The Nick DiPaolo Show - Trump Honors Fallen Heroes | The Nick Di Paolo Show #1926

Episode Date: July 23, 2026

In today's episode Nick talks about Trump Honoring The Fallen, Left Eating It's Own, Rogan's Head Hunting Guest, More Bowl Problems, Headphones On Flights, Jason Alexander Getting Heat and Burger King Desperate! The FULL SHOW is live streaming & FREE-ONLY on Rumble! Join our LIVE CHAT at 6pm ET every Mon-Thu or watch the FULL EPISODE anytime on demand after 7pm ET. Follow my Channel and get notified! https://rumble.com/c/TheNickDiPaoloShow GET TOUR DATES & TICKETS - https://www.nickdip.com/tour NOVEMBER 5TH - The Punchline: ATLANTA, GA NOVEMBER 6TH - Rivers Casino: PHILADELPHIA, PA NOVEMBER 7TH - Soul Joel's: POTTSTOWN, PA MERCH - Grab some mugs, hats, hoodies, shirts, stickers etc… https://shop.nickdip.com/ PERSONAL VIDEO FROM ME – Send someone a personal video from me! Go to https://shoutout.us/nickdipaolo  or www.cameo.com/nickdipaolo SOCIALS/COMEDY- Follow me on Socials or Stream some of my Comedy!  https://nickdipaolo.komi.io/

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There's a showroom in your area where you can get underdust chains. Ready to get started, visit night and day decor.com or call 1-647-692-8602. That's night and day decor.com. Well, hello there. Welcome to the show from the guys. great state of Georgia, Thursday, final day of the week, at least for the show. I know you guys have another day, a lot of years. A lot of you don't. Maybe somebody's unemployed. Years, you know. What I hear from a lot of fans after the live shows or even in the chats or whatever they, this gets them through work and I'm going, God damn. No wonder why GPD, gross

What is it gross product? GDP? Yeah, gross domestic property. No one eye that's down 14 points. You're listening to me cursing in the middle of a fucking, God bless you for doing that though.

I couldn't, boy, when I was selling steak and seafood out of the back of a truck, which will be a chapter, maybe a book in itself, because they had a lot of dirty romance shit in there. That would be having like a steady girlfriend. And

cheating on it with housewives. What? You're named the chapter, Meat Man. I already do. Come on. Look what you're talking about. I was, that was obviously, but I was going to, I'm trying to think of something more provocative,

want to see my meat, or, you know what I mean? That's what I used to get in the door, and it worked because I was very handsome then. I was 20, 21, 22, shredded, full head of hair. And she's like, no, I'm a vegetarian. but I'll take a look. What a boy, what a book that could be.

Again, I tried writing the pilot for it for a sitcom and, like everything else in L.A. It disappeared into the ether. Anyways, welcome to the live lineup where it's free shows all day. And if you want to watch AdFrey, join Rumble Premium. And don't forget to follow my channel 14, CBS

affiliate in Tuckersville. And it sounds like a town, doesn't it? And download the Rumble app. to that'll help you. Today I'll be talking about Trump doing the right thing and honoring the fallen. The left eating its own and it's fun to watch and Rogan makes a startling admission about one of his past guests and another ass virus. It's making people really let it fly naturally because we have, and again, I don't know this, but you're getting your lettuce and shit from Mexico and I gotta believe there's a few angry Mexicans going here.

Touch this. I got this out of a petri dish. My uncle's a scientist. I'm kidding. They don't reach that far. I knew Dallas will be all over now. So that's about it. We'll be chatting about all that stuff.

My Red Sox, God bless them. They had a double-headed. They took the first one yesterday. I think that was the 14th. And then last night, if they won, I might even have it wrong. I think that would have tied the record. I think, but they lost.

anyways. Rangers Suarez, who I didn't feel good about, he hadn't pitched in about three weeks, and they started him, and he was just off, and they got four runs on the top of the first, and then it was one of those nights for the socks, like it was three months ago. Everything they hit was right at people, or it was just one of those fucking nights, and the

Orioles, hey, they've won like eight out of their last ten or whatever, so not to be a shame. What I was disappointed, and it was the fans when the game ended the last out of the second game and it was a loss, give them a round of applause anyways. A streak descended. But you know why? The average American is at about an eighth grade emotional level. Oh, we weren't there.

We wanted to say we were there when they fucking, and they just storm out angry. Come on. Be a fan or not a fan. You know what I'm saying? I miss living in Boston near Fenway and jumped on the tea. Kevin would you want to now? Oh, absolutely. I could punch liberals in their face all day.

Fucking walk into a store and slap a lady. What was that for? I know how you think. You got a mustache. You can't. Yeah, Com Ave. And then Newbury Street was so-called, that's like Fifth Avenue. The poor man's Fifth Avenue. Through all the nice boutique shops are and boutique. How do you say it?

Yeah, boutique. Who am I uncle, junior? Guy walks into a bedroom with a duck under his arm. What's that joke? Can I watch one and duck under the... No, woman. Look at me. I'm like a 90-year-old lady trying to tell a joke. I'll think of it later. Wow. You guys know any good nursing homes around the Savannah area? What else? That's about it. I took oxycodone last night.

Not because of the pain. I just wanted to see if it made me drowsy. And my wife goes, oh, that'll make you drowsy. So I took it, and I took that at about 11.30. Cut to me. It's cool. I'm watching my girl Stacy RPG reacting to a fucking, excuse me, to a E-L-O song and Fat Bottom girls. I can't help it. She's just stunning. And not stunning, like I said, not like a model stunning, like stunning, not next door but close. Very exciting.

