The Nick DiPaolo Show - Texas Declares War On Cartels | Nick Di Paolo Show #1278

Episode Date: September 26, 2022

More Biden poll propaganda. Biden awards Elton John. More murders than abortions. The Big Easy to hire civilians for police work. Abbott goes after cartels. Weirdo loses it in Wal-Mart.

Hey guys, make sure to join me on Patreon to get extra stories each day. As you know, we call it the Encore Show, an exclusive, it's exclusive to Patreon supporters. Today I'll be talking about a weird assignment from a pastor at a school that involves kids and a bathtub. Very creepy, okay? You'll also get access to all the past shows, including all the Encore Shows, discounts on merchandise, and more. Visit patreon.com slash the Nick DiPaolo Show to sign up today. Enjoy the show, kids.

Who wants, you want coffee? Who wants coffee? Anybody want coffee? I'm making the coffee. What do you want? You want coffee? Yeah, I got it all right here. I'll tell you who doesn't need coffee That guy, am I right? I'm going to go. And now, here's Nick!

Ba-da-ba-ba-dum, ba-da-ba-da-bum, ba-da-ba-ba-da-bum. Great to be with you, Hawaii, tonight, folks. What a Monday. Boy, it's really hot outside. How hot is it? It's so hot I saw a Great Dane putting sunblock on his balls. Ed? Okay.

Great show. We got a little Jew actor, very good, in a movie called Jaws. Richard Dreyfuss and the great drummer from the band that just broke up, the Beatles, Ringo Starr. Real cocaine addict. Did some with him backstage, and I'll tell you. Good stuff. And from Owensboro, Kentucky, an 87-year-old lady,

Mabel Hartman. She's been saving the bones of her dead cats for over 40 years, and she makes jewelry out of them for her grandchildren. So she'll be home later. Good show. Absolutely. All right. So how was your weekend, folks? Again, I just love this time here. I'm sorry, but I'm a sports fanatic. Embarrassed at how much time I waste. every hour, my wife reads like three books. I'm not fucking kidding you. She finishes a couple a week, and that doesn't count

the one she's listening to when she's working and doing stuff like building a new garage or fixing the roof. Fucking soaks up. I'm laying there like a spaz just staring at the TV

from Thursday night till this morning. Oh, it's the Nebraska game. I didn't get that score. I did a little more than that, let's be honest, but that's my perfect day. I'm cooking. Made pizza. I'm cooking. I'm watching a college football game. Made pizza. I'm cooking. I'm watching a college football game.

I told my wife, if I had Bezos money, I'd be doing the same thing, except without you and 10 Horse. She didn't find it very funny. I mean, yeah. Anyways, yeah. So, you know what's so funny, Dallas? You remember me bragging back in April about the Red Sox bullpen? The next day, they went on a slide that never ended.

They're playing the Yankees. They played the Yankees this weekend, and he's treating it, which I understand, because they're completely out of it. For the last month, he's been playing guys from AAA, trying new pitches. It's so funny, and it doesn't bother him. They dropped four, but I just got it real them. You know, they drop four and... I'll just get it real quick. I know I'm boring you with

Red Sox, but we got this guy, Kassus, this kid, young. He's 265 pounds, about 6'5", first baseman. He's been up about a month. He's only hit 130. He's got five or six major league hits, four homers. He's fucking...

I don't care if he hits 111. Guy's been up for a minute. He's got like four homers and 10 ribbies. He's a monster. My wife thinks he's gay because he's got wide birthing hips. That's what she said. I go, what are you? I go, he just hit another homer against the Yankees.

I don't give a shit if he has kids. And I'm moving on quick, right? But what have the... You should see him at first base. He's already made like three highlight plays. He's dug at least three balls out of the dirt on throws from like third and short. Like he's the

guy I told you took his shirt off when he came up. He was sunning out in the outfield on his first day. They're like, dude, you can't do that. He just looks like he's so cocky and confident and shit. I fucking love him. Anyways, that's all we get to look for. The rest of the team, burn it. No.

Anyways, let's move on. Dallas' Braves will be in the playoffs. We have something to do here. Let's get right to polar propaganda is the headline. A 2024 rematch between President Biden and former President Trump would be a virtual dead heat, according to a new poll from Lioncock Suckers Inc. No, from Emerson. If you guys don't know it, if anybody believes that headline, like I said, you're part of the problem.

