The Nick DiPaolo Show - Tucker Transitions To Trump | Nick Di Paolo Show #1491

Episode Date: December 4, 2023

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about US Warships attacked, Tucker for Trump, Gutfeld for Tucker and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 If you want to talk like a fucking millennial, we'll send you to Slippin' Falls School. Holiday greetings. How are you, folks? Welcome to the show. How was your weekend? Was it good? If you're a college football fan, it was Christmas come early, man. Oh, my goodness, man. I'm not, again, I probably, look, my audience is probably, I know it's majority male, about 95%, and you're conservative, which means you probably like college football. I just don't know how much time to spend on it, because I know there's some whining bitches out there who, yeah, it's not a sports show, you know, fucking people. No, it's your show. Oh, it is my show. The fuck? I was thinking it was how the government runs. I pretend it's ours, but it's really...

Anyway, real quick summation for you people. They only picked four, which is silly. There's only four teams in a playoff in a fucking nation of 130-something Division I teams. So how the fuck is it going to be fair? You know. Number two, I never understood it, why you wouldn't have a playoff system back when I was 20, since there's more money in it, isn't there, in a tournament?

I never understood that. Still got these cheesy bowl games. Anyways, over the weekend, Georgia, who hadn't lost a game in, what, three seasons? 29-0. 29-0, lost their first game to Alabama, so that's no fucking shame. And they're not in the playoffs, which I understand. They were, you know, whatever.

I'd still be pissed. Florida State, we understand. Their quarterback snapped his ankle. It was delicious a couple weeks ago. They were down to a third string quarterback. They went undefeated. So they are furious that they didn't get in. But, you know, if you watch, you're like, nah, they weren't.

And who else has a beef? Anybody? No. Not really. Oregon might have a beef. Yeah, Oregon. Yeah. So Washington and Michigan were one and two because they were both undefeated.

And scary good, by the way. I'll tell you that much. And then Alabama gets in with that wild play last week and then beating Georgia, an undefeated team. And who's the other team in? Oh, the other team. So it's going to be Michigan and Alabama michigan and alabama texas and texas texas who is playing lights out at least offensively anyways i'm sure i just bored 12

lesbians what am i saying they love this shit um anyways that's the four teams we have a clip that dallas found i might be catching you off guard here, Dale. I wasn't going to. But the teams gather around to see who's in because they don't know. Right after their games, they have to wait the next day for the announcement. This is Michigan, who you could argue is really the best team in the country. I've seen it played numerous times. And this is

real Michigan. It's not one of these phony Michigans. J.J. McCarthy, a quarterback, a kid's unbelievable. Anyways, this is Michigan thinking, again, they don't know who's in or out at this point. They're probably hoping for Florida State because they would get the weakest seed because they're number one, correct?

They're thinking maybe Florida State, who doesn't even get in, they don't know this. This is what they do. And usually everybody stands up and cheers. It doesn't matter who they got. We're going to kick the shit out of them. This is what happens when they pound. They got Alabama.

It's kind of a funny. Come on. Listen to that lukewarm enthusiasm. Could I be happier? Yeah. Yeah. Who couldn't? Well done, Nick.

Thank you. Holy shit. Anyways, so they got Alabama, and you never want Alabama. Because if Alabama's in the playoffs, they're there legitimately. They play a brutal schedule. Nick Saban is a fucking wizard. Anyhow, can you imagine the numbers they're going to do, ratings-wise? Yeah, and then next year is the 12-team playoff.

Next year goes to 12, which, again, you know, out of 130-something, you've got to draw the line somewhere. Otherwise, these kids will be playing football. I mean, they already don't go to class. But, yeah, so it's 12 next year, and there will be more pissed-off people. But what? Whatever. All right.

Enough of the fun. I do that, folks, because some sports writer once said that sports is the toy department of life. Isn't that a great... Red somebody said that. Red Skelton. No. Red, I don't know.

Kelly? I don't know. It was a great quote. Red Buttons? Red... Yeah, Red Buttons said it. Anyways, Red Buttons, holy shit, what a gay name. Fucking Black Laces.

