The Nick DiPaolo Show - Trump: "You're Fired. You're Fired Too!" #149

Episode Date: April 8, 2019

Trump Fires Staffers and Fires Up Border Talk. Roger Stone Bashes Barbra Bush.

🎵 Yeah, how are you folks? Monday, welcome to the show. What is going on? I'll tell you what's going on, goddammit, right now. Breaking news. Chinese. Cindy Yang. All right, Cindy, take it easy.

Miami Herald is investigating how U.S. President Trump has become a favorite target of little-known Chinese industry, peddling access to the rich and powerful. At the center of this Trump tourism is Cindy Yang, former Asian day spa, maybe or maybe not, blue rabbit crap. No, just kidding, folks. I throw that in. Who sold access to Mar-a-Lago and the White House, raising concerns about national security. The bitch is in deep. Those Chinese, I'll tell you, you know, you don't believe in stereotypes, but they are slippery motherfuckers. Are they not? Yes. That's their reputation. You can't trust them. I find that racist, but I actually find it true, too. So

there's a little bit of truth in racism. It all starts with a kernel of truth. Does it not? A federal prosecutor argued in court Monday that Yun Jing Yang, Yang. The chinese woman arrested trying to enter trump's private mar-a-lago club in palm beach lesbos lies to everyone she encounters and set a search of her hotel room uncovered more than eight grand in cash that's a lot of hand jobs as well uh as a signal detector device used to reveal hidden cameras also uncovered that yeah that's not too slippery is that her you slippery motherfucker let me tell you my collars are way too starched oh that's racist also uncovered in the search seventy five hundred dollars in u.s

hundred dollar bills and 6300 no 663 dollars in currency. That's not too fucking suspicious. In addition to nine USB drives, five SIM cards, and other electronics, according to federal prosecutor Rolando Garcia, signal detectors are portable devices that can detect radio waves, magnetic fields, and hidden camera equipment. I use those when I, you know, when Comedy Central asks me to come on a liberal show, I have those in my pocket. Prosecutors are treating the case like malaria as a national security matter, and FBI counterintelligence squad is investigating,

so this is familiar with the inquiry. Zhang gave conflicting accounts of why she came to Mar-a-Lago on March 30th, at one point saying she had been invited to attend a social event, according to an affidavit filed by a U.S. security agent. But she was found to be carrying several electronic devices, which a lot of Chinese stores do, let's be honest, including a thumb drive containing malicious malware. Excuse me, bitch. Malicious malware.

How racist is that? That is so racist, Nick. You should be on the Fox News Network. Shut it. Shut it. Malware. She's carrying malware. You know who said that? The Secret Service. That raised suspicions among federal investigators

already probing possible Chinese intelligence operations in South Florida that she could be engaged in espionage. The preliminary analysis of her phones found some duck sauce on it and a piece of boneless spare rib, is it? The preliminary analysis of her phone shows she was not there for an event at Mar-a-Lago. Garcia said that, the federal prosecutor. He wouldn't lie, his name's Garcia. But Zhang, or you want to call her Cindy Yang's public defender, Robert Adler, presented evidence that Zhang had in fact paid for travel package that would include a visit to Mar-a-Lago,

a fact that could weaken the government's allegations. That's bullshit. That's going to overpower the fucking malware and all the other shit? Come on. She lied to the Secret Service about the event in order to gain access to the president's club. The party Zhang said she planned to attend had been promoted online by,

oh, I'm sorry, Cindy Yang, a South Florida massage parlor owner who ran a business that promised Chinese clients photos and meetings with Trump. But the Safari Night, Safari Night charity gala had been canceled after the Herald first reported on Yang's access-selling business last month. So you got a Zhang and a Yang. Zhang faces charges of lying to federal officers, entering restricted property. She's carrying four cell phones,

which seems a little excessive. I'd say, well, because she had a lot of kids, but she's Chinese. They killed all the female ones. A laptop computer, an external hard drive, and a thumb drive. A thumb drive when she was arrested at Mar-a-Lago. Lock this bitch up. Forget about Hillary. Lock her up with Hillary. On Monday, CNN reported that Trump was removing the head of the Secret Service, Randolph Tex-Ells. Although a source told the news channel that Ells was not related to the Mar-a-Lago bullshit, the Secret Service, which seldom comments on security matters, had issued a statement last week that seemed to lay blame for Zhang's entry

on the staff of the president's club. Investigators are still trying to determine the nature of the malware Zhang allegedly brought into the club. Sources told the Herald, it is not clear how much of a threat the malware... It doesn brought into the club sources told the herald it is not clear how much of a threat the malware it doesn't she had malware on her god damn it ryan ryan's on the computer all the time trying to meet kids he didn't he doesn't even use malware never needed it never needed it just puts up a picture of him his facebook profile he's in a

hot tub by himself with a couple of candles and he's holding a cantaloupe in one hand and a melon ball scooper in the other and he's got a heart on. I don't know if that's... Anyways, blah, blah, blah. I say lock her up. She's as fishy as a

fucking three-day-old chinchou soup. I don't know what the fuck that is yeah so Mr. Alls or Alls, however you say his name, he's out Trump had the axe out Trump had the fucking axe out today

all weekend you mentioned we're going live? Yes, we did. I never remembered. We'll do it live! Do it live! I'll write it and we'll do it live! Fucking thing sucks!

