The Nick DiPaolo Show - Twitter Aiding and Abetting Taliban | Nick Di Paolo Show #590

Episode Date: August 18, 2021

Taliban Turds. Are U Dog-Styling Me? All's Wheel Well That Ends Wheel Well.

Hi, boys and girls. Nick DiPaolo here. Free speech lives right here on The Nick DiPaolo Show. I'm grateful to be able to do this show my way, and I'm only able to do it my way because of your generous contributions. Please go to nickdip.com or click the link on thecomicsgym.com and contribute today to keep this show and our speech free. Thank you so much. Oh yeah! Good morning, afternoon, evening everybody.

How are you? Welcome to the big show. It's Wednesday already. Wednesday. Again, quick reminder, I will be on the movie set starting Monday. For a couple weeks. We'll figure something out. I hope Tommy's work on it right now. I know Matt has a rock band he's in.

My wife's taking tap and she can juggle, so I think that'll cover the two weeks. Don't you? I think so. Yeah, it'll be terrific. The best of. Anyways, I can't wake up this morning, even with nine cups of coffee. Kiss my ass.

Kiss my ass, you dirty hoe. Anyways, what's going on in the world? After Joe Biden ruined his presidency, not that it was ever a presidency to begin with, I think it's fitting for a guy who was, literally, it was stolen by the media, Silicon Valley. They all teamed up to get this jerk off elected, and they still lost, really. I'll say that until I'm blue within this shirt. And it's the fucking truth. He's a, now he's a lame duck.

My apology to ducks everywhere. Guy couldn't run a fucking lemonade stand. There's Jack off. fucking lemonade stand. There's Jack off. Anyways, there's people still defending him like Stephen Colbert, who, oh, what has, you know, he was on tough crowd with us for an episode. Madam liked him, met him at some event show, busy event, you know, cordial, um, not a dumb guy. But then I watched this shit from last night. I don't care if you're not bad, you're evil. You're not a dumb guy, you're evil. I think he's a true believer in this leftist horseshit. Anyways, the headline, Biden's fluffer, I call him. You know what that is?

Stephen, I have cancer of the funny bone Colbert, sucking more Democrat dick during his monologue last night. Somebody sent this to me and I don't watch him. I don't think I ever have. But listen to him. And, you know, folks, comedy, the best jokes are supposed to be honest and true. That's the funniest shit. But he's just playing the game for fucking ratings and he's getting his marching orders

from either the White House directly or the New York Times. That's how it works today. That's how fucking the propaganda spreads. He cannot seriously believe this. Check out this joke and his shitty monologue. Why should our soldiers be fighting radicals in a civil war in Afghanistan?

We've got our own on Capitol Hill. Oh, didn't see that coming. Fuck you, mother! Oh, God. What a bag of shit. Do you really believe that, Steven? Do you? Why don't you move over there then?

Why don't you get the hell out of this country? Go get a nice duplex in Kabul, you asshole. And he's following the narrative of Joe Biden. Remember, we're the terrorists, the white old guys, the domestic terrorists. We're the threat, not the Taliban, who's already fucking shot a woman for not having her hat on. Fucking evil fucks. How embarrassing. Joe Biden has been wrong, not just as president or vice president,

on every major decision. I was too lazy to look him up, but I've read this 900 times every time I read about Joe Biden. All the things he's been wrong on from going into Iraq. There's been like 10 major decisions in foreign policy before he was president that he's been on on from going into Iraq. There's been like 10 major decisions in foreign policy before he was president that he's been on the wrong side of. He didn't even want to kill bin Laden. He's just a jerk-off. And then Kamala Harris, I heard, said, you know, she was quoted as saying yesterday, somebody heard her arguing with somebody. They wanted her to speak out on this. She said, they're not pinning that shit on me.

Oh my God, are we in deep doo-doo. Oh my God. What the fuck? Jen Psaki I'd vote before. I'd let her take over. You know the beautiful redhead? Looks like

Conan O'Brien's ass cheeks. What? Why do you got to go there, Nick? That's not funny. Don't you want to get on Fox News? No. Anyways, the Taliban turds, as I call them, they make beautiful music. Oh, come on. Oh, come on. As Colin Quinn says, that album is called The Best of Female Circumcision. That's the shit you heard in every time you got in a cab in New York when I was living there for 15 years. That's the shit you heard.

The guy's talking Farsi into his headset. He's looking into that rearview mirror, those black Bible eyes, plotting your death as he's bringing you to his girlfriend's apartment. Your girlfriend's apartment. It's really creepy. Taliban fighters shot and killed a woman, but she had it coming. It was the way she was dressed. Not wearing a burqa in Afghanistan Tuesday. The same day the group pledged to usher in a new inclusive era.

