The Nick DiPaolo Show - The Strafe Of Hormuz | The Nick Di Paolo Show #1921

Episode Date: July 15, 2026

In today's episode Nick talks about Trump Talks FAFO, Canadian Twat Finds Out, Chuck's Fartgate, Smart FL Kid Shapes Education, Wet Stripper Practice and Taco Hell! The FULL SHOW is live streaming & FREE-ONLY on Rumble! Join our LIVE CHAT at 6pm ET every Mon-Thu or watch the FULL EPISODE anytime on demand after 7pm ET. Follow my Channel and get notified! https://rumble.com/c/TheNickDiPaoloShow GET TOUR DATES & TICKETS - https://www.nickdip.com/tour NOVEMBER 5TH - The Punchline: ATLANTA, GA NOVEMBER 6TH - Rivers Casino: PHILADELPHIA, PA NOVEMBER 7TH - Soul Joel's: POTTSTOWN, PA MERCH - Grab some mugs, hats, hoodies, shirts, stickers etc… https://shop.nickdip.com/ PERSONAL VIDEO FROM ME – Send someone a personal video from me! Go to https://shoutout.us/nickdipaolo  or www.cameo.com/nickdipaolo SOCIALS/COMEDY- Follow me on Socials or Stream some of my Comedy!  https://nickdipaolo.komi.io/

Your sales order says one thing. Your inventory says another. Your spreadsheet says good luck. O-Doo brings your business together on a single platform. From sales and accounting to inventory and marketing, visit O-D-com to book a demo. It's O-D-O-O-O-O-com. Hello. Welcome to the live lineup on a Wednesday where it's free shows all day.

And if you want to watch these shows, add-free, join Rumble Premium. Don't forget to follow my channel and download the Rumble app. and today I'll be talking about some type of shit going on. That's the show. Trump talks FAPO. You guys know what that means. I think my dad invented that. Canadian twat finds out what happens when you slap a Trump supporter.

We got, excuse me, a shot heard around the world called Fartgate that happened in D.C. apparently didn't involve a silencer. And then we get an Indian kid who literally is rewriting education in Florida. He's so smart. They're like, this kid's fucking up how we grave people. Imagine that? I had the opposite problem.

I was fucking up for a different reason. Also, one of the funniest goddamn clips will ever show you. I won't tell you what it was, but it involves a lady and a stripper pole. And it's not my mom. No, she quit that about two weeks ago. sprained their clavicle doing a fucking headstand and one of her saggy tits smacked herself.

What? Cut! Anyways, all-star game last night, P-U. Be fucking you. I'll make a prediction that the home run derby will out, probably, I don't even, might be true now.

It might be getting better ratings than the game itself. Because it's much more entertaining. And, yeah, it was a 4-0 shutout. And, um, American League has some sick pitching, that's all. fucking how about the guy Milwaukee's got a receiver the kid a receiver a closer

he looks like he's 22 years old maybe he wrote robilinski I don't even know but he throws 104 on he leads the league with 670 pitches of over 101 miles an hour or something you guys out there you must have you watched this show so you

know you weren't theater nerds have you played baseball you ever see I face a guy threw mid-90s at the most. Actually, made it to AAA with the Cardinals. I always brag about this because I owned him. Why did I own him? Because he had the best control of it. I wasn't worrying about getting

hit by a pitch. He was always around the plate. Chuckie McGrath. I got four hits off him in one game. And believe me, I wasn't a great hitter. I just was so relaxed with him that I knew I wasn't going to get fucking I mean, but I'm saying you have one, one,

it seems like one one hundredth of a section a second to make up your mind, that are swinging on. Just to get, and they always put the, they put the camera behind the, ump sometimes, and that makes a look at easier than it is.

You can actually follow the ball. You can't when you're at the plate. It's literally, what, a one-eighth of us, you have a, and then you add guys can throw breaking balls that break late now, or a big sweeper.

They can, they can take speed off it. Do you know, and you don't know what's coming? That's why it's the hardest thing in sports to do, and it still is, hitting a round ball the fucking round bat.

That's why I used a flat bat. I used a canoe paddle. I tried to sneak that into a game and nobody was... I still struck out three times. Yeah. So I'm just... I can't believe these guys even... My dad used to say this.

When we'd watch somebody throw on 95s, he goes, I can't believe they get their bat on the ball at all. It's that fucking hard. It is that fucking hard. It's amazing. Then you get guys like Ted Williams. Wade Boggs. You guys have 3.30, 340 lifetime. Are you kidding?

Tony Gwyn. Kathy Griffin. What? Yeah, so that was boring for nothing American League shot. Just boring. Is it normal to eat a whole box of popsicles in a sitting? That's the organic guy over there. Because no.

These are organic, though. There's no pesticides on. You notice how they do that, too? I've been complaining about this. I can, yes or no, I'm going to ask my fans watching tonight. Should I do a chapter on things that make me irrationally angry? and you're going to go, well, isn't that the whole book?

