The Nick DiPaolo Show - Trump's SC Turnout Bigly! | Nick Di Paolo Show #1523

Episode Date: February 12, 2024

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about Trump the leader, the Super Bowl, Jill the shill and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com

🎵 That's your world. I just live in it. Hi. Hey, nice and clean. Didn't touch the wires? Nope. Hey, nice and clean. Didn't touch the wires? Nope. All right. Welcome, folks.

How are you on a Monday? Did you have a great Super Bowl weekend? And yes, today should be a national holiday. Somebody said a statistic, 16% of Americans call in sick on the following Monday. Make it a holiday. I cook like it was Thanksgiving. Fucking Chinese spare ribs. Well, Chinese Thanksgiving. I don't know, folks. I didn't it was Thanksgiving. Fucking Chinese spare ribs. Well, Chinese thanks. I don't know, folks. I didn't mean the turkey and shit. Chinese

spare ribs, fucking hot, sticky chicken wings. That's right, I've been taking a dump in 48 hours. A couple of wing tips came out. I don't mean chicken wings. I mean shoes. Hi, folks.

Back at you. Filthy Monday. What was I going to do? Oh, let's just take a look at who's going to be the next president. I don't know how you can stop this juggernaut. Do it my side. We will demolish the deep state. We will expel the warmongers from our government. We will drive out the deep state. We will expel the warmongers from our government.

We will drive out the globalists. We will cast out the communists, Marxists, and fascists. And we will throw off the sick political class that hates our country. We will rout the fake news media. I am your voice. We will liberate our country from these tyrants and villains. Once and for all, we will be liberated. We will be free.

Like those patriots before us, we will not bend. We will not break. We will not yield. We will never give in. We will never give up. We will never, ever back down. With your support, we will go on to victory, the likes of which no one has ever seen before. We will evict crooked Joe Biden from the White House and we will take back our country on

November 5th, 2024. I would be funny if you went, if I'm not in jail, if these crooked cocksuckers don't pull this shit. There's a laundry list that about 98% of Americans can agree on.

Even people on the left, the middle. Biden had the worst fucking week of his life with his fucking dementia. And the fucking mainstream media looking us in the eye and going, he's fine. How fucking, that's not enough of you people who've been voting Democrat your whole life. You can't believe your own eyes? You're that fucking stupid? You just want to win? Seriously?

At what cost? This country, it's already a fucking mess. I don't know who's going to fix it because it's fucking severely broken. That's a laundry list, man. I'm going, holy shit. He was in South Carolina. The crowd was so big, they couldn't fit him into the arena.

He went out stage. They had like a makeshift stage before he went in to give the real speech. They had screens out there. You're going to tell me that Biden could fucking fill Starbucks. Fucking jack off. How dare you people? He's the only thing that stands between us and tyranny. Who the fuck else? Nikki Haley, Indian prostitute. Nikki Haley, Indian prostitute. What? I don't know what that meant.

It wasn't Indian. I know. I'm very confused. Before we get into the politics, let's talk Super Bowl, right, real quick. Really good one. Really good entertaining game. I like the low scoring. I like the games where one drive or one touchdown. I'm talking like in the third quarter when it's tie.

I love shit like that. Or 10-3 at halftime, whatever it was. I like shit like that. Maybe not people like more scoring. Whatever. Anyways, as far as that goes, oh, my mother won $500. Johnny DiPaolo. You know, we played the squares. You pick a square based on whatever.

She won, she hit twice. It's based on each quarter, the score. She hit twice, 250 a pop. $500, that buys a lot of shit at Marshalls. I told, she goes, Nicky, what should I do? I said, get Frank Tits. You always wanted him. Anyways.

So yay for my mom, who was in the top 30 out of 125 people picking this year, I think. So good for her. Not for nothing. Let's talk about the dinkweed commercials. Oh, by the way, what's funny is I did my usual fucking watch it on my DVR. I was still watching it at 1230 last night. I was the last guy on the planet that didn't know how it turned out.

