The Nick DiPaolo Show - Trump Vs. Welker | The Nick DiPaolo Show #1945

Episode Date: August 31, 2026

In today's episode Nick talks about Trump Vs. Welker, A Mexican Family Feud, Prankster Busted, PBR Stolen and Tomb Raiders! WATCH THE FULL SHOW LIVE & FREE at 6pm ET only on Rumble! https://rumble.com/thenickdipaoloshow/ TOUR DATES, SOCIALS, PERSONAL VIDEOS, STREAM ALL MY COMEDY SPECIALS! https://www.nickdip.com/ MERCH - GRAB A MUG, TSHIRT, HOODIE, STICKERS AND MORE! https://shop.nickdip.com/

That was audio from the view. Joy Behar had something to say, Welcome to the live lineup, folks. Jesus Christ! I'm going to start smoking again. I had a clearer throat. Hi, how are you? I had my teeth in, folks.

I brought the wrong ones, and I was slurring like Dalfie Duck. I took them out. Get used to the fuddliness. I don't give a fuck. I'm almost dead soon. Thank God. I've had enough of this party.

How are you? Happy birthday to thee. Let's make up fake birthday. Welcome to the live lineup where you It's free shows all day if you want, add free shows Just Roying Pumblechiemian By the way, I get the Post put in this week That's not the teeth, but it's the Post.

Joint Rumble Premium. Don't forget to follow my channel, download the Rumble app. Today I'm going to be talking about Trump versus Kristen Welker, round two. She's that, you know, NBC puppet. A Mexican feud that ends up. and gunshots, but it was worth it. It was about food argument. We got a prankster who got

busted, you know, these kids that do crazy shit to get clicked so they can make money on the internet? One of them, the cops have had enough. Somebody stole a PBR truck, and all I I get to say to that guy is you get good taste. Yummy. And what else?

Some lady on a plane, my ears are plugged on a plane. I can't hear anything for two hours after. And this lady apparently had the same problem, but she couldn't clear her ear, so she went to the doctor and found some bad news. That's why there is no God. No, I'm kidding, folks.

You know this one. He's black, and he plays guitar. He's dead now. Jimmy Hendricks. What? Shut up. Your mother, your father. Weekend.

What was going on? Red Sox, look, I tell you when they do good, I'm not a fair weather guy. They stunk it up in New York. And it was kind of importance, because we were leading the series and all we had to do is split these four games and we would have the, you know what, tiebreaker

if it was a tiebreaker for the, you know what spot, wild card. All we had to do is take two out of four. We didn't. Yesterday I think the final was 17 to 2. What's ironic is we got Roman Anthony back and Trevor Story, two of our superstars who've been out since May and they both had two hits

and the rest of the guys who've been carrying us all. Can you imagine the Sox coach had to go to this guy, Mickey Gasper, who's been up and down from AAA for a few years, or maybe two years, the last two years. He had five home runs in 11 or 12 games and 12 RBIs and was hitting 400 and something. He had to go to him and say, you've got to go back down. Anne Anthony Siegler, this kid who's been the energy

throughout that 15-game win streak, he can hit he's a great field and young he's all fired up and his energy was really sometimes they think I get that that's blown out of proportion but it was true he lit the flame when they needed it he had to go to those guys and say

you're going back down can you imagine and I'm sure they said you're going to be back up don't worry about it but what are you going to do not play Roman Anthony you already gave him about $140 million same with Trevor Story and it was just one of those days

they couldn't hit The last 10 runs were off like a guy, you know, a position play for the Red Sox, throwing lob balls the last two winnings. Anyways, they stunk it up. That's the bottom line. What the fuck else? I saw a guy Dallas. I don't have you seen this guy.

His name is Louis Durango. And his father played in the majors, I don't know, 15, 20 years ago. It was pretty good, I guess. This kid's his son, Louis Durango, Jr. He's in AA right now. I should have brought a clip. I don't know why I didn't bring it. He stands, he's a lefty,

he stands in the back of the batter's box, and when the pitch is thrown, he starts running up like softball. He takes three steps and just slaps the ball. First of all, he's lightning fast. So he tries to hit ground balls. They said 68% of his contact is ground, and he beats it out.