Emerson is the most liberal shithole college. Even for Massachusetts, it's liberal. If anybody believes that headline, like I said, you're part of the problem. Emerson is the most liberal shithole college. Even for Massachusetts, it's liberal. But it's also where I saw Rick Derringer. You guys don't know who he is. Great guitarist in the 70s. Stood a foot away from him in this little fucking room. Anyways, remember rock and roll?

Coochie, coochie, coo. Anyways, you don't. God damn the Coke. Anyways, the survey published, whatever, Friday found Biden would support a 45% of potential voters. While Trump came in with 44%. A total of 6% would vote for someone else. And 5% are undecided. A potential decisive block of voters. I don't believe a fucking word of it. Not a goddamn word. I don't care who did the goddamn, I don't care if

it's just a snapshot of that day. That's not possible. That is not fucking possible. Well, Nick, how do you know? We have evidence that the worst president in the history of this country is currently occupying the White House. And every other poll is saying the same, except for, you know, these keep hope alive. These are the dams lying again. I don't care if maybe it was a right-wing poll. I don't give a fuck. There's a reason to keep it close so you'll vote. I don't know.

There's no way that's fucking possible. The worst ever? Crying through the roof? Inflation? Everything. Immigration? Half of South America's living here. Every city's in a shambles?

You're going to tell me. It's neck and neck. Fucking blow me. Can I say that on the clip? Are we putting those clips out, by the way? I hope so. The poll also found voters split down the middle on the recent FBI raid of Mar-a-Lago. Of course. We can't even agree that's wrong. That's why we're doomed to fail as a species. Yeah, the radar mark with 33% saying it made them more likely to support Trump in 2024. Well, another 33% said it made them less likely. I'd like to go through

your machinations and your crazy left-wing head there. So it's all right to send the FBI after a civilian, a former president. You're all right with that. Why would that make you less likely to vote for him? You really think after all the shit they've done to him you really believe he's got documents and... Fuck it's all a bunch of shit. Can we try a dictatorship with Trump? The remaining 34% of voters said their mothers used to touch them with a fucking can of Lysol. What? Said the raid made no difference. As the midterms approach, President Biden's approval ratings remain underwater with 45% of voters approving. Really? It's even that high? Bullshit. How about 3%? His fucking wife and a couple other twats.

Approving his performance. And 49% disapproving. Really? Not even 50% disapproving? Still, the numbers are Biden's highest from Emerson all year and have been steadily improving. Those are the highest numbers he's got. And they're improving. I can see why he's doing a bang-up job.

Thank you. A generic 2022 midterm. These fucking lights are making my eyes water. I can't see shit. That, I'm 71. A generic 2022 midterm House ballot showed voters equally divided between Democrats and Republicans. Again, more horseshit.

With 45% each, a steady improvement from Democrats despite record high inflation. Again, I don't believe a fucking word of it. What you just said. I didn't say nothing. Is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. Well, I'm reading. Everyone in this room is now dumber.

What do you mean everyone? Dallas is here. May God have mercy on your soul. There is no God. Suck a dick. Sorry, folks. Just let out how I feel. Biden's increase in

approval appears to be driven by women voters. What else? Ladies, honest to God. I don't even believe that, ladies. Because he called moms, basically, who care about their kids, remember the teachers, town hall meetings, terrorists. Remember that? And he called the parents domestic. Do you remember

that, ladies? But what? So you want me to believe because of the abortion? That's the fake line out evidence that's that. God, I need a fucking translator. I'm so excited. Let's take a, ladies, let me tell you, you keep this shit up because you got Obama elected, all you fucking suburban housewives that fell for that Marxist cocksucker. And now you're going to help this dink out. This is what I would do to you if I could get my hands on all of you ladies. Ow! God, that turned me on. That's me making my wife read the electricity bill.

Oh, I didn't tell you guys. I know you guys like personal shit. No pun intended either. I'm laying on the goddamn... Dallas, I didn't even tell you this. I'm laying on the couch. Again, it was so traumatic. I don't know if it was Saturday or Sunday.

Saturday, I think, or Sunday. It doesn't matter. So I hear what I think is the washing machine. You know, we have a room in the kitchen, off the kitchen with a washing machine and dryer stacked. I hear what I think is the washing machine. And then it's getting louder. I hear like water.

Now you can hear it. And I go, wait a minute. I've been laying on this couch for 41 years. I've never heard water like that. I come around the corner. The kitchen, it's gushing out. Our kitchen floor, there's like a two-inch wave, like at the beach, with toilet paper and shit in it.

