The Nick DiPaolo Show - Tom Brady Expatriot | Nick Di Paolo Show #317

Episode Date: March 17, 2020

Kid Rock pushing back. Misleading headlines in corona news. New TikTok Corona challenge. Brothers caught price gouging cleaning supplies. Thank you John T from Warwick for your "Ask Nick!" question and for your continued support on Patreon! MONDAY - THURSDAY 5PM EST #Trump #MAGA #ABreathOfFreshAir

Hey guys, it's Nick DiPaolo. You know what I'm sick of? I'm sick of being told what is acceptable in comedy, what is not acceptable. I've never followed the rules because there are no rules in comedy. It's an art form, okay? I don't wanna be told what I can say, what I can't say.

I've been saying this politically incorrect shit my whole career, starting as an open mic in 1988. I'm not a Johnny-come-lately. There's guys out there who are taking credit for pushing back now against the PC culture. I was the original deplorable. You can look it up, okay? That's why we created the Nick DiPaolo Show.

We have a place where I can speak unfiltered. The truth. There's two types of people, politically correct and people who are honest. And you guys are like me. We speak, we call it like we see it, okay? And that's why the show was created. We recently went free Monday through Thursday at nickdip.com, which means we need your support.

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and we will continue to bring you the truth unfiltered and fuck anybody who doesn't like it. Talk to you soon. Oh yeah. How are you folks? Welcome to the show. Tuesday, state of Georgia. It's beautiful down here. Kids with gun racks on their strollers, mothers chewing tobacco. You don't know what you're missing. Shrimp and grits, all kinds of shit. There's a Rally's and a Sonic's every 10 feet.

If you want to blow up like a tick, this is the place. Love it. Absolutely love it. Welcome to the show. If you want to blow up like a tick, this is the place. Love it. Absolutely love it. Welcome to the show. Thank you so much. I know you're quarantined and I am your entertainment. There's nothing on. No sports, nothing.

So stay tuned right here for your latest. We'll get to the Corona shit in a few minutes. Personally, I'm sick of talking about it. All right. But don't forget this show. I'm sick of talking about it. All right. But don't forget this show. I've had months of gigs canceled. Even if I did have the gigs, we rely on you and your contributions at nickdip.com to keep this show going because we just went free a couple weeks ago, Monday through Thursday. Thank you so much for uh great timing nick

let's go free oh shit the world's shutting down i'm standing out on fucking route 80 with uh selling roses like a homeless guy so please uh contribute what you can because i know you guys feel the pinch too and uh but you can do it a couple ways nickdip.com or again you can go to you can sign up at patreon.com and contribute monthly which is great too because you'll get an extra story that nobody else gets and you can ask me questions and you have access to all the shows 300 shows prior that we've done all righty and don't forget if you're a small business uh go hit hit me up at nickdip.com if you want to sponsor the show we get a new sponsor uh today uh same as i did

yesterday but we had i think technical difficulty so i'm gonna do it again it's a great product that i just found out my dad is uh actually they use it where he is you're like where's that well it's none of your business we'll get down a few minutes he's hiding out in Sicily after somebody got hurt. Let's start again with the biggest news because I'm from Boston. We sort of knew this was coming, but it breaks my heart nonetheless. The GOAT, Tom Terrific, says goodbye to the Patriots. Thanking Belichick and Kraft. What are you thanking them for? If they gave you the tools, you'd have even better numbers,

which is almost impossible. But I am heartbroken. He's gone, and we couldn't do nothing about it. After 20 years with the organization, the quarterback posted a tweet on Tuesday saying his farewell and his thanks to Bill Belichick, Robert Kraft, and the entire Patriots organization. Adam Schefter, who's the only one apparently who can get stories at ESPN,

this guy has a fucking in, reported that Brady has not yet chosen his next team and that Brady will be exploring his options. The quarterback did not specify where he'll be going next, instead opting to take the time to put his 20 years with the Patriots into perspective. I'll just read a little bit. You can put it up there, Reza. Although my football journey will take place elsewhere,

Brady said, I appreciate everything that we have achieved and am grateful for our incredible team accomplishments. I have been privileged to have had the opportunity to know each and every one of you, banged every waitress in the greater Boston area, and to have the memories that we created together to all my teammates, coaches, executive staff, Belichick, RKK, and Kraft family in the Italian. I want to say thank you for the past 20 years of my life

and the daily commitment to winning and creating a winning culture built on great values. It's the reason I'm banging the hottest piece of ass on the planet, and I have 19 kids. I am grateful for all that you have taught. All right, enough of the ass kissing, Tom. Jesus Christ. I think we can sum it up in one thing. Give me the money. Give me the fucking money.

You hear me? You hear me? I said come here and bust my body. Give me the fucking money. That's him? You hear me? I should come here and bust my body. Give me the fucking money. That's him in the negotiations with Kraft. Look, you can look at this a couple of ways, folks. OK, but Robert Kraft's a businessman first. And this is a business. OK, Tom Brady's 42. Great organizations look ahead. And the thing is, Robert Kraft figured out how to win six Super Bowls without spending a ton of money on big-name receivers. One year they got Randy Moss, right?