You'll write it. Like you write your books. He's got a ghostwriter sitting next to him. Bill's in his underwear, scratching his nuts, yelling at his writing partner, Martin. President Trump announced Sunday Homeland Security Secretary little hottie

Kirstjen Nielsen will leave her post. Bye-bye. He wants to go in a tougher direction. By that, he means putting a man in charge who really doesn't like brown people. The move signals that Trump is seeking to shake up. I think he just wanted to bang this broad. She's all right, right, Jason? Not bad, right?

I'd say so. I'm asking the straight guy. Got a good rack on her. Pence is like, I will not be alone in a room with this woman. I don't want to get in trouble. The move signals Trump is seeking to shake up his team amid frustration over the 60,000 brown people climbing over the fence every three minutes, Nick added. I want you guys to pull up a picture of a bridge. El Paso.

You got it? El Paso. Just put El Paso Bridge, illegal immigrants fence. Congratulations to the left. You finally turned this country into the third world shithole you were hoping to. It looks like every country that these people were sneaking in came from. Congratulations. You've been doing it since I was in high school, and I think your plan has come to fruition. Yeah, so anyways, he's upset about the border situation. Trump tweeted that Kevin McAleenan, the Commissioner of Customs and Border Protection, will lead the Department

of Homeland on an acting basis until a permanent replacement for Nielsen is chosen. In her resignation letter, Nielsen wrote, That fucking orange motherless fuck. I'll kick him in his clat. Nielsen wrote that she determined that it is the right time for her to step aside. Don't act like it was your choice, bitch. You're fired. Bye-bye. All right, get up!

Yeah! She says, I hope the next secretary will have the support of Congress and the courts in fixing the laws, which she's thrown a little dig at the Dems right there, because they control the House, and a lot of shit couldn't get passed because of those American hating pieces of ass.

Congress and the courts in fixing the laws which have impeded our ability to fully secure America's borders and which have contributed to discord in our nation's discourse. I saw her being interviewed. She kept using this phrase. They kept going, well, about the, they kept bringing up things and ways to start. And she goes, well, that's on the table. Well, that's on the table. They show like clips of her for the last month going, well, that's on the table. Get it off the fucking table and put the plan in action. You don't have shit on Trump's table. He hates

that. He's the CEO. He delegates. He wants results. He gave you a chance. It's on the table. Yeah, so is your head with a nice sharp axe coming down. Anything, guys? I've seen the picture 115 times this week. Should be the first thing. There you go. They are under a bridge in El Paso. That's America. Just to remind you, El Paso, that is Texas. There you go. But, you know, it's a manufactured crisis. Look at the two pigeons to the right going, who the fuck are these people? I used to get bread and corn thrown at me. Now it's tortilla shells. What in buck? uh anyways she she took over in what december 2017 she replaced john kelly which was a mistake he was a hardcore fucking military guy trump last november was set to fire nielsen who had privately expressed frustration about dealing with the president's anger over the situation

at the border nielsen's departure came after she met with Trump on Sunday and he said, listen, you fucking idiot. I gave you a chance. I gave you a chance. You're one of the few broads I gave a chance to. And I got no results. Hit the street, sister. Nielsen also came under fire from Democrats for her role in defending the administration's immigration agenda, which they have criticized as cruel to migrant families. Oh, yes. The old, oh, they're separating families. Meanwhile, let's kill a fetus after it's born. Fuck it. That's separating a family. We don't care about that. That's actually a good point that has to go into my act sometime in front of a crowd who has a fucking higher than an eighth grade reading level. Anyways, earlier this year, Nielsen became the public face of the administration's

controversial zero-tons policy. And she's the face of it, huh? She also was the vocal defender of Trump's controversial decision to declare a national emergency to circumvent Congress and obtain funding for a border wall. She also reportedly considered resigning in May after Trump lashed out at her in a lengthy tirade during a cabinet meeting. That's the footage I want to see, goddammit. That's the footage I want to see. Get that Chinese

broad in there with all the hidden malware. He lashed out at her and said, for Christ's sakes. He said, I went down to the border. I saw 41 Mexicans cutting a guy's lawn and it was only fucking three by eight feet. There must be a problem.

Hit the bricks, sister. So she be out. And yeah, I saw that interview and it was bugging me. She was so passive. Well, that's on the table too. That's something we'll hope to accomplish. That's it.

Yeah. All the pictures, folks. I don't care what MSNBC and all the other douchebag mainstream media saying. Manufacture crisis. Trump, if Trump doesn't win the second election, I swear, if the first couple months of these idiots announcing they're, you know, throwing their sombreros in the ring, fucking Beto O'Rourke, if I see that skateboard-riding dick one more time, he is so over the top with his hand gestures. He's like a hack comedian just jumping around. Ugh.

Kamala Harris, just American hate and garbage Trump should right now if they had it tomorrow he'd win by a fucking landslide that's just my dirty opinion and the other story was at least from the Washington Post that Nielsen was forced out definitely forced out that's something that told the Washington Post and he let her have it he already indicated Trump he was looking for a tougher that's somebody that told the Washington Post and he let her have it.

He already indicated Trump. He was looking for a tougher individual to handle immigration. He should have got Giuliani. That motherfucker will show you how to deal with people. The president abruptly yanked the nomination of Ronald Vitiello, who was to lead immigration ice. But he said, we want to go in a tougher direction.

And that's pretty tough. That guy had a criminal record. No, he didn't. Nelson hadn't been told of the president's decision, nor did she agree with Trump's decision. Quiet. Quiet like a bitch. On Sunday night,

after tweeting that Nelson will be leaving her position, Trump again went on Twitter, rant over the migrant flows. Mexico, he said, must apprehend all illegals and not let them make the long march up to the United States, or we will have no other choice than to close the border and or institute tariffs. Our country is full, like my belly, after I leave a drive-thru at midnight. Good for you, Trumpy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. What a... He's got Chinese fraud down there with malware at Mar-a-Lago. He's got half a South American trying to get in.

