The Nick DiPaolo Show - Trump Triumphs over Delusional Dems! #141

Episode Date: March 25, 2019

Mueller dashes dems' hopes. Google hides report results. Jim Jefferies in jam.

Thank you. Oh yeah! It's a beautiful day in America. How are you folks? Welcome to the show. A3... No! What am I saying? No calls.

New format. Love you guys, but... The the calls i don't know people are saying look it breaks up the comedy it breaks up the speed so we're trying something different here there'll be other changes coming also for the better the show is growing and uh we're not gonna get in the way of it. Anyhow, hold on. I'm taking those numbers down. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ah. Hello? Hi.

How are you? Ah. Let's get to it, huh? Oh, what a glorious day in America. Glorious week. Coming to you live, Facebook, YouTube. We'll do it live. Hopefully you're tuned in.

Do it live! Fuck it! Do it live! I'll write it and we'll do it live. I want all of you to enjoy your cake. Mr. Trump, enjoy. Yeah, baby. Hey, baby. You know you want crazy motherfucking what, man? No, I'm not.

I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore. Said President Trump. Finally. The verdict is in. Where's my fucking glasses? Jason, run upstairs. Let me talk to the people they're right on the counter can i bring some down i took like an hour power nap i don't know the fuck i woke up i was not ready felt four times more tired and uh the sleeping problems are back go to bed wake up exactly three and a half hours later no matter what time i go to bed ah gonna hit the cbd i thought i was over it anyways

uh come on folks big smile on your face got to be how about the fucking dems huh it's not over yet oh my god he's beating them silly. Remember he said, sick of winning? Oh, thank you, sir. Appreciate it. He said, sick of winning? You'll be sick of winning? Do you remember he said that?

Well, boy, he was not shitting, was he? Let's get right to it. Got a picture of the president? Let's celebrate the president. Holy shit, it looks like my brother-in-law there. This committee owes an apology. This committee owes an apology. Apology, Senator.

Goddamn right it does. This committee owes an apology. This committee owes an apology. Apology, Senator. Say it again. This committee owes an apology. This committee owes an apology. Apology, Senator. Say it again. This committee owes an apology. This committee owes an apology. Apology, Senator.

Goddamn right. Let's, after, what, almost two years of absolute horseshit, the most, and nobody's even talking about fucking Obama, his administration, all the scum at the FBI and the Department of Justice. That's where we better go. The Dems are planning to keep on fighting this. Totally exonerated. Not totally, excuse me.

By the way, that's not the job of a special counsel. They just present the evidence. They don't exonerate. People keep saying, well, he's not totally exonerated. That's not the fucking job, okay? All we know is the charge of colluding with the Russian government to steal the election was a total fucking witch hunt.

A total fucking hoax. Can you imagine if you were him for the last two years having to listen to this every day? He is as mentally tough as anybody who walked the earth. This guy's a fucking freak. And I don't know that anybody else could have put up with this shit

uh so no obstruction according to the attorney general william bar and people are the dems are already well he can't look at it with an unbiased eye he was a point that that fucking like three-year-old kids like when you catch a kid fucking his hand in the cookie jar and he just keeps denying it and denying it. There should be a ton of people going to jail on the other side. And I hope that's what the Republic. I don't give it. People go, well, we got to get the business of the country and then look out for the American people and move for.

Fuck that. They pick this fight. I say the Republicans end it. Most of them. Most of them. A lot of them are scumbags too. But anyways, you know what I'm saying. God damn it. Let's go to the videotape and let's take a look at the mainstream media and everybody else that was piling on predicting this president's demise because that's what they wanted after hillary won let's forget not you know how we got here after fucking hillary won they put that insurance policy in place based on a phony pfizer document and uh that they brought had signed off on and the christopher's the steel dossier with a uh so let's let's focus on that and how we got to this point um it's here you go

here are the assholes that were piling on and they should all fucking resign and uh hang themselves take pills cnn should blow itself up in the building go ahead my takeaway is there's a very real prospect that uh that he may be the in quite some time to face the real prospect of jail time. Take that. Oh, down goes Schiff. If we do the investigation, the information is there. You're mentally ill. This president needs to be impeached.

Oh, sit down, Maxine. Take that and take that. Look at this fucking sasmo. Some people end up in jail. Yeah, you. Yo, sit down Maxine! Take that and take that! I wouldn't be surprised after all of this is said and done. Look at this fucking s-dog. That some people end up in jail. Yeah, you. He has no idea that he's going down. Just like the broad sitting next to you.

Look at this piece of meat. I think the whole world is in jail. Do you think at the end of the day if Trump chooses the country over his own family, is that a good thing? Or would you rather him vice versa? Well, I think they're all gonna end up together in prison, family? Is that a good thing? Or would you rather him vice versa? Well, I think they're all going to end up together in prison, and maybe that's a good thing. Oh, my God.

Perhaps. And he gets... McDonald is here. On Monday Night Raw. He's still here. And Mr. Trump not coming alone. I like how he travels. Donald Trump is in a world he is not familiar with.

This is not real estate. This is the WWE. Oh, no. Oh, honestly. This beer. This beer. Hey, look at this. I'm going to crash.

Oh, my God. Holy ****. What the hell? The wig just imploded. The wing blew up. They never came up against an alpha male with brains. That's what he is. He's an alpha male.

You guys, you laugh when he announced that he was gonna run for president he's a fucking moron he's this he's that he's the dope he's make what does that make you what does that make you you're all for fucking two on the major things oh and if all these people if okay so he was not guilty of colluding, right? So how about the people that were indicted? Supposedly, you know, the ones that keep mentioning the Manaforts and blah, blah, blah. Doesn't that make them all innocent too?

I am not sure how the law works. And if it doesn't, that means that they get guilty doing shit on their own behalf, not helping to collude with Russia to win the election. So what happens to the the fucking Roger? I was going to say more Roger Stones and the Manaforts and the Michael Caputo's people whose lives have been ruined. What happens? So, you know. What happens to those people? They should all be pardoned.

