The Nick DiPaolo Show - The Return Of Shane | Nick Di Paolo Show #1520

Episode Date: February 5, 2024

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about Haley on SNL, Shane Gillis back to SNL, Jake's BS and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 That's your world, I just live in it. Get that right, bitch. How are ya? Welcome to the show, folks. Monday. It's always Monday, isn't it? Always goddamn Monday, it feels that way. What was the weekend, folks. Monday. It's always Monday, isn't it? Always goddamn Monday. It feels that way. What was the weekend? Nothing eventful.

Diagnosed with AIDS, but who cares about that? We can wipe that out with cough medicine today. Just watching the country disintegrate. And it's so obvious. It's just all a plan. And it really is creepy, man. And nobody doing shit about it. I'm doing my little show. That'll change things.

Imagine if Putin stumbled over this and loved my show. He'd zoom in once a week. We're going to kill you in the Chinese. What the fuck else? Made a nice chicken sausage gumbo.

Dude. And we'll be doing that. That might be the next one. I'm not sure yet. For the, uh... For the, uh, you know what. Whatever. The next one, though, for the Bitchin' Kitchen

is the Super Bowl chili made with brisket. You're gonna want to top it off with ejaculation. So delicious. Come on, Nick. What kind of talk is that for the top of the show? It's really fucking good, though. Yes. Dallas knows. Guy's a southern boy. Texas, Alabama,

fucking Louisiana, fucking Vermont, Northern California, and England. What? Alrighty then. Do you believe I just pulled something doing that? Alrighty then. Ah. Do you believe I just pulled something doing that? Jesus H. Got in here twice this weekend. Fucking working

out. Tits are huge. Anyways, yeah, I don't know. My wife could have died. I can't think what happened over the weekend. Terrible. Alright, let's get on with it. Fuck this.

Dead from New York. It's Nikki Haley. It's Saturday Night Dead. Presidential hopeful, still. Are you still having that wet dream? Yeah. Only thing good about her is her stripper name. Are you still having that wet dream?

Only thing good about her is her stripper name. Nikki Haley made a surprise appearance on SNL Live's cold opening, delivering the iconic live from Nueva York line after ripping her GOP primary rival. Oh, is it still considered a rivalry? There she is holding a black dick between her titties. Good night, everybody. Primary rival, a former president, Donald Trump. Trump was played by a member, a cast member, James Austin Johnson.

Who the fuck are you? Are you writing a book? Exactly. Who the fuck are you? Does anybody, can anybody name three cast members? Once again, something else ruined out of wokeness. You know what I mean? Oh, my God.

There's like 11. When they do the introductions, there's like 11 people. Because, you know, everything has to be done by committee and has to have 19 different ethnicities in it. And just what's that do? It turns everything to shit that it touches. by committee and has to have 19 different ethnicities in it. And just what's that do? It turns everything to shit that it touches. I don't care if it's academia, this, that, the other thing.

Johnson's, oh, he got a video. He does a pretty good Trump. There's someone else later on we're going to show that there's a better Trump. But it's so, you know, it's funny, Baldwin, well, he, I mean, Baldwin's not an impressionist, but, like, his is the worst. After you look at all these guys that have mastered it now. But here's some guy we don't know doing Trump. My question is, why won't you debate Nikki Haley? Oh, my God, it's her. The woman who was in charge of security on January 6th.

It's Nancy Pelosi. For the 100th time, that is not Nancy Pelosi. Whoa, Trump's dumb in this sketch. It is Nikki Haley. You spent $50 million in your own legal fees. Do you need to borrow some money? Oh, Nikki, don't do this, Nikki. Nikki, Nikki, Davi.

Nikki, don't lose that number. Nikki Haley. Joel Osment. Nikki Haley, Joel Osment, we call her. Sixth Sense, remember that one? I see dead people. Yeah, that's what voters will say if they see you and Joe on the ballot. Oh, isn't it funny when they finally have the balls to take a shot at Joe Biden? It's almost, he's got two minutes left in his first four years. And he has to, you know, they have to do it with Trump. And they just, oh, can you imagine writing that and going, hey, here's something we haven't done in a nanosecond. Making fun of Trump. At this stage still, even though everything he did compared to Joe, I mean, as somebody said on TV,

this is the longest game of I told you so. Oh, my God. Johnson's Trump tried to fire back by telling the former South Carolina governor that the joke wasn't very nice. I'm always very nice to you, except when I've implied you weren't born in this country. I think, when did he do that? A year ago, whatever. I don't even remember him doing it.

