The Nick DiPaolo Show - Trump Booted From IL Ballot | Nick Di Paolo Show #1534

Episode Date: February 29, 2024

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about Trump booted again, Mitch out, Richard Lewis gone and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 Watch your fat fucking mouth. All right. How are you, folks? Welcome. Final day of the week here on a Thursday for you. Don't forget, next week we've got a couple of good interviews. The great, the great Vince Caratola, John Sacramone of the Sopranos. It was a great interview.

He's as funny and as angry as fucking anybody I've ever met. And he's great. And he's smart. And Jimmy Florentine, who's sort of making a little bit of national news because of his gig being canceled along with three other comics. Again, they're all on Tommy's roster. So the Gutfeld talked about it last night on his show, and somebody else talked.

And I'm sitting home going, how does this happen? And I'm happy for Jimmy and all these. I'm happy for any comics. But I'm like, how do I avoid these landmines? When I was stepping all over them nobody gave a fuck I've been getting canceled for years since I started working with Tommy he you know theaters down south kind of fucking shying away and no what do I have to call up and blow my own horn and go hey I'm the fucking one I'm the one that's saying this shit. I don't care. I know if it sounds conceited.

I've got to blow my own horn. Because I've been flying under the radar forever. They were so scary, I guess they didn't take me serious. They thought I was fucking, you know. I was saying this shit years ago. And I'm sitting here going to my room. I go, how the fuck? I can blame one thing on myself.

I think when I got punched in the eye by that fucking broad sucker punched after the show, I think it was right around the time that Tucker Carlson started his show on Fox, which was being recorded in New York at the time. I'm not sure. I got to line up the dates. And he asked me to come on,

but I don't think it was specifically for that. And again, like an idiot, because it was my first week at serious radio who ended up fucking me in the uh that's what i'm saying i'm always picking the wrong doors doing the fuck making the wrong decision it's like fucking uh let's make a deal when there's been a there's been a hundred fucking curtains and i've picked 99 i'm'm always like avoiding the spotlight by accident. Now when I get thrown out of that bar in Dallas, I guess I should have fucking called somebody and said, I got a story for you.

You know? I don't know. I don't like to toot my own horn and shit, but Jesus Christ, give me a little limelight. The only thing that's looking good is we're at like 517 ticket-wise two months before a gig,

which is excellent, and that's fine with me. If I can do 600, 700 seats at theaters for the next year or so, that's fine. Otherwise, bye-bye. Enough. I'll sit home and write for people and not have to get on a fucking plane. And maybe I'll fly to Dallas for the next couple of years because I have a blast. And I'm in first class and I get a yank from the fucking male flight attendant, big fag. Anyhow, let's get to it. Trump booted by black female judge. What a racist country when every other judge is a black woman, huh? So racist and sexist and

white, right? White hierarchy and paternalistic, whatever the fuck they call it, patriarchy. But yet every, it used to be in the 70s, you'd see black judges, male and female, on TV and TV roles. But once again, the late, great Greg Zook, my buddy, who was a cop and went undercover at these Aryan meetings in Florida in the 80s. And those fucking Klansmen or whatever you'd want to call them, the real right-wing,

yeah, they were Aryan guys, saying that they would go, the Jews are going to have their end judges and their end this and that. Sorry. They were right on the money. I don't condone that language. Folks, you know that.

Unless I'm in my bedroom by myself. An Illinois judge announced late Wednesday that former President Trump has been removed from the state's 2024 Republican presidential primary ballot, citing his role in the January 6, 2021 capital rights. You know, the one where he didn't get charged for insurrection? So he's up for an indictment. He didn't get charged for insurrection. The other one, the fraud one, where they said he inflated the value of Mar-a-Lago. Everybody does that.

The banks didn't fucking file a suit. There was no crime there. And I got to believe this broad knows better because already three states have tried it. And at this point, it's performance art. It's just letting you know where they stand. And you're sick. You're people on the left.

Cook County, they had to blow that up. Fucking Illinois. Cook County Circuit Judge Tracy Porter, again, sounds like a defensive back for the Eagles, county they had to blow that up fucking illinois cook county circuit judge tracy porter again sounds like a defensive back for the eagles barred trump from the illinois ballot one month after the anti-trump challenge was dismissed by the illinois state board of elections illinois goes to the polls march uh 19th look at her she's fucking whiter than I am. At least in the next picture, I think. I think your brain is going soft. Shut up.

Look at her. She's adorable. Smack her right in the face. Illinois is now the third state where Trump was booted from the ballot after Colorado and Maine. Furthermore, you can all go fuck yourselves. Well said. But those decisions were paused pending the appeal of the Colorado case to the U.S. Supreme Court, which we already took care of, right? Didn't it go to the? Yeah. And they said, go fuck yourself. So, again, this is performance art or some form of it.