Everybody's playing the game. Can you imagine all this PC shit? They're obviously not going to do it, but I'm just saying it's so, it's filtered through the world that even the Taliban has to pretend. They're going to be more inclusive, a new inclusive era in the country that honors women's rights. Didn't Cuomo say that? A little finger popping tonight. A photo emerged of a woman in Takhar province lying in a pool of blood with loved ones crouched around her after she was killed by insurgents for being in public without a head covering, which is what they're going to do to us if you don't wear a mask,

probably in a few months. Isn't that ironic how Biden is making us cover our face and the tech... Anyways, you believe that shit? Killing her because you didn't have a burqa. The killing came amid the outfit's version of a charm. They call it a charm offensive.

Durka durka. Muhammad jihad. Hakka sherpa sherpa. Abakala. After its swift takeover of the country in the absence of U.S. troops, who had been propping up allied military groups since shortly after the September 11, 2001 attacks that we've seemed to forget about. Yeah. Taliban spokesman, Ryan Seacrest.

Look at this jack off. Every time you see clips of it, doesn't it look like a picture from the Bible? Or I don't know, Ben-Hur? I don't know what time these... I lived in Queens and it was low to a guy's dress like. I had so much material on my neighborhood in Queens. Some of my best jokes, I said, I saw the three wise men getting out of a Range Rover today.

And this is true. There was like six of them huddled. It was raining out under one of those bus stops. I said it looked like a manger scene. So I brought them a bag of myrrh. Good night, everybody. I did. I brought them a bag of fucking myrrh.

With a fucking button. Timing is everything. Taliban spokesman Zabullah Mohaid held a news conference to say about the woman that they, you know, that they shot. A, she was a hooah. Perfect English. B, she was a hooah. Can you imagine? He said that the insurgents would honor women's rights within the highly restrictive Sharia law.

I couldn't even come up with an analogy for that. It's like Burger King saying, we're going to get you guys healthy, but you still have to eat the fucking trans fat. I don't know. The militant urged women to return to school and work. Did they urge them? Yeah, at the point of a bayonet and another taliban spokesman granted a televised interview to a chick oh my god are they moving up

to a female journalist do you believe that look at him look at that and you know what i'll get to it you find this they're on twitter look at that i like you know what? I'll get to it. You find this. They're on Twitter. Look at that ass. I don't like your jerk-off name. Oh, your beard. I don't like your jerk-off face. I don't like your jerk-off behavior. And I don't like you, jerk-off.

Muhyidd. Muhyidd. Fucking. I'm sad that we have to talk about Afghanistan just because of the names. Let's call him Kevin. Muhyidd also vowed to grant amnesty to Afghans, oh yeah, who worked with the now toppled government architected by the United States. You believe that, you fucking I? He's lying. Oh, that motherfucker's lying. He be lying. Yeah, we're

going to grant you amnesty, as in you'll be dead, and it's sort of like amnesty from life. You're free to go. Do you know what they do to people who are working with the allies, U.S. allies? There was something like over 10,000 to 20,000, I've read this yesterday, 10,000 to 20,000 translators, and they only picked up 2,000 of them so far? Do you understand what's going to happen to those people? Mother of God. And if you really believe these people are changing their ways, oh, yeah, I heard that in talks with Gloria Steinem to head up the genders department at Kabul fucking community college.

Hell of a football team. But you've got to be kidding me. I don't fucking believe it. But anyways, these Jackoffs are on Twitter. I'll get to that in a second. Jack Dorsey is the fucking devil. I always thought Dorsey was gay. I could have sworn I heard that he was gay.

I was praying he was gay. And I looked up, maybe I'm wrong, but he's got the Taliban beard. Anyways, let's move wrong, but he's got the Taliban beard. So anyways, let's move on, shall we? In our, are you dog styling me segment tonight? Terrorist loving Twitter. Terrorist loving Twitter.

Unlike former president Donald Trump, this is so fucking outrageous. The faces and voices of the reconstituted, what are they, powdered milk, Taliban regime in Afghanistan can apparently tweet to their heart's content. They're on Twitter, but Trump can't be allowed to. What's the world coming to? Trump can't be allowed to. What's the world coming to? In a statement obtained by Mediate Tuesday, Twitter ducked the question of whether it would bar representatives of the Islamic fundamentalist government from getting their message out 280 characters at a time,

saying only, this is Twitter talking, that it would continue to proactively enforce its rules outlawing the glorification of violence, platform manipulation, and spam. Yeah, I hate that Taliban spam. What the fuck? Dorsey, you are a ball-less piece of shit. Dorsey, you are a ball-less piece of shit. Twitter's top priority, this is a quote from the company, is keeping people safe. Yeah, yeah.