Even though you're from South Carolina, and now I'm going to beat you in your state. And by the way, he's smoking her from the last I write in her own state. He said, matter of factly. And again, is this the New York Post, I think, right? Would you ever know? And did you win your home state in the last election? Haley retorted with a grin, subtly calling out the former president for losing to President Biden in New York during the 2020 race. And I'll tell you why that's so stupid. New York is a blue state. Nikki, South Carolina is a red state.

You're a Republican. Do you see the difference? Fuck. And you're the difference? Fuck. And you're the governor. Good joke, though, folks. That goes to show you it's propaganda. It doesn't have to be based on the truth. Haley quickly uploaded the entire cold opening segment to her ex-account.

I like Nikki Haley. I'm just going to say that. She's just doing what her handle is a talent. You know, but she's a fucking globalist. And, you know, I'd tell her if I ran into her at One Potato, too. That's just doing what her handles are telling her. You know, but she's a fucking globalist and, you know, I'd tell her if I ran into her at One Potato 2. That's the mall I go. Anyways, her ex account, following her parents before deleting it

and re-uploading it nearly an hour later. What the fuck was that about? She's a little whore and a little piece of trash. All right. Don't get nasty about it. So anyway, staying in the SNL realm,

the return of Shane, I call it. Shane Gillis is reportedly returning to studio 8H in two weeks. Do you know we did the first episode

of Tough Crowd in 8H with Lorne Michaels? We had a meeting with Lorne Michaels and shit. And we were on live TV. They trusted us.

And you know who fucking okayed it? Zucker. Jeff Zucker. Little fucking standing next to me. I should have knocked him senseless. Returning to Studio 8H in two weeks to host SNL after being fired from the show in 2019 before he

even, you know, got a chance. But he's returning to host and I say good for you. Good for you, kid. Don't take my shit off nobody. Gillis, 36, was initially hired by the iconic comedy show in 2019 but was fired shortly after

when a 2018 YouTube video of the comedian using a racial slur on Matt and Shane's secret podcast was brought to light. It was an Asian joke he was making

about Asian people. According to Decider, the since-deleted video of Gillis contained the Pennsylvania native mocking Chinese accents as well as saying various homophobic slurs. You know, just being a guy on a podcast. That's all. What's the matter with that? That's the sidekick, Shane Charlie. Or just being a comedian. Or being a comedian, a white one. You can't do that. After talking with Shane Gillis, this is SNL's statement.

We have decided that he will not be, this was back then, he will not be joining SNL. Said a spokesman for the show at the time. The language he used is offensive, hurtful, and unacceptable. We are sorry that we did not see these clips earlier. And that our vetting process was not up to our standard. You need to shut the fuck up. Since being fired, Gillis has seen a massive surge in his popularity. Another guy blowing past me.

Again, 30 years younger, but whatever. He'll thank me someday. With a tour around the U.S. and two comedy specials on YouTube and Netflix. Gillis' return has been met with mixed reaction, but I'll show you a clip of his latest special, I think. You want to see a dead-on Trump? And he's a funny car, not just to the impression. You know, he's a smart guy.

I want to say he's a history major or something. I'm happy for this kid, actually. I didn't know much about him as of late, and now he's back in the news. Abu, we could hear him crying, I said, Abu, don't cry. Let me tell you something, Abu cried, he cried quite a bit. I wouldn't have cried.

Cry baby, back daddy, that's what we were all calling him. Hey, he's so popular that he's hosting SNL. So he must have other shit in the world. First of all, that means he's got a huge following when he does live places. And like a lot of these guys that make a ton of money, I was born too fucking early. God, I'm Instagramming all that shit. Well, it's not until I shut the fuck up.

TikTok, that's what I like. I'm watching girls in bikinis pretending to teach you how to paint a house or cut a zucchini. Anyways, think about that if you're Asian, though. SNL is going, yeah, fuck the Asians. There's six of them. Everybody's dumping on the Asians.