See, that's why I didn't text you. Why do you? Did I say you should have texted me? No, because I know better. Oh, yes. No. Yeah, no. You and anybody that spends this much time with me. Joe Liss

fucked me up once. I didn't use him for a year. I got so mad at him, which was so unfair. But yeah, I love it. I just fucking, I was, you know what I was doing? I was watching the UFC fights from the night before that I paid 80 bucks for. And to let the time build up. And then around the game started at 630, around eight o'clock, I fucking went to fucking great. And I stopped and reviewed the commercials

after just because I know how much they hate white people and the whole shit. Here's a couple of notes on the commercials. I don't even remember the companies or the product. That doesn't matter. There's the one general one that says stop hate. Right? They even play this during the season sometimes. But according to the commercial and the liberal cocksuckers in the network and the NFL who make this garbage, it cuts to what? What's the opening thing? Burning Cross.

Sure, that's happened in the last 200 years. Burning Cross. Right? Cuts to swastika. Oh, so it's only white hate, white Christian hate, right? And then it shows people saying stop Muslim hate, in other words, hating on Muslims. Showed another sign, stop Jewish hate, which I'm surprised they even put in there. No stop Christian hate, which is happening in this country, never mind in parts of Africa

and other parts of the world where they're literally slaughtering Christians and burning down Christian churches. Google it if you don't fuck it. None of that. I have to point this out. Then I get fucking crazy. My wife tells me to calm down.

I start yelling at her. No stop Christian hate. No stop in white hate. I could send you a thousand clips of white people being beat up by eight, ten black guys or whatever. So just to make clear, fuck Roger Goodell. He's just covering his ass because that's what marketing people do and people who make money. Even if there's only three woke people left, you can't leave money on the table.

We've got to cover our ass. Let's sing the black national anthem. three woke people left. You can't leave money on the table. We've got to cover our ass. Let's sing the black national anthem. Could you give a bigger middle finger to America than that? I was hoping when they were singing that that they were going to put the camera and white people in the audience all sitting or kneeling. Take a knee on your chair. Do this. Even black, there's even a lot of black people who don't agree with that. Black National Anthem,

it was a fucking religious hymn in literally 1900. Then it became a song in 1919. Black Lives Matter used it. Do you need to know any fucking more? Ay, ay, ay. Make you sick to your fucking stomach. That's about it.

I made Chinese ribs in a crock pot and hot, sticky chicken. You would have thought I was having eight people over. I'm going to be honest. I ate a few of it, and it was so fucking good, but I was like, I don't know. I woke up queasy. Touch of fentanyl, I think, in the baby aspirin.

I think that's all I woke up queasy. Touch of fentanyl, I think, in the baby aspirin. I think that's all I had. Great game. Quit comparing Mahomes to Brady. I love Mahomes. I like he's a humble guy. He's a Hall of Fame and all that. But don't put him in Brady's league yet. Okay?

I'll say this again. I mean, he's the best. There's no doubt. But that's not fair. It's not fair to Brady. It's not fair to him. And if you think that the Chiefs are going to go on and win, I don't know, what is it, 10, 12 division championships in a row

and be in the playoffs for like 20 years straight, that happens once in a lifetime. But if anybody can make a run and say, I fucking love this kid, and I wanted the Niners. He's a humble kid. You've got to love him. And like I said, he's the perfect prototype for a quarterback today. Biracial.

I'll let you fill in the rest. But it was a great football game. I freaking love low-scoring shit like that. I'm an old-school Jackoff. I think I covered it all. Oh, the other one real quick, the other commercial. Father is at a figure skating, watching her little daughter figure skate, right? She's like in a national, whatever. Do you see this one? They cut to the empty chair at the at the rink. There's no mom there.

They cut to the empty chair at the rink. There's no mom there. This is how tuned in I am. I go, I bet your mom's saving the world when they cut to her at the end, right? Because my wife goes, what do you mean? I go, every commercial today highlights that there's no dad, right? It's always a single mom taking their kids to soccer, playing baseball with them in the backyard, being their dentist. Superwoman.

There's never a dad in most of the commercials. And when when there is they make an asshole out of them, right? So I go, oh, dad's doing something good, so mother must be doing something. This is going to... Way better. Well, I was 99% right. They cut to it. She didn't go because she's helping the grandfather in a wheelchair at home. Instead of slapping him, going, you dumb motherfucker. I could have went to watch my daughter. So, again, this is how I see the world. And you can go, oh, that's crazy. No, you don't know who's making the commercials.

Once again, mom has to. Dad's doing a good thing. They can't leave it at that. Mom's doing the fucking, wiping Grampy's ass. And then the girl comes home and figures. And there was some funny shit, funny commercial. Anyways, fuck you and fuck everything that I believe in. Cut.