You know, you hadn't heard from them, though. ISIS, huh? Notice that? And by the way, the economy is strong. So you keep pointing Democrats to Trump and Adam Schiff still out there peddling collusion. What a dildo. What a pencil neck goo gobbler.

Have you had the goo gobbler? At the... At the... the goo gobbler? Anyways, Cameo. Cameo.com, folks. Have you tried it? Do you want to get a personal video message from me or send one to a liberal that you want to set straight? It doesn't have to be liberal. It can be somebody you hate, an ex-girlfriend, ex-boyfriend, or it can be somebody you like. I'll say happy birthday to your sister or your mother or congratulations on the circumcision of your buddy Saul. All that shit. I'll tell you next door neighbor to kiss your taint. All that stuff. Go to cameo.com. Fill out the information. Write the message you want me to deliver and within 48 hours it'll be delivered

to whomever you want for a measly 90 bucks bucks i can either make or ruin somebody's day for you i did over the weekend i must have done six of them every time i woke up there were a couple waiting for me and i fucking absolutely love doing it because you know being funny and mean is uh in any comics dna in my opinion Trump visits the border and warns, our country is full, turn around. And of course, he didn't have a translator, so they kept coming. Let's show the video of Trump telling these people

to get the hell out. The system is full. Can't take you anymore. Sounds like an old girlfriend of mine. It's anything you want. It's illegal immigration. Can't take you anymore. Sounds like an old girlfriend of mine. Alright, Trumpy. He added, when it's full, there's nothing you can do.

You have to say, I'm sorry. We can't take you. Then he said, what is sorry in spanish i had no company they're apprehending people now by the thousands and bringing them back to the county he's talking about mexico he you know he's back and forth with mexico first one week he's saying they're not doing the job and then now he's fucking now he's blowing them make up your mind obviously they're not doing their job. We get people standing under bridges in El Paso, Texas, okay? So look at that.

No, that's not a Cubs game. That's not the bleachers. How about my Red Sox taking a big shitty dump on the West Coast? They haven't been, do you understand they broke camp over a month? They haven't been in Boston in two months. Why do you get punished for being the world champions i digress i was going to try to work uh anyways uh dj jd martinez i can't keep him straight trump also said he plans to make significant progress on the border uh wall construction in the next two years. We expect to have close to 400 miles done within about

two years from... 400 miles? Two years from now? There'll be another 6 million already sneaking in? Get out the goddamn guns and the fucking tanks. You put a trillion dollars into the military, use it! For the love...

I'm not saying kill anybody, but stick guns in their faces. That's all. Fuck the war. We have enough military to line up to 2,000 miles. And if you don't, go down to Alabama. There's about 40 militias that'll be glad to do it. Sarah, do you believe we have a discussion

about securing our country and the term lethal, the word lethal, is never used? I mean, what? What the fuck is going on? Get out the big guns, park the tanks. What are you doing, putting up traffic cones and fucking yellow ribbons like you're doing a grand opening at Burger King? For Christ's sake. Rubber bullets. I keep telling you, rubber bullets or tiny, tiny

landmines. 400 miles in two years. He says that's a lot. No, you're not. You're a bullshitter. He said at the round table meeting promising that a barrier along the border would deliver results border patrol agents presented trump with a plaque mounted on a portion of the border wall probably a portion that was broken through by a family from guatemala uh proudly defending the american border and for his

unwavering support for the men and women on the front line, which you can't argue with that, that he has done. But it's full. The country's full. We've had enough. Let's change it up, huh, folks? It was a big weekend. He was wailing that fucking axe. it up, huh, folks? It was a big weekend. He was wheeling that fucking axe. You know, NASA,

NASA is always accused of being not diverse enough. They made a movie a couple years ago about the one black lady that worked at NASA who apparently, we would have never landed on the moon if this bitch didn't show up. NASA is becoming more diverse. they started a program for young black people who want to be astronauts I think we have footage of the program do we not? T-minus 5, 4, 3, 2 and we have liftoff how about that

tough little son of a gun landing on his belly from 30 feet and getting up? Huh? Can we see that again, please? Jesus Christ, did that make me laugh. This is actually... One giant step for Tyrone. Too broke and famous.

This is ground control to Uncle Tom. You're stepping through the door. And you're wearing the most peculiar... Show it again, please. Give me back my scotch! Give me back my scotch! My scotch! Give me back my scotch!

Do it again. Give me back my scotch! Give me back my scotch! Do it again. All right, get out! Ow. He didn't even get the wind knocked out of him. They're the toughest people on the planet.

What do you mean they? Those young kids over there. Oh my God. That was tremendous. Did that not look like fun? When you're that little and you're that high, it seems like you're on the goddamn moon. Ryan, am I right? You smoked a few bags in your day.

I've definitely jumped from high places and fallen. Me too. Nothing funny. I was standing in the woods with a buddy of mine. I'm in third grade. His name is Kenny Consoli. No, Jeff Sear. I'm sorry. Kenny was standing name is Kenny Consoli. No, Jeff Sierra. I'm sorry. Kenny was standing next to me. Jeff Sierra is standing as high as that was. He was standing and the branch just snapped and he fell like a fucking anvil. I have never laughed. I didn't

know if he was dead or alive. And then another friend of mine, John Hyland, same thing, fell out of a tree only not so funny. In a coma for like four days. And then he had swelling on the brain. What did we do to greet him when he came back? This was in sixth grade. Naturally, we fucking tackled him and started pounding his head. John Hyland.