Let's start off, do you know we're in a war right now, folks? People, the government's not telling you. They don't want you to get excited. You'll find out when we get hit over here with another terrorist attack, because they're already setting up shop. I can smell them from New Jersey. Anyways, why do I say we're at war? Holy ship. A U.S. warship and multiple commercial vessels were attacked in the Red Sea on Sunday, the Pentagon said. A frightening development ratcheting up maritime tensions in the Middle East during the Israeli-Hamas fucking war that we are, we, look, how many troops have been getting

hit over there? For a month we've been, and we fire back like, and we hit an empty garage because Biden doesn't want to, you know. Do you want to go to war? Come on, do you want to go to war? We'll take you to war, okay? Apparently they do. The USS Kearney, my favorite boat, which previously shot down missiles and drones aimed at it as it escorted a commercial vessel through the war-torn region, was targeting along with at least two other commercial ships starting around 10 a.m. local time in an assault that lasted about five hours, the Pentagon, and an unnamed U.S. official said, why don't you name the official? It was not immediately clear whether the American warship was struck.

Well, get back to us when you find out. How the fuck do you know it was shot at, but you don't know if it was hit? They do know. There's the ship going under the George Washington Bridge. That looked like the fucking Hudson, was it? Yeah. It probably was. U.S. officials did not identify where the military fire came from.

They think it was some pissed off Boy Scouts in Tehran. What? Although they added that the carny shot down at least one drone on Sunday. So, again, they know Biden's weak. They would never do that if Trump was there. Trump would be on the phone saying this. Don't you ever try to fuck me. Don't try to fuck me. Don't ever try

to fuck me. Some of the biggest fucks in the world. Yemen's Houthi rebels, I love them, I had them plus seven this weekend, who have proclaimed they would attack ships on the Red Sea over Israel's ground and encourage it into Gaza. Later acknowledged that they had targeted two Israeli commercial ships Sunday, but did not mention the U.S. Navy vessel.

Defense Secretary and fuck-face whitey-hater said, here is fucking Lloyd Austin, who is just the biggest, yeah, we've cubbed this jerk up. He's about as patriotic as Nancy Pelosi. Show this stoop. The U.S. military is here to win our country's wars and to win them decisively. Ooh. We will always try to deter conflict, but if we have to defend our country, we will fight and we will win.

Could you be more bland and pick, we will fight and we will win. We're here to defend our, could you pick more broad, just boilerplate horse shit, you fuck face. Nick, calm down. I can't help it, man. It's the Sanka. They do put stuff in it. The rebel group claimed it had aimed for two commercial vessels. One of them was Tiger Woods Yacht. The Unity Explorer and number nine, because the ships failed to heed warnings to get out of the region. Who the fuck do you think you people are?

I'm getting out of it. At least one commercial vessel was known to be hit Sunday. A ship belonging to a British company owned by Danny Unger, the son of Israeli shipping magnet, Rami Unger. Rami. You ever have his noodles?

Look, there they are in their latest... Can you put that back? That's Donna Karan's latest line. Those are actually people in Times Square protesting. I told you, I lived in friggin', I lived in Astoria, Queens. I had the best material. Because I go, yeah, I saw the four wise men getting out of a Range Rover today. They were under a bus stop.

They were dressed like that under a bus stop. I go, I look like the fucking manger. God, I was funny. What happened? Hey, you guys, in the second half of the show, I'm going to be talking about a movie that's pissing off lesbians and transgender people all over the country. I'll also tell you what washed up on a Malibu beach this weekend.

Stay tuned for that. I couldn't believe it. It was ridiculous. It's exclusive, by the way, on Mug Club. So join now to get it at nickdip.com. Hey, guys and gals, before I forget, we're having a big Christmas sale from now until December 10th at the Nick DiPaolo merch shop. All merchandise is 15% off if you use code STNICK, S-T-N-I-C-K. That's S-T-N-I-C-K. We have hoodies, hats, shirts, mugs, signed DVDs, signed plastic hips and knees. signed DVDs, signed plastic hips and knees. So head over to nickdip.com and click on store now so we can get your order to you before Christmas. And don't forget to use the code STNICK. Talk to you soon. We move along, don't we? Hi, Santa. How are you? This is gay Santa.

He used to, no, he used to wiggle, but it's broken. You press a button, he'd do the gayest dance you've ever seen. But I paralyzed him. From the beard down. Anyways, only Santa with a colostomy bag. Tucker for Trump. This was some interesting stuff. Look, I'm not going to hide my elite. I love Tucker Carl Trump. This was some interesting stuff. Look, I'm not going to hide my elite.