No. I actually toned it down and taught myself to simmer it writing about my Uncle Bob right now. I actually call my Aunt Carol, who is my mother's sister, isn't my late Uncle Bob's sister? I see, you got any stories, you know,

that I can put in the heat. She goes, yeah, but I can't, you can't make them public. It's a bit of the loose canon, Uncle Bob. You grew up without a dad and a brother and shit, and they got killed in the car, accident when he was 16 and the guilt

ate him alive. You know what I mean? And he turned to booze and cigarettes and whatever the fuck and you know, he was a bit of a bit of a handful as I say. I think I told you one of the stories. It opens with him pushing me off a snowbank. Me and my brother throwing snowballs of cars

like on a fucking Wednesday night at 10 at night and all of a car pulls up. My uncle staggers out runs up and pushes me off the fucking not even a hello. I'm in Middie. I go, what did I do? you're going to like the book but my aunt goes well he he was staying right here

in Middleton that's where my aunt lives and he would he would go to the they have a veterans place where you can sleep over at night like a veteran's nursing home whatever but he became like the pimp because he was in good shape

and right up till he died he got hit by a car that sort of took the wind out of him he was riding his bike around at 90 riding his bike around and you'd think he was 70s like my mom anyways the women I said the young one women in there like 80s

thought he was like a stud and he got in trouble with one of them I go to my aunt well what happened he goes I can't tell you what the fuck did he do I said I'm going to get a hold to your son he's my cousin Eric he's going to tell him

they had to him my cousin Eric God bless him who lived with my uncle Bob my aunt Carol took him my uncle was a scuba diver avid scuba diver right up till I told he was in his late 70s we try to make him quit

because he almost got hit by a boat once. God bless, my cousin Eric took him for his 80th birthday to the Cayman Islands so he could fucking scuba dive in actual water where he can see shit. You know, his whole life is diving into the Black Atlantic. So my cousin took him to the Cayman's, but he had such a belly on him by then that he couldn't submerge, I guess. I thought it would be the other way around. I thought if you're fucking fat, it makes you. But it acts as a flotation device, I guess.

He was so pissed he couldn't get under it. to the little bit of a wild child and he had every reason to me but actually a light everybody who met him fucking love them you know just I love one of a kind people who they go he's a little it's a little what it's a fucking human being

that makes him him and you you you anyways I think you'll enjoy it when I finish it I'll finish it in a nursing home I'm sure but whatever yeah I ate like I don't know 19 pupsicles

I eat like six in front of Andy pretending I have some moderation. Then she goes to bed and I bring the box in the living. You should have seen my poop today. It was like a fucking rainbow. It's like a Skittles commercial. I didn't poop today. I don't want to be too gross.

Anybody check out my girl, Stacey, R.P.G. Nobody back out there. Does those music reviews, 30-year-old girl who takes my breath away? Nobody's more pretty than my wife. Let me get that straight. Right, honey? She doesn't watch.

She knows better. Can't take my fucking eyes. And it's funny because she's playing like, they're playing Elton John. She's like, I'm not familiar with, what? But then she'll be familiar with like fucking ELO. And I'm like, how do you, what the fuck? Skin like a doll, fucking full lips,

fucking smiles, I start crying. Why? Because my prick got caught in the zipper of the couch, the cushion I was fucking. All right, that's all I got, folks. Not much. Everything. Did I cook?

I can't remember. Dallas, you ever buy Cuban bread? Like sometimes at Publix? That's so good I want to sit on a bear ass. That's gross. Let's get to it. I'm out of shit. Trump talks Fafo.

Or Fafo. I'll fucking find out and you'll fucking fuck it. Trump warns Iran that power plants and bridges. Can I ask you a question? How many bridges and power plants are they have over there? We've been carpet bombing these fuckers for about two years now. and they still have power plants? Seriously, it almost sounds fake to me.

I want to call the Jew Netanyahu and get the scoop. Yeah, he says we're going to whack the plants and bridges the next unless Tehran negotiates as U.S. strikes near the Strait of Hormuz continue nightly. The last three nights we are carpet bombing and not just, you know. President Trump threatened Tuesday to expand military strikes and continue to hit Iran very hard. the likes of probably the best bombing ever, until it returns to the negotiating table,

lamenting that every time a deal is made, Tehran breaks its promise. And me and Dallas agree on this point. We all knew, and I'm hearing so-called experts say it like on the news. Well, we really knew right at the beginning, even with the memo of understanding that you can't negotiate with fucking maniacs,

you know, who cut a woman's tit off for looking at a guy. You're really, you're going to hold them to their word. Do you understand they literally, they literally wipe their asses with their bare hands sometimes. They're stuck in biblical. They're fucking people in 20 BC are going, look at these fucking rubes. So how do you negotiate with them?

I'll give them this much, though. They're persistent motherfuckers, and they talk a good game. They said that they can assassinate Trump in the White House. Yeah, go ahead. Give it a shot. Trump said we're going to hit him very hard tonight. Said that about my wife a month ago, still hasn't happened. Come on, ladies.

Why is it always a wife? I don't know. She's the best. I'm the worst. You get court papers to prove it. We're going to hit them very hard, and he said that in an interview with Kevin Costner. What? Shut up.

We're going to hit them hard tomorrow night. We're going to hit them really hard the night after. He talks like a fucking defensive coordinator. U.S. CENT Command, CENTCOM, has conducted consecutive strikes near the Strait of Ormouz over the past several days, and Trump said the operations will continue

until he determines it is enough. It sounds like my father. He used to punish me. When can I come out of my bedroom? When I say it's enough? Cut to me being homeschooled all the way to high school? Because I tore some curtains up out of a... The fight broke out.

Yeah, I won't even tell you, but... I threw it. a lamp before my mother could. Before I forget, Victor, which is his name, David, Victor Davis Hanson, VDH, Victor Hanson Davis. You know what I'm talking about.

He wrote a piece about how the world has changed since Trump got in office. You want to read something brilliant about how Latin America is siding up with us now for the first time. I'm talking global, positive things. And this guy's brilliant.