I did a backflip off of a school, a middle school, onto a shed. A middle school? That's surprising. Right through the ceiling, the roof. What were you doing on the roof of middle school? Trying to meet a kid named Timmy with a fucking Tarzan lunchbox? I was trying to meet a bird.

Trying to meet a bird? That's English for broad. Is that what you meant? Yeah. All right. Why would you go with bird? Where were you? Manchester?

When you fucking? By the sea. Manchester by the sea. That's where I used to hang out in high school. Singing Beach. Google it. Anyways, I hope that black kid's all right. Mother of God, did he take a shot to the belly.

Gets right up and just sprints away. I'm telling you. Oh, hold on. I'm not done. Donald Trump removing secrets. This was related. I had to throw that in to lighten up the mood of Tyrone heading to Mercury. Donald Trump removing secret service director Randolph.

Put a picture up of Mr. Alls, Alls, however you say his name. Look at that. You wonder why he was in the Secret Service? He didn't need to tap phones. He did not need tap... He didn't have to wire anything. He didn't have to put sound devices down. This, if a fucking caterpillar farted in Germany,

this guy knew about it. Look at the fucking... He's like a Boeing 747. Look at the cups on this guy. Nice Gus DeWin, and he's higher than that little black. Look at those hairs. Mother of God. And he's furious.

You cannot whisper around that guy. We'll be like trying to snort coke with Cicely Tyson. Google her. You pull her up oh come on this show is fucking kicking ass today who's with me anybody the decision to force owls out came days after the woman we just talked about arrested at mar-a-lago with uh three pounds of chicken and broccoli on her and a computer and cell phone malware after she passed a checkpoint. And that's how it works. Can I just explain to you what's going on? Trump was a CEO in the business world. See, in government, you can fuck up and fail and they won't fire you. In the

private sector, this is government. I'm just saying Trump is used to running things like he did in the private sector. And if you fuck up, you are gone. So that guy's gone, but he already got a new job. He's a Chinese kite. You're fired. You're fired. You're fired. You're fired. You're fired. Do you still want a picture of Cicely Tyson? Don't talk over this song. You're fired. You're fired. You're fired. You're fired. You're fired.

Do you still want a picture of Cicely Tyson? Don't talk over the song. You're fired. You've been here for six, nine months. You still haven't picked up on that. Yeah, put up, I said, didn't I? Throw the fucker. Holy shit.

Cicely. I'm sure that's her real hair color. Holy Christ What the fuck Wasn't she a bass player Nah Where have I seen that hair before I can't think

Actually Chinese restaurants Every waitress that ever sat me In New York City I like Cicely Tyson She had some good hits back in the day I can't name them Because I have no memory left. Hey, our buddy Roger Stone, who we fucking love.

Roger Stone likes us. We like him. You know, he's the one that the FBI showed up at dawn with guns in his face down in his Florida home. I think he's still in jail right now, isn't he? He's got no money. No, he probably bonded up, but he's got no money. He's literally borrowing. And we put up the GoFundMe pay.

He's borrowing money for groceries and shit, but this is why I love him. I read stuff like this, and I'm confident that he's confident he's going to get pardoned. Longtime Trump associate Roger Stone defended the president's recent attack on the late former First Lady Barbara Bush. Stone sent out a vile Instagram post on Friday. Do we have the post? Go ahead, put that back right. That's not the post. That's her, though.

Is that her or is that Dick Butkus? That's the post. It's not the post. It's a paragraph. Nobody can read that. Here's what it said. This is what his Instagram post said. It said, well, she's dead and he's president who won

that one do you understand how much that sounds like something i'd say oh god bless him she's dead and he's the president who won that that one? Somebody argue with that logic. I wasn't a big Barbara Bush fan. I heard, I know she was the rock of the family and George was a Bob. Bob is a, she's my rock. That was a horrible Bush. That was a combination of Bush

and young girl having an orgasm. The longtime GOP strategist also called the ex-flotus who died at age 92 a year ago. She's been dead a year. She's been dead a year. That means I'll be dead in three minutes. She's already been dead a year. She's dead in that picture and she's sitting up. I always found her to be uh she's from connecticut

originally they think this shit doesn't stink and i got that vibe from her i like the way she protected her kids you know papa bear mama bear none of the bush boys could have done it without her and i sort of i agree with some of that but she always it was kind of, she spoke her mind, and I can hear feminists going, that makes her a bitch? Yeah. But Stone said she was nasty, rude, vindictive, entitled, and self-important. Well, I don't want to break up the meeting or nothing,

but she's something of a cunt, ain't she, Doc? Take it easy, Roger. Take it easy. Take it easy. Take it easy! She was known for her pearls. She used to wear pearls around her neck, you know. And

later they pulled those pearls out of Barney Frank's ass, apparently. That's a true story no it's not barney's a good guy oh please a woman named susan page wrote a uh wrote in her book the matriarch barbara bush in the making of an american dynasty yeah okay it wouldn't have happened without it well i guess she had to have the kids she didn't have george senior her husband once again it's a woman marrying a guy who was pretty fucking successful. Nick, don't be sexist.

Ah, kiss my left nipple and then bite on it for 10 minutes, all right? Anyways, Barbara Bush blamed Donald Trump for her hospitalization. Now, I'm cutting her some slack. She's in her late thousands when she fucking said that. hospitalization. Now I'm cutting her some slack. She's in her late thousands when she fucking said that. She also reportedly had a clock that counted down the time until the conclusion of Trump's presidency in her bedroom. I won't hold that against her either. I had three of those when Obama was in office, one in the kitchen, one in my bedroom, and one up my ass. Trump fired back in an interview. This is why I love Trump.

