The Nick DiPaolo Show - Trump & Tulsi Maybe? | Nick Di Paolo Show #1562

Episode Date: April 30, 2024

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about Trump & Tulsi, Gunfight in Charlotte and more!  Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 I'm gonna try and take a shit. Folks, you wonder why I played that first. Odo, I got a story for you. And again, a little graphic. I'll try to be a little mature about it, but as a comedian, you know, people are weird, you know. You're like, ah, don't do airplane material. Well, I'm on a plane a third of my fucking life.

So, you know what I mean? I love when they do shit like, really, if I saw a lady having a baby and a guy dressed like a rodeo clown delivering it on a plane, I'm not supposed to tell you about it because it was on a plane. Or, you know, bathroom Yuma. Well, this is bathroom Yuma. But holy shit. Mother of God, buckle up. Not that crazy. I'm sure people have been through something like this. I haven't. Anyways, I'm watching TV last night with a wife and I feel a deuce coming on. So I stand up and walk to the bathroom and I sit down and, you know, I'm like, I took acting classes. You can tell that was good, wasn't it? So it's plain peekaboo.

I feel like it's popping its head out, looking around. It's not spring, whatever the fuck. And it's sort of doing that. But it's weird, because it feels like it's right there, and I've never had that since then, and then it's not. So I'm in there for five minutes, and there's just no luck. So I just stand up, go back in the living room. I'm afraid to sit down.

Like that position might trigger it because it is fucking, it is looking around a corner. You know, I mean, I'm literally standing up watching an American Idol recording or some shit. I'm afraid to sit down. And then I finally go, oh, fuck it. I sit down and then I get the sensation again. So I get back up and go in the bathroom. Same fucking thing. I'm going to be for like 15 minutes.

Come back out. No luck. Whatever. Stand up. And then I just, you know, did what I was doing. Stories, forgot about whatever the fuck, and then I went to bed. I get up this morning and I feel that sensation. So I go in the bathroom, I'm sitting on the fucking toilet, it's not budging, and I'm afraid I'm, oh God, I should have played the clip of The Sopranos. This guy Gigi in The Sopranos, that's how we went out after Thanksgiving, he ate, you know,

a turkey sandwich. That'll block you. Turkey blocks people. That's how they had him die. A capo on the toilet. You know, you guys are Sopranos fans. So I'm pushing. I'm afraid I'm going to pull an Elvis or a fucking... Because I'm really straining. And I'm going, this is

not normal constipation. You know, it's like, this is, I don't know what the fuck. I sit there for almost like 25 minutes. I'm doing, preparing for this. Doing my fucking homework. And it's not fucking budging.

Finally, I call the wife downstairs on my phone. Fucking walkie talkies. I go, we got to, you know what FUBAR is in the military? I said, remember last night I couldn't, I go, I don't know what the fuck to do. I've been here almost a half hour, you know. And then she suggests enemas, which she always does, and I always, and I don't get constipated that much, but I've been with her for 30 years. So there's been times she always suggests an enema, and I always say, I don't get it.

There's a fucking pipe that's clogged with cement, and you're going to stick a water bottle in it? It's not going to fucking do the trick. I don't shit like a rabbit like you do, little pebbles. This is a fucking Redwood. But I have no other choice. So she fucking, she gets me. We only have one left. So I go, get out of here. I don't want you to see me like this again. And I said, I'll never ask for anal again, I promise after this. So I pumped the whole bottle in there. I'm on all fours.

Not then. And it's spilling out. Can you make the fucking bottle so it doesn't leak? Delicious. Thank you. That's right. I'm knee deep in red-eye gravy. There's water on the floor.

And yeah, it's kind of shit water because it's touching whatever's blocking the fucking pipe. I do another one, another fucking bottle and most of it's going in and I'm feeling nothing. I'm going, this is fucking, now I've been in there

for Christ, it's got to be 50, 55 minutes. And I go, I said, you got to go get that fleet shit, a fleet atomizer. Apparently that has medication in it. I don't like the name of a fucking thing that makes you shit. It's got fleet on it. Isn't fleet quick? Fleet of foot?