It's a very interesting choice here, right? Harvard discriminates against Asians, and fucking now SNL is like, yeah, who gives a shit? This is kind of a good sign, here, right? Harvard discriminates against Asians and fucking now SNL's like, yeah, who gives a shit? This is kind of a good sign, though, right? It's a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel having a guy back on that said racist shit. He's hosting SNL. So there's

a shift going on, I gotta believe. A little bit, is there not? I'll be curious to see what his opening monologue in his cold open does. What do you mean? As far response or how people know just how what you just well not just that but what he covers oh what he covers i already know what he's covered chinese food if he had any balls to come out and do eight minutes of anti-chinese shit oh my god i don't care if it was dead silent. He would be my fucking hero. Anyways, I had a couple more points about that while I was

reading the article and I didn't write them down, but I think it's a good fucking sign. And again, I feel bad. The Asians, nobody gives a fuck. Just like the Italians, they do sketches about idiot Italian waiters. They have a sketch that's really funny about Italian restaurants. Anybody, but you know, women, gays. It's the same horse shit. Fuck you, sister. Not my, what? No.

Anyhow, all right. Hey, in the second half of the show, ladies and gentlemen, I'll be talking about, remember the nutty professor from New York with a machete? She opened her door at her apartment, put a machete to a New York Post reporter's neck.

Remember that hateful fucking Spanish bitch? I'll be talking about her getting canned. How the fuck? She still had a job? Well, she just got canned again. So how did she still have a job? And I'll be talking about some type of fungus that apparently is 60% deadly if you catch it. And I guess a few people have already died in Washington State. And, you know, just in time,

just in time to scare you people away and mail in your ballots. Same horse shit. And if it's not, this will be something else. But we'll get into detail about that. It's exclusively on Mug Club, so join now to get it at nickdip.com. Hey, boys and girls, head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, T-shirts, hoodies, and more. It's yet another way for you to support the show and look sexy at the same time. You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nick-a-shirts. Just go to nickdip.com and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com. Click on store.

Thank you guys so much. See you soon. Aight. Aight. Anyways, we move along. Uh, Jerk Off Jake. Who would that be? You know who.

Jake Sullivan. Uh, he's the uh national security advisor he was on the best network that's ever been for real news this is cnn the most trusted name in news can you stay cat you are fake news. National Security Advisor Jake Sullivan said Sunday on CNN that he's seen Hunter's penis and it's about that long and that fat. State of the Union, that's a show on CNN, that the United States will take additional action after early airstrikes targeting Iran-backed militant groups. But again, those are proxy groups. I love this is the administration. God damn it, you ass.

This is the administration that's always talking about root causes. We have to get to root cause, except for when it's really needed. Kamala's still looking about the root causes, why the whole world's coming here, you know, remember? Fucking Mama Luke. I don't think you're going to see again next time you see here you'll be at a drive-thru window at

arby's she'll be handing you a bag and even fucking that up and even fucking that up you'll go can i get more ketchup and she goes i like buses yellow you fucking big-titted horse shut up additional action after early airstrikes targeting ir-backed military groups. But he would not specify, because he's a fucking spokesman for the Biden administration, the least transparent of all time. He would not specify where ruling out Iran. I mean, if I read it right, it doesn't matter. But here's a video of, just listen to the question from Dana, not Dana, of course, it's CNN, it's Dana, yeah, fucking, I had a banana last night, you ass,

here's the question, and just listen to his, I love listening to politicians answer, and how they, they sound, they sound like me in college, when you have to do like an oral essay and you repeat the question, you do anything to buy time. Anyways, here he is, bullshitter. Were any Iranian Revolutionary Guard leaders killed during those strikes? Well, thank you for having me.

Well, thanks for having me, Dana. And as you said, the President of the United States in Iraq and Syria in response to the tragic death of three brave service members. Those strikes were carried out Friday night to good effect. And we are still assessing the battle damage. Our CENTCOM, Central Command, is looking at the capabilities we reduced and the casualties that were incurred. So I don't have anything to share with you today on precisely who was taken out in those strikes. Carol Channing's daughter and Barbara Streisand. What? Yeah, they were over there. Did he even come close to answering the question? Huh? Let's play another one, see if we can get it right. Beginning, and I just want to clarify, that means that there will be more strikes coming in the next few days? What it means is that we will take

further action. I'm not going to obviously describe the character of that action because I don't want to telegraph our punches, but there will be further action. Inside Iran, would you rule that out at this point? Caldwell, New Jersey. Look, sitting on a national TV program, I'm not going to rule in and rule out any activity. The one you come on. What I am going to say is that the president will do what he thinks needs to be done. And again, we enforce the fact that we're going to defend our forces and also that he is not looking to get into a war. Make sure you get that out. In case Iran forgot, we're pussies.