He can fly. But wait, wait, do you see? this. I go, is this real? I'm like, is he even in the batters block when he makes contact? He looks like he's two feet in front of the batters block. But he runs up like you're playing slow pitch. Each year old, each year old used to do a little of that. And each row would take a step and then kind of, this guy times 10. It's the oddest thing I've ever seen. So remember that name. I couldn't believe what I saw. What else this weekend? College football. I hope there's no gay fan.

I know women don't watch a show, but gay fellas, just stay with me. Well, you like sports, too. You like the cheer lead and shit. College football got underway officially, and no real big games, but just good to see people getting fucking knocked out and paralyzed and shit. It's just all-American fun, isn't it? Sure it is. And you look at these brothers on the sideline,

if some of them aren't 38 years old, I'm not a day old. And they all get dreads, and you know they'll be imprisoned. most of them. And they're so good at football because it's fucking control violence and it's to me still the best thing that ever happened to the country. Anyhow, so you got that. I watched

the given last night. Okay. Thursday, I get the post put in. This is how this works. You can go with these fake choppers your whole life, but you can't really talk or chew with them. Or you get implants, which most people do. It costs a lot of money.

You get a post what I had put in three months ago, they put it right into your jawbone. And then they, then after they do that, which is done Thursday, one here and one over here, and I have to wait another three months, I guess. And then a dentist or whoever puts in an abutment, that connects the post to the crown you're going to put on it. And then you can actually bite down on real food and shit. I still do. I eat it with my left. I've been eating everything on my left side. So you guys, I'm sure you're fucking biting your nails on that one. All right, slow weekend.

What the fuck you want? What's the matter with you? What the fuck else? Oh, bitch and kitchen. Speaking of food. That one pretty good. I see over 30,000 views. I haven't watched it, Dallas.

How the ending look. That looks great. People liked it. Apparently. Also, people want more. Bidgin Kitchen. Jesus Christ. I'm going to go.

from comedian to a fucking faggot cook. Welcome to the funny chef. Hey, what's two carrots and a dick gotten caught? Whatever. But good recipe, was it not? That shit is gist. But speaking to good recipes, folks, like, pizza is my favorite.

I'm a stereotypical guinea pizza and pasta. But right behind that for me is steak. A well-cooked steak. So I made a London broil. Why did I pick London broil? Because my wife hates it. So I get to eat the whole two and a half pound London broil. And I do, by the way.

As Dennis Larry said, people go, you know, meat stays and you call them for 10 years. He goes, I pay taxes on it. I bought it. I don't give a fuck. So what I did, it was, you guys know this method. Reverse. I know Dallas does a reverse sear where you put it in the oven first at a very low temperature. 250. This was a thick one. Two and a half pounds. So, you know, it said anywhere from 20 to 45 minutes.

It's like, okay, dude, it's a bit of a fucking, you know, anywhere from a minute to two hours, you fuck face. So I put it in there and I checked it and checked it after 30, 35. I was in there for a good 45 minutes. And it brings the temperature to the, and put it in coal right from the fridge. That gives you room to play with, actually. And I got it up to like it said, get it up to like 118 or 120. And then you take it out. And of course I put it in the refrigerator the night before I rub dry rub on it, which draws the blood out.

And then the blood goes back in. And it works. That method word. I don't give it back to me. It's really true. And then I did, again, this guy's name is Frank Miller. I think I mentioned him last week. Older guy, white beard.

He was a butcher for like 38 years. He called it behind the ball. block, just Google Frank Miller and Stakes on YouTube. And all his videos are 35 minutes, and he talks a mile a minute. He's like a no-boat. I can see him yelling at the guy shooting at some young kid. Hey, I don't give a fuck. Let's go.

He knows more about steak than fucking Ted Williams knew about hitting up baseball. And the cast iron skillet, he goes, don't heat it up for five minutes. Heated up for 10. You put that thing on high for 10 minutes. Believe me, you touch your finger that. You're going to lose a hand. And, yeah. So I took it out of the oven.

I let it rest for 10 minutes. I don't know why. That's what I tell you to do. And the temperature was about 120, which is raw, pretty much. And then I brushed it lightly with oil, not olive oil, something with a high smoking point. And then put it under the broiler, three or four inches away from the flame. For about a minute and a half, keep an eye on it. Because with a broiler, you know, it can go from zero to fucking eight alarm fire in three seconds.

So I brushed it lightly with like, I think all I had was, you know what. I think I had avocado oil, which is perfect. But don't soak it. Just make it gliss a little. And then put it back, you know, put it in there under that flame three to four inches away. Oh, by the way, when you cook it in the oven, put it on a rack so there's air under it too. All this shit makes a difference. And so I did that.