Guys, you might. And this is the reason people hate him. And it's the reason you hate me. I'm the same fucking way. I don't care if you're dead, if you're alive, if you're a 14-year-old girl fucking staring at me in the food court. I'm going to say, what the fuck are you looking at? It's how I live my life. It's called the teachable moment. I think that was Obama's expression for it.

I believe when I'm an asshole and somebody calls me on it, it's good. I'm like, I won't be an asshole in that situation again. That's how I live. That's how Trump, sure, this broad is a dress full of maggots and just an empty skull by now, but he is not going to let this shit fly. is a dress full of maggots and just an empty skull by now, but he is not going to let this shit fly. Gotta love Bob. He said, Trump fired back in an interview published in the Washington Times, he said Bush should be, meaning Barbara, nasty to him,

because look what I did to her sons. Sounds like a pedophile talking about fifth graders. In reference to him beating Jeb Bush in the GOP presidential nomination in 2016. Stone also attacked Bush in the immediate aftermath of her death, calling her a vindictive drunk. He was subsequently disinvited from speaking at a Florida GOP event following his comment. Well, that's why I love Roger Stone.

That's why I love Stoney. Crazy as a shithouse rat, but the truth hurts sometimes. Yeah, they sure do. Okay, we got some changes coming up. i'm not supposed to mention anything yet that you just you guys let's put it this way the rest of these shows on the internet will be chasing me in a year i can promise you that that's all i'm saying by the way uh nickdip.com tour dates please. Please come out and see me. Friday, April 26th, Steel Stacks, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Friday and Saturday, May 3rd and 4th, Sidesplitters in Tampa, Florida.

Friday and Saturday, May 10th and 11th, one of my favorites, Governors in Levittown, Long Island. Friday, May 31st, Jonathan's in Agunquit, Maine. Saturday, June 1st, Whites of Westport, Westport, Mass. Saturday, August 10th, Newtown Theater,quit, Maine. Saturday, June 1, Whites of Westport, Westport, Mass. Saturday, August 10, Newtown Theater, Newtown, Pennsylvania. Friday and Saturday, August 16 and 17,

Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia. Friday, October 18, the Ridgefield Playhouse, Ridgefield, Connecticut. Friday, November 15, the Cortland Repertory Theater, Cortland, New York.

New Year's Eve, back at the Tarrytown Music Hall in Tarrytown, New York. Go to nickadip.com for your ticket information. Working on new stuff, which is fun if you see me doing new stuff because when you do new stuff,

some of it doesn't work. And it's, you know who enjoys it? Other comics, watching their fellow comics doing new shit and bombing. Nobody laughs harder. That's when it's fun.

And when you've been doing it as long as I do, it doesn't matter. You could get dead silence and you look at the audience and go, I don't give a fuck. Three of my friends

laughed in the car on the way down here. And they go, you still taking a car to your gigs with friends? What are you, 11? You know who's back in the news? They found some old footage.

I enjoyed this. I enjoyed this the news they found some old footage i enjoyed this uh i enjoyed this tremendously they found some uh old footage uh apparently his family took a video of a young kim jong-un and apparently what an appetite on this kid Oh, God. He was eating chihuahua. Now he's having some seaweed soup. Look at the forearms. If this kid's not a dictator in the next 10 years... I agree, man.

Those are noodles. Suck them in! Yo, fat fuck, look at you. Kim Jong-un, look at you. Kim Jong-un. Look at that. You know he finished everything there. What's that on the left? Carrots and pickles? I know he's eating a bowl of donkey shit there.

Then you got something that almost looks Italian on the right. Oh, my God. I love this. We have to follow. He's the only kid he's uh how old do you think he's eight six six let's say six his blood pressure is 771 over 597 that's what i look like after i eat chinese food and drink a couple beers the next day yeah you got msg blows me up like a fucking parade float.

But he's got the fucking John Lennon glasses on and too cool. He's got forearms like fucking Mark McGuire at age six. If this guy in 20 years isn't lining up some of his family and shooting them with mortar rounds because he thinks they're spies. I will blow everybody in my audience tonight. Focus, Ryan. Focus. Go ahead. You got anything? I think he might be younger. He has a Monsters, Inc. Mike Wazowski spoon. Seriously?

That's a cartoon. Yeah, it's a movie. So do you have one, too, and you're 41, right? Yeah. Is that what he has? Boy, I see the resemblance. That kid terrifies me. I don't even know if he's, I'm going Chinese. I don't mean to be racist, but that's Chinese food.

That wasn't, he's already got the dictator glasses. He's got the Kim Jong-un starter kit. Oh, I love this pudding. Is that what that is? That spoon he's holding? It's the one-eyed green monster from Monsters, Inc., Mike Wazowski. How the fuck would you know that? And why does it end up for a Polish guy, this one?

It's one of my favorite movies growing up. They made a sequel for college students. What was it called again? Monsters, Inc. Oh, yeah. I remember hearing about it. It was the first time a guy couldn't get into a movie because he was too old. They said, what are you, 50? Listen.

