The Nick DiPaolo Show - The Return of Tucker | Nick Di Paolo Show #1401

Episode Date: May 18, 2023

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about the Trump witch hunt, DeSantis getting more support and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://NickDiPaoloShow.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 Come on, goddammit! Come on, let's go, let's go! Let's go! Me. That's Dallas in his driveway. High strung crazy motherfucker. You're actually not wrong. Every time I try to back out, that's when everyone decides to drive by.

I know. They're all after you. Don't you know that, Dallas? What's with this clicking and clacking with this fucking... Anyways, how you guys doing? Let me say this to you, too. There you will learn about laws. Laws of freedom. Laws of humanity. Now you and I will truly be the same, counselor.

Thank you very much. How are you? Welcome to the show, folks. Great to be with you today. I have no idea what it is. Doesn't matter. It's the end times. Enjoy the eight minutes you have left.

And I ain't shitting. First, a shout out to Dallas' Braves who gave my Red Sox a real spanking last night. Dallas, I don't know how you don't know this, but I've never watched a sporting event in real time. I never actually made that clear to you. So I, you know, I watch American Idol

to see what kind of shenanigans and, you know, once again, there's a gay guy in there. There's a kid who's not openly gay. He's from, like, Oklahoma. He's confused with his sexuality. And you can just tell he's going to be a future murderer. And he's got a decent

voice, not compared to the rest, but he keeps going, you know, he's in the final five. Because you've got to have that demographic. I'm just saying. Picture Charlie Manson meets Neil Diamond. It's kind of like that. So anyways, I watched that, you know, with the wife, so I can say I spent quality time.

Anyhow, so then I go in my, I'm like, oh, I still got the Red Sox, and I got a couple of playoff hockey games. I checked my text. I was going to sit down and watch the Red Sox and the Braves, and I checked my text, and it's Dallas going, ah, our bats are alive tonight. Translation, fucking a real beat. I go, I guess I'm not going to watch that one. And, uh, I put it on anyways and fast forwarded to watch the, uh, but, uh, anyways. And, uh, so then listen to this Dallas. So I'm like, okay, I blew that out of the fucking water. Then I have two hockey games to watch and this is all on me. There's two thumbnails. I clicked on the wrong one. You gotta, you gotta watch them as they were recorded this one then this one I clicked on this one by accident and of course both games are on the same channel

So they show the last minute a half of this. I Know these are white problems. I know these are first-world problems and I know you guys out there cuz you're like me Alpha male sports fans. I know you fucking out there, because you're like me, alpha male sports fans, I know you fucking, I'm sure you record a lot of shit. Don't you get angry when that little crawl across the bottom tells you this? Come on. I know people tune in for that who are playing fantasy football. Are you faggots who never played real football? At this point, shouldn't there be an option to hide that? Well, you can. can no it look i wish you didn't bring that up just destroyed my point i used to i used to put literally duct tape across you know that's

good for a flat screen uh and then that i went wait a minute they have an adjustment in here so i go in there you know you can make the picture bigger and it pushes that that thing out of it but but um but during hockey games and hockey games it's not always there and all of a sudden it'll come in out of nowhere you know I mean anyways whatever um but I know you guys that has to bug you but they do that because people gamble they're in fantasy football they they'll that's ratings They're just checking the score. That's my other pet peeve. They'll put up a score of a baseball game, right?

They'll put up the score, and then they have to give you, ah, Joe Blow went three for six for ten minutes. Fucking relief pitcher got the win. Motherfucker. Just next score, please. I guess it's me and my coffee that and the blow. It's really good All right, let's uh move the fuck on First story trump hump. All right. That's what I call that broad. Awarded $5 million. A federal jury found Donald Trump, wow, in Manhattan, right?

Yeah, that was a fair jury. You fucking people. Honest to God. May you all get some type of bone marrow cancer. Ow. A federal jury found Donald Trump liable for sexually abusing and defaming E. Jane Carroll and ordered him to pay $5 million in damages after a civil trial in which the advice columnist,

that's who she was, I guess, alleged the former president raped her, a fucking liar, in a Manhattan department store nearly 30 years ago. I'm sorry. And again, nearly 30 years ago. Statute of limitations? Statute?

I didn't say statue. Statue of limitations. That's a statue of me trying to tie my shoe. Limitations. Big gut. Who the fuck is she? Jackie Onassis with the glasses? I don't believe her.

You're raping me. This is rape. No, Iing me. This is rape. No, I'm not. This is rape. No. It's a couple fingers. I don't even understand the story. He runs into her in a chance meeting, she said.