I love Tucker Carlson. I think, honest to God, if I could pick anybody to be president, but he's too smart to ever fucking get involved in that shit. But he should run for something. I just think he's the goat when it comes to this shit.

And on the latest episode of Roseanne Barr's podcast, which I want to do. Tommy, you're not watching. Tucker Carlson finally admitted what many of us have long suspected. He's voting for Donald Trump in 2024. Excuse me. I bet you a lot of people are going, what? Why is that a surprise?

A lot of people assume, especially the left, that he's a big Trump fan and, you know, died in the wool. He's a little deeper than that to the point where even I was like, what? He said, and I quote, this is Tucker on Roseanne's podcast. I became an active Trump supporter when they raided Mar-a-Lago. That can't stand, Carlson told Roseanne. I agree with Trump on a lot, but even if I disagree with Trump on a lot, I'd still be a Trump supporter because you cannot allow the president of the United States to use the Justice Department to knock the front runner out of the race. Amen. It's as simple as that, you lefty

fucks. That's what you're pulling for? For Carlson, the issue is bigger than Trump. It's bigger than Biden. It's a question of, do you want to live in a free country with a functioning justice system? He says, I'm voting for Trump. And if they convict him, I will send the max donations and I will lead protests, which is pretty strong. It's freedom, baby. Yeah. The type of talk that got him booted from Fox, you know, a little too honest. Carlson is correct. The 2024 presidential

election is a referendum on what type of country Americans want. Do we want an America in which anyone can become the president or an America in which only those passing muster with a self appointed panel of elites qualify for the job. Colin Quinn had a great line about our democracy. Yeah, we have one more choice than a dictatorship does. Fucking brilliant. Do we want an America that respects the sovereignty of its citizens or an America that protects them from themselves?

Do we want an America that recognizes and resists true authoritarianism or an America that turns on its own people rather than disturb itself aggrandizing simplistic fantasy of our democracy? My curiosity and my rising resentment towards sanctimonious Trump haters and the intelligence insulting lies they spewed got the better of me. I started, this is why I love him. He tells you how he came to this conclusion. He doesn't just come out, excuse me, goddammit. He doesn't just come out, you know, and just throw it in your face without backing up. I started reading and listening to all the people I had automatically dismissed

as cranks and grifters. In a few cases, my initial assessment was correct, but even they had good points to make if I approached without ego. Picture somebody on the left being that reasonable, okay? And they call him a far right nut. You see what I'm saying? My progression from cautious, sophisticated Trump minimizer to full-throated magapatriot was slow but definitive and irreversible. Those who disagree might as well admit that they would prefer their supposed moral and intellectual inferiors, meaning us, to stay out of it altogether. Perhaps one day they'll get their wish.

Until then, the most prudent cause for America is to vote for goddamn Trump. I added the goddamn. Okay? I am your voice. Look at him right there. You know what he looks like there? Looks like a priest about to do communion or something. Come on up. It's the body of Christ. They say it. The blood of Christ. They say it's the blood of Christ. It's very round. Very round Christ. And the blood of Christ is very delicious. It has notes of Judaism.

Raspberry. I didn't even give you the best part of that article. I'm going to admit that right now. About how he came. Do you know that Tucker voted for Obama twice? And that's how much he didn't care for Trump. And also, what about Hillary? Oh, who went up against McCain? Oh, Romney? I can't remember. I think he went with fucking Hillary. Oh, whatever. I'm just saying, he's not this right, right, right wing, you know.

And a lot of people didn't like, remember Trump? Trump, you know, because they had clips of him on Howard Stern. You know, he was pro-abortion. You know, he had a lot of left-leaning shit. But that's what salesmen do. They go with the wind. But once you retire and you've got a zillion dollars and you realize how great the country's been to you,

I think his heart's in the right place. Anyways, I thought that was surprising. Not surprising. A lot of people thought it was surprising. I thought it was a little surprising that Tucker voted for Obama. I would have just sat it out. And a related story. Gutfeld the Greek, yes.

Good Greek. It's a great Greek guy, Greek. Gutfeld the Great, yes. Good Greek. It's a great Greek guy, Greek. Gutfeld the Great, I call him, on this one. This is why I like him. Fox News host Greg Gutfeld slammed his own network while defending Tucker Carlson in a moment that left the studio audience stunned, which isn't really fair because the studio audience is about 48 people in their late hundreds. And they're, you know, they fucking, every fucking great joke goes over their heads and they try, you know. Anyways, in a moment that left the studio audience stunned, Gutfeld also seemed to imply that Fox News is part of the censorship industrial complex. You are correct, sir.