And I put it on the broiler about a minute and a half on each side. And this is what it looked like when I took it out. Look at this fucker. Can you open that one? No, no, don't. Yeah, go ahead. They don't need to see my puss. I know you might be saying that looks burnt.

It's not. It's a nice mahogany. Here's what it looks like cut open to show you that was cooked perfectly. Doesn't it look like a dog get hit by a car and that's his leg? Well, in China. Does that not make, is that not medium rare? Dallas, did I not nail that fucker? I put the fucking thing in.

It says take it out. You'll be at about 128 and let it sit for 10. It should go up to 132. I went up to 134. Perfect. Oh, yeah, two degrees to make shit. Perfect. Let it sit.

You have to let it rest for at least 10 minutes. Because if you cut it, well, it's still pulsating. It's going to bleed all over the plate, which is fun if you work for the Manson claim. Am I right? All right. Enough of that bullshit. I guess you want to get to. Whatever, news.

Trump versus Welker, round two, ding, ding. President Trump raged at Meet the Press anchor, Kristen Welker Sunday for casting aspersions on his endorsement record, saying she should be reprimanded by the FCC. I just love that Trump's like, I don't care if the left goes fucking crazy. I don't get, he's got the world in perspective. after all they lying they've been doing to us for 50 years and still doing it, framing the more shit came out about Letitia James,

emails telling, she was telling her underlings, just find a crime. Some company that Trump's involved with, does business with, just find a company that has a dirty past. It's right in the emails. She was just out to get him. Doesn't give a fuck about the crime in New York City. She's just an angry black fucking racist bitch who should be behind fucking bars.

And again, I want to see somebody go to jail. She's supposedly in trouble. We'll see. Black woman, you know, got a white woman on trial for strangling her toddlers, three of them. I'm sure she won't be held a cunt because she has a vagina. If a guy kills his three kids,

at least guys have the balls to put the gun in their own mouth. This fucking twat's going to do a year and have to work at a car wash. Mark my fucking words, and God, I hope I'm wrong. anyways what was I talking about before I snapped look at me cover my mouth hope hey hoop

don't tell me my business boy Welker said Trump had mixed results with his highly coveted endorsement in GOP primary elections this cycle what your cycle batch but Trump lashed out at the claim and urged FCC Commissioner Brendan Carr to take the threat

and a quote threat to our country very seriously in quotes. How can anyone be allowed to say this working for freely given public airwaves? Results are attached. Because of this purposeful inaccuracy, she will be reported to the FCC for rebuke or punishment. Trump bristled on truth social. Unfortunately, she is not the only one.

Trump had made some 313 endorsements and had a 96% success rate. Now, thank you. But this is how you can tell. Even the New York Post, it's supposed to be right-leaning, according to the ballot media. That's what they do for a living. Many of those endorsements were in primaries that weren't very competitive.

It's still 96%. If you got them wrong, would you have said that? Would you report it? Of course you would. And this is the New York Post. but even in how the competitive races Trump's endorsement usually proved to be critical such as Texas, Louisiana, and South Carolina

Senate races. Trump noted that he had 100% success rate in GOP Senate primaries and 98% sex rate where he finger popped a intern at the House of Pancakes in Silver Springs, Maryland. Now here's Timmy with the fucking forecast. He contended that many of the candidates he backed were not even given a shot of winning until I endorsed them. You know what? Probably true.

And I say, if you're right, you ain't bragging. Anyways, it's just a truth. The radical left news is going out of their way to harass demean and libel anything Trump, the President fumed. In actuality, it is without question the strongest endorsement in the history of politics. Probably true. Never seen anything like it. That's what they're saying. I'm going to say.

If you don't remember Trump's history with Welker, here's a little reminder. This was, I don't know, a year or two ago. When was it, though? Earlier this year, was it? Okay, thank you. Somebody's on the ball. This was earlier this year when Trump brought up,

yeah, you're right, you can tell by looking at it, when he brought up about the election being stolen and shit. And just watch her natural reaction is to have a, she has a knee-jerk reaction, which reporters are not supposed to do. You're supposed to sit back, take it in, listen to what he's saying,

and then go. She's cutting him off because she has a job to do. She's guarding the fucking big lies. They've become the truth to people who vote Democrat, and I'm just plain fucking stupid. Could I be any more biased? I don't give a fuck. Nick, you're cutting out half your audience.