This is when he was young and good looking. And she was young and good looking. And he says, I'm trying to find a gift. I guess she was a columnist then right whatever I'm trying to find a gift by a woman and she says you know let me help you and then it ends up in the fitting room what is Donald trying on a negligee I don't get that part so I I guess he went in the fitting room and, you know, said, come in. You know what I mean?

Obviously, he's a billionaire. She's a young, hot chick working at the party. She didn't, she even said, I didn't have to go into the fitting. Yeah. Any accountability? Well, that doesn't give them the right, shut the fuck up. I'm sure they were kissing, and this shit happens, the Pope, for Christ's sake, does this shit, the Cub Scouts behind the rectory. That sounded filthy. I know.

Anyways, do you see what I'm saying? No accountability for, but here's where Trump loses me. He says he doesn't even know who this woman is. I don't know. Let me move on. The jury, following a two-week civil trial, fucking't find that Mr. Trump committed rape, but found it more likely than not that he sexually abused. So that's what sexual, they redefined it since then. So if you have a hot, passionate, you know, which happens in the world every day, and, you know, and two people, it takes two people to do that. Just remember that. I don't give a fuck

whatever the feminists say. Anyways, I'm trying to say. He's a little whore and a little piece of trash. Well said. Anyways, in the dressing room at Bergdorf in Goodman,

a couple of Jews. No, I don't know. Sometime around 1996, yeah 1896, jurors also found that Mr. Trump defamed Ms. Carroll in comments he made denying her allegations which she first made publicly in 2019. Didn't really bother her for a long time, did it? The jury made up of six men and three women, got the case earlier Tuesday and deliberated for less than three hours, so they really gave it a good thinking over.

The jury's decision had to be unanimous. In closing arguments, Carroll's attorney, Roberta Kaplan, seen here, a Diane Keaton call, wants her fucking wig back. With Diane, I always confuse her with the godfather.

Who's Michael's wife? Is that Diane Keaton? Come on, you're a movie director. He goes, I do military shit. Reminded the jury that for the battery charge all you need is that is that see it's different in civil court all you need is that it's more probable than not that Trump attacked Carroll to find him liable which is a much lower standard than the beyond a reasonable doubt standard which I think should apply to all of it how about that and I'm not just saying that now because

my best friend Trump raped somebody what cut he didn't stand it applied in a criminal trials of course it and Donald. Don't you care, Arthur? Don't you care? Hey, in the second half of the show, I'll be talking about Tucker Carlson unleashing on the media on Twitter. You're going to see a lot more of him on Twitter. You know, he put up a video of him ripping the media. And Zuckerberg, get this,

is taking up jujitsu, and he won a gold and a silver medal over the weekend. I think he choked out a girl in a wheelchair, and he roundhouse kicked a kid with a fucking bone marrow. Do you believe that shit? Hey, it's exclusively, by the way, on Mug Club. So join now to get it at nickdapaloshow.com. I'll continue with the story.

After the verdict Trump posted on Truth Social, he said, I have absolutely no idea who this woman is. I remember finger popping somebody at one potato too. But this verdict is a disgrace, Trump said, popping somebody at one potato too. This verdict is a disgrace, Trump said. A continuation of the greatest witch hunt of all time, and he said to the woman, you're entitled to shit.

Well said, Donnie. I don't I don't know when he says I don't even know this woman at all. That would be easy to prove, wouldn't it? I don't know. Anyhow. So somebody would be easy to prove wouldn't i don't know anyhow so somebody put this up online a picture trump in the heyday in the 90s you know still young good looking with trillions fucking anything that moves i think he even ruled out the moving part one time um but watch the one this looks like i photoshopped it. Is it in there? It's in there, right? And pan. Go ahead.

Let's examine this. First of all, apparently Jeffrey Epstein was run over by a train and cut in half. What's he, a magician? Is there a hole in that couch? Probably was if it's Epstein's couch. And then you got the woman putting her arm across Trump. That's, no NBA player has an arm that long. She could dunk behind her back, not even jumping. Look at that Photoshop.

It's hilarious. It's like Netumbo, whatever his name is, slapping away. But also, who's got their arm around epstein i think that's his arm you know i mean he's around himself no he's going like this that's his left arm it's supposed to be do you see what i'm saying oh no that does look a little odd because the actual arm is on the supposedly on the's leg, so he's got two left arms. I didn't even know that. The midget has an arm growing out of his neck.

Oh, my God. And then the girl on the right, have a fucking quarter pounder. Jesus. There's a lot of arms and hands in that one little section. There is. I want this painted in my bedroom. This is a fucking butcher job. And those girls, the legs are too skinny.