That's what the fuck should happen. And the Republicans should set in motion all kinds of investigations, starting with that Marxist jerk-off, the worst president in the history of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama, who helped implement this plan. They wiretapped Trump during the election, just Hussein Obama, who helped implement this plan. They wiretapped Trump during the

election, just like he said, came up with this whole Steele dossier shit. Okay, so let's do it. I don't give a shit about, oh, the country, there's bigger things on our plate. Bullshit. I'm a very vindictive eye for an eye guy so is Trump oh my aching stem anyways they have to be shitting their pants you know what are they going to do now so

and fucking how does CNN MSNBC CBS ABC NBC the New York Times the LA Times

the Washington Post how do they even exist anymore I mean fucking the media's approval ratings are at record lows for the last, I don't know how many years, even before this. How do you watch anything but Fox News now? This should only make everybody at Fox News's ratings go through, except for gay boy Shepard Smith, who has a hate on for Trump. Again, because he's never, you know, Trump's an alpha male. But seriously, if I'm over at Fox News, I'm up a brass. I have a heart on

right now. Because the rest of you have proved to be lying cocksuckers. Not for a week, not for a month, for fucking two years. This is the biggest scandal ever, what they tried to do to him. And like Trump trump says it should never ever happen to a president ever again unless that president's a democrat that's what i say beto o'rourke's out there a couple days ago this guy uh it's gonna be indicted they're running on this shit now what do they say today well you, you know what they say. Well, the report we haven't seen. First, for two years, we got to wait for the Mueller report. Then that came out, and they said, well, that's fucking bullshit.

And then Attorney General William Barr, you know, he's going to decide how much the public see. Trump's going to put it all out there. Is there a problem, Priscilla? All right, get up in your cage. Distractions. I'm working here in the middle of a monologue. Get up. No, it isn't.

It's nothing blurry. Somebody's been hitting the fucking wine. So are you with me? I'm not going to be happy until I see Obama being fucking questioned under oath. The fat, thick-ankled dog face goes, she's first on the list. That fucking lying whore couldn't even beat Trump with the mainstream media behind her. All this bullshit couldn't beat her. Couldn't beat him.

And her 33, 33 000 emails nobody's questioning that when does that investigation start i'd gladly sit through another two years because the results would be much different there should be a ton of fucking peter struck and his ugly girlfriend lisa page should all be in the same cage together a lot of people at the did not not all the not the rank and file of the FBI. Good, hard-working people who don't give a shit either way, but the upper level. James

Comey! James fucking Comey! I put him ahead of friggin' Hillary! Anybody with me out there, you fuckin' titless wonders? Anyways. God, what a titless wonders? Anyways. God, what a feeling it must have been. Trump must have golfed 72 rounds.

But they won't let go, will they? The children of the left. The mainstream media. The aforementioned NBC. Lion suckers of Satan's car. I put up a bunch of tweets this weekend right after the news broke saying, you know, Wolf Blitzer put a gun in your mouth and Maxine Waters should hang yourself. All this shit. And then people are going, you can't.

My fans are like, you're going to get kicked off Twitter again. You're going to get kicked off. Hey, I get kicked off for two months. Nobody even knew I was missing. I don't give a rat's ass I deleted the fucking tweets because I have to plug my live gigs you know that's my bread and butter but that's how bad that's how bad and how biased social media is really me me telling Maxine Waters to put a pistol in her mouth is the same as a girl telling her boyfriend who was legitimately suicidal to fucking

kill himself. I guess so. We got to draw the rules. Meanwhile, they're blocking people like me, so I don't give a fuck. How about NBC's fucking... What's her name? Savannah Guthrie.

Thin-lipped, chicken-lipped, buck-toothed cheesecake. Monday on NBC News Today, the word today is in quotes. It should be news. It should be in quotes. Co-anchor Savannah Guthrie grilled press secretary Sarah

Sanders over President Donald Trump's behavior toward FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller, whose probe into Russia collusion 2016 just concluded. For the last two years, this is the chicken lips talking. For the last two years, the president has absolutely eviscerated Bob Mueller, a lifelong public servant, a former Marine, a registered Republican, I might add. He's called him a national disgrace, discredited, a prosecutor gone rogue who oversaw a gang of thugs in the end, this individual conducted investigations came to a conclusion

that he ultimately cleared the president did Robert Mueller deserve better from the president than this kind of language and behavior, asked Guthrie that's what she asked, and I say this you stupid fucking blabbermouth, cut no, because it should have never happened in the first play.

When you're a special counsel, they come to you, and I think your first thing is to go, I don't know, is the evidence there or whatever? Whatever. And then you decide, yeah, we have a case here. Oh, you don't. The point is, Miss Guthrie, chicken lips, none of this should have ever happened in the first place.

And you want me to tell you, think about this. Imagine if she was under the foot, the Republicans did something like this to Obama for fucking, would you be asking the same question? If you were Trump, you would have been bad-mouthing Mueller and everybody else involved. You have to be dicking me.

You got to be dicking me. You got to be dicking me. It gets fucking worse. Well, here's the first video of Ms. Guthrie. Did Robert Mueller deserve better from the president than this kind of language and behavior? I don't know. I think the American people deserve better. They didn't deserve for the election of this president to try to be. Wait a minute. But the president's rhetoric about a public servant doing a job. Are you kidding? The president's rhetoric matches. They are literally the media and Democrats have called the president an agent of a foreign government. We're talking that that is an accusation equal to treason, which is punishable by death in this country. Yeah, well, wait, wait, wait.