No, I never had any. left-wing audience since my first open mic. So suck a dick and action. That these elections are rigged. Your network knows that they're rigged. You know that I won an election in a landslide and I

got 94% bad press. You know why I got that? That's a great point too. He didn't make that up when you can, Trump blows on them. No, you can look that one up. Media Research Center, MRC. They keep track of that shit. He got

94% negative coverage and he won in a landslide. So he won in spite of these cock suckers. Go ahead. Because you have no credibility. But you've never presented evidence that it was rigged. Let's keep talking about. See how she tries to pivot? Let's talk about.

But here's what Trump should have facts. A little, I like to seem to get more specific, you know, like going, like they always go, they didn't even, all the courts said you were lying about the results and they didn't even let it into courts. Judge wouldn't even look at it. Just bring that one factor.

Giuliani had a shitload of oh and covering the windows at voting centers, that's up and up and Biden getting 100,000 votes in the middle of the night out of nowhere. Suck a dick. Kristen. Mine. Fucking whore.

I would even fuck you for practice. Go ahead. You have more evidence. There's more evidence than ever presented. Let's talk about... You're elections in this country. We're like a third world country. Your elections are crooked. Listen to her.

And you're crooked. And meet the press is crooked. And so is ABC and CBS. You stupid fucking blah-a-mouthed. One-sided crooked networks. Let's call it quits because I've had enough. Thank you, darling. Have a good time.

I watch that like porn. Thank you, darling. And have a good time. Not have a good day. Have a good time. As a lot of people say, we don't deserve that guy. I don't know that I'll ever vote anymore after him. It's only going to be disappointed.

That's not true. What am I saying? We've still got JD and fucking Rubio. And DeSantis. Hey, November 5th, somebody said I'll be at the punchline in Atlanta. Then they said I'll be at the river casino the next night on 6th of November in Philly. And then November 7th, the next night, Seoul, Joel, potstop here. I'm working like Kuntikinti on that weekend. Go to Nick Dip.com to get your tickets

now before they sold out. Well, you're here. Go to the merchandise page. That's how you support this show by buying a silly hat, some tampons, and a block of Vermont sharp shitter. By the way, Greg Gutfeld gave me a shout out on the air. Did I, did you? I didn't tell you about it, I? I can't remember the setup but I said it was as difficult as listening to Rosie and I don't do all the shit jokes that's him by the way but what I I do them with poetry so I came up with this and I go he's gonna I said it was as difficult as listening to Rosie O'Donnell trying to birth a 14 inch sewer pickle after eating a whole block a whole wheel of a mont shark yeah I think I could get something else with some other. Anyways, he goes, thank you, Nick DePaul. And it got laughs, you know,

it didn't murder. But the fact that he said that was, I, because I always have this concern. I go, does he know who's giving him? What? You know, I just want to know. It doesn't matter, Nick, just take your paycheck. No, that's not how I fucking live, all right? Anyways, but I, I'm watching the show and it shocked me. You know, I was like, I want him to do that after a joke that murders. all my friends and family go we can tell which ones are you and I go no you can't because sometimes I can't you know I'm not that I'll do yeah I'll throw in a shit joke or you know I'll give them what they want make fun of the view here and there but I also put a lot of shit in there and this is why I love a Greg Gutfeld you know he plays like he's got a big

ego but he's really only kidding because he's so fucking smart he knows to use the good shit and a lot of my stuff isn't in joke form it's not supposed to be. It's me ranting a little bit, making a point, and he uses it, if it's a good point. What are you saying? He's bright because he lights you?

Yeah. That's what I'm saying. And he's got a lot of great writers over there. Joe DeVito, Mackey, there's some funny motherfuckers over there. And I watch those opening jokes at the beginning based on the news.

They are way better than they used to be. So he's got a good stuff. Anyways, I don't know why I'm saying that when I'm trying to plug this piece of shit. Buy a fucking hat and get out of here. Also, you want to send a personalized video to somebody? I'll say what you're thinking so you don't have to.