And we remain vigilant. Oh, keeping people safe. That's funny. Isn't that how all the riots were organized? It's everything but. Isn't that how people have lost their livelihoods? On Twitter? The social media mobs ruin your life?

Yeah, but it's all about keeping people safe. Except for, you know, Afghani women and people wearing red Trump hats. You piece of fucking lying cocksucker. Made no sense whatsoever. And action. I am also jazzed up on coffee. Looked good today.

Worked out yesterday. Seven-minute workout. You ever see anybody focus on his looks? Seven-minute workout. Let me just digress, okay? They don't do this to Taliban. You see him climbing those monkey bars? That's all stock footage.

I'm telling you guys, you know, when you're on the Internet, it looks like clickbait. It says do this for, when you're on the internet, there's always, it looks like clickbait. It says, do this for seven minutes to get in great shape, blah, blah, blah. So I always click on this shit just to see. And it's a woman and it's seven minutes of, I don't know how, they're very easy. They're full body, but it gets your heart rate up. You do it, you do it seven minutes, three times if you want to get something out of it. So it's not even 20 minutes, though. And I am soaked, like I'm working out for 45 minutes.

And I can't explain it. It's not that fucking hard, but it's working. Between that and the meth that I'm eating and just grapes and dirt, I'm getting shredded. But I'm serious. If you see that, click on that seven minute page. I do it three, sometimes four times. Anyways, I just wanted to throw that out there to you fat fucks.

Look at you, you fat fuck! Anyways, this is Twitter's goal to keep people safe. We remain vigilant, this statement added. Can you imagine saying that to our faces? That's right, Jack. Both official Taliban spokesmen, get this, both spokesmen for the Taliban have unverified accounts on Twitter. Give them a check mark, for Christ's sake. They've got a huge following. One, Zabula

Mohaid has more than 300, I hope I'm not butchering your name. That's not him. That's Jack Dorsey. That's it, right? That's actually a Freudian slip. Has more than 310,000 followers. His most recent tweet as of Tuesday afternoon promoted a press conference by Taliban leaders and drew hundreds of responses. Meanwhile, I can't put up a clip of me

saying the fucking election was a fraud or whatever or I'm the vaccine is bullshit can you fucking imagine why aren't we fucking storming Silicon Valley in Jack's house and hanging him by his gay balls why why I ask

ask not what the Taliban can do for you but what you can do for the Taliban. Let the machete be passed to a new generation. Press conference by Taliban leaders and drew hundreds of responses, many of them from well-wishers. Did you hear that? On Twitter, they're wishing, guarantee they're American Democrats. I swear on my mother. Durka, Durka, Muhammad Jihad. Hakka Sherpa Sherpa.

The other spokesman, Kari Youssef Ahmadi, who I like because I can pronounce his name, has more than 63,000 followers, which is like a shitty comedian, and gained notoriety during the recent fighting for tweeting reports about the capture of various cities as the Taliban swept through the Afghan countryside. And he also was quoted as saying, Durka, Durka, Muhammad Jihad. Haka Sherpa Sherpa. Abakala.

That's funny every time. Big tech critics have expressed outrage, all 10 of us, over Twitter's tolerance. What a bunch of sheep in this country, huh? Boy, social media did one thing. It exposed the fucking character flaw in a lot of sheep in this country, huh? Boy, social media did one thing. It exposed the fucking character flaw in a lot of American people who sit on the sideline and shit on people and support evil, but they do it anonymously. That takes a lot of balls, as Tony Soprano would say. Anyways, over Twitter's tolerance toward the Taliban after it banned Trump

in the aftermath of the deadly January 6th riot at the U.S. Capitol. The company also recently suspended Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, one of my favorites, right from here in Georgia, House Rep. You know, remember she made commercials

when she was running with guns and shit? Kind of a hard-ass blonde. Imagine they booted her off Twitter after she questioned the efficacy of COVID-19 vaccines. You can't do that, but you can finger pop a 12-year-old girl and then chop her head off. That's all right. But has permitted accounts affiliated with repressive governments like China and Iran. They work with China and Iran to spread anti-American and anti-Israel

propaganda. I have had it with these cocksuckers. No, they're ignorant. That's ignorant. Oh, that sure is. By contrast, Facebook, wow, Facebook has promised to enforce its ban on accounts that praise, support, or represent the

Taliban on all its platforms including Instagram. Too late, Zuckerberg. He's probably doing it because he's Jewish and he's shitting his pants. Nick, why'd you bring that? I don't know. Bullshit. Too late, Zuckerberg. You're the one who poured $350 million into local election to get Biden elected with your filthy money. So don't try to fucking backpedal now. We know your true colors. The Taliban is sanctioned as a terrorist organization under U.S. law. Yeah, and so is the Eagle Scouts.