That's about the only superstar. The rest of the receivers, Edelman and Wes Welker, Gronk, Brady made them superstars. You know what I mean? You'd never remember him with a core of these other shitty teams. Like he's looking at Tampa right now. Do they have Mike Williams or whoever? I want to see him go to a team with tools and put up scary fucking numbers, you know? But Robert Kraft is a businessman right look look what he did without blowing a whole load but can't you reward the guy for what

he brought six super bowls can't you give him one year at 50 million and just go out and buy every receiver get kids out of height i don't give a shit load up. I hope he goes to a team that's loaded with receivers because I want to see, I swear to God, he's going to put up, you know, he's going to freak people out. That's what Tom does. He's the fucking goat. No doubt about it. It's breaking my freaking heart.

Can you imagine seeing him in a Tampa uniform? You've got to be dog-styling me. But they also said, Tampa right now, and the Chargers are in the hunt but they said starting tomorrow the official free agency opens Dallas is going to come sniffing the Colts and a few other teams uh anyways he says I want to say thank you to all the incredible fans and Patriot supporters uh Massachusetts has been my home for 20 years yeah during the week he always went to New York on the weekends.

Artie Lang used to bust my balls about it. Because, you know, Artie's a New York guy. I'm a fucking Boston guy. And he just used to crush my stones. It has truly been the happiest 20 years I could have envisioned in my life. And I have nothing but love and gratitude for my times in New England. The support has been overwhelming. Yet I still say, fuck you.

I need the cash. What? I already had a great bit about Tom Brady's life and still say, fuck you, I need the cash. What? I already had a great bit about Tom Brady's life and how unbelievable, you know, it's not a good looking zillionaire. His wife makes zillions. It's fucking one of the hottest people. And he goes, you got to, he goes down on Giselle, finds like a Mickey Mantle mint baseball card worth. He says, I wish everybody could experience what I did. My children were born and raised here. You always embrace this California kid as your own. I love your commitment and loyalty to your teams

and winning for our city more than you will ever, ever know. And I look forward to being pelted with Heineken the next time I come to Foxborough in a different uniform. I can't believe it. I can. And I can't, uh, let me,

can I just give you his numbers just to remind you people how fucking great that you want to see a resume. This is, if this was youth football, these numbers would be outstanding. Madden football. First of all, you guys know he's drafted in the sixth round,

199th overall pick. There's where Belichick proved his genius right there in Kraft. That was back in two. Listen to this. Accumulated 74,571 yards passing, 541 touchdowns in the regular season. Now listen to these postseason numbers. 11,388 yards and 73 touchdowns in the postseason. As a starting quarterback, listen to his record.

219 and 64 in the regular season and 30 and 11 in the playoffs. Only player in the history of the NFL to win six Super Bowls. Four Super Bowl MVP awards. More than any other player in the history of the NFL to win six Super Bowls. Four Super Bowl MVP awards. More than any other player in history. A league MVP in 2007, 2010, and 2017. He's been named to 14 Pro Bowls. 14! And three All-Pro First Teams.

He also owns the most offensive player of the week awards with 30. No quarterback has ever won as many games as Brady, which is the bottom line. That's the goal standard. And if regular season stats are combined with postseason stats, no quarterback has as many passing yards or touchdowns, fucking period. Bye-bye. God damn it, Tommy.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. He's gone. And the Cougars are doing well. god damn it tommy bye bye good luck whoever's gonna try to fill his fucking shoes my aching stem you believe this it happens though joe namath went to the rams at the end of his career montana went to the Chiefs. This shit happens. I'm just, I don't know. Really? If you can't keep Tom Brady his whole career. Right, Raz?

You know, I blame this shit on a Kurt Flood. Who's Kurt Flood? He was a player back in the 70s in Major League Baseball for the Reds or whoever. The National League team. They wanted to trade him and he didn't want to get fucking traded. He wanted to go elsewhere. He was on a team, didn't like it, wanted to go elsewhere. And the teams backed and said, no, you're staying here.

So he got a fucking lawyer. And that's when free agency started. So may you die in hell, Curt Flood, if you're not already dead. Real quick, this is sports related also. It combines the coronavirus story. And UFC, the UFC, you know, Dana White's been saying, fuck you, we're going to do our events, man. This is a sport where we beat the fuck out of each other.

Once people are unconscious, we let them hit them while they're down. Ain't afraid of no fucking chink soup. What? Who said that kind of racism? Dana White. Another Boston guy, by the way, Dana White. You're going to love our town. Come on.

I am hooked on UFC. It slowly, it was pulling me in. I still love boxing. But I'm telling you, watch that fight that happened two weeks ago with two broads some girl ironically from china i think i think she sneezed on her opponent and that was it uh no they beat the fuck out of each other for five rounds it was as good as any fucking male fight i've ever seen

uh dana white relents on coronavirus postpones ufc events after trump says it would be unsafe. That's what, so Dana White's not too. Could I be happier? Yeah, yeah. Who couldn't? After days of publicly downplaying the risk of holding UFC events in the face of the coronavirus outbreak, UFC president Dana White is falling in line with the rest of the sports world.

White reportedly sent an email to UFC employees on Monday to inform them that the UFC events on March 21st, March 28th, and April 11th have been indefinitely postponed. The decision comes just two days after saying it would take a total shutdown of the United States to stop him from holding the fights, and that's pretty much where we are. White's reversal was first reported less than an hour after President Donald Trump, who's a friend of Dana White's, acknowledged the threat of the coronavirus and advised against gatherings of more than 10 people. White had previously cited a discussion with Trump and Vice President Pence as one of the reasons why he was still trying to hold the UFC events with fans. And I think we have a little bit of video of him talking right now. Now they're saying there should be no more than 10 in a room.