Filling my kitchen! Andy's upstairs. She had taken a bath in our new bathroom and, you know, let the water drain. Apparently, there was a blockage somewhere. It was like a scene out of Meet the Parents. She's like, what's that smell? I said, that smells like shit.

It's like the movie. Thank God, very little poops. Because I said, those are yours. I go, that fucking looks like a rabbit broke into the house. I said, if those were mine, I would have dented the fridge and fucking, come on. I said, I don't see a piece of, there's nothing. Anyways, yeah, so there was a blockage somewhere. Jesus Christ.

Don't worry, folks. Dallas, don't worry. The kitchen's clean. Those pizza taste interesting? Yeah, exactly. What's with these smoky, corny flips? I'm on my knees at 3 in the morning with a toothpick, picking the shit out of the wooden floor.

No, folks, I didn't do that. We had the maid do that. Anyways, that's a true story, and it was mortifying. Since July, back to the story. Since July, women voters' approval of the president has jumped 10 points. What are you, the dumbest people on earth? Oh, that answers the question. See the V?

I just realized when you put that up, Dallas. Vagina. No, honest to God. That's exactly what it is. It's the letter that begins the word vagina, and it's shaped like a snatch. Right? And ironically, Whoopi has a big black cock. Sonny Hoyson, the one on the right, is the most racist, vile twat,

just the most hateful leftist piece of shit. Enjoy Behar. I don't have to say anything about her. The blonde broad, I don't know. I'd finger pop her. Let's leave her be. Presidents jumped 10 points from 39% to 49%. Spencer Kimball, some jerk-off.

Executive director of Emerson College polling. Women voters support the Democratic congressional candidate over the Republican candidate by 10 points, while men break for the Republicans like they always do by 12 points. You fucking broads. I don't mean you ladies at home. You're obviously, you vote like us. You're brilliant.

But these other fucking whores. Nick, why so crass? Well, it's fun. That's all I'm going to say. Stop believing what you hear on TV, please. Go outside. Will you? Look around. Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi.

Speaking of morons, and that's what Joe Biden is, by the way. And I love that doing this. Well, I wonder if he's going to run in 2020. They already know. They already, he already knows. He has to go, I haven't, I haven't answered that yet. Bullshit. They will kill you, Joe.

Your own people will kill you. Not literally, but I mean,. Your own people will kill you. Not literally, but I mean, they're not going to let you. They're going to get you in the bingo hall. Somebody's going to, whatever, they're going to poison your gerb as strained peas, you dink. Moron headline, moron rewards genius. According to Biden, it's Elton John's fault we're spending $6 billion to fight HIV. He gave some award, of course, like an idiot, I don't mention it in the text, some award that only, you know, people, whatever, that are going to die soon get. Whatever. I mean, I'll play the clip in a second, and look, Elton's about as happy as I am to be there. Standing next to the fake doctor.

It's some award for humanity, whatever. All the shit he did with HIV and all that shit, which, again, was a while ago. You're just getting around to it now? Huh? What are you going to do, give Mickey Dolenz the monkey pox? I didn't even mean that. Mickey Dolenz is a monkey. Not bad, Nick.

You're a funny prick. I'm sure you are. Anyways. Look, to the right, you've got a guy from the love boat, Captain Stubing. But listen to Joe. Can I just say, I'll comment after the clip. Go ahead, play it.

National Humanities Medal to Sir Elton John for moving our souls with his powerful voice and one of the defining songbooks of all time. Enduring icon and advocate. I agree with all that. I love Elton John. Who found purpose to challenge convention, shatter stigma, and advance the simple truth. And suck a cock. That everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect.

No, they don't. I'll show you later. That's bullshit. No, they don't. I'll show you later. That's bullshit. No, they don't. Look at, look at, what do I do with this? Pause. You hear the audience going crazy? Because that means we're good too. We believe in this. That means we're good too. We believe in this. I love fucking Elton John. But he also bumped me on the Tonight Show.

So he's a little bit of a selfish cocksucker. My first Tonight Show I got bumped by, and he signed that album for me. But I couldn't even meet him. I had to bring the album upstairs. Somebody brought it up because he was surrounded. The fucking kind of humor he. Should've said I sucked a prick. I could have been right up there.

Alright, let these guys hug each other. I think we surprised him. Pause. You know you're a fucking mumbling, stuttering little fuck. You know that? Who gives a fuck what you think? Surprised him right now.