And we have banned them from our services under our dangerous organization policies. So again, you know, the Tea Party is thrown into that same category in Trump. Although Trump might still be on Facebook, is he? I don't know. Anyways, a Facebook spokesman told CNBC, a spokesperson for the encrypted chat app WhatsApp, which is also owned by Facebook, told Vice News, which is so much dog shit, that while we do not have access to the contents of people's personal chats, yeah, sure you don't. China does. However, if we become aware that a sanctioned individual or organization may have a presence on WhatsApp, we take action. What do you do?

Support them? Throw them dollars? What do you do? TikTok, too. You know TikTok, right? That's a Chinese invention. You understand that, right? You understand that they're fucking monitoring anybody on there that says anything. Wake up, too. You know TikTok, right? That's a Chinese invention. You understand that, right? You understand that they're fucking monitoring anybody on there that says anything.

Wake up, America. Good luck and good night. Google on YouTube vowed to CNN, also it must be true, Tuesday that it would terminate any account it believes to be operated by the Afghan Taliban, while TikTok told CNBC it is removing content that supports, appraises the militant Taliban group. Even though that TikTok is an invention of the communist Chinese who, you know, kill Uyghurs by the thousands. Not Uyghurs, Uyghurs. Those are Chinese Muslims. Good night, everybody. What?

Twitter did not immediately respond to requests for comment by the post. They didn't get right back to your post? They didn't get back to when you pointed out what a fucking hypocrite that they are? Are you serious? So put that back up. What is that, the emblem?

We have the Twitter emblem. And that is what? That's the Taliban logo. Now, I want to get that tattooed on my back, but with a big red X through it. What do you think? And then run through the streets of Kabul. Just for a little attention.

I'm very sad. I'm still here, folks. Relax. Oh, I can't wait for this kitchen thing to be over. Mother of Christ. You know what it's like to come down the stairs in your underwear and there's a guy and a girl standing in the fucking foyer like measuring shit? And I flex for them both,

and they go, who's this asshole? What do you see? I'll take pictures. It's terrible. Anyways, what's the headline here, Matthew? All wheels well that ends wheel well. Sounds like a Bob O'Walt is talking.

I'm out of my mind today, am I not? Good night, everybody. The U.S. Air Force said on Tuesday, get this, this is kind of not surprising, but the Air Force on Tuesday said that it was investigating circumstances surrounding human remains that were found in the wheel well of one of its C-17s that flew out of Kabul amid the chaos. There you go, Joe. You got blood on your hands of the Taliban taking over the Afghan capital. You saw the clips we showed of a couple of guys falling to the deaths. of a couple of guys falling to the desk. Some guys try to hide up into the fucking wheel, and those things close up with hydraulics that will crush you like a fucking bug.

That is very sad. He's gone, and we couldn't do nothing about it. Jesus H. Christ. Images circulated on social media earlier this week of Afghans desperate to leave Kabul rushing towards a C-17 and clinging to its side. A separate video showed what appeared to be two people falling from military planes as it flew out of Kabul, falling to their deaths.

Can't even say that. Bye-bye. In a statement, the Air Force said that a C-17 aircraft landed at Kabul's airport on Monday and was surrounded by hundreds of Afghan civilians. Like, you didn't see that coming. Faced with a rapidly deteriorating security situation, sort of like being at Spirit Airline on a Saturday afternoon, around the aircraft, the C-17 crew decided to depart the airfield as quickly as possible,

the statement said. And, uh, did they ever, you got to give them a little credit though. Cause what they did was like against all military rules to save about 600 people. Did I pull up the, I didn't pull up the audio. Did I, they have audio. God damn it. I forgot to put this in. They have audio of the guy in the tower asking the pilot, well, how many people do you have on your plane? And the pilot goes, I don't know, about 800? And you hear, fuck! Of course, they bleep it, which I don't understand.

It's the internet. I don't understand why I can't find unedited. I can watch porn. I can watch a donkey fucking Asian girl, but I can't hear fuck on the internet. What a dumb thing. It added that the Air Force Office of Special Investigation was reviewing information about the aircraft

and the loss of civilian lives to include video documentation and the source of social media posts. Oh, what a way to go, huh? In a wheel well. Did I send you, Matt, today the picture of... I don't think I did. God damn it.