You know what I'm saying? Why don't I, you know what? I'll send you a picture and we can get this over with, and I go home to a gunshot in my kitchen. kitchen. Can't even compliment, you know. And I'm like, don't you fucking like anybody? She never, you know, other than Tony Danza, who's fucking 106.

That was my wife's fucking crush. That and Rick Springfield. And I was nice enough when I had a TV show with Artie Lang, the Nick and Artie show, Simulcast on Direc.

Excuse me, on direct TV. We had him as a guest. And I, like a good husband, had my wife come to the fucking, you know. And he performed. Jesse's girl. My wife's two feet away. I got a picture of her with a big smile on her face. If I did that with Stacey R.P.G, I get a fucking poison dart in the neck.

And it was the last time she smiled. Well, you got that right. Look what she comes home to. Matter of fact, she doesn't, look what she doesn't leave the house. Look what she has to face it. She hasn't smiled sin. Yeah, Rick Springfield. Oh, and he has, she has a picture of her with Rick after the show,

and his hand is touching the side of her tit. And I said, I said, what the fuck? I said to my what? He, oh, I asked. I think I asked. I asked, that night, I said to Andy, because it was on her phone. I go, why the fuck do you do that? And he said to Andy, tell him, tell him because I can.

Which is exact, you know what? It's exactly what I'd say if I was, you know, a little bit overrated as a musician. Come on. Jesse's, it's a cute song, but, and Andy goes, he's had a whole bunch of other ones, and he did, he had more hits than I realize. And the motherfucker was on a soap opera. I'm just, and he, have you seen him, by the way? He's 70, what, 77 or some shit with his shirt off? I saw him lying and somebody said,

Genetic freak. I thought I was looking at a picture of him when he was like 40. I mean, he fucking doesn't have any fat on him. May he die tonight in a fire? No. Anyways, that's that stupid story. Let's get on with it. Trump on, anyway, Stacey, R.P.G.

If somebody out there can find her, nobody, that's not even a real name, so don't bother. Trump on his fault. fallen heroes. President Trump, you know, remember, remember what was his name? Did I say member? I hate when people do that. Remember when Joe Biden was looking at his watch when he was at a fallen hero thing? President Trump saluted four flag-drape caskets carrying the bodies of four U.S. I don't say, anyways. Did he say saluted or celebrated? Don't say celebrated. Don't say celebrated. Huh? Saluted? our bodies of four U.S. service members killed in the Iran war last week. Shortly after telling journalists, it was one of the hardest things to do for him or for any president. Here he is, and here's what we love about him.

He can walk by the press. And all the questions, once again, is, you know, all the questions lean towards, but this is your fault. I mean, there's an underlying current. Go ahead. We're going to Jover. Some of you are going with us to honor our heroes, and they are indeed.

great heroes actually as opposed to shitting heroes all of them said very strongly we can't let you cannot let Iran have a nuclear pause see now this is where and you know me I never criticize this guy but he's being too much of a salesman here

they all said we can't let no they didn't they demonstrated it by their actions because they're in the military and they have to take orders but don't say that That's where people go, you're so full of shit. Am I right now? I mean, come on.

Did really? All those four said that to you. You heard them say that. I mean, just, you know, there's no need for that. And again, he's 80s, so maybe, again, when he was a salesman, and he's a super salesman, let's put it in his 40s, he would have known not to, you know, but he has to get his message out why they died. But there's got to be a better way. And I don't know whoever's, and there are people giving him advice that that's Susan

Wilde? Is that her name? The old lady? Do you know she is like the most part? Other than him, she's in his ear every day. She got him elected the first time. And this time. Also shot. I don't see anybody on the left

in the media who fucking love whenever a woman does anything doing a nice piece on her. They want nothing. They just, please. Go ahead, Mr. President. I'm sorry. a weapon. So we're going to honor them. And one of the hardest things to do. For me, it's one of the hardest things to do as a president. He goes, that and clean the shit stains out of the Oval

Office that Joe left there after having a broccoli omelet. Did you say, uh? Sound like George Bush Sr. Remember? I don't know. You were probably a kid. George Bush Sr. goes, I hate broccoli. He came out. I don't know why. There was some you know, some, that would be Trump. Comes out my ass the same way it goes in. What? It's green. I hate green things. Can't do them.

Everybody else can do it. It's so funny, man. I can do about 11 presidents, but nobody knows them. Nobody knows fucking Van Buren. Anyways, Trump paid tribute to the fallen heroes at Dover Air Force Base in Delaware as an honor guard marched there remains to transport vans from inside a military cargo, and it's got to be horrible. It's for the family. It's got, you know, we joke and fucking whatever. It is just, but it's the way, you know, it's why we don't want what. Nobody wants war you dickheads. The reason we have it is because people like China and fucking Russia. At one point, a relative could be heard wailing as her loved one, um, loved one's body was moved and Trump called her phony. I don't like that either. No, he didn't. Come on, folks. the president made the trip as he threatens to expand the war

see this is where the article goes right yeah he does they signed up this stuff happens I read a thing yesterday about the numbers and how the Democrats on the generic ballot have the largest lead that either party has had on a generic ballot in like 25 I go you gotta be fucking kidding me Trump's in the low 30s on the economy

a million shit. I don't believe any of it. I know prices are supposedly expensive right now, but I'm going to say it again. This guy fucking took a bullet and he's almost been killed twice since then. Okay? So if gas is ill expensive or sow an eggs, fucking suck it up. Jesus, fucking Christ. What are you a little kid? Everything's not perfect. We want a new president. The guy has done more in the last two and a half years and the last 10 presidents combined. but, you know, everything's a little expensive. Anyways. Again, his performance in getting shot for me, do whatever you fucking want.