Joe thinks he's at a bowling alley ordering a sandwich. He has no fucking... All right, go ahead. Sir Elton. I just said to the First Lady, I'm never flabbergasted, but I'm flabbergasted and humbled and honored by this incredible award from the United States of America. I will treasure this so much, and it will make me double my efforts to make sure this disease goes away.

Pause. There's like three people left with HIV. And it will make me double my efforts to make sure this disease goes away. Pause. It's like three people left with HIV. Magic Johnson got it, and he put on 90 pounds of muscle. I used to do that in my act. I'd go, what am I fucking working out for? I should have blown a male figure skater. Go ahead.

America's kindness to me as a musician is second to none but in the war against AIDS and HIV it's even bigger and I can't thank you enough I'm really emotional about this thank you Joe wipes down the mic with a handy way that would have been funny

he goes this wasn't on your ass, was it? Go ahead. It's all his fault that we're spending $6 billion in taxpayer money this month to help AIDS fight HIV AIDS. To help AIDS. Pause. He's trying to be ironic there, and he can't even do that. He worded it very weird. I know what he meant. He was trying to be ironic there, and he can't even do that. He worded it very weird. I know what he meant. He was trying to compliment them.

What a way to say it. Huh? What a way to say it. Exactly. Yeah, it's weird. Then he's like, billion, and the emphasis on it. Exactly.

There's a million things, a million ways you could have complimented him. It's his fault. It's like talking to the taxpayers. Like, it's not his fault for everything. like talking to the taxpayers. Like it's not his fault for everything. He goes to $6 billion to help AIDS. That ought to infect a lot of them. Give me another $10 million. We'll work on that. Oh, Joe, I don't like you. That's enough, right? But I didn't see no more of that. Anyways, here was my take on that.

Do you see what this is? And I wrote it down for you. Libs really believe they're the only ones who believe people should be treated with dignity and respect. They really think they have the moral high ground. Like, you know what I mean? Do we need to be reminded of that every day? You know who needs to be reminded of it, Joe? People who vote for you.

Because I saw like 10 clips online this weekend that are appalling. Some gas station in Philly, Wawa, whatever the fucking thing. About 100 black kids in there destroying it for no reason. Throwing food at each other, breaking shit. Just destroying it. They deserve dignity and respect. Or the people who fucking rioted and burned down half the country? Or who killed

cops? They deserve... Everything's asked backwards. But they love to remind us dummies that every chance they get that, you know... Hey, Joe, why don't you tell that to the January 6th protesters that are rotting in jail for the last year over nothing?

Do they deserve some respect and dignity for what, trespassing? Please pass away in your sleep, scumbag. Ruined Elton. Anyways. I'm all fired up. I got 10 rights so far on the pool. If I get the Giants minus two tonight against the Cowboys,

that's an 11 out of 16. If I was in Vegas, that would have been a nice weekend. Anyways, do you guys have a Nick DiPaolo show hoodie? All the colored kids do. Well, you should. With fall coming,

a great time to break into jewelry stores. We decided to mark down hoodies 10% from now until October 3rd. Or grab a Nick DiPaolo Show t-shirt, hat for yourself or for someone that you care about. Purchasing merch is another way to help support this show and also be the best dressed guy or gal or anything in between. Just go to NickDip.com and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com and click on the store button. Thank you guys very, very much. Comedy been very, very good to me.

What do we got now? Johnny, tell them what they've won. Murder. Turtle wax and rice-a-roady together. Murder wins over murdering babies. What's that mean? Well, here we go. We're talking about more polls and shit.

Crime has surpassed abortion. This is why you guys shouldn't believe this myth that after that abortion ruling, although the timing was weird. I don't trust Roberts or anybody. This is why you shouldn't believe that that's going to, that's why the Dems are getting traction now. Crime has surpassed abortion among concerns for Americans who also said they trust Republicans more than Democrats to handle it.

Now, see, I can believe that because we have evidence that they would, because it's the Dems that are in control right now, and it's the worst crime ever. So you see the difference. You go, oh, you didn't believe the last poll. No, because this makes sense. The other one makes no sense. Giving them the highest lead on the issue in more than 30 years. Boy, that really refutes what we just said, didn't it?