And that's just, that's impossible. We can't do it. And we've complied with everything that the government and that these doctors have said to do. And, you know, we have no choice now but to postpone these fights. So we're postponing the next three events. But Tony Ferguson versus Habib,il 18th is still on and that will still happen oh black guy versus terrorists

habib uh you know habib was one of the uh 19 terrorists that crashed into the no i don't know fucking tony ferguson i guessing he's black. I think I've seen him fight. And that's a big one everybody's looking forward to. So Dana White had to cave in. A little interesting thing about Dana White. He's a Boston dude.

He was like a bouncer at a bar and shit. And he dabbled in other stuff. He was chased out of Boston. I read an article by Whitey Bulger. Remember him? Whitey Bulger. You saw the movie The Departed. Jack Nicholson sort an article by Whitey Bulger. Remember him? Whitey Bulger.

You saw the movie The Departed. Jack Nicholson sort of based on Whitey Bulger. And Black Mass with Johnny Depp did an unbelievable job, I thought, playing Whitey Bulger. So, Daniel White is a man's man. And, you know, you can't defy the president. You can, but. Well, Kid Rock can, apparently. We'll get to that in a second.

Fuck that, man. Mahonk-a-tonk. What? The South's always the last one's fucking kicking it. Here's the corona news. You know, every time we do corona, we should have those guys throwing up their white shit. If you can find it while I'm talking, I don't care. USC.

It's horrible. In Corona news, there's a couple of guys that just got back from Wuhan. Apparently, they had fevers. Yeah. So listen to this. Health officials reported that 18 people in the United States died from the virus on Monday alone.

The most on any one day so far, according to the Washington Post. The total number of U.S. deaths from the virus is now up to at least 88. Again, I'm trying to put this in perspective. I understand the ideas of social distancing and quarantine and all the hardship, but 88, you know how many people died last year of the flu, influenza? 30,000. So I'm trying to keep my fucking, I know tests are coming out now, right? We got a million more test kits. So these numbers are going to blow up. Some people believe there's a half million people infected that don't even know it, which could be true. But I'm just saying, just hold your horses.

88 people yesterday in the United States fucking dropped dead. Well, not dropped dead. You don't have to say it like that. Sure I do. Where the fuck am I here? If that's a fact, me am i lying the rising death toll and toll number of confirmed cases which now exceeds 4600 nationally has led to a number of

states issuing restrictions on public gatherings and venues including gyms i'm going to the gym hopefully it's open i'm the only one in there me and a guy and this is kind of funny there's a guy who comes in almost every time i'm there he has a hacking cough he looks just like brian cranston he wears a baseball hat and he walks on a treadmill and he coughs and coughs and fucking coughs i've left the gym not finishing my workout. I got my music player and I can still hear my... Fuck, it makes me nuts. I'm sure he's a nice guy, but Jesus Christ, take a sucrette before you hit the fucking gym.

Anyways, additionally, President Trump provided new guidelines on Monday, which included avoiding gatherings of more than 10 people for at least the next two weeks. Here's Trump talking about it yesterday. included avoiding gatherings of more than 10 people for at least the next two weeks. Here's Trump talking about it yesterday. My administration is recommending that all Americans, including the young and healthy, work to engage in schooling from home when possible, avoid gathering in groups of more than 10 people, avoid discretionary travel, and avoid eating and drinking at bars, restaurants, and public food courts

I love him a fucking Rob Ryan is on Twitter today saying he has to be removed from office because of the way he handled this. And now I see why they chose you to play meathead. You're stupider than your fucking character on All in the Family, you asshole. Dr. Fauci's out there saying Trump saved thousands of lives by banning flights from China like a week into this. Nobody's talking about that on the mainstream media. You're just horrible. Fucking Rob Reiner. I want to like him.

I mean, he had something to do with a few good men, right? That was his company, whatever. But for Christ's sake, Rob. Just a partisan. You've been in Hollywood your whole life. Getting retarded. Good time to thank all the people uh as far as uh contributions to the show that are keeping this on the air and that's no fucking bullshit michael anzalone at

new jersey edwin augusto moreno mario new york jesus what are you doing keeping your maiden names spanish fella hey raz did you come up with that? That's pretty fucking original. A lot of work went into that one. This fucking guy. He couldn't put something funny on there. Hey, I found a thing saying thank you online. I'll throw it in front of a fucking comedy club wall. Lawrence, what is it? I should know how to say this.

I'm Italian. Ciccio, C-I-C-C-O, Pennsylvania. Jay Smith, Oregon. William Horres, H-O-R-E-S. Don't bust my balls if I get your name wrong. I'm trying. I'll call you Horres, New York. Jared Stroll, California.

Daniel McElhaney, Illinois. Adam Taylor, Pennsylvania. James Van Corbach, Washington. John Joyce, California. Daniel McElhinney, Illinois. Adam Taylor, Pennsylvania. James Van Corbach, Washington. John Joyce, Arkansas. Oystein Neisether. It just says Viking. Joe Lulich, Washington. Lee Unruh, North Dakota.

