The Nick DiPaolo Show - Trump Clinches Nomination! | Nick Di Paolo Show #1540

Episode Date: March 13, 2024

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about Trump clinching, a Kiss-cam, Measles and much more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 I guess the turkey doesn't fall far from the faggot's ass. Hey, a little early in the show for that, no? Stop talking about me that way. The danger sits away to Christopher. How are you, folks? Good to be with you on a Wednesday. Holy shit. Ripping right through March.

I know. What the fuck? Mid-March, end of the week. Remind me I have an anniversary on Friday. Okay. Because I ain't going to. You guys, you have no idea. I'm saying you're not lucky I'm here.

I just, again, I'm 62. My prostate's the size of an NBA basketball. And 4.30, I had to piss this morning. All my life, I've been laughing at these commercials, guys having to piss in the middle of the night. I mean, I've had prostate problems when you get in your 30s. But it never struck me in the middle of the night. As soon as I've had prostate problems when you get in your 30s. But it never struck me in the middle of the night. As soon as I made fun of those commercials.

Anyways, cut to 4.30, I get up to pee. Go back to bed. I might as well have done eight lines of blow. Staring at the fucking ceiling, tossing and goddamn turning. So what do you do when you can't pick up your phone? That's brilliant. Because we know the light from the phone helps you.

Anyways, cut to 7.30. I'm still awake and almost ready to cry. I wake up. I reach over. My alarm goes off. I hit it, thinking I hit the snooze fucking thing,

right, which gives you 10 more minutes or whatever the fuck. No, that's when I did my only sleeping last night from 9 to 5 or 10 this morning and I'm usually working on gut fell shit at 9 and So puts me behind the eight ball and I'm just saying I'm a trooper for showing up I was this I text I I told Dallas I had a text saying Do a best up today because my head was pounding. I took to fucking Advil and

Anytime I have to motivate myself, I fall on the lines of, I go to one of the greatest philosophers all the time, Rocky Balboa. It's not how many times you get knocked out, it's how many times you get up. Baby killers, you know that vile crap? Well, the shit you've been through,

you just keep getting up. Yes, good point. 62, that's not possible. It's not possible. I say that, then I have a 28-year-old waitress go, you're fucking old. I guess it is possible. All right, folks, I guess I've jerked off enough.

Coffee, eighth cup. All this is going to do is wire me until about six o'clock tonight. I'll take an 11-minute nap during Brett Baer's show. Anyways, I'm on a bad cycle. I'm going to a dog. Something. I know my old man.

He never talked about not being able to sleep, but I know that's what... There's no doubt it leads to dementia. No fucking doubt. Biden's probably been snorting his son's shit. That's why his brain is fried. Let's get on with it. Where are we?

What are we doing? Big news for people who like reality. Trump clenches. Mr. Trump last night clenched the 2024 Republican nomination for president, eclipsing the 1,215 delegate threshold. Did anybody even know that? After wins in the Georgia, Mississippi, and Washington state primaries. So that's a good thing. I am your voice. Apparently, you're the only voice out there. Can you imagine this guy never took the fucking, the ex-commander-in-chief is also expected to win Hawaii's GOP caucus,

which was held Tuesday. What's it, two Republicans in Hawaii? That place makes L.A. look like Alabama. Trump, 77, dominated the GOP primaries and caucuses, losing only one state, Vermont. You know Vermont. Yeah, there you go. And the District of Columbia. That's not even a state. How about that? That's a district. That's what I say. And Vermont's barely a state. There's 11 people in it, 400 cows,

and a couple of Grateful Dead fans, and Bernie, dirty Jew fuck. And the District of Columbia to former South Carolina governor, I have no tits, Nikki Haley. He kicked off the 2024 presidential primary and caucus cycle with eight straight victories, topping the Boston Bruins last season, who went 14-0-1 between January 15th and March 2nd. Commander-in-Chief hardly showed his face, did a couple rallies. Trump trounced the GOP field without ever stepping foot on a debate stage. The guy's... Another indicator.

Exactly. He's just smart, though. I mean, you guys might think he's adult. There's a bit of genius in there. All the people surround... Whatever. I don't care. He's got his shit together this time.

Remember that. He's not a novice this time around. Again, if he of genius in there. All the people surround, whatever. I don't care. He's got his shit together this time. Remember that. He's not a novice this time around. Again, if he's not in jail. He's not a novice. He's already cleaned house at the RNC. I'm digressing. He already cleaned house at the RNC, like a bunch of people, like 60 people. He's surrounding himself with family and shit like that.