And this is according to an ABC Washington Post poll. Okay, release. So the Republicans finally... I'm just saying, I think they're gonna... I still say it's gonna be a fucking red tsunami. People don't believe me. Don't you? Anyways, according to the survey

produced for ABC News by Langer Research, ooh, they're good, in New York City, the economy, 89%. People thought that was important. Education, 77%. Inflation, 76%. Wait, where's climate? Isn't that the most existential? Topped out the issue voters consider highly important as midterms loon but

those issues were followed closely by crime at 69% which beat out abortion at 62% okay you can combine the two right if you're gonna have an abortion just go outside get shot. I don't know how that works or if it made any sense, but it looked like it did. Immigration and climate change brought up the rear. I don't understand the immigration thing.

That should be right. Personally, I think that should be at the top. You think crime's going to get better when half of South America's living here? Fucking people. And 50% respectively, meaning climate change. 50%. That came in like fucking last, because nobody gives a shit. Because it's, they're just full of shit. Asked which political party they trust to do a better job handling key issues,

respondents answered Third Reich. What? Answered 15% in favor of Republican Party when it comes to crime, compared to 38, really? Only 14% more? I don't believe any of this fucking shit, you people. I can do anything better than you. No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't. Yes, you people. I can do anything better than you. No, you can't.

Yes, I can. No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't. Shut up, both of you. Hope you both fucking die of AIDS. Hope Elton can't help you. Crime and support for law enforcement

is a crucial topic among voters throughout the United States. You know why? Because it's going to hit home soon. If it hasn't already. As crime surges in cities nationwide, 60% of voters overall consider crime a major issue in the lead up to the midterm elections.

52% of Democrats and 69% of Republicans. Only 52% of Democrats. See how naive they are? That was an August poll from Pew Research. And I say Pew. The ABC survey also found President Biden's approval ratings are lower than whale shit in a fucking whale shit. What? Who said what? Oh, he doesn't look happy there. He's like, I asked for strained peaches. Have plummeted since they, yeah, with only 22% strongly approving of his performance.

Why don't we find those 22% and seriously sterilize them or just fucking kill them? Just like they did back in the day, make them dig their own hole. Nick, that's horrible. No, I feel that way now. I'm tired of it. I can't take it anymore. Right? 22% looked at him go yeah i don't care i don't care if i'm paying a lot again oh that's come down they're trying to take shut up speaking of that cackling his talk that she might replace him replace him in 2024. They can't be serious. Anyways, down from 34%. In April, he had 34% people approved of how he did it. Those who strongly disapproved, meanwhile, jumped from 35% in April of 2021 to 41% in September. The study also noted that Biden's approval rating hit some milestones in the latest polling,

hitting new lows among liberals at 68%, 33% among Southerners, and 34% among people in the middle to upper middle income range. You're a loser. He sure is. You already be a loser. Guy's never won nothing, and he didn't win the last election. And if you think that, you can go give your sister a whack on her ass for me. Headline, things difficult in the Big Easy. For you idiots out there, the Big Easy is New Orleans, which is very black and very violent.

Surprise. New Orleans is tanking, tanking. is tanking, tanking, New Orleans is tanking and taking desperate measures to combat its soaring a slay rate amid a severe police staffing shortage. This was shocking, this story, including hiring civilians. I'll repeat that. The police department's hiring civilians to send out to crime scenes to gather evidence. No, they're ignorant. That's ignorant. Mara, what did you do today? Would you go supermarket shop and pick stuff up for dad? No, I dusted for prints on a fucking

escalator. I found three brothers shot in the back. They wanted me out. I outlined a body in front of my salon. Civilians! You could just send civilians out? They can't be any stupider than the la remember the lapd during oj they're walking through the blood leaving trails there's blood on their rugged home

how'd that get there civilians also replace at least some cops currently on administrative duty see the cops are on administrative duty so now the civilians can replace them in the office so the officers can head back to the mean streets of the Big Easy, now the murder capital of the United States. The goal is for our officers to feel safe. Is it? I thought your goal should be for the civilians to feel safe. Oh, well, we're reversing it. It's the civilians' job to make the cops feel safe. Guy doesn't even say that with any irony, To feel safe so they can make our citizens and visitors feel safe. Yeah, nothing makes visitors and citizens feel safe than my grandmother fucking walking down the street with a machete

guarding Ward 12, whatever they do now. Anyways, New Orleans Police Superintendent Sean Ferguson said that. And there's Sean. He looks sharp as a tack. Sean, I'm glad you're out there trying to do it, brother, but you're sharp. Who would want to be a cop right now in any of these cities? Not just because of the crime, folks. They defund, they made it dangerous, they made you liable.