He was yelling at the chef saying, this fucking, this carcass spaniel is not medium rare. I will fucking have somebody's head on a plate. Oh, God, I love that kid. Remember the Indian kid that smoked? I don't know, this might even do it. I like the Indian kid was about the same size, smoking cigarettes, but smoking them, them not just smoking like a kid like somebody in the back room of a fucking illegal gambling oh my god get his name because he's going to be in the news soon

anyways hey here's a new democrat that I he's the new hot face Beto O'Rourke's been put on the back burner. And this guy, I want to respect him because he I guess he actually, you know, was in the military. He did some time in Afghanistan and stuff. He's a gay fella. I mean, he seems like you check all the boxes, but then he opens his mouth and he's his dumb and his liberal. Then he opens his mouth and he's as dumb and as liberal and just self-hating white. Pete Buttigieg, that's how you say it. I nailed it. You know what his big headline is?

He regrets saying all lives matter. That's what we need, huh? Democrats, that's what we need to run the country. Another spineless white guy who's ashamed of the characteristics he was born with. Self-hating white fellow. That's why he's rising to the top. And he has a husband, so that doesn't hurt either. fucking, what's his name? Sharpton has an action network thing where all the Democrats show up and lick his racist, black baiting ass. He's literally, Sharpton is literally the definition of a racist. That's how he's made his living, stirring up racial hatred for years. I know because I lived in New York City. I witnessed it all. That's why Giuliani became a hero of mine. Didn't talk to Al Sharpton for eight years. This motherfucker was behind Sharpton, behind Tawana Brawley, that thing that ruined people's lives. That was a hoax.

You remember the little black girl said cops, you know, fucking wrapped her up and put feces on her and wrote racist shit on her. Remember that whole thing? Turned out to be a big fucking hoax. Now she's like a Waffle House waitress. And then there was, he actually said this in the 90s. He said, referring to a Jewish guy, is a white interloper

who ran a store up in Harlem. And it caused all kinds of, eight days later after he said that, that store was firebombed and eight people shopped and was behind that too. Yet he still has a TV show he did on MSNBC for a while. And people still line up in the Democratic Party to suck his

racist black ass. Please explain to me, any one of you, including Pete fucking Buttigieg, how you have, how the fuck do you sleep at night is beyond me. Here's video of him apologizing because he once said all lives matter. I was talking about a lot of issues around racial reconciliation in our community. What I did not understand at that time was that that phrase just early into mid, especially 2015, was coming to be viewed as a sort of counter slogan to black lives. Pause. Pause pause that's right it wasn't a slogan it was an answer to something as stupid as black lives matter of course black

lives matter because all lives matter now he's saying but they were saying it as you know in a slogan form yes yes just like black lives matter was a slogan and is racist to say all lives matter. You are fucking shameless. You don't understand. They don't get it still. Do you understand? This is how Trump got elected. I have more respect for Adam Schiff than this piece of shit. I want to apologize for saying all lives fucking matter. Think about that. Let that sink into your brain where we are in 2019 in the United States of America. Saying all lives matter is somehow tainted with racism.

I want you to think about that, you one Democrat that are watching. Just think about that for a second. All lives matter. Yeah, but they use that as a counter slogan. You're goddamn right they did. It's not even a slogan. It's a fact. Oh my God, it's fucking embarrassing. They were all there sucking Sharpton's ass. It was so embarrassing. God, go ahead. This statement that seems very anodyne and something that nobody could be against

actually wound up being used to devalue what the Black Lives Matter movement was telling us, which is what we needed to hear. You smug cocksucker. Fuck you. Really? It's what we needed to hear that all the Black Lives Matter. Yeah, we haven't heard that for the last 50 years in some form or another.

You have to be fucking dog style. I mean, Pete, Mayor Pete. Oh, my God. Trump has to be laughing his ass off. Meanwhile, record low unemployment in the history of the country as far as African Americans go

under Trump. But you keep saying shit like, let me tell you something about black people. They, you know who they appreciate? White people who don't say shit like that. That's who they appreciate they like trump for being brash keep this shit up they they all they were all there all of them

kirsten gillibrand and just all of them oh damn it i forgot footage of friggin' AOC. She was there too. It's a black audience, obviously. She put on a y'all fuckin' eight. She was laying her street cred down. That's all right. You know what? Save it for tomorrow, fellas. Because I have a clip

that I like to follow with it that you're gonna laugh your balls off. But she's like, you know, eight and y'all and just blacking it up. Just like Hillary put on her fuckin' accent. Remember Hillary trieding it up. Just like Hillary put on her fucking accent. Remember Hillary tried to moonwalk with those Clydesdale ankles?

And fucking hot sauce in her pocket. And she did everything but roll herself in the Colonel Secret recipe. Before she got up there. But this guy, this is the big star. Pete Buttigieg. Ugh. guy. This is the big star, Pete Buttigieg. A CNBC report on Wednesday first highlighted Buttigieg's use of all lives matter in a 2015 state of city address he delivered to his constituents in South Bend, referencing two racial controversies surrounding the city's police officer. And this is the quote from 2015 from him.

There is no contradiction between respecting the risks that police officers take every day in order to protect this community and recognizing the need to overcome the biases. Implicit, more bullshit, in a justice system that treats people from different backgrounds differently. If you mean money-wise, I'll buy that, even when they are accused of the same offenses. Buttigieg said in his speech four years ago, and I quote, we need to take both those things seriously for the simple and profound reason that all lives matter. And then he backpedaled like a white cornerback trying to cover a University of Miami fucking whiteout. Oh, my God.

I can't take it anymore, folks, please. Some critics of Black Lives Matter have used All Lives Matter as a counter-slogan to the movement. It's the reason why, since learning about that phrase is being used to push back on that activism, I stopped using it in contact. Yeah, and you stopped your career, dead in its tracks. Good luck with that.