So Brian, I can't remember his name. Rick the Davis' hands. Read it, folks. My buddy Evan Grant sent it to me. And this guy's just, he was sick for a while. He wasn't in the news. But he put this thing out,

and some people, I don't know how they look at the big picture and can sum up why this happened, what Trump did to make this happen, why this is the best for us, why this is the worst. And shut that ceiling fan.

And just read it, please. It's the last one that he put out there. And you're going to go, you know what Trump is no more debate I don't know who's had an effect like this on global politics fucking it's changed Russia's behavior apparently they're

they're hemorrhaging their economy sucks even China has changed the way they do business sounds because of Trump it's fascinating only shit that he could find what was I talking about before we were about to go to huh? About what? What we talk? Oh the Trump video?

Yeah. Interviewing him. Oh, yeah, he's going to smack him. Go ahead. Our objectives are to ensure that Iran never has a nuclear weapon to keep the straight open and to degrade the Iranian military. Can those objectives be completed in an air campaign alone? Or does this require a ground component?

Well, I think they're completed now, honestly. If we left right now, it would take them 20 years to rebuild what they have. The only way you can negotiate with these people is through strength, and the only strength is military strength. And that's what we've done. And I mean, literally, two days ago, we had a deal. And then they broke it at the last moment. They broke it.

Will these strikes continue? They'll continue until I say it's enough. It's like my dad. Dad, when will this punishment be over? Anyways, I forget how I brought us into this. We have a clip of how the world's and the Middle East is reacting. Durka Allah Muhammad Jihad. Baka Allah, Muhammad Jihad.

Bac Dirkah Dirkah, Muhammad Jihad. Bac, Dirk, Dirk, Duk, Dukhala. Dirkah, Muhama Jihad. Haka, Sherpa, Shurpa, Abakala. Oh, Dirka, Dirka, Durka. I said it the first time I saw it, how that didn't win an Oscars beyond me. With the animation and how goddamn funny it was.

and there was two versions, by the way. I got to tell you this. The first one I saw must have been the edited version. I'll never forget this. I watched it. A couple weeks later, my parents over, and it comes on, not the channel I watched it on originally. It came on HBO, whatever.

So they're watching it, and there's a scene where that bed, Sherper, Sherper Durka is in bed with a woman. All of a sudden, she's like pissing on him and shit, which wasn't in the one I saw. My fucking parents are going, what the fuck? It was the funniest. I go, what?

My father's laugh and my mother's going. I'm like, I'm telling you, Ma, it had, I had no idea. And then I said, don't tell me you didn't do that on your honeymoon. You know what I'm talking about? Dallas ever see that? She's like pissing on them and doing all this fucking shit. You must have seen the made-for TV version. Yeah, I guess so.

But, you know, it was a funny moment. I thought. Hey guys, November 5th, I'll beat the punchline, Atlanta, Georgia. Again, that's if I remember how to do this shit. November 6th, the River Casino in Philly. I'm doing these out of guilt, I think. November 7th. Actually, like I said, when you add it up, it's a full year, because November was the last time I think I did a gig. So it will be a full year off from stand-up, but I almost died, so that doesn't come. November 7, sold joles. Go to Nick Dip.com to get your tickets before they're sold out. while you're there, go to the merchandise page. You get all that stuff.

We get hats and hoodies, like I said. Coffee mugs, tampons, tampon dispensers, I'm sorry. I jumped on Walsh's idea. How about him? How about Walsh's administration? A guy was raping a 10-year-old girl. Started when she was 10 for years. They caught and they pardoned him.

I don't understand how just that story, alone how if we were in a normal world, even people who voted Democrat go, fuck this. But they don't. They back that. Because when you vote for that, you're voting for that. It's as easy as that. That's why I'm angry all the time. So don't fucking talk.

I got this. You know, I got this. Right after Biden got elected. And I know Democrats think it's funny for people when they're patriotic. This would let them know how I voted. That's why I got it. Ask my fucking wife. That's why I got this.

I didn't want anybody fucking talking politics around me that didn't agree with me. Just to be like them. I want to see what it felt like. Anyways, Nick Dip.com, get all kinds of shit. I don't know. I forgot to check in with Crowder again.

Anyways, if you want to send a personalized video, I think they're up and running again. Go to shutout. US. And it's very similar to cameo. You can tell me, you know,

talk to my son. Make it funny, tell them, you know, I bust my wife's balls or whatever. And I'll make a personalized video and shoutout.us. There's a better way to buy blinds, shades, shutters, and drapery, and it's called Three Day Blinds. Three Day Blinds is the leading manufacturer of custom blinds, shades, shutters, and drapery. And we've been doing this for over 45 years, so we really know our stuff. Here's what makes us different.

A professional design consulting comes right to your home with tons of samples. helps you pick the right style, takes precise measurements, and even handles the installation. No guesswork, no DIY disasters. Whether you want more privacy, better light control, or to upgrade your home with motorized or smart blinds, three-day blinds has thousands of options to fit any style or budget. So for a free, no-charge, no-obligation consultation, head to three-dayblinds.com slash podcast for our Buy One Get-1-50% off deal. That's the number three, D-A-Y-Blines.com slash podcast. Growing businesses deal with the same problem.

Too many tools, too much back and forth, and not enough time. O-DU helps bring it all together. It's an all-in-one business management platform, fully integrated from sales and accounting to inventory and marketing, so your team can spend less time chasing information and focus on growth. Whether you're in retail, manufacturing, or service, O-Doo gives you one place to manage your business. Visit O-D-O-D-com to book a demo.