It's all intentional. I hope you guys realize this is all intentional. Sean Ferguson said at a press conference last week, in addition to hiring civilian specialists to monitor phones and perform administrative duties, about 50 to 75 will be enlisted to respond to some minor

calls. Hello, Arby's. This is Detective Ferguson. Who's this? Jimmy. Jimmy. Help us.

Take off that fucking apron. Ah, there's more to that. Bet I'm too tight. Even trying to do some detective work. The cop top said. The cop top said, Nick. Is that what you said? Could I go any further

what kind of coffee is this holy shit I don't know he says as we take calls over the phone right hello there may be some evidence that needs to be collected with that call so who better to do it than Auntie Carol? Oh my, they're going to have civilians answering the phones. Can you imagine what that looks like? Not just New Orleans, maybe a white city. Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Yeah, exactly. I was going to show more of that clip. When I look at these clips, I end up watching two of them in a row. Like, I'm there for 30 minutes.

Fucking Mo had me crying. Most violent comedian ever. We'll have civilian investigators to go out and collect the evidence. Are you guys listening to me? Civilians are going to do this. Apparently, anybody can do their job, I guess. Collect evidence instead of an officer having to go out there and do it professionally. Jesus Christ.

The move comes after New Orleans recently passed St. Louis. What do they have in common? As the nation's murder capital with a 78% spike in homicides this year, as of September 11th, and 121% jump in homicides over 2019. Jesus. The department, which lost 150 cops from its ranks last year, is urging past police applicants who were rejected to give it another try. Oh, I bet they are. My message to you, this is Ferguson talking to the kids, the guys that he rejected. My message to you, Ferguson said, to those of you who may have been disqualified in the

past, I'm urging you to resubmit your application because some of our hiring criteria have changed. Shut up! Shut, shut, shut, shut, shut up! Shut up! Can you breathe? You're hired. That's what I was going to say. Used to have to do four push-ups. Not even. Not even. Now they're like, you got a wheelchair? Good. Ever hold a gun? No?

We'll teach you. Wheelchair means you're mobile. That's all. Can you imagine? We've changed that criteria. You made it a little. Why don't you just say there are no standards? We'll take anybody.

You know what a lot of those people will be? White people. White guys. I'm sure they get rejected. Remember? They get rejected a lot of those good people will be white people white guys i'm sure they get rejected remember they get rejected a lot now but not when it's getting ugly hey we'll take anybody hey guys make plans to come and see me when i'm in florida uh florida yeah nick have some vodka while you're there here are my confirmed dates friday november 11th palm beach kennel club west palm beach the next night nove November 12th, Saturday, Snappers Comedy Club, Fort Myers.

The next night, Sunday, November 13th, Sidesplitters Comedy Club, Tampa. And at the Tampa show, I'll be doing a live Q&A after the show with VIP ticket holders. We are... It's basically sold out already. It's six weeks off. So maybe the show is doing. It's six weeks off.

So maybe the show is doing what it's supposed to do. So anyways, grab some of those tickets. If you can. Yeah, if you can. There's only a few left. You can get tickets to all these shows at nickdip.com. I'll also be adding shows in Kansas City, Arkansas, and Louisiana. So keep your eyes open for those.

Oh, I will, Tom. Jesus Christ, nice routing. St. Louis, Louisiana. That's a good place. What am I doing downtown? Bang Bangs in New Orleans? Good comedy club. The Bullet Hole,, isn't there?

Anyways, I don't know, but I've been told big-legged woman ain't got no soul. Hey, you know what? Ay, ay, ay, ay. I am the little punky doggy. I like little skunkies. I love them, I do. Ay, ay, them, I do. Ah, yeah, yeah,

yeah. Ah, yeah, yeah. Ah, you didn't pick up on it either. It should be Abbott versus Teristas. Ah,

Teristas. Yeah. Frito Bandido. Oh, I'm reading, look at him. I'm reading a thing like Biden. Press Frito Bandido. Oh, I'm reading. Look at him. I'm reading a thing like Biden. Press Frito Bandido.

Governor Greg Abbott today issued an executive order designating Mexican drug cartels as terrorist organizations and instructing the Texas Department of Public Safety to take immediate action to keep Texans safe amid the growing national fentanyl crisis, which absolutely should have been done, oh, I don't know, how long ago? Ten years ago?

However, it's just dawned on us now that it's intentional. We used to think, well, we should blame the Americans because, well, we have an appetite for drugs. It's sort of our fault. It's being done intentional now that you can just follow it from China to Mexico. Folks, they're sick of us being at the top. And they're dismantling us, our society.