In retaliation by Iran's attacks on U.S. troops and commercial ships, that's why he's expanding the war. Even as leading Republicans, including who wrote this fucking Joy Reid, House Speaker Mike Johnson urge a quick resolution to the conflict. Who doesn't want a quick resolution to the conflict? Anybody? What I'm going to say to grieving relatives, Trump said, is we love you, we love your child, and all you can do is draw out your heart. I don't know what that means.

They do that if you fall asleep in China, you wake up in a bathtub, and they have it an igloo cooler. Well, thank you very much. We go now. Added the president, who also warned that Iran is going to pay a big price. A big price. I'm talking retail. Ann was being decimated, which they were.

I mean, I'm checking the clips out. Every night for the last 11 nights, we've been blowing. How much, Dallas, you've been over there. How much shit do they have? Yeah, that's kind of always been my question. For this time, we should have pretty much almost obliterated everything. Yeah. So now I have to question the validity of the goddamn clips we're watching.

Because you can make that, I know, retarded kids with Donald's syndrome. That's not redundant, Nick. No, it's not. They're very good. I'm just saying, I know retired kids who could do AI videos and fucking fool me. So three of the soldiers, because I'm retired, three of the soldiers were killed in an Iranian missile strike on a Jordanian military base, while the fourth died during a controlled detonation.

That wasn't so controlled, apparently, of a downed Iranian drone in Northern Ireland. That's a sad way to go, huh? Or was he standing too close? Do you understand what that means? The drone was, they shot it down. It was already disabled. and they're trying to blow it up. Or what?

Was it one of ours are theirs? One of theirs. So we're trying to blow it up and somebody gets killed that way. Hey, it's part of the war, but I'm just saying it's almost like friendly fire type. Tyler James Feehan, and we should mention

these people by name, 25 of Oa Beach, Hawaii, Isabella Gonzalez. God bless the Latinos and Latinas. Okay, they're like the Italians were in World War II. Nobody. No more ethnic group than the Italians served.

We had the most soldiers as far as, you know, imports. Isabella Gonzalez 19 of Carrollton, Texas, and Angel S. Ramperset, 28 of Ozone Park, New York, which is in Queens. I think that's what John Garty lived, actually. We're killed in the Jordan attack, and Michael Emanuel Swinton, 30 years old, killed in a drone attack in Iran.

God bless these people. people and somebody's got to do it folks and don't be a simple then and go we just don't need wars any yeah okay that's how it works anyways November 5th I'll be at the punchline in Atlanta Georgia November 6 the next night River Casino in Philly the next night after that November 7th sold Joel's potts Tompia please uh please sell it out all three if I see two seats empty in the combined three shows I'm back my shit you're like back your shit we're watching your on TV or the fucking internet.

You're here. Not even TV. Hey, by the way, let me just say this. And God bless Rumble, when you guys watch the Rumble, I'm telling you something you probably already know. There's a big screen in the center. And then there's like four little ones around it. And most of the time, I'm in one of those little fucking squares.

And at the next morning when I wake up, I'll have like, I don't know, 20,000, 22,000 views. Last night when I went into bed, it was 65,000 because I was in the center screen. But I guess they rotate everybody. So I don't know. I just like to be in the sense. I mean, don't you want high numbers?

And then, I don't know. Go to Nick Dip.com to get your tickets now for those shows before the sold out. And go to the merchandise page at Nick Dip.com. When you buy stuff like that, your friends will love your number one. Your parents will love your number two. And number three, you'll get blown every night if you wear a hat like that. Buy a gay guy that I know. Loves this show.

It supports this show. So go to that page. My wife worked on it very hard. Also, if you want to send a personalized video to somebody, I'll say what you're thinking so you don't have to. Go to shoutout.us. Won't you do that? Do we have Dallas later on in the show an ad coming up?

I thought we did today. Oh, that's next week. Right? Yes. My bad. All right, let's move on. Ignore the retarded host. You know what that sounds?

from, right? That's right. Porky's two. Lib's eating lib segment tonight. Democratic Minnesota, dirty, angry Muslim, American hate and jerk off, General Keith Ellison. That's Attorney General, Keith Ellison, appeared stunned when protesters interrupted his speech. That's right, that's Lib's attacking a lib for a far-left candidate. So he's not far left

for one of the state Senate seats in the United States Senate. Ellison was trying to encourage Democrats to show up for Peggy Flanagan. That's not even a real name, by the way. Oh, I should have showed that clip. I think I saw it on TV yesterday. There's a clip of her. She's some type of Indian, you know, American Indian. So she opens a press conference by saying like the first two minutes in some Indian

language that's been dead for 100 years, 400 years. She starts her first two minutes with it. Boy, are they fucking out of their fucking tits? Yeah, Peggy Flanagan, her Indian Amin, I think it's blow dead goats, when protesters interrupted him and demanded that he answered for shutting down a program

looking into wrongful convictions. Hmm. That's funny because the guy that was on Rogan show that cut off somebody's head, and dismembered them and killed them and all that. Yeah, he was part of a moment like this about convictions. Anyways, and here's what I say about those. Yeah, if one and believe me,

they'll have you believe everybody in prison has been wrongly convicted. But if one out of a thousand, and that's probably about right, the odds, if one guy has to go, just hope you're not him. That's all I'm saying. If we get $999 right, oh well, just don't let it be me. But I'm not going to kill anybody. I'm not going to rape anybody. Not yet.

