The Nick DiPaolo Show - The Rat Takes The Stand | Nick Di Paolo Show #1570

Episode Date: May 14, 2024

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about the Rat Cohen, Goff's paycheck, Kamala's mouth and more!   Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 You're being very negative, Mr. DiPaolo. Hi, I guess. Is that where we are? Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, on a, what is it, Tuesday? It's a Tuesday. I will be taking off at the airport right after this, but as you know, me and Dallas take care. Yeah, we put a bitchin' kitchen in the can. Shepherd's pie.

Right, Dallas? I know that was right up your alley because it had beer in it. And I did lamb. Most people, well either way, it's either lamb or ground beef. I use ground lamb. The wife hates it. I like to fill the house with aromas. That makes us throw up blood.

And no, I've made it for ten years the way she wants it. You mind? Yummy though, right Dallas? Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah. You mind? Yummy, though, right, Dallas? Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah. I under-seasoned a little bit. Rookie mistake.

But, God. Yeah. Still delicious. And I was at, there's a grocery store called Red and White. It's basically a black run store. And it's where you go for your, you know, your ham hocks and your pig's feet. But everything else, too, it's great. It takes me three seconds to get there, my car.

And I was looking for a nice dark, maybe a Guinness or whatever. It came down to what else? Old English or a fucking Colt. No, I found a can of Fosters, which when we were in high school, we're like, that's the strongest bear there is, and it comes in like a small keg, which I love, and used that. Anyways, you guys are going to love it. It's a kind of a meat, literally a meat and potatoes thing. Anyways, let's get right to the goddamn show, I guess, because I'm in a bit of a rush here. The Rat Takes the Stand. I don't

know if you watched Gutfeld last night. I gave him a nice opening when they talked about this story. I gave him a nice setup saying they don't allow cameras in the room, but we caught Michael Cohen going to lunch, and I sent him the clip of the rat pulling a slice of pizza downstairs. He got a nice fucking laugh. Anyways, you know me. I got to take credit for everything. Michael Cohen, in stoking interest in his own appearance, the former Trump counsel promised the public they should be prepared to be surprised. Thus far, however, Cohen has offered nothing new, and more importantly, nothing to make the case for Manhattan. Boy, is this, I don't want to say white supremacy but we really do better than they do who's they Nick?

the libs nothing new and more importantly nothing to make the case for Mr. Alvin Alvin Bragg but you know fucking Michael Cohen he does he does look like a rat he's got that fucking little mouth under the long nose.

Cohen had only one advantage for Bragg, his notoriously flexible morals and ethics, which allows him to say most anything to support his sponsors. He's trying to get a reality show online. With prosecution's case almost over, Bragg needed Cohen to clearly state that Trump intentionally committed fraud to conceal some still poorly defined crime. Nobody knows what it is. The problem is that Cohen only confirmed that Trump knew he was going to pay for the nondisclosure agreement and that it would be buried before the election. None of that is unlawful, according to the lawyers. Witnesses detailed how Cohen was ridiculed as someone prone to exaggeration and unprofessional.

Why was Trump using him? Former Trump associate Hope Hicks, very ugly Hope Hicks, seen here, just makes me want to vomit. Oh, my God. Just makes me want to vomit. Oh, my. Said that Cohen was constantly trying to insinuate himself into the campaign. I don't know if they used insinuate right there.

That sounds weird. And that he used to like to call himself Mr. Fix-It. But it was only because he first broke it, she said. Cohen only succeeded in confirming that he put together this payment and advised Trump to go forward with it. He assured him that it would effectively kill the story before the election. None of that is illegal. The fix-it man assured Trump that he fixed it and now wants Trump to go to jail for following that advice that he gave him.

And Mr. Gutfeld has a great metaphor for that. It's like the fucking doctor suing the doctor. I can't remember. That was pretty good, trust me. What did he say? It's like suing the patient. If the doctor gave you the wrong medicine and you got sick, it's like suing the patient for the...

In the course of that representation, Cohen also admitted to taping his client, without his knowledge. Right there, you got it. Right there. A breathtaking breach of trust in confidentiality, Nick tried to say. I love that cocksucker like a brother, and he fucked me in the ass. Trump. Let's take a nice, we have audio, right? Here's the audio of when Michael Cohen recorded Trump unknowingly. Trump didn't know.