Whether it's gender studies and your gay fucking professor. Or China and Mexico working hand in hand to poison your kids. 100,000 kids die of this every year. Now there's a new thing out there, I read. They call it the Trank. It's literally a tranquilizer, anesthetic for horses. You know what this drug does, by the way?

It's more powerful than fennel and it gives you open sores on your body. Well, count me in. Anyways, at a roundtable discussion in press conference in Midland today the governor also sent a letter to president uh what's his name joe biden and vice president kamala yeast infection dumb empty pantsuit pig pig face Harris requesting federal terrorist classifications for the Sinaloa cartel

and the Jalisco New Generation cartel as well as other cartels producing and distributing deadly fentanyl. Look at this shit. Look at this. This was just in my yard in Georgia. I don't know who these guys are. But honestly,

they're wiping generations of young Americans out. And they certainly are a terrorist organization. Who wants to bomb them? Was that Abitu or was that DeSantis? Anyways, fentanyl is a clandestine, you're like one drug behind governor, I hate to tell you. Fentanyl is a clandestine killer and Texans are falling victim to the Mexican cartels that are produced. Everybody is, said Governor Abbott. Cartels are what we call terrorists.

That's not that. That's Spanish. So, doing a lot of the studies when we were going to Afghanistan dealing with the Taliban, a lot of comparisons studies when we're going to Afghanistan dealing with the Taliban, a lot of comparisons between the Taliban and the cartels. And actually, the cartels are actually worse than the Taliban. In what regards? The simple fact that whereas the Taliban will actually, you know,

kidnap family members to try and get you to become a suicide bomber, the cartel goes way further and the corruption is far deeper than it is in Afghanistan. Well, yeah, that's because there's no structural government in Afghanistan. Mexico is the filthiest, corrupt fucking, and you can't, boy, and you've got to hand, some of these guys run for president or whatever, mayor of a city, and they're dead. I mean, year after, how much balls that takes? I mean, Mexico is corrupt to the core. It's filthy third world

dump. Not all of it, but I'm not vacationing there. Anyways, cartels are terrorists and it's time we treat them that way, Abbott said. In fact, more Americans died from fentanyl poisoning in the past year than all terrorist attacks across the globe in the past 100 years. Let that sink in. In order to save our country, but again, Joe Biden leaving the borders wide open. Do you see, folks? I hope when you're in bed, you're going, how did they impeach Trump for these little things? And this guy is literally just shitting on the Constitution and he's getting away with it? Well, because it's bigger than Republican-Democrat. There's 12 guys in a room, maybe eight, maybe a couple of trans, a couple of lesbians, a fucking guy on a donkey, a guy with a full headdress, Indian,

I don't know who the fuck, running the world and they've determined and made the conclusion this country's going to be taken to its knees. Anyways, Abbott seems like he's positioned himself to run for president, particularly our next generation. We must do more to get fentanyl off our streets. I think he means it. I'm as mad as hell, but I'm not going to take this anymore. Governor Abbott also directed DPS and law enforcement agencies

to identify Texas gangs that support Mexican drug cartels and seize their assets. What are you going to do? Take away their motorcycles and machetes? Come on. In order to disrupt cartel networks operating in Texas communities as thousands of Texans have been poisoned. Mr. Abbott, thousands of Texans, fucking thousands of New Yorkers, upstate New Hampshire have been poisoned unwittingly. And that's the thing, folks. It's not just, they keep using the term, we've talked about this,

overdose. They're not overdosing. It's an intentional poisoning. It's not because you took too much. It's there to kill, it's put in you took too much. It's there to kill. It's put in there to kill Americans. By counterfeit pills, Lacewood did. And now, like, some kid will hand you, if you're a young kid, like Xanax. You think it's Xanax or some Adderall, and it's got fucking fentanyl in it. Can you imagine still having the balls to do that shit?

Lacewood, a deadly synthetic opioid. I mean, so they're asking for it. Do you want to go to war? Come on. Do you want to go to war? We'll take you to do that shit? Laced with a deadly synthetic opioid. I mean, so they're asking for it. Do you want to go to war? Come on. Do you want to go to war? We'll take you to war, okay? Tony. Tony, oh, Kanye. Look at that. That's how much heroin Dallas did this weekend. And that's how much

fentanyl I did. I had, oh, anybody see my tweet? Did you see that? Did I send you that, Dallas? I did. I had, oh, anybody see my tweet? Did you see that? Did I send you that, Dale? I did send you. No, the team that got beat 98 to nothing? Oh, yeah, yeah. It was,

the team that lost was Warner. Who the fuck beat them 98 to nothing? Huh? Stephen F. Austin. Which is a juggernaut. Yeah, and of course, I took Warner plus the 97, and I still are. 98-0. Come on. That's horrible.