It's O-D-O-O-O-D-O-com. Let's move on to Canadian Twat gets her comeuppance. I love that word. I had to look it up. A woman who struck a teenage girl in the face, and again, it's going to back up the point I just made about people who vote this way. With an open hand, why do you even tell us that? If it was the other way around it, you know, you wouldn't.

Patriotic colored sweatpants. So a young girl is wearing sweatpants, patriotic colors on them, that had the words Trump and ICE written on them before the July 4th weekend. She's walked along with her friends Point Pleasant, New Jersey, where Uncle Vinny's Comedy Club is.

Been there many times. This woman from Canada smacks her in the face because that's what lefties do. And do you know why they do that? Because they know they can't argue. It all happens like this. They don't even realize why they lash out. That's just a knee-jerk reaction because you know you lost the argument as far as ideas,

having talking it out verbally. You know, academically, you don't have a chance. So what do you do? Just like failed politics results in what? War. Physical violence. The same thing. Caitlin Tracy, a 33-year-old twat.

Here she is. I wouldn't fuck her with that raccoon's dick I saw in the pocketline. Who does she look like? bass player from somebody in the 80s. Let me tell you, sweetheart. 3,3-0 Canadian living in Allenhurst. Didn't I?

And I'm living. Oh, it's Alan Tom. I'm changing it. Was charged with simple assault endangering the welfare of a child, because it was a young girl. Harassment and obstruction. How about charging her with unfuckability?

Impersonating a twat zone. according to court records Tracy was on the Point Pleasant Beach taking a shit next to a pigeon on July 3rd when the teenage victim whose name was not released was walking on the boardwalk with three of her friends. There was a comedian following them, Italian-looking. Tracy began repeatedly yelling at the teenagers

over patriotic colored sweatpants which had the words Trump and Ice written on them that the two of the teenagers were wearing according to the affidavit of probable cause. Her husband online was plating for help to get her freed. Let me just fill him on him. He's from Asbury Park. You know who grew up in Asbury Park?

Springsteen. And let me tell you, you know, Springsteen's politics, it's still the same. They're stuck in a time walk down. A lot of Jersey has changed. It's Trump, you know. But that area is stuck in whatever, probably because Springsteen's from there, who's turned into a disappointment in life. Him in fucking De Niro, what a disappointment.

Uh, uh, uh, anyways, yeah, that's, that's where the husband and lives, and that's where, is it his girlfriend? A wife. Doesn't matter. I hate them both. Anyways, here's the husband giving you the typical, I would say, lefty ground man

you know instead of I'll figure it out I'll do what I gotta do he pleads online like a fucking 14 year old girl wanting to know if somebody got a nice purse fucking faggot

anyways go ahead I need help I don't know what to do my wife is being detained by ICE she's in Ocean County jail right now and I can't get a hold of her she keeps trying to call me

but they won't let me put money on her card the kiosk in the Tom's River like jail is broken and all the numbers and stuff they gave me wasn't right or wouldn't allow me

to put money on her card and ICE is coming there to pick her up I need an immigration lawyer I need help I don't know what to do I don't have any money I'm so fucking broke

pause but I're a hip because you're a fucking hippie you don't look it but that's why you broke you're a grown ass man and you're relying on the government to come save you, I'm guessing. If you're broke, you're probably sucking off the teeth of the people down there.

But go ahead. I got to figure something out. I got to save her. I love, I need help. I need you to figure out. I don't know. I don't know. This just happened.

I need help. I need my wife. I don't want her to get hurt. I don't want to see her. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. You can act like a man! What's the matter with you?

Is this how you turned out of Hollywood Pinocchio or the cries like a woman? What can I do? Marlon Brando. You know that wasn't in the script. Took and ran with it. How can I do it? Then you could Tom Hagan laughing. Oh my God.

to this day that's just so good isn't that funny didn't the guy sound just like I'm watching it going where have I heard this before oh my God figure it out dude first of all get rid of her but you hear him going

I don't want her to get hurt did you hear that that's what lefty do is they play the victim game and they he's trying to imply that you know they're going to beat her up and you know because ice kills people she might get hurt shut the fuck up I if I'm the teenage's dad I'll find this fucking

you don't have to don't listen to me I'm not a lawyer I play one on TV wait a minute did I no I was a juror I was sinking to the anybody watched the Amy Amy Schumer show we did a takeoff on 12 angry men

it's the best thing I've ever done I still hate her guts I liked her then but then she wouldn't put my special I don't care about said this a thousand times on a show she wouldn't promote my last special That's why I stopped doing them, by the way. I wanted to put it on her page. She's supposed to be a friend of mine, even though, you know, politically we hate each other.

But she was a nice enough to write. I wasn't going to do it. I was going to go on vacation to St. Bart's my wife. And she goes, I wrote this around your anger, which I thought she was full of shit. Then I read this script. They go, holy shit, I'm in this a lot. And, yeah, a year or two later, I'm like, can you promote my spend? No, I can't.

I'm sorry. Good. I'm glad your grandmother melted it in an oven. What? I don't know. I was hoping. I did some blow. It's better than coffee. Another question of you people out there watching.

Five-hour energy, is that any good? Dallas, you ever try? Huh? Yeah, if you want heart palpitations. Oh, it's that type of shit. I took a sip. I told me that was a crowded show. They have a refrigerator in the back.

The people haven't opened in 10 years. You open it stock with all kinds of shit. And there was this coal brew, whatever. It's coffee in a can. Like, I took a mouthful. Five minutes later, I was having heart palpitations. I didn't tell anybody. I was fucking, the show was over.

I snuck back in the studio. They have a couch in the corner, and I went and laid down on it thinking, they might find me in here. I couldn't believe it. My chest was coming, my heart was coming to my, I had just taken two cops, not even fucking eight minutes ago.