It was about a minute and a half. I just took like the middle 30 seconds. Here you go. The interesting part. I need to open up a company for the transfer of all of that info regarding our friend David, so that I'm going to do that right away. I've actually come up and I've spoken to Alan Weisselberg about how to set the whole thing up with funding. Yes. And it's all the stuff, all stuff because you know you never know where that company never know what he's gonna be it's it but correct so I'm I'm all

over that and I spoke to Alan about it when it comes time for the financing which will be listen what we'll have to pay you so no no no no no I got no no no all right that sounded like a clip from The Sopranos. Might get hit by a bus. He didn't mean it like that, though. You know what I mean? But that, and our friend David, I love that type of talk.

The Sopranos did a thing on it, maybe the funniest fucking thing ever. This guy, Johnny Sacks' brother-in-law, who sells glasses for a living. He's not a mafia guy, but sometimes he gets involved, so he doesn't know the jargon. And he's talking to Johnny Sack over the phone,

and Johnny's trying to use the code shit, and he's trying to use code. And he's like, our friend in Jersey. The big one? No, the little one. That type of shit. And so they try to do that. And he keeps fucking up. And Johnny's like, did you pick up the 20 packs of licorice, whatever?

And then at the end, they start talking about Johnny Sack's daughter's wedding. And Johnny goes, did you pick up the cake with the marzipan flowers? Yeah, marzipan flowers. And the brother-in-za fan maza what is it maza pan flower yeah maza pan flowers and the brother-in-law was like uh what is that i don't know maza the actual cake you're winning oh my god fucking anyways i know you guys are it's not even clear why paying one's lawyer a lump sum for his service and costs, including the NDA payment, was not a legal expense or how it was supposed to be entered on a business ledger. Absent a sudden epiphany in his final testimony on Tuesday, Merkin, the judge, should rule in favor of a directed verdict that is

throwing the case out before it goes to jury. But what are the odds he's going to do that? He's been such a prick the whole time and he has eyeliner on here. So he's a half a fruit cup. Don't you think? Yeah, I don't think so based on how he's treated Trump and the gag orders and all that horse shit. But this is what it comes down to. They're trying to say it was a campaign thing. You know, it's a bookkeeping. In NDA, people pay for NDA disclosures all the time. Not only that, Bragg, when this first came to Bragg, when he first took office as the,

whatever the fuck he is, attorney general, he turned it down. He said there's nothing there. There's a million reasons. Statue of limitations. The judge, his biggest problem is going to be what one do I pick from? As far as saying this is bullshit. Anyways, ladies and gentlemen, that would be in a perfect world.

In the second half of the show, I'm going to be talking about some news about Ozempic that might shut you haters up. But then again, something tells me I'm going to be in an iron lung too in about four years. But I'm going to look terrific. But no, there's a doctor in the UK. And let me just tell you this. The UK, they don't allow statins, which half of Americans are, you know, for high cholesterol, Lipitor and all that horse shit. They don't allow for that shit over in the UK. Because, you know, even over here, I asked my doctor, he goes,

well, I said, England doesn't allow this shit. He goes, you know, even over here, I asked my doctor, he goes, well, I said, England doesn't allow this shit. He goes, I know, but we believe over here, after many studies, it does more good than bad. Well, how about it does no bad? I think that's right, you hypocritical, oh, you hypocritical, you hypocritical. Anyhow, let's move on, shall we? Oh, and the other story is Target apparently didn't learn the lesson go woke, go broke. Because they're already planning for the...

Imagine next month's already Fruit Cup Day again. When are we not fucking celebrating their assholes? And their penises and their... Oh, come on, Nick. Anyways, let's move on. Month of, wait a minute, you got to take that, you got to put it in parentheses or, what do you call it? Because it looks like a headline. You would do it too. I did it again. I pulled a Joe Biden. Pause.

In honor of National Military Appreciation Month, Mug Club, you know to leave that in, that funny shit, right? Yeah, okay. Mug Club, you know to leave that in, that funny shit, right? Yeah, okay. Mug Club recognizes the courage and patriotism of those who have served or are currently serving in our armed forces, Dallas included, and would like to do something to thank them. For the entire month of May, Mug Club will be donating 10%, and that's a lot, because he's doing, Mug Club's kicking ass right now, Donating 10%, and that's a lot, because he's doing, Mug Club's kicking ass right now. Donating 10% of all new subscriptions to military charities, along with that 10% donation to military charities.