Anyways, look, that arm is killing me. Remind me an episode of the King of Queens when the black couple gave Doug and whatever her name was, his wife, an anniversary picture. It was a painting they had done based on a picture. And in the picture, Carrie, the wife's fucking forearm, and hand is like huge. Yeah, I did watch it.

I thought it was very funny. I know guys who wrote on it. Anyhow, that's enough of that. But let's stay on Trump for story two. A nice segue. Former Trump advisors say DeSantis, da man, a former advisor to Donald Trump's 2016 and 2020 presidential campaigns,

backed Florida Governor Ron DeSantis on Tuesday, saying the 44-year-old represents the best possible option to win the presidency in 2024 and to govern as a highly capable, patriotic, populist leader. You are correct, sir. And I kind of agree with that. And you know I love Trump to death. And I know all this baggage is unfair and it is a witch hunt for the most part but you know

people don't want that even if it's fake like why you know we can get pretty much the same thing with DeSantis who is a military guy super bright lawyer in the military and not get all that baggage but get that populace

you know what I mean I gotta believe that's how people are going to think. But I always, I always, you know, there's always a caveat. That's if the fucking elections aren't fixed, then all that goes out the toilet. I have worked, this is Cortez that worked. And I remember he was kind of a heavy hitter for Trump. I have worked as a dedicated spokesman and advocate for Donald Trump for much of the last seven years so I do not arrive at the conclusion flippantly. My father always used to say that to me. Don't be flippant. Then he'd crack me in the good right hand. Always this way. I'd be sitting here at the table. He'd do this like

he's reaching for a roll. I don't know if that was a Marine move. Anyway, Steve Cortez wrote that in a Newsweek op-ed, announcing his endorsement, and we have footage of the very presidential-like, I don't even know if he's officially, he hasn't, right? But here is, you know who desantis uh laying laying it out the world lost its mind when common sense suddenly became an uncommon virtue florida was a citadel of freedom for our fellow americans our rights are not granted by the courtesy of the state but are endowed by the hand of the almighty we will never surrender to the woke mob. Florida is where woke goes to die. That's a key line right there.

Trump's going, I am the Almighty. He's watching the commercial. I am the Almighty. This is my hand. It's Almighty. I do a lot of this. And a lot of this. These cocksuckers.

Anyways, very presidential, and I've got to be honest, look at Florida. You know what I mean? Facts speak for themselves. Half the world is moving there. Half the world's moving here. We'll get to that. Maybe, I don't know.

I can't remember what stories in them. Cortez, now an advisor to the pro DeSantis super PAC never back down, said voters should opt out of the Biden Trump rematch next year. The country is miserable. Who could disagree with that? Cortez said that's not some biased or uninformed right wing opinion, but the harsh reality revealed by data and evidence. He cited two polls and a lot more that I didn't cite because I wanted to keep this under a thousand words. He cited two polls, one from NBC News and the Associated Press, two left-wing outlets, by the way, that revealed 70 percent of Americans do not want either the

80-year-old President Biden or the 76-year-old Trump to run again. And I got to believe that's true. Bye-bye. I personally don't give a shit. I want the guy to get the job done. But I like, again, it's so, don't you think the stars are lining up with DeSantis? Seems that way. You know, he's not farting desk yet. He still has got his marbles. Not only did Ron DeSantis win a smashing runaway victory in the race for governor by nearly 20 points, but he also lifted Republicans in the entire state of California, ushering in a full GOP sweep of statewide offices for the first time since the Reconstruction era. 1987.

Out of the way. Remember they redid Miami Beach after that black spring break? All right, back to the show. DeSantis' soaring 2022 success was fueled by persuading women Hispanics, suburban voters, and independents, said Cortez, noting DeSantis' support among independents, and this is key, among independents dwarfs that of Biden or Trump. He was the best guy around. The guy makes a sound argument, I gotta say. The former president was also found liable for, I should say liable, for sexual abuse and defamation against writer E. Jean Carroll, who must pay approximately $5 million in damages, which is an hour's work.

Anyways, it is a witch hunt. But I don't like that statement. I have no idea who she is. Hey, for those of you on Mug Club, stick around for the second half of the show. Everyone else go to NickDdipaloshow.com and join to get the whole full show of mine and Steven Crowder's and a whole lot more. And when you're at nickdip.com,

click on the tour button, shall you? May 19th and 20th, Hyena's Comedy Club. I keep forgetting about that one because we dropped that one in the last second. Dallas, Texas. That'll be another $12. July 14th and 15th. Arlington Cinema and Drafthouse

in Arlington, Virginia. You should go to that one because they have seats that come out of an old Lincoln. Very cool. guitar solo Outro Music