And I'm going, You're going to tell me somebody can drink a can of this shit? That's why I've never, I don't think I've ever, I might have taken a mouth full of red bull and shit. But you've tried the five-hour energy? It's that brutal, huh? That's why Coke is a safer bit. But I could use that.

I'd like to get off the coffee because it dehydrate you, you know? Drink water. Yeah, but then you get to drink more and then I piss it out. And then I got, you know, my prostate's the size of a fucking two-car garage. at this point. I'm up fucking four on the morning, counting the sailing tiles. Wait for you guys at my age. It's great. I can't even

jerk off anymore. As Robert Klein says, my hand's not even interested. I want to jerk off, your hand goes, huh? Let's move on to here's your humorous story of the day, folks. Perfect for our show, because I'll give you hard news, but I'll give you plenty of this shit, too.

Chuck unloads in the chamber. Get it? He had one in the chamber? Senate Minority Leader Chuck the Jew Schumer from New York appeared to break wind on the floor of the chamber this week. Break wind. Who came up with that? There's so many better things. You can't break wind up tribe many times. Not the way, you know.

He broke wind on the floor of the chamber this week. Even suppressing a light chuckle after the now viral delivery. It's true. You got to look at it. It's very subtle. but you can see the corner of his mouth go up just a little. He dropped a bomb. Dropped a bomb on me. The 75-year-old Jew, I just say that because Jews is one of those words that can sound derogatory, but it's not the way I'm using it, was criticizing President Trump and the war in Iran.

Is that all you do, Mr. Schumer? And how much power does this guy have that he's been in this position for a thousand years? I think he's the devil too. He looks like that forever. He's like Dick Clark. He never aged. It was creepy. Iran, when he seemed to have a lost a war of his own

that was brewing in his trousers, wrote some unfunny hoo-up. Letting loose an audible fart that went out live on C-SPAN airwaves on Tuesday. This is the devil farting in the chamber. On in the NDAA. The American people need to. to know, of course, how and why this chaos is spreading through their streets, and we need a complete investigation that's independent. Now on Iran and the NDAA.

Again, we're going to do it again. Oh, sorry I talked over. On in the NDAA. Very basie. Very basie. Yeah, a good sub-whifor pick it up. A what? A good one.

A good simple for a pick-it-up. A what would pick it up? Subwoofer. Oh, subwoofer. I thought you said sub. I'm like, yeah, so now. I don't know any time. A good subwoofer would pick it up.

That's right. The subwoofer is the base. The clip was shared widely online, including, of course, of course, research, R&C Research, Republican National Committee on their official account. This is where we are, folks. People go, can you imagine George Washington and those guys? They did the same shit. They were shit-faced when they did the Constitution.

You don't think they were farting and going, oh, come on, Ben. And in non-air-conditioned building in the summer. Exactly. Can you open that window? No, it's painted shut. And conservative commentator Mark Kaye, who suggested the episode made a strong case for imposing term limits. Schumer's Tootgate brought to mind a similar televised gaseous emission. Before I say this up, Schumer did that.

on C-SPAN. So lucky, probably nobody heard it, which begs a question, if somebody farts on C-SPAN and nobody's watching it, does it still make a noise? Ah, put that in there. That's a keeper. I met by disgrace, former rep.

Remember this one? This is a pass farting incident. California rep, ex-rep, accused serial sex pest. Oh, he's a pest. Anybody else does it there, rapist. He's a pest. Eric Swalwell.

Boy, you know what? I think it's, out of all the politics and shit, this was the most satisfying one for me to watch somebody's career implode was this piece of fucking human garbage. I was always fantasizing to run into him somewhere. You know? Even I'm fucking probably 25 years younger.

I'd still fucking dry gulchum, as they'd say. Accused serial sex pest Eric Swallow, who unleashed an air biscuit. Okay, I'd love that. Who came up with that? And why didn't I? A fucking air biscuit. I know it's been around, but it's still, it's going to be my new go-to. Fucking Air Biscuit.

People used to go, who cut the beef? That's another one. You're like, yes, beef, I can relate to. Who unleashed an air biscuit for the ages. It's like a Henry Aaron home run in the 70s. On MSNBC's hardball with Chris the douchbag matches. Back, and this is seven years ago, 2019. This was the first shot fired in the political wars.

taxpayer dollars to ask the Ukrainians to help him cheat in election. And the complaint that... Taxpayer dollars to ask the Ukrainians to help him cheat an election. And the complaint... You know, it's funny. I'd watch that when it happened, and I never realized that he literally pauses and does one of these. And then has the nerve...

Well, he lies about date rape, so why would he lie about a fart? I never really picked up on him. Do that again. This is just... Taxpayer dollars to ask the Ukrainians to help him cheat. an election and the complaint that I Now I almost like them it wasn't an accident

oh my God you people who do you think you are but the third but the 39 year old Democrat who's been in Congress since 2013 excuse to me and sit used to sit on the House Judiciary Committee was quick to deny the apparent

you know thunder boom it was not me he said with 19 exclamation points just a just a fucking a pathological fucking liar. He texted on BuzzFeed, Newsreporter. Ha! And I didn't hear it

when I was speaking. What does that mean? Dude, you might as well have done this. I never noticed. He gave it a little push. He paused, and his voice went like that. Did he? Did he? That's right.

Said he had the focus. That's right. And the teleprompter it probably said, fart here. Biden would have read it. And the white supremacists are domestic bought here. Remember he used to read the fucking like I do sometime?