She's ready to push back already. You can't even hide your agenda, you titless wonder. Go fuck yourself. But doesn't he deserve... That's all you got today after the biggest story in the history

of the United States politics. But he was bad-mouthing the guy during... That's all you fucking got to say, you disgrace, disgracia, titless wonder, fucking partisan hack, douchebag. That's all you got to say, but he was bad-mouthing him the whole time. How fucking dare you? Next clip. Oh, Robert Mueller, an apology for that kind of rhetoric i think democrats and the liberal media owe the president and they owe the american people an apology that's your biggest concern

muller's owed an apology holy shit that's your last bullet That's your fucking last arrow in the quiver. If that's your question. Seriously. Oh my God. How fucking dare you. Have you no shame, pig face? God help us. She's not worth the salt of my taint. That fucking NBC is worse than CNN

because they're an actual broadcast network. And they actually get eyes on them. Not like they used to. But, I mean, he eviscerated them the whole time. The whole time he was accusing them of being an agent of Russia. Compare that to Trump going, this guy's gone rogue. Oh, my God's gone rogue. Oh my God. Even today.

And it's just, somebody said this isn't the end. This isn't the beginning of the end. It's the end of the beginning. So it's just going to, the Dems are going to ratchet up for the next couple of years. Good fucking luck to you.

Boy, Sato masochist. This guy's beating you fucking silly from the night of the election. How fucking, he said bad things, doesn't he? Take your own lives, mainstream media. All he is. I really hope there's a reflection in the ratings.

I don't think they can go much lower. But I guess they'll go up right now because everybody's interested. I'm interested in watching these douchebags, the Joe Scarbrows of the world, the Guthries. Why do they lump Joy Behar in with legitimate news? This dumb cunt has been wrong about everything, including her sex. Yes, sir? Got a couple of super chats. right super chats bring them on motherfucker baxter says will this molar or i can't read ordeal win some leftists over like joe rogan will they sympathize with what they're trying to do to trump will trump stay strong well stumps i don't get will trump stay strong i get

the first couple of questions. But I feel vindicated what I said on the Joe Rogan show. Yeah, but people don't watch Joe for the news and stuff. So I'm not really worried about Joe. But Joe's a fair guy. And I think he'll see my point when he pulled up NBC clips when I was there and the other stuff and Washington Post. And I laughed. And I don't think him or his buddy got there.

But Joe Rogan's a fair guy. I would think so. But as far as the rest of the douchebags, Joe Rogan's set for life. But as far as these people that need their jobs at MSNBC and CBS, ABC and all the other, the fucking New York Times. No, no, they're not going to admit. They can't. Because if they admit what douchebags they were, if they came out and apologized, they got to go somewhere else to make a living. Right. Also, Jack McCrack wants to know what's the deal with your new special.

Jack McCrack, Jack McCrack, the new special, it's called The Breath of Fresh Air, is being edited as we speak. This takes a while. They send me a version. I said, I want this in there. I want this out, but, but, but send it back. They work on it when they can. The guys are busy doing a lot of shit. So, uh, but it is, it's, it's coming very, very soon. And I will, I release it in its entirety. I will chop it up. We will flood the market with it. So somebody realizes the predictions I've been making the last 25 years don't fall on deaf ears, and they go, this guy's fucking funny. Is it conservative? By the way, that comes from Norm Macdonald, Chris Rock, Colin Quinn,

all the fucking comedy gold in the world. But yes, it's coming very, very soon. I'm excited about it because it really is. It's named perfectly, and I was sort of in my element that night it's gonna raise all kinds of hell I go after it from Jesse Smollett to fucking rape jokes to it should cause a real stir and the faggy segment of this population who's still afraid of fucking words and I am proud to be a comic I'm proud to be an industry that when when the discussion

of the First Amendment and free speech comes up, we're sort of at ground zero for some reason. You know why? Because it's just us and a mic saying shit that you'd like to say when you're working at Kinko's or at the fucking office at Raytheon, and we're allowed to say it and make it funny. And yes, that does give us more leeway to say shit. So I'm proud. I'm proud that I've been a politically incorrect asshole since my third open mic. I've been on the right side of the fucking law. We are the counterculture.

How about that? Anything else, sir? That's it. God damn it. More super chats, please. Those are actually good ones. Anyhow, like I said, I want this to continue.

Now that we've put this out of the way, now it's time to examine how all this took place in the first place and go after the players, including fucking Barack Hussein, jerk-off Marxist Obama. Let's start with him.

Piece of filth. What do we have here? Graham, Marxist Obama. Let's start with him. Piece of filth. What do we have here? Graham, that would be Lindsey Graham, who, by the way, I actually like. People make fag jokes about, I don't give a shit. I will date the guy.

I like him that much. I'll take him out to Budruckers. I think he's funny. I think he's smart. Don't always agree with him, which is a good sign. You're not always supposed to agree. But he sent an ominous tweet to James Comey.

Comey? Comey. Fuck, I'm so excited today. I can't talk. I can't talk. Yeah. Comey sent a tweet, a picture. Do we have it? That's Comey down there Do we have it? That's

CallMe down there. You know what? That's perfect because he's a little man today. He's a tiny little look at him. He looks like a fucking he looks like a snake amongst the trees in the rainforest looking up. So many questions he tweeted and Lindsey Graham said couldn't agree more.

See you soon. Bye bye dickhead. Yeah, Graham posted an ominous reply to ex-FBI Director James Comey on Twitter Sunday after Comey seemed to sum up the summary of Special Counsel Robert Mueller's investigation by posting a picture of a man who appeared lost in the woods, which he was the whole time. The photo posted by Comey was the man surrounded by tall trees and a wolf pissing in his face and him drinking it happily. Because what? I didn't. And the caption was simply, so many questions. Graham, the chairman of the Senate Judiciary

Committee, replied, could not agree more. See see you soon in the hopes to question the former fbi head it better happen mr graham it better fucking happen you know comey admitted to fucking leaking shit to the media during all the which was illegal he actually admitted to it and by the way i know trump hasn't, as far as obstruction goes, we still have a question, even though, again, Attorney General William Barr said, no, there's not enough there to bring obstruction charges, but that's not enough of the fucking titless left. They're still going crazy. Put it all out there. I don't give a rat's ass. Comey's tweet followed Attorney General Barr's announcement that Mueller did not find evidence that Trump's campaign conspired or coordinated with Russia to influence the 2016 election, but reached no conclusion on whether Trump obstructed justice.