They have a still photo of a guy hanging while the flight's in air. Hanging on the outside of the plane, which I'm guessing he might have been in one of the two. The flight attendant tries to hand him a bag of peanuts, and no. He's literally, somebody took a picture out the window, and you could see the guy's foot. He's like, hey. Yeah. What the fuck?

Let's get on to some lighting story. You know what that means on this show. Somebody die. I'm sorry. And I'm not making fun of these guys. Let me say I feel for the family and stuff, but when stories like when people die in bizarre ways, I always think about when you're at the wake, how you're not giggling and shit. You know what I mean? Make sure

you get to the wake on time, because I was in high school. My friend, a friend of a friend's dad died, who I knew a little bit. I got there like an hour late, and I didn't even know how he died. I just fucking, nobody really told me I got there. I said, well, at least he died doing what he loved. Apparently, he was hit and dragged by a bus like Tim Luck. Killer shit dudes. That's the headline. Killer shit dudes. Nick, you are so clever, it makes my balls empty. I guess we have the local news, right, to set this up a little bit. Here's the story. We are following a developing story from Mercer County tonight. Three brothers have died after falling into a manure pit.

Oh, jeez. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Three brothers in Weston, Ohio, died after getting trapped in a manure pit as they worked on a pump at their livestock farm. Brad Webker, 35, Todd Webker, 31, Gary Webker, 37, died Tuesday at hospitals after rescue crews responded to their family farm in St. Henry and found them underwater in the pit and requested a dive team. Local news reported, my son passed out, a woman told dispatchers.

He was doing something with the pit. Oh, the fucking poor. You shit-kicking, stinky horseman who's smelling motherfucker, you. Take it easy. That was a coroner being an asshole. Moments later, a second caller requested more help saying, I've got all three boys down in the pit. Oh, my God.

And I'll tell you another thing. Frankly, you're beginning to smell. The Webkers were extracted from the Manoa pit about 20 minutes after the initial 911 call was received at 1230 PM. Details of how the men fell into the pit or how long they were stuck were not immediately clear. How do you not fucking know the detail? They never tell us anymore. I'm telling you, that phrase, details are unknown at this point, is becoming more and more obsequious. Is that what I meant to say? Jesus, fellas. What the fuck? The local TV, this is how I handle sad news, folks. This is a defense mechanism I shrink told me.

I'll make, you know, like me joking at my own father's funeral and shit. That's how you get banned from doing eulogies in Massachusetts. The local TV station then spoke to the actual shit that actually killed him. They got an interview with the actual po-po. I can infect and kill whoever I like. This is Brian Williams. Good night and good luck. Let's move on to the dirty, filthy Chinese. Speaking of chat, Chinese threatens Taiwan because of a United States tweet.

Once again, Twitter unifying the world, right? We look out for people's safety. That's what we do all over the world. Following reports that Taiwan had 30,000 U.S. troops stationed to protect it from Chinese aggression, China sprung into action and threatened Taiwan to go to fucking war. I kill you. I kill you right now. Kill me.

I'm right here. Kill me. Okay, I come with two chopsticks. I shove up your ass. Two chopsticks? Come over here. Talk to me in the face. Like a Zamboni.

I just heard the guy say motherfucker. Talk to me in the face, motherfucker. I never noticed that. Beijing state-run media made the threat following a tweet from Jesus Christ. A U.S. Senator claiming there were 30,000 troops in the region.

Senator idiot John Cornyn, another guy who is on the fence like Rhino to me. I forget why he agreed with the vaccine. Senator John Cornyn claimed there were 30,000 American soldiers in Taiwan. The false claim, why would you say that? The false claim, again, I don't know what publication I'm reading from, led to a blistering response from the editor-in-chief of the Global Times, a good friend of mine, Hu Xinkin, who won. There he is. Last time I saw that face, he was playing Russian roulette with Robert De Niro. Mao!

It's a Mao! Nick, that's Vietnamese. I don't care. I love to lump them in. It makes the libs crazy. Look at this guy. That's Hu Xun, who warned that Beijing would immediately launch a war to eliminate and expel the United States soldiers. And we have audio.

Then let me look around so I can ease the UN's collective mind. Ah, you're breaking my bars here, huh? You're breaking my bars. That's Korean. I'm mixing it all in. The state-run outlet began its article by declaring, the United States troops' withdrawal from Afghanistan has led to the rapid demise of the Kabul government.