What? Who? Killing it? Hey, second half of the show, I'm going to show you an amazing clip in Florida of a dad saving his kid from a pedophile, if you haven't seen that. Also, shocking news out of China

about their new law or rule on population. It's shocking. Me and Dallas found it shocking because, you know, they're like rabbits over there. What do you mean? Anyways, that's all exclusively on Mug Club. So join now to get it at nickdip.com. Hey, boys and girls, head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, t-shirts, hoodies, and more It's yet another way for you to support the show and look sexy at the same time

You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nick-a-shirts Just go to nickdip.com and click on store Again, that's nickdip.com, click on store Thank you guys so much, see you soon and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com. Click on store. Thank you guys so much. See you soon. Let's go to... Where am I? I don't even know what I'm doing.

Oh, let's move along to Jill the Shill. Did you want to show our... Oh, I'm sorry. ...weekend excursion? Yes. I'm sorry. Let me rethink my stance on the black national anthem. Because I'm going to show you a clip right now, and it's real.

It's an actual funeral with black people. Apparently, the family didn't pay the funeral director's bill or whatever. This is real. And after I saw this, I've changed my mind. You black people, you deserve your own national anthem. Because you are in a planet all by yourself on this one. I'm sorry. Let's take a look in slow motion.

Watch this. Look how big the funeral director is, number one. Now, people, look, I'm an old guy. I don't live on the internets. I don't care if that's a year old, five years old. You might have already seen it years ago. I don't give a fuck. I might make that a staple every day of my show. That is the greatest clip I have ever seen

in the history of the fucking Internet. It used to be an old Russian guy knocking out four black teenagers in Russia, a guy in his 60s who was a, they picked on a boxer apparently. He literally knocked all four out like a movie scene. That was my favorite ever when I was doing that dumb show for cash, you fucking stupid criminals. I was whoring myself out with Frank Stallone, another funny guy, Tonya Harding, some real funny people. That is the greatest clip. I don't even care if it's fake, but I think it's real. And again, it could be 10. I don't give a shit. I just stumbled over it. God, I love shit like that. Did I cover everything? I got a lot of caffeine firing through me, trying to burn up that fucking rib. Yeah,

I didn't clog my heart yesterday, did I, with that shit? Fucking sticky fingers. Anyhow, Jill the shill is the headline. First Lady Jill Biden lashed out at Special Counsel Robert Herr over his scathing report that raised alarming questions about her husband's advanced age and mental acuity. And meanwhile, she's a, you know, she's an elder abuser. Who gives a fuck what you think? She is. She's watching her husband be abused. What a sick fuck she is, by the way.

While Herr, Ben Herr, cleared President Biden of any charges related to classified documents found at his Delaware home, he also flagged multiple... So in other words, they said he was guilty of what they're accusing Trump of. But the special prosecutor, Herr, said,

but you know what? He's an old, feeble man with a bad memory, so we're going to exonerate him. And the left isn't even okay with that. That's a Trump appointee who did the old man a favor by not fucking putting him through, you know. And they're still not happy. They're saying that was a political statement by him. Yeah, because nobody thinks that he's old and fucking just a guy with a bad memory. Yeah, their own party was bitching about it prior to this. Absolutely.

It took a special prosecutor, a few people to go, hey, the Republicans have a point. You fucking, how phony are you people? Anyways, when he held, he hid shit in his home, Delaware home. Also flagged multiple instances of the commander-in-chief being forgetful, describing him as a well-meaning elderly man with a poor money. With a poor money. With a poor money. With a poor

memory, Nick. What? Anyways, yeah, that's the statement. No, that's a political... Are you fucking dog-styling me? Gee, if we only had clips to prove it. He was old and feeble. His 388-page report posited that the president

couldn't remember the exact or even approximate date when his late son, Beau Biden, died or even when his vice president ended during an extended interview with President. He doesn't even remember when he was vice president. And I was reading a little of the article and he literally asked the guy, interview

him going, wait, when was I vice president? He literally says it out loud. But he's fine, right? People on the left. Here's a fucking video. Some attention paid to some language in the report about But he's fine, right? People on the left? Here's a fucking video. Some attention paid to some language in the report about my recollection of events. There's even references that I don't remember when my son died. How dare they?

How dare he raise that? Frankly, when I was asked the question, I thought to myself, it wasn't any of their damn business. Yeah? Why didn't you say that? I'm well-meaning, and I'm an elderly man, and I know what the hell I'm doing. I've been president. I put this country back on its feet. They can hear me, right? I don't need any recommendation.