Kirk Lee, New Jersey. John Cunningham, New Mexico. V.J. Ramhujam, Florida. Indian fella. Derek Amberman, Nevada. dakota kirk lee new jersey john cunningham new mexico vj ram who's from florida indian fella derrick uh amberman nevada isaiah parry minnesota kendra davison arizona randolph aiken colorado quindarius gooch michigan and now we have people still signing up on Patreon. B.D. Shapp, James McClain, Michael, and Bo Perez. Thank

you, guys. I can't tell you how important it is if you want this show, you know, four days a week for free. And we're going to need it. There's nothing on TV. Speaking of the president and coronavirus, I have a good question. you really ross what's

it say thank you john t warwick rhode island i lived in west warwick rhode island i was selling meat door-to-door back in the 80s when i get out of college frozen steak and seafood out of the back of an azusa pickup truck truck with fucking dry ice on the stories i could tell you people i'm probably still gonna get arrested you watch those investigative things they bust a guy for rape 40 years later somebody's gonna knock on my door and go you charged an 82 year old lady 110 for four pieces of boston scrot you fucking gouging guinea nick when was the last time you voted democrat in a presidential election if ever what a dumb question that's just john we why would i do that ever why would i vote for a party who hates this fucking country and they have since i was 18 years old never never will

i think you're implying we're supposed to vote vote both ways i will when the democrats show a fucking ounce of respect for this country they shit on ronald reagan he's an idiot b actor they shit on george the first george bush they made george w bush out to be if i've been hearing the same shit from the left and the media has been their fucking voice box so uh never and i'm proud of that fact and if this corona thing didn't happen uh you the democrat party would dissolve as you know it unrelated question can you share your bad super good one johnny boy yes i can only the chinese would look at a flying rat that's known to have rabies and go, you know, if we deep fry that fucking whitey, you'll buy it. Yes.

Get a one pound bat. Check it for rabies by having your wife's wife kiss it on the mouth. Then you take a dish right with fucking eggs and flour and breadcrumbs, three different dishes. And you take the fucking bat, dip it in the egg, egg wash, and then the flour and the rolling breadcrumbs. And then you deep fry that motherfucker until it's a nice golden brown. A little fucking garlic, a little lemon. He's looking at you in a plate like this. Thank you, John. That was actually a little lemon. He's looking at you in a plate like this. Thank you, John.

That was actually a great question. Let's move on to speaking of food and restaurants and bars. The owner of Kid Rock's big-ass honky-tonk rock and roll steakhouse. Look at Kid Rock. As he gets older, he looks like Jeff Foxworthy in a wig. It looks like Foxworthy doing a Kid Rock impression. His steakhouse in Nashville said they're refusing to follow Mayor John Cooper's plan to shut down all bars in the city's tourist hotspot, Lower Broadway. Oh, boy.

I don't know if that's a good move. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. All right. Somebody's put him a fight after video of a packed bar went viral overnight. The Metro Board of Health approved a plan to shut down all bars in Davidson County, including the honky tonks in downtown Nashville. The Tennessee Department of Health reported thirty nine cases of coronavirus in the state with 17 in Davidson County alone. After Cooper announced his plans the governor steve smith said kiss my fucking grits he said who owns uh steve smith who owns the bar with kid rock's

name on it as well as the diner and the tootsies all right get your plug in orchid lounge said he will not follow the rule until a statewide mandate is issued smith called on the he called the decision by the governor unconstitutional all right we're listening to you he said uh unless there's a statewide mandate that directs all bars and restaurants to be closed the request made by mayor cooper is unconstitutional as he is targeting a select group of businesses, Smith said in a statement. We are compassionate with those who have contracted the virus and all who are helping manage the crisis as the entire world addresses the outbreak. However, Tootsie's patron, as immediate as last night, a Tootsie's patron,

mentioned having lived through the polio epidemic and didn't recall such extreme measures being handed down in history. Well, let me ask you something. If that's your argument, I'm going to play lawyer here. And I believe lots of people died from polio. Well, they were limping around like retards a few years. What, that's your example? I want to be with this guy because I'm an unapologetic capitalist. I believe in making money in the free markets and shit.

But I mean, Jesus, really? Hmm, what do you think, Raz? Does this guy get a point? That the governor's just picking restaurants and this guy says no they have to all be what do you think maybe this guy hates country and western music maybe he got the shits from the jambalaya there i don't know uh but i think i'm gonna have to side with the governor here i mean we, we're talking life and death, again, for older people. There's a shitload of fucking octogenarians line dancing on Wednesday night,

the honky tonk. The decision to close the bars and set limits for restaurants came after a Twitter user, I think I already read that, that I not shared a video showing a packed bar on lower Broadway Saturday night. Even as people had already been advised to self-quarantine, the place was packed. The video quickly went viral with over 3 million views. It was not a good look for the city with even celebrities calling out the bars

for letting so many customers pack into close quarters. Some guy, Marin Morris, I guess he's a star. I think Raz has all his old stuff. Well, the rest of us are trying to be responsible in our homes and get this shit over with this. He says that was Marin Morris. He said, Broadway, you want a hero for staying open. That's what he's saying. It's not going to be long before you all kill yourselves because you're all crazy. I think, uh, yeah, I, I i i think you should uh it's not gonna look good dude that owns this bar if a lot of people and you know what's gonna happen around

a lot of people gonna get this shit or be diagnosed with it in a few ways and they're gonna come back after the bar and you guys knew maybe you know how it is the litigious world but um i thought it was like a total shutdown but apparently not of all the bars and restaurants in uh nashville or wherever the fuck i was talking about it's right folks get the faggy cigarette out. I'm doing this and smoking. Could I be any stupider? I can't decide. This doesn't scratch that itch.