Book it at shoutout.us, like us. I mean us, not U.S., period. I don't know what it means. I got one waiting, though. Just came in this morning. Let's move on to Family Feud, Mexican style. A new Mexico man, not a new guy that lives in Mexico. this is a guy in New Mexico

A new Mexican guy showed up with a new coat of Greece A New Mexico man is accused of fatally shooting his cousin I hope it was a good reason for it Oh there was After an evening of drinking escalated from an argument over Anceladus into a fist fight

Irvin Joaquin Gutiatus They all look the same too Black people I apologize 22 years old is charged with an open count of murder. Did you just say he murdered his cousin over an enchilada argument? I did. In the August 27th killing of Nathaniel Cabausos, or as they say, cabasos, they like the B for the V.

Or the ball player, talk like that, at an apartment complex in Albuquerque. Gutierrez was arrested by Albuquerque Police Friday evening. He's being held on an open count of. of murder with a side of refried beings. Albuquerque police responded to a shooting shortly before 11 p.m. and found the cabasos unresponsive.

A cousin said the three bought groceries returned to the apartment and cooked green enchiladas. They must have been spoiled. While drinking alcohol, never a good combination. Three Hispanics guys, three Latinos with alcohol,

they're going to get to fight over the carpet, the light bulbs. God, that looks delicious, though. If you ever had real Mexican food, folks? I mean real Mexican. When I lived in L.A., I went to a couple of, like, real Mexican restaurants. Tremendous. I was bleeding from the ass for a month, and I didn't care.

I went right back and used it for a sauce. The witness told authorities, tension began when Gutierrez repeatedly claimed, listen to this, the chili on his enchiladas was hotter than the chilies on Cavazzo's plate and challenged him to eat. some. Here they are arguing. I got to go to the guy on the left. Have it go down on a check that Tom DeMa? Oh Nick, did you say that? I did write it down, Dell. That's a, that's a safety.

I call that a safety play. Cavazzo's responded that they had all eaten the same enchiladas. So the chili should be equally hot. The men continued, the men continued arguing. Eventually, Cavazzo punched Gutierrez and the two fought. Cavazzo struck Gutierrez enough to leave him bleeding before the fight ended. And Cavazos began walking away. Gutierrez then allegedly pulls out a handgun. This is his cousin and confronted Cavazzo saying, we're family. We have family.

How could you do this to me? The witness told the investigators. The witness said Cavazzo was about 10 feet away and was not holding a weapon when Gutierrez fired three or four times. striking him in the back and then he fled. Oh my God. What the fuck?

I am the sweet. What are you writing? What are you writing? You're typing in the script? You're typing in the script? What? Oh, good. Thank you.

I don't know. I don't fucking watch you while I'm doing this. What the fuck? You get all defensive. I look at you when I ask a question. What do you think I thought I meant? Are you writing a letter to my wife? Can we mention what you got coming, your family?

Dallas has got another one on the way. He thinks it's black. I don't know what happened there. I don't know. No, he's got another one coming. How, hello is Dimitri? 16 months. 16, and this one's due one?

April? April 8th? April 8th, the week before Dimitri's birthday. It's pumping him out. remember his wife has some Spanish blood in it and Dallas apparently's like a fucking Scots turf builder that's what he's shooting oh look at me laugh with my hillbilly we're gonna have to put that on the oh god

I'm sorry folks you're gonna like when you get old to master prankster busted that's the headline of the next one in Arizona social media influencer who racked up millions of views by posing as an employee in staging disruptive takeover attempts of local businesses has pleaded guilty to criminal impersonation. Heston James Cobb, who posts online as Heston James. God damn, and I kept the thing rolling. He went into businesses while dressed up.

He hires a bunch of kids that dress up like, you know, like Chipotle workers. And then they'll storm a Chipotle and like those are his workers and he's a manager or something. It's a dumb idea to begin with. It's not even funny, but it's kind of funny once he, gets in trouble. Anyways, they go into business, address his employees. When it went into employee-only areas and refused to leave when asked.

In one video, Corbore-Chipole-Mexican Grill shirt, where do you get one of those, Target? And told employees he was going to clean house before a group of men in dark shirts poured into the restaurant and ignored requests to leave. I don't even understand why they'd think this is. I guess it's kind of funny.

I just think there's better way. He's like, I don't know, clog the toilet and then come out as a manager and blame somebody that works there. See how I do that naturally? I know, here's a video of him and his team in action. Go ahead and bring in the guys. No. No, you guys need to leave. These are my workers.

I'm not. My workers. These are my workers. And so you have to let me get out of my store. Mom, I need a great job, sir. These are my workers? Why would that work?