Mug Club is also offering a $10 off, or New York says off, for all new subscribers throughout May. So not only will you be supporting our incredible service members and veterans, out May. So not only will you be supporting our incredible service members and veterans, but you'll be also get exclusive access to my show, The Great Stephen Crowder, Loud and With Crowder, Alex Jones Show, Mug Club Undercover, The Hodge Twins Uncensored, who are very funny, Mr. Guns and Gear, and the very funny Brian Callen Show at a big discount. If you'd like to support Military and the Mug Club Network, sign up today with promo code MILITARY. Go to mugclub.rumble.com and don't forget to enter promo code MILITARY. We thank you for your service, all of you. Hey, boys and girls, head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, T-shirts, hoodies, and more. It's yet another way for you to support the show and look sexy at the same time.

You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nicker shirts. Just go to NickDip.com and click on store. Again, that's NickDip.com. Click on store. Thank you guys so much. See you soon. Speaking of service, do a little sports here. The Detroit Lions pay Goff like he's a Hoff. Pretty good, huh? Hoff is in Hall of Famer. Are you, uh...

I just pulled another Biden. I just read the book. The Lions are keeping Jared Goff in Motown. The quarterback has agreed. The reason I did this is he's a good quarterback, folks. He's a good quarterback. One of the better ones in the league. But he's not fucking Kenny Stable, Joe Namath, Dan Marino, Terry Bradshaw, Brady, whoever. He's not in that. And now they're getting paid like that, these guys.

And good for them. I'm just saying. The poor guys that played in the 70s and 80s that are crippled, they can't even make it to the bathroom. Some of them are dead. They can't believe it. These linemen, offensive linemen get huge contracts now. The quarterback has agreed to a four-year contract extension. I use this article as an excuse to show his girlfriend.

A four-year contract extension worth up to $212 million. Yeah, but what? $170 million guaranteed. Would that put you in a good mood for the rest of your life? ESPN's Adam Schechter reported on Monday, Goff, 29 years old, was slated to be a free agent. So they wanted to, you know, if they didn't do it now, then you get even worse, I guess, after the 2024 season.

The Lions went 12-5. They're going to be dangerous, I think. The Lions went 12-5 and won the NFC North last season and reached the NFC Championship game. I already forgot about that. season and reach the NMC championship game. I already forgot about that. Where they lost with a respectable 34-31 to the 49ers. So they are, I am pulling for those guys. Also Cleveland Browns I'd like to see. Goff was acquired by the Lions from the Rams during the 2020 offseason, 2021 I mean, in the deal where Matthew Stafford headed out to LA and promptly won a Super Bowl. And Detroit also received two first-round picks and a third-rounder in return. The relationship between the Rams coach Sean McVay and Goff had fractured before the trade.

And Goff struggled in his first season with Detroit before turning things around. It says during things around. What the fuck wrote that? Goff completed 67.3% of his passes. That's pretty damn good. Throwing for 4,575 yards, 30 touchdowns and 12 picks. That is a nice ratio.

Give me the money. Give me the fucking money. You hear me? You hear me? I got to come here and bust my ball. Give me the fucking money. That was him asking for a raise. The quarterback has made three Pro Bowls during his eight-year NFL career.

Again, three Pro Bowls, not eight. Brady won, what, he made 12? Whatever. I'm just saying. You're getting paid like Jesus. In April, the team gave star wide out Amon Raw St. Brown. He was pretty great, too. $120 million over four years.

That's $30 million a year for a black dude. What's he going to spend it on? Rims and sneakers and hookers. I'm kidding. He seems like a nice kid. He's got Saint in his name. With $77 million guaranteed and also agreed to a new four-year deal

with Offensive Tackle. This is what's different. The fucking Offensive Tackle, 70s, 80s, even 90s. You're getting paid like there were mechanics at Sunoco. Penni Sewell, worth $112 million with $85 million guaranteed. His fiancee, I'm talking about Goff now, Kristen Harper, was a swimsuit model for SI. I'm just saying what was going on in my head.

That's my ham bean pounder. Virginia. Brown sugar. What are you fucking kidding me? And the sad thing is he's already tired of fucking her. You know that. Right, Nick. Just keep telling yourself that. You'll feel good.

You can't, you know, if you eat lobster every day, you get sick of lobster. No, I can't say I would. I fucking love lobster. Make me a sandwich. Make me a fucking sandwich. Make me a sandwich. All right. In our shut up and make me a sandwich,

Vice President Kamala... I suck cock. Harris used profanity during a speech Monday. That's better than her giving us the salad shit. At the annual Asian Pacific... Yeah, because Asians love that dirty talk, Asian Pacific American Institute for Congressional Studies Legislative Leadership Summit. You know what? That's all you need to know about government right there. That's all you need to know, a 12 fucking word title. And what's the rule? The longer the title, the less they do. I made that up, and I think I'm dead on.