That's basically, oh, I got to get that in because Joe's in my earpiece. And don't forget, don't want to escalate that because, you know, we're really on their side and Hamas' side. What a fucking waste of time. Can you imagine being a host of one of these shows? You're like, then why'd you fucking come on? You don't have to give us specifics where and when, but tell us who was whacked. You know why nobody was whacked? Probably blew up a camel factory. That's right. They make bionic camels. Ah, my head shining like a, you know what? What a douche, huh?

That's why you miss Trump. Oh, he'd be doing what Shane Gillis just said. Remember he blew up, what was the guy's name? The head of Somali, Somalis? Yeah, that was it, Nick, Somali. He was bragging about it, though. Remember, Trump was like, we got him. And you know what? They quieted down over there. They quieted. You understand how good he was? Really? I know, again, I don't have to tell you guys. You vote like I do, but I'm saying. Imagine people going, oh, but his tweets are mean, and he's an asshole, and he's got a

big mouth. Oh, my fucking word. You just described a leader. Oh, that's right. He's white male Christian. Rich. Everything you can't be, so you hate him. Suck a dick and die, Frank.

Anyways, let's move on. You don't hear that on whatever show. Anyways, this is kind of interesting. I guess Fauci's still at work, the mad scientist in his lab. Not that we have evidence that he cooked this one up. There's a fungus among us. That's the headline. How am I not writing to the Post and getting, like, there's another stream of income. I could be doing the headlines with my eyes closed. A deadly fungal infection with a mortality rate as high as 60%-well, if it's in a third world country, it's probably dandruff-is spreading rapidly across the United States.

Is it? Because this is the first I'm hearing of it, with Washington state confirming its first case last month, named Candida auris. Whoa, Candida. You guys remember that song? Take my hand and I'll lead you. The promised life will be sweeter. Oh, look at that. It's Hellman's in a Petri dish. That looks like my ex-girlfriend's eye when I was in high school after I got a nice load off. What? Oh, will you fucking shut up? I'm just kidding. Look at that. Is that what it looks like? Some type of fucking topping on a hostess yodel. I know candida because like when you do, you know, poop samples and they go through the

thing and there's got something to do with candida. So let's find her and kill her. It's got something to do with Candida. So let's find her and kill her. Candida auris. Doctors have warned, or is it Candida auris, have warned the nightmare rare fungal infection is resistant to drugs. Really? Has it tried fentanyl?

Has a high fatality rate and spreads easily in medical facilities. Well, I don't hang out there. When you say medical facilities, are you talking about hospitals? What are you talking about? All right. Hey, for those of you on Mug Club, stick around for the rest of the second half of this show. Everyone else go to nickdip.com and join to get my full show, the great Steven Crowder's full show, the guy who's the powerhouse, and a whole lot more, and I mean a whole lot more. I'm talking about the Hodge twins. I said the Hodgkin twins. The Hodge twins and Alex Jones every Friday and their undercover team.

I don't even know what they call them, but they picked up where Project Veritas left off, and Brian Callen, too, also. It's really good. And while you're at nickdip.com, you'll see a date up there. It's very important to me. This is a big theater for me. May 11th, Count Basie Theater. There's a smaller one. I ain't playing that one. Count Basie Theater, Red Bank, New Jersey, on May 11th. And I would have, New Jersey, you've always been great to me. And anybody in the surrounding areas, I was pretty big in the Northeast

until I punched that cop from Connecticut. You know, what? No, I'm kidding. Did we talk about the, Dallas, Did we talk about the incident in the bar in Dallas on my show? No, you talked about it in progress. I did, yeah. Well, I'm clear. Anyways, May 11th,

Count Basie Theater, Red Bank, New Jersey. Please, folks. I would love to see you out there and bring a shitload of people. Thank you. I fake out, I smile, though I wear a frown And I'm not gonna take it all lying down Cause once I get started, I go to town Cause I'm not like everybody else, no, no I'm not like everybody else

I'm not like everybody else, well Everybody else Cause I'm not like everybody else I see you singing, what are you? I'm not like everybody else