It's nice, though. The problem is you're not supposed to suck on this for 24 hours like a lollipop. You're supposed to take a hit on it every couple hours. I'm watching TV. Went through three of these pods. I wonder if this is affecting me. Got the lungs of a fucking nine-year-old Chinese woman. More corona news, ladies and gentlemen. I can't help but the world's shitting and throwing up, and I'm just reporting it.

The cops want to make a suggestion in Oregon, which seems like a really dumb state, only because Portland is so left-wing. The rest of you people are great. You're hunters. You're real Oregon people. dumb state only because of portland is so left wing the rest of you people are great you hunt as your real oregon people but uh listen to the police have to make a request okay you're gonna fucking die on this one uh police are trained do not call 9-1-1 just because you ran out of toilet paper oregon police said you believe they have to tell people that it's hard to believe that we even have to post this police in newport oregon road do not call 9-1-1 just because you ran out of toilet paper you will survive without our assistance they say oh retard alert retard alert we are you really

calling 9-1-1 are the cops going to go? You know, we're going to help this. We just got a call. There's a five-year-old baby drowning in a pool. But if you need a clean ass, we'll put that on hold. How stupid can you fucking be? It's like the people, remember the fucking, there's been a hundred stories about people calling 911 because they didn't get the right sauce for their McNuggets. I'm not fucking making this shit up.

calling 911 because they didn't get the right sauce for their McNuggets. I'm not fucking making this shit up. The Post then pointed out the different methods used throughout history before suggesting other items that could be used in lieu of your favorite toilet paper. Among their suggestions, grocery store receipts. I do that anyways. When I look at how much I get whacked at fucking Kroger's. You motherfucking,

fucking $14 for three apples. Grocery store receipts, newspaper. Yeah, good luck with that. Wiping your ass with a word scramble. Cloth rags, magazine pages, cotton balls.

Oh yeah, that'll sop up the fucking shit. How gross. You can have like, cotton balls. Oh yeah, that'll sop up the fucking shit. How gross. You're going to have like 19 cotton balls stuck to your asshole. And they say even leaves. What the fuck? What are you doing in Oregon? I'm going to tell you the best

wipe your ass story ever. This is true. I got a beep with my, we live in Tarrytown, me and the wife. It was the night the Cubs, remember the fan interfere with the foul ball? The guy for the fan with the Cubs, he had to move out of Chicago. They wanted to kill him. It was that

night. Me and the wife have an argument. It's like worms. Early October is like 70 that night, 68. I storm out of the house. I throw on my sneakers, no socks, just shorts and a t-shirt. I get about a half mile from our condo. All of the house. I throw on my sneakers, no socks, just shorts and a T-shirt. I get about a half mile from our condo. All of a sudden, I have, I think I'm going to give birth to triplets.

I am having searing diarrhea pains to the point where I'm like, oh, fuck. I'm on a sidewalk. There's nowhere, but there's a wall next to me. I climb over it. It was not the Hearst Castle. One of those, I never remember, the Rockefeller estate to something. My wife knows exactly.

I climb over. As I'm pulling myself up, it's leaking out. All true, Rez. Now I'm hiding behind a wall, like near a tree, and I have pulled my shorts down and just unload. I don't know what the fuck if I had the fucking Wuhan. I don't know what it was. Now,

I go, I'll just wipe me out with my socks. Then I look down at my feet, I got no socks on. All I got now is what? My t-shirt. I take my t-shirt off. I start to ball it up. What do I see on the t-shirt? It was a t-shirt the NYPD gave to me. Did some benefit for the cops with all the names of the cops and firefighters

that died. Could I make this up? It was like God was testing me. Just how much of a patriot are you, motherfucker? So, I pulled up my shorts. Couldn't wipe my ass with the dead cops. That's right. Walked home. Had a trail of fucking mosquitoes for a mile following. Grossest story ever. Get in the house. I have two dollar-sized blisters on both heels like i'm limping in

shitty ass i could have used the uh the old tusharini machine um matter of fact let me do that right now good segue it's a true story ladies and gentlemen uh today's episode of the Nick DiPaolo podcast is brought to you by our new sponsor. Hello, Tushy dot com. There's a toilet paper shortage right now. You know that, right? You know who doesn't need toilet paper? People who aren't wiping their ass, but washing it, which makes perfect sense. Break up with your toilet paper.

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It's not toilet water. Tushy connects to the water supply behind your toilet to spray your dirty parts with clean, fresh water. TUSHY connects to the water supply behind your toilet to spray your dirty parts with clean, fresh water. It's the same water you use to brush your teeth with. Wet wipes are worse than toilet paper. They're terrible for the environment. They cause anal fissures. You don't want to cause anus fissuring, do you? And get this, it's only 79 bucks. So go to hellotushy.com forward slash IOU, get 10% off your order. Hellotushy.com forward slash Nick Dip. You know how I know this is a great product?

I'm not kidding you, but you know, my dad has all times I've talked about it. They use it, they bought this for, you know, older people that have problems with the bathroom and stuff so uh again go to hello uh tushy.com forward slash iu get 10 off your order we thank uh tushy for sponsoring this episode of the show ah why is um yes sir why is toilet tissue the the thing people are going for right now you know it's funny my. I think people are into origami. They make beautiful floats.