That was kind of a cheesy move on Mueller's part, too. Trump and his team celebrated the outcome. The outcome, Donald Jr. was seen spanking it behind a bush at Mar-a-Lago, and Ivanka was pinching her own titties at the... They celebrate the outcome, but also laid bare his resentment after two years of investigations that have shattered his administration. And Trump said, it's a shame that our country has had to go through this. To be honest, it's a shame that your president has had to go through this. To be honest, it's a shame that your president has had to go through this. And come on.

You are correct, sir. If you don't agree with those statements, you're just you hate this country as much as fucking Rachel. I have a big Adam's apple and a boy's haircut. Mattow. Every time I see her, I get mad. It reminds me of a younger me. And I like pussy as much as she does.

Nick, that's horrible. Shut it! Despite Trump's claim of total exoneration, Mueller did not draw a conclusion one way or the other on whether he sought to stifle the Russia investigation through his actions, including defying a former FBI director, James Cohn. We've already been through this. I'm not going to go through it again. He had the right to fight anybody. Turns out Comey's a fucking piece of cheese.

According to Barr's summary, Mueller set out evidence on both sides of the question and stated that while this report does not conclude the president committed a crime, it also does not exonerate him. And I've been watching all the smart lawyers the dershowitz's of the world and they all say the same thing special counsel is not supposed to exonerate him that's not what they do the hill reached out to senator graham for clarification about his tweet in his office referred the website to a letter from graham to the attorney general about investigating a Pfizer surveillance warrant against Carter Page. That's how all this shit started. A former campaign advisor to then-candidate Trump.

What happens to Carter Page, whose life is ruined? Seriously. You know what I mean? He's not going to get it back, because these lefty fucks, even the ones that are on TV, aren't going to go, yeah, we were wrong. So they're certainly not going to do it in real life when the cameras are off, are they? His life, Roger Stone, still facing possibly spending the rest of his life.

And I'm guessing Trump's going to pardon him. And I'm guessing that's why guys like Stone who have been around for politics forever, I guess that's why they're not afraid to wade into this so far while it was going on. I got to believe Stone's like, Trump knows I have his back and he better fucking park. I mean, that's a big leap, a big chance to take, but come on. Manafort, whatever. Manafort, look, he did tax evasion,

all kinds of horseshit, but not in relation to collusion. So make him do six months at the YMCA teaching gay kids how to cook carrots. I don't know what that means. I said that because I watch the Food Network. I play a little game and I watch his call. Let's find the straight people on the Food Network. There aren't any more. There are none.

Every time I put on an episode of Chopped, 12-year-old boy, at the end he wins. on episode of Chopped. 12-year-old boy. At the end, he wins. I'm taking the money and I'm going to give it to the LGBT bullies against bullies,

bullying bullies. Every third judge is a woman who's 6'3", 260, with a purple crew cut, 11 rings in her nipple, peeling a cucumber with anger because of daddy issues. Is that not the food not work

go ahead make a giant chocolate cake shaped like a dick put sprinkles on it you win timmy i digress anyways a republican say the fbi had abused its surveillance powers you think and improbably obtained the warrant a charge that Democrats rebutted as both sides characterized the documents in different ways. Do you understand when they got the FISA warrant, had the FISA court sign off on it, they didn't tell them that this was being paid for

by Hillary Clinton's campaign in the DNC. They didn't even bring that up. You're supposed to disclose that. There's a million things that a fucking retard like me with a 2.4 in business administration can figure out. Hey, nickdip.com, let me remind you, come see me this weekend. I'm actually excited. I don't get excited about leaving my house.

But Friday, this Friday night, I'll be at Decatur Civic Center, Decatur, Illinois. And then the next night, Saturday, March 30th, Del Mar Hall, St. Louis, Missouri. Friday, April 26th, Steel Stacks, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Friday and Saturday, May 3rd and 4th, Sidesplitters in Tampa, Florida. One of the better clubs in the nation run by a guy named Bobby Jewell, who I absolutely adore. A Yankees fan. He's fucking hard drinking, hard smoking. Crazy motherfucker. Friday and Saturday, May 10th and 11th.

The Governor's at Levittown, New York. Governor's Long Island. Another one of my favorite haunts. I only do like three clubs. That's one. Friday, May 34th. Jonathan's in a gunk with Maine. Saturday, June 1.

Whites of Westport. Westport, Mass. I better turn up the pro-white material there I can't believe you get away with a name like that whites of Westport it's gonna be a bunch of stuffy privileged people in tuxedos I doubt it Saturday August 10th Newtown theater Newtown Pennsylvania Friday and Saturday August 16th and 17th I'll be at the helium comedy club in Philadelphia and that city should be about 171% humidity. My balls will be stuck to my legs for

the entire three days. What a great club that is. Friday, October 18th, the Ridgefield Playhouse, Ridgefield, Connecticut, which was the second choice where I was going to shoot a special. They just couldn't find an open date for me. Friday, November 15th, the Cortland Repertory Theater, Cortland, New York,

and the New Year's Eve, back at the most beautiful venue, Tarrytown Music Hall, Tarrytown, New York. And again, I apologize for smoking a cigarette on that stage. People pointed out, this building was built 3,000 years ago. It's like kindling. And I felt

like saying, really? Well, when fucking Mickey Dolenz was here with his Mickey Dolenzins bandit anybody light a cigarette a couple more super chats go ahead read them loud let me hear you jason all right can you hear me how's this good all right qwerty281 says dems just handed trump 2020 and more soprano drops please ah i have a soprano's drop that uh we can't figure out how to get onto my fucking iPad thing. But it's Polly Walnuts referring to one of the old ladies that hangs out with his mother at the nursing home. A malignant cunt. She's a malignant cunt.

Oh, my God. There it is. It's like hearing Stairway to Heaven. It's just, again, Jason, please. Malignant cunt. Go ahead. All right, Big Bear's Hot Take says McCain gave the dossier to the FBI that led to wiretapping the Trump campaign.