Refusing to participate in, I like how they word it, refusing to participate in any of the five Republican National Committee sanctioned forum. Why would he? He's a little busy. Exactly. Yeah, he's in court one day, then he's in a helicopter flying to do a rally,

and then he's headed to a UFC fight. Meanwhile, Biden's soaking his teeth and taking a dump in his pants. The presumptive, yes, sir. As you can see, he's already had a round at it. Everyone knows what to expect. There's no time wasting, you know, no point in wasting time debating when you don't have to. That's right. I told my wife that. That was an abortion. The presumptive GOP nominee now enters the general election phase of his presidential campaign, facing 91 felony counts. That's two less than Biggie Smalls.

But with support of nearly 80% of the Republican public. 80%. When was the Republican Party that unified? Huh? 80. The GOP. That was Hillary on her way to church with his first

criminal trial slated to start in Manhattan on March 25th where he faces 34 charges related to alleged hush money

pay. How is that possible? 34 charges. You either fucking paid hush money or you did. What are the... To porn star Stormy

Daniels, who I'd still fuck, Trump will likely be forced to juggle his general election campaign schedule. Yeah, that's an understatement. Along with courtroom appearances. Oh, by the way, I'm watching Sopranos. I know I have to inject every... I'm just sorry. Uncle Junior's on trial for his life

and there's a sketch artist in the courtroom so he puts on the local news that night and they show the sketch artist picture and he gets furious. He goes, what the fuck kind of light this is at? Then the next day he's in court. The artist is behind him. He turns

the whole fucking, he's not even listening to the judge, staring at the artist like this. And the guy, the artist had like sweat right here. Oh, God. I can't tell you how much I love that guy. Trump also had impending state and federal trials in Georgia and Washington, D.C. Related to allegations. Stop with the wind.

Related to allegations that he interfered in the 2020 presidential election, even though all shit's coming out right now about the January 6th committee that's disproving half of this shit. Related to allegations that he interfered in the 2020 presidential election and another federal trial in Florida over his handling of classified documents after his presidency. Meanwhile, we found out this week Biden had shit in like eight different places. It is fucking, this is just priceless. I can't, for the life of me, see. Well, I'll say it again.

There's only one way to stop him. And, you know, a la Lincoln, Kennedy, I don't like it. I mean, it makes me fucking nervous, but you know, whatever. Another part of me says, you know what, Biden will be dead before him. Do you want natural causes, or do you want a car falling down four flights of stairs

at the White House natural cause, with Jill at the top going, anyway, so yeah, Trump clenched, I'm guessing that means he's going to pick a running mate, right now, he's got a fucking, I read today, real quick, I couldn't believe what I was reading, RFK Jr. is talking about picking his running mates. Listen to this, folks, and I'm not fucking shitting here. Aaron Rodgers, which is brilliant, because Aaron Rodgers thinks just like JFK, RFK, excuse me.

They're sort of similar, very similar, and same with Jesse Ventura is the other one, who is, again, kind of a libertarian or whatever the fuck you want to call him. Cuckoo. I mean, I would go with Aaron Rodgers. Rodgers finishes the game on Sunday and then shows up in his jersey for the rally.

Yeah. Yeah. It'll be in the... He probably shows up with it in a leg brace. I'm not going to... I gave... Well, I wrote a great joke for somebody that should be used tonight. I'm not going to... I gave... Well, I wrote a great joke for somebody that should be used tonight. I'm going to throw my fucking

Timberlands through the TV if this joke doesn't get on tonight. Oh, help me, Nick. And the second half of the show, boys and girls, I'll be telling you about the death of a whistleblower. It has something to do with the airline industry. They're calling it a suicide.

Now, if you change that to a verb, suicided, then it becomes the truth of it. Yeah. No, he committed suicide just like Epstein did. And also, I'll be telling you about how it's definitely 1984 in Canada. And I don't mean 1984 as in 30 years ago, 40 years, how many years ago was that? 40? A while back. 40?

I don't know. But Trudeau passed something that's in writing that would put a chill through anybody's ass. I don't care if it's Canada. Unbelievable. That's exclusively on Mug Club, so join now to get that. Where do you do that? You do it at nickdip.com, of course. Right after you, you know, jump off of fucking, you know what, U-Point.

Hey, boys and girls, head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, T-shirts, hoodies, and more. It's yet another way for you to support the show and look sexy at the same time. You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nick-a-shirts. Just go to nickdip.com and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com. Click on store. Thank you guys so much.