It kills time when you're quarantined. My wife asks the same thing. Because I had the same reaction. People go, well, this doesn't even cause diarrhea. But that's got nothing to do with it. It has to do with everybody being quarantined. Let's say society breaks down. Let's say there's martial law. I don't know. It's still, I know, but can you think of anything more essential? What are you going to do? Take a dump and use your wife's oven mitts?

It's a good question. I went to Walmart. I could not not find any there's like five of us circling this shelf and i said to this redneck kid he laughed i said relax i go there's like a fucking thousand coffee filters on aisle three he started to laugh i did that when i live with louis ck we use coffee filters for a couple days it's a true story and that's right, friends came over for coffee. We said, hey, what do you like, a nice dark roast? Speaking of empty toilet shelves with no toilet paper, check out this video. This was in southern New Hampshire. I don't know if it was a Walmart or not, but, yeah, it was. I think it was a Walmart.

But watch what these cops did. Holy shit. That's more than 10 people. Break it up. I love, here's why I love New England. At least New Hampshire still has a sense of humor. That was the New Hampshire Police Association pipes and drums. And they got a kick out of this. And I'm sure a lot of people who lost people to coronavirus

aren't laughing. No, it's no toy. But they had a gig that they were supposed to play at. It got canceled. How they ended up at the fucking Walmart is beyond me. But I thought that was pretty funny.

You got to have a sense of humor. You know who else has a sense of humor about it? Can I just tell you guys, you might know this from watching my show for years or whatever, listening to my podcast. I'm a huge Schwarzenegger fan. When I was 14 or 15, I was like every other kid in the mid-70s. I wanted to be a bodybuilder. You go to the back of the magazines, there'll be pictures of Schwarzenegger.

I sent away his thing. You got like a workout lesson every week or something. I can't remember. But I just love Schwarzenegger because he is the American dream story. Came over here from Eastern Europe or wherever the frig, Austria. And he became the greatest bodybuilder of all time. And he never got full of himself. He was always tongue inin-cheek never took

himself too seriously and he became a zillionaire governor of california right sure he fucked a maid who's like mexican and fucking 60 years old with a pot belly just shows he's a fucking animal he fucked up but uh i i just love him he always has a sense of humor about himself uh so he put out a video uh you know because of the coronavirus uh what did it say here schwarzenegger has a stern message for california is tempted to defy governor gavin newsom uh and go to bars, restaurants or wineries while the coronavirus outbreak rages. He says Schwarzenegger, stay at home as much as possible. Listen to the experts. Ignore the morons. We will get through this together.

On Sunday, the Terminator star and former governor posted the message in a short video on Twitter. It was not immediately clear what he meant by foreheads. He pointed when he said morons. But the video featuring the actor and two pets, miniature horse Whiskey, and oh, one of them is a donkey, Raz, and donkey Lulu. Check out this video. I just love his name.

See, the important thing is that you stay at home because there's a curfew now. Okay, no one is allowed out, especially someone that is like 72 years old. After you're 65, you're not allowed at our house anymore in California. So we stay home. California.

And we eat here. We eat here. What? I love them. Oh, yeah, that's yummy. I eat with whiskey. And there's Lulu. Lulu loves carrots.

Whiskey loves carrots. I just had my little bit of vegan food. Oh, that was yummy, huh? In the kitchen, I'm not eating there. That's what we do. We don't go out, we don't go to restaurants, we don't do anything like that anymore here. We just eat with whiskey and with Lulu,

we have a good time, we get entertained. Look at that beautiful smile she has. She's got me banging that two minutes. Oh, yes. These are yummies, huh? We have a good time eating here together. So much more fun than going outside. No more restaurants, okay?

No more restaurants. Forget all that. Public gatherings, restaurants, and all those gymnasiums out the window. We stay home. Okay, Whiskey? Huh? You and I have you in my neck. He's gonna choke to shit.

Yeah, Whiskey. And you, I have you too. Look at that level. Look at this picture here. How can you love him? Nobody. Hello. You love him? Nobody. You've got to get along. I'm Mr. Very small.

Our horses are horses, of course. And no one can talk to our horses, of course. I love Arnie. I love him. He's in a house by himself. Choking out a donkey. He's just happy. He came over.

He had made millions upon millions. He said not to go to the gym. That answers my question this afternoon. I'm going to head to fucking Baldino's, get a fucking three-foot cheesesteak. That's what I'm going to do. Don't you love Arnie? Fucking love him. Never takes it for granted how well he did over here.

Speaking of California, Governor Newsom, you know who he is, nitwit left winger, has urged, though not ordered, people over 65 or with chronic health problems to stay home. He has also said restaurants, bars, and nightclubs should close. I just don't like Newsom. He's too left-wing. And, you know, how about all the homeless people, Governor Newsom? Maybe this will take care of it, huh? Coronavirus going to whack these people right out?

Although I doubt it. When you live on the streets for years, you build up an immunity. Fucking rat could bite you with rabies. It just bounces off. Got so much heroin in you, the rat dies. Governor Newsom. He was once married to Kimberly Guilfoyle. She likes powerful men.

More Corona news. This one made me really hungry. Instagram model Ava Louise licks airplane toilet seat for Corona challenge. And they say Americans are retarded. I mean, come on. Ava Louise is an Instagram model that has over 155,000 followers. Decided to do one of the more disgusting challenges you will ever see. Let's take a look at it. Let's see that again. She's so pretty.