Anyways, that's Fartgate and Chuck Schumer. Look, as far as that goes, you can't really blame him. You've seen how he cooks his hamburgers, right? He doesn't. You eat raw beef. You're going to have some type of tummy. Remember that? When he's running for, they showed him in the ad. And he's at a grill.

Do you guys remember this? And the burgers, sitting there and he puts a piece of cheese on one of them and they haven't, they're completely raw. They lie. They can't even do a fucking ad for you and take the time. You know I mean? Not so much to lie. It's how incompetent the people are. Whoever was helping to make that didn't,

that's how dumb they are. Don't pay taxes anymore. I really think we can, you know, I'm a big fan of the Indians, not the Guardians, not the Cleveland Indians. I mean, Indians. people from India. I told you guys when I'm in Queens, I used to.

I had a great experience with an Indian doctor, so that's all I looked up all the time. I had a hiatal hernia. They had a stick of a thing down you. That's when your stomach, if you don't know what a hiatal hernia? You know how you esophagus connects to your stomach? Your stomach starts to come up into the...

It starts to come up into the ring, and it hurts. And they stuck a thing down my throat, called the dick. I went with it. Look, I don't know their culture. I'm like, he told me it was normal. It's how they loosen it.

And I rove it. Anyways, his brain is insane. How many stories left? Any idea? Oh, all right. It is, right? Look at me like I'm doing a set on stage. His brain is insane.

A Florida student accumulated a monumental 11.99, grade point average. I don't even know how that's they do it different thing when I was in school. Through an atypical high school routine, yeah, it's called studying every night. It's only atypical to American students, including myself.

And I know this because I lived in New York City and took the subway after shows at one in the morning, and I'd get on a subway. Literally, I got a Friday night to come back to fucking up, you know, wherever I was living in Manhattan. And I'd look around and there's literally, you'd see Asian kids in the end, literally reading a text,

Well, the white kids are throwing fucking movie candy at each other and farting. Anyways, through an atypical high school routine, prompting local schools to change how they weigh courses. You know, Sam, it's usually the retardant kid that fucked up the curve. This kid so smart, he fucked up the whole GPA system. The high marks by a Vibbaab Beskar. You don't have opening, but do I not? Let me just say something. I don't even believe that's him.

You know who that is? That's Russell Wilson, graduating high school. Is it not? Folks, if you're into sports, that was a good one. Who is on his way to Duke University, which is one of the best schools, as you know, in the world, to study finance and economic. That one blew me away, too.

I went to college. My worst subjects were finance. Got a D and fine. And I told you, my teacher was a football fan. and one of the finals after he graded him, he comes over to me. This is a class for about 70 people in it. And he goes, Mr. DiPaolo, I had a great weekend on the field

the one time in my life. And made me hand out the papers. And he goes, don't drop him. When he handed them to me, I goes, is that funny? I don't fucking fumble. And then he kicked me out of the class. I was all an excuse to tell you that I was running back.

Anyways, no, economics, finance, I don't get money, still don't. I hand it to my brother. I don't fucking, I just, it was hard. It was a fucking hard course because it was a girl next to me way smarter than me who struggled. But she had big tits and blew the guy and bang, A plus. That's how it works. Is that not Russell Wilson?

How do we know? Anyways, he studied finance economics, which is brutal to me. Ah, amortization. What? Earned him a new state record beating out the sunshine. state's previous top 11.84 GPA. It used to be 0 to 4.0, but now they stack them in Florida on top of each other. Listen to what he did to do this.

This nose is so itchy. Keep it rolling. God damn, something's tickling you up there. What is it? It's an eight-foot white hair. I have a white board in my room, and I've listed, this is him as a kid. They asked him, how do you do this? I have a whiteboard in my room, and I listed five goals on it for my high school career.

Can you imagine? Before you're going at the high school, you have a white boy with your gold. I did too. Fuck this girl that grew up

on the street next to me. Get drunk at prom and sexually assault the electricity teacher who I don't like, Mr. Howlett. You guys thought it was a woman. Come on.

Women doing electricity. For my high school career, back when I was a sophomore, so he had it. wrote it down on a white board and he was a sophomore put up his goals noting that his top

aims were to become valedictorian which I couldn't pronounce and break the state GPA record. I wanted to break the you know what record when you blow into a breathalyzer what do you call that? Blood alcohol,

B, something, that joke sucks. Once I had those goals defined and I had the mindset that I was going to accomplish those goals, no matter what. From then on, it just became about patience. Really? At that age, right there, just alone, you're talking like that and doing that. Shows you a highly intelligent.

Why is that? Can somebody look into that? And I know there's dumb Indian people, just like anybody else. I mean, there's rapes over there. You can't even a woman came out of the street now with packs of Indian teens. So I would say balance is an important thing. What are you, my gymnastics teacher? Shut the fuck up.

Baskar's course load included, listen to this. This is his course load in high school. 44 advanced placement in dual college enrollment classes. Because he took on such a massive volume of schoolwork, the combined weight of his classes pushed his GPA to an astronomical level. While Hillsborough County school officials praised Baskar's achievement, they stress that no student should be able to amass an 11.99 GPA. And why is that?

Yeah, God forbid somebody set the mark and became a someone to admire and to emulate and to raise the standards. God, we can't have that in America. Here he is. My boys awake and smile. I must have been tired when I gave it that one, though. That boy's wicked smart. Ever see that movie?

Louis C.K. does a bit on it and just tears. He hates this movie to a passion. It'll make you cry it so goddamn funny. How about them apples? His whole thing is, first of all, are you going to fucking, you're going to walk up. How about them? Matt Damon, I'm doing Louis Bid.