Feel any different today on Trump attacking McCain? This is from Steve from Boston. I know, Steve from Boston. I've known that the whole time. What am I, a fuck? Does it appear I'm not prepared on this show? I've known that since it came out two fucking years ago. Again, I'm going to say it one more time, Steve, you stubborn fuck from Boston. You're just like me, you pig-headed. I clearly made it a point to separate his politics, which I fucking hated, from him being a war hero, which he fucking was, okay? So you can't look back and try to fucking rewrite history. He was in Vietnam, spent five years in a fucking prison camp, could have left immediately, stayed there until all his guys were gone.

That's a fucking war hero, okay? As far as his politics and shit, piece of garbage, no doubt about it. And I understand Trump saying not a fan. I like that because I'm petty too. But try to separate the two. Don't get caught up in your fucking social media world and feel you have to choose a fucking side.

Try to think for yourself. You're going to tell me a guy that went to Vietnam, was fucking shot down, all busted up, spent five years in a prison camp? Really? What's that got to do with a fucking steel dossier? Try to think a little. Don't jump in one camp or the other.

There's some gray area on some issues. That's one of them. Yes, I can't stand him as a politician. There's so many times he would side with the Dems that I didn't fucking get it. And I understand Trump's bitterness towards it. And I didn't like when he said he's not a fucking I still don't agree with that. So, uh, whatever. Let's move on. I couldn't make myself more clearer. Thank you, Stevie. Always love to hear from Boston. Why don't you move out of that fucking, you know

why it's a great city? I shouldn't say that. But I don't know. You must have to douche yourself every night after being surrounded by those bleeding heart jerk-offs. Again, I brought this up several times. I watched New England Sports Network. It has the Bruins and the Red Sox. It's like they're trying to set the record for political...

I saw a commercial the other night. This wasn't even on Nessun. I think this was regular TV. And I'm not making fun. I'm not trying to be... I'm really not trying to be a dick here. But the commercial shows a black guy pushing a white blind girl

in a wheelchair up to the plate and she hits a ball off a tee. When is that ever going to happen again in her life? I mean, is she hoping to get drafted? Is she going to be in the fucking Citrus League? I'm just saying it. I'm trying not to. You have to look at the lunacy of that. I mean, yes, it makes us all feel good, you know,

but oh my God, I fucking, I got to bring back this bit I used to do about Oprah. Oprah went with her gay girlfriend, Gayle King, to some fucking resort in New England up in the woods. I don't know where it was. Anyways, they were hungry. Everything was closed. They ordered some cheesecake from some fucking restaurant, and they went nuts over the dessert.

I don't know what it was. It could have been, you know, hair pie. I don't know what they were eating, but they were so, and they went nuts over it. They found, they called the next day. They wanted to meet the owner. The owners happened to be a couple of gay women who used mentally challenged kids to make the pies and shit. Could you make this anymore, PC? I used to do this bit on stage, some nights to uproar his laughter, other nights to dead silence and it felt better when i was getting the dead silence because i would just fucking give that uh you're not feeling

this i'll repeat oprah and her gay girl well i don't know if she's gay enough but anyways the two women were less anyways oprah has the two women on the show and again i'm just saying how pc it was the most pc story I've ever heard. Gay women running a restaurant with retarded kids making their pies. And then Oprah has them on the next week, they sell 6 trillion pies. And I'm just thinking, I don't want a retard's thumbprint in my blueberries. I just, that's fucking, oh, for Christ's sake, Nick. I'm just saying it. It was so PC that you had to laugh at it until I saw this commercial. And I was, you know,

I got a big taste of the Boston political correctness when I did Comics Come Home and Wanda Sykes went up and ate her own shit by trashing Trump with no jokes. And then I defended Trump and was doing well until I used the word Jew twice to refer to Bernie Sanders or whatever. And then I said, boy, this town

has changed. Not that it was real good in the 70s when they were throwing fucking, Southie was throwing rocks at buses, but I'm just saying. There's got to be a happy medium. Twitter bans a user, here's more bipartisanship in the social media world. Twitter bans user for laughing at Rachel Maddow's tears of despair over Mueller report.

Rachel Maddow had a grand meltdown after being forced by MSNBC to cancel a fishing trip. I can see her in hip boots and a flannel shirt and looking like a young Ted Williams is pulling up a nice trout. And then just sniffing it and throwing it back. What the fuck? Who said what? You are immature. I know, but it's goddamn funny and some of my listeners are immature. She had to cancel a fishing trip and drive into work on Friday night.

Oh, she was. Was she scheduled for that fishing trip? Or did she... Here's my theory on that. She heard. She heard, like we all heard, before the Mueller report came out a couple weeks ago, there was nothing really in there. So she went, that's probably going to break on the 22nd.

I'm going to be up in Burlington trying to catch trout. Maddow fought back tears as she reported on her own collapsing narrative, to which Twitter user Carly Bon at KBQ2251 posted a video of herself laughing at Maddow's despair. Let's take a look. To do that Bill Barr stopped Mueller from doing it. Look at the skull on her.

And that's... She's crying! From Robert Mueller, as well as from Bill Barr. At this point, it's only Bill Barr who is speaking on Mueller's behalf. Robert Mueller is still, at this point, publicly silent, as he

has been from the very beginning. Although, we'll have more on that in a moment. Here's more from the letter, though. Go ahead. we'll have more on that in a moment go ahead put it down lady uh look who joined us he loves the show so much how you feeling buddy huh why you got his head pointing down there you go.

The president has joined us. Congratulations on a tremendous weekend. Look, he's speechless. He can't. Back to Rachel Maddow. How do you feel about this lying douche that went to, you know, she's a genius. She went to Oxford and whatever. And she's always wrong, like most of them. But put that face up there again so the president can see.

Rachel fucking matter. Oh, that's all right. What are you, trying to send us a message there, Jace? Yeah, it's a subliminal shit. Yeah, I noticed she's not crying now. Have to let... Trying to send us a message there, Jason? Yeah, it's subliminal shit. Yeah, I noticed she's not crying now. After that... Oh, God. Money well spent at Oxford,

whoever the fuck... So anyways, this girl, Carly Bond, posted this on Twitter of her laughing at Rachel Maddow's despair. As the video began to go viral,

Twitter suspended her account. But there's no bias there, folks. Bond then tweeted the video from another account, which was quickly amplified by several people, including actor James Woods, who I love, by the way.