You see? China, Russia, Iran, they're all over this. China and Russia, they have a hard-on. They know we have an idiot in office and idiots who are handling him. They are drooling. We are ripe to be taken the fuck over. I don't mean to

be hyperbolic here. The world has witnessed, this is the Chinese talking, how the United States evacuated its diplomats by helicopter while Taliban soldiers crowded into the presidential palace in Kabul. The outlet then declared that Eastern Theater Command on Tuesday dispatched warships, ASW aircraft, and fighter jets for joint live fire assault drills in southwest and southeast

areas of the island of Taiwan. They're sending a message to us via Taiwan as response to recent moves by the U.S. and Taiwan secessionists. And the U.N. said this. God, it's getting heated out there. You know, it's scary. That's a picture of the Chinese. Do you understand? They could march. And this is true. I forget the statistic. But they have so many soldiers because, you know, it's scary. That's a picture of the Chinese. Do you understand? They could march. And this is true. I forget the statistic. But they have so many soldiers because, you know, there's how many billions of people. They could march. I don't know. It's something like a year. There's soldiers into an ocean. It's insane. Do they have the bomb? They don't even have the bomb. Not officially.

Exactly. What they do have is a delicious drink menu. Have you ever had a Mai Tai or a fog cutter? The Gateway Pundit.com on Monday, Stevie Bannon, who I love, I've got to get on his show. I think he'd get a kick out of me, warned that the United States economy will implode

if Taiwan falls to the communist Chinese. Now, Bannon's pretty sharp on all this shit, so you should be worried. According to Bannon, the entire American economy centers around the chips, and I'm not talking Tostitos, and in particular the advanced chips designed, made, you know, computer chips, manufactured in Taiwan. Did you know that? We rely that much on? Recently, the U.S. and Taiwan authorities have been frequently colluding and making

provocations, sending wrong signals that severely violates Chinese sovereignty and seriously damage peace and stability in the Taiwan. Hey, fuck you. You sent over a pandemic germ that's killed, I don't know how many Americans. So, you know what? Fuck you. Matter of fact, you owe us reparations and the world for how many people have died around the planet because you have fucking slippery Chinese horseshit coming out of the Wuhan lab.

So, kiss my ass. I can talk like that. I'm not going to Taiwan. I have been to Hong Kong. Trip of a lifetime. Did comedy over there. How'd I do? Oh, I take a high kill. Randy Credico. I think I've repeated this joke on the show before. Randy Credico, who I now hate. Apparently he hates me. Very funny left-wing comic that I met when I first came to New York. A real lefty. I mean, Rockefeller laws he helped get passed. And William Kunstler was this real lib lawyer in New York.

He was sort of a protege of that guy. Anyways, I found him very funny because he did such inside political shit, he would bomb every night. And it was really funny, well-written, you know, joke. But he would eat his own shit. well-written, you know, joke, but he would eat his own shit. So he's at the Catcherizing Star one night, and he's up there fucking bombing. And he had a beautiful Asian girlfriend standing in the room watching from the side. So he's up there, and he's dying. About three minutes in, he points to his girlfriend. He goes, that's my girlfriend over there. I taught her four words in English. Not you, crowd suck. I mean, the guy was funny.

Turned into a real left-wing jackoff. Anyways, where am I? Peace and stability in the Taiwan Straits. They have become the biggest source of security risks. This is China talking about us in the region, she said. Oh, it's a he said, she said thing. Then he said this. Biden, she said. Oh, it's a he said, she said thing. Then he said this.

Biden, Hunter Biden. The exercises are a necessary action taken based on the current security situation in the Taiwan Straits and the need to safeguard national sovereignty and safeguard now. You fucking have been stealing intellectual property and everything else from us.

You slippery fucks. Wash my sheets and shut it. And our solemn response to the foreign interference and the provocations by Taiwan and independent forces, the spokesman for the golden dog restaurant said, nobody's going to feel bad for you, China. Oh, boy, you.

Oh, sing China. I just said the ribs are dry. Let's move on to Nick the Pole Sports, something I used to go to to get away from all types of war and disease and famine. It used to be an outlet, but now this has been all politicized and shit too. By the way, good luck in New York.

You need a passport to go into a bar or a restaurant? It's happening, folks. Who's going to go to fucking New York? You think the economy's bad in New York now? Who the... Although I heard the businesses, the

owners, are kind of for it because now people are actually coming in or something. I don't know. Anyways, what's that got to do with sports? Nothing. I wish I was hitting the face of the line drive. Well, that's exactly what happened to this pitcher. Chris Bassis, I think his name, right? Oakland A's? Got smacked in the face.