I'd be like, what workers? You got to admit, these kids, we're at a level, well, I know when I was making prank things, it was in 1911, but, you know, remember you call up? Yeah, you get Prince Albert in a can,

that type of shit. You know, we did phone pranks. Anyways, this is fucking, that's what this is, only you could get stabbed I was hoping. Can you imagine if he did this and it was like, if you guys are familiar with Breaking Bad? Remember the fucking, was it a chicken restaurant they ran?

That was really the cartel. You never know. I should have showed the clip that we showed a year or two ago. Remember the kid in the mall kept bugging this guy? This guy was delivering food at the mall or something. He was an Uber and he just wanted to be left alone. And this kid kept fucking bugging him and actually put his hands on him. And the guy turned around shot him.

Which to me, again, it was like a money shot in a porn film. Overdue. Cobb, who was 21 when he was arrested in July of 2025, was tied to pranks at Chipotle, Pepp Boys, Highland Auto Repair, Big Brand Tire and Service, and Jiffey Loom. He's smart. He goes after the big names. And I always forget, I used to go, why do these kids do that?

And then I go, oh, yeah, duh. They want clicks. Because as you know, folks, you can make money. So many clicks get you whatever money. And, you know, it goes into these things go viral and you make a nice score. Who did I just see? What woman did I just see? It's unbelievable.

It was a young girl, not a famous one, but she's really smoking hot. She's on OnlyFans. She made $45 million last year. Can I repeat that? I don't want to hear how women are second-class citizen. Yeah, but what about the fat ones? They could do it too. Guys are so sick in this country.

He should make at least 12 men. A lot of chubby chases out there. I'm just saying. Anyways, the incident took place between March and July of last year, with Cobb acting as the leader, telling the others to begin working after they entered the businesses. Videos of the pranks were posted to Cobb's social media accounts where they drew millions of views

and potentially made large amounts of money. Isn't that the whole idea? Take it easy. Make it easy. Detectives began linking the cases after several of the pranks happened in Tempe in early July. Police eventually identified Cobb as the man behind the Heston James' social media accounts. Cobb was arrested at his home on July 23rd of last year. He was booked on one count of third-degree burglary.

two counts of criminal impersonation, five counts of disorderly conduct, and five counts of criminal trespass. He could face up the nine years, he better not. That's all I'm going to say. Well, Nick, I'm not defending one. I'm just saying,

when I see rapists and murderers literally doing four years or whatever the fuck, or pedophiles, or a child murderer, probably only going to get probation. You heard him. Thoughts that's what I said, but he combined the two.

Yeah, child murderers. Get what? Probation? Yeah, the woman, he's probably not going to get any. Oh, yeah, the woman that we brought up earlier. Like, she didn't plan that out. She waited for her husband to leave. She had the ropes already in the room. Oh, she was hearing voices just for that minute, though.

Never mention that before or after. And there's a bunch of filthy twats and pink t-shirts, hundreds of women clapping for her. So that's where you are. Hey, thank you feminism, but, and I already did this ran. I'll do it until I'm, purple in the face. Feminism is the biggest cancer. It's a bigger problem than race. I've been saying it since I was fucking 11. Anyways, 11. You didn't even know what a pussy was.

I'd be surprised. I ordered one from Romco. Pocket pussy. Remember those? Yeah. Let's move on. Cops put out an APB for PBR. Jesus, Nick. You should really be writing for the post. I knew Dallas would like that one. Half these I think I'd do for you. No one else is a truck pack with 40,000 pounds pounds. Is that how we're measuring beer now? How about gallons of... Can you convert? And my other rant.

Can we fucking either use the metric system or not? I think I'm going to write, go home. I'm doing a chapter now called What Makes Me Irrationally Angry. Let's start with that one. We only use the metric system, you know, when it's not that important, like for fucking my drugs and my antibiotics.

How many milligrams are you on last year? I don't know, fuck Stain. I was taught the fucking regular system. I don't live in the UK. You figure it out. God, it fucking, how about, you wonder why fucking poor people are fattest shit? Ever read the fucking ingredients on the back of a can

and what's in it? Sodium and all that shit? 450 milligram. Oh, I'm sure that means a lot to a black woman who graduated sixth grade with 11 kids. Good point, Nick. You goddamn right it is. A truck pack with 40,000

inches of Paps Blue Ribbon. Vaniston, California. Did you check Kamala's house? And police claim the missing hall could be part of a brazen cargo theft operation that made off with roughly 70,000 in booze in a single morning. As you know, because I'm 64,