It's totally out of- How bad is your memory, and can you continue- That's Steve Doocy. My memory is so bad, I can't even speak. Oh, Peter Doocy. Yeah. That's- Do you feel your memory has gotten worse, Mr. President?

No, look. My memory is not gone. My memory is fine. Peter do speak So look my memory is not got my memory is fine. Can you fucking imagine? Fuck you know that I Hope you can imagine how it felt to read that attack not just as Joe's wife, but as his whore. His unfuckable fake doctorate whore. But as Bo's mother, Jill Biden bemoaned in an email to her backers over the weekend, which include the Denver Nuggets power forwards.

I don't know what this special counsel was trying to achieve. We should give everyone grace. Yeah, we, are you guys on a, it's frightening. My hair is standing up. Yeah, he's got no breaks from the press in his three and a half years of being the worst president. We should give everyone grace. And I can't imagine someone would try to use our son's death to score political points. You fucking whore. Yeah, that's it. Go home. Get fucking whore. Yeah, that's it. Go home.

Get my dinner ready. That's Joe in the background, not realizing. Joe thought that was the nutritional chef from the White House. His report claimed that Biden did not remember, even within several years when his son Beau died. Beau died from brain cancer in 2015, and the president has frequently recounted the anguish he went through during that time. The special counsel claimed that Biden did not remember when he was vice president, forgetting on the first day of the interview when his term ended. If it was 2013, this was Biden talking. If it was 2013, when did I stop being vice president?

The day you became vice president? And forgetting on the second day of the interview when his term began. In 2009, am I still vice president? But he's fine. But he's fine, says Joe Scarborough. And then after making the statement that his memory is fine, completely confuses world leaders. Do we have that or no?

I didn't give that to you. Yeah, then he went on to say after saying his memory was fine, he confuses the president of Egypt with Mexico. Because that's the fight in the Middle East. And I had, I gave Guptel a good joke

for that in Monologue. I hope it gets through. Yeah, so Joe thinks the Nile is in fucking Mexico City or Tijuana. What? Has he ever not fucked up on camera? And he's not on camera that much, folks.

Think about Trump. Trump will stop if it's three homeless guys that want to talk to him. You smell. You smell like shit. I'll take care of it. Put on a hat. Here's a MAGA hat, cover that greasy head, oh my God, but aren't you insulted,

folks, you must, your blood must boil, when they gaslight you, day after day, oh my God, it's fucking infuriating, hope I don't sound biased,

fuck off, anyhow, hey, for those of you guys on Mug Club, stick around for the second half of the show, everyone else go to nickdhow. Hey, for those of you guys on Mug Club, stick around for the second half of the show. Everyone else, go to nickdip.com. Enjoying to get my full show, Steven Crowder's full show.

While I was there, he broke some great news at an undercover team that went national. It's a great show. I'm not just saying that. It's a fucking great show. Alex Jones on Fridays, the very funny Brian Callen, Hodge twins, and a whole lot more.

while you're at my site, by the way, click on Nick, click on the tour button. I have one right now. May 11th, and again, I'll repeat this, Jersey. You've always been great to me. Please be great to me again when I need it. This is 1,500 seats. Now, I know that's easy for a Billy Burr or a fucking Louis C.K. or you know, what's Gillis' first name? Stu. I mean, these guys do easy numbers, bigger

numbers than that. I'm just saying. How about the original gangster who put them on their fucking right-wing ways? Anyways, somebody's going to blow my horn. Nobody else is. All right? May 11th. Count Basie Theater, Red Bank, New Jersey. Bring your mother, because it's Mother's Day weekend. Maybe we can get her some Jagermeister shots, and she can flash her

ass in the parking lot after the show, and I'll give her a free CD. I'll sign her tits. Delicious. Thank you. I'll sign her feet. Right on that giant bunion. I won't take all that they hand me down And make out a smile though I wear a frown And I'm not gonna take it all lying down Cause once I get started I go to town Cause I'm not like everybody else, no, no I'm not like everybody else

I'm not like everybody else, well I'm not like everybody else And I don't wanna live my life like everybody else And I don't wanna be destroyed like everybody else And I don't wanna be destroyed I'm like everybody else And I don't wanna get a job I'm like everybody else Cause I'm not like everybody else I see you singing, what are you?

I'm not like everybody else Baby