Corona time. Hey, it's Corona time right now. I'd like to replace that toilet seat with my ass how hurt for attention are you by the way here's my take on this first of all she probably that's a private jet probably she's blowing some guy who you know is worth a billion dollars and that nobody's even sat on that toilet yet have you ever seen a toilet seat that clean in a fucking airplane it's like a dna wreath has shit stains blood coffee hair i've actually crapped in the sink before i'd sit on a toilet and play she looks like a barbie doll she looks fake there it wouldn't be funny though in a a couple of days, her fee is 106 and she's bleeding from her eye sockets. I mean, it's not enough. You have instinct. She looks

phony. She's so, she got the welding goggles on. She's got 155,000 followers. Can you imagine that? But you know what I laugh about in this fucking thing it says ava louise a 22 year old this is how they describe an influencer of what retarded behavior from miami was slammed online for licking an airplane toilet seat you guys have anything else to do do you guys work you fucking uh i mean i get paid to do this but uh licking a toilet, you all take him part in the so-called coronavirus challenge. I think she's quite a gal. A, she was a hooah. No.

B, she was a hooah. Stop that. She's a little whore and a little piece of trash. Watch how you talk about my Ava. Ava, licking the toilet. She must not be wild in bed, huh? Can drop a log right in her forehead. You wonder why they don't let me on Fox News.

The video which Ava initially shared on TikTok and then on Twitter provoked the outrage of thousands who said Ava was just looking for attention. Wow, you must be a detective to come to that conclusion. You think? A, she was a hooah. B, she was a hooah. Yeah, but she licks toilet seats. That means she's a bad girl in the sack. Know what I'm saying? What do we got here? Oh my God, sort of related. Remember yesterday I did a story about the cam girls? You know, the little whores that lay on their bed and put a camera two inches from their badge people send money pussy just survives everything doesn't it corona fucking nuclear just you can't stop people's hunger for pussy look at my two animals look at at the Lulu. Eat the carrots.

A donkey. Look, little whiskey. Yeah, so the cam girls are making a killing, right? You know, they freelance. But this headline says, porn industry may halt shoots over coronavirus prices. It's not the Mark Levin Show. The porn industry's leading trade organization is calling for a two-week suspension of film shoots to help curb the spread of the coronavirus.

Oh, you're going to help stop the coronavirus from spreading? Yeah, you know, AIDS and fucking coronary, we just blink at that. And I won't watch a porn where a guy puts a rubber on. That's so fucking gay. It's like flag football. Don't even fucking put on a rubber. Oh, let me fucking get moral here. Look, I'm being responsible before i do eight minutes

of anal on this girl she's blowing my buddy phil uh adult film lobby group free speech coalition issued the plea to porn producers and performers on sunday fsc is calling for a voluntary shutdown of all adult entertainment productions in the u.s and canada they have porn in canada that must be pretty fucking boring hey oh my book to the blue load eh oh um anyways yeah they want to they want to cancel the shoots through tuesday march 31st the association noted how numerous states, including California, a hub for the porn industry, have called for non-essential businesses to shut down amid the pandemic.

Non-essential? I don't know. Porn is pretty essential in this country. You ever see what's spent on it? Christy, get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your asshole. Phil Collins' solo career. We ask that all members of the adult industry stay home as much as possible,

leaving the house only for necessities, you know, like two-headed dildos and sticks of butter and sewing kits. We all must do our part to flatten the growth curve of this global pandemic. We all must do our part to flatten the growth curve of this global pandemic. In a follow-up letter to the industry, members on Monday, FSC Executive Director Michelle LeBlanc said her organization is brainstorming. Oh, I'd love to see porn girls brainstorming. Brainstorming ways to fucking kidnap runaways and put them in bathing suits and have them reamed by guys with giant fucking spleefs. Brainstorming ways to support workers during the requested shutdown. So you porn fans, you know, you're going to have to go to the cam girls.

You know what I mean? Either that or drug up your niece, you know, Pam. Throw her in a fucking crib. And action! What's going on here? Go! Go! Anthony! Shama! Go! Go! Go!

21-year-old Spanish soccer coach was killed by the coronavirus while also battling leukemia. This is a misleading headline. You're lying. I fucking hate this headline. And you're a piece of shit. The coach, listen to this. You want to have a bad day?

You guys think you feel bad? Listen to this poor guy. Francisco Garcia, a youth team coach at Malaga Club, Atletico Portada, Alta, only received his cancer diagnosis after going to the hospital with the symptoms of the coronavirus the coach had been advised to seek medical help after he began experiencing trouble breathing garcia was told that not only did he have both the coronavirus and pneumonia it gets better folks but he was also suffering from leukemia

Jesus can you imagine that's horrible you can tell it was a tragedy by the music I'm playing Pep Bueno let me translate that for you non-Spanish speaking that's Pep Good who the club president of Eléctrico Porta La Alta,

where Garcia previously trained, said she received a call from the hospital Sunday that Garcia was in stable condition. But within an hour, he was informed that his health had greatly deteriorated. I do not believe it. It seems impossible, he Bueno said. Talk about. But that's what the coronavirus does. Who does it attack?

Old people. And if it doesn't attack old people, who else does it kill? People with underlying health conditions. And that's what this poor man. How did you find that you got corona pneumonia and leukemia when's the last time you had a checkup Garcia is the youngest person to die from the virus in

Malaga where the four other deaths were also patients over the age of 70 years old my god go ahead Russ he didn't die from the virus he died from leukemia pneumonia yes but the headline says killed by corona. But he doesn't get the coronavirus.