Trump is belly laughing. Like I said, meanwhile, he's got black unemployment and history record lows. And I think, here's the big secret. You don't realize how many black people Trump has won over. Could be wrong there, but I think so. You know, we haven't heard from him in a while as far as fat libs. Remember our friend Lena Dunham? Had that show Girls, which I couldn't stand. But my buddy Colin Quinn was on it, so I had to pretend I liked it. You know, I'd be on the phone with him going, I just don't fucking get it.

You know, people who live within like a mile of, three miles of Williamsburg, Brooklyn, could relate to a narcissistic, fat confused sexually woman uh you know who's whatever that's what the show is about anyways that she did another show about a year ago that got canceled and apparently they have footage of her she is not doing well let's put that up she got no pants on oh that was not Lena Dunham I'm just busting her balls that was some broad on drugs who was pantless now why couldn't it be a fucking swimsuit model it has to be some broad that's been living on fucking cookie dough and heavy cream uh Jesus Christ I didn't even show the whole clip. Some of it, she's like laying there with her legs spread and shit.

But the two girls who were filming it were belly laughing. That was a nice tackle, by the way. That's a form tackle. Let's take another look at that in slow motion. Right there. Shoulder. No helmet on helmet.

Just shoulder on tit. Big doughy tit. Bang. She was on drugs with no pants on. Those are the kinds you look for in the dance clubs. Am I right, fellas? Exactly. The girl out there dancing, doing the electric slide pantless?

Precisely. Electric slide. Wasn't it 28 years ago? 30. What's the big dance now, Orion? You'd know. You spend a lot of time in these clubs. It's been a few years. Maybe the twerk? The twerk. I did that for my wife last night in the toilet.

God, I need a cigarette. Please come to Denver, she said no. Boy, why don't you come home to me? It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside. Though I'm not one who can easily hide. Don't have much money. But boy, if I did, half of it would go up my nose, while the other half did. Anyway, I poked myself in the fucking eye.

E-cigarette explodes, rips away chunk of Cordova man's face, breaks some teeth. Lawsuit says, I told you those e-cigarettes were horrible for you. Go back to regular cigarettes. They never explode unless your friends fuck with them. Sure, they'll cause a lump the size of a fucking tangerine on one of your nuts, but so what? 25-year-old David Bishop of Cordova was at home one morning last year when he decided to use an e-cigarette before going to work. He placed the device to his lips, pressed a button to start fucking, you know, vaping. And guess what?

Suddenly, a lithium battery inside the device exploded, the lawsuit alleges. The blast blew pieces of the e-cigarette into the man's face, breaking several teeth. What's his teeth fucking made of, sugar cubes? But you'll see why. And the blast ripped away a chunk of flesh from his upper lip through his lower left cheek. Oh my goodness. The explosion also splashed Bishop with battery. Yes. Oh my goodness.

The explosion also splashed Bishop with battery. Somebody get Adam Schiff some e-cigarettes. Put them right up his ass. Causing chemical or heat burns to his left hand, face, mouth, and tongue. That's what the suit alleges. Bishop required 65 stitches in his face. Missed weeks from his job as a warehouse maintenance worker. It sounds like a fucking, actually a plus.

Bishop had his file sued against three companies involved in selling the e-cigarette and the two lithium batteries that powered the fucking cigarette. Companies involved in the case have denied Ron doing a jury trial. You know who loves this, by the way? The anti-tobacco people who are still going strong. Now they're going after e-cigarettes and vapes because it's getting kids hooked. They love shit like this. Look for a commercial in the next few weeks where somebody takes a drag and the head comes off. An e-cigarette.

Well, the kid yelled a la Akbar before he took a drag, so we're going to have to look into that. An e-cigarette or vape pen is a device that uses a battery to heat up a liquid that contains nicotine. The heat creates an inhalable vapor, and the practice is also called vaping. Ryan will tell you all about it. Unlike other devices that use potentially explosive lithium batteries, e-cigarettes are put into people's mouths like penises and candy corn and held close to their dirty faces. Lithium-ion batteries are used in laptops, phones, and a wide range of other devices. How about, uh, they're not used in, uh, you know what?

Vibrators, are they? That would be hilarious. Huh? Some girl's home diddling herself. Next thing you know, her snatch is stuck to the ceiling fan. self next thing you know our snatch is stuck to the ceiling fan however in rare cases i know they don't they use regular battery however in rare cases the batteries experience a failure called thermal runway in which the battery can hit temperatures as high as a thousand degrees that can cause an explosion um i think we have footage of one guy uh actually where this happened the thermal

runway son of a whore can we see that again please And here's why I absolutely love black people. When white people, my wife actually did this at work in L.A. She, you put little things in the cigarettes. What do you call them? A load. Yeah, a load, exactly. And she did it to a bunch.

And it sounds like a cap going off. This black dude put a fucking actual fire it sounds like a cap going off. This black dude put a fucking actual firecracker in his buddy's cigarette. Why stop there? Why don't you put an M-80? Oh, my God. That had to hurt. When I was a kid on Fourth of July, I lit a firecracker. I lit a firecracker, and my buddy threw one at my feet.

And I looked down, and I was so busy concentrating on and my buddy threw one at my feet and I looked down and I was so busy concentrating on that one, this one off in my hand. I didn't have feeling in my fingers for a good month. I'm not shitting you. Just a fucking firecracker. But he's doing well. Look at a beautiful yard. Play it again, please.

But he sits right down. Oh, God. Anyways. A flat lithium battery in a device such as a cell phone case might catch fire but is less likely to explode a report says and the shape and construction of e-cigarettes something like a pipe can contribute to explosions

when the battery seal ruptures the pressure within the e-cigarette cylinder builds quickly until it ruptures usually at the end as a result of the battery and container failure one or the other or both can be propelled across the room like a bullet or a small rocket.

