck you're doing you don't know what you're doing just admit it let the asshole Republicans take care of it that is it I've had enough for today folks I gotta do a 12 deep knee bends and some Pilates and you know remember go to cameo.com and click on my profile fill out the information and I'll send you a video or I'll send it to your enemy or your friends, whoever you'd like.

Roasting them, busting their balls into a fine powder. It's what I do. Anything else, Jace? We're all set here. Did you like how I dealt with Ryan and his infidelity to this company? There'll be more explanation coming. Anyways, that is it, folks. Thank you so much for joining us today.

I'll see some of you on patreon.com tomorrow. Take care of yourselves, everybody. © BF-WATCH TV 2021 We'll be right back. Bye.