Got like perfect scores on his SATs. Who truly gives it zero fucks now that Hollywood has blacklisted him for being openly conservative. Even that goes, like, we don't even question that, you know. While Twitter's ban of Carly May have backfired due to the Streisand effect, reaction to Maddow's meltdowns have been hilarious. We didn't get any of those, too.

Anyhow, can you imagine? Can you imagine they suspended her for laughing at a major media personality making an asshole of herself and getting so emotional? I just have to say this

to Rachel Mano. Big boys don't cry. Big boys don't cry. Big boys don't cry. Big boys don't cry. Just a pompous, arrogant. Remember the night after Trump won that night? Remember her going, you're not dreaming. This is our world. her going, you're not dreaming. This is our world. Guess what? You're not dreaming either. Trump was not charged with collusion. All that shit you've been saying for the last two years is like bird shit on your lap. You're wrong about everything. People on the left, you're not good at life. You suck. The only thing, you go to politics because you can't play sports

and you weren't popular as a kid, you got bullied. So you went into politics. You went into wherever people like-minded people gathered. And you know what? You suck at that too. You're getting beat by a 71-year-old fucking white alpha male billionaire. Your worst nightmare come true.

Am I right, Mr. Trump? Am I right, sir? You are correct. Looks more like Ted Koppel. Oh, so Twitter is proof, right, of social media bias. But it doesn't stop there, ladies and gentlemen. bias. But it doesn't stop there, ladies and gentlemen. Google downplays searches for news of no new indictments in Mueller probe. Did you hear that? Google search is hiding auto-completed text related to the Robert Mueller special counsel investigation, according to a Washington Free Beacon analysis.

Using Google search on multiple browsers and on private browsing mode, the Free Beacon found Google search had an aversion to the search term indictment. Yeah, you wouldn't want that to be in your search engine right now. Using either Trump or Mueller as the subject, the following word, indictment, was not suggested even after spelling out most of it. For example, putting Trump INDI into Google search bar does not lead to Trump indictment,

but rather to Trump India. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? Now try to say that he was trying to build shit in Calcutta illegally? A big tower of diarrhea in New Delhi? Yeah. It didn't lead to Trump indictment, but rather to Trump India. Trump India, Pakistan.

Trump India tariffs. Trump Indiana. You sneaky! You know what's ironic? Trump India tariffs. Trump Indiana. You sneaky. You know, it's ironic. Trump India. Pakar's an Indian, isn't he? Or a Pakistani. Like, there's a big difference.

Diarrhea bombs. Take your pick. How fucking funny. Then if you put in Mueller IND, you get Mueller Industries. Mueller Independent Council. Mueller Industries Stock. Mueller Industries Careers. This problem did not occur with Google search engine competitors, Yahoo and Bing.

Hmm. Strangely enough, those search engines suggested news about the indictments when you typed in the related words. See, that would be a company that's not rigged. Oh, my God. You leftist cocksuckers just lie about everything. From this whole fucking witch hunt. Just everything. To Hillary was going to crush Trump.

You fucking wrong and you lie about everything. I don't try to be partisan here. I just call them as I see them. You guys aren't even good at cheating. You suck at it. You got the goddamn internet, World Wide Web, they call it, because it's world fucking wide.

You have that kind of power. And you got a dumb oaf, supposedly, exposing you. As professional data scientists. This is a person talking in the article with at least some expertise relating to searches and profiling. I can say with near certainty that Google should have pushed me news stories relating to this. And yet I had to search on my own to find the actual results of the report. You couldn't find the Mueller report.

on my own to find the actual results of the report. You couldn't find the Mueller report? But I'm sure if you put in Johnny Manziel or fucking Kylie Jenner as users spell out indictments, Google offered highly unusual search options besides indictments.

One top suggestion was Trump Indicator, which leads to pocket-sized playing dice for P-Knuckle or Bridge. Oh, my aching stem. Somebody wipe my sweaty ass. I just don't understand. Searching specifically for Trump indictment, the Free Beacon found Google before the result Trump indictment, the free beacon found Google before the result,

Trump indictment advent calendar, which leads to a humor story in which indictments of Trump family members are seen as gifts around Christmas time. Oh, that's so fucking funny, you guys. I know what you did. You're a damn pedophile. All right, just get the hell out of here.

I got a goddamn campaign. Son of a whore! Google was previously accused of pushing positive stories about the thick-ankled, dog-faced, leathery nipple, power-hungry whore Hillary Clinton during the 2016 election. Google's CEO, we've talked about him on the show many times, Sundar Pichai, you remember him, don't you?

Of course you do. Where the fuck is he? Oh, here he is. But you don't have opening? No. But why not? Has denied this kind of bias occurs in its search results, saying so repeatedly in a congressional hearing last year.

Another lying left-wing goo gobbler. so repeatedly in a congressional hearing last year. Another lying left-wing goo gobbler. Pekai said such suppression of different views would violate the company's core principles. That's in quotes. Although an executive was caught emailing about making sure Google services helped the thick-ankled dog face in 2016.

That would be Hillary Clinton. He sits there and goes, that would be suppressing and we don't do shit like that. Meanwhile, he's doing this with the backdrop of Google working with the government, the communist government of China, creating a search system that censors what you want to see, what you want to fucking hear. They're denying, they said they put, it's called Dragonfly, that whole project. They said they put it to bed, but we found the, obviously memos and shit we reported on said they put it's called uh dragonfly that whole project they said they put it to bed but we found the obviously memos and shit we reported on it that it's still going on according to a lot of the employees at google so um again another example of left-wing

cum guzzling uh and lying and uh just filthy people time for a civil fucking war. A civil war. A civil war. Hey, don't forget to go to Cameo. Go to nickdip.com and click on cameo.com. Do you want to get a personal video message from me or send one to a liberal that you want to set straight? I can tell. It doesn't even have to be political.