That's how we get Putin, folks. That's how we get Putin or anybody. Maybe not Putin. Somebody dumber. They're the Chinese girl that's sniffing around Mar-a-Lago. Trump sits down with her and says, Yeah, yeah.

She goes, Why do you have fake cigarettes? You don't even smoke. Ah, I just wanted to try it. A friend of mine started a company. He's a tremendous marketer. Just wanted to see. And then the thing fucking goes right through her forehead.

And we all belly laugh. Anyways. Do it to Putin. If he doesn't get you first when you sip your tea filled with fucking iodine and fucking battery acid that made me fucking laugh

what do we got here oh god did you guys see this I'm gonna give you a little you know this is almost as graphic as the life alert when they show the old woman

laying at the bottom of the stairs and they put up a disclaimer. You may be offended by the follow. This is really disturbing. I had to watch this through my fingers. But I'm one of those guys when I live for those moments when I watch college sporting event and somebody's leg snaps. I will sit an inch from the television and rewind it 11 times i don't know why but um this uh girl she's star auburn gymnast breaks both legs in gruesome fall samantha serio was making her first pass at the baton rouge regional attempting a handspring double front

with a blind landing which i did this morning after I did P90X and I pulled something. When she made the hard landing and fell to the mat. Here's the video. I'm warming you. It's pretty. Keep your eye on her fucking knees. That's all I'm telling you. Go ahead.

Let's see how high she flies right here. Yep. here. Let's take a look at that again, can we please? Dislocated both knees and broke both legs. If that's not the definition of sticking a landing. And here comes Conan O'Brien to see if she's all right. I don't know who the fucking guy is wandering. Let's take another look, shall we? We can't slow that down, can we? All right.

Flies right here. Yep. Ooh. And I think... What the fuck? Wow. I wonder what... I don't know. But she's so tough, they said,

when they were taking her off, they, you know, carded her off. Her coach said, walk it off, quit being a pussy. And, uh, Bobby Knight, I'm not going to stand there and watch you stick a double landing, have your knees break, and scream like the bitch that you are.

Now, God damn it. But they said, as they carted her off, she said to the coach, go take care of the other girls. And I guess there's something unnatural. I've seen, you know, we've seen that a hundred times. Look, my sister Donna broke her leg four or five times. It turns out she had a hole in it.

After like the second time, she was born with a hole in her leg. I'm not saying that was the case there, but if that's not a congenital problem or whatever, that mat she landed on is too sticky or, Ryan, your thoughts? It's the way she landed. I used to do gymnastics. It's 100% the way she landed. Okay.

There you go. Wrong angle, right? Stiff knees. Stiff knees. Yeah, if you land like pencil straight, you're screwed. You can do without doing anything from any jump. But I've seen a lot of girls not land perfectly. Like you said, they either over-rotate or under-rotate, and that doesn't happen.

You think there might be something? No? She needed to keep those knees bent. Those girls – Yeah, God. From your God to whatever. What's the phrase? I actually – I saw something like this.

From your mouth to God's ears. Go ahead. When I was a young boy, about eight, and I used to go to gymnastics competitions, I saw a girl doing a balance beam routine. and I used to go to gymnastics competitions. Yeah. I saw a girl doing a balance beam routine. She did a double backflip, rotated by accident in the air,

landed shin on the beam. It's a steel beam with just a leather mat on top. That's how they are. Right. Shin bone splinters goes out the leg. Yeah. Compound fracture. The kid next to me is about 13.

All right. She ain't never going to walk gonna walk again well that's nice of him i saw a kid chasing a foul ball dave powers his name was uh over the first base side there was aluminum bleaches that he did the smashed his shin on the bleaches um it wasn't a compound fracture but the blood just came through his pants like somebody popped a balloon of blood. And boy, did I laugh. No, it was horrible. I was fucking cringing forever. Anyways, finally today to meet the press.

What do we got here? Man who never felt human now lives as a dog. It threw that out. Let's end it on a low note. What? Super chat? Super chat. Go ahead. Brent S. says, El Paso is the new bean town.

El Paso is the new bean town. I get it. I'm from Boston. I don't even know if Pat knows that. Which is known as bean town. He's using it because Hispanics, they call beaners. Is that what he's saying? Yes. It's a good effort, Pat.

I think you might have cancer of the funny bone, but I appreciate the effort. His name is Brent. Brent, I mean, how dare you compare the goddamn El Paso Bridge, 10,000 illegal immigrants to Boston as white as my underwear. Anything else? That's it? God damn it. All right, folks, that is it.

Tomorrow I'll start with this one. Man arrested, fatal row race, shoots a 10-year-old girl. Another example of toxic white, and I'm saying it sarcastically, masculinity. Anyways, I can't even fucking see. I'm blind. All right. What did I want to tell you?

Yeah, big change is coming. We won't get to them right now. Bruins. Maple Leafs. Oh, one other note on the sports. You see the kid from Montreal Canadiens? His first NHL game the other night, four goals. Four goals. Paling or failing, I don't know how you say it in polling.

Unbelievable. That's it. I don't know why I ended on that. We'll get to some more tomorrow. Remember, cameo.com. Go there. I will send a short video to anybody you want me to send it to to make or ruin their day. It's a lot of goddamn fun, so let's get after it.

Like I said, the wife has a coke problem and my dog is dying. Anyways, you think it, I'll say it. You're welcome. See you guys on Patreon tomorrow. Take care of yourselves We'll see you next time.