See you soon. Alright. No! No! No! No! Take it easy. In our FLA segment tonight, we got two of these, by the way, in the show. I spread them out for you. Florida is the gift that keeps on giving. It's like herpes.

It never goes away. A couple in the stands of a recent – let me tell you something. If I met this girl tonight, well, I'm married. I'd just say hi to her. Say, honey, this is a sense of humor. A couple in the stands of a recent Florida Panthers. By the way, Florida Panthers are the team that eliminated my Boston Bruins in one of the biggest upsets in history last year in the playoffs in the first round.

Do you know they have the best record in hockey this year? Which is kind of good for the Bruins. That means we won't have to face them. Turnabout fair play. Yeah, exactly. But that scares me because they weren't that. They were the last team to make it into the playoffs last year, and they made it all the way to the finals.

So they're really good, I guess. Anyways, leave it to me to be talking about sports after a girl does this. Recent Florida Panthers game has gone viral after one of the kids on, you know, Kiss Cam did a raunch. You know what Kiss Cam is, folks. Unless you live under the rock, it's exactly what the Kiss Cam is. If you do live on the rock,

it involves camera at a game, a live game, usually a sporting event, panning to couples in the crowd during sporting events, and putting them on the jumbotron while encouraging them to kiss. The cam has brought out some of risky moves in recent times, but this one

simply has to take the cake. And this is girls who want a lesson in what guys like, I think. First of all, here's Nick Slant on it. Of course, they did that because you have an interracial couple. I guarantee you the camera guy found them first and somebody at the network said, you got to get that on here. We're trying to up the black audience in the NHL. Anyways, but that's not the couple you want to watch here. This girl is just goddamn funny and deserves a ring around her neck. No, I'm kidding. Play it.

Watch what she does. First, it's a kiss. Remember, it's Florida. Watch what she does. Good for you. Oh, my God. That must have went viral, right? And what's so funny in how old and how bad my eyes are, thank you, Ozempic, the guy in the red hat that she did that to her boyfriend, see the picture we got up right there?

I thought he was wearing a T-shirt of Biden. That's actually a guy sitting in front of him laughing. Fucking losing my shit, man. Can we see that again? I'm an old man. I got a cheap thrill. Because she's, you know, Florida. She's kind of an Adriana from the Sopranos look.

I saw an old lady throw up. That's what guys love. A girl that likes a dirty joke and shit. They said her mother committed suicide. She was watching the game. While the NHL might frown on this, if they're fucking gay, the viral moment could see them attract some new fans. Yeah, dirty horrors.

Given how far hockey lags. Who throws this in here? Probably a black writer. Maybe not, folks. I don't mean to be racist. Given how far hockey lags behind football, basketball, and baseball in the U.S. Yeah. Well, talk to me come playoff time. I hate to give this lecture every year at this time of the year. And you know me, folks. Football's in my blood. I fucking, again, my first love, especially college football. Oh, speaking of that, I voted for Trump yesterday right down the street. Again again best city in the world

I walked six minutes from my house to a church I vote and I forgot once you put the thing in the machine it prints out a thing you bring it over and they I forgot to take the green card out of the computer the old guy called me on it

so I grab and I go good call to the old guy he goes yeah but you'll always be a hockey fan. That's a fucking redneck. He saw, I had my Bruins hat on. Sorry, I didn't explain that. I had my Boston Bruins hat on. He goes, you'll always be a. It's an insult down here.

He probably saw a Yankee, sees me and goes, oh, fucking Yankee. He probably thought I voted for fucking, you know, whoever. Not even. Whatever. It was only one choice. That's my type of voting, by the way. It wasn't a bunch of, you know, fucking district attorney. Just one guy.

Trump. They caught me yanking it, by the way. I squirted it all over the computer screen. Guy goes, you'll always be a hockey fan. That is a southerner. They have this edge to them. He's not the first one. I was sitting on my front steps about a year and a half, two years ago.

Older couple comes by. I'm wearing a Red Sox sweatshirt. He goes, Red Sox, huh? He had the southern accent. He goes, boy, you're far from home, boy. Wow. Still smarts that we whipped your ass. I hate to say that, we, because you guys should have won that one.

Anyways, you know what I'm talking about. We were close. Yeah. No, you were right is what you were. I told you when, this is why Colin Quinn's a genius. During Tough Crowd, we had the blue collar boys on and Foxworthy. And we're making our racial jokes like, you know, me, Norton. And you can see him getting all flustered.