He walks up to him and he knocks on the window. Do you like apples? Like, you're going to play along if you're the kid. be like, get the fuck out of my face. Yeah, I like Apple. And it goes on and on. I'm not doing it justice. What's her name in Dallas will remember? Mini Driver. Yeah. She was very, in this movie, she's very cute. Now she's in her late hundreds like everybody else. Many schools currently lack a GPA ceiling, which can incentivize students to push them. Yeah, because you guys, as soon as you find a brilliant one, you're like, you can't set that standard. incentivize students to push themselves to undergo extreme lengths to appear more competitive to university admission offices. I think we rank, and I'm not making fun after Biden's fucking, we rank like 59th as far as science and reading and honestly God, industrial.

To combat this, many districts like the Palm Beach school system have turned to the honors point average, HPA system, which averages grades rather than stacking them, which helps prevent academic burnout. I remember I was stacking my grades and some kid pushed him over. Baskar expressed that he fully supports transitioning to a woman by his sophomore year, the right amount of credits in gender, fucking gender studies,

to a standardized approach. So he's in favor of the changes. He's a humble guy, he's brilliant. He's so smart they had to change because of him. And he goes, I agree with the, what he's saying is these fucking white kids can't stay up with me. Restricting GPA to a five-point scale. Here's a video for you. Samillate.

SEMU-E-L-S-R-U-S-E-L-Sauder. S-A-W-D-R. In the rapid-fire 90-second tiebreaker, Shrey correctly spelled 32 words. Read the index card. The deity had a premonition of the impending. apocalyptic event. The deity had a premonition of the appending apocalyptic event. Read the index card. I'm a great reader. The deity had a promotion of the impending catalymistic event. I thought she was a great reader. I am a great reader. Read the index card.

The written national identify in unusual aggressive puritistic infection. What was that right? for retronition rates. Read the index card. The veterinarian identified an unusual, aggressive parasitic infestation. Read the index card. The mean academic and vision, which, but you get everything,

get over. The ethical, dornian, restriction that acts of perfectionist's preparedness. Read the index card. The deed of the impending being. You're either loud or wrong. I'm not making,

drawn any comparisons, yeah. That wasn't exactly a difficult But I got a hand of black dude Remember there was a bunch of those over the holidays There's a black girl at a barbecue doing the same thing And you got to, and my response I actually put it I said, you got to make fun of yourselves I like people, you know, but fix it, that's all

And they, we can't Hold things against us, man That's to be white speak You know, anyhow But it's fun to make fun of each other's different even when you're a tired. What? And now for Nick's video of the day.

In our vaudeville segment tonight, our video of the day, a Texas woman was practicing. Reading? Nope. Pole dancing in her living room. You don't ever do it in your living room. Always do that in the garage. When the pole came loose from the ceiling and hit a sprinkler, flooding her apartment.

Let's just say she's not polling well. That was me. I can't blame that one on the post. I just saw a fastball down the middle and I fucking leaned into it. This is, guys remember King of Queens when Carrie put a pole in her fucking, she was trying to learn a strip for Doug? Funny shit. That shows very, check out this chick.

She's just trying to do it for her. First of all, this is where we are in society. You know, I mean, like a young woman here, I don't know how old she is, But there's housewives who want to be strippers. You know what I mean? It's fucking, well, Nick, what are you saying? I don't know. When you're hot and you're 20 or whatever.

And, you know, you're touched by three uncles. I can understand. But this fucking brought her as an apartment and a flat screen. She's doing very well for a colored person. What? Let's check this out. It's so funny. Say, we're two or three steps here.

That is when the one starts to wrap. That is when you're pulling too much and go again. So keep leaning away from the pole looking at that top ricks and you can readjust the hand Oh, she breaks a lamp too and the dog was in the picture running out of it Look at this. I wouldn't even know what to do wow that would put out of fire I used to piss like that I thought I saw fire What did she say? Come on tuts. Come on tuts. It's her dog. Oh

Did you see the dog? Oh, what the fuck. Oh my God. That's damaged. How do you? Right? You deserve it because you're going to help what you're trying to teach yourself. The devil's dance. The incident occurred in a Houston apartment. Surprise, surprise, not in Utah on a college campus where the woman was practicing pole. Yeah, we see it. What are we fucking retarded? Cause the pole came loose from the ceiling, hitting a sprinkler and triggering the flood. You know she took a beating from Tyrone when he got home. I just paid for that motherfucking TV, bitch.

Outcome, the woman and her dog evacuated safely before emergency service arrived to address the flooding. The woman was later shot by ice in my dreams. Social media, I'm giving you the important parts of the story. That's what it's. The woman later shared the incident online, contributing to a viral trend. So what I got to do?

About unexpected home workout mishaps. Happens a lot, does it? How about that? But it just happened. The sprinkles by itself up there, minding it's bit in the pole. She puts that big black ass into it. Next thing you know,

you got a tsunami up in that motherfucker at the Oaks apartment complex in Houston or wherever it. And that was Nick's video. of the day. Mammy! Again, strip clubs when you're young and great, but I got to a point where then

you're like, you know what, I'm just angry. You get drunk and all this pussy in your face because you've got a girlfriend and a wife, you can't... I mean, a girlfriend or a wife, get angry because you try to be good, but all your instincts

are saying, get her in the BIP room, get her in a fucking sleeperhold. But no, you have to go back to the Red Roof Inn. Fucking let a load fly off the episode of Three's company that you're going to watch by yourself. I just made that out. Finally,

is this finally tonight? Huh? I don't give a fuck. Finally tonight, a big story out of somewhere. Spray painting the bowl, is the name of this one. That's so gross.