I can tell your next door neighbor to kiss your taint. I can tell your ex she's a filthy syphilitic whore with leathery skin on her forehead. If you like that. Or I can sing happy birthday to your three-year-old. Whatever you guys want. Go to nickdip.com. Click on Cameo. Fill out the information.

Write the messages you want me to deliver. And within 48 hours, it will be delivered. I'll make a little video. Deliver it to whomever you want. For a measly $ bucks. I can make or ruin their day. Over the weekend, I'd say I probably did eight of them. It's fun. It's one of the parts of this business I actually love. Sometimes I just do them in my robe. I'll be sitting in the tub. It's just fun. Somebody write in, hey, Bill, my buddy Bill is getting married to a 600 pound

Samoan broad. I want you to shit all over both of them. And I literally get a chubby. I just go, oh, look at this. It's a fastball down the middle. And I usually hit it about 650 feet. I've got about 19 five-star ratings. Go look. I'm not lying. You're asking me to mini-roast somebody? But when you do this, can I just make it clear? They ask you a couple things. Who it's for, meaning who you're going to send it to, which is for, and by, meaning you, the person making the order. A lot of people are putting the same name in both.

After about a month, I'm like, really? Every guy whose best friend, every guy whose name is Kevin has a best friend named Kevin? But go ahead. Cameo. Do it. It's fun. Hey, Jim Jeffries, who I never got, by the way, you know, don't get him.

Because he's Australian, HBO had to make a star out of him because, oh, he's got an accent. He's not an American, And he's a white guy. And we can cut some slack. Let him say shit. You know, drinking hard, drinking. Not a bad guy, whatever.

I've fucking met him and stuff. But don't get it. Don't get his level of fame. And we'll never understand it. But that's how many simpletons are out there. Likes the word cunt like I do. And I'm sure it's probably used more. It sounds, and that accent,

they get away with it. But anyways, he got busted for the left-leaning piece of cheese he is. Jim Jeffries gets busted editing the shit out of an interview, and it's a no bueno, whoever wrote this said. If you guys remember,

about five, six months ago, they asked me to be on Jim Jeffery. He has a Comedy Central show, which makes them complicit in this type of horseshit. They asked me to do the Jim Jeffery show, probably five months ago. And I said, absolutely not. Fucking definitely a setup. I've seen his show. He's a lefty.

And I did another show, and I can't remember. A couple years ago ago very bland black guy this is if I had a phone people would tell me I can never remember his name he was so unforgettable but you remember he had a show

after the Daily Show they had me on Larry fucking I have no personality for a black guy Wilmore just a crushing fucking bore nice guy but maybe not after what they I went on that show

because Liz Winstead was on it she's a real lefty but I know her and anyways at the end of the show they did this thing where we put hats on and there was a label on the hat but we were we couldn't see what was written on our head and they would give hints and I would have to guess and mine said white devil There was a label on the hat, but we couldn't see what was written on our heads. And they would give hints, and I would have to guess.

And mine said White Devil at the end. And all the cunty lefties had a big laugh. My agent, I won't mention his name, but I argued with him when he brought me the offer. I go, they're going to try to pour it on my ass. But he's like, so what? I listened. It wasn't as bad as what Jim Jeffries is doing. But that shouldn't surprise anybody. This is what they do.

And again, I blame Comedy Central more than I do Jim Jeffries. I mean, he's just fucking making a living being an ass. Anyways, he had this guy on, a Jewish-Australian military vet, Avi Yemeni, his name is. And he went on, and they asked him to come on and do the interview. But Mr. Yemeni, being a smart Jewish fella, knew that this is a possible setup. So what he did, he went to do the interview. He turned his phone on, his record, his video, and hid the fucking phone during the interview, in case Jim Jeffries

and Comedy Central were pulling their shenanigans, which they fucking were, and they try to make him look like an ass. This guy, this Mr. Yemeni, Avi, is a, you know, kind of an anti-immigrant. He doesn't want Muslims pouring in and changing the culture. And he says this shit. He's a military vet. He has the right to say. Anyways, Jim Jeffries did an interview with him and chopped it all up as Comedy Central will do.

I feel so fucking great for saying no to this. That's exactly what they would have done to me. You fucking know it. Am I right there, Trumpski? Goddamn right. Anyways, here's the first of three clips from this. I might sound like a hippie saying this. What gives anyone the right to tell anyone where they can and can't live? When you import this culture, what do you think is going to happen?

Australia is going to end up the same shithole that they came from, that they were escaping. Watch how Jim Jefferies has edited this last clip to make me look like an arse. See what I really said. What gives anyone the right to tell anyone where they can and can't live? Really. Um, borders and government. I know borders, but wouldn't it just be nice if we got to a place in society where we had a utopia, where we all just lived as well?

On a level, I think most people, most sensible people would agree with you in theory. But in practice, it goes against. It goes against human nature. It just doesn't work. Ah. You bloody scumbag, Jim. I love the planet we live on. I love that you got this Jewish guy. He looks like me, for Christ's sake, when I was a little younger.

They love to pretend they're Italian. But military vet. Fucking balls-to-walls dude. From Australia. You got a Jew with an Australian accent, calling out this fucking phony Australian who's made it big over here in America. And it makes for a beautiful world, doesn't it? But you mess with the wrong Jew.

Here's the second clip of Mr. Jeffries trying to pull a quick one on Abiy at Yemeni. But today what I really want to show you is how Jim Jeffries speaks about Islam, about their prophet Muhammad, and about Muslims themselves when he thinks the cameras aren't rolling or when he knows he can cut it out. So Mohammed is considered the perfect man? Right, yes. Okay. You can't draw a picture of him.

No, don't you dare. Don't you dare. I've got enough death threats on me, brother. There he is. Jesus Christ. There he is. He looks like a wobbly ghost. He's finally going to understand Islam after this shit comes out.