I have stories about everything when I read something in the news that I can relate to. when I was in high school you may have heard of this fellow his name is Mark Bavarro he was a still maybe get into the still Parcells

and Belichick said he's the best the best tight end they have a coach especially blocking why anyways he was a junior my senior year we're playing with a fucking maybe a future Hall of Fame and maybe not because he blew out his knee as you but any my point being he

he and this other kid Mark Bredrope he'll call them. They busted into a train. There was a train in our town that ran through our town, you know, and it would sit on the tracks. You ever seen one of those that doesn't move for years? They busted into one. And it was loaded with Budweiser. And they stole, I don't know how many hundreds and was selling him, which I think that's a business move. Long story short, we had to do he had they get busted he got in a lot of trouble

cops are involved and everything and we had to do extra gassers on the first day of practice the following year during double sessions you know it's 110 degrees we had to do like two extra gassers that's across the feeling back that's one we had to do two

extra after we already ran four after a two and a half hour practice who's going to give Bavar's shit we're like no no problem we'll bang it out By the way, he was the nicest guy of me. Not long after that, he got really just went to Notre Dame and wrote a book. He's a hero of mine. That's all I'm going to say.

I get a video here. Go ahead. Oh, this is him stealing the truck. Oh, the guy that did that, you guys have seen that in Goodfellas a million times. That guy is a comedian named Bob Gallup. He did a little bit of time in jail, too, by the way. And the story is when he went to read for Scorsese, the first meeting he had,

he opens his thing and takes out a gun to show he's the real thing. That was the story. Everybody didn't know in New York. And he was crazy enough to do that. He was fucking funny, too, at points. The company put the thief on the clock offering exactly 18 days and 44 minutes to return the truck with no questions asked. Papps also said it would offer a reward to anyone who helps crack the case.

though it did not disclose how much it would pay. They didn't even do that for fucking Limburg, baby, did they? The company did not explain the unusual countdown, though 18-day, 44-minute window may be a nod to 1844, the year Pabst was founded. The brand later issued a second post to squash doubts that the bizarre disappearance was a marketing stunt, which you have to do with all these pranksters out there.

They put out a statement, to clear up the confusion, this story is real, Papps wrote, urging anyone with information that could help solve the case to send a direct message. Montclair police are investigating two cargo thefts reported on August 17th at an Anheuser-Busch distribution center

that investigators believed could be linked. And the first incident at shipment worth about 45 grand and bound for Tucson, Arizona, was picked up for delivery around 10 a.m., Local time, but never arrived. You've got to pull for the bad guys once in a while. Long as it's not a murder or a fucking...

People just like beer. And they can make a lot of money. Nice. Nick, are you saying, well, I do have a little grease ball on me. Yes. I still say this... What's that? And Irish.

Oh, my God. Don't write that down. I like that. Dallas writes down the ones when he's in it, and he gets fucking killer laughs. That's a great point. Irish. I'm actually 1% more Irish. I don't believe that. You can stick 23 of me. Come, look at me. Look at this. Look like a piece of carbonara. What? I don't know what that meant.

About an hour later, police set a company claiming to be a subcontract, use fraudulent paperwork to arrange the pickup of roughly $25,000 in Ann Housa Bush and Paps Blue Living products. I told Dallas, the Paps Blue Ribbon symbol, logo, makes me want to be here. just like when I see McDonald's, it's amazing that marketing that goes into that. Let me tell you something about McDonald's signed, by the way, too, which I'm sure I've mentioned on the show because I watched the documentary about McDonald's

and Ray Crock and do you know the M? They made that to resemble tits because sexual, you know, marketing, and this has been known for a long time, sexual, whatever. So it's shaking. like a woman's bust, they said. I'm sorry, I don't see tits. I just see a fucking quarter pound of a cheese,

which looks like friggin... God, I was trying to think of a hot girl. I almost said Rachel Ray's pussy. Oh, I'm going to Burger King. Dallas goes pretty beat up. You're right. There's a lot of other chefs used her pussy for a speedbag.

Why did I say speedbag? Well, I'm going to give a credit where it's due. Kenny Rogerson, one of the funniest comedians I have ever been around. originally a Chicago guy, I want to say, but still lives in Boston, was there when I started. I mean, brilliant.