And fucking Colin goes to Foxworthy, relax, relax. You guys were right. National TV. Oh, my God, just beautiful. Anyways, let's move on. Excuse me. Get it? Never blow a homeless guy right before the show. Headline, yay for diversity is the headline.

A team of experts from the United States, a center for disease control. We all know. Why did they say United States? It's an international, anyway. Oh, we have a, it's like the Crips and Bloods. They have franchises all over the world. U.S. CDC and prevention is expected to arrive in Chicago yesterday, actually. This story's a little old, to help local public,

yeah, I didn't get to it yesterday, to help local public health officials manage a measles outbreak. Are you interested in the real story? That looks like Louis C.K. at the beach with me in 1998. That's measles? It's like a red turtleneck. The Chicago Department of Public Health said last week that the city had its first measles case since 2019. I wonder what triggered that. It's the only shit that I've been saying, my late great friend Greg Zook has been saying, anybody who thinks like me politically has been saying

since I'd say about circa 1990 that they'll be bringing diseases over and shit. We didn't know the whole world was coming at once, though. The person is recovering well at home, the department said. The department announced Sunday that there were two unrelated measles cases, which means there are 102, because this is the CDC, among children at migrant shelter in a large warehouse. That's where we're keeping these kids?

Next to a bunch of empty kegs at the Heineken, the city's Pilsen neighborhood. One child has recovered and is no longer infectious, the health department said. The second child is hospitalized but is in good condition. Once you get a six-pack. Two cases were also identified among adults in the shelter, the department said Monday,

bringing the total number of cases in the city to five. And again, if you believe that, you know, five or 500. Again, these people are coming from countries that haven't even cured acne or fucking dandruff. Both of the adults are in stable condition, unfortunately. The CDC, which sends its experts when requested by local authorities, say it has not sent personnel to other recent measles outbreaks. People who aren't vaccinated against the virus can get sick if they breathe in contaminated air or touch a surface. Yeah, or come in contact with an illegal, yes, suck asses that someone

infected with the measles has touched. That's how you can, this is where Shepard Smith would turn to me like he did when I was on Fox once ago. You're the type that has to blame somebody. Yeah. How'd your career go, faggot? It can linger in the area where someone has sneezed or coughed for about an hour or was wearing those shoes from Panama. You hear a lot of this when you go into those shelters. I don't feel good. Translator. Anyways, hey, for those of you guys on Mug Club,

stick around for the second half of this tremendous show. Everyone else, go to nickdip.com and join to get my full show, Steven Crowder's full show, which is like you'll get more news backed up by facts and information than anything you'll see on regular broadcasts or whatever. Also, he has Alex Jones on Fridays, not to mention the Hodge twins, Brian Callen, very funny dude. Anyways, do that.

Also, when you're at nickdip.com, click on my tour dates, as you see. And again, I haven't done stand-up in about seven months. So I don't know which one of these gigs is going to be my first, but you'll be in for a treat. Because nothing's funnier than me trying to remember shit with two scotches of me on stage and just snapping at myself. May 1st and 2nd, Sidesplitters Comedy Club, Tampa, Florida. Haven't been there in a while. They're always good to me.

Going there is like going to New York or Boston. Half the crowd's from Boston, half's from New York. November 2021, last time. Is that right? See that? Of what year, do you know? 1921. Oh, 20.

Did you say that? Tour dates also, May 10th. Two shows at Soul Joe's Comedy Club in Pottstown, PA. Did you ever come to that one? No. No. That's an outdoors thing. It's fucking awesome.

They're sitting on sand like you're at the beach with a tent over it. Although I think they might have another room, I heard. I don't know. That's a lot of fun. May 11th is the big one. Count Basie Theater in Red Bank, New Jersey. Again, that's May 11th.

I'm going to tell you, I'm excited. They send me the ticket count every couple days and two days ago it jumped 14, then last night it jumped another 15 or whatever the fuck. That's from Crowder, me being brilliantly funny on that show. Anyhow, and obviously his 10 zillion followers. I'm just saying. I'm not gonna take it all lying down Cause once I get started, I go to town

Cause I'm not like everybody else No, no I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else And I don't wanna live my life like everybody else And I don't wanna be destroyed like everybody else And I don't wanna get in trouble like everybody else

Cause I'm not like everybody else See you singing, what are you? I'm not like everybody else