That's absolutely horrible. Unreal. This isn't the last story, is it? It is. Boy, time flies when you're not having any fun on a Monday. What do we got here? Price check for cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. She cut in line and then freaked out.

This is just a clip somebody sent me. When someone said something, she lost her fucking mind, this lady. Let's take a look. I can't even... What is this? A Walmart? One of those stores. That's her, by

the way, the tight end to the right. Fucking looks like George Kittle. The fucking monster. Somebody raped her? That's what she says in this clip. But listen to her lose her shit, and you tell me if she should be out in public at all with this mindset. Fucking nuts!

I didn't touch you, man. I was raped not that long ago, and I can't stand another man touching me! Buzz, I don't even believe some of this. I was raped and I can't. I swear to God, this is how cynical I am. The guy's part of it. It's another way to portray men in this country as evil and shit.

Either way, even if I'm fucking wrong, she should be put to sleep. But imagine acting like this in public I need to leave I still got I still got. She threw some of my stuff. Okay. You know the place you're stuck. I'm a hell of a father. Buzz. See how quick the female minority employees to jump to the woman's defense?

Because that's the climate we live in now. That woman's clearly insane for whatever reason. But they're so quick to go, sir, you have to, no, she's the fucking psychotic here. You want to hear the rest of the story? Tyesha, go ahead. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry. Well, she wasn't sorry when she cut in line. Fuck you. I didn't see you. To make it. Oh, I just asked her if she saw anyone in line. Just go. That's an adult.

You're making it worse. Let's just walk up to them. I Let's just squawk up to them. I'm just talking. Squawk up to them. Squawk with Chris. Squawk with Chris. Just... Just... Just to calm everything down. Ha ha!

Fucking! Okay. Okay. Nobody can hear you. Nobody cares about you. Nothing will come of this. Ow! You're entitled to shit. What a fucking psycho, huh?

Nothing for you. Oh my God. She said, I've been raped. I can't stand for another man to touch me. How did he touch her? She cut in front of him, apparently. That's the story. She should be out in public.

Mentally fucking ill. You know what I'm saying? And my take on that is, folks, don't you understand, because she was raped, supposedly, probably so, she's a perpetual victim the rest of her life. It gives her a cop launch

to act anyway. You know, in her head, it means she gets to behave with impunity until the end of time. Fuck her, I say. Oh, let me take that back. Somebody already did that. That's how this all started. Apparently.

Anyways. Allegedly. Allegedly. Again, who knows? Can you imagine acting like that? Oh, my God. I did once. I didn't get pickles

on a quarter pounder with cheese. Dude, my two kids growing up never once screamed like that in public, ever. Well, you said I should start teaching them. They'll get stuff. Yeah, exactly. Right? Unbelievable.

I hope that lady goes out for the Patriots. They need a tight end. Oh, they get fucking whipped. That was one of my losses. And Matt Jones fucks up his ankle badly. Who's that? I don't even know who the fucking backup is. Jimmy Garoppolo's

sister? Elena Garoppolo? What the fuck? Oh, boy. Anyhow. But again, let me just say this about the Patriots' Belichick, and I've been saying it for years. He treats the first four games like an extended preseason.

I guarantee you in a couple weeks, they'll get their shit together. Why I picked against my Lamar Jackson, who's just, to me, he's the reason I always usually put my money on the fucking Raven the guy is just a if he's on you know what I'm saying like he's healthy now and he's running around like he was a year ago

I don't know anyways that's it boys and girls again don't act like that in public I'll fucking hit you with a fucking prosciutto sandwich don't forget cameo.com If you'd like me to roast a friend or relative, go to Cameo, click on my profile. It'll tell me about the person. I'll make a little video on my phone. We send it to them. We ruin their day. Actually, we make their

day because usually the people send it to the people who love me and it's fun. I told you, guy's shoving out his wedding, divorced a week week later uh anything else I hope everybody's on a patreon spread the word uh that is it you guys think that I will say you're very welcome see you back here tomorrow at the same time have a good day everybody guitar solo guitar solo Thanks for watching!