That's what you do, Jimmy, when you think no one's going to understand islam after this shit comes out that's what you do jimmy when you think no one's going to see it oh exactly joking and drawing the prophet muhammad meanwhile defending you know shitting on anybody who says look we don't want total even people take moderate you know moderate stances on it we don't mind you know but we have to have some vetting but you say that in Jim Jeffries and people like him oh you're a racist we got another we got one more one more quick one that's not funny you're talking about killing kids that's causing a lot there's a one hear what he just said we'll edit this bit out this is what look bad in these interviews. Hear what he just said? We'll edit this bit out.

This is what Jim Jefferies said. We'll edit this bit out. I never look bad in these interviews. That's what he said on camera. That almost makes me like him. But see? So you people who fucking jerk off the people on Comedy Central.

Oh my God, we're steeped in it, folks. It really is an uphill battle. Thank you for showing up. I swear to God, Christ sent you, Mr. Trump. Just surrounded, marinating in globalists. And that first clip, Jim Jefferies is literally like, why is it all right to tell somebody where to live and shit? He has that utopian wet dream that John Lennon,

he even referenced himself, sort of as it was the Beatles song, he says, I'm not the only one, whatever the words are. But they really have this wet dream that we're all going to hold hands one day and get along. And you'd think that the internet would

expedite that, but what it's done is expose the fissures and it shows how fucking we're just a broken species. They don't understand the human condition. It'll never happen. Hate is as natural as love.

Get that? Hey, that was pretty, I think I said that on the picture in high school after breaking up with a heavyset girl named Jan. Hate is as natural emotion as love and probably more abundant. Okay? We're never going to hold hands. Fucking John Lennon, I appreciate your stuff, but you fucking hacky hippie. I was hurt when you got shot, but I got to be honest with you. I didn't agree with a lot of your lyrics. Doesn't mean I want you dead, although I feel that way about, you know, Maroon 5.

Um, I don't even know who the fuck they are, I just pulled that out. Anyways, Jimmy Jeffries, uh, you like the word cunt, so here you go. You are a cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, a hip-hop stinking cunt. Just cunt. Said and true, but I need to tell you, you're a motherfucking cunt, cunt, cunt, a big fat stinking cunt. Said and true, but it ain't so. You're a motherfucking cunt. You are a cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, a motherfucking cunt. Everybody knows from the head to the toes, you're a big fat stinking cunt.

Son of a whore! Anyway, and another really fucked up part about this, they did that interview, it was done months ago. And they tried to pretend it was like a response to this horrible attack that happened over there. That's even more evil, as the guy pointed out, Feidelberg, that wrote this. Anyways, but the guy that wrote this article

misses the point. He goes, well, why would Avi go on that show knowing, well, he did it to expose him. That's why. He asked the question, why would you go on that show? Well, he went on with a plan to expose, and it's exactly what he did it to expose him. That's why. He asked the question, why would you go on that show? Well, he went on with a plan to expose him, and it's exactly what he did. So, come on, Jim Jeffries. You'd be better than that, yo.

Got a couple of super chats. Let me have them. I need the cash. I want a new shirt for my dummy. All right. Patrick Dorr says says ex-cia chief brennan called trump a traitor anyone want to bring up that brennan and obama knowingly funded jihad in syria to start a civil war there exactly one of many things on brennan's resume how about

that he voted for communists in the 70s absolutely right absolutely brennan was, he should go to fucking jail. I should have put him on my tweet hit list. I say, you know, you know why I said that hang yourself, put a gun in your mouth? Because I know they would never do it. They don't, that takes courage. People say suicides for cowards. I never bought that. Put a gun, Jason just shook his head emphatically.

Jason, we're going to get you some help, man. You've got fucking plenty to live for. You're white, privileged, smart, can play a guitar. I look over, Jason's going, you know, I mean, these cowards would never do that. They would never do it

because it would admit that they were wrong, number one. And it takes a lot of balls. Go ahead. Papa Lou 7171 says, number one. And it takes a lot of balls. Go ahead. Papa Lou 7171 says, thank you from California. We are screwed out here. Yes, you are. Get the fuck out of that state like everybody else that's fleeing. Eventually, here's a funny thing. You know how they say they want to get rid of the electoral college and just make it about New York and Los Angeles and Chicago voting? But what's funny,

people are fleeing those cities in droves. This is hilarious. If they changed it, I just thought of this. I'm going to write this down for a stand-up bit. If they changed it, at the rate people are fleeing California and New York and other major cities, all the powers will be in fucking little towns in Iowa and states like Rhode Island.

So let's change it now. Get the hell out of California. It felt creepy to me when I lived there in the fucking, when did I live there? In the mid-90s, 95 to 99. But it's a hellhole. Just look at all the homeless people and not just in San Francisco and Anaheim, California.

Literally, it looks like fucking third world. It looks like, you know, Brazil or some shit. It's unbelievable what the libs do to the places they run. It's fucking, and you can't argue it. Anyways, that is it, ladies and gentlemen, for today. Tomorrow, I'll get to some good ones. Some army vet lost 25 pounds during Lent just by not eating

and drinking beer. Fucking love that guy. And there's a story about trigger warnings not helping anybody. Once again, the left is wrong. I'm sorry, just pointing out the... So let's pray that Lindsey Graham and the rest of these Republicans

put their money where their mouth is, and we see fucking Obama and Hillary and everybody else being grilled. I don't care about the infrastructure in this country. I'll go off a bridge that's crumbling if you tell me Hillary has to go before a fucking court, and they can find cuffs to fit her fucking under the giant fucking wrist. Anyways, that is it. Thank you so much. Nickdip.com. Go to Cameo and click on that

if you want me to fucking zing some of your friends or say happy birthday to your aunt with a mustache. Anything else, Jace? What am I forgetting? Nothing. I think that's about all. That's about it. Remember, you guys have been thinking it for 25, 30 years.

I've been saying it. And these crow's feet are proof of it. And my nuts are shriveling. I will see you guys tomorrow. Take care. That's what the left does. They invoke. Yes.

Wrong audio. Oh, damn it. That was Jason's song. We'll do that. We'll do that on Wednesday. Jason's nervous today. Come on. We're going to have a smooth exit here. Outro Music