I didn't, I wasn't crazy. She had to go to this fucking CVS while I'm sitting there doing my homework on my phone because I love you people. And so then I try that and you gotta stick it right and I don't know how women and figure skaters male figure skaters do it uh so then so I pumped the fucking and I go if this doesn't work am I gonna have to go to the fucking hospital I was really getting nervous so then I pumped the fucking the the fleet anima in there. And you stay down, they say, from one to five minutes. I'm down there about 11, hearing a little gurgling, like somebody cut somebody's throat.

But nothing, no fizz action that I was promised. And so Andy comes back up. And I'm on all fours. I go, come in. I don't give a shit. And, uh, I go, what the fuck? I go, I got a whole fleet thing, man. You know? And, and, uh, that sounded like a Navy joke. I had the whole fleet in my ass. So she improvs and starts rubbing like my lower back and I start to feel movement you know and and and she starts i

said go up a little higher so she's rubbing from like the middle of my back down and as she's massaging i can feel some action probably relaxing your uh lower back you've been working so hard no you're exactly right exactly right and i think and the fleet combined but it wasn't going anywhere because i that were the because the fleet was in there for a while. And yeah, so does she started doing that. Imagine the one time she gives me a massage. I shouldn't say one time.

She always gives me a massage. I hate giving a massage. I'm such a lazy fuck. I go, how's that going? So yeah, so I go, okay, I think you've fucking got it loose, magic fingers. Get out of here. And then I sit on the toilet, and again,

I'm fucking pushing, and I'm starting to have, again, it sounds like Sharon Tate laying on the rug with her throat cut. So finally, I feel a sensation, a real one. And I still had to push, like, fucking, I don't want to get too graphic. But you got to look in the toilet to see what was fucking disturbing.

Did I mention I had nachos and cheese two nights ago? Okay, I know you guys at home are going, it's the Ozepic, it's the Ozepic. It's not the fucking Ozepic. I had, you know, nachos are just like having somebody spackle your ass shut. And I had a thousand jalapenos on it. My wife had the opposite effect, she was in the bathroom three seconds later, and I'm walking around with a fucking plaster of Paris. And so finally, I look in the, and again, it's a normal, a normal, about two inches wide.

It goes like that. And again, sorry folks, but I'm just saying, and then it goes like this. I'm not kidding. I wanted to take a picture because nobody's going to believe me. It was wider than my fucking fist. My, my wrist, I should say. It was wider than my fucking wrist. How did your 1800s plumbing handle it? Quite well. We got the toilet with the box and chain. We could put the gun behind there. We got one of those, you know?

And you've heard it. It sounds like a jet taking off when you... So, yeah, I was a little worried. I was going to go, is this going to even... So, yeah, it went like this, and then wide, and then back to, I mean, and you know, and it was shaped like a fucking J. Half in the water, half out. Again, I know, too great.

But that fucking block, I can see what the problem was. I don't know. Again, I don't know how the fruit cups do it. But yeah, we broke the rock loose, and Jesus Christ, what a relief. And I heard, you know, having babies, and just, oh, shut up. This is worse than having a baby.

Size of a baby's head. If I weighed it, it would have been probably bigger than a premature baby. Like five pounds, eight ounces. Anyway, I didn't think I was coming to work. I'm like five pounds, eight ounces. Anyway, I didn't think I was coming to work. I called Dallas

and I go, dude, I might not be there for a half hour. You might have to run a fucking vest up or whatever. I didn't know

if I was coming in today. If that didn't, and then what do you do? Go to the hospital? Is the next step? I will, fuck that. I will die in my bathroom.

Fuck that. I'm not going to have some 22-year-old and they're like, oh, shit. Why do I say that like you're going to be attracted to me in the first place. Fuck that. I'm not going to have some 22-year-old in there. Oh, shit. Why do I say that like you're going to be attracted to me in the first place? Fuck it. I really am in a dream state. Anyways, that's, anyways, it felt, it just, even now I'm feeling the relief. Anyways, I hope that wasn't too gross.

That's something like I'll turn into a bit, because I know it was a little funny coming out the first time. If I sat down and studied that, I'd be a master. Without saying the word shit either. That's the key. Anyways, hey, in the second half of the show, I'll be talking about my pee-pee was blocked.