But Kamala was a tad in... She was... Well, here, listen to yourself. Oh, music. This is part of what's involved, is that we have to know that sometimes people will open the door for you and leave it open. Sometimes they won't.

And then you need to kick that door down. Kick that fucking door down, she said. She's batshit crazy. That's the only thing I said that I like that she's ever said. Good. She cursed. My vagina's angry. Oh, apparently. It is. That's the only thing I said that I like that she's ever said. Good. She cursed. Female Speaker 1 in audience My vagina's angry.

Male Speaker 1 in audience Oh, apparently. Female Speaker 1 in audience It is. It's pissed off. Male Speaker 1 in audience We should have had, I was thinking about calling Esty, but I don't want to overuse Esty. She's coming back. I already sent her a, because, rave reviews on Esty Palty. And like I said, not just for the impression, very funny lady.

Anyways, she'll eat that up. Actor and comedian Jimmy. Can I just intervene as a comedian now? Last night I was going through TikTok and looking at comics I have never heard of. And the game's ruined. I'm so glad I am where I am.

Honestly, the game's ruined. Like anything else, am where I am honestly the game's ruined like anything else once you open it to the fucking masses there's people up there who've spoken to a microphone five times and they call themselves comedians some guy in a shitty small club has a a slightly you know humorous exchange and it gets 450,000 I don't understand it you know I don't get it and what happens is TikTok and I'm not trying to sound like I don't understand it. You know, I don't get it. And what happens is, TikTok, and I'm not trying to sound like an old man, but it's true. Even young comics, 20 years younger than me,

they hate what it's turned into. You know? Guys 25 years younger than me know it's a craft and you work on your shit and you hone it, whether you write it or do it every night. The Mark Normans of the world, the Sam Morales, Joe Liss. And then these fools get millions of hits,

so the comedy club goes, oh, there's a lot of eyes on this kid. And then people come out his age, and they think that's what good comedy is, instead of something you hone for a year. It's just, and I got to tell you, if you sat them down, the young kids, and watched somebody my age who's been doing it a while, and they would prefer what we do. I think, well, they're just lazy. Actor and comedian

Jimmy O, you all know him, seen here without his white lab coat. Oh, Jimmy O. Yang, he's an Irishman From Dublin, China Jimmy O. Yang Who was the moderator On stage Joked after Kamala said that We gotta make t-shirts With that saying There's the first

There's the instincts Of a good artist You wanna go right to the t-shirts Saying Kick that fucking door down Yeah Well that's what That's what Jinping's doing

To your fucking grandparents Right now Harris Who is of partial Yeah, well, that's what that's what Jinping's doing. You have fucking grandparents right now. Harris, who is a partial Indian heritage herself, Indian dot not, gave a spirited speech to the summit arguing that Asian Americans must strive to break barriers

in the pursuit of political representation. What barriers? Huh? What barriers? There you go. Took it right out of my mouth. Fucking strive. Strive to break barriers in the pursuit of political representation Huh, I there you go kick it right out of my mouth fucking strut They they have the highest income level in this country, by the way. So anyways, here's the thing about breaking barriers How would you know you'd fucking? Googler Harris said early in the speech breaking barriers does not mean you start on one side of the barrier you end up on the Other side there's breaking involved. And when you break things, she's fucking nuts. This is something Esty would write.

You get cut and you may bleed. And it's worth it every time. Look at my nipples. They're shredded. Harris continued, especially the young people here, I say to you, when you walk in those rooms, being the only one that looks like you. Here we go again. Wow. The only one with your background. You walk in those rooms, chin up, shoulders back, tits out in the air, pussy open. Be it a meeting room, a boardroom, a courtroom, a hearing room.

You walk in those rooms knowing that we are all in that room with you, applauding you, expecting certain things from you, including that you will not be silent in the, what is it, 1930, you dumb whore? Oh, my God. I don't shut up! Will you? Jesus. Anyways, for those of you guys on Mug Club right now, stick around for the second half of my show. Everyone else, go to nickdip.com.

Join to get my full show, the great Steven Crowder's full show, and a whole lot more. Hi. Good night, everybody. Good night, everybody. And make out I smile though I wear a frown And I'm not gonna take it all lying down Cause once I get started I go to town Cause I'm not like everybody else, no no I'm not like everybody else

I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else And I don't wanna live my life like everybody else And I don't wanna be destroyed like everybody else And I don't wanna get in trouble Everybody else Cause I'm not like everybody else What are you? I'm not like everybody else