Can you imagine? But like somebody said in an article, that they are so sure that Trump's going to win. They are so sure that Trump's going to win. I don't care who the nominee is. They're so sure that he's going to win that they're doing crazy shit. I mean, just anybody with a legal mind looks at it and goes, what? Especially the insurrection thing. You know nobody was charged with insurrection, like officially? You think you people in D.C. have stayed too long in your little fucking bubble? You know nobody was charged with insurrection, like officially? You think you people in DC have stayed too long in your little fucking bubble?

Thank God Mitch McConnell's leaving. Got that story coming up, that jerk off. Took three strokes on camera before he said, yeah, I'll shut it down. That's what he looks like, an owl with a fucking necktie on want to hear a great line from i was reading some article and they were quoting comedians these are like young guys most of them that i've never heard of but uh asking if you could steal one joke from another comedian what would it be and it of course a tell one of the tells was in there that i had never heard a tell goes you know how love owls? I think owls are like the most beautiful things on the planet. David Tell goes, doesn't an owl look like a lawyer for a parrot?

That is so goddamn funny. Oh, my God. So funny funny motherfucker. God, I half shaved today. Have I do that? Probably not. What am I asking you for? Bearded lady over here. It was all fucking white.

I like when I, before it came white, I would let it come in. Bro, I used to like that. But now I go like this. And it looks like sawdust on my shirt. That's sick. I'll be shaving my ass soon. What? Let's move on. I got nothing.

Thanks for nothing, speaking of nothing. That's the headline of this one. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. What are they, racing 18 wheelers? This is crazy. Look at them. There's the owl in the suit. Oh, I left my chin in the men's room.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, there he is, announced on Wednesday that his current term as Senate GOP leader will be his last. That will be coming up this fall. I was thinking, oh, we got another year of him. But no, this is like in November. He's saying, ah, ah, ah. As Senate GOP leader will be his last in there. To me, he's the perfect example of somebody who stayed in D.C. as a career politician.

I think he had good intentions when he came in under Reagan or whatever the fuck. And you know what I mean? But with each year, he was given in to the fucking left and all that shit to the point where he won't even talk about the fentanyl crisis pouring over the border because he has something to do with making money in China. Look at him. He has to know.

I'm predicting, I said to Dallas before the show, he's one of those guys that when he retires finally he's going to drop dead like fucking within weeks because it's all he's got. And his fucking Asian wife. I don't say that angrily. Department of Energy.

What the fuck? What? I don't even know how he got a girlfriend. You've got to say he's a good politician, though. To last that long? Because he's stepped. He has sidestepped a lot of landmines in his career.

So he's a good, but not in a good way that we want. He's not full of people. He's full of shit. Anyways, his last role. But he plans to remain in the post until Senate Republicans tap someone else in November. And that figure takes the helm in January.

So yeah. Bye-bye, dickhead. That's right. The lawmaker who has served as either Senate minority or Senate majority leader since 1858 has been serving as a U.S. senator since 1985. That's when I started following politics, when Reagan stepped in. Well, no, actually,

Jimmy Carter. I remember going, this guy sucks. And I was in high school. He's actually the nicest guy in the world, but a terrible president. He's still alive, by the way. Somebody should be doing a movie on this. Who goes into hospice for like a year or more? He really, for a religious guy, he doesn't want to meet the big man. Does he? Remember they brought him out for his wife's funeral? Oh my God, he looked like he was a wax. But while he plans to relinquish the reins of leadership,

listen to this, he indicated that he will continue to serve as a lawmaker, which means a senator. His term ends in early 2000 and 27. He ain't going to make that. Say he's sick. Get it all up, Mitch.

Bye-bye. Hey, in the second half of the show, what will I be talking about, folks? For you people who are on Mug Club, a higher-up in the CCP, that's a Chinese Communist Party, admits their best weapon against the United States. Comes right out and says it. Also, a big-name lefty on CNN actually surprised me and showed some balls by stepping up as far as the Iran, excuse me, as far as the Israel, you know, Hamas debate. It was pretty unexpected. That's exclusively on Mug Club, folks. Well, where do we get that, Nick? You go to nickdip.com and sign up on Mug Club.

It'll be the best thing you do. There are a lot of podcasts out there, most of them about women's shoes and spatulas and gardening and shit, but there's only about five that make money. Mine's one of them, and it's Crowder's. Well, I'm under Crowder's helm now, but, you know, Joe Rogan is the king. And whatever the fuck,

whoever else you like, Bert Kreischer. Why am I saying that? I don't know. I fucking can't wait to get out of here today. Hey, boys and girls, head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, T-shirts, hoodies, and more. It's yet another way for you to support the show and look sexy at the same time. You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nick-a-shirts. Just go to nickdip.com

and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com. Click on store. Thank you guys so much. See you soon. Let's move on. Wait a minute. Oh, we showed video. We did, right? What am I talking about right now? What story? Oh, I thought. Oh, it's still... I thought I ended it. Former President Donald Trump endorsed McConnell. Oh, I bet you he's proud of that. I was drunk. I'm sorry, you're right. Video, let's take a look.