I'm telling you, the plumbing is riding away. Second half of the show, got a funny clip of James Carville, the crazy fucking Cajun who got Bill Clinton elected. Smart guy, but nuts like every lefty. Fucking crazy as a shit. He was cursing out young voters, Democrat voters. And also, apparently some white people have had enough in a section of Baton Rouge, Louisiana,

and they're seceding, and the judge cleared it. The judge cleared it. So that's very interesting, and we'll take a look at that. That's all exclusively on Mug Club, so join now to get it at nickdip.com. Hey, boys and girls, head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, t-shirts, hoodies, and more. It's yet another way for you to support the show and look sexy at the same time. You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nick-a-shirts. Just go to NickDip.com and click on store. Again, that's NickDip.com, click on store.

Thank you guys so much. See you soon. Let's get to the news. Trump and Tulsi, a distinct possibility. I love the idea of this. I said it was going to be that Elise Stefanik, that woman in New York politician who has always had Trump's back and actually won, I think, an election in New York. I thought it was going to be her, but Tulsi would be, to me,

I wanted Ramaswamy. We haven't heard much from him, have we? I wanted him, but he's too smart, actually, to be the vice president. He's better off, actually, in an actual position president. He's better off actually in an actual position. But Tulsi, not that she's dumb, but she's perfect. She's a woman number one, a real woman. And she's not retarded. She's a military woman, an officer.

She's soft-spoken. She's attractive. She was a Democrat. She's from a liberal state of Hawaii.i doesn't get any more liberal that and she finally had had enough two years ago and left the party she could not she could not like uh explain away immigration and all that she and she's a military person she knows when we're in danger and she knows what the score is. And I think she would be perfect because she could soften Trump a little bit as far, you know, as far as and again, she's female. I mean. Republicans can always use a female veteran. I mean, it's it's exactly there. Exactly. It's not like McCain. She can raise both her hands.

So I love the idea. I really do. Anyways, who cares what I like? So anyways, former U.S. rep Tulsi Gabbard indicated to Blaze TV host Dave Rubin, I've been on that show, good guy, that if former President Donald Trump asked her to serve as his 2024 running mate, she would accept, she said, she would accept the offer. I fucking, look at that.

That looks good. Trump's already got his tie down his shirt. You can grab another pussy. Gabbert told Rubin, if that call came, I would say yes. She indicated that getting the U.S. back on track would involve having courageous government figures who care more about the country than they do about the political elite in Washington, which is exactly her and Donald, and actually rooting out the deep rot that exists within our bureaucracies, the administrative state and the deep state in Washington. She also said this. Let's take a look.

Also, she also said this. Let's take a look. I've experienced almost to a person. Yes, there will always be detractors, no matter what. You're never good enough for everybody, which is fine. But I have experienced overwhelmingly people who recognize that I love my country and who share that love and who have nothing but warmth and their version of the aloha spirit and it's been it's been a wonderful experience and that is where i i find hope dave is that across the country i know that there are far more people who love our country

than there are those who want to destroy it people who love our country than there are those who want to destroy it. Man. Really. Again, I wanted Ramaswamy, but I think he'd be more effective in running an actual agency. Yeah, the way she speaks, it feels like a no-brainer, especially when you compare her against Kamala. Yeah, no cackling. No fucking made sense. She's not fascinated by school buses and Venn

diagram. Look at, she's attractive and, like I said, military, smart, soft-spoken, perfect. Because Trump, they give him guff that he wasn't in the military, you know, yet he can't. So she would soften that, really, when you think about it. Anyways, Gabbard, who served in Congress as a Hawaii Democrat from early 2013 through early 2021, back to Joe Biden, her only mistake in 2020 when she dropped her bid for the Democratic presidential nomination. Remember, she fucking, she's the one who destroyed Kamala. No, was it Kamala she destroyed? Who did she destroy in the debate? So we never, yeah, it was Kamala. Didn't she point out Kamala being a horrible,

I don't know. But anyways, but she announced in 2022 that she was leaving the Democratic Party. Bye-bye. Which tells me, and again, I give people a lot of credit for that, who wake up, means they're conscientious. Her book, For Love of Country, Leave the Democrat Party Behind, that's the title.