I don't know why this doesn't happen more often. And it always reminds me of, I was a freshman baseball practice. I was on the mound pitching bat practice, just fucking around. I don't know why. To this day, I don't know. It can't be God because it was almost a bad thing. I throw a pitch right down the middle, and just joking around, I pretended to fall like I was drunk.

And whoever I threw it to lined it back at me. I was just falling. Dude, it hit my glove. My glove was like this. I felt the wind like on my eyebrows. It was going 100 miles. It would have opened my face up. But I'm saying I dove like being silly.

I dove this way right into where he lined it. What's that got to do with anything? I don't know. Could have hurt my beautiful face. Look at this poor bastard. He caught a line drive with his face. You never want to do that. Once Chris Bassett went down, the rest of the game became a secondary concern

for the Oakland Athletics. Bassett was carted off the field Tuesday night after he was struck on the side of his head by a line drive, casting a shadow over the A's 9-0 loss to Jose. Who cares? The guy's on a stretcher. And the Chicago White Sox with two on and no outs in the second inning, Bassett threw, ooh, 89-5. I could have hit that. 89-mile-an-hour fastball, cut fastball, that Brian Goodwin drove up the middle.

Bassett went down like one of the Kennedys. What? Bassett went down on the mound right after he was hit, holding his head, and his teammates quickly waved to the dugout for assistance. Here is the clip of it. And it's funny. There was another clip. This doesn't show it.

When he's on the ground, you can see the blood coming through his fingers while he's holding his face. It must have stung. Check it out. Run! it must have must have stung check it out back to Bassett oh my goodness oh my goodness oh oh

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oh damn you got knocked the fuck out man Oh, I can't. Ow, ow, ow. Oh, stop. Oh, stop. Oh, oh, oh. Damn. You got knocked the fuck out, man. As players on each side looked on, Bassett was attended to by an Oakland trainer and other personnel before he was helped into a cart while holding a towel to his face. A's center field, Starling Mart Marte had his hands on his head as the right-hander was driven by him. Apparently

he was very upset too. There's no crying in baseball! Oh yes there is. That stings. Bass. It says Bass. I thought his name was Bassus. Bassus is conscious. He was the entire time manager Bob Melvin said,

we don't think the eye is a problem at this point. We'll put it back in with some Gorilla Glue. What? It felt like it was below the eye, he said. He's got some cuts. They had to do some stitches. He's in a scan, and we'll know more about potential fractures

or whatever tomorrow or later tonight. I don't know if we got news on them. Well, we're waiting. That's Eckersley in that picture with Raleigh Fingers, by the way. You guys are probably too young to remember. My goodness. Look at Eck. He's a Red Sox color guy now.

I fucking love him. He's stuck in 1980. Look at his hair and shit. Because he used to get a lot of ass. And all his, again, I digress. But all his lingo is, it's from like the late 70s. On the broadcast, he's like a hippie. I fucking love him.

When somebody throws a fastball, he goes, hey, he gave him some cheese. There was a lot of hair on that pitch. He refers to people's actual hair as moss. He refers to money as iron. He's stuck at seven. I fucking love him. Love him. Anyhow, I digress.

And that was Raleigh Fingers with the, and I knew somebody who dated his daughter. Apparently she was a piece of ass. Anyways. Speaking of pieces of asses, there's a lot of women out there today that are very, well, we call them feminists. And some of them are, and, you know, they have it in perspective. But there's other ones who have a mean streak in them that just don't like fucking men. have it in perspective, but there's other ones who have a mean streak at them that just don't like fucking men, and they use modern-day feminism as a fucking excuse.

But I headline this story, someone has a penis in ball envy, and her name is Samantha Cole. We've got a picture of Samantha. I might have went a little easier on her. I didn't see the picture when I wrote that. Kind of a cutie pie. Nice tats. Grow up. No, I won't. Anyway, she wrote an article, and just listen to the bitter edge on her article. Many men assign a massive amount of importance to their own semen. First of all, they do. Do they really? I don't think so. Most of the men I know wipe it up with a fucking dirty sweatshirt and throw it under the bed yeah that's real important to us sometimes we shoot it right on the fucking lampshade at the hotel what are you talking about she says that's not news to

anyone throughout history people have believed listen she jealous. She doesn't have balls in her car. People have believed all kinds of mystical things about cum and its supposed magical powers of longevity, energy, and machismo. Really? Only recently have people who believe these things been able to find each other in mass online, which is how we get beliefs like, get this, unvaccinated sperm will be the next Bitcoin. I mean, what guy hasn't said that in the last five minutes? What is she talking about?