The contest will likely be, wait a minute, we have a video. I'm sorry, the caffeine, it's like, holy, look at this jerk off of a pork pie hat, everybody. Let me tell you, there's a whole lot of people who were not 18 years old in the last election. Yeah, turn up that black shit, yo. There's a whole lot of people who were not naturalized citizens

in the last election. There's a whole lot of people who sat it out because of whatever reason in the last election. But you know what? We're going to get them all this election. We're going to get them all. Who you're talking to the fucking 1999

Ravens defense? Yeah, we're going to get them all. Yeah, yeah, boy. Go ahead, pork pie, fuck face. Who if I? Pause. See, that's, that's, this is the rift in the Democrat Party.

The Republicans should be having a hard on. He's not exactly a moderate, so this is almost a far left interrupting a far left guy. I mean, he plays the game. He's been there. forever. Hey Minnesota. I don't believe it. It's still mostly white people outside of Minneapolis. What the

fuck? Anyways, go ahead. Let them shame him. Shame on you. Thank you. Thank you. You know what? Let us. Let us you come on guys. Yeah, come on guys. You created those monsters. And they're biting you right in your fucking Saccorini. Enjoy it.

Look at him. Look at the look on his face. He can't believe. And those broads need to be slapped in the face, too. Free speech. I know. And what the left always says, yeah, but we can react to your free speech if you say something right. Yeah, so can we.

I'm for neither side interrupting when somebody's speaking, okay, as far as that goes. And again, depends on where you do it, they have rules. They should be, they'd be funny if you could hear Taze. is going off in the background and them screaming and it's getting quieter. The contest will likely be seen as another battle between far left

elements of the Democrat Party trying to seize... Trying! The fucking moderates are getting mugged and they don't even realize it. They don't know what to do. The so-called moderates, they don't know what to do.

If they go against them, the rift gets wider. If they go with them, they know they're way too far left. And by the way, I forgot that I mentioned that generic ballot But in the last couple of paragraphs, the guy writing, he studies that shit,

says the numbers are a little, a little mis- not misinformation, but a misleading because of, and I don't understand how it works, but a lot of those are based on these elections that don't really mean anything that put, they don't put people in actual seats in Congress. They're lower-level elections, but those are the ones

that the Dems are winning and Bing on. So that was his take on the end. Anyways, Flanagan, otherwise known as blowing bulls, Flanagan is trying to win the primary for the Democratic Farmer Labor Party from a representative, Angie Craig. Did she stock Craig's List? No, that was a guy. Isn't there an Angie's List?

There is an Angie's List. No wonder why I thought. You see how I think about Liss, Joe List, my buddy. Wow. You like lists. Huh? I like lists. Listerine. I used it today. I feel listless, too. I got to go to the supermarket. I got a list

today after the show. Wife wants cucumbers. I don't know why. She said wide ones. What? Ellison seemed angered and rattled by protesters and the quickly finished his comments before rushing off the stage like the bitch that he is. We had a white where that act. The protesters were angry about Ellison

shutting down the conviction review unit which he blamed on lack of funding from the Trump administration. Oh my God, they are relentless. In five years the unit overturned three wrongful convictions. How do we know they were right when they turn them over? I don't trust any of it.

That would kind of suck, huh? You go on the electric chair and you didn't do anything? tough shit I'm sure you did something they don't grab like a fucking guy who's had no record at all. Usually somebody had you know arrest record whatever does that mean you deserve to die?

Oh my world. All right where do you live? None of your business. Listen to this headline. Hey Joe, where you're going with that head in your hand? That's a playoff at Jimmy Hendrickson. Hey Joe, where are going with that gun in your hand? Joe Rogan has claimed that a former

guest on his podcast allegedly did something horrifying just over a month after appearing on the show, and this is what he said he did. Well, we had a guy in the studio that cut a guy's head off after the podcast. He killed the guy and cut his head off. I didn't do it after the podcast. It's like two months before the podcast, Joe. The revelation came during Wednesday's episode of the Joe Rogan Experience.

when Rogan was sitting down with physician Zach Bush, and no, he's not an OBG Wyatt, and brought up his 2024 interview with accused killer Sheldon Johnson, which I actually watched, by the way, while mentioning sociopaths within society, the 58-year-old podcaster said Johnson appeared on the show alongside civil rights attorney Josh Dubin, executive director of the Pearl Mutter Center for Legal Justice.

Yeah, your mother, your father, which advocates for the wrongfully convicted. So again, in his life, the psycho's life, everything was oppressive or suppressed, and we get wrongly lit up. And it does happen once in a while, but that's how he, that explains him cutting people's heads off. And was sitting right across from him just weeks before allegedly committing the gristly killing. he does the podcast and then afterwards goes and visits this guy that apparently he had a beef with kills him cuts his head off puts him in a suitcase again somebody show me this suitcase that

can hold that and I'll buy it tonight I have trouble getting three pair of socks two underwear and a book into my fucking suit um he puts on a wig by the way this is a guy he put on a blonde wig and tries to escape in the hallways through the cameras That's when they, um, anyhow, uh, Johnson,

who was working as a criminal justice activist, so that's a guy, this is a guy who's defending criminals. Yet he has it in his DNA to murder you and cut you into pieces. Uh, with activist Dubin at the time,

was arrested in March, 2024. After cops found a human torso in a blue bin, and a head stash in a freezer in the Bronx apartment belonging to 44-year-old Colin Small. By the time this guy got done with him, Colin was very small. His head was next to another head, but that was cabbage. Yeah.