For Love of Country, Leave the Democrat Party Behind. That's the title. It's slated for release on April 30th. Today, talk about timing. ABC News reported that Gabbard, referring to independent presidential candidate RFK Jr., said in a statement, I met with Kennedy several times and we've become good friends. Gabbard reportedly said in a statement, he asked if I would be his running mate. After careful consideration, I respectfully declined, which tells me that she might have heard whisperings that she could be the nod for Trump. I think it would be great. Anyways, I'm going to tell you something out of some fucking horrible life under Biden, basically. I know this happens under every president, but this country has never

been more violent and anti-cop and fucking anti-Jewish and anti-anything good. Gunfight in Charlotte. Charlotte, I always said, was going to be the place if there was a race war, it would tip off there. It's just because there's a mixture of white and black there. And I don't know. I get this weird feeling at Charlotte Airport. I'll see, you know, I don't know. I feel country and I feel hip-hop sort of living next to each other.

Again, I don't know. An agent with the U.S. Marshals and three police officers were killed Monday and four other officers wounded when they were met with a hail of bullets while trying to serve a warrant in Charlotte, North Carolina. Gunfire broke out around 1.30 p.m. in a tree-lined residential street about 20 minutes west of downtown Charlotte as officers attempted to serve a warrant for a convicted felon in possession of a firearm. What's this motherless fuck's name?

I don't know. I don't even know what his race is. I'm going to go out on a limb and say black. I don't know that, but some of the officers were gunned down in a second. Were gunned down in a second surprise round of gunfire after the first officer shot and killed the wanted suspect in the initial barrage of bullets on a front yard in the quiet suburban neighborhood. So they killed the suspect. And then there's a second a burst because the cops probably thought they're out of danger or whatever what a fucking joke anyway here's a quick clip of showing how many cops were there and uh just uh look at this this is a quiet tree-lined street wow this crazy ruthen

no problem see the black you know all due respect to the black kid but you don't fucking walk up behind the cops with your hat on crooked and again the whole world including white people would yell well what that what are you saying that's racist especially in a situation where everything's tense like that i think he fucking it's not tense to him he's seen this on video games and on cops. He fucking. That's what I'm talking about, the cops. I mean, the cops are tense.

No, I know, but he fucking, black kids don't give a fuck. When the gun smoke cleared, the suspect, the subject of the warrant whose name was not released, was dead on the front lawn. Bye-bye, dickhead. Only good news. But when officers approached the home again, more fire erupted from within Jennings City.

He's one of the lead guys. The dead included, these are two dead guys? Yeah. The dead included U.S. Marshal, two officers from the State Department of Adult Correction, and local Charlotte Mecklenburg police officer Joshua Iyer, seen here. These guys, okay, just think about what they do for a living. You know, we only talk about it when this shit happens.

It's like being an offensive lineman, I said, when you're a good cop. Nobody notices it until you fuck up or something like this happens. Kiss their wife and kids in the morning. You don't know because of scumbags like this and, you know. So they kill one guy.

And I guess there was a guy and a woman in the house that they have in custody now. They don't know what part they played in it. Fucking horrible. And not in any information out there about anybody. What do you mean about anybody who about the alleged shooters there's nothing

out there there will be by today I'm sure yeah I know we didn't hear any yeah but my point is they're usually

Johnny in the spot whenever something like that goes on and the people are in custody no and it's black people they ain't

white people they are they get the name right out there. Yeah, exactly For those of you on mug club stick around for the second half of the show everyone else go to Nick dip calm to get my full show of Steven Crowder's full show in a whole lot more and While you're at my website Nick dip commip.com, click on the tour dates. Tomorrow night and Thursday night,

I'll be at Sidesplitters Comedy Club in Tampa. And then on May 10th, I'm doing two shows at Soul Joel's Comedy Club in Pottstown, PA. And the very next night, Count Basie Theater, Red Bank, New Jersey, on May 11th.

Got a nice chunk of another 18 tickets last night. I'm like, I wonder what they showed that, you know, it's well over 700 now. Anyways. Hi, good night, everybody. Good night, everybody. I won't take all that they hand me down And make out I smile though I wear a frown And I'm not gonna take it all lying down

Cause once I get started I go to town Cause I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else And I don't wanna live my life like everybody else And I don't wanna be destroyed like everybody else And I don't wanna get a job like everybody else

Cause I'm not like everybody else I see you singing, what are you? I'm not like everybody else