He did let him in a long, long time ago. In one of his jokes, he referred to a woman's pussy as a velvita dripping speedbag. And that's why comedians don't laugh at shit that most people find funny. If you're around shit like that, for year after year,

night after night, the Dave Attells of the Louis C.Ks are Colin, or... It's... And it's why I became a carman. It's poetry. It's fucking velvita dripping Spiebha.

And then I'm walking down the sidewalk one night. I had never met his wife. He's coming the other way. He's going to Nick's. I'm going to the club up the street. He stops. He goes, Nick. He goes, what did he refer to his wife? Oh, he goes, you know my cunt, Claudia? Even for me as a comedian, I was like, I got a little flush.

You know my cunt, Claudia? And she She laughs. She's English. Even if she wasn't English, I'm sure she would have to laugh, but I mean nothing to an English woman. Anyways, investigators said the trucking company information, driver and vehicles connected the pickups, contained discrepancies. And that's how they found out what was going on up there. Here's me. But good luck to you guys with all that PBR, you know? I'm drunk and stupid.

There's no way to go through life. Bullshit. Bullshit, I say. Let's move on to our No, no, no! Oh, in our FLA segment tonight. Florida never disappoints. Here's a weird one for you.

This is very Florida, but it didn't just happen in Florida. They did shit all over the country. Three alleged tomb raiders from Indiana have been arrested. Wait a minute. I never saw Indiana Jones. Didn't that have something to do with tomb raider? Isn't that fucking odd, India? I have been arrested for disturbing thefts from San Diego.

Cemetery. No, I'm not going to see the movie. It sounds horrible. Cemetery niches are containing cremated remains. Did you hear what I just said? Across the eastern half of the United States. 20 cases have been identified in Florida alone. But detectives believe there could be many more who just don't realize, excuse me, who just don't realize they've been victimized yet. These three people are going to cemeteries, breaking into deceased people's niches, also known as mausoleums, by the way, and stealing their family heirlooms. Or as I like to say, hairlones.

Do you understand, folks? Do you understand they're stealing from dead people? They go into a, well, here, here's a little clip of what it looks like. This lady brought her little daughter. Is that not white trash to the 15th power? Black people, you can make fun of all that shit all you want. I don't blame you.

Look at this fucking stupid bitch. You could do the same thing at a goddamn souvenir shop. Let's bring little cutie Diane into rob dead people. Can you imagine the future she's got? You fat fucking whore. Why am I saying that? I could have just done this. You fucking whore.

Yeah, that's it. Go home. Get my dinner ready. I already ate it. I'm fat. Within days, Drake Lee Millam, 33 years old, on the left. Angela Garrett on the far right, 52, were arrested in Indiana court. The girl in the middle probably is the little girl that grew up, no.

Record show. And Portia Bankroft. Oh, that's her in the middle. Turned herself in at Florida Seminole County, Joe. Guys, isn't there an easy way if you want to be a criminal to make money and not work for a living? You got to rob. Do you see what I'm saying? Yep.

Yeah, just pick up a politician. There you go. That, pick up a politician or a couple cases of PBR out of a store in the back room. All three faces, all three face a variety of charges including injuring or removing a tomb or monument. How do you fucking injure a tomb or a monument? Oh, my shins! What? Disturbing the contents of a grave or tomb.

And grand theft of over 20 grand. that is the lowest of the lowest from cremated people a slew of mausoleum surveillance videos appear to show the trio breaking into glass front niches where urns of cremated remains and mementos are displayed then removing the items they've been everywhere from Oklahoma City to Minnesota

to Texas and here in Florida a husband reported his late wife's niche as missing their his and hers gold wedding rings and her class of 1992 ring I mean what's that going to bring you six bucks who the fuck Miami Southbridge Senior High School

it was silver with a blue stone all keep an eye out for it a wife reported as missing a ring given to her late husband for his 25th anniversary working for the Disney company it had a it was a garnet with a diamond-encrusted, you know what, swasticker.

Keep an eye up for that. Come on. Walt didn't like the juice. Boy, would he be turning over now, huh? Aye, aye, aye, aye. Hey, that's it for today, folks. Boys and a girl, sir. Thank you so much.

Don't forget Cameo.com. If you want me to roast a friend or a relative, go to Cameo.com. You click on the profile. It'll tell you what to do. For small fee, we can bust balls of whoever you want their balls busted. That's it. You guys think that I'll say it. You are very welcome. We'll see you back here tomorrow at the same time. We appreciate you tuning in. Take care.

Hi. Good night, everybody.