This is Mitch showing you the charisma that he has. But one of life's most underappreciated talents... Is that his wife behind him? ...is to know... Asian broadener late hundreds? ...when it's time to move on to life's next chapter. Your next chapter is six feet under, Frank. I stand before you today, Mr. President, and my colleagues...

And I fart-noshed. ...to say this will be my last term as... As president and human being. I don't feel good. I really... I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. However, I'll complete my job. Listen to that anti-gay.

My colleagues have given me until we select a new leader in November, and they take the helm. The helm. January. He looks nice, though. Since the strokes, he's lost some weight. Bye-bye. What do you give him under over on staying alive after he steps down?

Well, that depends. Steps down from he's still a senator, so he still has that kicking. So I will say. That's true. That's a good one. You know what I mean? So I think that it happens after his term ends. I'd give him a year after his term. All right. That's a good one. You know what I mean? So I think that it happens after his term ends. I'd give him a year after his term.

All right. That's pretty good. Somebody write that down? I think that might be his wife behind him. It might not be. I thought she was actually a good-looking Asian woman. I was surprised. Anyways, my only regret is that McConnell,

oh, this is Trump talking about when he endorsed him. Trump said, my only regret, I can't do him. It's getting worse. My only regret is that McConnell begged for my strong support and endorsed, this might be the first time Trump ever admitted he was wrong, right? Ever? An endorsement before the great people of Kentucky in the 2020 election, and I gave it to him. I endorsed him, Trump said in a statement calling McConnell a dour, sullen, and unsmiling political hack who will never do what needs to be done or what is right for the country, which is true. He hasn't for the last 20 years. He's quietly slipping in with the globalists and has been absolutely horrible.

Trump, the guy's on his deathbed. He's a hack. Nobody can. By the way, Trump and Biden are at the border, different sections of the border. Did you hear where? Yeah. Eagle Pass is where Trump is. And the other guy, Brownsville, which they'll clean up.

Well, what's interesting is Brownsville was one of the places that actually benefited from Trump's border stuff. Yes. Which is why there's not a lot of illegal stuff happening. Plus, they'll clean it up even more and go, what problem? I love that Trump's showing up. He should just shadow this fucking, wherever jerk-off goes. He should be in the crowd.

Could they stop him? Could they fucking stop him? If he was in the crowd heckling? Like a fucking drunk? Oh my God, it would be tremendous. Anyhow, speaking of drunks, the late, well, he's late now, late, great, Richard Lewis died yesterday or whatever, the day before, I don't know what day it is. He was aging at mock speed, by the way, because he was a heavy drinker and had drug

problems, like a lot of good comics, and every time I saw him at Curb, I'd go, he's getting more and more sick. And he lived a hard, you know, as far as booze and shit. That's what staying in hotel rooms will do to you by yourself in Milwaukee for a week at a time. But he had a great career. Richard Lewis, the comic and star.

He's not the star. He's fucking one of the stars. Larry's the star. He's not the star. He's fucking one of the stars. Larry's the star. Fucking, these are AI written. You can tell. Curb Your Enthusiasm has died at the age of 21. Look at him. He's horrible.

No. Bye-bye. 76. And he does have my favorite, one of my favorite, if not my favorite, I've told it on here because i've told everybody you gotta be my age to appreciate it because the reference is to a guy named fred travolina who was a d-list celebrity in the 70s he was like a poor man's rich little he was an impressionist his name was always a punchline fred travolina. But the bit was him talking

about, like, back in the 80s, the boxing was going through a stage where referees were jumping in too soon. People were complaining and stopping the fights too soon. And he goes, it was so bad. I'm watching the fight the other night. And this guy gets knocked down. He goes back to his corner. And the

referee goes over to check on him and goes, who's Fred Travolina? And he goes, I don't know. He goes, fights off. Fights off. Again, if you're my age, that should have tickled your funny bone. That is a brilliant fucking. That, and then he's talking about, maybe it's in the clip. I won't even give it away.

Remind me of a Stephen King joke. Anyways, they passed away in Los Angeles, California, home after suffering a heart attack on Tuesday. And everybody in the comments, because the article said he passed away peacefully, and then it said he had a heart attack. That's how you know it's AI. People in the comments are going, really?

Yeah. One guy goes, I had a heart attack. It's the worst pain you could ever feel. Which one is it? People getting all angry online. I fucking love that shit. It makes me laugh. But yeah, he had, you know what, Parkinson's diagnosed a few years ago.