Here he is. Dressed like a filled condom on his way out the door. Look at, he's got the tip at the end. Police were initially called to the building for a wellness check after neighbors reported hearing shots and seeing a stranger coming and going from the apartment with cleaning supplies, the building superintendent said,

I don't know, but I got to tell you, eventually what's going to happen, there's going to be a law at stores. If somebody comes in and orders like more than, I don't know, $50 worth of the cleaning supplies, you're going to have to fucking take fingerprints or something. Again, and I've harped on this many times, the ID network, I swear to God,

Nine out of ten of those things are solved by a Walmart camera. Because some guy went in there at 3.30 a.m. in Amarillo and bought 40 boxes, 40 jugs of Clorox, 400 rubber gloves, a fucking hoe. And of course, it's Walmart, so you've got to get pork chops while you're there. You've got to keep up that energy when you're... You're cutting somebody apart. That's a lot of work.

At the time of his parents on the Rogan experience, Johnson was working as a client advocate at the public defender's office in Queens. Do you see? Do you see? Did they do a background check? Do you want me to believe that was his first crime? Most guys that work for these organizations, Juzzi are ex-felons. Or something thereof.

I might have made that up, but it sounds accurate. Look it up. It was the case on, you know what, this latest show that they really butchered Kate Fier, Max Katie. Again, he's played by like a fucking he's like Mexican in this one. Just having a white guy be the criminals more interesting.

This is where I might be a little bit racist. I'll look at shows on the ID network. And if it's about a black woman, a guy that was killed or whatever, I don't watch them. There's no mystery in that. Let me guess. He was stabbed in the VIP room of a titty bar in Atlanta. I go on to the white ones.

Is that racist? I don't know. It's sort of like Patrice O'Me-Hale had a bit about, you know, he goes, look at what I'm watching TV, and there's a story about a tsunami, like 11,000 Filipinos was killed. I don't feel nothing. I don't, I don't. Yeah, what else is a, you ain't alone, son, feel that way about your people. What?

You heard me. He'd laugh at that. There was the beauty of tough crowd. anyways at the public defender's office in Queens having been released from prison in 2019 he served 25 years for a series of armed robberies committed in 1999 proving once again always a scumbag. I'm sure there's been one out of a thousand that rehabilitate and go on to a little clean life. Haven't you seen Shawshank Redemption? Most overrated movie in the history of movies. Let's base it on a white prison.

Even in Maine prisons have a lot of black people. Morgan Freeman. What was Andy Dufray? I'm so sick of him. Morgan Freeman's a good dude, but I'm sick of him, too, not already. Samuel L. Jackson. Can we give him more commercials? Suck my fucking European cock.

Let's move on. Spray painting the bowl. What does that mean? Oh, you know what it means. We all do. Anybody who said Taco Bell knows. A new outbreak. of cyclosporiasis under investigation with at least 70,

look at that's a pretty, it's a pretty germ. Those look like polyps, they pulled out of my grandpa's ass. With at least 72 cases reported so far, the FDA said that on Wednesday. There is currently no known source yet for the new outbreak, cases of cyclosporesis, sporesis, and intestinal illness caused by the cyclospora parasite have swelled to 11,500 in 41 states

with more than 4,000 cases confirmed, according to the CDC. And it sounds horrible because it's not just diarrhea for a couple hours. It can go on for like a week. And I mean round the clock. One guy's like, I haven't slept in three days. You sort of know what that is if you had a colonoscopy

and they make you drink that shit the night before. and that lasts for a few hours. And you're like, Jesus, your ass is like, your ass is exhausted. It's going, come on, man. I get kids. What? There have been six outbreaks of a cyclosporiasis so far this year. Three times more than all of last year, a few people counting at home.

There were fewer than 150 confirmed cases of the parasite last year. Now, the CDC, that's a sentence for disease control. You're not controlling very much. and prevention had identified a likely link among cases in Michigan, Ohio, West Virginia, Kentucky earlier this week. Michigan alone had reported 7,100, and 71 cases of cyclosporosis in 2026, with 600 new cases reported since Tuesday. The original parasite outbreak was initially believed to have been linked with lettuce from Taylor Farm. a Taco Bell supplier

and Taco Bell's like, we have a million ways to make you shit. We don't need lettuce. I like that one. That might be the... We don't need... We got fucking... We got ground beef.

We're putting spices in it. We're making this fucking down in the cellar in some warehouse. Anyways, yeah. So Taylor Farms, a Taco Bell supplier, but the FDA announced over the weekend that the tests were a false. positive. So I'm guessing Taylor

firms has a nice lawsuit because their business went right in the dumper naturally. So they're going to want at least that money back. I don't know who you blame. CDC. Despite the false positive, the FDA insisted

that the parasite outbreak may have still originated with a Mexican supplier. Who knows? Who knows? I'm not my wife ruined you know when you pump gas

at a gas station you know you pump self pump unless you're New Jersey they don't let you do that by the way they might have changed it but I don't think so do you know that was the only state where they they pump it anyways I've been doing that for years and then my

wife goes I think we were on a trip and I came out you know snacks right after she goes you know I read a whole thing where those handles on the pumps of some of the dirtiest most germ-filled things. He, I go, and she goes on and explained, and the article said, because you got guys like, you know, you got guys that working in construction sites and, you know, shit in Porter parties or shit next to where they work, whatever,

and then they come fill up their trucks and fucking, you know. Well, yeah, but as George Carlin said, I do have an immune system. What am I going to do? Go in and wash my fucking hands in a gas station. Come on. I've only shipped blood twice after being in Senoko up the street. The parasite can cause cyclose, but every time I fill my tank now, I'm like, I hang my hand out the window like I fingered a hooker on the way. The parapsicicicicin cause cyclospicillera, which is characterized by symptoms like loss of appetite, weight loss, stomach cramps or pain, bloating gas, nausea.