He just has pneumonia and leukemia, right? That put the finishing touches on him. You know what I'm saying? It's like a guy running with a football. Two guys get him around the legs you come in clean up the mess with a nice forearm shave it over the head what a bad day at the doctor's on my goodness gracious hell o'ease finally tonight ladies and gentlemen uh tennessee man sitting on almost uh

18 000 bottles of hand sanitizer says he's doing a public service. I have mixed emotions about this one, though. So he hoarded a bunch of, he bought 18,000 bottles of hand sanitizer. Amazon and eBay have banned him and other resellers over price gouging on cleaning products and face masks. But he's sitting on 18,000. I think your brain is going soft. Look at him there. He's just an entrepreneur trying to gouge a few people. Brothers Matt and Noah Calvin admitted in a New York Times interview that they bought up all the

hand sanitizer and antibacterial wipes that they could find across Tennessee and Kentucky after the first U.S. coronavirus deaths was reported on March 1st with the intent to resell them at a profit as public panic around the COVID-19 kicked in. They cleaned out small shops and dollar stores as well as Walmart, Staples, Home Depot, and began listing the items on Amazon at a substantial markup. The backlash to the interview grew so severe, however, that they've now donated their goods even as the state's attorney general's office opens an investigation he's matt says it was crazy money he told the times last we're revealing his first 300 bottles of hand sanitizer sold out for between eight dollars and seventy

dollars a piece almost immediately multiples of the prices he had paid for, right? He also sold 2,050 packs of face masks on eBay for 40 to 50, sometimes higher, 40 to $50 a pack for 10. Ooh, Corona, Corona. My Corona, when you gonna give me some? Running down the length of my Corona. 40 to 50 dollars in fact the story notes that colvin a former air force technical sergeant derives a six-figure income from selling nike sneakers pet toys and trending products on amazon but amazon pulled his items and thousands of other listings for hand sanitizers, face masks, and wipes to combat price gouging.

eBay followed soon afterward, going as far as to ban all U.S. sales of face masks and hand sanitizer on its platform. So now the Colvin brothers have a garage filled with 17,000, 1,700 bottles of a sanitizer. And you blew it you blew it with venues for selling uh with venues for selling them closed off even as millions of their fellow americans are frustrated in their attempts to get their hands on such items and hospitals are rationing stuff like face masks and stuff now here's my thing all right? I'm trying to figure out what the law is, unless they pass laws during emergencies that say you can't, you know what I mean?

But otherwise, he's taking a risk. It could have went belly up. Nobody could have bought him. I said, fuck you, that's too, I'm just saying. And he makes the argument there's a lot of rural places where they can't get stuff like this, but they could get them from him on Amazon.

So I know the average titmouse out there is going to go, he's fucking gouging. People are dying. But I want to know what the law is. I could have Googled it, but who has that kind of time? The fuck? This isn't Meet the Press. You know what I'm saying? He's been an entrepreneur yes i ethically wrong to gouge during

more you can make that argument but i'm just saying and why does amazon i understand they have the right to kick them off but you can't shut them down completely okay i don't know uh anyways so uh yeah he says there's a crushing, overwhelming demand in certain cities right now where they can't get shit like this. That's what he said. And to that, some of the people online said, don't give me that smart-alecky shit. He says, fuck you in America. I'm trying to turn a profit here. Nice.

the times has since reported in a following follow-up piece calvin has donated two-thirds of his stockpile to a local church to be distributed across the state while the tennessee attorney's general's office took the other third to be distributed to their counterparts across kentucky the colvin certainly aren't the only ones who saw the coronavirus as a business opportunity listen to this ohio truck driver named eric who did not provide his last name reportedly told the paper that he had snapped up 10 000 face masks at retail stores he paid about 20 for each 10 pack and sold most of them for 80 dollars with some priced at 125 he said supply and Supply and demand, motherfuckers. Estimating, he made between $35,000 and $40,000 in profit.

Oh, my goodness. Oh, that dirty cocksucker. So, yes, morally, ethically questionable behavior. Should there be a law against it? I don't know. It's a free market, man. How bad do you need that mask? Grampy's coughing up green shit in the bathroom.

$125 for sanitizer. Don't look that bad. Nick, are you condoning this? Well, I'm kind of a capitalist. I'm not saying the guy's a nice fella, but what about those people in those cities that couldn't get it? Oh, Nick, fuck you. No, fuck you.

That is it, ladies and Gentiles. Don't forget, let me remind you one more time, this show is free now, Monday through Thursday, as of a couple weeks ago, which means we rely on you and your contributions. So please, and if you're watching YouTube, subscribe, just hit that button. You can also go to patreon.com. If you want to sign up monthly, you get an extra story. You get to ask me questions

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All right. Finally, cameo.com. Go to cameo.com. Go to cameo.com. I will send the personal video message that I will make on my phone, roasting one of your friends or relatives, saying happy birthday to Uncle Pete who's in prison. Anything you want. I can make or break their day.

Cameo.com. Click on the DePaulo profile. You can tell me a little about the person that I will roast for you. That is it. You guys, remember, you think it, I'll say it. You're very welcome. We'll see you back here tomorrow, same time. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. guitar solo I'm out.