And that, I didn't really know this, that weakens the heart. And eventually it causes heart disease. And so he had a heart attack a couple nights ago. And that, I didn't really know this, that weakens the heart. And eventually it causes heart disease. And so he had a heart attack a couple nights ago. I've never had pains like this before. Oh, this is the worst one I ever had, son. Lewis announced last April, and by the way, he would appreciate that. If you're a comic, like I said, at my fucking funeral, if you guys aren't making dick jokes and fucking, you know, don't come.

Lewis announced last April that he had been diagnosed with Parkinson's disease and was retiring from stand-up comedy. In 2021, Lewis announced that he would only appear in one episode of Curb, season 11, due to experiencing pain during filming. He returned for the show's 12th and final season, which premiered earlier this month on HBO. The series finale is set to air on April 7th. I guess there was an episode, I think it was last week that aired, where him and Larry are arguing about putting them in each other's will or putting Larry, and he says, I'm going to outlive you or whatever. Kind of creepy, no? Known for his neurotic, self-deprecating style of comedy, Lewis made his acting debut in

1979's Diary of a Young Comic, a Showtime comedy special, Um, in Plain, followed in 85 as he did multiple HBO comedy specials, I'm Exhausted, was in 88, I'm Doomed, 1990, and Richard Lewis, The Magical Misery Tour in 1997. Lewis is also known for co-starring with Jamie Lee Curtis in the sitcom Anything But Love. I think it was a hit and she quit like right in the middle of it. As well as short-lived roles in Daddy Dearest and Hiller and Diller. His other film credits included Robin Hood, Men in Tights, Drunks, Leaving Las Vegas, Hugo Poole, and Drunks again they put. They went nuts in the comments on that one, too.

He survived by his wife, Joyce. Here's a quick clip. He's an erotic Jewish guy. That was his hook. And, you know, not everybody got it, I'm sure, from Chicago in the Midwest. But if you had a sense of humor, you did. I don't care where you were from. Because it was all about being depressed and guilt, all that shit.

And it's funny. From Boston. I fucking got it ahead I had to go in the car. I never saw this before I go in the ad lib was and they closed the door and he had like a on the visor had a picture of himself Like escaping from a Turkish priest talking about a cab drive Middle Eastern cab driver, and there's no meter. There's no meter in the car I'm freaked out. Oh my god. I'm gonna die. It's gonna be an assassination kind of thing. And he had a little chalkboard. He had a chalkboard in the front. And we're driving. It's like only a mile, you know, from anywhere here. And I'm going, how much is it gonna cost me? You know, and the guy was like, he wouldn't talk to me. And while we're driving, he's going, he's like erasing everything. It's 85 cents. It's $1.95.

It's $1.95. I couldn't find his, his, I wanted to show a couple of clips, but his setups are so frigging long. But he, he was like, he could really add lib and he worked off the cuff.

Kind of. He did get himself all lathered up in this depression. What's the Stephen King one. Oh, this. Thank you very much. Good going producer. Let's see.

Well, he's talking about movie. You know, I'm already paranoid. I don't, you know, Stephen King, he's a horror specialist, and his stuff scares me. You know, he's got a book out now called It.

He goes, I'm laying in the bedroom the other night going, Jesus, there might be a pronoun in the basement. I mean, great comic. And then I read the comments after the article, and people just don't know anything about comedy. He was the worst, never said anything funny, legend my ass, and buh, buh, buh, fucking, ugh, you know, these are the people that think Carrot Top was the fuck. It's just horrible.

They wouldn't know the difference between me and fucking Gallagher, too. It's just the most subjective thing. But take it from me that I do it for a living. I know a little bit more. He was a great comic. Kind of an asshole, but great comic. Anyhow, for those of you

on Mug Club, stick around for the second half of the show. Everyone else, go to nickdip.com and join to get my full show, Steven Crowder's full show, and a whole lot more. And while you're there, get tickets to see me live. Yeah, the tickets, look, over 500 already. We got a couple months to go, and most of my fans buy on the week of.

Most comics fans do. Cal Pacey Theater, May 11th, Red Bank, New Jersey. Be there. Thank you, New Jersey and other people. People drive from fucking, it's crazy. You've seen. We've had people drive five hours. One guy, they said they flew from San Francisco.

Where was I? I was somewhere down. I go, bullshit, you're visiting somebody. I'm telling you. Okay, you say so. It's very flattering, though. I appreciate it. Although I wear a frown And I'm not gonna take it all lying down Cause once I get started I go to town

Cause I'm not like everybody else, no no I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else And I don't wanna live my life like everybody else And I don't wanna be destroyed like everybody else And I don't wanna get a job like everybody else Cause I'm not like everybody else I see you singing, what are you?

I'm not like everybody else