That's everything a bad cook will give you. And fatigue. In addition, watery diarrhea. They throw that in like it's a minor detail. It's the diarrhea. That word diarrhea has been in every article a thousand times. And this one goes, eh, maybe. You get the sheds for a couple months.

But you know what? They said the positive part, you look shredded. Here's a guy who just had the tail of lettuce. Now, what's funny about that scene, he opens the door, and there's a bunch of turkeys outside. Wait, here. That's the best acting you ever did by the other. way, another liberal shithead. Some people may become infected and be asymptomatic, according to the CDs.

That's nice. So you feel good when you get on the plane. No symptoms. But you're like Lee Priest. You're going from fucking China to, you know, Vermont. And all of a sudden it surprises you with one symptom. That'll be the exploding asshole. Let's move on to the headline. Attention, most blacks. United Airlines just gave passengers a reason to cheer. The major airline quietly updated a noise policy that, before the change, had flyers nearly losing their minds. Probably, I'm guessing it was the white flyers, mostly, and maybe some polite Asian people and Latino people. United told the Post that back in February,

the company started enforcing headphones when listening to content on phones, tablets or anything that makes sound. Do I have that right, United? You just started doing that a few months ago? Because every fucking flight I've been on, you have to have headphones on. You just started, or you, it's been on the books, you just started enforcing that because you don't want to hurt

black people's feelings. Nick, why do you keep saying black people? Because I've flown enough to see who the culprit is. And again, not every time. Once in a while there's a white lady in her late hundreds who can't find the fucking volume button on her. You know, she's talking to her grandkids on a fucking, you know what, they call it. And because the kids, anyway, dying of diaspora.

Anyways, so you started enforcing, well, that's big you. This means passengers are no longer able to blast TikTok or watch movies without the use of headphones. And again, I don't mean to come down heavy on the brothers. But a lot of these rules are made for you guys. Like, you know, like the one about having a shirt and shoes on, that didn't come about because of the Amish when you go into a convenience store. I got a, we got somebody on the flight, proving my point. That's the best part.

You know, Nalti fucking, Nick Nelty, that movie was great. We ain't brothers, we ain't friends. I'm going to watch that again. Guys, young people out there who haven't seen 48 hours, a great movie. It's a cop movie. cop slash buddy slash enemy Eddie Murphy is as funny as he ever been Nalti's in his prime

and just a good story too and the guy that plays a bad guy is fucking great just a punk he's got a dirty like wife beater on the whole time and my favorite line of the whole movie is another criminal

who's a friend of the guy with a wife beater he goes to get his car he gets out of prison after four years goes to get his car out of a parking garage and he hands a ticket to the guy and the guy goes,

this is four years old. And he goes, I've been busy. Which is something I'd do for no reason. Just being in a bad mode. I've been busy. Mind your fucking business, man. That guy was great too.

He had that pungible face. United's contract of carriage, essentially a rules and policy handbook. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, hand those out. Was updated on February 27th to add the new headphone language. I can't believe it wasn't already in there. We've always encouraged customers. Oh, you've encouraged them. Yeah, and we all know that works. So encourage somebody's

got three drinks and I'm going to fucking hate you because your skin is different than it. Customers to use headphones with the expansion of Starlink, a high-speed satellite internet service from SpaceX. It seemed like a good time to make that even clearer by adding it to the contract of carriage. Contact of carriage. It's a fucking plane. It ain't a carriage. No, no, no. The rule now falls under the brand's right-to-refuse section where the airline lists a slew of ways passengers can get the boot. Those who failed to follow the rule on a permanent or temporary basis will be removed from the plane at any point. I guarantee you're going to see, I don't know, in the next year, you'll see three or four.

It might be a drunk white guy, you know, watching whatever. Because passengers are required to wear headphones, the airline will still pass them out during the flight for free. Also, many newer planes have seatback screens that are upgraded to Bluetooth so customers can connect with wireless headphones. But Starlink makes it easy now, you know? And that's why they're... But I can't believe you. They're making it sound like it's a new phenomenon. I mean, come on, man.

I had one guy tell me to quiet down. I was in LaGuardia in the terminal talking. I was talking to Zucca, and I was getting loud because it was loud in there. And this old guy, not old, but older to me, goes, hey. And I went, you know what? I'm sorry. That's what a white guy does. He doesn't fucking stab you in the neck like other people.

And when I see other people, I'm talking to like Italians or 100% of time. See how I did that? Yeah, Buffet, al-a-a-la. Hey folks, yeah, let's move on. I'm tired. Where's that volume? Come on. Make me a sandwich.

Yeah. Look at Hillary. I want to. Courtney Starden called out, oh, here's this story made my blood curdled. Courtney Stauden called out Seinfeld alum, Jason Alexander over controversial 2012. Funny or Die sketch.