Which is true. That's why I laugh when people on the left go, yeah, Fox News, they don't take us. They're so far right. You guys have no idea. I guess you don't know what the far right really looks like. Okay? They were getting in trouble when they questioned the election results.

Again, you know, that's, God forbid you question the truth on Friday's episode of Gutfellow the Fox News and full disclosure yes I do write to them the Fox News host was discussing the viral moment when Elon Musk emphatically told companies attempting to blackmail him with advertising dollars to go fuck yourself Gutffeld praised Musk for refusing to bend the knee to the cancel culture campaign, targeting his ex-social media platform and defending free speech. Here is Greg talking about what Elon did. It's like extorting Jerry Nadler with salad.

That's not mine. Or blackmailing sports fans by threatening to cancel PBS. The fact is, Musk may be the last man standing between real freedom of speech and the suffocating block of the censorship industrial complex,

which is made up of government, media, and tech forces. He realizes that advertisers have no spine and can be easily cowed by special interest groups in cahoots with political allies. If you don't believe me, I got two words for you. Tucker Carlson. Whoa. Wow. Is this great? OK, they didn't know what to do. I guess great? Okay.

They didn't know what to do. I guess they got it why it was so content. Either that or they just didn't fucking know the point he was making. I don't know. I don't trust audiences. Because you know why? You know, when you get in groups, you become dumber, right? That's why it's so hard to make people laugh in a comedy.

It's a group. And they get that group mentality. Half the shit, the zingers that I send, he's laughing. I can see him winking at me at home. But yeah, he was saying, if you guys missed the point, remember they gave Tucker the boot because he was being perfectly honest. What was it about the election? I can't even remember now.

Anyways, it's only the main point of the story. I forget. The Gutfeld video clip went viral and caught the attention of Musk, who shared the video with the caption, correct. So I texted Greg. I go, it must be nice to have a, I said, it must be nice to have friends like Donald Trump and Elon Musk on your side and you have access to him now. I'm sure he'll be on the show now. I thought he had already been a guest. After being fired from Fox News,

Carlson joined Musk on the X social media platform where he has the massively successful Tucker on X show, which I haven't even watched. That's how much I hate fucking anything on the internet other than latinohousewives.org, that I haven't even watched my favorite TV guy of all time. Hey, for those of you on Mug Club, stick around for the second half of the show. Everyone else, go to nickdip.com and join to get my full show, get Steven Crowder's full show, which I will be on again this Wednesday night

as we stream the fourth GOP debate. I think it's fourth. Could be 11th, 10th. Who gives a fuck? It's a joke. I'll be there this Wednesday night so check it out everyone else go to nickdip.com and join to get my full show

like I just said, crowd is at a whole lot more let's move on shall we or we have a tour date oh shit that's right, in 2027 I'll be doing stand up again at the Skidmarks in Buffalo. I can't believe nobody's made it. What a name for a comedy club. Skidmarks. Again,

marks like M-A-R-X, like Groucho. Skid. I'd have this cigar look like a piece of shit. It's beautiful. I'm like Michael and Del. I can sell shit. Yeah. May 11th, thank thank you dallas of 2024 coming up count basey theater in red bank new jersey on may 11th what better guy to come see on mother's day than my filthy greasy ass but pleat guys i'm making a plea plea i'm i'm pleading right now come out to this one i sell good in jersey last theater i did it was sold out but this is like way bigger than i'm used to playing all right like 1500 seats so please please bring a friend whatever crippled kids homeless i want i want cardboard figurines of people so it looks full, whatever. Yeah, like they do at the Oscars. Get some mannequins when you're smashing and grabbing.

Black people, too, bring mannequins out of the... I really do. Again, it's a ways away, but I'll be on Crotter a million times before then plugging it, and it's a big one. I will probably be doing a date before that. Said to my manager, can we do a little test game at fucking like 600 seats somewhere? He keeps telling me he's working on it. What am I, fucking Liberace? Why is it so hard? Well, you know, people think you're controversial. Well,

you're a big fag. I mean, not Tommy, but people think I're controversial. Well, you're a big fag. I mean, not Tommy that people think I'm controversial. guitar solo Outro Music