A stomach twist. You guys might have heard about it. It's been in the news for the last few weeks. A stomach twisting explosive diarrhea parasite has infected at least 50 people in Suffolk County. That's in Long Island, New York. Officials said total number of cases down there searched to 66. I call this reason number 1471 not to live in New York City shithole. The Suffolk County Department of Health I wonder, has confirmed 49 cases of dreaded stomach bug.

Cyclospirisis, spirois, that's not like the black chick, deity, which sickens victims with diarrhea that can last more than a month. Chuck Schumer said he's going to look into it when he's done farting in the chambers as the island also contends with an outbreak of salmonella. Oh, let's get it. Let's go down there. Let's go to the Hamptons tonight. Did you hear what I just said?

On top of this fucking virus that's making exploding diarrhea, you get salmonella, they're not related somehow? Get a detective on this. The Suffolk County Department of Health Services, in conjunction with our state

and federal partners, is monitoring an increase in cyclo-spiriasis cases. This isn't just, it's happening nationally, apparently. I wonder why. Commissioner Dr. Gregson Piggott said Tuesday, less than 24 hours after neighboring NASA County reported 17 cases to date with 11.

11. 11. Oh, my God. A lebing. Don't ask me why I said that. With 11 testing positive in June alone, let's go to the video tape. What is cyclospora? It's a parasit. And it causes diarrhea, weeks of diarrhea in people.

Big deal. who are infected. The way that people usually are infected is through contaminated water and produce, really irrigation water, and ends up on lettuce, uh, raspberries, different types of produce. Authorities haven't established what the source of the parasite is. A fucking cat walking across the xylophone. Look at this guy. A bill fucking, a bill orally wannabe. Fucking fucking thing sucks. well do it live

the 17 confirmed cases is an uptick of the 10 cases reported well you're doing better over the same period last year oh what the fuck according to NASA health of fish

it's why I don't eat lettuce I made a sad lot and I do like when I some salads but you know what's better than a salad with lettuce a salad with just cherry tomatoes cucumbers red onion, right?

Fucking Calamatta olives, feta cheese. Fucking eat that shit all day. Anyways, why cyclosporiasis is usually contracted through contaminated food like produce? Experts have yet to identify a specific source of the current outbreak. And don't forget, folks, also, when it's not the pesticides and shit, we had an outbreak a few years ago. Some guy, you know, who's stalked on the shelf, wiped his ass. had hep C so you know I know whole food you're gonna

fucking capitalize on this somehow but it can get you in many ways health officials from both counties recommended residents wash their hands really here we are wash your hands thoroughly with soap and water yeah I do that like four times a day and after handling raw fruits and vegetables

or standing within five feet of Chuck Schumer's ass carefully washing all produce before eating using clean cutting board yeah, we do all that. Heating food to at least 158. Yeah, I like my salad at about 170. Folks, come on. Heating food to at least 158 degrees Fahrenheit

can also kill the parasite and your wife. Over 500 cases of Cyclops, pariahs, I like to change it every paragraph. See if anybody's paying attention. Have been reported in New York State alone, the majority of which have been in New York City where all the filthy illegals live. where more than 380 cases have been reported so far this year,

state health officials said. That's three times, folks, more compared to the same period in 2025, nearly 7,000 people across the country have got cycles, spoiler on our second. I see it's, yeah. Health officials are investigating Tackle Bell regarding this current outbreak. Here's what you need to know about it. Tackle Bell recently removed several items from its menu out of an abundance of

caution including onion, cilantro, and lettuce. And over a thousand people from Michigan who were affected by this outbreak were interviewed. Many of them had stated that they had eaten at a Taco Bell recently. Can you imagine being the CEO of Taco Bo? Wahoo! I think I read today, I'm so lazy, I didn't finish the sentence. They put a statement out. I don't know if it's denying it was a, but you know what?

That is not good for business. It's like that time that when I was a little kid, I told you at McDonald's. Friday night, me and all the family are in the station wagon, and there's a place called the Forinaft, which is a seafood restaurant, which is where I was when I went up to Boston this weekend. It's a different place now. The food was really good. But it was called

the Forernaft, and a lady came out out the front door, gets in her car, the driver's side, then opens it and starts power gacking. And then another woman with her comes out. Before she even gets in the car, she starts throwing up on the... Again, I told you, my old man was laughing, so how do you? I'm going to... Anyways, that's a kind of... You don't

need that type of PR. I haven't had Taco Bell since, I don't know, maybe once in my life in L.A. But I got to tell you, when you're hungry late in night and they put those commercials up, I want to get one of those supreme boxes where it's like diarrhea in a box where they handle.

They bring it right there. All right, folks, that is it for today. We updated you on world events and a lot of what we call in the comedy world. You call that what's the word I'm looking for? Scatatat. That's what it's scatterological is shit humor.

I remember Brett Butt and said Brett Butler, the comedian who put me on a show. God bless her. She saw me. She was on after next to me, on after me at the Comedy Star in L.A. She goes, he had a lot of scatillurgical. I come off. I go, what do you mean? It was all over the place.

It had no. I thought she meant scattered everywhere. It's a shit reference. Sorry, I didn't grow up in Berlin, you fuck. All right, that's it. Don't forget cameo.com. If you would like me to send a personalized video roasting somebody, go to cameo.com.

You guys think that I'll say very welcome. We'll see you back here for the final day tomorrow, right? Right, kids? Yeah, okay. I have a good day. Hi, good night, everybody.