I was 17 years old. This is a woman talking who's now probably, you know, 48. in this photo Stoughton wrote on Instagram sharing an image of Alexander holding an iPhone against her breasts in the snap the actor who was 52 meaning Jason Alexander at the time is wearing a polo and a blazer while Stought in a skippy bikini because that's what it called for and she's a 14 on a scale of 10 so let's take a look at the video that she's complaining about that happened right before George Washington was sworn in What I care about is the quality of your heart. So I have a special app here on my iPhone,

and if I may, I'm going to use this to just find out what's in the quality of your heart. I can't tell which side should I be on. It's on the left side. Not this side? Not this side. Courtney Stodden is calling out actor Jason Alexander. Pause. I forgot to tell you, there's a flaming homosexual doing the voice. over because that's the rule today. I guarantee he knows a guy that does the Home Depot commercials

who says that guy that does the Home Depot swears he's not gay, which is the funniest fucking thing I have ever heard in my life. But go ahead, gay guy. For that uncomfortable, funny or die video from 2012, she's now revealing that she was just 17 years old and she filmed the sexually suggestive sketch with the then 52-year-old Seinfeld star. Stoddand made the news in this Instagram post with a screenshot. Do you understand what gay guys are doing? They're doing an imitation of a woman. He doesn't talk like that when he gets home.

Go ahead. Shot of Alexander touching her breast with a cell phone from the funny or guy video. In a lengthy caption, she revealed that she was the only minor on set, adding that she felt so alone. She wrote, quote, Looking back now, I don't see comedy. I see a 17-year-old girl whose body became part of an adult joke.

I can't change what happened to me, but I can't ask myself, How did so many adults look at a minor? Enough. Enough. Another story about a woman who doesn't look like that anymore, who misses the attention. So I'll go back a few years and say, I was mistreated. I was a victim. Shut the fuck.

Let me tell you, even if that was true, do you really think this woman has lived a tough life? And that goes for any woman who's an eight or above. Do you understand how good you have it in this country? That's why the feminist movement is such fucking horseshit. people open doors for you guys buy you dinner they'll send you a bottle of wine that don't even fucking know you they'll spend two months taking you to movies just to get a sniff of you and then you'll blow them off and brag about it on fucking facebook or something ay ay ayy aye shut up she's guarantee she's still smoking start and added that later on the sketchy emmy and tony winner actor joke that when i turn 18 he'd like to take me behind the couch and have his way with me well at least we know jason likes uh women

now 66, who by the way, to me, was the star of the Seinfeld film, is listed as a writer. He wrote the sketch. That makes me like him even more. Now he might be guilty, but I don't care. The Don Clay Show with Courtney Stoughton was the name of the sketch. In addition to starring

in it alongside Stauden, in her then husband, Doug Hutchinson. So why aren't you blaming your fucking husband who was there? Why didn't he step in? Yeah. Maybe he was 19. It doesn't matter.

If that's my girl, I'd say, actually I wouldn't because if the guy's hard enough to get that brights banging a bunch of other ones. As an adult, that fact has become harder, not easier. Really? This is how full your life is. This is the worst thing that ever happened to you? Somebody touched your tit with a fucking iPhone 40 years ago. I was a minor start and said,

I didn't have the legal power to decide whether I wanted to participate. No, but see, you wanted to be called the woman. if somebody called you a girl at 17, you would have been like, I'm a woman. You had the free will to say, I'm not comfortable. Yeah, even back then, and it's not that long ago.

The contract was signed by adults. The paycheck went to Doug. That would be her boyfriend. At the time, a husband. The production moved forward. I was the only child in the room she added. You were a child, you were a fucking teenager, and I guarantee you were dating guys

that were in their 40s and a ton of money. She had it. I felt so. alone. How could you feel alone? You got a guy filming it, another guy touching your tit, your husband was there? What are you talking about? Starting now 31 said she doesn't see the sketches comedy looking back on it

14 years later. I don't either. I see it as a fucking woman starving for attention and a cry for help. Get her on the phone whenever as a guest. Hey, do me a favor. Write this down. We got Ted Nugent's connections are somewhere. I want to Ted back on the show. Make

it happen. It probably means a call to either and to you or somebody who has the number. I don't know. What do we get next? Hey, have it your way. Visitors to Burger King may soon notice several changes inspired by updates that customers of the fast food chain said they wanted. This one killed me too. God, that looks good. I'm talking about those chubby fingers, not the sandwich. I love sussie. They want. We opened our phone lines and invited people to share their honest feedback. This cracks me up. One of the biggest takeaways was that our guests want to feel

welcome when they walk in. Let me translate that. Not have a black teenager roll his eyes and act like you just ask them to do brain surgery. That's that translation. Know their order, meaning their food order, will be made the way they ask and have confidence

that the kid with the Afro is not going to spit a lungy in it. Confidence that if something isn't right, we'll make it right. So what you're saying is you open the phones and the customers, the thousands that called in and they said it was thousands, told you to do your job. To do your job.

That's how far away we're. He thinks he's, they're using this as a pitch. Look, we're going out of our way to me. No, you're supposed to do that. You're supposed to. I was at Publix yesterday. I'm not shitting you. I'm looking for an open lane, you know, to cash.

I only have eight items or whatever the fuck. I start to go down this lane and there's a black, all the black woman worked there. she sees me and goes just like we showed Jason Alexander remember saying look annoyed to look busy

she gave me one she goes I go I go that's all right you don't want to work what's new that's what I fucking said

and she was happy I did it she didn't fuck and she was happy literally fucking gave me that but as a white guy my age

you get it all the time fucking Greg Zuck my late great buddy used to fucking I'd be out with him and I'd go oh my God here he goes, he'd go off like a, if he saw

one annoyance in a waiter or a waitress he'd fucking unload on him. Fuck. And it would end with, let's go find another place. Four months later, getting us together was frightening because then he'd yell at me for going off on somebody that he thinks I was wrong. Four months later, the company's

introducing two strategies aimed at improving customer service and order accuracy. Jesus. I thought you would have taken care of that during basic training. the your way What a dumb name This is the

The in quotes Your Way champion Is a reimagined Restaurant Manager role Designed to empower Restaurant Leaders And put the guest Experience for