Here's a woman who, again, in her own little world, have you ever heard a guy compare his jizz to Bitcoin? Unvaccinated conspiracy theorists think that their dick balls and cum are more pure than the rest of the populations what are you talking about there might be guys that believe that but she's making it sound like it's a mainstream belief and that refusing the19 vaccine, which has been proven to be nearly 100% effective in preventing hospitalization and death from the virus around the world. Oh, is that right? Well, almost 100% is not enough for me. And again, we don't know the long-term effects, so shut it. We'll make the market value of their semen skyrocket. So she's saying guys that are

unvaccinated are saying eventually people are going to want our untainted semen skyrocket. So she's saying guys that are unvaccinated are saying eventually people are going to want our untainted semen. I say we start with you right now, Samantha. I'll make a donation. If I want untainted semen, I'll pump your stomach. What? I'm kidding.

That's tainted. Some people are refusing the vaccine because they fear long-term side effects and are skeptical of the government rushing the process. She puts rushing in quotes, the process, the vaccine were evaluated on tens of thousands of participants, yet she doesn't like state the specific, in clinical trials. Oh, it's according to the CDC. Oh, thank you, Samantha. I thought it was a group that got shit wrong about this. She's quoting the CDC,

who works hand-in-hand with the World Health Organization, who works hand-in-hand with China. Why don't you come over here and get some of my tainted, caffeine-ridden... She's quoting the CDC, folks. and get some of my tainted, caffeine-ridden... She's quoting the CDC, folks. What you just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. Well, you talk about her and I mean... Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it.

Exactly, Samantha. May God have mercy on your soul. They're waiting, she says, to watch the side effects on what they view as an experimental treatment unfold on those who trusted the science. The people aren't trusting the science. If you were trusting the science, you wouldn't be wearing a mask. And it's not guys saying this.

It's virologists, world-renowned. I love how you cherry-pick your sausage, you dumb cunt. As the vaccinated population eventually crumbles, the unvaccinated will rise up to repopulate the planet according to the adherence to this theory. I believe there's guys who probably believe that,

but again, she's making it sound like all of us do. My vagina's angry. No, blame the feminists. It is. It's pissed off. Maybe you should feed it. The sperm is the new Bitcoin meme has been around since vaccines started rolling out.

But a few factors helped it take off recently. It's often co-mingled with the theory that unvaccinated blood is in higher demand or that the Red Cross is turning away vaccinated donors. She says neither of which is true. I have never heard either one of those. The idea that sperm in general is in short supply lately is true, however, except for the back of your throat. Now, listen to me.

Sperm banks across the country reported there was a run on sperm when Sam Cole and her girlfriends went to Applebee's and had a few. Because of the COVID-19 lockdown measures late last year and half, last year and a half, they've seen donor numbers slide. Well, apparently you haven't seen my crusty pillowcase. It's a good show today. Who's laughing out there? Bitcoin and cryptocurrency speculation in general continues to be a spicy topic. Studies like these have shown that getting vaccinated does not, in fact, affect sperm quality. Okay, right now it doesn't, you dummy. There is evidence that the vaccine is safe for men

and that it does not affect sperm production slash quality. Tony Chen, a doctor, clinical assistant professor at the Stanford School of Medicine urology department told me that. That's what she says in the article. He told me. Who the fuck are you? Are you writing a book? Who the fuck are you? On the contrary, being unvaccinated exponentially raises the odds that you'll get sick. And if you contact COVID, you'll swim as well, too.

Nobody should know more than her. She's marinating in it. What? You heard me. Let me see. see we're red I think that's it that is it for today ladies and gentlemen I think that was an entertaining show what a presentation a presentation I miss you guys already. Anyways, that is it for today, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much. Again, don't forget thecomicsgym.com. Tell your friends where we're located if they can't find us. I know we're on Facebook and shit too, but every time I say

something, they come down on me. Don't forget nickdip.com. Click on the tour button. We're putting dates together as we speak. I love going out. I used to hate meeting the people. I'm very shy. But after the shows now, I actually enjoy it. Also, cameo.com.

What's cameo.com? That's where you go to cameo.com, click on my profile, and if you want me to roast one of your friends or relatives, you tell me a little bit about the person. I'll make a video on my phone, a minute, minute and a half long for a small fee, and we'll roast them. It's a lot of fun. I can be nice.

We can say happy birthday to the waterhead baby. He assisted his head. That is it. You guys think it, I'll say it. You're very welcome. We'll see you back here for the final day of the week tomorrow. Have a good day everybody Oh, yeah. guitar solo Outro Music