Let me start again Quit calling us fucking guests Am I sleeping over tonight You're gonna rub my feet While I'm eating my fucking Whopper Stop with that

We're customers I'm not a fucking guest You're not a house Burger King announced in a new really The champion will wear a dedicated uniform Oh I meant to put a picture of like fucking a Nazi uniform

You know I forgot that would have made this show funny The champion will wear a dedicated uniform Once you get like a headdress on And he's on a horse And serve as a point person Yeah that would be a manager So you're putting him in different clothes

overseeing order customization and satisfaction The Whopper Guarant promises that if a Whopper or Burger King's signature hamburger doesn't meet a customer's expectation, the brand will not only continue to remake it on the spot. Again, I thought you'd do that already. But they'll offer the guest the next WAPA free of charge, redeemable with a QR code. There's about to be a bunch of free whoppers. You beat me to it.

They just opened the door to black hell. Do you understand? And again, not to pick on black people today, but you, you know, You don't think, I've seen people, we've seen clips of people, black people fucking throat. People have got shot because they get the wrong barbecue sauce. They're not going to take a bite of this and go, I didn't see onions on his motherfucker. Yeah, but they don't read the news. That's actually kind of a good point, but when something's, let me tell you something.

When something might get them something free, it's, that news spreads like wirefire on the hood. Good point. And if you're saying Dallas is being right, no, we showed a clip of a girl at a cookout. This is during the 4th of July, a black girl, and she had some sentences written with some, you know, I'd say 10th grade language in it, and they couldn't read it. And I liked it because they were laughing at their own weaknesses and faults, which is fine. You know what I mean? We have to laugh at he fucking, and then learn to read, and we'll be cool.

But I'm with you. There's going to be a line around the Popeye's. is going to go out of business. Fucking, there's going to be a line around the McDonald's everywhere. You just see, I had to write this bit out. You just see the drive-through. And of course, it's lime

green Mercedes, fucking low riders, whatever they drive, Lincoln's. Here are some footage of the, here are some footage they actually filmed this new attitude they have in action. This is a guest

interacting, a guest, a customer. with the burgerkin. Rick, have you ever heard the expression the customer is always right? Yeah. Yeah, well, here I am,

the customer. Look at her. That's not our policy. You have to order something from the lunch menu. I don't want lunch. I want breakfast. Yeah, well, hey,

I'm really sorry. Yeah. Well, hey, I'm really sorry, too. For you people, not familiar, but you probably are because your fans are mine. That's a movie called Falling Down, probably 30 years old now. Michael Douglas playing a white guy in L.A. who's had enough. And it is, it's a cop out at the end, kind of. They make them out to be like mentally and whatever.

So that's not a spoiler alert. But, you know, because Hollywood has to cop out. If they, because if they didn't make them out to be crazy or whatever, it would have been racist in their eyes. Because it was a movie. to that point calling life the way it is. But if we do that, we're implying that the people that were incompetent that he was facing in every scene would be raised.

So they ruin the ending, but it's still worth watching because Michael Douglas is so goddamn funny in it. That's it. That's it for the week. You believe that? Do you believe it, folks? Let me tell you something. Don't forget Cameo.com because apparently a lot of people are.

I'm going to call Tommy right now and go, hey, are you putting in a fucking... That'll be an argument with the wife. Maybe I'll just go have a drink instead. People are asking me now, what do you do for a living? These local bars? You're a comedian, right? I go, yeah. I said, I took a year off after 38 years.

We can do that, right? What do you do for a living? You're looking at it. FYI. We have one week in July left, and then it's August, which is the month that starts college football. Oh, you don't have to tell me. I'm like a little girl.

I have a calendar with a big circle around the fucking Hall of Fame game. I know, I know. And they kick, you know, college kicks off, like, not even the last day of August now. It's starting to move up to like the 25th. you notice? Which is just, and this is where I am in my life, I don't want it to come,

because when it comes, it's gone. It feels like that, folks, I'm not exaggerating. You're going to go, what's he talking about? Because it didn't feel like that 20 years ago. I mean, it felt like life was picking up speed, but holy shit. We were just sit in the front porch, me and the wife. I was drunk, we were handing out candy to kids.

It fucking, it's in, I'm almost dead. First of all, that's true of everybody. You could get hit by a bus on the way home. You don't know. But I'm just saying it's fucking, do you know what? Andy has trouble putting, you know, it's the best spatial thing. I go, hon, just give you an idea how short 20 years is. 20 years ago was 2006.

Does that seem that long ago? We were already in our house in New York for two years. I go, does that seem like 20 years ago or six years? It's a seven. She goes, yeah. At least she went, yeah, in the story I'm telling you. But honestly, what is 20 fucking years? It's a popcorn fart. That's why I get to live my life like it's my last day. That's why I'm going to rape a bunch of fat girls. I'm kidding. They don't need that. I don't know what I'm doing.

Anyways, that's enough. Talk myself into a corner. Who do the Red Sox got tonight? I think Toronto's in town. a team that we leapfrogged. All right, yes, and football is right around the goddamn corner. Cannot friggin' way. I wonder how Indiana is going to be. They pulled off the miracle of miracles last year. That's all I'm going to say.

And Dallas is well aware. Not only did they beat some good teams, they beat him twice. And they never lost a game. Not one playing that schedule. All right, folks. You think it, I'll say you're very welcome. Have a great weekend. I'm not going to say have a safe.

weekend because that's how this country get ruined. Drink, drive, and have a fucking ball. We'll see you back here on Monday, Monday. On Monday. Bye-bye. Hi. Good night, everybody.